Voice Male Fall 2005

N e w Vi s i o n s o f M a n h o o d

Voice Male fall 2005

The Magazine of The Men’s Resource Center for change

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PLAY

Gabe and Lisa Kapler Take the Field Against Domestic Violence

INSIDE:

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10 Ways Men Can Challenge Abuse

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Preventing Prostate Cancer

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Saying Yes to Nonviolence

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A Call to Men: From Bystanders to Activists

By Rob Okun

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he transformation in consciousness that Voice Male and its publisher, the Men’s Resource Center for Change, have long advocated—that men who reject the culture of violence shift their role from men-as-bystanders to men-taking-action—just got a muchneeded power surge.

More than 300 men and women from around the country spent two days in New York City attending “A Call to Men: Becoming Part of the Solution to End Violence Against Women.” The conference, held at John Jay College at the end of September, was organized by a new organization, the National Association of Men and Women Committed to Ending Violence Against Women (www.acalltomen.org). The name may be long but its founders, Tony Porter, Ted Bunch, and Brenda Ross, want to make sure people understand precisely what their group is all about—men taking responsibility to end violence against women and doing so byworkingalongsidewomenwhoseleadership they acknowledge and respect.

An energy of possibility and hope emanatedfromthe gathering. Attendees, slightly more women then men, included key staff from state agencies and nonprofit organizations working to prevent sexual assault and domestic violence.

They networked, exchanged business cards, shared resources. They made concrete the growing phenomenon of collaborationbetweenmenandwomenthat the Men’s Resource Center for Change and Voice Male have long championed (see article on page 10).

In their engaging presentation, Porter and Bunch offered a primer on the damaging effects of male socialization, peppered with anecdotes from their personal lives. Each man wasn’t afraid to reveal some of his foibles, places where conventional ideas about men and manhood

“As men we need to find our voices and no longer settle for being bystanders to a movement for justice— for women, for men, for all of us.” still have a hold on them.

Porter shared a sobering example of one of the organization’s beliefs: Wellmeaning men’s silence about other men’s violence gives permission to men to act violently. As an older teen he failed to act when he witnessed a mentally delayed teenage girl being repeatedly sexually assaulted at a party. Caught between his awareness that what was going on was not consensual sex but rape, and his desire to maintain status among his peers, he described how he not only didn’t intervene but actually falsely conveyed to his peers that he, too, had participated. The young woman, he said, had no value to him yet; his peers did.

His story had a powerful effect on the mostly older conference audience—it’s a must-tell story for student audiences.

As men of color, Porter and Bunch brought to their talk a profound understanding of male privilege, both as men who have it and as African-Americans who don’t. Moreover, their discussion of the epidemic of men’s violence against women drew strength from their articulation of the parallels between how racism and sexism play out in men’s and women’s lives. Among their insights: the awareness that the movement to end violence against women won’t“be doing its best work until the voices of women of color are heard.”

Among those also speaking at the conference was anti-porn activist Robert Jensen, a frequent contributor to Voice Male and a professor at the University of Texas at Austin. In a blistering report on the mainstreaming of pornography,

Jensen sought to draw the connection between the degraded ways women are treated in the porn world and the violence perpetrated against them by men who feel a sense of ownership, privilege, and entitlement.

In the porn world, Jensen said, “women are reduced to three holes and two hands.” He despaired over the growing societal acceptance of porn, from awards ceremonies in LasVegas modeled on the Oscars, to the sheer volume of pornographic videos being produced— “11,000 new hard-core porn tapes a year.” A conservative estimate is that $10 billion a year is spent on the porn industry, Jensen reported.“Pornographers may be able to deliver an inexpensive orgasm but they can’t deliver joy,” he reminded his audience.

Like the organizers of “A Call to Men,” like the Men’s Resource Center for Change, like Voice Male’s ongoing commitment to report on new visions of manhood, Jensen, Porter, and Bunch model what is possible when as men we find our voices and no longer settle for being bystanders to a movement for justice for women, for men, for children, for all of us on our endangered planet. There are many places along the continuum of social change for men to join in; looking inward, at home, in our relationships, pushing past our resistance to examine our privilege, is a rich place to begin. VM

VoiceMaleeditorRobOkuncanbereached at raokun@mrcforchange.org.

Table of Contents Features Double Play: Gabe and Lisa Kapler Take the Field Against Domestic Violence . . . . . . . 8

By Rob Okun Why Men and Women Must Work Together to End Domestic Violence . . . . . . 10

By Marian Kent The Long Road Back From Abuse . . . . . . . . 12

By Rob Okun

Voice Male

Columns & Opinion From the Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 Mail Bonding . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 Men @ Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 ColorLines . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 Lessons From Grand-Jack

By Haji Shearer OutLines . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 On The Border: A Eunuch’s Tale

By Richard Wassersug GBQ Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 Men’s Health . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 What Men Can Do: Preventing Prostate and Testicular Cancer Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Calendar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Thank You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 MRC Programs & Services . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27

Masculinity redefined...New visions of manhood...

Men overcoming isolation...

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Ride the waves of changing ideas about men with Voice Male to keep your balance.

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VOICE MALE is published quarterly by the Men’s Resource Center for Change, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002. It is mailed to donors and subscribers in the U.S., Canada, and overseas and distributed at select locations around New England.

The opinions expressed in VOICE MALE may not represent the views of all staff, board, volunteers, or members of the Men’s Resource Center for Change.

Subscriptions:Forsubscriptioninformation,call(413) 253-9887,ext.16,orgotowww.mrcforchange.organd follow the links to subscribe to VOICE MALE. Advertising: For VOICE MALE advertising rates and deadlines, call (413) 253-9887, ext. 25.

Submissions: The editors welcome letters, articles, news items, article ideas and queries, and informationabouteventsofinterest.Weencourageunsolicited manuscripts,butcannotberesponsiblefortheirloss.

Manuscriptssentthroughthemailwillberesponded to and returned if accompanied by a self-addressed stampedreturnenvelope.Sendarticlesandqueriesto Editors, VOICE MALE, 236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA01002,ore-mailtovoicemale@mrcforchange.org.

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M ail B onding We Want to Hear from You! Write us at:

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MRC 236 N orth P leasant S t .

A mherst , MA 01002 or Fax (413) 253-4801 voicemale@mrcforchange.org Please include address and phone. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.

Deadline for Winter issue: November 25, 2005

Brainstorming for Change I received my first issue of Voice Male and wanted to drop a line to voice my enthusiasm at discovering this community of men working toward positive change.Two other men and I, one School of Public and Environmental Affairs graduate school intern and one social work major, have scheduled a meeting at our place of work and have invited all the men that work there to join us in brainstorming and spitballing ideas about what we’d like to see in a men’s group and what functions we’d like it to serve. I don’t (yet) know a lot about the Men’s Resource Center but so far it looks like just the thing our community needs, and my two cents will include a pitch to at the very least explore the work the MRC for Change and Voice Male do as a point of departure.

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Curtis Swedran Bloomington, Ind.

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The Global Chest of Drawers I received Voice Male through my good friend Gretchen Craig and read it with much interest, as a young sociologist who has just spent several months studying the process of implicit discrimination toward immigrants in a Paris neighborhood.

At first, I was surprised by the magazine’s point of view, in which I see a sense of community that is different from the French notion. Traditionally in France we have tried not to separate our population into

communities of sex, religion, skin color, sexual behavior: we used to talk about the “French pattern of integration.” Any kind of difference was not to concern public and global matters but was relegated to private life. But for several years, this pattern has been facing a crisis. The American pattern of community is settling into our French society, which is a cause of fear among the intellectuals: a dangerous “social fracture” appeared, resulting in an individualization of interest, putting people into locked drawers depending on their real, desired, or imagined affinities.

The sense of exclusion dramatically increased: a vicious form of exclusion, neither admitted nor faced, whose victims are mainly immigrants and their children, women and youth.

Will society take its people more into account if they are joining a community in which they recognize themselves, their problems and their wishes? People suffering from exclusion believe in this new power of community action, through which they feel less alone. But in fact this evolution is deeply questioning everyone’s complex identity and the paradoxical need of recognition in an excluding society.

We are not only male or female, black or white, educated or not, heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual or any kind of difference some may create to separate humans.

Dividing has always been the best way to rule. We don’t belong to just one or two drawers—we are the whole chest of drawers. As citizens in a given society, we should feel concerned by the major issues our society faces. Therefore we have to face our political responsibility with our votes, our voices. That will lead us to more constructive directions than taking on a constant position of victim. We are actors, but only if we all choose to be part of this world.

I am still skeptical about limited community actions, which to me separate people from each other on the basis of fake or created differences. I still believe there is another way to manage our differences, so we can live all together. But I wish to give Voice Male my support for your global action, because whatever males’issues are, I make them mine as I make the choice to be a responsible citizen, a responsible person in a shared world. VM Adelaide Donon Paris, France

M en @ W ork A Blog for the “Uncommon Man”

Peaceful Images 365 Days of the Year

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he Men’s Resource Center for Change and Men’s Resources International are collaborating on a new project—“The Uncommon Man,” a regularly updated pro-feminist weblog exploring issues of being a man through the lenses of science, politics, pop culture, and people’s personal experiences and opinions. The site is located at the Men’s Resources International website and is overseen by MRC associate director Russell Bradbury-Carlin.

Recent posts include articles on how use of laptops may lower your sperm count, whether fathers can get postpartum depression, the issue of rape in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, and “Training Husbands Like Dogs.” Check out this new blog at: http://uncommonman.mensresourcesinternational.org/.

Marriage Stress During Wartime

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he 2006 Peace Calendar is a stunning collection of images from the natural environment produced by nature photographer and psychotherapist Charlie Hertan (also an occasional Voice Male contributing writer). “In addition to Charlie’s breathtaking photographs, the calendar features quotes from Howard Zinn, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and Noam Chomsky, among others,” according to Michael Dover, development director of the Men’s Resource Center for Change. To see images from it, go to www.charliehertanphotography.com.

Charlie has selected the Men’s Resource Center for Change as sole recipient of proceeds from calendar sales which retail for $15. To find out how you can sell a few, or to simply buy one for yourself, Dover advises contacting the MRC’s Gretchen Craig at (413) 253-9887 ext. 16, or gcraig@mrcforchange.org.

from the stresses of the battlefield.

Infidelity. Infidelity, or worry about it, is a common stress in military marriages.

A soldier is less likely to cheat if there is no history of infidelity in his or her family, and the unit commander and fellow soldiers set high standards of conduct. It helps to discuss ground rules and expectations about fidelity before a partner is deployed.

Abuse. The outbreak of domestic violence upon reintegration with the family can shatter a marriage. Data have shown that a positive resolution for both husband and wife is more likely when the violence is reported and the unit commander gets involved.

Narayan’s book is scheduled for release November 1.

“I Will Not Kill” Campaign

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s recruiting numbers fall, the U.S. military is stepping up efforts to entice youth to join its ranks.

Meanwhile, a new “I Will Not Kill” campaign is an effort to educate youth about the reality of war and their right to say no to killing.

The “I Will Not Kill” campaign aims to educate high school and college age youth, especially youth of color and youth in rural and impoverished white communities. Among its goals: raising awareness about war resistance, educating youth about the impacts of war, opposing a future draft, dismantling the selective service system and promoting a culture of life. In addition, it promotes continued on page 6

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he institution of marriage appears to be yet another casualty of the military conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The U.S. Army says that compared with 2003, last year’s divorce rate among officers was up 78 percent, and up 28 percent for enlisted personnel. Although the factors that affect the divorce rate among military couples are similar to those for non-military divorce rates, the situations can be more acute.

According to Seetha Narayan, author of the forthcoming Complete Idiot’s Guide to Long-Distance Relationships, there are four primary stresses that contribute to divorce among military couples: Finances. Young military couples tend to have less financial experience, and many go into debt during their military service. It helps to have a financial plan early on, so couples can avoid unnecessary tension.

Communicationissues.Communication about everyday matters is most helpful when it’s about achievements and other news, less helpful when it’s about daily problems and issues that the deployed partner may find a jarring disconnect

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Men @ Work continued from page 5

conscientious objection to war as a positive alternative to violence and a way to strengthen and uplift communities and all of civil society.

A conscientious objector is a person who objects to participation in all forms of war and whose stance is based on an ethical, moral, or religious belief system.

The “I Will Not Kill” campaign stresses that to be a CO, one does not have to be a pacifist or believe in God. Neither does one have to oppose the use of violence in personal self-defense, but one must oppose participating in all wars.

The “I Will Not Kill” campaign is sponsored by the Fellowship of Reconciliation.

For more information on the campaign, go to http://www.iwillnotkill.org/ or http://www.forusa.org/. For more information about CO registration, see the

Art Exhibit and Auction to Benefit MRC

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nterested in supporting men’s work? You may want to attend an upcoming art exhibit and auction to benefit the Men’s Resource Center for Change,Voice Male’s publisher.“This is an exhibit and auction for everyone.” said Gretchen Craig, an auction organizer. “If you’re interested in buying beautiful holiday gifts and supporting the MRC at the same time, you’ll want to bid on the great art, pottery, photography,wearableart,andotherpieces we have at the exhibit,” Craig said.

The exhibit, at the A.P.E. Gallery at Thornes Marketplace, Northampton, Mass., will be up for silent auction bidding beginning November 29 and continuing through the live auction Saturday evening, December 3. The exhibit will feature works by scores of well-known artists including Barry Moser, Leonard Baskin, Greg Gillespie, Robin Freedenfeld, Jane Lund, Jane Dyer, and Clemens Kalischer, among many others. To learn more about the exhibit and art auction, contact Craig at (413) 253-9887 ext. 16, or gcraig@mrcforchange.org.

informative PDF from the Center on Conscience & War at http://www.centeronconscience.org/literature/COandDraft. pdf or go to http://www.objector.org/ website and newsletter/.

Batterer Intervention Coming of Age

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hile the concept is no doubt familiar to many readers of Voice Male, the field of batterer intervention is relatively new within the bigger picture of domestic violence intervention and prevention. There are many ways of approaching this work, which has also led to controversies and tensions within the DV universe. Many questions remain without clear answers, including: How do you define success? Is it a success when the batterer is not arrested again, or only when he is completely free of controlling behaviors? Can women be batterers, and what type of treatment should be offered to them? Is there a one-size-fits-all model of batterer intervention, or is it appropriate to have different models for those of different cultures?

The first major batterers’ intervention conference in many years, “From Roots to Wings: The Future of Batterer Intervention” convenes in Detroit in November. The conference is designed to explore some of the above issues and others and to be a gathering of voices from the DV work community. Staff from the Men’s Resource Center for Change’s Moving Forward program are presenting two workshops on follow-up and partner programs. Look for news of the gathering in an upcoming issue of Voice Male.

TheconferencerunsNovember2–4atthe Detroit Marriott at the Renaissance Center.

Formoreinformation,seetheCalendarsection on page 24, or go to http://www.biscmi.org/documents/biscmi10thconference. html, e-mail dgarvin@csswashtenaw.org, or call (517) 482-3933.

More Accurate Prostate Testing?

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blood test revealing the body’s natural defense against malignant cells offers doctors a clue in more accurately detecting prostate cancer, the New England Journal of Medicine reported at the end of September. If further studies indicate the initial test is accurate it could replace the standard diagnostic procedure, which is wrong up to four fifths of the time. Kenneth Pienta, professor of medicine and urology at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, says the new test can use the same blood sample provided for the more conventional PSA test. It correctly spotted 82 percent of prostate tumors and accurately ruled out cancer 88 percent of the time.

Promoting Strength, Not Violence, for Young Men

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new campaign in California seeks to engage young men aged 14–18 and make them part of a solution to prevent sexual violence. The “MyStrength Campaign,” a multimillion-dollar initiative unveiled in Sacramento in September, is a project of the California Coalition Against Sexual Assault (CALCASA), a statewide organization working to end sexual violence.

The largest campaign of its kind in the United States, according to CALCASA, the MyStrength Campaign centers around the theme, “My Strength Is Not for Hurting,” emphasizing healthy relationships and empowering young men to maintain their strength and masculinity without using coercion, intimidation, force, or violence.

The campaign seeks to encourage men to play a vital role in creating a safe environment for their relationships and reinforces the idea that men can put an end to sexual violence.

“The MyStrength Campaign is an important step forward in sexual violence preventionbecauseitproactivelyengages men as a part of the solution,” said Ellen Yin-Wycoff, CALCASA’s interim executive director. “The campaign is careful to not blame young men for sexual violence, but rather enlists their help in prevention efforts and encourages them to take responsibility and find solutions.

Teaching Boys What Not to Hit

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he Family Violence Prevention Fund (FVPF) has unveiled a new series

of television and radio public service announcementsencouragingmentocommunicate to boys that violence against women is wrong.

Part of the organization’s “Coaching Boys into Men” initiative, the PSAs focus on the role men can play in shaping boys’ attitudes toward women and girls. The campaign targets men, including fathers, coaches, teachers, uncles, brothers and mentors, who spend time with preteen and teenage boys.

The “Father and Son” spot will feature vignettes of a father and son playing different sports together with the narrator saying, “You taught him how to hit the strike zone, a nine-iron, the net, the open man.” At the end, a narrator says, “But how much time have you spent teaching him what not to hit?” It uses the tag line, “All Violence Against Women Is Wrong. Teach Early.” The radio version is available in Spanish and English. The TV spot is only in English.

“We hope men’s organizations and initiatives will use the PSAs as part of DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonthcam-

paigns and other outreach efforts,” said the Family Violence Prevention Fund’s Juan Carlos Areán. Groups interested in receiving free copies of the PSAs and an accompanying media kit to reach major media outlets should contact the FVPF’s Leiana Kinnicutt at (415) 252-8900 ext 15 or leiana@endabuse.org. VM

M en @ W ork

Ultimately, sexual violence can be prevented and men can make a difference in ending rape.”

Actor Dorian Gregory, from TV’s Charmed, Soul Train, and The Other Half, was on hand at the campaign’s launch to lend his support to the prevention effort.

“The MyStrength Campaign [is] important because [it is] truly taking sexual violence education to the next level by involving young men in a solution,” said Gregory. “It’s crucial that men demonstrate strength of character in their relationships, rather than apply their strength and masculinity to physical domination and force. By using strength for respect and maintaining healthy relationships, we will make a giant step toward solving this serious issue.”

For more information, log on to http://www.calcasa.org or http://www. mystrength.org.

MRC for Change on the Web: Surf Our Turf (Again)!

New look, new logo— same innovative programs! www.mrcforchange.org (www.mensresourcecenter.org will still bring you to our site)

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Photo courtesy of Gabe and Lisa Kapler

Gabe and Lisa Kapler Take the Field Against Domestic Violence O K U N

abe Kapler has been saying no to domestic abuse for a long time. Taking that stance, the Boston Red Sox outfielder says, was a natural outgrowth of the values he was raised with by activist parents in Los Angeles. Earlier this year he put his beliefs into practice, establishing a foundation committed to supporting victims of domestic violence and modeling for boys a healthy brand of masculinity. He is committed to seeing the foundation’s vision grow.

Followers of baseball probably know that in mid-September, in the thick of the American League East pennant race, Gabe ruptured his left Achilles tendon roundingsecondbaseinatiegameagainst Toronto. His season ended abruptly. While he returned home to Los Angeles for surgery and recuperation, his injury has not sidelined him from pursuing his commitment to the mission of the foundation that bears his name.

Projects the Kapler Foundation is currently supporting include procuring playground equipment and additional childcare for a Los Angeles battered

women’s shelter and piloting a collaborationbetween a Massachusetts shelter, Safe Passage of Northampton, and the Men’s Resource Center for Change, publisher of Voice Male.

“The grant,” foundation co-founder and administrator Judy Kapler says, “will allow men from the Men’s Resource Center to serve as positive role models, spending time with boys in the shelter who have witnessedorexperienceddomesticabuse.

We want to facilitate all children growing up with healthy ideas about men.” Judy Kapler, who is Gabe’s mother, holds a master’s degree in child development and has been teaching, directing, counseling, and advocating for children for a quarter century. (See sidebar, page 17, and www. kaplerfoundation.org.)

Gabe Kapler began to seriously think about the issue of dating violence when he was a senior in high school and had begun dating his future wife, Lisa. They were both 17. With great difficulty, Lisa had recently extricated herself from a relationship in which she’d been physically and emotionally abused by an older student.

Meeting Gabe, a star on the school’s baseball team, was eye-opening, she recalled.

Even though she was vulnerable and in the early stages of recovering from her ordeal, she recognized that Gabe represented “a role model for what a healthy relationship could be.”

Lisa and Gabe married in 1999 and have two sons, ages three and six. They live in Los Angeles, but during the season lead a baseball family’s nomadic life.

Since becoming a major leaguer, Gabe has played for the Detroit Tigers, Texas Rangers, and Colorado Rockies. He was traded to the Red Sox halfway through the 2003 season. Gabe was in right field when Boston recorded the final out against the St. Louis Cardinals last season to win the World Series for the first time in 86 years.

He started the 2005 season as the center fielder on the Yomiuri Giants in Japan but was unhappy there. He was able to return to the Red Sox at the end of July, playing frequently until he was injured.

The idea for the Kapler Foundation, something Gabe and Lisa had been considering, got a jump start in June 2004 when the Red Sox Wives were preparing a “Picnic in the Park,” an annual event raising money for a non-profit organization and the Red Sox Foundation. When Lisa

tery charges. They ordered him to attend anger management classes and let him go at the end of the season (see Voice Male Fall 1997). More recently, Northeastern University’s Center for the Study of Sport in Society began offering their Mentors in Violence Prevention program (MVP) to Sox minor league players, an effort piloted last March at the club’s spring training headquarters in Fort Meyers, Florida.

MVPteachesstrategiesplayerscanemploy to handle challenging social situations without resorting to violence. The New England Patriots have been using the program for more than seven years.

When people ask me

“What can I do to help?”

I say, if you have children, teach them—just set a good example. That’s more important than anything else— having a good relationship with your spouse in front of your child.

Peter Roby, the center’s executive director, cited Lisa’s story and Gabe’s role in her healing when he approached the Red Sox about working with MVP. “That was a perfect example of how guys, sensitive and loving, can change lives,” he told The Boston Globe’s Gordon Edes.“She was in a relationship that was bad, she met [Gabe], and he helped to turn her whole life around.”

To find out more about his views on masculinity and the new foundation, among other questions, I interviewed Gabe Kapler just after Labor Day, before he headed to Fenway Park to prepare for a game.

Can you talk about what you see as the responsibilityofathletestospeakoutagainst domestic violence?

Pro athletes have a responsibility, regardless of the cause, to help people in less fortunate situations than they are in, whether financially, donating time, giving autographs, whatever. There are many importantcauses—domesticviolencejust happened to hit home with my family. It’s

an incredible platform for me as a positive role model, presenting myself as a male who is a strong advocate of having a healthy relationship.

What was it in your makeup in high school thatledyoutorespondthewayyoudidwhen youmetLisaandlearnedaboutherprevious abusive relationship?

It’stoughbecausetherearesomanyfacets.

I had two parents who have open communication in their relationship. Like anyone, their relationship may not have been perfect. But there was never any lack of verbal communication—that was always present in our house. I noticed with Lisa that was a hurdle early in our relationship.

I knew the relationship she had prior to me was a violent one, and that she was a little bit violent herself. I think that was an eye-opening experience for me. I had parents who would not let emotions simmer, they got everything out right away. I watched that as a child growing up. From what I saw it was always verbal, and more times than not in an effort to resolve an issue they would use words rather than being abusive.

A year and a half ago came the Picnic in the Park, and Lisa began speaking out. How do you feel about what she’s doing, about her voiceasanempoweredwomanandtheroad she’s been traveling?

I think it’s great that she has the courage to tell her story. Because she is very charismatic—when she speaks, people listen.

She has that gift. It was so important for her to tell her story. She was always very emotional about it, which is great. It’s powerful—the sadness, anger, emotion coming in, telling her story to teenage girls or whoever may be listening. I think we both realize that it’s our responsibility to be able to share, not only financially, but to have a hands-on experience with it, which becomes so rewarding. It makes our lives better.

Talk about the idea of organizing the Gabe Kapler Foundation.

We had talked many times over the course of the last three or four years about how we could contribute financially, kicking around the idea of working with several continued on page 16

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learnedthattherecipientorganizationwas Jane Doe, Inc., the Massachusetts coalition of battered women’s shelters and sexual assaultpreventioncenters,shedecidedthe moment had arrived to share her secret.

Prior to the picnic, a representative from Jane Doe met with the wives at Fenway Park. During the meeting the Jane Doe official caught everyone off guard, revealing that one of their own had been a victim of dating violence. That was Lisa’s cue. It was the first step in telling her story.

She didn’t offer details then, a story in The Boston Globe published last summer reported. But as she thought about it more she felt a strong pull to go public. Lisa says she wanted to show“that this can happen to a girl from a suburban family with two parents.” Popular, a member of the high school drill team, a student with good friends and good grades, she says she“was raised by a mom and stepfather who were loving with each other. I never witnessed abuse of any kind.”

At the picnic I met Lisa and described the work of the MRC, including giving her avideoabouttheorganization.Aftergoing home and watching the tape, Lisa says she was excited about the center’s work. Five days later she and her two young sons drove out from Boston to visit the MRC. “When I first started to speak out I was aware that I didn’t have any information about what men were doing to challenge domestic violence,” Lisa said recently. “I knew there was something missing.When I watched the video and met with the folks at the MRC, I knew I had another important piece of the puzzle. Gabe and I have been really glad to be collaborating with the MRC.”That collaboration has included Gabe and Lisa’s sponsorship two years in a row of the MRC’s annual Men’s Walk to End Abuse, including facilitating publicity for the walk on radio and television broadcasts of Red Sox games, as well as postings on the video message center that hovers above the Fenway Park outfield.

For its part, the Boston Red Sox, along with its many involvements in the local community and with groups around New England, has found a place for continuing to pay attention to the domestic violence issue. The Sox had to deal with the issue in 1997, when former outfielder Wil Cordero was arrested on domestic assault and bat-

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Why Men and Women Must Work Together to End Domestic Violence

By Marian Kent

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“If we want to truly end domestic violence,men and women must begin to work together. And not just token collaboration here or there, either—true partnership, true commitment is required.”

Photo by Tom Chen

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istorically, the battered women’s movement has been just that—a movement consisting of women counseling and sheltering, advocating and agitating, in support of and on behalf of other women who have been abused. In the process of building this movement, women have created a highly effective national network to achieve safety for themselves and their children and to remake their lives. At the same time, pro-feminist men committed to ending violence have worked with other men, in consciousness-raising groups, through education and batterers’ intervention programs, to support men and challenge violence.

As effective as these movements have been, the still alarming rate of domestic violence incidents and casualties requires us to think and act differently.

If we want to truly end domestic violence, men and women must begin to work together. And not just token collaboration here or there, either— true partnership, true commitment is required.

Imagine men and women, families, youth and elders, people of different cultures and groups—entire communities—coming forward together to reject violence. Imagine a community taking the position that no matter what its members might be facing, no matter their problems or stresses or hardships, using violence against a loved one is not the answer. Imagine people being supported in their times of crisis so that they have alternatives to battering as a means of grasping for power. Imagine couples and families, where safety allows, being supported in working through their issues together, transforming their relation-

Rob Okun, executive director of The Men’s Resource Center for Change and Marian Kent, executive director of Safe Passage.

ships, and remaining together instead of separating.

This is the vision Safe Passage, the battered women’s organization I direct in Northampton, Massachusetts, and the Men’s Resource Center for Change, colleagues headquartered in nearby Amherst, share as we commit to a new, historic partnership, working closely together toward truly ending family violence. Recognizing that most of the work of each of our organizations has been focused on intervention, we plan to focus on prevention, in addition to the crucial services we are already providing.

Until now, Safe Passage’s safety and intervention work has by necessity usually required a focus on separation—supporting women in leaving their abusers and starting fresh from a secure place. Although the MRC’s batterer intervention work through its Moving Forward program (formerly MOVE) makes no assumptions about the partner leaving or staying in the relationship, it is not uncommon for the MRC to be working with the men after their partners have left. Because both organizations have made a strong

commitment to women’s safety and to ending men’s violence against women, we know that some members of our community perceive both of us as “antimale” or “anti-family.” In order for these perceptions to change and in order for us to reach everyone in the community who needs our services, we need to transform our approach to families and communities.

Where in the past women—and women’s groups—may have been skeptical about working with men against battering, Safe Passage now sees working together as vital to ending domestic violence and in fact to the health of the movement. We are clear that women and men must work together in order to respond to people and families holistically. Our commitment is strong, as indicated by these new developments: Safe Passage has recently hired our first-ever male staff member—our new volunteer coordinator. Also in recent months, our board of directors took the historic step of changing its bylaws to include men as members.

The plan for Safe Passage and the Men’s Resource Center for Change moving forward together includes engaging

citizens in identifying which strategies will work for specific communities— strategies for engaging both men and women to take a stand against violence. We are identifying new ways of working together to provide services to intact families in their communities—to transform our services for families and communities.

An exciting project we are developing together is called “Supporting Boys from Safe Passage House.” This pilot program will send MRC staff members into Safe Passage’s domestic violence shelter to provide services for boys currently or formerly residing there.

This project recognizes that for the sons of women who are survivors of domestic violence, the journey to healthy manhood is bound to be especially difficult.

Boys whose mothers flee abuse with their children and take refuge in a battered women’s shelter may have scant opportunity for positive experiences with men. The behavior the boys have witnessed—usually, their dads abusing their moms—reflects the worst aspects of men’s socialization: too many men act violently, in part to mask their own hurt, fear, and confusion. These boys are vulnerable and at significant risk.

Our project is an attempt to reflect and model positive male behavior and relationships with men, so that these precious boys will grow up to be loving, nurturing partners and fathers themselves.

In the end, it’s such a simple question with an obvious answer: Aren’t we stronger and more effective working together? Isn’t the community better and more holistically served when men and women unite against abuse?

Absolutely. We are truly excited about working closely with our allies and friends at the Men’s Resource Center for Change—and with men, women, and families—to create a community where violence is not the answer. VM

10 Ways Men Can Challenge Domestic Violence 1.

Challenging domestic violence starts with ourselves. We need to honestly examine our own attitudes and actions that perpetuate sexism and violence and work toward changing them.

2.

Be honest. Expect to make mistakes.

3.

Create support systems with other men who are willing to examine these issues.

4.

Think individually and with other men about the components of a healthy relationship.

5.

Think individually and with other men about what it means to be “masculine.” How do we expand that definition to include a greater range of human experience?

6.

Read about and learn from others about domestic violence.

Remember: it is not about anger, it is about power and control. It is about fear and involves more than physical and verbal abuse.

7.

Ask other men specifically about their behaviors, particularly if you have any reason to suspect violence. Help them define those actions and attitudes as dangerous, let them know that you do not support and will not tolerate any behaviors that demean women or Are abusive.

Try to find ways to do this that connect you to the person in a caring, direct manner.

8.

Remember that anytime someone makes a sexist comment or refers uncritically to violence against women and no one says anything about it—they are essentially condoning the comment.

9.

Volunteer your time or donate money to organizations that work to end domestic violence.

10.

Get involved. Discuss, educate, organize.

—Russell Bradbury Carlin, Director, Moving Forward program, Men’s Resource Center for Change.

Adapted from “How Men Can Challenge Rape” by Tom Schiff.

FALL 2005 •

Marian Kent is the executive director of Safe Passage, the battered women’s agency serving Hampshire County, Massachusetts.

11

Encouraging Men to Change

The Long Road Back from Abuse

By Rob Okun

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12

ake no mistake. There is no excuse, ever, for anyone—male or female—to abuse another human being.

It’s also true that most men don’t act abusively. Still, too many men do, and their behavior has a ripple effect—violence in the home is directly connected to violence in the world. That understanding guides the work of a growing number of men’s centers and initiatives around the U.S. and the world, including Voice Male’s publisher, the Men’s Resource Center for Change (MRC).

It explains why this growing coalition believes domestic abuse is a men’s issue, a fathers’ issue, a coaches’ and teachers’ issue. Men have a lot to gain from taking the issue on.

Every week in pockets around the U.S., programs like the MRC’s Moving Forward run groups for men who’ve acted abusively. These groups, often co-led by a man and a woman, teach practical strategies the men can employ as an alternative to lashing out. Participants come mandated by the court or “voluntarily”—some of the latter have been urged to enroll by an at-her-wits’-end partner, a therapist, a relative or friend.

It is demanding work, and progress is slow. How could it be otherwise—undoing 30 or 40 years of ingrained behaviors in 30 or 40 weeks? But the rewards are priceless.

I remember a man in one of the groups I led I’ll call “Jimmy” who, besides being emotionally abusive to his wife, was also physically abusing his teenage son. One night, in the group, Jimmy had a memory come back to him, strong and clear.

“I was seven and a bigger kid would terrorize me after school, choking me,” he shared. “My dad used to pick me up but usually he’d arrive after the bully had left. I was too ashamed to tell him what

“My dad yelled to me—and I’ll never forget it—‘Push his face in the ground. Make him eat dirt!’ That was what I was taught. That’s why I think it’s okay to beat the crap out of my son. Why did it take 37 years before I realized how screwed up my thinking has been?” was happening, afraid of what he’d say.

One day he came early and witnessed the bully grabbing me around the neck.

When he let me go, instead of comforting me, my father glared and said, ‘Go back and hit him! Knock him down. Let him have it!’ Even though he was bigger, I was full of adrenaline and fear, so I knocked the bully down and got on top of him and whaled away. My dad yelled to me—and I’ll never forget it—‘Push his face in the ground. Make him eat dirt!’”

At that moment, Jimmy began to shake and the tears came. All eyes in the group were on him. When his sobbing had subsided, he looked up and said, “That was what I was taught. That’s why I think it’s okay to beat the crap out of my son.” And then he said quietly, “Why did it take 37 years before I realized how screwed up my thinking has been?”

Of the hundreds of men who have come through our program, most do stop their physical violence. Some come to understand the damage their emotional and verbal abuse causes and learn to curb it. Sadly, some take little away from the tool kit of strategies we offer.

Over the years, former members have written us letters of appreciation. Some have been ordered back or have voluntarily returned to the program. In a few instances, they have written stories for Voice Male.

In the Spring 2005 issue, Jake Asbin, a man serving a 12-month jail sentence

on a domestic assault and battery charge, wrote remorsefully about abusing his wife of 12 years and his “stupidity” in throwing “away a comfortable…happy lifestyle.” He asked: “How could I resort to being violent instead of knowing how to communicate my anger? How did I allow my anger to consume me? Why did I hurt the one person who mattered so much to me?”

“I guess I’m seeking redemption,” he continued. “I hope so—I have quite a lot to atone for…I have learned and appreciated the [Moving Forward group] the most…I guess every man dreams of a second chance. I hope I will get that chance someday, when I finally forgive myself. Until that happens, however, I must always take full responsibility for what I did.”

In November, hundreds of people who work with men acting abusively in programsaroundtheUnitedStatesandabroad will convene in Detroit for a major batterers’ intervention conference. What they have come to understand is that the road backfromabuseandtowardaccountability is arduous, long and winding. But those who have walked it for decades now know that it’s a journey worth taking. VM Rob Okun is executive director of the Men’s Resource Center for Change and the editor of Voice Male. A version of this column originallyappearedintheSeptemberissue of The Women’s Times.

Looking to Connect?

Saying Yes to Nonviolence

Try the MRC’s Drop-in

I

am a male anthropologist teaching at a university in Sendai, Japan, a northern city on the island of Honshu. I am married and have a son. I have been actively involved in the Japanese grassroots movement confronting domestic violence and other forms of violence against women for some time.

Violence against women is as rampant in Japan as in the United States. Like many of you reading this, no doubt, I was forced by my feminist friends to confront male perpetrators of violence: “After all,” they said, “you are a man too, aren’t you? Do something about those violent guys!” Partly as a result, I took a four-day course on counseling batterers at Emerge in Cambridge, Mass., in 2001, and have been in regular touch with the Men’s Resource Center for Change for more than three years now.

Recently, I had to help my son write an essay on peace. We went on the Internet and found out that the United Nations had declared 2001–2010 as the International Decade for a Culture of Peace and Non-violence for the children of the world. UNESCO is mainly in charge of the related activities, and they are calling for people to sign Manifesto 2000 for a culture of peace and nonviolence, a six-point pledge drafted by a group of Nobel Peace Prize recipients. The six key points of the Manifesto are:

MEN’S SUPPORT GROUPS

IN NORTHAMPTON

Open to all men.

Tuesdays, 6:45-8:45 PM Council on Aging, 240 Main St. IN AMHERST

Open to all men.

Sundays, 7-9 PM at the MRC IN GREENFIELD

Respect all life

Open to all men.

Wednesdays, 7-9 PM Network Chiropractic, DHJones Building, Mohawk Trail

Reject violence Share with others Listen to understand

FOR GAY, BISEXUAL & QUESTIONING MEN

Preserve the planet Rediscover solidarity

—Ichiro Numazaki

FOR MEN WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED CHILDHOOD NEGLECT AND/OR ABUSE

Open to all men who have experienced any form of childhood neglect and/or abuse (physical, emotional or sexual) Fridays, 7-8:30 PM, at the MRC FACILITATED BY TRAINED VOLUNTEERS FREE & CONFIDENTIAL

MEN’S RESOURCE CENTER 236 N. PLEASANT ST., AMHERST

(413) 253-9887, ext. 10 aarnaboldi@mrcforchange.org

FALL 2005 •

It is so ironic—no, tragic—that the decade for peace and nonviolence started with September 11, 2001, and the subsequent retaliatory violence by the United States and its allies (including Japan). And halfway through this decade, we have seen nothing but violence on a global scale.

We have to do something to change the global culture of violence to a culture of peace, but how can we do so if we grow up in violent families?

Nurturing and fostering a culture of peace must begin in our homes, and that means we have to do something about abuse in our homes.

This may be no suprise to American readers of Voice Male, but it’s real fresh news here in Japan.

My son and I both signed the Manifesto. I think it’s a good start. Now we have to keep the six pledges in our home, our neighborhood, our country, and beyond. I would like to invite you to do the same.

Manifesto 2000 was publicly unveiled on March 4, 1999, in Paris, and has been signed by many people around the world, including such luminaries as the Dalai Lama, Rigoberta Menchu, Elie Wiesel, Desmond Tutu, Vaclav Havel, and Coretta Scott King. To add your signature and your support and for more information on this important document, visit the UNESCO website (http://www3.unesco.org/iycp/uk/uk_sommaire.htm).

Open to all gay, bisexual, gay-identified F-to-M trans men & men questioning orientation Mondays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC

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By Haji Shearer

M

y grandfather-in-law died last week. I’ve been thinking about what his life meant to me. He was married and divorced three times. A smart man, he clearly had a desireforconnectedness,butneverfigured out how to make intimacy work. That he kept trying I find admirable, but I’m saddened that the simple tools that might have saved any of his marriages were not available or attractive enough to be of use to him—skills like reflective listening, creative problem solving, and surrendering to the highest truth.

Grand-Jack did not suffer fools gladly.

I never thought of him as mean, but“gruff” and “ornery” definitely fit. He was in many ways a “man’s man,” a product of his times.

He was what I think of as a “World War Two Negro.” Educated in segregated schools in Boston, served in a segregated Navy, one of the few blacks at Northeastern University in the 1950s, the only black draftsman at a major architectural firm for most of his 20year tenure—and still he managed to love America and her institutions.

The impact of race and gender on African-American relationships is important, and often understated. How did the racism that Grand-Jack endured in school, the military, and at work contribute to his tendency to be short-tempered and impatient with loved ones? How did the patriarchal culture of the military that he loved shut down some of his innate tenderness and compassion?That he was violated by ubiquitous racist prejudices and misled by a toxic patriarchy I have no doubt. My question is, how did that affect his three marriages and his subsequent estrangement from his only child?

Grand-Jack valued discipline and his lifelong attraction to the military only added to his proclivity to be rigid and stone-faced, even when a situation called for openness

“How did the racism that Grand-Jack endured in school, the military, and at work contribute to his tendency to be shorttempered and impatient with loved ones?”

Photo courtesy of Haji Shearer

C olor L ines

Lessons from Grand-Jack

The author’s wife, Jasmin, with her late grandfather, known as “Grand-Jack.”

and flexibility. Being the only black in a whiteprofessionalenvironment,especially during the fifties and sixties when integration was an unfamiliar practice in this country, necessitated creating and maintaining sophisticated masks. How difficult was it to remove those masks at home when dealing with a wife and daughter?

When I began to visit Grand-Jack in the early 1990s, the three marriages were behind him. He had been a bachelor for 20 years and had no contact with his only child, my mother-in-law. Neither did I win easy acceptance from him. To GrandJack, the dreadlocks that hung halfway down my back identified me as an enemy of his value system. I didn’t share his high regard for the military, and his assumption that I used illegal intoxicants was correct, nor could I even claim to be a jazz aficionado like him, but I had one ace in the hole. By a wonderful synchronicity, Grand-Jack and my parents had been good friends before I was born. So even if I had strayed from the path, he reasoned that I came from good stock and thus cut me some slack.

Although he would not say it and acted as if it were not so, I believe Grand-Jack still craved connectedness. And, if it seemed to him as if all his progeny were growing dreadlocks, using drugs, and thinking seditious thoughts, I had another characteristic in my favor. I was a man, and understood masculine culture. Certainly I was not the type of man Grand-Jack would have

designed for a son or grandson, but I was what he had, and I understood the patriarchy he loved more than the females in our family. Although I no longer practiced patriarchy uncritically, I still had empathy for his loyalty to it.

My wife and I were welcome in his home, though he didn’t reach out to us except in times of crisis. When we visited him, the routine never varied. He’d greet us at the door, we’d initiate hugs (I’m sure he would have been content with a handshake from me), then he’d usher us into his sitting room. We’d sit on the faux red leather sofa and he’d rest his behind on the barstool in front of his well-equipped stereo cabinet, facing us across a coffee table. This allowed him to slightly bend his knees, retaining most of his standing height so he could lord over us while we reported our current subversive pursuits.

This may sound stuffy and formal, but there was an air of pantomime about it as well. It was clear to me that we were all playing roles expected of us, and while our lives may not have intersected at great length, this was an important and enjoyable ritual. Grand-Jack had a signature reaction to our exploits that I remember with great fondness. We’d be telling him why we didn’t eat meat, or how we were going on a meditation retreat, or any of the thousands of other ideas and behaviors that contradicted his value system, and he’d look at us in disbelief, make one of the disapprovinggruntsheliberallyemployed,

would go by the next week to pick them up. We had some nice conversations during those visits. It was easier to talk to him when my wife wasn’t around. A few months before he passed I asked what he thought happened after death. He told me nothing happened: this was it. No life, no thought, no awareness after death. I had to give him credit for consistency. Even staring death in the face, he refused to give in to whatheconsideredsentimentality.Ishared my view of the eternal life of the soul and the process of reincarnation allowing us to evolve into perfect union with our Creator.

He was silent. Maybe he was too weak or tired to give me the brushoff—or maybe a part of him hoped I was right.

The dozen or so family and friends who gathered at our home following his burial showed me another side of Grand-Jack.

There was the man who loved flashy cars, who loved to ride horses; who, even after the estrangement from his daughter, used to take younger family members to see the Blue Angels. But despite his success

overcoming racism, in the end it was his allegiance to patriarchy and its toxic residue that kept breaking his heart.

Sometimes, alone with Grand-Jack, I shared my own marriage challenges as I did with other male friends. It was clear he had no stomach for the dance of intimacy I was engaged in with his granddaughter; I believe at times he wanted to advise me to divorce her. Yet I hope he also saw the joy and deep communion that’s grown through our trials and apogees. Now and then, when I feel like Grand-Jack and just want to walk away, I see him with the walls around his heart, and I take a deep breath and listen to love. VM Haji Shearer is happily married (most of the time) to Jack Davis’s granddaughter, Jasmin. They live with their teenage son andpreteendaughter.Hajileadsworkshops for men and couples and is co-producing a documentaryfilm,ReconcilableDifferences: Men Learning to Love, to be released in early 2006.

FALL 2005 •

lift his hand to the height of his head and push the space in front of him as if he were pushing us away. At the same time, he’d turn his face away as if disgusted.

The whole series of actions took only a second and was a normal part of conversation with him. When his face turned back toward us, his gaze would be intense and he might offer a harsh explanation for his disapproval or he might just let the gesture stand by itself. In moments of clarity, I could discern a twinkle in his eye that acknowledged humor in the gesture, but there was an unmistakable honesty to it as well. I’m sure my wife and I, in our unabashed enthusiasm for the new and weird,sharedsomethoughtsthatdeserved the brushoff. At other times, I’m sure his disapproval was without merit. But our interactions with him lacked full emotional intimacy. There was an unspoken agreement that we would get only so close to avoid heated arguments. It would have been difficult for us to be truly intimate with him.

After we bought our first house last year, Grand-Jack called and said he wanted to see only me. This was unprecedented. Of course, I anticipated that he was going to give us some kind of gift for the house. As I sat on the sofa looking up at him, he asked how much closing costs were. I told him about $4000. From his pocket he produced a fat bank envelope, thrust it in front of me and demanded, “Count it.” It contained forty $100 bills.

After receiving my deep appreciation, he explained he was giving the money to me because he didn’t like the way his granddaughter handled money. (I had to agree she sometimes prioritized things I also felt were nonessential!) This transaction opened a new level of relationship between us. No longer did I feel that he was just Jasmin’s cranky granddad whom I visited out of respect for her. I now felt an independent obligation to him because of the generous gift.

After the move, our family no longer lived as close to Grand-Jack, but my job was still a few minutes away so I checked in on him more by myself. For five or six months, I visited Grand-Jack almost weekly. I dropped off war movies and dramas (he was partial to Denzel Washington) I borrowed for him from the library and

15

thatdomesticviolenceisnotjustawomen’s issue?It’struethatmostmenaredecentand notabusers,butwhat’stheirresponsibility?

That is my dad [you’re describing]. That is what he preached in my house. “This is our issue”—nonviolence, sexism, racism were huge issues in my house. My dad is, or was, a political activist and still has very strongfeelingsandgetsinvolved.Growing up, those are things my dad preached—he walked the walk also. He was involved in men’sgroups,talkingaboutfeelings,men’s issues, sexism… Growing up, I What do you see as the role of never realized the importance of fathers,teachingtheirsonstorespect listening to my dad talk about girlsandwomen—andotherboys this stuff. As an adult, you realize and men? how important your parents are.

To me, that is the most imporMy son Chase may not care that tant question, the most impormuch what I’m talking about, but tant aspect of all of this. When from a subconscious, subliminal people ask me “What can I do to standpoint it sinks in. From my help?” I say, if you have children, dad, it was all subliminal, but you’re going to teach them— now I get it, and I’m more comjust set a good example. That’s passionatewithoutevenknowing more important than anything it, because of that. I have so much else—having a good relationship respect for that, and appreciate with your spouse in front of your it so much. I think a lot of men Gabe and Lisa Kapler and their two sons, Chase and Dane, child—not to be separate, or try are close-minded because they celebrate after winning the World Series in 2004. to guard them from it, but let saw their dad beat up their mom, them watch that—when there’s they saw an abusive relationship, a conflict, great or small, in the Whatkindofinfluencedomaleproathletes whether verbal or physical. house. I watch my older son, almost six, have off the field? he hears everything, every conversation. From a celebrity standpoint, I believe there Your father was a music teacher…

His internal computer is firing away, and are a lot of positive male role models. I He was a piano teacher, always writing I have a responsibility, and his mother has don’t know that you see a lot of interaction music, always playing the piano. I remema responsibility as well, to work through between a father and son on TV, though. ber him starting a company to do perforproblems, verbally, not to give up, not hide I watch [father and son interaction] on a mances for kids, birthday parties, and he from them, but to be responsible. daily basis in the clubhouse, the different taught at the elementary school. That was approaches the guys take.The music that’s difficult for me. It’s always difficult for a Kidsareexposedtosomanyunhealthyimages always on in the clubhouse is interest- kid to have their mom or dad be a teacher inthisculture.Whatcouldprofessionalathletes ing—and how the guys try to shield their at their school. dotomodelsomethingdifferent?Sincechang- sons from the [harsher lyrics] or just say ingourideasaboutmen,redefiningmasculin- that’s what it’s like in the clubhouse and I Thelinebetweenbeingtoughandstrongand ity, is often seen as too“soft”for the public to don’t want you using these words outside. compassionateischallengingtowalk.Doyou accept, how do pro athletes walk that line? There’s a lot of very strong lyrics in our think your dad integrated that?

It’s tough. I have some very strong feelings clubhouse, whether it’s hip-hop or rock. I think he talked more about compassion about this particular issue. I don’t claim From a male role model standpoint I think than anything else… He wasn’t always the to be an expert. It’s important that we we’ve had generally bad, terrible role mod- most patient man [so] I saw both sides of maintain our masculinity. I think it’s great els. But a good parent far overshadows it. If it was up to him, he may not have to present a strength. It can be dangerous those models. I don’t think a kid is going shown me that impatient side. He has a to present too soft a masculinity. There’s to listen to 50 Cent, a big rapper, over their real strength to him. I watched him in a way to balance strength and intelli- father and how he talks in front of them. a classroom setting. He could get mad. gence and nonviolence. I’d point to Martin When he would talk and he was serious Luther King. I think he presented a strong Howdoyouseeconsciousnessraisingefforts it was time to listen. But there was always masculine, nonviolent, positive role model like the MRC’s Men’sWalk to End Abuse? Is it compassion. for men. continued on page 26 effectiveasawaytogetmeninvolved,toshow Double Play continued from page 9

How do you walk that line as a father with your own sons? One is in kindergarten and one is in preschool, right?

Yes. If I’m playing with my boys and one falls and gets hurt, my first initial reaction is to be nurturing—“Are you okay?”

And then, if I feel there’s manipulation involved, getting a little bit more attention out of this, that’s where the strength comes in. “I know your finger hurts, but it’s time to move on.” That’s what we’re trying to find, there is a balance, there’s both sides.

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Boston.com Photo / Eric Wilbur

different organizations around domestic violence, and we realized this was a perfect fit. We wanted to be a part of [domestic violence prevention work] in an ongoing way for hopefully the rest of our lives, making, number one, a financial contribution, and definitely making it our numberone time commitment. We got my mom involved working on the project. When I have time away from baseball I’ll ultimately have more time to spend on it.

16

Red Sox and Yankees Agree: Let's Strike Out Domestic Violence he Gabe Kapler Foundation has been under way for less than a year but already its impact is being felt. Its goal of preventing domestic violence by addressing the needs of abused women and their children also includes promoting healthy masculinity.

Lisa Kapler, the victim of an abusive relationship throughout much of high school, has become an outspoken advocate for educating young people about the dangers of domestic abuse. Gabe, who is convinced that men have an obligation to speak out against domestic violence, believes men can serve as role models for boys and other men regarding how they treat girls and women.

Gabe’s parents, both educators, have been intimately involved with the foundation from the outset and his mother, Judy Kapler, is coordinating the foundation’s activities. These include: supporting a reception in connection with the Los Angeles opening of the Clothesline Project exhibit at the Jewish Federation of Los Angeles, featuring original T-shirts abuse survivors produced; providing playground equipment and additional childcare for a Los Angeles battered women’s shelter; and helping to forge an innovative collaboration between a Massachusetts shelter, Safe Passage, and the

Men’s Resource Center for Change to provide positive male role models for children in the shelter. Funding for the foundation has been provided by money personally donated by Gabe and Lisa and through donations made to the Gabe Kapler Foundation, whose website is www.kaplerfoundation.org.

Joe Torre’s Safe at Home Foundation, meanwhile, grew out of Torre’s personal experience. The former major league player and longtime manager of the New York Yankees created the foundation more than two years ago in memory of his mother, a victim of abuse at the hands of his father.

The foundation’s guiding principle is that every child has the right to be safe at home, Torre believes.

Home should be a sanctuary, a safe harbor from any storm. Yet for many children, home is a place of danger and fear of an abusive adult, as Torre remembers. He lived it as a child. Even in his formative years, Joe stayed away from home, fearful of his own father. As Joe became a father himself, he realized that no child should have to live with that fear. It was in that spirit, and in memory of his mother, Margaret, that the Joe Torre Safe at Home Foundation was established. For more information, go to www.joetorre.net.

Bill Gallo, www.joetorre.net

T

FALL 2005 • 17

Beyond Male and Female

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O utlines • G ay & B isexual V oices

On the Border: A Eunuch’s Tale

18

By Richard Wassersug

I

am a eunuch.

Chances are you already know others like me, although they may not have revealed their physical status. There are tens of thousands of us in the world today, simply because castration is used to treat prostate cancer.

Each year more than 40,000 men in North America die of prostate cancer.

Along the way virtually all of us who have failed potentially curative procedures, or whose disease has progressed too far to be cured, are offered either surgical or chemical castration as the next treatment option. Castration reduces production of testosterone, the male hormone that stimulates prostate cell growth. Given the choice—early death or castration—the majority of us opt for castration. Regardless of which method we choose, the results are the same: we remain genetic males, but without the hormone that made us masculine.

Few people can spot a male castrated after puberty out on the street. We are not sopranos. We still have facial hair, although it grows more slowly than most guys’. However, in the months following castration, our penises shrink (as do the testicles of those who’ve opted for the chemical procedure) and we start to grow small breasts. Most of our body hair disappears. Thus in the locker room we do look different from “intact” males. We even smell different—maybe, in fact, better—since we don’t have the hormones that promote the pheromones that give sexually mature males their musky odor.

Few castrated men would ever call themselves “eunuchs” or even acknowledge their condition, for there is little pride in being castrated. I’d like to change that. I believe there are some pluses to my hormonal state, and in

“I now live in an expanded gendered world beyond the male-female dyad; one without borders constrained or constricted by steroid-stoked sexual compulsion. ” accepting my status as a eunuch I have discovered, for example, that my brain works very differently without testosterone and there are things I understand now that I never understood as an uncastrated male. To use these insights well has taken a willingness on my part to view the world in ways I never did before. This skill hasn’t come easily or instantly.

As a eunuch I think less about raw sex, but I do not think less about people. A beautiful woman is still a beautiful woman. Now, though, with a brain freed from the tyranny of testosterone, for the first time in my life I can begin to see the world more the way women see it. Cognitive research has shown, for example, that women are better than men at correctly reading facial expressions and nonverbal signals from others. Women make eye contact and smile more than men. So I now study faces with the intensity that a woman might. My previous heterosexual male fixation on the secondary sexual characteristics of women (breast size, waistto-hip ratio) no longer deflects my attention.

Since becoming a eunuch, I can see the profound beauty in women’s eyes and the emotional nuances of their facial

expressions. I see beyond the corporal exterior, far deeper than before. I can now locate and decode smiles in eyes alone. And when I do detect those smiles, I smile back. Before, I never thought to look.

In fact I have discovered that my newfound ability to make eye contact and see beauty in subtle, nonverbal expression has opened the way for me to see beauty in the faces of males as well as females. I now live in an expanded gendered world beyond the male-female dyad; one without borders constrained or constricted by steroid-stoked sexual compulsion. And, as I’ve explored this broadened world, I’ve discovered to my surprise that, although I am no longer driven by sexual needs, I am definitely not asexual. Even orgasms are possible.

Castration has given me an expanded social capability; but now I’m controlling my sexuality rather than it controlling me. The more I have come to accept my altered gender status, and the more open I have been about it, the richer my life has become.

Why then have so few castrated men embarked on the journey I seem to be on?

I believe most men perceive eunuchcontinued on page 22

For more info or to submit new entries for GBQ Resources contact us at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10 or voicemale@mrcforchange.org

AIDS Project of Southern Vermont Contact: (802) 254-4444. Free, confidential HIV/AIDS services, including support, prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities.

Continuum Support group for the gender variant/ transgender community. Goal: to provide support/ resources to individuals dealing with gender, and to provide a space where medical transition is not central. Meetings: third Tuesday of the month, at PrideZone in Northampton, from 7 - 9 p.m. For more information/directions contact Zane Barlow at (413) 221-5769 or email zane_Barlow@yahoo.com.

East Coast Female-to-Male Group Contact: Bet Powers (413) 584-7616, P.O. Box 60585 Florence, Northampton, MA 01062, betpower@yahoo.com. Peer support group open to all masculine-identified, female-born persons – FTMs, transmen of all sexual orientations/identities, crossdressers, stone butches, transgendered, transsexuals, non-op, pre-op, post-op, genderqueer, bi-gendered, questioning – and our significant others, family, and allies.

Meetings 2nd Sundays inNorthampton, 3-6 p.m.

Free Boyz Northampton Social/support meetings for people labeled female at birth who feel that’s not an accurate description of who they are.

Meet 1st and 3rd Mondays, 7 p.m. at Third Wave Feminist Booksellers, 42 Green Street, Northampton.

Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Men’s Support Group Free, drop-in, peer-facilitated. Monday, 7-9 p.m. Men’s Resource Center, 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA. or information: Allan Arnaboldi, (413) 253-9887, ext. 10.

GLAD (Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders) Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders

GLASS (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Society) GLBT Youth Group of Franklin County Meets every Wednesday evening in Greenfield. Info: (413) 774-7028.

HIV Testing Online: (800) 750-2016.

Men’s Health Project Contact: Hutson Innis (413) 747-5144.

Education, prevention services, and counseling for men’s health issues, especially HIV/AIDS. Springfield, Northampton, Greenfield. Tapestry Health Services.

Monadnock Gay Men www.monadnockgaymen.com or e-mail monadgay@aol.com.

PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) PFLAG-Pioneer Valley. Movie and pizza night, groups for parents and transgendered people. Contact: Jane Harris, pflagpv@ valinet.com, (413) 625-6636.

Help Line: (413) 625-6636.

Speakers Bureau: (978) 562-4176.

Pride Zone - GLBT Youth Group of the Pioneer Valley Meetings every Thursday at Pride Zone Center, 34 Maplewood Shops, Northampton. Socializing, discussions, and games. Open for evening drop-ins Sunday, Monday, Thursday, Friday.

(413) 584-1116.

Safe Homes: the Bridge of Central Massachusetts Providing support and services to gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender youth via a weekly Drop-In Center, community outreach system and peer leadership program. Based in Worcester, serving all towns in region. 4 Mann Street Worcester, Massachusetts 01602 Phone: 508.755.0333 Fax: 508.755.2191 Web: www.thebridgecm.org/programs.htm Email: info@thebridgecm.org

SafeSpace SafeSpace provides information, support, referrals, and advocacy to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning (LGBTQQ) survivors of violence and offers education and outreach programs in the wider community.

P.O. Box 158, Burlington, VT 05402.

Phone: 1-802-863-0003; toll-free 1-866-869-7341. Fax: 1-802-863-0004.

Email: info@safespacevt.org.

Website: www.safespacevt.org The Stonewall Center University of Mass., Amherst. A lesbian, bisexual, gay, and transgender educational resource center. Contact: (413) 545-4824, www.umass.edu/stonewall.

Straight Spouse Network Monthly support group meets in Northampton, MA, the first Tuesday from 6-8 p.m. For spouses, past and present, of lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered partners. Contact: Jane Harris for support and location, (413) 625-6636; aharris@valinet.com.

Confidentiality is assured.

The Sunshine Club Support and educational activities for transgendered persons.

Info: (413) 586-5004. P.O. Box 564, Hadley, MA 01305.

Email: av517@osfn.org www.thesunshineclub.org.

T.H.E. Men’s Program (Total HIV Education) Contact: Alex Potter (802) 254-8263, Brattleboro, VT. Weekly/monthly social gatherings, workshops, and volunteer opportunities. Email: eflash@sover.net Valuable Families Gatherings and newsletter for everyone who supports, cherishes, and respects our lesbian, gay, and bisexual families of origin and of choice. Info: (413) 774-2558; P.O. Box 60634, Florence, MA 01061; valfams@mailcity.com.

Venture Out Organized activities, usually of the outdoors variety, for gays and lesbians. Contact: Elizabeth Wilbranks (413) 527-6582; P.O. Box 60271, Florence, MA 01062.

Ventureout@geocities.com.

FALL 2005 •

Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project Support, shelter, advocacy and referral services for male victims of domestic violence. Contact: (800) 832-1901.

Offices in eastern and western Mass. www.gmdvp.org 24 hour hotline: (800) 832-1901

is New England’s leading legal rights organization dedicated to ending discrimination based on sexual orientation, HIV status and gender identity and expression.

Contact: 30 Winter St., Suite 800, Boston, MA 02108. Tel: (617) 426-1350, Fax: (617) 426-3594, gladlaw@glad.org, www.glad.org. Legal Information Hotline: (800) 455-GLAD (4523). GLAD’s Legal Information Hotline is completely confidential.

Trained volunteers work one-on-one with callers to provide legal information, support and referrals within New England.Weekday afternoons, 1:30-4:30; English and Spanish.

GBQ R esources

AIDS CARE/Hampshire County Contact: (413) 586-8288. Buddy Program, transportation, support groups and much more free of charge to people living with HIV.

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M en ’ s H ealth

What Men Can Do

Preventing Prostate and Testicular Cancer

T

here are many good reasons for men to take charge of their health. As we grow older, the risk of developing a chronic disease like cancer increases. Men need to get to know their bodies, learn the warning signs of cancer, and follow a healthy lifestyle.

Prostate Cancer Prostate cancer refers to a tumor of the prostate gland, a gland located just below the bladder where the fluid of semen is produced. There is no single cause of prostate cancer, but some factors appear to increase the risk of developing it. These include: • Age—particularly after age 65 (prostate cancer is uncommon in men under 50) • Family history of prostate cancer • African ancestry • High levels of testosterone • Using cadmium at work

• V oice M ale

What can you do?

• If you are over 50 years of age, talk to your doctor about the risks and benefits of screening for prostate cancer.

• If you have a higher than average risk for prostate cancer, you may wish to discuss the possibility of starting screening at a younger age.

• Also, watch out for frequent, difficult, or painful urination; dribbling urination; urine that contains blood or pus; pain in the lower back, pelvic area, or upper thighs; pain during ejaculation.

20

Testicular Cancer Although testicular cancer is quite rare, it is the most common form of cancer diagnosed in men between the ages of 20 and 45. But it can almost always be treated successfully.

1. Get to know your body.

2. Don’t shrug off the warning signs.

3. Follow a healthy lifestyle.

The testicles are located behind the penis in a sac called the scrotum.

Testicular cancer may cause one or both of the testicles to enlarge or it may cause a lump in the scrotum.

What can you do?

• First, all men age 15 or older should check their testicles regularly.

• Become familiar with your testicles so you can detect any changes early; report any changes to your doctor.

• Have regular medical checkups by your doctor that include testicular examination.

• Watch for any change in size, shape, consistency, swelling, or sensation of your testicles or scrotum.

• Notice any pain in the testicles or scrotum.

• Watch out for: a dull ache or heaviness in your lower abdomen; unusual and persistent backache; unexplained weight loss.

Reducing Your Risk Research continues to show that some cancers can be prevented. Start with these steps and begin to reduce your risk of developing cancer.

1. Get to know your body.

2. Don’t shrug off the warning signs.

3. Follow a healthy lifestyle. VM Prepared by the Canadian Cancer Society, this article is used by permission of the Canadian Health Network.

Take Yourself in Hand!

How to Do a Testicular Self-Examination

T

esticular self-examination (TSE) is a simple three-step process that can help you detect testicular cancer early.

All men should perform a TSE once each month from the time they are 15 years old.

Ideally, you should examine your testicles after a hot bath or shower because the warmth will cause your testicles to descend and the skin of your scrotum to relax, making it easier to feel any lumps, growths or tenderness.

1. Stand in front of the mirror. Look for any swelling on the skin of your scrotum.

2. Examine each testicle one at a time, placing your index and middle fingers of both hands on the underside of your testicle and your thumbs on the top side. Firmly roll your testicle between your fingers and thumbs, carefully feeling for any lumps, growths, or sensations of tenderness that don’t feel normal. It is normal for one of your testicles to be larger than the other. At the back of each testicle there is a soft cord. This is the tube that collects and carries your sperm. It is a normal part of your scrotum. After you have examined one testicle and cord, check the opposite side.

Some men find that comparing the two sides is helpful.

3. Become familiar with how your scrotum feels so you will be able to tell if there are any changes over time.

Testicular cancer may not always create a noticeable lump on your testicle. Other clues to look for include: • any change in size, shape, tenderness, or sensation of your testicles or scrotum • a change in the consistency or swelling of your testicles or scrotum • pain in your testicles or scrotum • a dull ache or heaviness in your lower abdomen • abnormal and persistent backache • unexplained weight loss • breast development See your doctor right away if you notice any symptoms. Regular testicular self-examination is an important health habit, but it can’t replace a doctor’s examination.

Your doctor should check your testicles when you have a physical exam. You can also ask your doctor to teach you how to do a testicular self-examination.

—Canadian Cancer Society

A Gift of Hope.

For the Holidays and Beyond.

$14.95 each (includes shipping)

Order Four or more for $11.95 each (includes shipping)

All Proceeds from Calendar sales will benefit the Men’s Resource Center for Change.

Stunning Photographs of the natural beauty of western Massachusetts. Inspiring Quotations by voices for peace— Nelson Mandela, Howard Zinn, Gandhi, and more. Created and Produced by Photographer Charlie Hertan FALL 2005 •

Send checks to: MRC Calendar, 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002 Order online at: www.mrcforchange.org.

For information, contact Gretchen Craig at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 16; gcraig@mrcforchange.org.

21

R esources Men’s Resources

(Resources for Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Men, see page 19) The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups, patient support groups, nutritional supplements, dressings and supplies, literature, low-cost housing, and transportation.

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444; free, confidential HIV/AIDS services, including support, prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities.

Children’s Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals, families and children, with a play therapy room for working with children. Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress.

HIV Testing Hotline: (800) 750-2016 Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505(days) or 586-6750(evenings). Overnight shelter for homeless individuals. 123 Hawley St., Northampton. Doors open at 6 p.m.

Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12step groups throughout New England.

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues Education and support services for adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals, etc. Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month. Contact: Ann Henry (413) 584-6599

Fathers

Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar association lawyer referral agency. In Mass. the number is (800) 392-6164. Here are some websites that may be of use to you: www.acfc.org * www.fathering.org www.dadscan.org www.divorcedfather.com www.fatherhoodproject.org www.dadsrights.org**(notwww.dadsrights.com) www.fathers.com www.fatherhood.org www.fathersnetwork.org www.divorcehq.com * www.divorcewizards.com * www.geocities.com/Heartland/Meadows/ 1259/links.htm * www.menstuff.org/frameindex.html(Fatherstuff) * good resource ** strongly recommended

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At Home Dad www.parentsplace.com/readroom/athomedad

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The Fathers Resource Center www.slowlane.com/frc National Fatherhood Initiative www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet

The Fatherhood Project www.fatherhoodproject.org

Internet Resources

Men’s Resource Center for Change www.mrcforchange.org The Men’s Bibliography A comprehensive online bibliography of writing on men, masculinities and sexualities. www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/mensbiblio/ mensbibliomenu.html XY Magazine www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/XY/xyf.htm Pro-feminist Men’s FAQ www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/pffaq.html Pro-feminist Men’s Mail List www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/profem.html Violence Statistics www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/vstats.html HomophobiaandMasculinitiesAmongYoung Men (Lessons in becoming a straight man) online.anu.edu.au/~a112465/homophobia.html National Men’s Resource Center www.menstuff.org National calendar of events, directory of men’s services and a listing of books for positive change in men’s roles and relationships.

The Men’s Issues Page www.vix.com/pub/men/index.html 100 Black Men, Inc. www.100bm.org Pro-feminist Men’s Groups Listing www.feminist.com/pro.htm Pro-feminist Mailing List coombs.anu.edu.au/~gorkin/profem.html

Magazines Achilles Heel (from Great Britain) www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achilles/issues.html XY: men, sex politics (from Australia) coombs.anu.edu.au/~gorkin/XY/xyintro.htm Ending Men’s Violence-Real Men www.cs.utk.edu/~bartley/other/realMen.html The Men’s Rape Prevention Project www.mrpp.org/intro.html Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out www.geocities.com/CapitalHill/1139/quitporn.html

ROB OKUN

Justice of the Peace Officiating at Weddings for Couples in Massachusetts & Beyond (413) 253-7918 RAOkun@comcast.net

A Eunuch’s Tale continued from page 18

dom as dreadful deprivation, and are too frightened to give up their core masculine identity, despite what they might gain from doing so. Indeed, recent independent studies out of England, Australia, Israel, and Canada have all shown that castrated cancer patients feel humiliated and ashamed by the changes they’ve experienced as a result of their medical treatment. They typically view those changes as negatives, as I did at first. And they rarely talk about those negative feelings—for it is simply unmanly to discuss feeling unmanly, no matter how unmanly one feels.

A core part of the problem, I believe, is the language of emasculation, where castration is equated with brutal punishment, mutilation, and total social, as well as sexual, impotence. I have been told by a few acquaintances, including an activist in the prostate cancer community, that I should avoid the term eunuch; it’s an insult.

But is this historically valid? Too many people seem misinformed by mythologies about eunuchs. They believe that androgen deprivation must make a man servile, if not obsequious—meek, malleable, submissive, a sexual and social “bottom.” A guy with no balls. This last may be true anatomically, but not socially. History shows us that for thousands of years, in monarchies from one end of Asia to the other, eunuchs were in the upper echelon of the social system. They were the senior government officials, the glue that held kingdoms together. They had full access to the seat of power and became generals, treasurers, chamberlains, and diplomats. Many proved so trustworthy and wise that they rose to prominence within the imperial court and acquired great wealth, property, and their own slaves. The eunuchs mentioned in the Bible affirm their competency. For example, when Joseph went down to Egypt, the chief chamberlain to the pharaoh was a eunuch.

Modern endocrinology also gives a clear answer as to how docile or submissive eunuchs might be. My testosterone levels differ little from those of women—thus one should not expect

me to be any more (or less) subservient than, say, our lesbian sisters.

Frankly, I now view myself as somewhat transgendered—“out” of manhood perhaps, but not into womanhood either. Rather I see myself as experiencing life from more than one gendered perspective. Admittedly, since I still look like a male in my daily life, acceptance of my “otherness” by others is not a foregone conclusion. But for most prostate cancer patients, acceptance of their own situation seems a bigger issue than acceptance by society.

One social challenge these patients face is their emotional displays. Androgendeprived men are more spontaneously emotional. Indeed medical literature mentions heightened emotionality as an “undesirable side effect” of castration.

But who’s to say that such emotionality is bad?

In contemporary Western society being emotional, particularly for men, is seen as weakness. I’ll admit that I am more emotional now than I ever was as a male. I cry more easily, but not necessarily about my own situation. Instead, it’s the triumphs and tragedies of others that bring tears to my eyes. It is thus empathy and not self-pity that moves me. And if that is true, are my tears really a sign of weakness?

Coincidentally, the one time in the history of the Western world when eunuchs were most beloved by the populace was during the Castrati Movement. Then eunuchs, as operatic stars, were adored for their emotionality.

It is too late for me to be a castrato.

(Besides, I sing bass.) But it is not too late for me to use my broadened worldview and newfound passions to help myself and serve others. I have learned, though, that to get the most out of eunuchdom, I have to accept, not deny, my divergence from masculinity. I do believe that I have been privileged to see the world so differently. VM

Moving Forward

FALL 2005 •

Copyright ©2005 by Richard Wassersug.

RichardWassersug is a professor of anatomyandneurobiologyinthemedicalschool at Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova Scotia, as well as an active researcher in sex and gender theory.

Moving Forward

23

C alendar Please send all Calendar Listings for events from December 15, 2005 (and beyond) to:

V oice M ale C alendar voicemale@mrcforchange.org or mail to : 236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002 Fax (413) 253-4801 Deadline for Winter issue: November 25, 2005

• V oice M ale

October 3 - November 30 • Amherst, MA Conscious Communication Workshop The MRC’s Moving Forward program is sponsoring an eight-week workshop to help people stay connected with partners, family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers in the heat of difference. The workshop will be offered on Mondays (Oct. 3 to Nov. 28) and Wednesdays (Oct. 5 to Nov. 30). The workshop aims to teach people to use differences to actually grow in understanding and intimacy and to experience the joy hidden in conflict. Facilitator Karen Fogliatti is currently both an associate with the Conscious Communication Institute and a counselor with Moving Forward at the Men’s Resource Center. The workshop is open to both men and women.

Cost: $230-$280, sliding scale, includes materials Location: Men’s Resource Center for Change Info: www.ccitraining.org, karenmf@mindspring.com, (978) 544-3844

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October 21-23 • Rowe, MA Nonviolent Communication as Spiritual Practice Nonviolent Communication helps people connect with the life that is alive in them and the living field of energy permeating and animating all things. In the evolution of language over the last several centuries, the dominant cultures on our planet have developed ways of communicating centered in the mind—in thinking, in knowing, and in judging what is good and bad, right and wrong. This language of knowing and judging cuts us off from life and creates the violence and suffering on our planet.

The language of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) enables us to “come back to life,” as NVC founder Marshall Rosenberg puts it.

Cost: $170 - $270, plus room and board Location: Rowe Camp & Conference Center Info: www.rowecenter.org, retreat@rowecenter.org, (413) 339-4954

October 25 • Los Angeles, CA Male Rape and the Human Rights Framework Lara Stemple, Director of Graduate Studies in Law, will present her current research on sexual violence against men and boys in international law. Before joining UCLA, Stemple was executive director of Stop Prisoner Rape, a national human rights organization whose mission is to end sexual violence in prisons, jails, and immigration detention. The prevailing approach to sexual violence internationally has focused on the abuse of women and girls. Numerous instruments in the human rights canon that address sexual violence, including UN treaties, resolutions, consensus documents, and general comments, exclude victims who are men and boys. Stemple argues that to continue this approach in light of evidence that males are a small but sizable percentage of sexual assault victims is to ignore reality, perpetuates norms of women as victims, imposes unhealthy expectations about masculinity on men and boys, and inhibits effective advocacy against male rape.

Cost: free Location: 1648 Hershey Hall, UCLA Info: www.women.ucla.edu/csw, csw@women.ucla.edu, (310) 825-0590 October 25-27 • Holyoke, MA November 10-12 • Amherst, MA Eyes Wide Open Beyond Fear, Toward Hope: An Exhibition of the Human Cost of the Iraq War “Eyes Wide Open” is a multimedia, multisensory journey through the words, images, and sounds of the Iraq War with more than 1,800 pairs of combat boots representing fallen U.S. soldiers and thousands of shoes representing Iraqi dead. “Eyes Wide Open,” a vivid memorial to the Iraq War’s soldier and civilian victims, puts a human face on the war and helps further the wider discussion about the cost of war for our communities in the United States, for our soldiers who fight it, and for those who must endure it. Programs at both locations will include panel presentations, concerts, and film showings. Journalist/photographer Dahr Jamail will speak on October 26, and activist/mother Cindy Sheehan will speak on November 11.

Cost: free Location: Oct. – Holyoke Community College, Nov. – University of Massachusetts Info: www.westernmassafsc.org, afsc@crocker.com, (413) 695-6059

October 28-29 • Deerfield, MA Witness for Peace New England Annual Fall Conference/Retreat Keynote speaker Noam Chomsky will stimulate the discussion around the central theme of “building movements to reverse policies of oppression” and activist trainings led by WFP National Grassroots Organizers will help move ideas into action. Topics to be discussed include building the movement for Economic Justice in the Americas and an end to U.S. militarism in Colombia. The conference will also feature Flor Rivera, a researcher with the Center for Studies on Rural Change in Mexico (CECCAM); Mateo Bernal, a member of the Witness for Peace International Team in Oaxaca, Mexico; and Janna Bowman, National Grassroots Organizer on Military Aid to Colombia for Witness for Peace.

Cost: $55 to $175, depending on registration date and portion to be attended (limited financial aid is available) Location: Woolman Hill Retreat Center Info: www.witnessforpeace.org, wfpne@witnessforpeace.org, (802) 434-2980 November 1 • Worcester, MA 2005 Teen Pregnancy Institute: Switching Gears in Changing Times Each year, the Massachusetts Alliance on Teen Pregnancy draws together teen parent and pregnancy prevention service providers from across New England for a day of continuing education, skill-building, networking, resource-sharing, and support. This year’s conference will provide an opportunity to learn about new approaches to work with teen parents and in pregnancy prevention.

Cost: $65 - $100 Location: College of the Holy Cross Info: www.massteenpregnancy.org, info@massteenpregnancy.org, (617) 482-9122 November 2-4 • Detroit, MI From Roots to Wings: The Future of Batterer Intervention This conference, featuring two workshops by staff from the Men’s Resource Center for Change, is an important national conference on batterer intervention (BI). Presenters include men and women who started batterer intervention programs. Network with professionals working to end domestic violence, gain new tools and strategies, learn about funding, legislative changes and current research, hear from communities monitoring BI programs, be exposed to philosophical changes in BI programs, and participate in discussions on defining success.

Cost: between $275 and $400

Location: Detroit Marriott at the Renaissance Center Info: http://www.biscmi.org/documents/biscmi10thconference.html, dgarvin@csswashtenaw.org, (517) 482-3933 November 4-6 • Bangor, PA You Are Not Alone: A Weekend of Recovery for Male Survivors of Clergy Abuse MaleSurvivor will be holding a second Weekend of Recovery for any adult (18 years and older) male survivor of clergy abuse (from any denomination). Among the goals of this retreat are: to provide a safe place where survivors of clergy sexual abuse can experience a sense of community, brotherhood, and joy; to co-create and experience safety with other survivors as they explore aspects of their healing journey; to provide an opportunity where survivors can share their inner pain, strength and hope.

To accommodate clergy abuse survivors’ requests for a setting with no connection to any religious group, the retreat will take place at Kirkridge Retreat and Study Center, which has been providing an ecumenical and inter-faith space for rest and renewal to people from many faith traditions.

Cost: $415 - $475 (includes all lodging, meals and programming); some scholarship funds available Location: Kirkridge Retreat and Study Center Info: www.malesurvivor.org, hfradkin@malesurvivor.org, (614) 445-8277 x11, (800) 738-4181 January 27-29 • Rowe, MA Gay Men’s Winter Retreat This retreat will be led by Christian de la Huerta. Participants will explore profound issues of life purpose, bridge the schism between sexuality and spirituality, and learn about conscious relationships. You will attain an expanded sense of your purpose as a gay man and gain a bigger perspective on yourself and life in general. You will reconnect spiritually and develop a deeper level of self-acceptance and self-empowerment with a group of like-minded others in a safe, fun, and nurturing environment.

Cost: Sliding scale fee for the weekend (includes meals and housing) starts at $280.

Location: Rowe Conference Center Info: www.rowecenter.org, (413) 339-4954

New Visions of Manhood Art Exhibit and Auction November 29 - December 3 • Northampton, MA

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he Men’s Resource Center for Change is mounting an exhibit and holding an auction not just for art aficionados. Anyone interested in great holiday gifts and supporting the MRC will find great art, pottery, photography, wearable art and more. The exhibit will be up for silent auction bidding beginning November 29 and will feature works by scores of well-known artists including Barry Moser, Leonard Baskin, Greg Gillespie, Jane Lund, Jane Dyer, Robin Freedenfeld, and Clemens Kalischer. Saturday night, December 3, features a live auction with sumptuous food, engaging entertainment, and actor-comedian Kevin Brown as auctioneer. Certain pieces will also be available for bidding online at www.mrcforchange.org.

Cost: free for those purchasing art; suggested donation of $10 for others Location: A.P.E. Gallery in Thornes Market Info: gcraig@mrcforchange.org, (413) 253-9887 ext. 16

FALL 2005 • 25

T hank Y ou !

Publisher Says “Thank You!” The Men’s Resource Center for Change, publisherofVoiceMale,receivescommunitysupport from near and far. Hundreds of people havesharedourinspirationandcommitment, andcontributedtheirtime,services,andmoney towardavisionofpersonalandsocialtransformation.Asourprogramsandservicescontinue to grow in size and scope, we see that the size and scope of our community support also expand. We are filled with deep gratitude at theoutpouringofsupport.Wehopethefollowingacknowledgmentscommunicateasenseof beingpartofagrowingcommunityofsupport.

Thank you.

Donated Space Network Chiropractic, Greenfield Northampton Council on Aging Fathers & Family Network Presenter Christopher Newman, YWCA Visitation Centers Grants The Kapler Foundation, Los Angeles In-Kind Donations Henion Bakery, Amherst Office/Voice Male Volunteers Susan Craig, Christopher Klunk, Joe Leslie, Bob and Jesse Mazer, Russ Pirkot, Gary Stone Facilitator Training Michael Burke, Michael Dover, Carl Erikson, Jerry Levinsky, Gábor Lukács, Bob Mazer, Tom Schuyt, Gary Stone

• V oice M ale

Asalways,weextendourgratitudetotheMRC BoardofDirectorsfortheongoingguidanceand support they give to this organization and all who are a part of it.We are also grateful to our volunteers who support us in so many ways.

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Double Play continued from page 9

Was that modeling in any way a plus for you as a pro athlete?

As I grew up in the sports world, it made it easier. In the beginning it was very difficult for me, playing baseball in the minor leagues and then in the majors. Baseball taught me how to have a thick skin. In my house I was taught to have a thin skin. I’m reallygratefultobaseballforteachingmeto have a thick skin. I want my kids to have thick skin. I remember getting really bent outofshapeaboutstuffathome…thatwas fine in my house. As an adult, I’m grateful that baseball—it’s such a failure sport. In the clubhouse, you have a constant barrage of ridicule and banter that includes tearing each other down on a regular basis.

As crazy as it sounds, it’s been really good for me personally. It’s the real world, it’s the way things work. If you’re too sensitive it affects you. I want my child to be able to handle what goes on.

When you hear racist or sexist stuff in the clubhouse, what do you do?

When you hear something racist or sexist you might say, not in an aggressive way, but a light way, “That was the worst possible word you could use in my house growing up.” It would be self-destructive to be confrontational. Internally, you have people brought up in different ways. There’s not a public forum with an open conversation about it. You may talk about it with guys who are sympathetic, or not. Generally speaking, baseball is a melting pot of races andfinancialbackgroundsandupbringing, some people who have never been around somebody from a large city, only guys just like them. People handle it in different ways—like the swearing in the clubhouse or [lyrics] on the radio. Some guys don’t want their son hearing it, they only want Christian music; others say if you don’t like it, take your son out of here.

BaseballplayerslikeformerSoxoutfielderWil Cordero, José Canseco, Milton Bradley, and othershavebeenchargedwithdomesticassault and battery. How is that kind of issue seen frominsidetheclubhouse?Whataboutnow,if ithappenedwithoneofyourteammates?You havesomeauthoritybecauseofLisaandwhat happened to her. What would you say?

Certainly, in my mind [domestic abuse] is unacceptable. How I would address that with a particular player is a completely different story. The right thing to do isn’t always to say something to the person about it. The person has to be ready to talk about it, ready to listen.

If I didn’t think somebody was ready to listen I would never approach him.

I wouldn’t understand how that would be my place to do that. But their respect level would drop immediately from other players. We kind of police ourselves.

When somebody does something that’s not just embarrassing to the club but to themselves, you lose respect, and that’s the worst thing you can possibly lose in our clubhouse. Without that, you don’t have a platform, you don’t have the respect.

You know about New York Yankees manager Joe Torre establishing the Safe at Home Foundation, also aimed at addressingdomesticviolence.Areyouinterestedin working together with him?

I’m so jealous that he has that name! I think it’s great—you talk about a guy with a platform and power, it probably doesn’t get much bigger than he has.

He’s so respected in baseball and in New York, and it’s amazing and wonderful and we’re all very proud of what he’s doing.

Do I see an opportunity for a collaboration? I would love that. He’s a busy guy, and [our foundation is] not completely off the ground. At some point in the future I would love to find a way to put it together and work with him.

Whatisyourvisionforthefoundationinthe next seven to eight years?

I’d like [the foundation] to be in shelters all over the country. I want to be making an impact improving women’s shelters, improving relationship skills for women and children, including boys and young men, in shelters, everywhere. We’re starting in a small area of Los Angeles County and with the shelter in Massachusetts.

We have the Internet, we have our website, but I’d like to branch out all over the country. I’m playing baseball all the time, so my mom is hopefully going to share my vision, and we’ll see how much money we raise. VM

Men’s Resource Center for Change Programs & Services

Administrative Staff Executive Director – Rob Okun Associate Director – Russell Bradbury-Carlin Development Director – Michael Dover Development Associate – Gretchen Craig Financial Manager – Paula Chadis Administrative Assistant – Ursula Shea Borneo Moving Forward Director – Russell Bradbury-Carlin Clinical Supervisor – Sara Elinoff-Acker Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison – Steve Trudel Partner Services Coordinator – Jan Eidelson Franklin County Coordinator – Joy Kaubin Hampden County Coordinator – Scott Girard Group Leaders – Sara Elinoff-Acker, Karen Fogliatti, Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta, Susan Omilian, Bill Patten, Tom Sullivan, Steve Trudel Support Programs Director – Allan Arnaboldi Support Group Facilitators – Allan Arnaboldi, MichaelBurke,JimDevlin,MichaelDover,DarrenEngstrom, Carl Erikson,Tim Gordon, Jerry Levinsky, Gábor Lukács, BobMazer,RobParfet,TomSchuyt,Sheldon Snodgrass, Roger Stawasz, Bob Sternberg, Gary Stone, John Trainor, Peter Venman Youth Programs Director – Allan Arnaboldi Group Leader/Outreach Worker– Paul Collins Board of Directors Chair – Peter Jessop Clerk/Treasurer – Charles Bodhi Members – Gustavo Acosta, Jenny Daniell, Tom Gardner, Yoko Kato, Jonathan Klate Executive Director Emeritus – Steven Botkin

Main Office: 236 North Pleasant St. • Amherst, MA 01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.4801

E-mail: mrc@mrcforchange.org Website: www.mrcforchange.org

Fathering Programs ■ A variety of resources are available — Fathers and Family Network programs, lawyer referrals, parenting resources, workshops, presentations and conferences.

Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.10 Youth Programs ■ Young Men of Color Leadership Project Amherst ■ShortTermGroups,Workshops,Presentations and Consultations for Young Men and YouthServing Organizations Moving forward Anger Management, domestic violence intervention, youth violence prevention ■ Anger Management Various times for 15-week groups for men, women and young men at the MRC. For more information, call (413) 253-9887 ext. 23 ■ Domestic Violence Intervention A state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive.

Fee subsidies available.

■ Basic Groups Groups for self-referred and court-mandated men (40 weeks) are held in Amherst, Athol, Belchertown, Springfield, and Greenfield.

■ Follow-up Groups for men who have completed the

basic program and want to continue working on these issues are available in Northampton, Greenfield and Amherst.

■ Partner Services Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program.

■ Prison Groups A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections.

■ Community Education and Training Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available.

■ Speakers’ Bureau Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

■ Youth Violence Prevention Services for teenage males who have been abusive with their families, peers, or dating partners. Contact: (413) 253-9588 ext.18 Workshops & training ■ Men & Divorce This workshop series can help you get your bearings and find your way through the divorce process to reach a successful conclusion in this transition. Six Sunday afternoons. At MRC, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst. For information, call Allan (413) 253-9887, Ext. 10.

■ Workshops available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as “Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response,” “Strategies and Skills for Educating Men,” “Building Men’s Community,” and “Challenging Homophobia,” among other topics. Specific trainings and consultations also available.

Publications ■ Voice Male Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includesarticles,essays,reviewsandresources, and services related to men and masculinity.

■Children,LesbiansandMen:Men’sExperiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors A 60-page manual which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women “who have been there.”

Resource & Referral Services ■ Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, and support programs for men.

FALL 2005 •

Springfield Office: 29 Howard St. • Springfield, MA 01105 • 413.734.3438

Support Group Programs ■ Open Men’s Group Sundays 7-9 p.m. at the MRC Amherst office Tuesdays 6:45-8:45 p.m. at the Council on Aging, 240 Main St., Northampton.

Wednesdays 7-9 p.m. in Greenfield at Network Chiropractic, 21 Mohawk Trail (lower Main St.).

A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other.

■ Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Abuse /Neglect Specifically for men who have experienced any kind of childhood abuse or neglect.

Fridays 7 - 8:30 p.m. at the MRC. ■ Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Mondays 7 - 9 p.m. at the MRC. A facilitated drop-in group for gay, bisexual and questioning men to talk about their lives and support each other (not a discussion group).

■ GBQ Schmoozefest Events Seasonal events with catered food, art and music, opportunities for interacting with GBQ men and other men who love men from Springfield to Brattleboro and beyond.

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new visions of manhood Art Exhibit/Auction A Benefit for the Men’s Resource center for change NOVEMBER 29 – DECEMBER 3 Live Auction Saturday, December 3, 6:30 p.m. – 9 p.m.

“Greg Gillespie in his studio” Photo by Clemens Kalischer

A.P.E. Gallery, 3rd Floor, Thornes Marketplace, Northampton, Massachusetts

• Actor/Comedian Kevin Brown, Auctioneer • Fine Art, Pottery, Photography, Wearable Art, and More • Sumptuous Refreshments • Engaging Live Entertainment • Silent Auction Bidding November 29 – December 3 • Online Bidding at www.mrcforchange.org F E AT U R I N G

A R T

BY:

Jane Dyer • Robin Freedenfeld • Gregory Gillespie • Clemens Kalischer • Adam Laipson Jane Lund • Barry Moser • Janet Walerstein Winston and more…

Proceeds will support the work of the Men’s Resource Center for Change.

For more information, call 413.253.9887 ext. 16 or e-mail gcraig@mrcforchange.org.