Voice Male Winter 2003

THE MAGAZINE OF THE MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER OF WESTERN MASSACHUSElTS

INSIDE: •

Men of Color's Fragile Health

• Gay Men, Straight Women • Young Feminist to Boys: "It's About Respect!"

• The Tarnish on the Melting Pot

Beginning a National Conversation About Men and Peace

W

U.l

-'

<(

~ U.l

v

0

> l

Features Challenging Rape Culture . . .. . . .•. . ..... .. .. 8

By Robert jensen

By Rob Okun hen the current tenant of the White House signed the act establishing the ew Deparunent of Homeh!nd Security I did not find myself feeling particularly secure.

On the conrrary, I shuddered. The nuth Is, feelings of safety and security all of us want and deserve are very precarious right now. For·those of us who are male, thinking about safety and security has never been what we've dwelled on.

Most of us have always assumed we would be safe and secure. At least white men have. After all, isn't that what male privilege is all about?

What's put a chink in that seemingly invincible armor is our collective memory of September 11, 2001 . lerrorism as the great equalizer.

Out of that horrifying tragedy has come a thin ray of light, a narrow beacon of hope.

While the flock marauding at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue is still reacting, still kneejerking around, quietly a movement within the larger; revitalized peace movement is beginning to emerge. Call it Men of Heart, Another Father for Peace, Men Against War. Revive the eighties group, Brother Peace. It's not the names that matter. What does is more men choosing to express their feelings (of fear and insecurity, among a range of others) rather than stuffing them. Ever since male fire fighters and police officers, and male rescue workers and medica! . personnel, hugged and cried together before a worldwide audience at Ground Zero, a national conversation has begun about men and peace.

It may still be a quiet conversation, and it may not yet be taking place on every town green and downtown city plaza across the country, but its murmurs are becoming more distinct.

It would be naive to think that W and Dick, Colin and Don are engaged in the conversation.

They're not. They're still having the old one"Might equals right" and "Bomb 'em back into the Stone Age"-that warlords have always engaged in. It would also be naive not to acknowledge there is real danger out there and that plans to protect ourselves must be made and implemented. (But for our children's sake, those plans must include more voices than jUSt those at the Pentagon.) There is a simultaneous nuth at work here: Men have a tremendous stake in whether or not we fight another wan Fathers do. Sons do. Brothers, uncles, cousins-we all do .. While the armed foroes have begrudgingly accepted women into their formerly old boys' club, the vast majority of the soldiers bombing and battling in Baghdad will be male, most just barely past boyhood.

So what can those of us do who believe what the sign on a maple tree in my neighborhood says--"War Can't Make Peace"?

Actually start a group called Men of Hean, or Another Father for Peace, or Men Against War. Collect signatures for an ad in your local newspaper with text explaining why, a.S males, you are opposing war. Ask your clergy to invite you or someone you know to deliver a "men· are for peace" sermon. Get your local, state and federal legislators to go on record endorsing.a men-as-peacemakers point of view. Challenge them if they won't. The potential for amplifying the national conversation about men and peace

TABLE OF CONTENTS

is limited only by men's imaginations.

Our mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts and nieces have already weighed in. Two weeks before Thanksgiving, women from around the U.S. began a peace vigil in Lafayette Park across from the White House. It will continue without a break until International Women's Day on March 8, culminating in a massive women's peace march. Organizers say the vigil js an urgent call to prevent a war for oil against Iraq.

(For more information, go to www.unitedforpeace.org.) Men are invited to participate in the vigil and I'm sure a lot will.

But what about our own initiative? What are men going to do? Just as men have said it is our responsibility to prevent sexual assault and domestic vio.lence against women, we have an obligation to take a stand as men against war Imagine men-gathering as men-speaking out against war. Becoming a major force, for instance, lobbying to establish a Deparunent of Peace and creating a Peace Academy (ideas .that for years have been bandied about in Congress-see http://thomas.loc.gov and search on "HR2459"). Perhaps such effons c.ould begin as a way to honor the memory of a Washington figure who was pan of the national conversation about men and peace, the late Sen. Paul Wellstone. If men want to redefine their identity from war lords to princes of peace, now is the time.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*. •

In this issue, men taking initiative to stop violence is the subtext of RobenJensen's "Challenging Rape Culture" (page 8), while men's search for peace-inner peace, anywaycan be found in both managing editor Michael Burke's "Where Men Are Accepted" about the value of men's suppon groups (page 10) and David Rider's "Opening the Door: Men &: Depression," (page 14). Allan Arnaboldi and Martha Henry explore the prospects for expanding our connection in "Gay Men, Straight Women" (page 12). Our Fathering · column could be called "Parenting" this issue, as Joe Kelly and Nancy Gruver write about raising ·~ Feminist Family" (page 16). A younger feminist offers ideas about what young · wotnen want from young men in "Yo, Boys: It's About Respect!," Aviva Okun's Voices of Youth column (page 17). Tom Ziniti advocates for spousal rights in "Relationship to Deceased?

Partner!," Outlines (page 18). For Javed Kazi painful memories of coming to America are the grist for "The Tarnish on the Melting Pot," Color Unes (page 21), while Men&: Health offers a grim repon on "Men of Color's Fragile Health" (page 20). As always, we want to hear what you're thinking. Please write us-mrc@mensresourcecetuer.org or 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002.

To ayoor of peace for aU of us!

Where Men Are Accepted . .. . .. . ... . . .. . . .. 10

By Michael Burke Gay Men, Straight Women ............ . . ... 12

By Allan Arnaboldi and Martha Henry Opening the Doors: Men & Depression .

By David Rider

. .. 14 .15

Poetry .......

Columns & Opinion f rom the Editor . ..... . .. .. ... . .. ... . . .... 2 Director's Voice ... ........ . • . ........... .3 Mail Bonding ..... .. . . . . ... ....... .. . .. .. 4 Men@Work . . .. . . . fathering .... .. .. .

A feminist Family

By Nancy Gruver & joe Kelty

5

. ...... 16

Voices of Youth ........ . ...... . .. .. . .... 1 7 Yo, Boys: It's About Respect!

By Aviva Okun OutLines . . . . . . . . . . . . . ... . .. 18 Relationship to Deceased: Parmer!

By Thomas Ziniti GBQ Resources ... . ... . .... , • • • . . . . . .... 19 Men & Health . . . .

. . .......... 20

Men of Color's Fragile Health ColorLines ..

The Tarnish on the Melting Pot

By Javed Ka<i

. .... 21

MRC Programs and Services . .. .. .. ....... .. 23 Resources

... 24

Thank You

... 25

Calendar .... . . ... .. . . .. .. . . . ...... . ... 26

Privilege and Cl·ass

By Steven Botkin Administrative Staff

Executlvs Dlrsctor -Steven Botkin Assoclats Dlrsctor - Rob Okun Dlrsctor of OpBiatlons - Carl Erikson Osvs/opmsnt Coordinator - Spirit Joseph Men Overcoming Violence

0/rsctor- Russell Bradbury-Carlin Clinical Supsrvlsor - Sara Elinoff lntaics Coordinator/Court Liaison - Steve Trudel PartnBI Ssrv/css Coordinator- Jan Eidelson Franklin County Coordinator- Joy Kaubin Hampdsn County Coordinator- Scott Girard North Ouabbln Community Educator - Tom Sullivan ,Admlnlstratlvs Coordinator- Edgar Cancel Group Lsadsrs - James Arana, Eve Bogdanove, Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Karen Fogliatti, Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta, Gary Newcomb, Susan Omilian, Tom Sullivan, Steve Trudel Immigrant and Refugee Program

Dlrsctor- Juan Carlos Arean Youth Programs

Coordinator- Jeff Harris Group LsadBI- Edgar Cancel Voice Male Magazine Editor - Rob Okun Managing Editor- Michael Burke Ssnlor Editor - Steven Botkin DsslgnBI - Chandler & Co. Copy Editor - Michael Dover Support Programs

0/rsctor - Allan Arnaboldi Support Group Facilitators -Allan Arnaboldi, Mirj~ael Burke, Andy Dennison, Jim Devlin, Michael Dover. Carl Erikson, Jerry Garofalo,Tim Gordon, Ken Howard', Rk:k Kapler. Gabor Lukacs, Rick Mariin, Bob Mazer. Peter McAvoy; Jim Napolitan, Rob Parte/, Nelson Pinette, Roger Stawasz, Tom Schuyt, Chris Shanahan, • Sheldon Snodgrass, Bob Sternberg, John H. Thompson, Les Wright Board of Directors

Chair - Peter Jessop VIes Chair- Thom Herman C/Bik- Michael Dovef Trsasursr- Sudhakar Vamathevan Msmbers -Jenny Daniell, Nancy Girard, Tom Gardner.

Jack Hornor. Yoko Kato, ·Brenda L6pez, MathewOuellet Advisory Board

Michael Bardsley, Larry Beane, Dean Cycon, Bailey Jackson, Luis Melendez, Matthew Morse, Cheryl Rivera, Elizabeth Scheibel, Diane Troderman, Felice Yeske/ ' Editor's Note

Opinions expressed herein may not represent the views of all staff, board. or members of the MRC. We welcome letters, articles, news items, article ideas, and events of interest. We ·encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss. f>1anuscnpts will be returned and responded to if accompanied by a stamped return envelope. Send to Voice Male, 236 flo. Ple~sant St., Amherst, MA 01002; mrc@mensresourcecenter.org.

Advertising For rates and deadlines call Voice Male Advertising

a/413-253-9887, Ext. 20.

A

At the Men's

Resource Center we are learning about prtyilege: We began this journey trying to understand how male prtvilege works for men. Privilege, we are learning, has both benefits and costs. The joumey ·has also taken us into the labyrtnth of heterosexual privilege and the caverns of wt¥te privilege. We are . learning that prtvilege .can be a protection from deeply held fears and insecurities. And we are learning that when wt; have it, privilege can be invisible to us , buried. under our isolation and our assumptions about what is "porm~l. " We are j~lso discoV,ering how we judge and limit ourselves based on ~ocial prejudices and . stereotypes, and how 1the history of Sy.?tem~tic · discrimination continues.to weigh us. cloWn and make us feel .unseen. for those of .u s who have been targeted by prej,udice .and · , discrimination, t~ often invisible' "internalized oppression" is the complement to prtvilege, keeping Lis isolated and silent in our hopelessness about change.

As we take this journey together Wii: , frequently encounter feelings of hurt, fear,. · anger, and shame. ?orne of these are feeliRgs about our painful histories with prtvilege and oppression. Some are about how these patterns continue to persist in our lives and at the MRC. Often these feelings are all mixed up together; often they trtgger similar feelings in others. Our most important insights emerge . from our ability and willingness to simply listen with compassion ancl ·to have the desire to understand.

Our falhetreat for the MRC board •a nd staff was another important step on this journey.

We spen,t the day, with .expert facilitation .from felice Yeske! and jenny Latld bf Class Action, exploring the impact of socioeconomie class and classism on our lives, our'work ·. 1 • ' • relationships, and our organizational 'piiorttie5.'

The honesty, vulnerability, commidn'ent ' and diversity. of this group were, ohce again, ' very obvious. As we listened to each o ther's stories about our childhoods, another dimension of our legacies of prtvilege and internalized 'oppression became visible. We saw how profoundly our family's ' socioeconomic status continues to influence our present-day values, assumptions, and prtortties. As we 'examined· the programs and resources that we do and don't offer at the MRC, the financial accessibility of our programs and events, our staff salary and benefits structure, and our fundraising strategies, we saw how these values, assumptions, and priortties significantly influence every aspect of the organization.

This led us to ask ourselves many challenging questions. As a Men's Resource Center whose mission includes "supporting men, " what resources and support do we offer men who are poor and working class? How , can we make our programs and activities financially accessible· as well as financially sustainable? What is fair compensation for

work being done for the MRC? How do we differentiate volunteer work from paid work? , How do we develop.fundraising strategies that, do not prtorttize people with wealth to the , exclusion of other constiruencies? Whose voices are included (or not) in our decisionmaking about any of these questions?

We also realized how masculinity and classism are deeply interconnected. Men are trained to find self-worth and self-esteem · alrriost exclusively in their ability to fulfill the breadwinner/ provider role. What you do ancl what you have are seen as the most important reflections of who you are and how good, hardworking, and productive you ~re . Size (of paycheck, house, and car) matters. At the , same .time, most men work in dehumanizing environments designed to ge~ the most production for the least cost. T~ed to approach life as a competition for limited res0urces, many males are socialized to accept this circumstance as the sacrtfice neces_sary,to fulfill the provider role.

Clearly these issues are vital to the •MRC mission. From the.start we have been I committed to creating an organization that through its programs, srrucrure, and culrure would challenge the inequalities in social classes. We knew ev.en back then •we were - ' taking on a large, long-term proje.ct. In many · ways we are just beginning to understand the true scope of rhis· mission. , · As we travel orr this journey we are clearly < en route to becoming a multiculrural '· organization. Throughout our programs and at staff and b0ard meetings we are having discussions about prtvilege and internalized oppression. We arii: creating the opportunities, permission, mid safety to listen to what has not been heard, see what has not been seen, and accept feelings that have not been und,ersfood. As 1we support'and challenge each othdfn the.Se-ways, we ream we can travel thl5 journey tog'ethedt's our hope that this effort cari~s'erve someday as a model for a new society. ·

~

z

-i m

"' IV 0 0

w

3

work. Maybe it's even worse at work, because we spend so much of our lives there, in an atmosphere of intrigue, bullying, and competition.

BiU Schauman Silver Spring, Md.

Women in Black, Men and Peace

Voice Male and MRC Come to Texas The bundle of Voice Male magazines anived just in time for the sexual assault and domestic violence conference here. The magazine.was a big hit with the male participants of the conference. What a great experience. I met a wonderful individual from Nicaragua who is co-founder of the Association of Men Against Domestic Violence there. He has written a book in Spanish on the work that they are doing with men entided Against the Stream . The idea of establishing a Men's Resource Center in our, 路 area was well received. I hope to really stress the idea of establishing an MR,C. Emiliano Diaz de Leon Harlingen, Tex.

Violence and Homophobia Related?

I recently read several back issues of Voice Male on the plane coming back from Amherst.

I was impressed by the generally high quality of the writing, for example Michael Dover's article "Fighting Words: Beware of Soundl::lite Thinking" (Spring 2002). Lots of sruff about sexuality and inclusiveness for gay men. Is there a connection between violence and homophobia 0 must be macho because I can dominate my wife)? I would like to see some discussion of workplace issues, like abusive bosses and difficult subordinates. The same macho bullshit that kills us at home kills us at

In reading Voice Male I am pleased there is interest in discussing issues of war and peace.

We need more forums devoted to this crucial topic. Perhaps the experiences of a group I belong to, Women in Black, might add to this dialogue, for men as well as women. The first Women in Black group began in jerusalem in 1988 after the first Palestinian intifada, when several Israeli women dressed in black and went toil major intersection in the city and held signs in the shape of a hand that said, "Stop the Occupation." More groups of women in Israel followed suit. Tpe practice spread very quickly and spontaneously to other count;ries. Groups of women in black in Italy, japan, India, the United States, Canada, Australia, Bosnia, and elsewhere have used this method to draw 路 attention to issues of economic justict;, violence against women, and war, another form of violence, in their communities. Several groups meet in western Massachusetts; ours holds vigils on Fridays in the center of Anlherst from 12 to 1 p.m. We hold signs reading, "No More \Mlr," "End the Israeli Qccupauon," "Stop Violence Against Wom.en," "Feed the Children," "No \Mlr in Iraq," etc. We hand out a different informational sheet each week, a . column or an article that seems appropriate.

Men's responses to our presenc~ seem to fall into one of four categories. There are those who give us a signal that they suppon our stands the driver of a semi who pulls on his hom and gives the "V" (peace) sign out his windo~. The man who comes by and says, "Good for you."

But these responses are in inverse proportion to women's. A second category iS the young men, three or four to a ca~ who roll down a window, imd yell, "Nuke 'em" or "Bomb 'em." Another group are the men who walk by in silence, but _ with rather derisive grins on their faces that

THE MEN'S RESOURCE. (ENTER '

Congratulates

Jack H.ornor Men's Resource Center Board Member

Philanthropist of the Year For Hampshire County Massachusetts Selected By the Association of Fundraising Professionals

Way to Go, jack!

seem to say, "Oh, you silly women. What do you know about anything?" The founh are those men who stop to ,have a word or two in order to set us straight. Their remarks indicate that they cannot think "outside the box." Theil argument is that Saddam~is-a-bad-guy-so-we颅 need-to-take-him-out. They are resistant to hearing how we think the problem with Iraq should be handled. Perhaps other Voice Male readers would care to add their comments so that we can develop a better understanding of one another across the gender diyide.

Mary Wentworth Amherst, Mass.

Internal Mediation - Life Beyond Therapy

u.J

-'

<(

~ u.J

v

~ 4

"Internal Mediation" is based on "The Work of Byron Katie" and Thorn Herman is a certified Practitioner of the Work. Internal Mediation is a simple and radical process tl1at fundamentally alters our relationship to our thoughts.

Thorn can be invited to present Internal Mediation to groups in a workshop setting. When invited Thorn works by donation. He also works wiUl clients individually through his psychotherapy practice in Northampton and Greenfield, MA. For more informotion check out Thorn's web site at:

·~tair Gamble, 24, got the heave-hci in Army's "Terror" of Gays August," according to Lopez .. who said the Homophobia's hold on institutions in this translator was inspired to enlist after . . country apparendy has carried over to the war · inteiTLShips at two Navy sites, includmg one m on terror. A gay veteran who "proudly served . an intelligence unit. not one, but two tours of duty in Vietnam," "He studied Latin and German while wrote the San Francisco Chronicle's letters page earning a college degree, and the Army put him recendy to express his outrage at the U.S. . · on track for the Defense Language Insutute m Army's anti-gay sentiment. In a letter published Monterey," Lopez reponed. "ln basic training, in the newspaper in mid-November, San Gamble says, he qualified as marksm<tn on the Franciscan Paul BarWick, who served in M-16. At the language irtstitute in Monterey, Vietnam from I966 to 1968, wrote, "I am he got a letter of commendation." diSgusted that the Army I served in. finds gay "September 11 certajnly made me more soldiers more of a threat to this nauon than It committed to the military. At least, I became does al Qaeda. While our government more committed to learning the language," scrambles to find Arabic speakers and says Gamble. "I remember listening to some translators, and bemoans their scarcity, they taped interviews of Osama bm Laden m class have the gall to discharge more than 10 right after the attacks and ptcking up words percent of this year's Arabic language students . and phrases, t,:ven at that early stage in the at the Defense Language Institute in Monterey COUrSe." because of their sexual orientation. ls the need But last spring, in the middle of the night, to perpetuate an irrational discrimination he got a visit that would end his mili~ry .career. against our own citizens really greater than the, Gamble had been seeing another soldier m the need to--protect this country from Its enerrues? language school, and because Roben Hicks was Apparendy the Army believes It LS. Nme about to graduate and move on, they risked a soldiers who attended a training center m night together in Gamble's room.

Monterey, Calif. , including at least six who '~t 3:30·a.m., we both woke to the fire speak Arabic, were discharged by the Arrny-:alarm in my building," Gamble says, "an~ a not because they were suspected of being sptes knocking •at the door announcing a .surpnse or terrorist collaborators, but because they 'health and welfare' irtspection." Gamble threatened to undermine military unity and bought some time while Hicks oied to climb national secmity nonetheless. How? They're out the window, but a sergeant was wamng gay. . . outside.

The nine were dismtssed over several "Get these 'inspectors' to Baghdad months. At a time when the U.S . claims to immediately. Saddam won't stand a chance," need as many skilled people as possible .

Lopez wrote about the incident. . woFking on the war on terror, "is this any arne Incredibly, while awaiting his dtscharge, to worry <tbout the sexual orientation of Gamble says, the Army took note of his someone who might help save lives?" asked . command of Arabic and assigned him to work Steve Lopez in a column in the Los Angeles as a substitute teacher in the program from Times before Thanksgiving. which he'd just been dismissed.

Despite speaking pretty good Arabic, Go, Army.

Bank: Good Dads Are "Losers" What is the 'real agenda behind an American merchant bank's "generous" paternity-leave program? A com pan~ exe~utive admitted i.~ was ?.ctually intended to weed out the losers. ln other words, male employees who use paternity leave-who see value, and even necessity, in spending arne wtth thetr newborn children- have essentially branded themselves as not sufficiendy committed to the company.

They may be fired or not protnC'Jted, and thus are penalized for trying to be good dads. Other executives say that while it's considered OK for mothers to take parental leave, it can be "the kiss of death" for a father.

This is just one of the dtsturbing findings in a hew report from The Work Founcjation called Dad's Army: The Case for Father-Fri~ Workplaces by Ric):Jard Reeves. The Work Foundation is a London-based orgaruzauon whose purpose is to improve working life through research, consulting, and advocacy.

To read the repon and get more news from the front lines of parenting and work life, go to www. theworkfoundation.com/index.jsp.

Men Stopping Violence · Against Women on Campus What kinds of activities and· programs are effective on college and pniversity campuses to bring men together to work o~ prevenung violence against women? That s the quesuon a growing number of college men and thetr allies are asking as they design creauve programs to challenge the masculine culture of viOlence._ From the University of Massachusetts m Vmce Male's hometown of Amherst, to Western Woishington State University in Bellingham, e!Ions are under way to develop men's

l

To :~mm how tO Qf!l lovot\'00 In endln;~ et>u&e. please contact the

LU

-'

<(

~ LU

v

0

> 6

leadership in challenging violence against women. Many programs are operating with funding from the federal Violence Against WotnenAct. Tufts University outside of Boston and Western \\ashington were two of four schools (along with the University of Alabama and Northern Iowa State) which received technical assistance support last school year to develop programs. Consultants included Men Overcoming Violence in San Francisco, colleagues of Voice Male's parent organization, the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts.

Collaborations among staff and!or student teams including women's centers, campus police, alcohol/health education, culture centers, health services, and deans are pan of the larger Violence' Against Women grant.

Annual institutes bring panners from around the country to gatherings where participants share what they are doing.

The men against violence student group at Western 'Mlshington University in Bellingham can be exp1ored,on the Web at: www.ac.wwu.edu/-wmav/.

Their page of links includes Tufts Men Against Violence along with several other campus-based projects . .

In Massachusetts, the Men's Initiative for Jane Doe, Inc. (MUD), a project designed to bring men from all walks of life together to ch?llenge violence against women, has been reaching out to college anti-violence programs for ideas and recruits. '1\ fuir amount of work has been taking place on campuses like Tufts, UMass-Arnherst, and Bridgewater State," according to MUD coordinator Craig Norberg~ Bohm. "It would be great if there were a model MUO co~ld help promote to other campuses. I have a feeling that there would be much interest among college men." To learn more about MUD, contact them at: Jane Doe, Inc., 14 Beacon Street, Suite 507, Boston, MA 02108; 617-557-1802 www.janedoe.org.,

Supporting Men in Greenfield .The Men's Resource Center h~ added another free, weekly drop-in support gro,up, this one in Greenfield, Massachusetts. "We're excited to be starring another group," said Allan Arnaboldi, director of MRC Support Programs. ':Adding Greenfield-to the list of groups we currently offer enlarges the possibility that more men can have a place to come to share what's happening in their lives."

The new group will begin meeting in January on Wednesday evenings from 7 to 9 p.m. at Network ChiroprJctic, 21 Mohawk Trail Clower Main Street) in Greenfield.

Following the same format as the existing support groups in Amherst and Northampton, . trained volunteer facilitators will provide opportunities for men to talk about their lives and get support around ongoing concerns. For more information about the new group or other MRC support services, call tJ?e MRC at (413) 253-9887.

Psychology .

Yesterday?

Is Psychology Today magazine . homophobic? That's the question being asked after the popular publication was challenged for accepting advertising from an anti-gay . publishing house, InterVarsity Press. Their ad in the December issue promotes the book A

Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality.

Among those taking the magazine to task is Douglas Arey, ·a licensed social worker with off).ces in Northampton and Greenfield, Massachusetts. Arey told Voice Male he , reminded Psychology Today that "the psychological community has not considered homosexuality to be a problem in need of 'prevention' for close to 25 years. What it has considered a serious problem, however, has been the fear and lack of social acceptance of homosexuality, a disease called 'homophobia.'

Clearly the authors of the book suffer from this

dis ease."

What, Ar_ey wonders, was Psychology Today thinking when it decided·to help promote sud "socially and psychologically frresponsible literature? Did [they] corisider what harm it might be doing to gay and lesbian readers by promoting a book claiming to help 'prevent' their very existence? Or that implied that their homosexuality was an illness?"

No response had been received from Psychology Today when Voice Male went to press The magazine is expected to be monitored from now on to see if they accept future advertisements from anti-gay orgaruzations like NARTH (the National Association of Research and Therapy of Homosexuality), whose ·founders wrote A Parent 's Guide, or from other anti-gay publishing houses like ImerVarsity Press. As Arey noted, such acceptance "calls into question a seemingly new anti-scientific and anti-psychological, pro-conservative political direction" Psychology Today seems to be taking. Meanwhile, the suggestion has been made that if the ad does signal a new direction for the magazine, it might consider changing it! name to Psychology Yesterday.

Masculinity Online The Men's Bibliography, a comprehensive online bibliography of.wrtting on men, masculinities, and sexualities has a new web address: l).ttp://www.xyonline.ner/mensbiblio/, according to its founder, Australian Dr Michael Flood.

Not long ago the bibliography added 1,300 new references to the previous 12,500' references, including a number of excellent "masculinity" texts that were published in the last year, Flood said. Addiqonally, a wide range of other articles and books have been added to the lists. .Flood also maintains the website XYonline, which includes more than 80 articles on men, masculinities, and sexualities. You- can nnd it at http://www.xyonline.net.

•

New Leaders for.MRC Board

Peter Jessop, president of Integrity Development and Construction in Amherst, Mass., has taken up his new post as MRC board chair, succeeding Michael Dover, who stepped down after serving in that role for four years.,Thom Herman, a Northampton, Mass., psychotherapist, continues as vice chair of the board, and Sudhakar Vamathevan, chief financial officer of FOR Community Services in Chicopee, Mass._, has stepped inro the treasurer's job -vacated by Jessop: Dover has assumed the post of board clerk "Peter brings a business owner's perspective to the issues we face as a growing organization," said Dover "but he also has brought a lifetime of conscientious support of social justice and, in particular, of men's issues."

Vamathevan joined the board two years ago, and has been an invaluable member of the MRC's finance committee, according to executive di.i-ector Steven Botkin. "Sudhakar provides an outside professional's eye on our financial man<Jgement efforts, which is . especially helpful in these difficult economic . times," said Botkin. "He and Peter have helped us make some hard decisions that make sure the MRC continues on a sound financial footing."

MRC board officers serve terms of two years.

researchers on family violence and on the impact of violence on child witnesses. And she Sheila Wellstone was not just a "political wife." worked to get their research translated into She was, among other things, a crusader federal programs. One of these was the Family against domestic violence, an advocate for Violence Option waiver to the Welfare Reform battered women and their children, and an Bill, which is now used by 39 states and Guam activist on behalf of gun safery. in dealing with victims of domestic violence.

The deaths in a plane crash on October 26 The states can now waive federal rules of Minnesota senator Paul Wellstone, his wife regarding required work, time limits, and childSheila !son Wellstone, and their daughter suppon cooperation.

Marcia Markuson, three campaign workers and "It gives these women time to the two pilots have work on a safery plan--Dn not only changed the putting her life and the lives of national political her children back togetherlandscape, but without funher risk of abuse," deprived welfare Wellstone said of the legislation in mothers, battered 2001. At that time Senator women and their Wellstone had also introduced the children, and other Children Who Witness Domestic victims of violence of Vtolence Protection Act, which one of their most would help finance schools to passionate and The late Sen. Paul Wei/stone and Sheila Wei/stone work with children who were skilled advocates. witnesses to domestic violence, as well as Sheila Wellstone dropped out of college to strengthen resources for child-protection put her husband through graduate school and, workers, domestic violence advocates, and after he became a Carleton College professor, police responders. That legislation is still worked as a librarian and raised their three pending in Congress. children. When Paul Wellstone won his upset Sheila and Paul Wellstone were bid for the Senate in 1990, Sheila was already a instrumental in getting gun-safery language into committed spokesperson on many issues, and the 1994 Violent Crime Control and Law had won national recognition for her work on Enforcement Act, banning gun sales to domestic violence. individuals who are under police restraining ln Minnesota, she worked to increase the orders in domestic violence cases. Federal number of battered women's shelters, and prosecutors used the law in late October to went herself to the opening of every new one. bring the initial charges against the alleged Through her advocacy, Minnesota put in place Washington sniper John Allen Muhammad, a first-in-the-nation emergency one-stop call whose ex-wife had told police she feared for her center for battered women to get help, a place life and had gotten a restraining order against to stay, and suppon. him. (He obtained a gun anyway.) ln Washington; Sheila Wellstone worked Uke her husband, Sheila Wellstone will be closely not only with women involved in sexual sorely missed, but it's another reminder that assault and domestic violence, but also with while women may take the lead, men must

Sheila Wellstone's legacy

take a stand-speak out, educate themselves, and work against domestic violence and spousal abuse.

For more information, visit these websites: www.stanribune.com/stories/1752/; www.senate.gov/ -wellstone/; www.tubmanfamilyalliance.org/; womensenews.org.

Men's Resource Center Staff Cited locally, Nationally The Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program's intake coordinator Steve Trudel was named recipient of the 2002 Hampshire Counry (Mass.) Council of Social Agencies Recognition Award for distinguished service.

Trudel, who leads several weekly Men Overcoming Violence groups, and works as a liaison in the couns, was cited for his skillful approach to working with men. "Steve embodies our vision of "supponing men and challenging violence," Russell Bradbury-Carlin, MOVE director said. "We're fonunate to have him working in same many areas of the program. 路 Meanwhile, Oprah fans got to watch a show in September called "Be a Man," featuring a shon segment that included the MOVE program's Scott Girard telling his moving story of growth. (Anti-violence educator Jackson Katz was a primary guest.) "From appearances on 48 Hours to Oprah, and from Japan and Sweden to New Mexico and Nonhampton, it's been heanening to see the recognition the MRC's work is getting," executive director Steven Botkin said. "Our staff, board and volunteers are key to the growth of the 路 organization. We're looking forward to funher growth as we mark our 20th anniversary all this year."

Februarv 9th, 1:00pm Bowker Auditorium, UMass Amherst

The gender-bending KINSEY SICKS have been called "gut-wrenchingly funny" (The Advocate) and have been praised for their "voices sweet as birdsong" (New York Times). They have been profiled on national television, including on 20/20 and "CBS Early Show with Bryant Gumbel," and were the subjects of a lengthy cover feature in the arts section of the New York Times. Now, this hilarious a cappella quartet is back on the road, serving up a feast of music and comedy.

Tickets Available in Januarv at the .Fine Arts Center Box omce 545-2511 For more info cal1545-4824 路

~

z

-i

m

:;::1

tv

0 0

w

Sponsored by LBGT Graduate Student Organization, The Stonewall Center, The Pride

7

Challenging Rape Culture

By Robert Jensen t is not surprising that we want to separate ourselves from those who commit hideous crimes, to believe that the abominable things some people do are the result of something evil inside them.

But most of us also struggle with a gnawing feeling that however pathological those brutal criminals are, they are of us-pan of our world, shaped by our culture.

Such is the case of Richard Marc Evonitz, a "sexually sadistic psychopath," in the words of one expen, who abducted, raped, and killed girls in Virginia and elsewhere. What are the characteristics of a sexually sadistic psychopath? According to a former FBI profiler who has studied serial killers: 'i\ psychopath has no ability to feel remorse for their crimes.

They tend to justify what they do as being OK for them. They have no appreciation for the humanity of their victims. They treat them like objects, not human beings."

Such a person is, without question, cruel and inhuman. But aspects of that description fit not only sexually sadistic psychopaths; slightly modified, it also describes much "normal" sex in our culture.

Look at mass-marketed pornography, with estimated sales of $10 billion a year in the United States; consumed primarily by men: It routinely depicts women as sexual objects whose sole function is to seX\lally satisfy men and whose own welfare is irrelevant as long as men are satisfied.

Consider the $52-billion-a-year worldwide prostitution business: Though illegal in the United States (except in Nevada), that industry is grounded in the presumed right o£ men to gain sexual satisfaction with no concern for the physical and emotional costs to women and children. ·

I

Or, simply listen to what heterosexual women so often say about their male sexual partners: He on!Y seems interested in his own pleasure. He isn't emotionally engaged with me as a person. He treats me like an object.

To point all this out is not to argue that all men are brutish animals or sexually sadistic psychopaths. Instead, these observations alen us to how sexual

predators are not mere aberrations in an otherwise healthy sexual culture.

In the contemporary United States, men generally are trained in a variety of ways to view sex as the acquisition of pleasure by the taking of women. Sex is a sphere in which men are trained to see themselves as naturally , dominant and women as naturally passive.

Women are objectified and women's sexuality

.'

Why Is Rape a Men;s Issue?

is turned into a commodity that can be bought and sold. Sex becomes sexy because men are dominant and women are subordinate.

Again, the argument is not that all men believe this or act this way, but that such ideas are prevalent in the culture, transmitted from adult men to boys through direct instruction and modeling, by peer pressure among boys, and in mass media. They were the lessons I learned growing up in the 1960s and '70s, and if anything such messages are more common and intense today.

The predictable result of this state of affairs

Because Men Rape. Ninety-nine percent of all reponed rapists are men. (U.S. Depanment of]ustice)

a

Because Men Experience Rape. One out of seven men will be sexually assaulted during their lifetime. (National Coalition Agairist Sexual Assault) Because Rape·Hurts All of Us. In a world where three out of four sexual assaults are acquaintance rapes, it's hard for womeh.to !:JUSt mew w In a world_~here dominance and sexual predation are celebrated as positive masculinity, it's hard for men to be.themselves.

w _,

<(

~ w

Bec;ause Men Know Survivon. Chances are good that you already know survivors of rape.

If someone you care about discloses rape to you, you need to know how to help.

Because Men Are the Ones Who Will End Rape. The women's movement has been working against rape for many year;;. and off~rs

experience and skilled leadership. But men's violence against women will only end when men take responsibilio/ for c~~ging the <if!lons and attitudes that make it 'possible. · •· ,,., "t.. ·

v

6

> 8

···

"-'~

Take Action!.

,,·

/

is a culture in which sexualized violence, sexual violence, and violence-by-sex are so ·common that they should be considered normal. Not normal in the sense of healthy or preferred, but an expression of the sexual norms of the culture, not violations of those norms. Rape is illegal, but the sexual ethic that underlies rape is woven into the fabric of the culture.

None of these observations excuse or justify sexual abuse. Although some have argued that men are naturally sexually aggressive, feminists have long held that such behaviors are learned, which is why we need to focus not only on the individual pathologies of those who cross the legal line and abuse, rape, and kill, but on the entire culture.

Those who find this analysis outrageous should consider the results of a study of sexual assault on U.S. college campuses. Researchers found that 4 7 percent of the men who had . raped said they expected to engage in a similar assault in the future, and 88 percent of men who reponed an assault that met the legal definition of rape were adamant that they had not raped. That suggests a culture in which many men cannot see forced sex as rape, and many have no moral qualms about engaging in such sexual activity on a regular basis.

The language men use to describe sex, especially when they are outside the company of women, is revealing. In locker roorns one rarely hears men asking about the quality of their emotional and intimate experiences.

Instead, the questions are: "Did you get any last night7" "Did you score?" "Did you £- her?" Men's discussions abm.it sex often use the language of power: control, domination, the taking of pleasure. \Vhen I was a teenager, I remember boys joking that an effective sexual strategy would be to drive a date to a remote area, rum off the car engine, and say, "OK, f.- - or fight. " I would not be surprised to hear that boys are still regaling each other with that 'joke."

So, yes, violent sexual predators are monsters, but not monsters from another planet. \Vhat we learn from their cases depends on how willing we are to look not only into the face of men such as Evonirz, but also to look into the mirror, honestly, and examine the ways we are not only different but, to some degree, the same.

Such self-reflection, individually and collectively, does not lead to the conclusion that all men are sexual predators or that nothing can be done about it. Instead, it should lead us to think about how to resist and change the system in which we live. This feminist critique is crucial not only to the liberation of women but for the humanity of men, which is so often deformed by patriarchy.

Solutions lie not in the conservatives' call for returning to some illusory "golden age" of sexual morality, a system that was also built on the subordination of women. The task is to incorporate the insights of feminism into a new sexual ethic that does not impose traditional, restrictive sexual norms on people

10 Things-Men Can Do to Stop Ra_ pe

-~

Know that language is powerful. Words that dehumanize women, frequently in a sexualized way, are common. \Vhen we describe someone as an object meant to be acted upon, then discarded, it gets easier to treat her that way. Use humane and respectful language. Challenge the people around you to do the same.

Communicate about sex. We have a cultural myth that "good sex should be intuitive," but the reality is that it is based on communication. Consent can neverbe assumed. We also have cultural pressures for men to "score," and myths that women really want to be forced.

Coercion and force are illegal. Get comfonable talking with, and listening to, your paitner "No" means no. ··

Speak out. You may or may not ever have the opponunity ~o prevent a·rape ~ progress.

However, you will have many, many opponunities to challenge the attitudes and behaviors. that are pan of the larg~r rape culture. \Vh.en you see harassment, intervene. When you hear jokes about violence against women, don't laugh, and explain why it's not funny.. Write. letters to magazines that promote images of women as dehu manized sex objects. Suppon laws that protect women from violence and help them successfully prosecute their abusers.

Silence = Complicity.

Mo~ than million women are raped in America each year. in three women will be st;XUaliy . assaulted, 40 percent before the age of 18. Chances are, you already have survivors of rape in your life. Learn how to be supportive, know your local rape crisis centef where they can get re.Sources and help, and get suppon yourself. ' '··

i:

Support survivors, listen to the women !n your life, and b'lieve them.

One

Cl r

,

Give your time. Volunteer for organizations working to end violence against women. , Get funher training on how to be an effective ally. Know that most rape crisis centers and community organizations are funded exclusively through .grantS and do~tions . Suppon • ;'' • , their work in whatever ways you can.

Talk with women. Find out what it feels like to live with the threat 'of rape eyery day. find out how they like to be supponed. Ask what they would like yo~ to do to challeng~ ,rape.

Really listen .

Talk with men. Find,out how rape has impacted their lives. Find out how much men. lose by being seen a:s potential rapists. Find out what other men have to say a:bqut how tot . change that reality. Find out how to suppon male survivors of rnpe o.and ,sexual abuse. R,eally · · listen. ·l

Organize. Create a men's movement against male violence against women:· stan ·a:·dialogue t group to examine cultural attitudes about rape,.stan a men's anti-rape group.~ bring workshops and trainings into your school or workplace. Check in with your local men's center or women's center for resources and suppon. , ,. ; • Work against all forms of oppression. Violence against women! sexism, racism, '"''' 1 . t•·• heterosexism, and homophobia ... all forms of oppression are linked. We cannot'end·one' without challenging them all. Challenge yourself to grow every day, and kn'bw that every prejudice we hold injures others and limits .our experience. ;. ·;t . i· •• , · • J, n Create a new 'masculinity. Be brave enough to openly valu~ ecfGruro/,\Jseyour strbgth ,) and privilege in the service of justice. live your potential without harming others: CeJebrate ,·A the constructioN of a new masculinity that dqes not depend Ofl th~- dehumanization of :; others. Find others who share your vision. You 'are not alone. · -Courtesy of the Everywoman's Center, UMass Amherst, (413) 545-08$; 24-hour hotline (413) 545-0800 or 1-888-337-0800. ·

but helps creates a world based on equality, not dominance, in which men's pleasure does not require women's subordination.

Robert jensen is a professor ofjournalism at the University of Texas at Austin and coauthor of Pornography: The Production and Consumption of Inequality. He can be reached at Jjensen@uts.cc.utexas.edu. A version of this article appeared in The Free Lance-Star (Fredericksburg, Va.), last September.

Men Can Stop Rape

This Washington, D.C.-based organization provides a range of programs and services to prevent sexual assault and el'(lpower men and young . men to lead safe and violence-free lives.

P.O. Box 57144 Washington, DC 20037 Tel (202) 265.6530 Fax (202) 265.4362 E-mail: info@mencanstoprape.org www.mencanstoprape.org

~ z

--l m ;;::l

IV

0 0

w

9

Men's Support Groups

A Place Where Men Are Accepte

By Michael Burke

I

t's like a living room, or a den: comfortable sofas, chairs you sink into gratefully, artwork on the walls, even a fireplace (nonworking). The only way you'd know it's the 'group room in a men's center are the signs you see as you come in that say "Men's Resource Center" and "Men's Group Tonight." This is where it happens : the MRC's drop-in support groups for men.

and enter. No doubt some never made it.

Before my ftrst time, I actually waited for a bus to take me downtown, then bailed at the last minute. When I did finally get to the group, I could hardly speak the first night. "W!s it really OK to be honest, to say what I feel? Would they think I was "bad" or crazy if I told them who I really was?

It was OK, and they didn't. In fact what l most remember from those first few groups were the men who sat there nodding as I spoke, looking

depression say the only thing they managed do that day was get to the group--a place where they knew they wouldn't be judged or shamed, where they'd be heard. Men who have very busy lives often have difficulty extricating themselves from the demands and needs of children, partners, and bosses-but still they come, because they say the group is the only place where they can talk honesdy with other men about what's going on in lives with safety, knowing that whatever reveal will be kept confidential, that no adverse consequences at the office or back home. And they also know they need to do this: something that's just for themselves.

There's a box of tissues-riotjust fo r those suffering from seasonal colds or allergies, but for men who need to cry.

I've seen men cry in this room-l've cried in this room-and I've seen other men hold them, support them, cry with them. I've felt the sadness in this room as men became suddenly silent with a shared sense of pain; and I've seen them just as quickly erupt in laughter, as someone leavened the moment with humor. Men are notorious for warding off "uncomfonable" emotions with jokes; but in this room, at least, laughter coexists naturally with tears: acknowledgment of our humanity, and a defense against its sorrows.

u..

<!

~ u. \,.

c

_,

u..J

<(

~ u..J

v

> >0 8 10

The adverrising says ':All Men Are Welcome." We ought to put that on a huge sign. Facilitators of the groups emphasize it when the evening stans, reminding participants of our four ground rules: 1) The group is confidential; 2) it's nonviolent and doesn't condone violence; 3) it's nonjudgmental, not therapy, and not about "problem solving"; and 4) all men are welcome. We try to make it a place where men feel invited to come in and be themselves and get support.

Nonetheless, it can be hard for men to get here. Men have told us that they sat in the window of the coffee shop across the street on meeting nights, looking over with longing and fear. Some sat there several weeks in a row before getting up the courage to cross that Rubicon-North Pleasant Street in Amherst-

me in the eye and smiling their understanding. Especially the men who were some years older- whatever I might say, they'd been through it and lived to tell the tale. They had survived , and so would I. I wasn't crazy, I wasn't bad- and I wasn't alone anymore. I remember coming out of a group one frigid February night when I had to walk some distance to my car. Where before l' d trudged head down through ice and snow and cold, now I seemed on fire from within, floating across the parking lot, my breath visible in the air like a shout of exultation sent up to the sky.

For some men, it's not getting to the group that's hard. The support group, whatever night they go, has become essential to them, a weekly ritual. I've heard men batt4ng

Some men come nearly every week.

They're the "regulars": they know each other's stories from months of sitting and sharing.

They check up on each other with questions: "How'd the job interview go?" "Did you find an apartment yet7" One of the guys came up to me after a group I'd facilitated and very sincerely said he thought I was a really good person and he hoped I'd be feeling better

soon. l was puzzled-I hadn't been sickuntil ! remembered that in my check-in l shared that I'd been feeling depressed lately. l' d left it at that, since l was facilitating the group and there were much more urgent issues and situations in the room to deal with that night. But it touched me that this man heard me, remembered, and took the time to reach out.

Sometimes there is conflict. Once a man came in and apologized to each of the men ·who'd been at the group the previous week.

He'd been hard on them, judgmental and critical-and he 'd been called on it-but after talking it over with a friend he realized he'd been wrong. He was truly sony, and the men accepted his apology. As he tried to explain what might have prompted him to lash out, they began to move from feeling wary and distrustful to wondering how they could support him.

We've asked participants what they were looking for in the group and what they get out of it. One said he wanted a place where he could "speak and listen from the heart."

Another told us that since attending, 'Tm more grounded, forthright. Less anxious and caught up in excessive inwardness. Sitting in a circle is one of the most soulful and important things l do." Another said, "''ve gotten connection, support for being human, a clearer sense of self. "

I've heard women say they wished the men in their lives would go to these kinds of support groups, but fear "he'll never go." l understand their fru srration , and I've felt it myself with other men who I wished would gi.ve the group a try. But I've seen plenty of men come who I though t would nevq set foot in the door Some didn't return-it just wasn't for them, or they weren't ready yet to look deeply inside themselves, to be emotionally honest with other menbut others have stayed and benefited, even when initially they weren't sure exacdy why they'd come.

(And it's not for straight men only: Gay, bisexual, and questioning men have found deep connection and a place to be real in these groups. So have men who have experienced childhood abuse or neglect.)

I'm one of · those men who came and stayed. 1 want to say to men out there who haven't tried a men's support group, if you even have the shred of thought that you might get something out of it, please come and check it ou t. It's safe. It's confidential. All men are welcome. It's a place where men are accepted .

Looking to Connect?

Try the MRC's Drop-In

MEN'S SUPPORT GROUPS

IN NORTHAMPTON Open to all men.

Tuesdays, 6:45-8:45 PM Council on Aging, .240 Main St. IN AMHERST Open to all men.

Sundays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC -

IN GREENFIELD JIIQJj Open to all men.

Wednesdays, 7-9 PM Network Chiropractic, DHJones Bldg, Mohawk Trail

a

Michael Burke has been a Men's Resource Center volunteer support group jactiitator for near!Y six years and·is Voice Male's managing editor.

FOR GAY, BISEXUAL AND QUEmONING MEN . Open to gay, bisexual, gay-identified F-to-M .trans men, & men questioning orientation Mondays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC

FOR MEN WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED CHILDHOOD NEGLECT AND/OR ABUSE

Partners and family members often encourage men to attend the support groups-though some may initially be concerned that the man might "air their dirty laundry" or "tell my story." Facilitators are rrained to guide men to talk about themselves, to use "!-statements," and to speak honesdy about their own feelings-not about what their partner or boss or child may be doing or thinking. One .of the facilitators who trained me used to say, "He,tshe isn't in the room-we want to hear what you're feeling.·: One participant's partner said she'd encouraged him to get into a men's support group, and that the results had been "fantastic. " "I see how much the group helps him-peers, older men with similar or different issues understand," she said. "He's not alone and not isolated-l'm delighted he's still going." She also observed that since going to the groups, her partner had become "more relaxed," "less.depressed and angry, " and showed "less frusrration with me because now he has a place to go and share and listen, [and

l

realizes] that I'm not the only person he can talk to."

Open .to men who have experienced any form of childhood neglect and/or abuse (physical, em'otional, or sexual) Fridays, 7-8:30 PM, at the MRC

43 Central Square (Life Art Center Bldg .)

Keene, N.H. • (603) 357-5780 mmrc@salwen .net

www . MMRC on I ine.org

FACILITATE D BY TRAINED VOLU NTEERS • • CONFIDENTIAL

~ z-l

_ ,....,

MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER 236 N. PLEASANT STREET AMHERST (413) 253-98 87

:;;:::1

tv

0 0

w

11

Marty. Probably because of our experiencesAllan's coming out while he was a teacher and my friendship with a gay man- early on the conversation focused on interactions between straight women and gay men. As we discussed the issues in the context of my situation, the conversation often turned to how it was similar to or different from our developing friendship. It became evident that the depth of conversation we had was occurring because of a similar background (teaching), similar passions (gender equity) , and an openness and compassion for other people.

Straight Women, Gay Men: New Ways to Find Intimacy

By Allan Arnaboldi and Martha Henry emember Come-as-You-Are Parties?

Someone knocks on your door early in the morning, drags you away, and takes you to a place with other unkempt people to have fun . People accept you with no makeup, less than perfect hair, and clothes you _ wouldn't normally wear in public. In other words, the fac;ade is down. You are exposed and appreciated for who you really are. This is how Allan, a gay man, and Marty, a ,straight woman-describe their friendship . Not a fac;ade, but the real thing. What follows is an edited conversation between these two friends who are writing new rules about relationships.

Marty (Martha). We have been acquaintances for only a few months . We met through an online course, "Raising and Educating Boys," and found through the course dialogue an openness, compassion, acceptance, and willingness to share experiences. I was dealing with a developing friendship with a gay man and was having rrouble decoding some of the interactions.

When Allan revealed in the course that he was gay, I contacted him to see if he would be willing to discuss some of the issues I was experiencing.

Allan. I was tired of feeling "invisible" and lamenting the absence of a significant other and of deeper, mutual connections with friends who were not available. In Marty I found a warm, open individual who rruly wanted to know me and to connect through .sharing the emotionally and intellectually challenging journey in our day-to-day lives.

R

From the start, we realized how crucial communication is. E-mail allowed ongoing conversations to occur at convenient times, and provided the anonymity to . delve deeper into subjects that might have been more difficult if we had talked in person. However, since we couldn't see each other, words said in ]est were sometimes misinterpreted.

Marty. We used phone conversations to work 1.1.1 ...J

<(

~ 1.1.1

v

~ 12

out many misperceptions and misunderstandings. What both of us brought to our encounters was an openness to accept that what we thought we were reading might not, in fact, be what the other li.ad meant and to delay judgment-until an expla'nation was forthc_oming by phone. This became especially critical when I was planning to visit Allan. I was picking up some distance in his e-mail conversations and was on the verge of

canceling the leg of my trip that would have included a four-day visit with him . I was searching for some reassurance in Allari's email that this risky (for me) situation was safe.

Allan. I think on some level, I didn't believe Marty was willing to go out of her way just to see me. Would she end up regretting the expense if we didn't relate as comfortably face~ to-face? We ended up 'addressing the issue head-on and clarifying what would make it 路 safer for both of us.

'路

So far, this doesn't sound much different from a friendship between any two people: common interests, common passions, and an ability and willingne5s to communicate and accept 路each other without judgment. However, the quality路in how these characteristics manifest defines the difference. Allan was able to ask the probing questions that had not been asked when I talked with straight friends . This forced me to acknowledge the issues I- was experiencing in my other friendship .

Allan. I was dealing with trusting that someone was really "seeing" me. With my his,tory and patterns of having to be the initiator of contacts and of

Marty.

At times life interferes with communication.

In my work I have constant access to e-mail and conduct most of my communication with clients through e-mail.

This allows me to respond to Allan's messages instantly or to shoot off a thought to him as it occurs.

Allan. Though I am in my office a lot and have computer access at home, my day runs from morning to late at night due to my involvement in evening functions. When I get to my e-mail and find multiple messq.ges froin Marty, the desire to continue the virtual dialogue is there, but the energy to respond in a thoughtful, clear way often is not. -It took direct conversation about this to rrust that it was OK to not respond to each rrain of thought or every message .

holding back on asserting triy needs, I was working to lower my barriers to friendships, while seeking respect for my appropriate boundary needs.

Marty. Examining personal issues is a risk ' with friends, much less with relative strangers.

As we discussed intimate issues such as relationships with potential partners and our own sexuality, Allan's feelings of invisibility as a middle-aged, gay man and my continuing -inability to decode messages for which I had no context, we developed a sense of safety with each other. Itwf!S OK to admit vulnerability, and we accepted each other as\ unique, valuable individuals. All issues became safe to discuss.

Allan. Because of the acceptance of each other's situations and our willingness to "go

there" with each other, examine difficult issues, and suppon the stages of growth and undersrancling we each were experiencing, the friendship quickly took on deep value and wonh.

Marty. I think this description more closely parallels the friendships among women than among men or berween men and women. What many women crave from their male panners is just this kind of conversation, support, and "being there" that Allan's friendship provides me. The . clifference is 'that Allan was acculturated as a straight male and could also bring those perspectives to the conversation. He can see that my interpretation of some situations is accurate for straight males, but not for gay ones.

Allan. I don't seem to meet gay men who are open to the emotional intimacy that I have with Many. We both have set the bar very high for our future relationships.

Marty. The Come-as-You-Are Party continues as we recognize that it is not our external fac;ade, but our unique characteristics that make the friendship successful. Society has no guidelines for straight women/gay men relationships. We aren't bound by laws, cultural norms, or expectations. We realize that we are making the rules for this friendship as it grows. That gives us a freedom to explore and connect in new ways that bring the laughter, sorrow, love, and affection missing in other female/male friendships.

Allan . The sexual energy that I often experience when developing emotional intimacy with a gay man is not present to derail my growing relationship with Marty, who provides intelligence, humor, and stimulating questions.

Society has no guidelines for straight women/gay men relationships.

We aren't bound by laws, cultural norms, or expectations. We realize that we are making the rules for this friendship as it grows.

Allan . My experience of living in both of these worlds provided the perspective not available · to Many from other friends. I, on the other hand, was able to have an emotional intimacy that seemed to be lacking or limited in my male friendships, without the complications of sexual intimacy from Many's need, or from the jealousy of a panner on either side. The willingness to challenge while supporting the other person provided an environment for rapid growth and understanding.

Allan. We recognize that there are no "shoulds" here and that this is a major factor in facilitating the speed and depth to which our friendship developed . We intend to nurture this relationship, nourish the places where it is unique, recognize and honor its limits, and continue to examine ir, so as to understand its power

Marty. I accuse Allan of spoiling me for other men. I find in Allan unconditional acceptance, lack of the need to play the man/woman game, stark honesty, compassionate confrontation, unwavering loyalty, and a genuine desirefor my happiness.

Allan Arnaboldi is the MRC's director oj1 support programs and can be reached at aarnaboldi@mensresourcecenterorg. Martha Henry is an educational consultant and can be reached at m.a.henry-consulting@sbcglobal. net.

Marty. Along with working through the issues, we soon found a growing affection· for each other I am sexually attracted to men who are bright, winy, and imellecrually challenging.

This attraction emerged in relationship to Allan as it had with my other gay friend , but soon I recognized that it was a common situation for other women in similar straight/gay relationships. The acknowledgment of it as a common straight female response to gay men helped me understand my feelings in perspective and helped prevent them from interfering with the developing friendship.

•• Designed by a relationship counselor

4ft

'

Easy and Affordable

~

z

-1

m

:;:::1

IV

0 0 w

13

Men and Depression

Opening :the· Doors: Struggling to Be M.e

By David Rider

M

y colleague Neil has recently undenaken the task of creating a full list of my office nicknames . A sticky pad sits on my desk with the words "Dukie," "Scrubs," "Grasshopper," and "Lord Rockumus." Also on that list is the word "Half-Empty," representative of my role in the organization as the pessimist, old gloom-a,nddoom, the one who groans while the others wax enthusiastic. You know: Kafka, Dostoevsky, Eeyore. The mopey lilliputian from Gulliver's Travels.

I've been officially snuggling with depression for the last 12 years, although I could probably find its roots in the loss of a favorite blanket when I was four. Years of emotional and physical abuse from my peers, friends, role models, and enemies throughout elementary' and junior high school took its toll, and I gave up on pushing out when I began high school. Instead, I sucked everything in, trying to make myself as small as possible, out-of-the-way, invisible (something difficult to achieve as I grew to over six feet) .

Being myself ;:tlways felt threatening.

Being myself continues to feel threatening.

With this inward gravitational pull, I pass by opportunities to introduce my real self to others, evading looks, giving one-word answers to questions from strangers, takirig books everywhere I go so I never have £0 lodk · up from my lap. Anything to avoid the-risk or : threat of failure. But the missed chance .to connect is a failure on its own. And with' the' fai\ure ,of e~ery ga5sed opporturuty, I' have to 1, tionalize 'to myself why I didrit' ~av. an::.1!t.D;. ,'. , ~ . h '" :yp-w~o: ... l . wli.y I do~'t . open up m'ore, ev~:tn to my cl0sest , frtends, most of whom have little 'knowledge 1 about my depression. _ .

The rationale that I fall back'on is that I am more special than everyone, that I am more talented, more intelligent, more generous, and more sensitive than most everyone else I know. That I am a genius of some son, and that is why it is so difficult for me to connect with others. To hmher this idea, I imagine that the inward gravitational pull has created somewhere inside of me a really intense hydrogen molecule, pulsating and spinning rapidly, full of David goodness. One day, to make up for all the lost opportunities, I shall explode this David goodness onto the world, and it will be understood why I never tried going out with new people, why I never worked on making small talk, and why I always tried to rum the question "How are :you?" back on the questioner.

I want to jump from this very unknown pei?on straight into someone famous and perfect, someone inscrutable. I want to be <tble to walk into a room and hear other

I

14

people say "Cih, that's David Rider." And then, unable to say anything negative, they walk up to me with a smile and a compliment about my latest painting or lecture or protest speech. Which' makes it difficult to write.that lecrure or paint that painting (or at least hint to anyone that I am doing such things) .

This fame means that I am a known quality: ps:qple will appreciate who I am, far ~and ..yide, talk abt?ut.m~ i11 mcles My fame~ ·. ,Will laSt through time, giving me immonality. • I ;will have staying power, which we all know, in ,the end, is'what ev~ry man wants. , And yet, that doesn't feel right. What I want, irt ,the erid, is to be me: And what I fear more than anything else, what causes me such a·great amount of anxiety and panic that I skipped a conference in june', is that I'm comfonable at avoiding failure, that to be me is tb avoid failure. That I no longer have the capability of discovering who I am. The need to please versus the· need to be is a struggle that has, in many ways, already been decided, and I sit here writing, thinking about the words .that you are reading, wondering how you are reacting to this confession. My therapist tells me that I am an expen reliefseeker: maybe this is my hidden talent. Do I want to know what you think about' this writing? Of course. But I should also be able to sit with the fact that this is "I," David, and that it shouldn't matter what yciu think.

And how am I using working for an organization like Men Can Stop Rape to funher my avoidance, and to increase the pressure of perfection? One would think that speaking in front of several hundred people at a national conference is definitely an opportunity to fail. But, to me, it allows me to

be famous while still superficial. I remember talking to people immediately after the panel; I went back to giving very shon answers, holding back my thoughts or feelings on subjects. By my doing this, the people would know me for what was said to the audience as a whole, without knowing the deeper David, the one who can be criticized or censured.

The work we do is great work·. But would I want to do this work if no one knew I was the one doing it? Would I want to make that famous deal: that the world could be changed but my identity would remain hidden?

I don't have any easy answers .. ..

In being abused by my peers as a child, I was snuggling with masculinity. In not admitting my feelings of vulnerability, I was snuggling with masculinity. And in coping with this vulnerability by desiring widespread fame, I am snuggling with masculinity.

And through it all, I am left with the question: who am I? An old friend used to laugh at me when I tried to ask this question, which makes me believe that the questfon is unanswerable, that maybe I am worrying because I have the opportunity to worry about this question 1 that the question distracts from acrual being. But then, after writing this: I have to go home alone on a metro train filled with people, all of whom are my greatest judges. All of whom could be my biggest fans.

All of whom should just be _people I coexist with in this world.

The goal, really, is to share the hydrogen molecule without exploding it. To keep the molecule connected to others, not more imponant or less imponant than any other one. This is how to end alienation and create social change. This is how one answers the question. This is the snuggle I face, as I hear the metro doors open.

David Rider is Coordinator of National Programs for Men Can Stop Rape in Washington, D.C., a dry in which he continues his activism and edul:ation around prisons and prison reform, and looks to find ways to overcome his fear of dandng in public. Men Can Stop Rape's website is www mencanstoprape.org.

~~ana BodYWork Therap)' j\yurveda, Ene

· rgywork & Flower Essences for Health & Wellbeing I

"I experienced a sense of wellbeing, I feel more appreciative of my life."

-

S.P.

Intro Session '

sso.

(Reg. 65l

Personal Growth Depression Job Stress Anxiety ADD

Brian Leaf,

MA,LMT

16 Center Street, Suite 515 Northampton, MA 01060 (413) 584-0075

••• make it yours! .,. The co-op is 100% member owned and you can be a part of it! .,. We just announced our new preferred site on .King St. behind Spaleto Express. ·.,. The store·will emphasize fresh local and organic foods in Q comfortable, welcoming atmosphere. .,. We all know Northampton needs a food co-op, now is the time to make it happen, join today! .,. Your membership payment will help fund the next stage of the co-op's development and ... it will make YJ!!! a Founding Member'()wner. .,. The fair share membership requirement is $150. .,. For more info, call 800-392-3862

~

z

-l

m

"'0

IV

0 w

15

A Feminist Family

By Nancy Gruver and Joe Kelly Editor's Note: This issue's "Fathering" column might be more aptly called "Parenting, " as it looks at how a father and a mother equally shared in the raising of their now young adult daughters. fter more than 23 years of marriage, we've been looking back on how we got this far (truly unimaginable at the stan) and managed to create a working feminist family.

'Joe, I can't get the babies to stop crying!"

Nancy was on the phone, frantic. "I can't do any more; I need you to come home."

Working a weekend evening shift alone at a shelter for battered women, Joe said, "I can't come home. I'm the only counselor here. " "But you have to be here. I need you here.

I need help with the kids. We said we were going to share this'" "Honey, I have to stay. I'm the only one here; I have to answer the phone and the shelter's full tonight. It's my job."

This is just one example of the conflicting needs that exerted pressure on our early commitment to what's now sometimes called "peer marriage." All through our pregnancy,

"What am I supposed to do? They only eat two ounces, then fall asleep. Then the colic kicks in, they wake up and seem hungry. But I can't tell. Help, I've never had kids before 1" ''A customer just walked in, honey. I'll be home by six. Try calling one of our mothers. " We both considered ourselves feminists when we met. We entered marriage with highminded principles and a commitment to living the partnership and its responsibilities equally.

True, our execution of those ideals was sometimes a bit spotty; Joe spent a tad more time watching the Game of the Week than he did vacuuming. Nat;Jcy worked in the g~d en a bit more often than she tuned up the 74 Gremlin.

We both considered ourselves feminists,when we met.

We ent~red marriage with high-min~ed principles and· a commitment to living the partnership and its responsibilities equally.

UJ

v

0

> 16

we'd looked forward to our first child. But when Nancy's water broke three weeks early, we we)lt to the hospital-and discovered we were having twins! Six hours later they were born. Daughters.

Ufe became chaos while we tried to piece back together our carefully laid (and incredibly naive) plans to evenly balance work, our individual pursuits, and the firs t kid singular.

We kept both our jobs (due to a combination of choice and necessity) . But with twins, we worked pan-time on opposite schedules. Yes, one of us was almost always home with the kids (and their colic, allergies, etc.), but most of the time, it was only one of us.

Joe walked the Uoors alone wearing two Snugglis on his chest, frustrated that he wasn't a woman, with female-folklore training and Xchromosome instinct to calm a child. He'd call Nancy at the store she managed. ·

· But then came the crucible of parenting twins. Or perhaps it was more of a volcano-filled with light and e)<citement, mystery and wamlth, fire and brimstone. It was in the forge of raising these daughters that we'd prove whether feminist principles or patriarchal practices would win out.

Even at their smallest, our litde women were amqzing people. Uke every child, they were miracles in their own lives and in ours. Still, from the very stan, Nancy wanted to be a person firs t and then a mother.

Raising these daughters woul'd prove whether feminist principles or patriarchal practices would win out.

She'd always planned on a work life outside motherhood. And when twins arrived, with their extraordinary demands, she still wanted to reach out toward other realms-and she felt deeply guilty about it. "These kids are so tiny and so needy; am I heartless and selfish to put my needs ahead of theirs?"

Meanwhile, Joe batded his own demon, called The Provider. "Fathers provide . Look at me, working pan-time at a lousy wage. Look at us, on food stamps with secondhand furniture in a rat-hole apartment. How can I be such an inadequate provider to these beautiful babies?"

There were so many times we felt that by choosing to meet our own very personal needs (time away from the constandy needy babies for Nancy, and more time with the babies for Joe) we were somehow letting our kids down.

We definitely knew we were Uouting the roles defined for Mom and Dad by our culture. But we felt these needs so strongly that trying to ignore them would have been detrimental, and a wasted effort. As it turned out, we couldn't have been more wrong about the negative effects we thought our "selfishness" might have. Because what we got, by listening to our individual hearts' desires, was a family built on respect for each person and a family where all four of us have the support to dream our personal dreams and then try to live them, however wacky or inconvenient they may seem at times.

That's our definition of a feminist family.

Nancy Gruver and joe Kelly are the parents of twin daughters, Nia Kelly and Mavis Gruver. They founded New Moon: The Magazine for Girls and Their Dreams (www.newmoon.OI~, where Nancy is publisher. joe is executive director of the national nonprofit Dads and Daughters (www.dadsanddaughters.org) and author of a book by the same name (reviewed in the Fall2002 issue ofVoice Male).

Visit Our New Amherst Site!

27 Pray Street- off Triangle Street

Affordable and Confidential • HIV Testi ng and Counseling • STI Testing and Treatment • Free Condoms & Safer Sex Supplies • Sexual & Reproductive Health Education • Needle Exchange (Northampton only)

1-800-696-7752 www .tapestryhealth.org

Yo, Boys: It's About Respect!

By Aviva Okun

A

s a 17-year-old woman, an activist and feminist with parents who hold the same values, I grew up hearing that men could change-that they could stop acting inappropriately toward women and treating women badly; that they could learn to empower women and break out of stereotypical gender roles. I believe men can change too, but the fact is they haven't changed enough: at least not enough of them have changed, not yet.

I observe many different behaviors among my peers. Many of these are negative behaviors, which adults often criticize and characterize as being specific to the teenage years. As I have discovered, though, many of these behaviors continue on into adulthood. If not corrected early, they can develop into patterns that can be destructive to oneself and those with whom one interacts.

What am I talking about? I'm talking about sexism. I'm talking about men. Boys. Guys.

Dudes.

I'm talking about violence, name-calling, and degradation of women, domestic abuse, rape, sexist remarks, and the fear that these instill in women, ladies, sisters, chicks, babes, and girls. What you call yourself, or how others define you, doesn't matter here. The only thing that really matters is the fear And it's got to stop.

Men make women afraid. That's what I'm talking about. They make me afraid. Passing a man on the street at night makes me afraid.

The rapes that were reported at UMass three years ago still make me afraid. The fact that so many other rapes go unreponed makes me afraid. The fact that so many women live with men who treat them poorly--or worse, violently-and that these women have no power to stop the abuse makes me afraid.

I feel caught in a double standard. All the facts and statistics, and even my gut intuition tell me to fear men, but I don't want to. I believe that men are inherently good, kind, and humane and that they have been stereotyped as rapists, wife beaters, and sexual predators because of the small percentage of them who do these horrible things.

However, men do have the power in our society. That's an irrefutable, undeniable fact.

And as the people with power, they can change these stereotypes and consequently make the world a safer place .for women.

So here's what I'm asking. Men: you have the power to stop this cycle of fear and violence. Do it. Stop it. And keep in mind that taking steps toward safety also means taking steps away from abuse, assault, and the mistreatment of women. Challenge violence and aggression toward women wherever you see it. It comes in many forms and is often disguised as something as innocent as a joke or a passing comment. But these small incidences of sexism are what make this world an unsafe place for women. So be a role model for other men. Tell them their sexist jokes aren't funny, that you don't appreciate hearing women being degraded. Avoid situations

where such talk may be going on. Or simply walk away from them. It's not always easy to intervene when this son of conversation occurs; it's difficult to do in the heat of the moment. You make yourself vulnerable to ridicule and aggrclsion directed at you for challenging it. But you've got to do it.

Because the situation only gets worse when men cross lines of acceptable conduct and are not challenged or criticized for doing so. " Men learn from boyhood that sexist ~ behavior is acceptable, and that there are no ""' consequences for it. Then they grow up, become teenagers, and have girlfriends, friends who are girls, sisters, and female peers. And they think that it's acceptable to treat them as sense knows by high school to treat people less than they are. To degrade them. To call nicely, and this means with respect and them narries'. To objectify them. To criticize decency. Also, in a group setting, people may them. To hit them. To rape them. To kill them. not feel comfortable speaking up for fear of Ancl this is not acceptable! I won't stand for it. criticism. So boys, next time you are in mixed And neither should anyone else. company, think before you say something But men are only pan of the problem. crude or inappropriate-you might be Women also need to change their perspective offending a friend. and their behavior Every time women Negative, derogatory behavior or speech complain, "Men don't listen, they're makes girls feel unsafe. We feel lost and impossible," or 路~1 men are pigs. I hate unheard. Taking an active role as the men," or'~! whist!eblower for men want is sexist conduct can be sex," they are a helpful thing for taking away your girl friends who men's may not feel safe to opponunity to do it themselves. change, to This can make a improve, to huge difference in make the world the way girls. a safer place. experience their high Women are school social circles degrading men, and.helps both _sexes saying that they move toward aren't capable. interacting on a more And as long as meaningful level, to they keep get beyond how saying and people look and act, believing it, and to get to what men won't be they're thinking. capable. Instead, women need to encourage Don't misunderstand: I'm not saying all men, empower them to make the world a safer guys are bad people and treat girls like trash. I place. Women need to be the ones who say, "I am saying that some do and that I don't like it. was at a parry and a man sat down with me I would really appredate if other guys noticed and really listened and that felt great," or "My this and did something about it-it would husband is so respectful of .me and I really make high school a much cooler place to be. appreciate it and I tell him so." These kinds of I have hope that this cycle can be broken, responses are what will truly help to motivate and that young men and boys won't keep men. carrying sexist attitudes and behaviors into Although I've bee11 referring to men and adulthood. Hearing boys say, "Hey, that's not women, I also mean boys and girls, young cool, man," to their buddies, and hearing girls people and teens. They need to get into the advocating for how they want to be treated fills habit of treating each other with respect and me with optimism. But we all need to speak taking responsibility for their actions and up: boys and men, women and girls. We need behaviors now. to stop peipetuating the old patterns, and work For example, boys need to become aware to make the world a safer place for all of us, of how they interact with girls, especially in a group setting. Sexist remarks and stares and Aviva Okun is a senior at Amherst Regional jokes are degrading to a girl's self-:esteem. Girls High School. She is a contributor to ''The Edge, " don't appreciate this type of behavior and my the tern column in the Daily Hampshire Gazette guess is that many boys who observe this type (Northampton, Mass.), and has bern a feminist of behavior exhibited by their male peers aren't her entire life. thrilled with it路either Ignorance might be the excuse, but I think anyone with common

!

~

z

-l ,., ;;::1

IV

0 0

w

17

-Relationship to Deceased: Partner!

B{Thomas Ziniti

B

u.J

v

0

> 18

y the time my partner died on june 14, 2002, I'd gotten used to people misunderstanding our relationship.

Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease had aged Russ considerably beyond his years, although to me he always retained the large facial features of an exceptionally good-looking man: and the forehead of a great philosopher.

"Don't tell me!" a woman good-naturedly, but somewhat stridently, offered one day as she approached us in a \Mll-Man parking lot, "Father and son! Right?" Russ developed a lumbering gait in his last years, and I've always walked that way Anyway, we looked alike; so I guess it was an understandable mistake for a stranger unused to considering a relationship beTWeen TWo men that was anything other than familial or platonic.

After Russ entered a nursing home, and later a hospital, we got the father and son question a lot. I always responded the same way "He's not my fa ther; he's my partner."

Then I'd watch my words register on the surprised faces of nurses and aides. My quiet but determined declaration was almost always met with kindness, often warmth.

Once, though, an aide replied, "What kind of business were you in7" 1, being for the moment as slow on_ the up take as was she, stared blankly back, then when her meaning da\\'fled said, "Oh no, not business parmers, domestic parmers." She was visibly shaken, yet struggled to maintain a casual air, and stammered weakly, "Oh. 1 know about that.

There's some of that where I live." In a measured tone and being careful to smile, I relied, "Yes. There's a lot of that around."

I suppose I could have offered her something enlightening in place of knee-jerk contempt, but she struck me as decidedly unreceptive and, besides, at the time 1 had more important things on my mind.

Hours after Russ died, I rushed to a funeral home with a close friend and my minister.

I explained Russ's and my relationship to the funeral director (who, as it turned out, had once been Russ's•student) and told him that 1would be making all of the final decisions concerning Russ's remains and the service.

His manner was personable and he appeared to take everything I told him in his stride.

But when it came time to talk about the obituary, he first asked me if I wanted to be mentioned at all, then when 1 said yes asked (although it struck me more like a suggestion) did I want to be mentioned as Russ's "friend"?

Perhaps 1 should have stopped here to consider that, even though 1was clear with this man about what Russ and I had been to each other, he might still have been unsure as to whether or not I wanted to go public. Instead I replied emphatically that no, 1 didn't want to be mentioned as Russ's friend ; I wanted to be mentioned as Russ's partner of TWenty-eight years.

A spouse in my situation would not be brought to the question that now distracts me from my grtef: Who was that guy, anyway? \Y.l.5 he my friend, my boyfriend, my pli.rtner,

my companion, my lover? What was he to me?

1 like to refer to myself, facetiously, as a "post-Stonewall pansy" because I came out in the very early seventies, a time before commitment ceremonies and same-sex marriages, when gay couples lived together

bravely as outlaws. In those days, those of us in relationships referred to our better halves as our lovers. I reminded a friend of that recently.

He said, "True, but that makes it sound like the relationship is all about sex." 1 had to agree, but later wondered why when 1realized that the literal meaning of the word laver is, simply, someone in love. .

Therefore, 1 think it a ·great misfortune that Standard English usage propels the collective imagination directly into the bedrooms of gays, causing many heterosexuals to cringe a lot, and even some homosexuals to cringe a little. To me, laver is not only the most comprehensive term, it's the loftiest-although 1 admit it will probably never do for legally sanctioned relationships, such as civil unions.

I can just hear the official saying, "I now pronounce you lover and lover!" (If nothing else I suppose such a pronouncement would give new meaning to the expression "Until death do you pan.") A week or TWo later a cenified copy of a license to Love would arrive in the mail.

The first time I remember hearing the term partner, as it related to same-sex couples, was in the early nineties. Initially, at least, the word struck me not only as foreign but too palatable.

It seemed to me at the time as though gays · were saying that heterosexuals might accept us if we 're partners, but never lovers.

As for friends, sure, Russ and I were friends-best friends. But for me to claim friendship as the be-all-and-end-all of our relationship would be, finally, to deny us and betray him. All of the other terms I could conjure to describe what we had together . ("companiort, " etc.) strike me as equally euphemistic, and fall sadly shon of the mark.

A week or so after the funeral, I opened a valise given to me by the funeral director which contained a guest book, TWo laminated copies of the obituary, some thank-you cards and six cenified copies of the death cenificate (the information for which I had provided to the funeral director, who in tum provided it to the

town clerk) . The death cenificate contains information about Russ, including his last address, the cause of his death, his parents' names, and even (because the law requires it) the name of a woman to whom he had been married for TWO years some thirty-TWo years ago. The document further indicates that she was his wife.

I am mentioned, too. At the bottom, the certificate reads, "Information provided by: Thomas Ziniti. Relationship to deceased: Friend."

With thanks to my friends inside and outside of the gay and lesbian community, who held me up with love during the most difficult time of my life, I am pleased to say that after the writing of this article and before its publication, I went to the town clerk and requested a change. The death certificate now reads, "Information provided by: Thomas Ziniti. Relationship to deceased: Partner."

Thomas Ziniti is a spedal education aide at the Warwick (Mass.) Community School and newsletter and events coordinator for TH.E. Men's Program of the AIDS Project of Southern Vermont in Brattleboro.

For more info or to submit new entries for Men's Resource Center GBQ Resources contact us at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10 or mrc@mensresourcecenter.org

THE MEN'S ltESOURCE CENTER OF WESTERN MASSACHUSETTS PRESENTS

WIWTE~

$C.,'MQ'()Z~.

·~~.f·tST.

For 9nr tnm nnd ofhtr lf/(/1 who love tnl/1...

A 1nnf opporhmif'f fo muf ofhm from Spri11t[fie/d fo l3rnff!eboro - n111f Pt'fol!dl

TICKETS: $10 IN ADVANCE fi,_I(•.J~~ $12 AT THE DOOR Clif[~fp • ~\ Aref!n6/r nitltrfo!lowinr fdo.P.t MEN'S RESOURCE CE NTER,B{, N. PfwnirfSt., Atidtmf GLBT COMMUNITY CENTER,l7NnrSoKfltSf,Nortltn111/'fon

BEYOND WORDS BOOKSHOP,JS'J ~1ninSf.. Norfltnmflon TAPESTRY HEALTH SYSTEMS,3'J ft!HihrtljSf. (/oll'tr!tre/), Sptitt'f{it/J T.H .E. MEN'S PROGRAM,{,7ft1ntitJf. (41/rf!()(}r}, 8nrfl!ekw, VT WORLD EXE BOOKSHOP,l5&~1nfttSf., qr«ll{it!J REDUCED FEE TICKETS AVAILABLE AT THE

POOR

FOR MORE lNFORMATION CALL (41H lSl-9887 ucr. 10 OR

E-MAIL AARNABOLDI @MENSRESOURCECENTER.ORG

SUNDAYr FEB. 9, 2003 • 3 TO S:30PM

~ z --t ,., :;;::1

IV

0 0

w

GARDEN HOUSE AT LOOK PARK · NORTHAMPTON 19

The Legacy of Poverty and Racism

,

Men of Color's Fragile Health

M

ost men of color can expect a less healthy life than therr white counterparts, stemming primartly from society's foot dragging at working to eliminate racism and poverty. ·While the diversity of the U.5. continues to expand, rates of illness and death are significantly higher for men of color Compared to white men, the life expectancy for black men is seven years lower, and almost eight years lower for Native American men. Those are some of the conclusions found in two new reports by Community Voices: HealthCare for the Underserved.

"Men of color are facing illness and dying at an alarmingly high rate," says Dr. Henrie Treadwell, program director at the W K Kellogg Foundation, which commissioned the study. "We must reverse the l!l'end that keeps men of color from seeking and receiving much-needed health services."

"Nothing in the biological makeup of men of color explains the remarkable gap between their health and white men's," says Treadwell, in What About Men?· Exploring the Inequities in Minority Men's Health. "Instead, insidious social factors, foremost racism, primarily are behind it. " Improper access to health care, poor education, and few jobs providing insurance are among the factors . What About Men? outlines policy strategies to overcome obstacles facing men of color in accessing appropriate health care, including:

UJ

v

~ lO

• Expanding private and public 'health insurance coverage for more men of color • Increasing community-based screening services, outreach programs, and health care case management • Strengthening the tie between pediatric, adolescent, and adult care for men of color • Building a culturally competent workforce and expanding research and data collection on men of color • Developing community coalitions of private and public health agencies and social service organizations to servt; men of color • Developing national, state, and local policy agendas for the health of men of color. . "Men are important in ou~ society, " says Hugh Price, president of the National Urban League. "We must remove the horrendous barriers to health care that threaten 'the lives of

our minority men."

Community Voices has already begun · addressing some of these recommendations with the development of the nation's first full-service Men's Health Center. The

primary care facility, located in Baltimore's Sandtown-Winchester community, provides health care at no charge to uninsured males, ages 19 to 64. The center·was established in Aprtl ?tlOO in collaboration with the Baltimore City Health Department. . . The repon also suggests concerned family members should encourage their fathers, sons, brothers, and husbands to seek care, and should help facilitate their entry into the health system.

Meanwhile, because men from racial and ethnic populations face such a high risk of hean disease, diabetes, HN/AIDS, and other conditions and often lack access to basic care, they are now experiencing a health care crisis, according to another repon by Community Voices: ,HealthCare for the Underserved. . . ,.

There is a growing urgency· to recognize and to · stem this crisis as the diversity of our nation continues to expand. Unless action is taken soon, the crisis, and attendant financial implications related to treating large numbers of men ·living in poveny, will grow.

This report, A Poor Man's Plight: Uncovering the Disparity in ,Men's Health , examines the health status of Black, Hispanic, Asian/Pacific Islander, Native American, and mixed-race men and identifies strategies that can reduce this alarming health gap. Authored by Dr. John Rich of the Boston Public Health Commission and Dr. Marguerite Ro of Columbia University, the repon finds that men of color are overall less likely to have health insurance and less likely to access health care services than their White counterparts.

Moreover, the repon finds, men of color disproportionately lack access to much-needed mental health, substance abuse, and oral health services. A Poor Man's Plight also offers insight into health issues that adveisely impact minority communities: • On average, African Americans, Latinos, Native Americans, and Native Hawaiians are

nearly twice as likely to have diabetes as nonHispanic Whites of similar age.

• HN/AIDS is the second leading cause of death for Africim American men between the ages of 25 and 44 and the third leading cause of death for Latino men in the same age·group.

• Men of color suffer higher rates of preventable illness, such as sexually transmitted diseases.

This L~ particularly the case for African American and Latino men, who have rates of gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, and herpes infection that are higher than for other men of color and much higher than among White men.

• In 1998, men of color accounted for 70 percent of deaths by homicide in th,e U.S. Homicide is the leading cause of death for African American men between the ages of 15 and 34 and the second leading cause of death for Latino men in the same age group.

"Policymakers and health care providers fail to focus on how to combat the excessive and unacceptable levels of morbidity and mortality that plague the liv:es of poor men and men of color," says Dr. Treadwell of the Kellogg Foundation.

"This report acknowledges the historical, social, and political factors that have blocked access to care for men of color and provides us a road map to move forward in addressing the needs of this vulnerable population."

A Poor Man's Plight outlines policy strategies to overcome obstacles that men of color face in accessing appropriate health care. These recommendations include: · • Expand health insurance coverage for men of color • Establish enhanced points of enrry into health care for men of color • Increase the availability of community-based screening and services for men of color and increase outreach to men of color • Build a culturally competent workforce

(Continued on page 22)

Coming to America

The Tarnish on the Melting Pot

By Javed Kazi

I

was born in Bangladesh, where my father worked for the American Embassy. He never discussed with me any racial issues that he might have faced at work, but looking back I feel certain that he encountered racial prejudice. Bangladesh was a British colony for 250 years, and we always considered the British to be a racist nation due to their oppression of our people.

As for the United States, the images fed to people in Bangladesh show the white American personality to be almost always positive, without a hint of any racially prejudiced viewpoint. On the other hand, both blacks and Native Americans are usually portrayed through , negative images in American movies and television shows that make it to Bangladesh.

These were the conflicting-and confusingimages on my mind when our family came to the United States in 1985.

I started 1Oth grade at Randolph High School in New jersey in September At that time, the school was about 97 percent white.

But the very first day at school, during homeroom, I heard a white student say, 'This year there are too many colored students."

Some of the other kids agreed, and the white teacher said in an agreeable tone of voice that although she would like to comment on this subject, she couldn't because "I can't say what I would like to say because I am a teacher."

I thought that they were all talking about me, since I was the only nonwhite student in that classroom. But I said nothing and pretended not to hear Later I found out that the term "colored" usually refers to black Americans, though it can also refer to other nonwhite racial groups. I also learned that while in the previous year there had been four or five black students at Randolph, now there were eight to ten.

The third day of school, while I was sitting in the cafeteria with five white students, another student carne over and said there was going to be a function at a local college that weekend.

He looked at me and asked if I wanted to come, since there was going to be "free food." It made me feel bad-did he think I was starving?-so I said no. I later realized that since I came from a developing counny, a number of white Americans held the stereotypical image that "we all live on U.S. aid, so we love anything that's free. " A couple weeks later, my homeroom teacher mentioned to me that after retiring, she might consider going to India to teach "proper methods of living," as she put it. 10 her I imagine this statement meant she was going to "help the unfortunate ones." Even though I was from Bangladesh, not India, which she knew, I think in her mind "we're all the same. " When I told her later that I wanted to rerum to Bangladesh someday, hopefully getting a job with an American corporation like Citicorp that has divisions there, she told me dismissively, "That's what they all say."

One of my white male gym teachers used to hold his hands together and bow when he would see me. This is a Hindu gesture, but I am not a Hindu. He used to pick on me when

"Give me your tired, your poor,

we were playing your huddled masses basketball, a game I had never played yearning to breathe free" before in my life. (as long as they're white) Once he called me "Gandhi" instead of my name: I actually complained to the head of the athletic deparrment about this incident, but all he said was "He shouldn't have done that." I never complained about any other racial harassment issues to anybody else in high school.

I remember being made fun of by students and even teachers. My last name is Kazi, which to some students sounded like "Quasi" or Quasimodo, the Hunchback of Notre-Dame. I just used to smile and pretend that none of this bothered me. There were very few minority students at Randolph High, and I never discussed racial issues with them or questioned summer of 1987, and after I returned to school them about their own experience of and mentioned my trip to a white female discrimination. I was not sure how they would classmate, she said, "I hope you've had all your respond, or even if this was a proper topic of 路 shots, 'cause I don't want to catch any strange conversation. disease." I remember wanting to reply really Once a white srudem asked me what my badly-but then I thought that it was my fault religion was and asked a Turkish student, sitting at the same table, the same question. When we both said "Islam," the white student smiled and said, "Maybe you rwo potential terrorists can pray together" The Turkish student and I just smiled and made no comment, and never spoke-even to each other-about what the white student had said. I once did a shon paper on terrorism, and had to give .an oral repon to the class about my topic. When I said that my subject was terrorism, almost half the class laughed. To most white Americans, then as now, all Muslims were potential terrorists.

From that point on, I stayed away from any topics that might be considered sensitive. .

Still, I could not avoid being a target of prejudice and misunderstanding. Once during PE, outside on the school playground, I told a white student that I had to go to the bathroom and hoped the teacher would end the class for bringing up the subject. So once again I soon. The student replied, "Why don't you said nothing. But in my senior year, during a just go to the comer and piss-your people do discussion of the Palestine issue, I remarked that. .. don't, they?" I told him, "I don't," but I that America's foreign policy is not always good never tried to point out what a negative and for its long-term relationship with the Islamic 路 stereotypical image this was, and I never told world. One of the white students replied, "Why him that I did not appreciate the comment. I don't you go back, you un-American fucking thought it would be useless, I guess, and foreigner7" Since I was the only minority in that wouldn't change his mind anyway. circle and the rest of the white students seemed When I first started school, I brought lunch to agree with him, I kept quiet. from home, consisting of traditional Bangladeshi Once a teacher asked me, ':Are your parents foods, and made by my mother One of my going to bring a bride for you after you graduate white lunchmates said that the food looked from high school?" I informed her that "like shit" and smelled "funny." I stopped arranged marriages occur mainly in the villages bringing lunch after that. As time went on, I in my country, not in the city, and that I am found myself conforming more and more to from Dhaka, the capital of Bangladesh. But I "what's right" according to the white students. never had the courage to tell anybody that it They made fun of my accent, and teased me for was just none of their business--which was my not being able to speak English properly, for not right. I always felt that the white American knowing American culture and what is "right" attitude of "It's none of your damn business" and "wrong" according to its rules. There was seems never to apply to them when they are litde or no allowance for mistakes, and they infringing on somebody else's rights and reminded me often of my second-class status. probing-<>ften in total ignorance-into their I went back to Bangladesh for a visit in the (Continued on next page)

~

z

-! rn ;;::1

IV

0 0

w

21

r---------------------------------------------~

(Men & Health, continued from page 20)

IS THIS YOU?

• Expand research and data collection on the health of men of color • Develop community coalitions of health, public health and social service providers who serve men of color • Develop national, state, and local policy agendas for the health of men of color "The current systems do a less than adequate job of marketing to men, particularly men of color," notes Dr. Treadwell. "We are proud of the progress that Community Voices has made in this area."

Thineen sites make up the multi-year Community Voices national initiative supponed by the WK Kellogg Foundation.

The 13 communities are: Alameda County/Oakland, California; Albuquerque, New Mexico; lngham County, Michigan; Baltimore, Maryland; Sacramento, California; Denver, Colorado; Detroit, Michigan; 8 Paso, Texas; Miami, Florida; Nonh Carolina; Nonhero Manhattan, New York; Washington, DC; and West Virginia.

SURF OUR TURF!

/M.H'S

{RESOURCE

~

Visit the MRC's website ~.nnensresourcece~eLo~

22

• •

If you or someone you know can answer "Yes" to any of these questions you or they may have a problem with abuse. Without help, it could get worse. 'At Men ' Overcoming Violence, men can learn to change. Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained 'staff. We can help .. .before it's too late.

OVE

(The Tarnish on the Melting Pot, cont. from page 21)

Javed Kazi is a student at The William Paterson · University of New jersey He lives in Morris Counry, N]. , and is movingforward with his life with a better understanding of himself and what it means to be an immigrant dtizen of the United States.

1

... OR IS THIS SOMEONE YOU KNOW?

For more information or to download a copy of the reports, visit the Policy Briefs section of the Community Voices web site at http://www.communityvoices.org. To order a free copy of the publications, calll-800-819-9997 and ask for item #476.

culture; in high school. however, I generally felt it was not my place to criticize white American culture and values.

I'm in college now, and moving forward with my life, but I do not ~e gopd memo~es , from my high school days. I wisH sometimes1 that I could go back, knowing what I kno\1( , ! now, so that every time I faced ~para'ging comments, harassment, and oilier racia'll.y 1 • . prejudicial situations, I could reply properly apd. take some action-maybe even educate someone in the process. But even had I been able to do this, I'm not sure my actions would have been appreciated back then. And in the current climate of fear and suspicion of foreigners, people of coloi; and especially Muslims--what would be the response today?

~·

EN OVERCOMING VIOLENC E

Amherst/Ware: (413) 253-9588 • Springfield: (413) 734-3438 Greenfield: (413) 773-8181 • Athol/Orange: (978) 575-9994 I ;.;,

ADVERTISE IN ,

ROCKY HILL CO HOUSING Northampton We will be a community of 28 clustered homes on 27 forested acres with a planned sledding hill and a pond.

We'll share resources, 1 community projects, and celebrations with our neighbors. We're building healthy, super-insulated homes at reasonable prices.

Come join the community, and improve the quality of your life.

Call Sharon: 413 584-9987 www.rockyhillcohousing.org

Each season 10,000 copies are mailed to subscribers and distributed in Western Mass., .

Southern Vermont and Southern New Hampshire.

To find out how to place an ad in VOICE MALE; call (413) 253-9887, Ext. 20 mens resourcecenter.org

1

PORT GROUP PROGRAMS \i.en's Group- 7-9 p.m. Sunday at the MRC Amherst office, Tuesday .3:45-8:45 p.m. at the Council on 2.40 Main St., Northampton. A facilitated drc t' m group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other.

MRC

PROGRAMS

&

SERVICES

J

• Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Abuse and Neglect - Specifically for men who have experienced any kind of childhood abuse or neglect. 7-8:30 p.m. Friday evenings at the MRC. • Gay, Bisexual, & Questioning 7-9 p.m.

Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation.

• GBQ Schmoozefest Events: Seasonal events with catered food , an and music, opportunities for interacting with GBQ men and other men who love men from Springfield to Brattleboro and beyond. Furure ~ents: February 9, April 13, June 1, 3-5:30 p.m. at the Garden House, Look Park, Northampton, Mass.

F~THERING

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE) MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and courtmandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive.

Fee subsidies available.

• Basic Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amher.st, Athol, Wire, Springfield, and Greenfield.

• A variety. of resol,lrces are available Father.s and Family Network monthly workshops, lawyer referrals, parenting guidance, workshops, educational presentations and conferences. Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/divorced, gay, step, adoptive and other father.s/father figures .

'

Available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community, " and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics. Specific trainings and consultation available.

PUBLICATIONS

• Follow-up: Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton and Amher.st.

• Voice Male: Published quarterly, the MRC

• Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for parmers of men in the MOVE program.

• Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors, a 60-page manual which

• Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections.

PROGRAMS

WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING

• Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in barterer intervention are available.

• Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

magazine includes articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity.

answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there."

RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES • Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, and support programs for men.

YOUTH PROGRAMS • RadioActive liluth (RAY): ~onthly youth radio show on WMUA (91.1 F_M); third Monday each month at 5:30 p.m.

~

Young Men of Color Lpder.ship Project, Amher.st

II Young Men's Leader.ship Development/Violence Prevention, · & Northampton.

I I I I I I

11

Subscribe to Voice Male and keep informed about the Men's Resource Center ofWestem Massachusetts and news of changing men.

With your subscription comes news of the MRC, which includes mailings of MRC events and, of course, Voice Male.

YES! I want to subscribe to Voice Male and support the MRC.

I;· 0

Other

I l $---1

L.

0$500

Name :

I I I

Address :

I

City: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __,tate: _ _ __L..ip: Phone: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

0$250

0$100

E-mail:

0$50 Family

Please consider one of these special contributions Mail to: MRC 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, Mass. 01002

0$35 Basic

0$20 Student/ Limited Income

-----------------------------

I I I I

~

z_, m

;;:3

IV

0 0 w

23

-

RESOURCES

Men's Resources

(Resources for Gay, Bisexual and Questioning Men, see page 19)

The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate suppon groups, patient suppon groups, nutritional supplements, dressings and supplies, literature, low-cost housing, and transponation.

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444; free, confidential HN/AIDS services, including suppon, p~evention counseling and volunteer opponunities.

Children's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals, families and children, with a play therapy room for working with children. Parent aid program for parents experiencing srress.

HIV Testing Hotline: (800) 750-2016 Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals 123 Hawley St., Nonhampton.

Doors open at 6 PM.

Sex &love Addicts Anonymous (SlAA) (800) 749-68 79 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England.

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues Education and suppon services for adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals, etc.

Suppon group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month.

Ann Henry- (413) 584-6599.

Fathers Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns:

I..U

v

0

> 24

At Home Dad:

100 Black Men, Inc.:

www.parentsplace.com/readroom/athomedad

www.100bm.org

The Fathers Resource Center:

Pro-feminist men's groups listing:

www.slowlane.com/frc

www.feminist.com/pro.hun

National Fatherhood Initiative:

Pro-feminist mailing list:

www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathemet

http://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkin /profem.hunl

The Fatherhood Project: www.fatherhoodproject.org

Magazines

Internet Resources

www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achilles(Issues.hunl

Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts:

http://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkin/XY /xyinrro.htm

www.mensresourcecenterorg

The Men's Bibliography: The Men's Bibliography has had to move addresses. As you may !mow, The Men's Bibliography is a comprehensive online bibliography of writing on men, masculinities and sexualities.

You can now find the bibliography at: http://www.xyonline.net/mensbiblio/

XY magazine: http://www.anu.edu.au/ -a112465/XY/xyf.hun

Pro-feminist men's FAQ: http://www.anu.edu.au/ -a112465/pffaq.html

Pro-feminist men's mall list: http://www.anu.edu.au/ -all2465/profem.hunl

Violence statistics: http://www.anu.edu.au/ -a1l2465/vstats.hunl

Homophobia and masculinities among young men (lessons In becoming a straight man): http://online.anu.edu .au/ -a1l2 465/homophobia.hunl

National Men's Resource Center

Looking for a lawyer? call your state bar association lawyer referral agency. ln Massachusetts the number is 1-800-3926164. Here are some websites that may be of use to you:

www.mensruff.org National calendar of events, directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships.

www.acfc.org * www.fathering.org www.dadscan.org www.divorcedfathercom www.fatherhoodproject.org www.dadsrights.org ** (not www.dadsrights.com) www.fathers .com www.fatherhood.org www.fathersnetwork.org www.divorcehq.com * www.divorcewizards.com * www.geocities.com/Heanland!Meadows/ 1259/ links.hun * www. menstuff. orglframeindex.hun!

(Fathersrufl)

www.vix.com/pub/men!mdex.hunl

*good resource **srrongly recommended

The·Men's Issues Page:

Achilles Heel (from Great Britain): XY: men, sex politics (from Australia):

Ending Men's Violence Real Men: www.cs. utk.edu/'-banley/other/rea!Men.hun\

The Men's Rape Prevention Project: www.mrpp.org/mtro.hunl

Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www.geocities.com/Capita!Hill/1139 /quitpom.hunl

Volunteers Needed AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-8288 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HN or AIDS. Men are especially needed.

Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County We are looking for men to be Big Brothers in the Hampshire County area. Big Brothers act as mentors and role models to boys who need a caring adult friend . To learn more about being a Big Brother, call (413) 253-2591.

Planned Parenthood of Western Massachusetts 413 732-2363 Outreach volunteers wanted help distribute information about Planned Parenthood's services, promote safe sex practices, and rally suppon for pro-choice legislation at various events.

Men's Resource Center (413) 253-9887 Distribution, ad sales and mailings for Voice Male, general office work, special projects, etc. Flexible schedules.

Sam Femiano, Th.D., EdD. LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Individual and group psychotherapy Therapy groups for male survivors of childhood abuse 25 MAIN STREET- NORTHAMPTON, MA 01060 TEL: 413-586-0515 • E-MAIL: CHANGINGMENlO®HOTMAll..COM

to

Baystate's Generosity Baystate Health System has again graciously donated printing of20,000 of our MOVE ourreach cards, which MRC staff and countless volunteers have distributed throughout Franklin, Hampshire, and Hampden Counties. We are deeply grateful for the vision and suppon of Suzanne · Hendery, Baystate's director of marketing, and for JeffWickles and the workers at Baystate's print shop, without whose help this project couldn't have reached so many who need it.

f7 Robert Mazer psychotherapy for men in transition, men seeking movement in their lives free initial consultation I flexible fees ~

staff member at the Synthesis Center in Amherst

256-0772,J

Konza Massage Deep tissue, sports, structural body work and relaxation therapy for men

r

•

Joseph Babcock 413.587.4334 . A.M. T.A Member

Very Reasonable Rates

Nationally Certified

Aeadv to Change"· Your Life?

Men's Group_Therapy Psychotherapy for:

Co~ples

- Families Individuals

413-586-7454

.Reed Schi mmelfi ng MSW. LJCSW · 6!flce In Northampton

~-

z

-I

m

;;::::1

tv

o· 0

w

25

M

Sunday, February 9 Nonhampton, Massachusetts Winter Schmooze Fest Schmooze with gay men and other men who love men in an afternoon featuring catered food, original an, great socializing and networking with others from Springfield to Brattleboro and beyond! Location: Garden House at Look Park, Norrhampton.

Tickets: $10 in advance; $12 at the door Reduced ticket price available.

Information: (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10; aarnaboldi@mensresourcecenterorg.

Sunday, March 2 · Amherst, Massachusetts

Gender and Class fn this day-lorig workshop, co-led by the Saturday, january 11 Nonhampton, Massachusetts Tenth Year Anniversary of Sherry and Cedric Commemorq.te the tenth anniversary of the deaths of Sherry Monon and her two year old son, Cedric, murdered by the boy's father An opportunity to remember their lives and to recommit to workirig to prevent domestic violence. Candle light vigil and shon walk. · Speakers at the 5-7 p.m. service will include Sherry's sister and her mother, Yoke Kate, Norrhampton Mayor Mary Claire Higgins, and Men's Resource Center executive director, Steven Botkin. Location. First Churches, Main Street Information: (41 3) 535-9035 or (413) 586-8870.

Men's Resource Center and Class Action, we Will break the societal taboo about talking about money and class (sometimes stronger than talking about sex) . DrawiRg on our personal experiences, we will explore the intersections of gender and class, so that we can free ourselves of the lirnitations of both our class and gender roles. This workshop is open to people of all genders. · Information: contact Steven Botkin (413) 253-9887 ext33 ; or Felice Yeske! at 545-4824.

Thursda)', March 6 - Friday, March 7 Marlboro, Massachusetts 4th Annual New England Fathering Conference "Our Challenge: Identifying Gaps, Building Bridges," Cutting-edge gathering explores the new face of fatherhood. Join other educators, family service providers, social workers, psychotherapists, program directors, and engaged fa thers. Location: Royal Plaza Hotel and Conference Center Information: Tony Palomba, For Fathering Project, The Medical Foundation, (61 7) 451-0049 ext 285; tpalomba@rrnfnetorg.

Friday, May 2 - Saturday, May 3 Cambridge, Massachusetts Understanding Boys and Men Learn th~ latest thinking bn the development of boys and men with an emphasis on psychological, sociological, educational and biological issues. Topics to include: emotions, spirituality, violence, spo!tS, father-son, malefemale, male-male relationships. Intended for mental health professionals, educators, clergy and others concerned with boys and men.

Conference directed by: William S. Pollack, Ph.D. and Judy Reiner Platt, Ed.D. 'Location: Royal Sonesta Hotel. Information: Cambridge Hospital Professional Services, P.O. Box 398075-lnman Square, Cambridge, MA 02139; (617) 503-3460; (Fail (617) 503-3462. Email:cme@challiance.org.

Wednesday, january 15 Wellesley, Massachusetts 'Evolving Gender Issues in Education Join an ongoing conversation on gender issues in our schools~ Following a keynote, 'T he Contradiction Between Adolescent Sexualit;y and Abstinence Only Sex Education Policies," in-depth workshops will allow for focused discussions on a range of topics from education equity and diversity to addressing gender violence. Location: Wellesley College, Wellesley Centers for Women, 106 Central Street, Wellesley, Mass. Information: (781) 283-2506; hmatthew@wellesley.edu.

Friday, january 17 Chicopee, Massachusetts Legislative Reception Meet legislators from Hampden, Hampshire, Franklin and Berkshire counties to discuss human service funding in the new Massachusetts 'state budget Continental breakfast fare . Location: Knights of Columbus-Fairview "Castle of Knights," 1599 Memorial Drive, Chicopee. $7 per person. Pre-registration required.

Information: (413) 737-2691 Ext 115.

L.U

v

~ 26

Saturday, February 1 - Sunday, February 2 Amherst, Massachusetts GO Basketball Tournament Everyone is invited to this community celebration organized by the MRC and other community groups that will include the basketball tournament as well as music, a fair, and a banquet Information: contact Edgar Cancel at 253-9887. Ext 34.

Right about now you ·might be interested in emergency contraception.

1-888-N OT-2 -LATE If your coht raception fails, you can still prevent pregnancy. Used within 72 hours after sex, emergency contraception substantial ly reduces your risk of pregnancy. It is safe and easy to use . Ask yo ur hea lth care provider or call 1-888-NOT-2-LATE fo r informatio n and.a list of loca l providers.

Re pr oduc t ive Healt h Techno log i es Pro j ec t • http: // opr.princ eto n .edu / ec

May 9-11, 2003

Bangor, Pennsylvania

The Power of Positive Eating

Leaping Upon the Mountains: A Men's Abuse Recovery Weekend Led by Mike Lew, M.Ed., and Thorn Harrigan, L.l.C.S.W, ofThe Next Step Counseling in Brookline, Massachusetts, this weekend workshop for non-offending adult male survivors of sexual child abuse, rape, physical violence, emotional abuse, abandonment and!or neglect, offers a safe, encouraging, powerful environment of shared healing. The weekend will provide opportunities to engage m a variety of healing activities, including sharing of stories, writing exercises, anger work and other emotional expression, small group discussion, shared creativity, relaxation and (yes, even) fun . rf there are sufficient numbers and interest, the workshop will include a special track for survivors of abuse by clergy.

This event is for men who are actively engaged in recovery work; it is not a substirute for therapy. A letter of recommendation from a therapist must accompany the registration form/deposit. The registration deadline for this event is April 25th, but spaces are limited, and this workshop often has a waiting list, so try to register early to ensure your place.

Information and Registration: 7 PM Friday dinner through Sunday lunch: $295 ($150 registration deposit). Send to: Kirkridge Conference and Retreat Center, 2495 Fox Gap Road, Bangor, PA (61 0) 588-1793; kirkridge@fast.net.

Organic Fruits & Vegetables • Bulk Grains and Beans .f{# Whole Grain Bakery • Delicatessen • Cate ~ l. Organic Wines • Microbrewery Beers l 'IIIII\' Natural Meats • Sparkling Seafood 9 NaiurOJ Health & Body Care • Fresh Flowers

Bread & Circus

WHOLE FOODS MARKET Russell St (Rt 9), Hadley, MA 413-586-9932 Hours: Monday- Sunday: 9am - 9Pm

BACK ISSUES OF

• ••••

• •• • ofCircle • Many •

VOICE MALE

A VAI LABLE

Stones REGULAR COLUMNS:

• • • • • •

Men & Health Notes from Survivors Fathering Voices of Youth OutLinea/GBQ Resources ColorLines

FEATURE ARTICLES such as:

"Whose Masculinity Is It, Anyway?"

"Male Violence in Sports" " How Men Cope with the D eaths of T heir Fathers" "Living on an Island: The Isolation o f Men" To order back issues of VOICE MALE contact the MRC at (413) 253-9887, mrc@mensresourcecenter.org, or 236 No. Pleasant St.; Amherst, MA; 01002

~

z

--i

m

;N

VOLUNTEER WITH VOICE MALE! \\, lhc"tiih·i 11 \\!ill • i111, l<''ll"ll' ( ,tlli·fi ~I

2l

Distribution • Advertising • Website

IV

0 0

w

).l)~;~:~· l'i L·-111, \ll lh ;\[ 1111\.(11 l11L" l hiL.S\1llfLL'l.L'l1!LTlll~

27

SUPPO RTT HE FIRST

MEN'S RESOURCE (ENTE'R

GO BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT A CELEBRATION O F MEN AND YOUNG MEN

February 1-2, 2003 Amherst (Mass.) Regional High School • Celebrating Community Service in Western MassachuseHs • Commemorating Black History Month ·

'!,

by the· • 'asketball Hall of Fame • Boston Celtics

Sponsored in part

~;i;';~~: ~pringfield ,

Pro Am League • The Harriet Proiect • LiHie Eddie's • M.A.MA. Fitness Group

e • Q&A e

Barber Shop

•

•

•

•

Also at the tourna.ment

• Half-time Shows • Banquet •. Music • • Fair e e

•

•

•

~\)f\\(.\ To ;