Voice Male Winter 2001

Published Since 1983

Inside: • Am I Gay, or... ?

• Porn, Power and Privacy • Men's Work in Mexico • Rites of Passage in Nevada • New: Voices of Youth Column

By Rob Okun

From the Editor

Listening to Youth ctivism and social change awareness among young men and women is a growng force on a number of political and cultural fronts. High school and college students, graduates, and workers in their twenties are engaged in a range of progressive activities the size and scope of which hasn't been seen since, dare I say it, the 1960s.

Wherever I turn the voices of youth are coming through, an insistent, clarion call.

Simultaneously shrill and melodic, their varied critiques about the global state of affairs are becoming harder to ignore (even as a complacent, baby boomer-dominated media tries to downplay its impact). On the gender front, a growing number of young men are finding themselves drawn to a male positive, profeminist, gay affirmative, racially inclusive brand of mens work simpatico with the vision of this magazine and its sponsor, the Mens Resource Center.

Consider these scenes: I was on a panel recently with others working for gender justice · at an Intro to Women's Studies class at the University of Massachusetts. There were upwards of 150 students engaged in a spirited conversation about violence against women and mens role in preventing it. Afterwards, chatting with a cluster of both female and male students, I listened as sophisticated connections between power and control and abuse and violence-in both a local and global context-were being made. These are activist allies, I thought, whose perspective about women and men's roles is, perhaps, freer from the yoke of traditional masculinity and femininity than in any generation heretofore. Indeed, the MRCs youth-organized Activist Mens NeMork (an outgrowth of our Socially Active Youth program) is one stirring example.

Days later I spent a morning with about two dozen women and men in their forties and fifties concerned, like me, with keeping their activism vital at a life stage where the demands of work and family (ranging from college tuition to caring for aging parents) conspire to limit coordinated, effective response to pressing social ills.

As person after person went around the circle describing his or her background, a common theme began to emerge: we wanted to find ways to support the burgeoning movements our sons and daughters and their friends are engaged in-from being support people at demonstrations they organize to (if requested!) offering our perspective after many years of political activism. &fore we left the gathering, our "assignment," before we meet again, was to speak with our children over the holidays about their political perspective and social actions, and how we could support them as change agents.

Over Thanksgiving when my stepdaughters came home for the long weekend, they brought three friends with them, all studying at Antioch College. A fourth, at Brown University. was also part of our extended weekend family. The conversations, from describing to our teenage daughter and son the evolution of Antiochs groundbreaking sexual harassment policy. to the exploitation of children in India's tourist indus-

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try-part of a documentary film-inprogress, some scenes for which were shot in our living roomt; ensured a spirited polit~ ical discourse. From :§:<> analyzing comic/social l.:l critic Richard Pryors biting humor to critiquing the medias blind spots in presidential election coverage, it is clear younger adults have plenty to say. In the days ahead it will serve all of us well to listen.

With this issue, we are beginning to listen. A new column, Voices dfYouth, debuts (page 15), a regular feature we hope will challenge and inspire. It will feature a range of young writers beginning with Doug Ginns call-"GettiRg Out of the Box" of traditional masculinity. In Fathering (page 14), new contributor Vernon McClean offers "Tears· of a Black Father," a moving essay on racism's (in) human face. Outlines columnist Michael Greenebaum tackles "Asking the Big Question" (page 16), a look at what the "questioning" label means in the Mens Resource Center's Gay/BisexuaVQuestioning mens group.

More questions can be found in Michael Dovers musings, "Whose Masculinity Is It, An~ay?" (page 8), a critique of mainstream cultures definition of masculinity, contrasted with rarely acknowledged gentle men like his Uncle Abe. Managing Editor Michael Burke recalls what was an unplanned turning point in his life in "Fathers and Sons: Rites of Passage in Nevada" (page 10), much more than an account of a family camping trip a quarter century ago. Russell Bradbury-Carlin offers an important analysis of pornography and the Internet in "Porn, Power, and Privacy" (page 12), an underreported development bearing special scrutiny. In "Coming Home in a New Way." (page 19), Voice Males ·international correspondent, Juan Carlos Arean, reports on the substantial profeminist mens movement afoot in his native Mexico. (Be on the

lookout for his report on teaching batterers' intervention skills in Siberia in the Spring issue!) Closer to home, Carl Erikson reviews the compendium Men Like Us: The GMHC Complete Guide to Gay

Men's Sexual, Physical, and Emotional Well-Being (page 18), and Richard Hoffman looks at Leaping upon the Mountains: Men Proclaiming Victory over Sexual Child Abuse (page 21), Mike Lews longawaited new book. In Notes from Survivors (page 20), psychotherapist Sam Femiano discusses the therapeutic value of letter writing; and in Men &

TABLE OF CONTENTS REGULAR FEATURES From the Editor Director's Voice Mail Bonding Men @Work Fathering: Tears of a Black Father

2 3 4 5 14

By Vernon McClean Voices of Youth: Getting Out of the Box

15

By Douglas Ginn Outlines: Asking the Big Question 16

By Michael Greenebaum Notes from Survivors: Return to Sender 20

By Sam Femiano Men & Health: Men's Health at a Crossroads

22

By joe Zaske MRC Programs & Services Resources Calendar Thank Yous

23 24 26 26

ARTICLES & OPINION 8

Whose Masculinity Is It, Anyway?

By Michael Dover Fathers and Sons: Rites of Passage in Nevada 10

By Michael Burke Pornography, Power, and Privacy

12

By Russell Bradbury-Carlin Book Review: Men Like Us

By Carl Erikson

18

Coming Home in a New Way

19

By juan Carlos Arean Book Review: Leaping upon the Mountains

By Richard Hoffman

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Voice Male is published quarterly by the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts, mailed to donors and subscribers, and distributed at select locations throughout Western Massachusetts .

The mission of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts is to support men and develop men's leadership in challenging all forms of oppression in our lives, our families, and our communities. Our programs support men to overcome the damaging effects of rigid and stereotyped masculinity, and simultaneously confront men's patterns of personal and societal violence and abuse toward women, children, and other men.

Health (page 21), Joe Zoske decries the competition' for health dollars to fund womens and men's health advocating support for both.

As always, we welcome your voice io these pages. Email or send a letter to the editor; suggest a story idea (or write one yourself!). May the new year be peace filled for you and yours.

R

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Main Office: 236 North Pleasant Street • Amherst, MA 01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax:.413.253.4801 Springfield Office: 29 Howard Street • Springfield, MA 01105 • 413.734.3438 H.,pshire Community Email: mrc@valinet.com ~-..

Website: www.mrc-wma.com

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Voice Male

Director's Voice - - - - - - - - - - - - By Steven Botkin

Becoming an Anti-Racist Men's Resource Center Administrative Staff

Executive Director- Steven Botkin Associate Director- Rob Dkun Development Director- Paul En/is Business Manager - Carl Erikson Office Manager - George Moonlight Davis Men Overcoming VIolence

Directors - Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Sara Elinotf Clinical Supervisor - Steven Botkin Partner Services Coordinator - Sara Elinotf Group Leaders - Juan Carlos Arean, Scoff Girard, Dave Gott.

Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Gary Newcomb, Rob Dkun, Steve Trudel, Dan Williamson Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison - Steve Trudel Partner Outreach Counselor - Mary Dupont Brandt Franklin County Coordinator - Joy K;wbin

Youth Programs

Youth .Dialogue Project Doug Ginn, Mark Ribble Hampden County Programs

Director - Juan Carlos Arean Voice Male

Editor - Rob Dkun Managing Editor - Michael Burke Senior Editor - Steven Botkin Productipn - Mark Bergeron Copy Editors -Michael Dover, Maurice Posada

"In our goals to support men, develop mens leadership, and challenge all forms of violence and oppression, the MRC recognizes that the experiences of men vary, depending on their identities and the communities in which they participate. When we look around our table, we notice who is absen(, and we are bothered by what we see. Recognizing ihat men are divided along lines of difference, such as ,race, class, and sexual orientation, we know that we must challenge these social divisions.

"If we are to succeed in nurturing the development of an inclusive and representative mens center, developing an anti-racist perspective offers us·a way .. . to focus our efforts to confront all forms of oppression, which we know are interconnected. In this way, antiracism helps us begin to cross the lines of difference, which separate men from each other ... . Learning together to challenge and interrupt racism gives us insight into other forces dividing men, including classism, heterosexism, and homophobia.

"Naming racism as a major obstacle to the continued health of the MRC, and to the creation of the kind of society we envision, serves as a way to reject the polarization among men and in the larger society Heightening our commitment to anti-racism within the MRC helps us build a truly multicultural community, one that speaks to the experience and needs of all people. Becoming an anti-racist organization is not an easy task, but it is one of the most important processes we can undertake in order to make real our collective vision." -Excerpted from 'Why We Need an Anti-Racist Mens Resource Center" by john Raible, community member of the MRC AntiRacism Committee

Support Groups

Director - Juan Carlos Arean Board of Directors

Chair - Michael Dover Vice-Chair - Thom Herman Clerk/Treasurer - Peter Jessop Members ·Jenny Daniell, Nancy Girard, 1Y Joubert. Yoko Kato, Tom Kovar. Brenda Lopez, She/lie Taggart Editor's Note The opinions expressed may not represent the views of all staff. board, or members of the MRC. We welcome letters to the editor, articles, news items, article ideas, and news of events of interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss or delay; manuscripts will not be returned or responded to unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Send to: Editor, Voice Male. c/o the Men's Resource Center.

Membership The MRC is funded by individual and organizational contributions, and by fees for services. Please join us in our vision of men healing, growing, and ending violence. Annual subscription and membership is $25. Send to-MRC, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst. MA 011XJ2.

Advertising For rates and deadlines call Voice Male· Advertising at 413-253-9881.

Winter 2001

The Mens Resource Center was founded in the early 1980s by a group of white, college-educated men in their twenties and thirties with a primary focus on how sexism and traditional masculinity were oppressive to women and damaging to men. Our social world was composed mostly of people with similar social backgrounds. However, because of our unwillingness to fit into masculine stereotypes, we often felt marginalized, invisible, and isolated. So we set out, with passion and commitment, to create an organization, a community, and a culture that would challenge sexism and provide connection, support, and empowerment for men like ourselves.

While it is obvious that we have made great stride§ in this direction, it is also painfully clear that the limitations of our awareness and experience produced a mens center that ~eeps some men m!lrginalized, invisible and isolated. Fdr example, a recent review of the entire history of this magazine ((rom 1982 to the present, in its various incarnations) demonstrated that our occa. sional efforts to engage in "outreach" activities for men of color have failed to generate any ongoing organized connection with or presence of these communities at the MRC. This is no longer acceptable! Connection. support, and empowerment for men of color are essential to the mission of this organization, and we are growing in our passion, determination, and commitment to accomplish this goal. At every

level of the organization we are increasing our attention to anti-racism and racial inclusion. Examples include: • an anti-racism committee, composed of board, staff, and community members, to evaluate, monitor, ·and guide these efforts; • regular multicultural staff d~velopment meetings to bring dynamics of cultural difference; stereotypes, prejudices, and mistreatment into greater consciousness; • a full-day anti-racism retreat for.board and staff to deepen our dialogue and engage in strategic planning on this issue; • a people-of-color focus group to provide feedback and suggestions for our strategic plan.

Of course, as founder and executive director, ' engaging in.this process has meant recognizing some of the limitations of my own leadership (Ouch!). I encounter my blind spots; my sense of balance is challenged. I don't want to be implicated in perpetuating the marginalization, invisibility, and isolation of some men. I struggle with my own privilege, which enables me to get away with this. I feel overwhelmed by the amount that needs to be done both inside and outside the MRC. I think it is up to me to figure it out, and I am afraid that I will not do it right. I am afraid it is too late. I face the fear of losing my sense of safety and focus.

And yet, out of this process ~ emerging a deeper understanding of how we can more fully realize the vision of the Mens Resource Center (see page 4). We are expanding our ability to recognize and name the manifestations of white privilege and power within the MRC and our society We are developing the confidence and clarity to describe ourselves as an anti-racist organization.

We are identifying strategic directions and goals to make this true. And, perhaps most important of all, as we deepen our relati~nships with people of color in our community, the "we" o[ the Mens Resource Center is slowly changing.

I am profoundly grateful for this journey, and for all of you who are supp'orting the MRC in it.

As we move into this exciting next stage, I am experiencing the truth of john Raibles beautiful words coming to life. The growth of personal and organizational integrity, the renewed passion, determina:tion and commitment, the expanded relationships increase our ability "to cross the lines of difference, which separate men from each other ... give us insight into other forces dividing men, including cla5sism, heterosexism, and homophobia, ... [and] help us build a truly multicultural community .... Becoming an anti-racist organization is not an easy task, but it is one of the most important processes we can undertake in order to make real our wllective vision."

WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU Write us! Please send typewritten , double-spaced letters to: VOICE MALE, MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX us at (413) 253-4801, E-mail: mrc@valinet.com ; include address and phone. Letters may be edited for clarity and length. Deadline for the Spring 2001 Issue is january 31, 2001.

Gender and "The Proper Label" I want to address Steven Botkin!> recent

Voice Male sharing, "Making Room for Feeling: Building Community, Transforming Culture" (Director's Voice, Fall2000), but not because I don't see those three lifelong activist goals as pivotal to effecting change.

I know the column couldn't deal with everything at once and needed to engage like-minded people to support the work of the MRC. But I need to challenge its underlying, unexamined, activist conformity to bipolar sexual thinking when it refers parenthetically to a base assumption that there are (only) "women and men." You don't believe "men" are primarily defined by how they contrast to "women," do you? There are

vast spaces between those sexual pole definitions and we inhabit those spaces in fractally increasing numbers.

The lesbian community, more than the transsexuals, who know they have to forge ·

their own sexual self-definitions and be fully satisfied with what they have constructed, seeks to delineate the spaces between the approved polarities of sexuality with helpful labels. They have invented and promulgated basic personality definitions for the enlightened hi-thinking mind, descriptors that partner bi-polar gender role personae of unexpected juxtaposition. Secondary pola~i­ ties of importance in the lesbian lexicon are the labels femme and butch. As subsets, you can envision boy-girls and girl-boys, women-girls .and girl-women. But lesbian culture also includes acceptable labels thoroughly associated with one or another of the polarities, like lipstick, diesel, bulldyke. A sampling of distinct categories includes trannie boys, dyke boys, transwomyn, F2M's (not M2F!>-the Michigan Women's Music Festival wouldn't let them in!), boyz, andros,

boychicks, drag kings, bois, diesel dykes, masculine women, girlfags. They call them Gender Outlaws.

We could add boy-men and man-boys.

Gay men are more fashion conscious, more wanting to blend in, definitely less activist, clinging to their masculine privileges of cultural whiteness . Their labels tend to be more p~jorative, like twink, queen, whore, studmuJJin, and including butl:h and femme .

Gay men!> labels tend to describe sexual practices rather than gender characteristics.

All of the above context describes Self · and Other definitions of gender which may or may not correspond with actual organs .

Fo.r me, living with people who have made transgendered choices has caused the whole 4

the gay newspaper Bay Windows insisted on describing her based on her birth certificate and not what she herself wanted and had well expressed in her life. Frequently reported cases like· these are urgent warnings about why we must explore these areas between the polarities and why we must understand the real and actual diversity in our "men and women!;" legitimate selfexpression.

other bi-polar single-word labeling area defining sexual orientation to become meaningless as well. Heterosexuality (sexually relating with your polar opposite without examining your gender definitions) and Homosexuality (labeled Gay) are meaningless single-label sexual orientation identifiers to transsexuals, who are defining gender for themselves. My preferred label for gay consciousness is Same Gender Loving. It ·works for gays and dy~es and most transsexuals and, I suppose, the obverse of Other Gender Loving could satisfy heterosexuals and the rest of the trannies. . Somewhere behind,this examining of one's gender definitions lurks the violence and killing expressed by heterosexually · challenged males who discover that their unwilling (fo_rced) or cooperating sex partners do not physically conform to the culture's narrow ideas about "women and men," and this is the reason I must share this rant with the MRC. I am referring here to Boys Don't Cry protagonist Brandon Teena, and to Rita Hester, a transsexual who was killed in Boston last year because she didn't match gonadal descriptors when even

Llan Starkweather Amherst, Mass .

Sieven Botkin replies: Thanks for reminding us of the full range of gender expression possible. The narrow rigidity of gender polarities dominates all of our lives, and is certainly most oppressive to those who don't fit our deeply ingrained gender stereotypes. The liberation of all of us is tied to our ability and willingness to recognize and celebrate our true diversity.

Vision Statement of the Men's Resource Center The Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts has recently been placing additional attention on its desire to become an anti-racist men's center {see Director's Voice, page 3). As a niodel for creating men's centers, it felt important to share the MRC's Vision Statement with readers of Voice Male.

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e live in a tim'e of upheaval and transformation, in which people all over the world are defining, questioning, and redefining their sense of identity- national, ethnic, racial , religious/spiritual, political, familial, sexual, and personaL Some of this change is occurring at the cost of great suffering. Many people are also freeing themselves from old tyrannies ranging from repressive governments to oppressive stereotypes, prejudices and social institutions.

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The shift in thinking, feeling , and behavior experienced by a growing number of men is one expression of this widespread metamorphosis. Men no longer need to feel confined by definitions of maleness that value domination and violence, nor need they feel threatened by women's struggle · for equality. We can embrace both nonviolence and liberation as we define ourselves in ways that allow our full development as human beings. '

•

The Men's Resource Center sees itself as part of.this evolution, and its work as a catalyst to help bring about a more just and peaceful world. We are a network of men and women committed to challenging personal and institutional violence, sexism, homophobia, racism and other forms of oppression and to supporting healing and empowerment for all people. We strongly support the insights and social changes the civil rights movement, feminism, and the gay liberation movements have stimulated for both women and men. We are part of a movement learning how to transform the social, psychological, and physical structures of power based on fear into expressions of power based on connection and love.

Voice Male

MEN(®WORK Preventing Domestic Violence:

Getting Fathers Involved ow to better involve fathers in their . don't always know how to do that. " children's lives? That was the · Steve Jefferson and underlying question at a panel disScott Girard shared cussion 'entitled ': Fathers and Domestic their experiences as Violence Prevention: Accountability, men who years ago Engagement, Support" held in f\mherst in had been abusive in November. Three dozen men and women, their families-and rriost of whom work with families with who, with the help of young children, gathered to hear a panel the MOVE program, describe both the rewards that father learned to confront involvement brings to all family memtheir own abuse and bers-including fathers themselves-and the harm it was doing how it helps to prevent domestic violence to their partners and against partners and children. The workchildren. Both said shop was sponsored by the Fathers and that abuse of partners Family Network, a collabo.ration between not only could not be the Men's Resource Center and the hidden from children, Childrens Trust Fund. but would certainly "Too often we see fathers going into harm them even if they isolation-isolated in work, isolated in were not being abused substance abuse, isolated in depression"themselves. 'The kids all troubling symptoms that can lead to around you are soaking that stuff up, and anger, abuse and violence, said moderator it will visit you later, as it did me," said Rob Okun, MRC AssoCiate Director.

Jefferson. He became estranged from his Speakers included Shellie Taggart, oldest daughter when she was in her twendomestic violence specialist with the ties, and it took three years of mediation to Massachusetts Departme!lt of Social begin mending the relationship .. "She said, Services and an MRC board member; Steve 'I love the fact you've been ab'le to change Jefferson, group leader with the MRC's your life and the way you interact now Men Overcoming Violence program [with your younger children] .. , but I'm (MOVE) and professor and undergraduate . still stuck with the way you were with me, adviser in the UMass sports management and we have to get past that,"' Jefferson program; Jack Miller of the Children's recalled. t Trust Fund; and Scott Girard, MOvE like Jefferson, Girard came into the group leader. , MOVE program in 1990 and now both are Society is ambivalent toward fathers as .group ' leaders. "The isolation I felt in the caregivers, Taggart said, and many social household was a key factor" in his abuse, workers--especially women-have diffihe said, as was the "fear of functioning in culty knowing how to work with fathers society. I had lousy jobs, and I was angry. effectively. "In 'o ur culture we accept that The kids were afraid to be left home alone inen aren't going to be part of childrens with me.· [The MOVE program] is the best lives," she said. "We move from that to thing on eimh as far as I'm concerned. But fear-being afraid that if yve push too far all the stuff I perpetrated on my sons and in that direction we will harm the children their mother came back to haunt me." Of and women." Most direct care wQrkers, his four sons, Girard said, one recently was she added, are not as skilled at talking enrolled in MOVE, and one could benefit with men as with women; if the work with from the program but is still "resistant." men is not handled skillfully, there is a risk All credited the MRC's MOVE program of "losing" the men and ending .the conapproach of not shaming or humiliating versation-and leaving unaddresse~ , or men, including fathers, but rather compasescalating, the abuse that may be present sionately confronting them about .their in the home. abuse. "Still," Okun said, "20 1 30, or 40 "We have a tendency to see men who weeks is not enough time to undo 20, 30, are abusive as one-dimensional people," or 40 years of abusive behavior. Its only a Taggart said. "I have to remind myself that first step." it's not about that. Its much easier to reach men through their kids . Most men want to be involved with their children-they just

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Panalists at fathers and domestic violence workshop, Shellie Taggart, Scott Girard and Steve jefferson.

Helping Refugees Prevent Domestic Violence The Men's Resource Center is one of ; four organizations collaborating to reduce family violence in refugee communities in the greater Springfield, Mass. area. Funded with a three-year, $400,000 federal grant, the program will create strategies to directly intervene around family violence and prevention issues. It will work to familiarize refugees with American culture and to assist refugees to become self-supporting.

"It is anticipated 450 refugee families will be served over the three-year course of the project," according to the MRC's Juan Carlos Arean , who will coordinate domestic violence and child abuse. SAFE · Hampden County will mobilize greater community resources for refugee families and will also trairi a cadre of religious and community leaders .as domestic violence educators in order to sustain the project after the funding period.

"The role o£ the MRC will be to provide training on issues of domestic violence and child abuse to refugee serving agencies and

Winter2001------------------------------------------------------------------------~---------

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MEN(®WORK to offer ongoing consultation and technical assistance on batterers' intervention to the staff of Child & Family Service and the Vietnamese American Civic Association, both of which work directly with refugees," Arean said. 'This grant will give us the opportunity to develop models for effectively engaging refugee communitie.s in addressing issues of masculinity and violence .

There are currently more than 20,000 refugees living in Hampden County and refugees make up 13 percent of the population of Western Massachusetts. That population includes Vietnamese, Amerasians, Russians and Russian-speakers .

"Is This You?" New Project in the Cards The Mens Resource Center is looking for help from volunteers, agencies, and businesses in an outreach campaign to men who may be violent or abusive in their relationships. With the help of gifts from the Amherst and Springfield Rotary Clubs and from Collective Copies in Amherst, the MRC has produced 10,000 postcard-size cards for display in public · places, asking readers "Is This You?" and "Is This Someone You Know?" and encouraging them to·contact the battererintervention program of Men Overcoming

Violence (MOVE) for help . The cards ask a series of questions that describe abusive behavior, in the hope that some men will recognize themselves or that friends or family members might understand that behavior they are seeing may be a form of abuse. [See our MOVE ads on pages 7 and 9.} "We're asking for volunteers to place the cards in locations where people of all backgrounds will see them," said Michael Dover, MRC board chair and coordinator of the outreach project. "We envision the cards in restaurants, bars, laundries, health clubs, .doctors' and dentists' and lawyers' offices-anywhere people might pause long enough to consider what these cards are asking." The launching of the project received a boost from articles that appeared in the Daily Hampshire Gazette (Northampton) and the Springfield Sunday Republican.

Fcir more information about the outreach cards, to volunteer, to offer a place for displaying the cards, or to discuss financial support of the project, contact Dover at (413) 253-9887 , ext. 16.

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Will Japanese Courts Recognize Domestic Violence?

When MRC board member and international domestic violence prevention activist Yoko Kato traveled to her native Japan in the fall to receive one of five national "Avon Woman of the Year 2000" awards, she learned some disturbing news. The Japanese Supreme Court had decided not to make any new laws about domestic violence and not to approve the creation of a restraining-order program. Kato quickly joined withJapanese congresswomen, advocates for battered womens shelters, attorneys, and other allies in a massive letter-writing campaign that is now under way in this country, aimed at bringing pressure on the court to change its position. ''We need help from overseas," Kato said. "The congresswomen are especially welcoming American voices." Hearings are scheduled in January on the subject and Kato believes "the Congress is willing to listen to the people's voice." Readers interested in writing in support of creating domestic-violence laws in Japan should send letters for Kato to deliver. Letters should be sent her at: Fashions by Yoko , 231 Main Street, Northampton, MA 01060 or by e-mail to : yoko@javanet.com.

to

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Voice Male

MEN@)WORK Anti-Racism Retreat Held for MRC

Challenge & Change 2000.

Twenty members of the board and staff of the Men's Resource Center met for a day in November to sharpen the organization's vision of becoming a racially inclusive, anti-racist men's center.

"What the retreat did was to help us as an organization to look at ways to deepen our commitment organizationally to challenging racism," said Michael Dover, MRC board chair. 'The MRC has long been known as a male positive, pro-feminist, gay affirmative organization. We are working towards being an anti-racist and racially inclusive organization as well."

Organizational consultant and longtime MRC supporter Patricia Romney of Romney Associates, assisted by Olga Botcharova, facilitated the day-long retreat.

Luis Melendez, top left, Steve Theberge, and Bailey Jackson, all spoke when they received Men's Resource Center Challenge & Change awards November 30th. Jackson was presented his award by Prof. Pat Griffin of the University of Massachusetts.

IS THIS YOU? If you can answer "Yes" to Making the journey through grief a little easier

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Do you call your wife or girlfriend names?

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Do you put her down and make her feel bad about herself?

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may h ave a problem with abuse. Without help, it could get worse. At Men Overcoming Violence, you can learn to change. Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff. We can help ... before it's too late.

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Winter 2001

A PROGRAM OF THE MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER OF WESTERN MASSACHUSETTS

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Whose Masculinity Is It, Anyway?

By Michael Dover 've been thinking lately about the meaning of "masculinity," triggered in part by, of all things, a few movies that opened in the last several months and that I'll probably never see. And in thinking about masculinity, my musings have led me to remembering a much-beloved uncle , gone some 30 years.

Uncle Abe was actually my great-uncle, my mother's mother's brother. Born in the late 19th century in Russia, he immigrated to the United States as a young man, served in the U.S . Army during World War I, and settled in New York, living with his brother Nathan. In the early 1920s these two bachelor brothers, still young, took in my mother and her two sisters, who had been recently orphaned during the Russian Civil War. Abe and Nathan proceeded to raise these girls as their own, while holding down two jobs each and attending dental school. I don't know if the word "feminism" was even in the lexicon of these men, but all three girls grew up healthy, happy, and educated. Both my mother and her younger sister attended one of the best public high schools in New York City, went on to college in the middle of the Depression, and both earned postgraduate degrees to boot.

I

I bristle at the notion there is one image called masculinity - or worse, "manliness."

Nathan died before I was born, but Uncle Abe lived into my twenties. He was my one real grandfather. What I remember from.my childhood are snatches: his teaching me chess, and playing chess with me, his smile and laugh, his obvious pleasure in my mother's children. I remember feeling comfortable and welcome in his presence. One of my fondest memories is of a night when I'd been in New York for one of my first dates . I lost my wallet and we had no money or train tickets to get home , so I called Uncle Abe for help. As we were leaving his apartment with train

8

fare, he embraced my date as if she were a member of the family. If she was with me, he loved her, without question or conditions. My Uncle Abe radiated warmth.

That's who he was.

Was this a man? Without a doubt. He was, as the saying goes, a man among men. He was admired, respected, loved by all who knew him. I'm proud to say he was a model for me: a model of gentleness, nurturing, kindness, generosity, integrity.

Abe Rothenberg, the

writer~

uncle.

Was he masculine? My first impulse is to answer No, and I immediately react to that: If I can't describe such a man as masculine, what the hell good is the word?

Masculine conjures up for me images of well-muscled, square-jawed men who "take charge," protect and defend "their" women and "their" country, are "tough" (meaning unafraid and unemotional), and can be "counted on" to fight if the need arises . This doesn't describe my Uncle Abe-or me. If I lined up all the men I can think of who fit this image of masculinity, I'd have an inkling of what women and people of color so often experience in this culture: I wouldn't see anyone there who looks like me.

Fast-forward to the summer of 2000. A friend calls and says I have to pick up the

latest issue of USA Today- something about men in it: 'The men of our dreams: Women swoon over Hollywood's strong-but-selfless ideal male," the headline reads. Uh oh. My antennae are up.

It begins: Whether by Jolly or forethought, Hollywood is offering up a new slate of "mythical" male heroes these days. And women are eating it up with a spoon, complaining between helpings that contemporary men fall short. Hmmm.

Then it's on to the heroes of the moment, or at least of the summer movie season : Mel Gibson in The Patriot, Russell Crowe in Gladiator; Samuel L. jackson in Shaft. "It's the tough guy and the nurturing male all rolled up into one irresistible package , women say," according to the reporter. This is starting to get seriously irritating. And, as if designed to set me off. one woman interviewed for the story comments, "If you take the violence out and you just have the sensitive man , you really don't have the same character. We want it all. " All what?

Wait a minute , Michael-get a life.

We're talking movies here, not important stuff, right? Yes . . .but. Popular culture both reflects and directs how we think and feel. Not any one movie or song or computer game, but these images build and accumulate over time, like the steady drip of water creating stalagmites in a cave. As if to confirm this, the article goes on to talk about how this is a revival of "old values." 路 W hose old values are these? Who says the strong, brave, ready-to-fight man is the ideal? What do I do , where do I turn, if I don 't measure up--don't want to measure up-to that ideal? What if my ideal Voice Male

is my Uncle Abe , or some other good, , compassionate , entirely nonviolent man?

My irritation isn't with Hollywood or with silly articles in the Style sections of newspapers , long since relegated to the recycling bin (at least in my house) . I'm bristling at the whole notion that there is one image called masculinity-or worse, "manliness"-that is the measure of a man, and I have no say in what that is.

I've experienced this close up , as a boy and as an adult, being with males who have such an image and who've told me how to change my attitude or behavior to be in line with that image. It can be, and has been, an intimidating experience.

There are aspects of the so-called mythopoetic men's movement that have

a little uneasy, wondering if I should watch my back. What will all these warriors do if I don't act warrior-ly enough for them?

The whole idea of a male ideal makes me nervous , because it equates gender with character, and this feels like dangerous territory I frankly can't think of a single character trait that I admire in a man that I don't also admire in a woman.

Courage, moral strength, honesty, compassion, tenderness, caring- which of these belongs exclusively to men or to women? And who decides? Who dares sit up on some throne to deny me the right to call myself a man if I choose not to fight or if I feel vulnerable or even insecure at times? I'm still a man when I'm indecisive or scared, retiring or contem. plative. And no woman should be thought less a woman for being forthright, assertive, or persistent.

Character and personality are wonderfully complex, and shoehorning them into one gender box or another strips them of their richness . Staring too

long at one archetype leaves us blind to all the others that together make up the human psyche, whether male , female, transgendered, or whatever other nuat1ce we can think of. The Warrior can be a valuable symbol on which to focus, especially if those aspects of our lives have been neglected-but not for all circumstances or for all men. I think also of such images as the Scholar, the Artist, the Prophet, the Healer, the Trickster, the Sage, to name just a few. Our mythology is replete with so many character types, all models for how we can be in the world. I, for one, will never be content with the minuscule palette from which most men are allowed to paint their selfportrait. I'd be happy if mine looks a little like Uncle Abe-and nobody is going to tell me which colors to use . Will that portrait be "masculine"? Frankly, I don't give a damn.

Michael Dover is chair of the board of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts, a volunteer and a frequent contributor to Voice Male.

IS THIS SOMEONE YOU KNOW?

been singularly unhelpful here. Delving into the Jungian bag of archetypes, some of the movements practitioners have puJled out the "Warrior" and focused all their attention on that one facet of the male personality. And it sounds a lot like the ideal men in last summers movies: brave, strong, reliable, selfless. Try though they might to separate the Warrior from the war, I can't help feeling

0

Does he call his wife or girlfriend names?

a

Does he put her down and make her feel bad about herself?

a

Is he extremely jealous?

0

Does he control what she does, and whom she sees and talks to?

a

Has he ever made angry or threatening gestures toward her?

a路

Has he ever verbally threatened her?

a

Has he ever punched a wall or destroyed possessions in anger?

a

Has he ever hit or slapped her or the children?

a

Does he tell her it's "her fault" that he behaves the way he does?

If you can answer "Yes" to a'!} of these questions, your friend or family member may have a problem with abuse. Without help, it could get worse. At Men Overcoming Violence, he can learn to change. 路 Encourage him to call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff. We can help ... before it's too late.

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Winter2001------------------------------------------------------------------------------

9

Fathers and Sons:

Rites of Passage in Nevada

By Michael Burke at do boys need to become ood men? The question contines to plague us, tolling like a bell. It is especially urgent for those of us who are trying to raise sons. One possible, partial answer that has emerged is the idea of creating structured, transformative rites of passage to actively usher boys into manhood.

It has been suggested, for example, that we take some of the rituals by which men initiated boys into adult male society in traditional cultures--some of these involving frightening and physically torturous

ordeals--and replicate them today, albeit in kinder, gentler packaging. Groups of men from California to Connecticut have done this with their teenage sons: picking them up early from school unexpectedly and spiriting them off for a sort of mythopoetic camping trip, complete with animal masks, chanting, dancing, and other planned "rites." The overall effect seems to be more surprise (and embarrassment?) than fear.

Does it do much good? I don't know. But perhaps it does no harm; at least it shows Dad cares, even if he's a little new age-y sometimes.

A more typical and traditional example of a rite of passage is the disappointing bar mitzvah described by Israel Helfand in "From Boys to Men: Rediscovering Rites of

10

Passage" (with jon Bliss, Voice Male Summer 2000), where his family "never discussed with me what it meant to be a man. They didn't discuss anything." In this case, Helfand says, the jewish ritual was more about "choreography," money, and his family's honor than about spirituality or masculinity (Happily, I understand, a growing number of jewish families are making that passage more meaningful.)

Helfand's story got me thinking about my own experience with rites of passage.

Although I was raised Catholic, a continent away from Helfand, the effect of the formal religious rite of passage was similar.

At age ll, I received the "sacrament of confirmation,"a sort of second baptism, except this time you stay dry and supposedly you're conscious of what's going on.

The writer and his father, Gerald Burke, October 2000.

Except I wasn't. I didn't have a choice in the matter, and it didn't occur to me to question it. I don't recall feeling any different after the ceremony, though you might think that would be a byp.~oduct. (In fact the only memorable part was the rehearsf!.l beforehand: My adult sponsor, our nextdoor neighbor Mr. McCloskey, drove me not to St. Catherine$ but to Temple Beth El. Mortified, I looked over at him in gaping

adolescent panic, only to see him convulsed with wheezy laughter; I had forgotten it was April Fools Day But if he'd left me at the synagogue, who knows? It all might have worked out differently for me.)

My Catholicism was confirmed-for a few years. By sometime in college I was searching for something else, and today I would not put my son or daughter through what I had to do. Their religious beliefs, their spirituality, will be their own affair, and I don't anticipate arranging any ceremonies for them.

So my "official" rite of passage was transitory in its effect. Elut a couple summers later, in the Ruby Mountains of northeastem Nevada, I had another one-maybe two . It was all planned by my dad-well, some of it. And no masks, chanting, or priests or rabbis were involved.

It was our family camping trip, an annual event that had a certain amount of ritual attached to it already It was the summer Nixon resigned; we heard it on the car radio when my dad started it up to charge the battery and plug in his electric razor. "Our long national nightmare is over," Gerald Ford told us. 'The system worked," my dad informed me.

(I was unsure.)

The campsite next to ours was occupied one day by an Indian family, come up from one of the towns to camp and fish and picnic. While the mother took their two boys down to the creek (pronounced "crick" in my family), the father, whose name was Ben, ambled over to our camp , in straw cowboy hat and leather boots, Coors Tall in hand, to sit on a stump and beguile my dad and me with stories. Friendly and voluble, Big Ben, as we took to calling him among ourselves, appeared a comic character at the time, but seems a sad figure to me in retrospect: a middle-aged Navajo man adrift in the country of the Shoshone, his wifes people, he Voice Male

appeared to do little but drink beer, tell tales, then totter back unsteadily to his own camp when dinnertime came. He told us about his own rite of passage, though: how 路 his wife-to-bes father handed him a rifle loadeq with only one bullet and told him to go up on a ridge and shoot a deer to claim his bride. He pantomimed how he saw the big buck, aimed, and fired-and the buck went down. His prowess excited wonder among his new in-laws. "They say, 'How you do that, Ben?'" he boasted, which became our family joke.

When Bens wife, whose name we never learned, returned with their sons, they carried stringers of trout-a fact that excited my admiration and curiosity I had been fishing too, but since I was the only one in my family who fished, I was doing it strictly solo and catching nothing. I was probably self-conscious about lo~king foolish, so it must have been my mother who spoke up and asked the other woman how they caught all those fish. I was using salmon eggs and getting skunked; she and her boys were using nightcrawlers and cleaning up.

The next day I prevailed on my father to drive me into town, ten miles or more down winding mountain roads, to buy , wcirms. Thereafter I spent several golden days tramping up and downstream, encountering.deer and range cattle and even a scary nest of snakes-and catching a number of nice native rainbows and a few exotic brook trout (imported from the East), which I cleaned and my mother dipped in milk and coated in cornmeal and fried for dinner. Success at last-and for the first . tirp.e a feeling of competence at something useful, at which I'd previously been a miserable failure . For that I have that woman and her sons to thank.

One afternoon when i was not absorbed . in fishing, my father and I hiked up the mountain nearest our campsite, leaving my mother behind in camp. That was somewhat unusual, just the two of us, but evidently I made no note of it. We hiked upward through stands of aspen, whose small green heart-shaped leaves quivered fitfully in the breeze. We could smell the urine of wild cats-whether cougars or bobcats, we never saw-and in the dust of the trail could make out the occasional hoofprint of mule deer, and sometimes their scat, too. The stands of aspen were so, thick as to be impassable to ~umans . As we climbed we turned to see the late-afternoon sun changing the colors of the sheer rock wall across the canyon, from red to gold and back again, as the moonrose above us in a solid blue sky At some point we stopped for a rest and took a drink from my dads old army canteen. I had recently hit puberty, and somehow-l don't know what the transition

was-we started talking about sex. I'm sure I didn't bring it up, but what transpired was that my dad gave me a sort of Sermon on the Mount-about the physical aspects, in particular, of human sexuality I must have been a little embarrassed, but I was grateful, too. Partly to receive this knowledge, much of which was still literally a mystery to me (though I'd heard and read some things, both true and laughably false), but also for my fathers willingness to share this aspect of life with me-for this communion, if you will-and for his openness on a subject that fills many parents with dread.

My dad gave me a sort of Sermon on the Mountabout the physical aspects of human sexuality.

Having grown up on a farm in Idaho, my father didn't see any sense in keeping silent about our bodies, how we receive pleasure from each other while incidentally making more of our kind: He grew up seeing animals do it, he'd had five kids himself, and he must have learned from his father and become convinced by his own experience that there was no shame in it, and no reason for ignorance or prudery I asked questions after a while, and he answered-he covered a fair amount of ground, as I recall. Looking back, I wish he had talked more about some of the "intangibles"-about emotions, being in a relationship, abbut the troublesome aspects of sexuality and feelings, and what it really means to love someone. But I realize that these were not things for which my father had many words-just as I didn't know how to ask.

What he had, and what he shared that day, was a vital, nuts-and-bolts sense of what his SOr;J. , wavering at the trailhead into adulthood, needed to know to move forward, to deal with the feelings that would soon surge and almost overwhelm his (my) young body That he was able to speak this-to tell me, in plain language , without embarrassment, some of the crucial "facts of life"-is something I still find moving, and for which I will always honor him. Many men and women I know were told far less growing up . (Some, indeed, were told nothing, and for them that omission had consequences, great and small.)

Unlike Moses, I don't think I was irrevocably changed coming back down the mountain (I had no commandments, for one thing-not even "Be fruitful and multiply," which might have been a nice touch).

But what happened that day, and my dads role in it, was important nonetheless. What would I say to my, son in the same situation? When the time comes, will I be able to do as well? I've got a few years to think about it, fortunately, since hes only six. But . time goes by fast: I was six only yesterday myself; then seventeen, having my first sexual experience; then in college, then on my own in New York City. Those were all "rites of passage" for me. Now married and a father myself, I'm still having them-only now they're called midlife crises.

A friend of mine said, when we were discussing this subject, that it would be better if all of us-parents, teachers, Big Brothers, extended family, community members-helped boys more in their journey every day, rather than just concocting a ritual for them to go through at puberty and saying 'There-now you're a man." (I think the same holds true for girls as well, and at the risk of triteness, is the meaning of "It takes a village .. . ".) I think whats important--especially for fathers-is to show our sons and daughters that we care, that we're here for them every day and for the long haul. It may be by helping them with their homework , or playing baseball with them, or just talking with them about school, about sex, about their hopes and ' dreams and fears . It will often involve listening to them, driving them places they need to go, and being patient with them while they figure out how, someday, to get there on their own. ft may even taKe the form of a ritual, religious or otherwise, in which we celebrate with them their passage into adulthood . Some of their rites of pas-路 sage we may never see-pan of the scary letting-go process that begins at birth. The key is to stay on the path, to stay connected with them in their upward climb, and by . doing so to help smooth the l(:mg ascent.

Michael Burke is a freelance writer and editor living in Amherst, and serves as managing editor of Voice Male.

Winter2001------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11

How to Respond to Internet Sex:

Pornography, Power, and Privacy 1 By

Four clicks.

All it took was four clicks of my mouse to have hardcore pornography on my computer screen. When I was growing up and first sought out porn, I had to obtain it from friends whose older brothers or fathers left it lying around . Even as a young adult, if I wanted to buy a pornographic magazine or rent a porn video, I had to deal with that mixed feeling of desire and shame to buy or rent in a public place. Now, viewing pornography on the Internet is a private affair where the shame and guilt are easy to ignore'-by anyone at any age.

It has been many years since I sought out pornography. Recently, I helped facilitate a workshop on pornography at the Everywoman's Center. It made me realize that I haven't heard many challenges to the pornography industry from the men's movement in recent years . It surprises me , because it is clearly an industry that still preys on and contributes to violence against women and has grown enormously 路 with the advent of the Internet.

Recent discussion about pornography, mostly in academic circles but also within popular culture, has been primarily proporn'. Many have talked about porn as being a means of healthy sexual expression that, when approached thoughtfully and consciously, can be a source of sexual and economic empowerment for womeri . And, of course, some feel that being anti-porn amounts to censorship and violates the First Amendment.

All of this may be true, at least to a ~er颅 tain degree. But, to only view pornogra,phy in this way is to ignore an industry that encourages abuses of power and control over women. It informs men that their sexuality is connected to power and control. At its worst, the porn industry is a direct and powerful influence on the battering, rape, and killing of women.

Consider this: Nearly every male will be exposed to pornography at some point in his life. Many will be exposed to a considerable amount of porn . For many men, pornography will be involved in their first sexual experiences. The message that men must use power and control over women sexually is implanted at an early ~ge . And it is not always blatant. A lot of mainstream advertising and films use similar ideas and methods in their images.

Most standard pornography involves photographs of women looking young and

12

Russell Bradbury-Carlin

vulnerable . Some are dressed in "schoolgirl" clothing or have expressions that appear to be shy, nervous , and even scared. If there is a male involved in the 路 picture, he is often towering over the woman or holding her down . The male is often faceless and anonymous, so the viewer can imagine himself in his place.

Hidden within "mainstream" pornography and within porn that is easily obtainable on the Internet are images of women appearing to be powerless and enjoying being dominated sexually, as well as being hurt, humiliated, and even killed- all of which are supposed to be sexually provocative for men.

What is chilling about porn on the Internet, in particular, is that violent pornography is so readily available .

Child pornography, eroticized torture, racist pornography, and sites that describe the "turn-on" of killing a bound and maimed woman can be found without too much searching.

What is chilling about porn. on the Internet, in - particular, is thai violent pornography is so readily available.

It is important to understand the link between sexuality and an abuse of power by men. The porn industry helps to create and to "hook" men on these images, pulling them in deeper and deeper. Many men who have dealt with their addiction to pornography started out by viewing more mainstream porn and eventually found themselves -needing to view more violent porn to get turned on . This is intentional on the pornographers' part, whether it's more mainstream sites that , "innocently" offer links to "teen" sites that showcase models who are reputed to be 18+, or floating sites that offer hardcore porn (including child porn. bondage, and torture sites). And, it is impossible to track these floating sites because they literally attach themselves to a site and pop up when you enter. Then they float to another site to evade detection by the authorities.

It is important to talk about the issue of consent in the porn industry. There is a

sense when looking at pictures or watching a video that consent must have been given. Then there is a move by many pornographers to remove that sense of consent, by having the woman in the photos appear to be unwilling, captured, or trapped. Don't be fooled into thinking that just because it is a produced video or magazine, consent was given. Many women are coerced or even kidnapped to produce such pornography.

The illusion of consent is a form of fantasy, which the porn industry capitalizes on. In a BBC special on pornography, feminist writer Andrea Dworkin describes the issue of pornography fantasy. She says "it is part of the pornographers' effort to hide what they really do in real life to encourage ~he use of the word fantasy in place of actual behaviors that really happen in the real world. A fantasy is something that happens in your head . It doesn't go past your head . Once you have somebody acting out whatever that scenario might be in your head, it is an act in the world. It is real. It is real behavior with real consequences to real people."

It is important that men take a long look at their relationship to pornography and to identify their possible addictions to it. More important, men need to recognize the connection between pornography and issues of power and control. It is also important for men and women to analyze and speak up against the porn industry. It does not mean that one is against healthy sexuality. It means that one is for equality and for the safety of women. For more information on this issue, check out Men Against Pornography on the Web . They are a pro-feminist organization that has been very vocal about challenging the porn industry and pornography in general.

In the past they have offered workshops on helping .men to challenge pornography, and they organized a public boycott of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue in 1996.

Currently, they are creating an online anthology of first-person stories from men "quitting" pornograpl!ty and describing why they chose to. You can find Men .

Against Pornography at: www.geocities..com/CapitolHilV1139/quitporn.html

Russell Bradbury-Carlin is the co-director of the Men Overcoming Violence Program of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts.

Voice Male

I

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Fathering--------------~----------------------------- By

Vernon McClean

The Tears ·of a Black Father he stereotype of a black father is of an individual who is strong, silent, and oftentimes violent. This is only a stereotype. But, as is often true with stereotypes, there is some truth to it.

Having time to spare before attending a concert at the Beacon Theatre in New York City, I entered the, five-and-dime store on 72nd St~eet and browsed through the discount products. I noted that the black Caribbean guard was staring. However, because of my gigantic ego, I thought he considered me a role model, an academiclooking brother who enjoys browsing in discount stores--a pastime not engaged in by most black men (a stereotype).

I then discovered a bargain: a blue chenille bathrobe for only twenty dollars. 0 get cold easily; I, too, am from the Caribbean.) I proceeded to drape the bulky · robe over my arm. Now, a bulky robe is rather impossible to conceal. Again, I noticed the guards repeated staring. No longer was I flattered by his attention. I was starting to get annoyed, because the guard not only stared but followed me from the main floor to the alcove, where I continued to browse before paying for the robe.

In the alcove, I angrily con-' fronted him. Did he think I was a thief?

Why didn't he follow the white people in the store? He mumbled that I must understand that it was his job to follow me.

Next incident. I was awaiting the opening of a South African concert at a theater called SymphOJ,1Y Space on New York's Broadway. I decided to go to a nearby greenmarket to· purchase a can of soda while waiting. After browsing a bit, I saw no . brands of soda that interested me and proceeded to walk out. While exiting, I was confronted by the Asian owner who demanded I open my book bag. When I asked why, he said he saw me put something in it. A white woman who saw the entire incident told me not to open my bag and said she would call a police officer to protect me. But I was weary after a long day of teaching, so I sadly opened my bag and left.

Third incident. A few years ago, I went to ·the famedjoseph Papp Theatre in New York. In the lobby was a young black guard who eyed me. Despite past negative history, I was still quite naive and thought I was being marveled at. Foolishly, I mistook his suspicious stare for veneration. He then approached me and asked why I was sitting in the lobby with the rest of the patrons·

T

14

who were awaiting the opening of the theater. l told him that I was also awaiting the performance. He demanded to see my ticket. I refused and, in turn, demanded to see his superior. Again, another white woman (she and I are now close friends and attend social functions together) came to my defense and told his superior that I was not doing anything to deserve harassment from this guard. (He still works at this theater.)

I remembered the5e annoying incidents when I

mistaken for Tupac Shakur."

"Always have the cletk bag your purchase, with the receipt inside the bag. " Macheo (a Swahili name) rolls his eyes but says respecth.dly, "Yeah, Dad. I know. I'll

remember."

He loves me , but he does not always remember.

There have been times at a Kmart when I have had to tell him not to touch the merchandise. "Macheo!" I have gasped. My son's name falls hard from my mouth , alarmingly.

"Get your hand ..."

"Okay, Dad," he says impatiently, muttering something that seems mad and sad all at the same time.

"I just don't want-" "I know, Dad, I know I'm sorry."

The author~ youngest child, Macheo, 18, as a boy and member of his high school football team.

recalled Deborah Mathis's term "Blackmotheritis," which she defined as "a nervous disorder afflicting millions of black women with adolescent children, particularly mothers of boys" (Liberal Week, September l, 1997, p. 3). Unfortunately, this disease is not confined to black mothers. Black fathers also suffer from their own peculiar strain.

That leads me to the title of this piece, 'The Tears of a Black Father." I am in pain.

I am a nag. This does hot fit the traditional image of a black man, who is supposed to be silent and strong. But I am this way because I want my teenage son, Macheo, to stay alive, and because I love him.

From a very early age Macheo would go with me to rallies in New York against police brutality and for civil rights in Harlem and neighboring communities.

And, like Deborah Mathis, I have to tell hiin:

"Keep your hands out of your pockets."

"Don't reach under your shirt. If theres an itch, just live with it. " "Even if it is below zero, keep your jacket open."

"Do not stay out after nine at night, even when visiting your running buddy across the street from home." (foo many cops have shot black boys in the back at night. )

I pay for the merchandise and we leave Kmart. · My son. He thinks he's sorry. A black boy who thinks ~at 1t is his "duty" to make me laugh after a hard day's work at the university. (He usually succeeds.)

Like Deborah Mathis, I consider it "an · infuriating condition," this "black-fatheritis."

There are times when I want to defy this disease: "Go ahead, son, scratch that itch, zip

your coat; put your hands wherever you want."

But before I speak, I remember my own incidences of racial harassment, and I know that my beloved Macheo will have to encounter this all his life. When he and his older brother (Maliki) are not permitted into a store in the shopping mall "because an adult is not with them," he must learn to deal with it. To accept it, as a penalty for being a black male in North America. Of course, he must keep his anger locked inside him. Of course, this repressed anger will vastly increase the likelihood that he will die from hypertension and stroke many years before his white playmates. As I write, I rough up his shaved head, and wrestle with him for a few minutes. He understands my gestures and laughs. I, too, laugh, because I do not want him to see me cry.

Vernon McClean is father/mother to Macheo, 18, Maliki, 19, and Malaika Nakupenda, 30, and chair of the Department of African-American and Caribbean Studies at The William Paterson University, Wayne, New Jersey.

·

"Do not wear baggy jeans. You might be Voice Male

Voices of Youth ------~---------------By Doug Ginn

Challenging Traditional Masculinity

Getting Out of the Box And, as it turned out for the group, he was not alone in feeling that way.

Only four years earlier, I had been in the same place as he was-uncertain about the world but grasping for some way of explaining it. In those four years, I have gone through many transformations; I still am, as its an ongqing process. Yet somewhere along the line, I forgot what it was like to be numb to the pain of others. This bo} 's comment triggered memories of being a desensitized teenager, struggling to feel in a desensitizing culture. ast year, a female co-facilitator and I were leading a discussion on gender oles with a group of white, lower-to , middle-class, high-school-age boys. Our first activity was to brainstorm what it meant to "act like a man. " On a sheet of newsprint we wrote their suggestions inside a square box, which we said represented the traditional view of masculinity.

Around the box, we wrote the consequences a man might face if he tried to step out of the "box of conformity." The result? Name calling, threats , violence: these kids knew what was up . They were becoming men in the same culture that produced me. _Misogyny, homophobia, and even violence were a part of life. This state of affairs seemed natural to them.

For the rest of the session, we discussed the ways gender roles are reinforced. I kept emphasizing the box as a visual metaphor to show how dominant, white masculinity is confining and rigid-besides being dangerous and destructive . Through the exercise, I hoped these teenage boys might glimpse what it was like to transgress their gender, to see the possibilities doing so opens. After a while, one of the older boys said something that shook the ground beneath my soapbox and made the square, visual metaphor on the newsprint behind me seem irrelevant. "I don't know," he said, "I kind of like being inside the box."

Yes, he admitted , "acting like a man" meant you often had to seek out danger tq prove yourself, but the danger could be 路 fun . Yeah, you had to disrespect girls and gays with your friends, but that's how you got to be a part of their clique. Most important, acting like a man gave you power and privileges in this society that were withheld from most other groups of people. Despite the fact that "being a man" meant dominating others and never showing vulnerability, the payoff, for this teenage male anyway, was still worth it.

"I don't know," one teenage boy said.

"I kind of like being inside the box."

And he was not alone in feeling that way.

My parents did as much as they could to teach me about the world and the importance of caring for other people.

They tried to explain why violence was never the answer; that there was never an excuse for violence against women; that you should always respect those with different lifestyles and opinions. I am the man I am today because of them-but the hardest part of the journey had to be walked alone . There wasn't much my parents could do during the years between beginning junior high and graduating from high school. I didn't want tb be shielded anymore. I wanted to stand on my own two feet, and that meant walking face first into the oncoming wave of adolescence.

The media landscape through which I wandered was relatively the same as the one this group of teenage boys was experiencing. It's a world where society is corrupt and everyone screws everyone, so you might as well get yours while you can. The only thing that really matters is being hyper-cool. Any sort of brutality can be made acceptable if its sexy enough. This world isn't much different from the one that most adults consume every day, but adults have other things to occupy their minds-paying the bills, raising kids, trying to be good role models. For young people, this corrupt world is our whole 路 world.

We don't immediately accept it,.of course. We want to believe that there is goodness in the world, but the positive

role models get fewer and fewer the farther we get from the world of our parents. At first, "polite society" filled me with rage because it stank of falseness, but the only outlet for this rage was mediated (and medicated)-through TV, music, and movies. The violence had to be extreme, the sex ultra-raunchy, and the music aggressive and loud. The more cracks that appeared in society's civilized fac;:ade, the more jaded I made myself.

Eventually, it became a source of pride.

Anyone who still cared about "saving the world" was naive and open to ridicule .

Now, I can see this whole process happening at an even earlier age as I watch young people growing up.

The flipside to this depressing tale is that I eventually grew tired of being unable to feel any real emotions. The power and privilege that came from staying "inside the box" felt hollow. I wanted to try being something other than ultra-jaded and hyper-cooL When I got to college, studying history, theory, and politics stirred up the embers in my stomach, and as passion returned to my heart, I found a healthy outlet working with organizations dedicated to social change-not on a fly-by-night basis, but as a long-term project spanning, I hope, the rest of my life.

Too few young adults get the chance to explore the opportunities college offers , and many young men who do get to college have already grown too accustomed to the "box" of masculinity to be able to give it up. To seriously challenge sexism, instead of just preaching, we need to acknowledge how difficult it is for young boys to adopt any other persona but the traditional, dominant, masculine one.

There have to be outlets for young boys to channel their anger into healthier forms of expression, and we need to mitigate that anger by honestly engaging with them from a very early age . Most important, men, and especially young men, need to set the example of a masculinity that is lived "outside the box."

Doug Ginn, 21, is a student at Hampshire College in Amherst, Mass. He is working on a video documentary about his parents' experiences living in a big city, a small town, and a sprawling suburb.

Winter 2001 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Gay & Bisexual Voices - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - By Michael Greenebaum

Am I Gay or Bisexual?

Asking the Big Question none of the incessant political interview shows on television, the journalist-host concludes each program by asking "the Big Question." This gives the politician-guest a chance to respond with the big evasion or the big platitude.

On Monday nights, the Men's Resource Center offers a drop-in group for "Gay, Bisexual, and Questioning" (GBQ) men. No doubt, those who so labeled the group imagined that questioning men might be asking themselves the Big Question: "Am I gay or bisexual?"

That may be the Big Question, but it is also the question that many men have been evading for the better part of a lifetime. At one time in our lives it seemed as though asking the question was harder than answering it. Getting to the point of asking that question can be a long and anxious process-it takes real courage to look at oneself in the mirror and ask the Big Question. B!Jt when he is prepared to ask it, the questioner is also ready to answer it.

And when he does at last answer it, he often feels an incredible lightness and freedom, as though weights he didn't know he was fettered to suddenly disappear. He realizes how much energy he has expended in defending his ignorance, in resisting the knowledge he didn't want to know he knows .

But the answer is no longer as simple as it once was thought to be. Once upon a time, a man was either gay or straight. As I thought about my sexuality-or rather as I thought about not thinking about it-the idea of being gay was so dreadful that those strange reveries I found myself having must have been happening to someone else. Or at least I built so strong a fence around the "I" that was having those dreams that I could imagine (read "pretend") they were occurring to someone else. I could not be gay; it was out of the question.

Out of the question. For me fifty years ago- and for countless men and women today-having any same-sex feelings was literally out of the realm in which questions can be asked. So perhaps the strongest reason for putting the "Q" in "GBQ" is to affirm that homosexuality and bisexuality are no longer out of the question. It is reasonable and courageous and powerful to ask the Big Question.

But in fact there are many big questions.

Sexuality, after all, is that astonishing thing, so central to our being and so trivial, so urgent and so ludicrous, so all-consuming and so incidental. Many men find them-

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16

selves periodically caught up in the paradoxes of their sexuality and the questions that grow out of those paradoxes. Come to a Monday night group, and you will meet men who have asked themselves questions like these: Why do I want to be sexual with men, if I really love my wife?

Why do I need something that I don't really want (or vice versa)?

How can I get rid of my own homophobia (whether or not I am gay)?

Why does the thought of having sex with a guy turn me on but the thought of kissing him turn me off (or vice versa)?

Why, if I am so smart, do I act so stupidly?

Why, if I am so moral, am I cheating on a loved one? .

How can I reconcile my sexuality with a church or synagogue that denies its worth?

What would my family, friends and coworkers think if they knew ho.w I really feel?

How do I really feel?

And there are other questions which cannot perhaps be asked in a generalcirculation publication , but which can beand are-asked on Monday nights. In fact, the Big Question may or may not have a definitive answer, but it certainly does open the floodgate of real questions that many men, confused about or frightened of their sexuality, find themselves confronting-or not confronting.

One of the great pleasures in my life, since I started writing openly about my own sexuality several years ago, has been hearing from men who have been asking themselves questions like these over a lifetime but have never shared them with others. Men my age (67 and counting) grew up associating gayness with guilt, with shame, with fear. I don't suppose we ever get rid of those feelings entirely We kept our secrets to our-

selves, or-just as often-from ourselves. Once we take the risk of sharing our secrets, we can begin sharing our questions , and soon we find that we are sharing our life stories and what once made us shameful can make us feel wonderful.

Being among men who have asked similar questions as oneself is truly liberating.

Realizing that these questions do not have definitive or final answers helps one understand that sexuality is a nuanced and subtle phenomenon. Men who are centered in their homosexuality have just as many . questions as those who are unsure about their sexuality. Acknowledging one's sexuality is dne thing. Expressing it is another. Sc-a-r-y.

The Monday night group is not a therapy session. Participants listen and share and support one another. We try to speak from our own experiences rather than give advice. We are scrupulous about confidentiality, and even though some participants have gotten to know one another well, anonymity is the expectation.

Participants are encouraged to speak when they are ready, but are never pressed to speak if they are not. Some members are out and open; some are very much in the closet, and some are still afraid to look at themselves in· the mirror. All are welcomed, all are supported , and all leave the group knowing that their privacy outside of the walls of the group will be respected.

Got a question? Come and ask it!

Writer-musician Michael Greenebaum was an elementary school principal in Amherst, Mass., for 20 years. He facilitates the GBQ group as a volunteer for the Men's Resource Center.

ounfain

177 Main Street, Northampton • 586-0803 • Open 7 Days

eevour Local Fun Fi-t-ters" Voice Male

New Network Founded For Single Gay Men

GBQ Resources

QueerSingles.com is a new free online resource bringing gay men together for a vanety of casual and fun activities.

Officially named the Single Gay Men's Social Activities Network of Western Massachusetts, the service helps individual single gay men who are hosting social activities of their choosmg to publicize their events by listing them on QueerSingles.com's website and by distributing announcements.

QueerSingles.com was the brainchild of john Bickford, a gay graduate student at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst.

"I was single and sick of bars and clubsthey're just not a good atmosphere for meeting people," said Bickford. "I wanted a community resource that brought together single gay men from all walks of life for fun , casual interaction. Nothing like that existed, so I created it myself. " The service began in November and appeared to be attracting considerable attention and support from the gay community QueerSingles.com's resources are openly available to all single queer-identified men free of charge. Scheduled activities are listed on the website; single queer men may freely join these activities or schedule events of their own.

Other free resources from Queer Singles.com include an electronic mailing list for the announcement and discussion of activities and a participant profiles area, where single gay men may introduce themselves to the QueerSingles.com community.

If QueerSingles.com continues to be successful in Western Massachusetts it will expand to include other regions within Massachusetts and around New England, according to Bickford.

More information about Queer Singles.com is available by contacting queersingles@hotmail.com or by visiting http://www.queersingles.com.

Winter2001-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

17

By Carl Erikson

Book Review

Our Bodies, Our Gay Selves my of pleasure. Hardcore information, litadvice, expectations, quotes from guys who are there, and considered observations and suggestions. There are warnings, too, though this book condemns very little. To help us put the information into action, the book ere's a book that has its suggests ways to work cut out for it-a TO GAY M fN'S maintain good health complete guide to gay :;;::;'#] SEXUAL I'HYSlCAl. and healthy attitudes men's sexual, physical, and emotion1.• .·• .i AND l:MOTfONAL and perspectives. This al well-being. When I first picked WI:LL·I\l:iNG chapter ends with an up this hefty volume the word easy-to-use chart of "Complete" struck me as arrogant informatfon for "trouand hucksterish. A review of the • ...) ble shooting" and with table of contents for l3 chapters and directions to further two large informative appendices . reduced my reaction to "optimistic" .______,_._._.·-·-· _"_"_·_.'_...J information.

Each chapter uses and "big goals. " Dipping into chapthis approach, which makes it very hard ters, and getting seduced-and for the reader to stop in mid-chapter. informed-by their contents, left me Although irritating when you've got to largely believing in the subtitle's claims. take a pee or leave to make a meeting on "Complete" for the author, Daniel time, it pretty much ensures that you get Wolfe, does not mean encyclopedic, or the information in its full context and microscopic, or abstract, or complex stawith all of its realities and possibilities. tistically. It has some elements of all of From pleasure, the book then moves these, but combines them into holistic on to sex facts , then to cruising, coupling, unities that us mere mortal gay men can and communication and finally to sex understand and actually use! More troubles, both physical and psychological. important, Wolfe puts everything in conPart Two concentrates on the body in texts we actually live, and think about, general: what's there , how to take good joke about, and sometimes fear. (and bad) care of it, how to find and use The information begins where most of a doctor, and what the future will bring. us focus our energy: on sex, on the anato-

~:: COM;~;~}~~~UlDf

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II

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The chapter on aging considers the social as well as the physical issues of older gay men. Part Three takes on major medical issues, HIV particularly, in their physical, legal, financial, and social facets . Part Four focuses on matters of the mind, relationships, and spirituality The book ends with detailed resource information, including website addresses, for organizations and services on a wide range of topics of interest to gay men. A special appendix has information for transgender, transvestite , and other intersex persons.

Much of the information and insights in Men Like Us came from firsthand discovery or experience, from one-on-one interviews, a yearlong Internet survey, workshops, and lunch and dinner table conversations. This book, gay man to gay man, provides help , advice, and support for many of the big challenges of gay life.

The Gay Men's Health Crisis, an AIDS service organization founded in 1981 , organized this book because its experience showed that HIV treatment was much, much more than just condoms and pills. While this book will not answer every question or allay every pang of anxiety you might have, it will give each of us many answers, as well as the means for discovering answers to the rest of our questions.

Carl Erikson is a writer, artist, and business manager at the Men's Resource Center.

The last Sunday of each month

Dec. 31

Call for January, February dates.

11 a.m. -1 p.m.

The MRC will provide bagels, cream cheese, and coffee.

Pot-luck dishes are welcome.

For Information: 413 253-9887 Paul Entis or Carl Erikson

18

MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER A MALE-POSITIVE, PRO-FEMINIST, GAY-AFFIRMATIVE, ANTI-RACIST ORGANIZATION 236 N. PLEASANT STREET AMHERST

Voice Male

Men's Work in Mexico

Coming Home in a New Way By j uan Carlos Arean When the MRC's juan Carlos Aredn traveled to Mexico not long ago, he encountered pro-feminist mens work well under way in his native land.

What follows is his report.

In some ways, the scene was familiar. It was something I had done many times over the last 11 years. I was sitting in a circle of men who were committed to being real and truthful. We told our stories and opened our hearts to each other. There were tears and there was laughter.

I was surrounded by my brothers.

Yet there was something so different; I had never experienced anything like it. Every man present had black hair and dark eyes; there were many shades of brown skin in the room and men were speaking Spanish with Mexican accents. Out in the street, there,was smog and traffic. I was in the middle of Mexico City surrounded by my brothers!

I was attending a weekend workshop on "Men and Masculinities" offered by an organization flamed CORIAC, which stands for Colectivo de Hombres por Relaciones Igualitarias, A.C., or Mens Collective for Equal Relations, Inc. It was the climax of an amazing week I spent in Mexico in September which included three different and independent events related to masculinity. Incredibly, I was originally going to Mexico for completely unrelated reasons. It wasn't until I had bought my ticket that I found out there was going to be a . conference on Masculinity Studies organized by Mexicos National University (UNAM). I was

invited to the conference where I found out' about the premiere screening of a video about fathering and the CORIAC workshop, all within the same week. I believe in synchronicity, but this seemed more .like a miracle.

I was born and grew up in Mexico City, but have lived almost half of my life in the United States. I try to go back to my tierra at least once a year. I still have a lot of old friends there and I have made some new ones. I often talk to them about my passion for creating new and positive ways to be a man. Sometimes, hpwev-路 er, I just get blank stares in return. That is why it was so. exciting to find not one or two, but mauy men who share my passion and vision.

The week started with a three-day conference on Masculinity Studies at the Center for Social Studies of the UNAM. There were about 15 participants, including leading Mexican researchers, academics, feminist activists and representatives from non-governmental organizations (NGO) who work with men in Mexico City and other parts of the country. The main presenter was Robert Connell, a well-known Australian professor.

The conference was interesting, although-a bit abstract at times for my taste. Two of the

central ideas discussed were that there is not one masculinity, but many masculinities (determined by nationality, class, race, religion, time, etc.) and that masculinity is broader than just what men do. Also discussed was the fact that women also have a masculine side, as men have a feminine side. Connell sees this fact as two complementary forces which have to be understood in relationship. Finding a balance between these two elements is what leads to a wholesome humanity.

There was also a good deal of discussion about the relationship between gender oppression and other kinds of oppression.

Interestingly, racism was hardly mentioned at all, whereas imperialism and colonialism (sometimes just referred to as globalization) were identified and discussed as major forms of oppression, along with homophobia and classism.

Most important (or me was meeting men and women who not only spoke Spanish, but spoke the language of male-positive profeminism or, as they say down there, understand issues from a "gender perspective. " continued on page 27

Members oj CORIAC, the Men's Collective for Equal Relations

Winter 2001 - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - 19

Notes from Survivors - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - By Sam Femiano

Return to Sender:

Letter Writing as Therapy Networking with other survivors who have writMany survivors who have written letters to ten similar letters can be invaluable. Perhaps its perpetrators have been surprised by the length of a good time to go into therapy, or to schedule a time it took to complete them. What seemed check-in visit with a therapist one has worked like a task to accomplish in one sitting lasted weeks. But length of time doesn't matter. Writing · with in the past. For those already in therapy, it might be a good idea to talk about hopes and is not about getting the letter finished but about expectations from the letter, including actually going through the process. If it takes weeks or. months to represent all the feelings and thoughts sending it to the perpetrator. Before starting to write, an important initial step in self-care is to be in a way that feels right, let it take that much clear about ones hopes, dreams, fantasies and time. There$ no hurry! Letter writers who think they have finished are advised to put the letter · expected outcomes. Throughout the letter writing process, periodically "check in" for "inner away for a while and then re-read it with a little updates" regarding expectations from the effort. distance. If it still feels right after a few days or To lessen their fears and help them face their weeks, it may be ready for the next step.

For many survivors, letter writing is one of past trauma, many survivors have found it helpful to separate and protect their "child-self' the only ways available to confront a perpetrator throughout the process. One man I know imagbecause that person may have disappeared or ined his "child-self' telling his "adult-self' what died or is unwilling to meet. Or, as is often the he remembered and how he felt as he was being case, seeing them would place the survivor in emotional or physical danger and would risk reabused. His adult-self would then sit down to traumatization. write about it in the letter: Tne child-self had the If one decides to try letter writing as a method opportunity to watch a competent adult stand up x . for him, something he had always wished for. For for healing, there are several considerations to the first time, he said, his child-self felt that he keep in mind. First, decide whether help, suphad a true ally as they tackled the project togethport, or guidance is needed or wanted at the outer. set of this new chapter in the healing journey Survivors who try letter writing.have found it very useful to tell their perpetrators what happened from their own perspective, how it felt then, and how it feels now, looking back. In their own words, they let their perpetrators know they hold them totally accountable for what happened, and they are giving back. to them all the negative feelings , memories, and shame they have held all this.time. If the perpetrators are people who continue to play an active role in their lives, This unique event will focus on critical passages and areas of a in the letter they may also want to assert some man's life where many of our core issues, deepest wounds rules for future interactions. They may want to tell the perpetrator they have shared their story and greatest potentials reside. with others and no longer intend to keep secret the perpetrators behavior.

Conference presenters: Once the letter is finished, if the decision is made not to send it, or if the perpetrators identity or whereabouts is unknown, there are other John Lee, Author of The Flying Boy, Writing from the Body, At My Father's options. Showing someone the letter, having him Wed4ing, and Facing the Fire. or .her witness it, can be important. Some men have chosen to read their letters to trusted friends or at public forums. Others have offered their letJeffrey Duvall, Associate Director of the Men's Council Project. ters for publication, and/or to be shared with other survivors as offers of hope and strength.

Joe Laur, Consultant, Shadow Work facilitator and naturalist.

Still others have used the letters in rituals of letting go (burning them, setting them adrift in a . bottle, or scattering letter ashes at the shore.)

There are no hard and fast rules about what to . do. Whatever one decides, survivors are advised to check in with themselves and to follow their hearts.

Sexual abuse is a deeply hurtful experience, and the secrecy of it makes it doubly so. Letter Cost: $300 if full payment postmarked by 2/1/2001,$350 after. writing helps to externalize what happened, to provide an outside anchor. It breaks the secret, To ·reserve your place, mail $100 deposit to: giving the survivor the freedom to move on with his life.

any m<J.l~ (and female) survivors of childhood sexual abuse come to realize that they carry their abuse experience into the present in many forms, and they look to find ways to "get it out," or to "exorcise" the experience and the memories of the abuse. Telling the story verbally, though helpful in many ways, often is not enough. The story must somehow be externalized, anchored outside in some way Only then can a survivor feel able to move forward, unencumbered by the past, ready to finish transforming what happened to him into knowledge that can help him thrive in the present. He needs to let go of the "old story" and write a new accounting, one of his own choosing.

There is great wisdom in the concept of "givmg it back," that is, giving the pain, the shame, the helplessness and inhumanity back to the per- · petrator of the abuse. A method used by many survivors to exorcise and confront their experience and their fears is letter writing. Letter writing can be as formal or informal as one chooses.

It can be a flow of consciousness or a point-bypoint treatise. It can address thoughts or feelings or both. It is a very effective tool.

M

God, Sex & Money An experiential conference for men

.M arch 9-11, 2001 ,

Soirrce of Life Center, 22 West 34th Street, NY, NY

ManKind Project New York, do Mark LaRiviere 137 Rivington Street #B, New York NY 10002.

Tel, 212 228-6885

e-mail, markl@accesshub.net

Sam Femiano is a psychologist in p1ivate practice in Northampton, Mass. , working with survivors of childhood abuse.

20 ·----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Voice Male

1

Book Review

--------------------By Richard Hoffman Male Survivors:

Discovering a Different Kind of Power the right word, not the expected one; not the acceptable word, but the one that truly corresponds to experience. Listening restores faith, integrity, authenticity, freedom . No one has the right to stay ignorant of atrocity.

Mike Lew is a consummate listener.

Author of the highly regarded 1988 book Victims No Longer; he is a longtime advocate for male he dreams of the powerless are survivors. To those who either to flee to safety or to gain know his work-his writpower. ing, his speaking, his workshops, his steadfast Ivan Klima, dissident Czech writer advocacy-this book is a much-anticipated blessing.

"Freedom is the right not to lie," He has modeled for all of Alben Camus once wrote, and in this us that quality that invites book brave men assert that right and the truth to emerge in all exercise that freedom in the service of its subtlety and complexity healing one another. Their truthHe has brought together a telling is the "untelling" of many lies moving chorus of men's and distortions about boyhood and voices here . Arresting as maleness, about the sexual abuse of each one is, taken together they demonstrate boys, and about recovery Here are the voices what Lew often says: "Because the sexual of men who have seen through the lies, sufabuse of children takes place in secret, in isofered to bring their exiled spirits home, and ' lation, recovery must take place in the open, struggled to regain their freedom. Here you with others." will find a brotherhood that does not rely on You will find no cheap locker-room advice adherence to doctrine, girding for war, or here. No counsel to "Get over it," "Shake it subjugation of others. Here you will find new off," "Suck it up ." You will find no pernicious men. talk about the "necessity" to forgive . Nor are The powerful words of witness in this you likely to encounter any psycho-babble book challenge the stereotype (which exists to about "the cycle of violence," so-called "falseshame victims into silence) of the forever memories," or "the profile of the (sic) male wounded, the psychologically damaged, the sex-abuse victim." These are the voices of emotionally crippled. But it would be a terrimen-white, black, Asian, Hispanic, straight, ble waste if these words were not also heard gay, bisexual-regarding themselves honestly by those who are fortunate enough not to and confiding what they see and understand. have undergone such suffering. Telling the All told, the book contains moving contributruth and listening to it are reciprocal processtions from hundreds of men of all ages and es by which we build and maintain a vital backgrounds in the United States and 45 community. Listening also gives people the other countries . occasion and the reason to find language to speak the truth. It encourages the teller to find

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More and more men are coming forward, empowered by their brothers-in-recovery (many of whom have allowed themselves to be instructed by courageous sisters-in-recovery). They are propelled by the knowledge that standard-issue male consciousness is inadequate to anything but displacement of their pain, and can only exist in the context of abusive hierarchical power. For men, rejecting the shame and silence that are the usual legacy of sexual child abuse involves defection from a bankrupt ideology that defines power as dominion, supremacy, command.

When we speak the truth, we wake from this terrible delusion. At first there is pain, like the blood returning to a numb limb when we've slept too long, too drunkenly, too deeply We wake to a world where others are suffering from the onslaughts of abusive power: where children are still being violated, women are still being raped, men are still being beaten, and where shame still drives the deadly machinery of disempowennent and disintegration. But it is also a world where, once we commit ourselves to the struggle for wholeness, recovery, and justice, there is joy and laughter, solidarity and strength- a world of truth-telling and compassionate listening, as evidenced by this book and the powerful voices that are here assembled.

Many of us who read these pages have suffered the trauma of boyhood sexual abuse and will be strengthened and inspired by the generosity and honesty found here. Before committing to the hard work of recovery, we have to believe that it's real, that it's possible to find a way out of shame and confusion, and that there is a kind of power (besides power over those who are weaker) worth claiming. There is abundant positive proof in this book.

Poet and activist Richard Hoffman is author of Half the House: A Memoir.

Anger Problem? Discover Fair Fighting Discover Merging

Richard H. Martin, D.Min. Psychotherapist, Couple & Family Therapist Editor: A Manual for Support Group Facilitators (MRC) Co-Director of A Center for Transforming Relationships Free initial consultation â&#x20AC;˘ Sliding Scale available 8 River Drive, Hadley

(413) 584-7770, (413) 253-3353

Men's Retreats Welcome Winter2001------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 21

By joe Zoske

Men's Health

Don't Believe the Hype

Men's Health at a Crossroads he "battle of the sexes" has been mercifully fading as a pop-culture notion since its heyday in the sixties.

Unfortunately, it continues to plague the health care debate . It's not stated in those terms, of course; but it's reflected in the posturing of advocates. Their gambit: assert your positions for funding and programs by comparing death and disease statistics between men and women, and then demand recompense from government officials to correct perceived injustices.

On the men's side, the longevity argument has been the rallying cry: "Women outlive men by seven yearsl Men have been losing ground to this gender longevity gap since 1920! It's time we do something!"

This complaint became the impetus for men's health legislation, the subtitle of a widely acclaimed men's health book, the theme of a national men's health conference, and is being used to promote a national Men's Health Office. However, this argument is divisive and not based on substance-only a deceptive playing with numbers.

The truth: most U.S. men have enjoyed a steady life expectancy increase since 1900, as have women. (The exceptions are African-American men from the mid-1980s to the mid-1990s, and Native American men.) The increases are primarily due to control of infectious diseases, food safety, better sewage and water treatment, and the like. It's certainly not because of personal health practices, since, as a nation, we are fatter and lazier at all ages than at any time in our history. Women's life expectancy gains have been greater because of the added advancements in maternal health, and the dramatic drop in childbirth mortality That's something to be celebrated, not used manipulatively. Men are not diminished by such a life-enhancing achievement

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for women. Indeed, women outlive men in 200 cultures around the world, with biology now recognized as a key factor.

Clearly, there are injustices in health care. There are skewed policies, unfair resource distribution, disturbing disparities in communities of lower socioeconomic status , fragmented services, etc. But the deceptions-by-numbers continue, in attempts to "win" in the artificially created, social policy money squeeze.

A current example is prostate cancer advocacy While it's a serious man's disease, is it really true-as many respected organizations and individuals promote-that "one out of three men will develop prostate cancer in his lifetime"? The answer: No. The reality: by using biopsies , microscopic cancer cells can be found in large numbers of aging men's prostates, but that is not the same as clinical disease. Indeed, some experts place the risk at more like 1 out of 30. Significant, sure, but more in proportion with the truth . In fact, mortality from prostate cancer has been going down since 1991 because of improvements in public awareness and medical diagnosis and treatment. But creating inflated anxiety in people remains standard practice in disease "marketing."

Why play with numbers? Because the national health agenda is "gamed" so that funding more readily goes to those "diseases of the month" which get the notoriety from tragedy, media, celebrities, and shifting political winds. But I worry about our credibility in the men's health movement if we continue to take this "my victimization is bigger than yours" approach. There are gains , but at what cost? Almost weekly I find myself correcting someone's inflated misstatement about men's health, catching their complicity in the "lie."

So how do we effectively and realistically

UPCOMING JOBS AT THE MRC ~· Support Program Director (20-30 hr/wk) .

•:• Campus Educator- University of Massachusetts (40 hr/wk) •:• Program Assistant- Im~igrant and Refugee Communities Program (20 hr/wk) •:• Youth Coordinator (20 hr/wk- contingent on funding) •:• Office Assistant (20 hr/wk- begin March)

FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT CARL ERIKSON- 253-9887 EXT. 13 22

advocate for men's health in our pluralistic society?

It's a challenging question that demands deep thinking, not overly simplistic solutions. The answers lie in more affirmative, values-based strategies promotingjustice, empowerment, and shared responsibility Some Do's and Don'ts to consider: Do start building more health care coalitions between men and women. Don't cloud the truth with deception. Don't posture men's health in opposition to women's health, or conversely Such manipulative competition acts out social hostility, and fosters mistrust between men and women.

Our core health problems lie within complex social issues, not between genders.

Do build community between men of all diversities, recognizing that we are all interconnected and benefit best from raising everyone's physical well-being. Don't advocate for one high-risk group of men at the expense of others, or pose each favored illness as the "number-one health problem for men." Let's make all men and their health needs visible and act jointly without prejudice .

Do address larger-scale health issues (excessive corporate profit-taking from medical tragedies, pollution, violence, occupational safety). Don't be deceived into believing that individual choice alone (diet, exercise , smoking, etc.) is the primary solution to the health of our nation. Indeed, the American Public Health Association courageously identifies the true number-one health problem in the United States: poverty! It leads to more uninsured , unsafe, and unhealthy communities, and less access to services.

Men's health is at a crossroads. Tremendous gains have been made. More awareness, commitment, research, and services are devoted to men's gendered health needs than ever before. And there's so much more to do. However, most determinants of health affect us all, with relatively little being gender-specific. Where separate gender issues exist, advocates have a choice to make . They can continue the status quo .

Or, they can learn from and help one another, emphasizing the social web that keeps us all safe and builds truly healthy communities.

joe Zoskt: is Voice Male's health columnist and a public health consultant who lives in Albany, N.Y

Voice Male

MRC P'ROGRAMS & SERVICES SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS · Open Men's Group - 7-9 p.m. Sunday evenings at the MRC Amherst office, Tuesday evenings 7-9 p.m. at 218 State St., Northampton. A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other. · Survivors o( Childhood Abuse - Specifically for men who are survivors of any kind of childhood abuse. Call the MRC , (413) 253-9887, for details . · Gay, Bisexual, & Questioning 7-9 p.m. Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation. · GBQ Brunch- Last Sunday of the month, 10 AM- l p.m. at the MRC.

FATHERING PROGRAMS A variety of resources are available-lawyer referrals, parenting guidance, workshops, educational presentations and conferences.

Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/divorced, gay, step, adoptive and other fathers/father figures .

YOUTH PROGRAMS · Radio Active Youth (RAY): Monthly youth radio show on WMUA (91.1 FM) .

Youth Dialogue Project: College men trained to lead workshops for high school and middle school students on violence prevention, positive masculinity, and healthy relationships .

Youth Overcoming Violence (Youth MOVE): A violence prevention group for young men (ages 14-19) who have been violent or abusive to others.

· Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available. · Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING Available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics. Specific trainings and consultation available.

PUBLICATIONS · Voice Male: Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles , essays, reviews and resources , and services related to men and masculinity. · Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors, a 60-page manual which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there. "

RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, support programs for men. Our library and resource files are available to all MRC members.

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE) MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies available.

· Basic Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Ware, Springfield, and Greenfield. · Follow-up: Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton and Amherst. · Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program. · Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections.

Interested In A Men's Resource Center Speaker?

A Workshop or Training?

Contact Carl Erikson at (413) 253-9887 mrc@valinet.com

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RESOURCES Men's Resources

(Additional Resources listed on page 16) The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups, patient support groups, nutritional supplements, dressings and supplies, literature, low-cost housing, and transportation.

Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County We are looking for men to be Big Brothers in the Hampshire County area.

Big Brothers act as mentors and role models to boys who need a caring adult friend. To learn more about being a Big Brother, call (413) 253-2591 .

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444; free, confidential HIV/AIDS services, including support, prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities.

Children's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals, families and children, with a play therapy room for working with children. Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress.

HIV Testing Hotline (800) 750-2016 Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals- 123 Hawley St., Northampton.

Doors open at 6 PM. Planned Parenthood of Western Massachusetts 413 732-2363 Outreach volunteers wanted to help distribute information about Planned Parenthood's services, promote safe sex practices, and rally support for pro-choice legislation at various events.

Konza Massage Deep tissue, sports , structural body work and relaxation therapy for men

Joseph Babcock 413.587.4334 A.M.T.A Member

Very Reasonable Rates

Nationally Certified

Readv to Change Your Life?

Group Therapy

Psychotherapy for:

413-586-7454

Reed Schimmelfing MSW, LICSW

Couples - Families Individuals

Internet Resources Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www.mrc-wma.com National Men's Resource Center National calendar of events, directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships. www.menstuff.org The Men's Issues Page: www.vix.com/pub/men/index.html 100 Black Men, Inc.: www.100bm.org Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminist.com/pro.htm Pro-feminist mailing list: http://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkin /profem.html

,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,

Sam Femiano, Th.D., Ed,D. LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Individual and group psychotherapy Therapy groups for male survivors of childhood abuse 25 MAIN STREET- NORTHAMPTON, MA 01060 TEL: 4 13-586-0515 • Fax: 413-584-8903 • EMAIL: PATSAM®JAVANET.COM

At Home Dad: www.parentsplace.com/readroom /athomedad The Fathers Resource Center: www.slowlane.com/frc National Fatherhood Initiative: www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet The Fatherhood Project: www. fatherhoodproject.org

Magazines

Olflces In Northampton

,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues Education and support services for adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals, etc. Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month. Ann Henry- (413) 584-6599.

Fathers

I

M~n's

Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England.

!!

•• •••

Achlles Heel {from Great Britain): www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achilles /issues.html XY:men, sex politics (from Australia): http://coombs.anu.edu.au/- gorkin/XY /xyintro.htm Ending Men's Violence Real Men: www.cs.utk.edu/-bartley/other/reaiMen.html The Men's Rape Prevention Project: www.mrpp.org/intro.html Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www.geocities.com/CapitaiHill/1139 /quitporn.html

,,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,

24

Voice Male

RESOURCES Volunteers NeededAIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-82898 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected

by HIV or AIDS. Men are especially needed.

Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County (413) 253-2591 Bangs Community Center, Boltwood Walk, Amherst, Massachusetts.

Men's Resource Center (413) 253-9887 Distribution, ad sales and mailings for Voice Male, general. office work, special projects, etc. Flexible schedules.

William P. Ryan, Ph.D. Psychologist Office in Shelburne ·F alls, Mass.

Affordable Rates

(413) 625-2828 \

John Coan III Counseling Therapeutic Bodywork Offering psychosynthesis counseling, massage, and integrative body/mind therapy.

Amherst

qn ()Ur c:Bones: CWafdltfJ tfte

413.586.3472

Thom Levy, M. Ed., LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor

~ascufine .7\rcftet~s A practical, experiential workshop .for men

• Psychotherapy for Individuals and Couples • EMDR for OvercoqJing Traumas, Phobias and Performance Anxieties • Stress Reduction Training

with

Joseph DiCenso I counselor, facilitator, coach

Amherst, MA • tel and fax 413-549-2901 • hpandtl@crocker.com

J

January 16th & 23rd 7:15- 9:30pm Network Chiropractic .

21 Mohawk Tr., Greenfield For info, call 413.367.0206 (see calendar listing for details)

Robert Mazer psychotherapy for men in transition, men seeking movement in their lives free initial consultation I flexible fees staff ~ember at the Synthesis Center in Amherst

Winter 2001

256-0772 25

CALENDAR December 5-10 Santa Fe, New Mexico Reconciliation &: Communion: Fostering Transformational Healing between Women 1 and Men • Sponsor: Shavano Institute of Boulder, Colorado.

Purpose: to change gender imbalance and cultivate intimacy beyond sex and romance. For singles, couples, gay, straight, bisexual, and transgender. $575. Information: (720) 890-0336; gender@shavano.org; PO Box 17904, Boulder, CO · 80308; www.shavano.org.

December 6-8, 7:30 a.m.-5:00p.m. daily Washington, DC Fatherhood Development: A Curriculum for Young Fathers Sponsor: National Center for Strategic Nonprofit Planning and Community Leadership (NPCL).

Workshops to help practitioners use the Curriculum, whose purpose is to help both young and older fathers with parenthood and responsible manhood. 25 streetwise group discussions. $425 +Room&: Board. Information: Tel. (202) 822-6725; Fax (202) 822-5699; nvann@npcl.org; Nigel Vann, Director of Partnership Development, National Center for Strategic Nonprofit Planning and Community Leadership (NPCL), 2000 L Street, NW, Suite 815, Washington, DC 20036.

December 7, 2000, and February 7, 2001 Amherst, Massachusetts Violence Prevention · Sponsor: Amherst Regional Middle School (ARMS). Parent workshop to follow up·on the Violence Prevention Kickoff workshops held on October 18 and 19. Purpose: to help parents help children deal with harassment, humiliation, exclusion, and violence, and improve their social climate. At ARMS. Information: (413) 5499880.

january 1-31 ,2001, 24 hrs. a day, 7 days a week Online at http://www.globalbizshows.com/ First Annual Men's Health Show 2001 Online vinual trade show and consumer event.

Exhibitors' Web sites for health, self-care, consulting, and male vitality Attendance: free.

Exhibit: $250.00. Information: Roben Zawaski: rzawaski@globalbizshows.com; toll free 1-87762 9-8399; www.globalbizshows.com/Sales/.

introducing the four masculine archetypes of Raben Moores and Douglas Gillette$ King, Warrior, Magician, Love. Sliding scale: $25-$45 (for both nights). At Netw,ork Chiropractic, 21 Mohawk Trail. Information: (413) 367-0206;

josephd@crocker.com. january 24, 2001 , 8:00 a.m.-3:30p.m.

Wellesley, Massachusetts Working with Complexities of Gender in Schooling Seventh Annual K-12 Gender Equity in Schools Conference. Sponsor: Wellesley Centers for Women, Wellesley College.

Panel discussion and workshops. Professional Development Provider Cenificates and other credits available. Prepaid registration required by january 3, 2001, by mail to Helen Matthews, Gender Equity Conference, Wellesely College, 106 Central Street, Wellesely, MA 02481-8203. $175 , including lunch. Discounts available.

Information: Tel. (781) 283-2506; Fax (781) 283-3646; hmatthew@wellesleyedu.

February 9, 2001, 1:00-4:45 p.m.

Springfield, Massachusetts Childhood Loss and the Impact on Adulthood: Strategies of Treatment Sponsored by Western New England College.

Social Work"Half Day Workshop. 3.5 Category I Credit Hours. $35.00. Information: (413) 7821473.

26

August 10-12, 2001 Windsor Locks, Connecticut Fourth Annual Ritual Abuse, Secretive Organizations and Mind Control Conference Sponsor: SMART (Stop Mind Control and Ritual Abuse Today). Purpose: to help survivors of ritual abuse and prevent its future occurrence and that of mind control. For survivors, professionals, and others. At Double Tree Hotel near Bradley International Airpon. Information: smartnews@aol.com; PO Box 1295, Easthampton, MA 01027-1295; http://members.aol.com

Jsmartnews!smart ~2 00 1-conference. htm.

October 25-28, 2001

February 23-25, 2001 Online at 4ttp://www.tiac.net/usersllattellcfd /dancecmp.'cgi/ Winter Gender-Free Dance Camp Sponsored by the Lavendar Country &: Folk Dancers. Contra, English country, and international folk dancing, singing, games; Saturday night variety show and costume dance parry At Camp Becket YMCA Camp in the Berkshires.

Information&: registration: Bob Peterson 1-978597-5861: CampReg@ContraComer.cofll.

March 9-11, 2001 New York,. New York God, Sex &: Money Sponsored by ManKind Project. An experiential weekend for men with john Lee, jeffrey Duvall, and joe Laur. $300, including meals. At Source ·of Ufe Center. Information: (212) 22S-6885 .. (See Ad this issue).

Greenfield, Massachusetts In Our Bones: Waking the Masculine Archetypes Workshop led by joseph DiCenso

The Men's Resource Center is truly a community organization. We have grown to where we are now because hundreds 'of people have ' shared our msptration and commitment, and contributed their time, services, and money toward a vision of personal and social transformation . As our programs and services continue to grow in size and scope, we see that the size and scope of our community support also expand . We are filled with deep gratitude at the outpouring of support . We hope the following acknowledgments communicate a sense of being part of a growing community of support. Thank you.

March 23-25, 2001 Albuquerque, New Mexico Cultural and Spiritual Traditions: The Evolution of Mens Studies 9th Annual Conference of the American Mens Studies Association. At Holiday Inn Mountain View. Information: Sam Femiano, patsam@javanet.com; 22 East Street, Nonhampton, MA 01060.

March 9-11, 2000, New York City

january 16 and 23, 7:15-9:30 p.m.

Thank You!

March 14, 2001, 9:00 a.m.-4:00p.m.

Springfield, Massachusetts 19th Annual Regional Social Work Conference Sponsored by Western New England College. 6 Category I Credit Hours. $75. Information: (413) 782-1473.

New York, New York , Healing The Sexual Victimization of Boys and Men 9th International Conference of tlie National Organization of Male Sexual Victimization (NOMSV). An Affiliate Sponsor: Mens Resource Center. Workshops, seminars, and presentations.

For survivors, professionals, women, and others.

Scholarships available. Atjohnjay College of Criminal]ustice, The City University of New York. Information: 800-738-4181; nomsv@malesurvivor.org; NOMSV, 5505 Connecticut Ave. , NW -#103, Washington, DC 20015-2601; www.malesurvivor.org.

Please send calendar listings for the next issue with

events from March 1 to june 30, 200 l--and beyond for events calling for arrangements well in advance (registration, reservation, etc.). Please address listings· . to: Voice Male Calendar at mrc@vallinet.com, Fax (413) 253-4801 , or Men 's Resource Center, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002. The deadline for our receipt of listings is january 29, ;2001.

Office Volunteer Jim Decker Voice Male Volunteer Proofreader Bob Moore Computer Support Kirk Peterson Support Group Facilitators Alan Arnaboldi, Michael Baumgarten, Ken Bernstein, Michael Burke, Jim Devlin , Philip Fitz, Ken Howard , Gabor Lukacs, Alex MacPhail , Rick Martin, Bob Mazer, Jim Napolitan, Torn Schuyt, Sheldon Snodgrass, Gary Stone Donated Space .

Hampshire Community Action Commission, Northampton

' In-Kiiid Donations A very special thanks to Mark Bergeron of Bergeron Design for his generous donation of design and production services. Henion Bakery for their ongoing delicious contributions.

As always, we extend our gratitude to the MRC Board of Directors for the ongoing guidance and support they give to this organization· and all who are a part of it.

Voice Male

Coming Home in a New Way continued from page 19

One evening, I attended the premiere of the video Padrfsimo in a standing-room-only auditorium at the Center for the Arts. It is one of a series of videos on masculinity, fathering and violence directed by documentary filmmaker Alberto Becerril Montekio. The premiere featured a workshop for.fathers and a subsequent discussion with them and their partners organized by Salud y Genera, an NGO working in the city of jalapa, in the state of Veracruz. It was a wonderful celebration of nurturing fathering and a candid look at the obstacles that traditional masculinity imposes on healthy relationships between fathers and their children.

The next day I had a four-hour meeting with five men from CORIAC. It was a profound encounter. Pretty early on, it became clear to me that this is a sibling organization to the Mens Resource Center. In fact, besides the MRC of Northern New Mexico, I feel CORIAC is closer in philosophy and practice to our organization than any other I have known. They are strongly pro-feminist, malepositive and gay-affirmative. They really believe that the work starts on a personal level and that the men have to continue growing and looking at themselves as they work with other men. They approach the problems of traditional masculinity in a holistic way and don't compartmentalize the issue of domestic violence. They know that men can and do change and that they need compassion as well as confrontation (see sidebar on page 19 for

more about CORIAC).

Friday afternoon and all day Saturday, I attended a workshop on "Men and Masculinities" skillfully facilitated by CORIACs executive director, Eduardo Uendro. Three other men who had attended Thursday's meeting also participated. During our previous meeting we had gotten to know each others minds. At the workshop, we got to know each others hearts. I was grateful for the opportunity to get to know these and other men on a deeper level. This, of course, changed the nature of our relationship.

There was nothing new or striking for me abour the content of the workshop, although I enjoyed the emphasis on non-verbal exercises (including drawing, creating collages and moving/dancing). What was amazing to me, however, was that I was among my people, men like those I knew growing up. These men, young and old, poor and well-off, straight and gay, all opened up, bared their souls, and were willing to question the unfair stereotypes Imposed on us.

I felt blessed by this experience. lt made me feel at home in a new way. It helped me understand that all men are different and yet the same. It demonstrated dramatically to me that exCiting work 1s happening in many parts of the world. And, considering all the "coincidences." it reinforced the sense that someone. somewhere 1s looking after me.

What's your pleasure ~

~

BE iAIIIf

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Dloot

GAY, lESBIAN, BISEXUAl. AND STRAIGHT FRIENDlY 25 WEST STREET. NORTHAMPTON. MA 413-586-6900

Workshops & Trainings for your school, group or businesses Supporting Men • Ending Men's Violence • Building Healthy Relationships Fathering • Masculinity in Transition • Challenging Homophobia

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'"UFor fees, to schedule or for more information Contact: Carl Erikson (413) 253-9887 Ext. 13 • mrc@valinet.com

Winter2001---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 27

,.

THE CHILDREN'S .

1~RUST

FUND

"

5th Annual

Hampshire /Franklin Counties 路 Friendraiser Thursday, March 29, 2001 6:00 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.

The Inn at Northampton, One Atwood Drive, Northampton The evening will include silent & live auctions, dinner & awards.

As part of its Hampshire/Franklin counti~s F~ieJ:?.d.raiser, the Children's Trust Fund (CTF) recogruzes an outstandmg md1v1dual from each of the two counties who has demonstrated a commitment to supporting families and enhancing the lives of children.

CTF invites nominations for this honor. The individual could be, for example, a child a~vocate, home visitor,. physician, busines~ leader, . volunteer, or media professional from either county. Deadline for normnations is Jan. 12.

To receive a copy of the 2001 nomination packet, more information about the Event Planning Committee, or to add you_r name to the invitation mailing list, please contact Emily Webster at: The Children's Trust Fund 294 Washington-street, Suite 640, Boston, MA 02108 Phone: Toll Free in MA 888-775-4KIDS :xi310 Fax: 617-727-8997 ewebster@mctf.state.ma. us

Prin ted on Recycled Paper