Voice Male Spring 2005

The Magazine of The Men’s Resource Center of Western Massachusetts

Exploring male-positive, pro-feminist, gay-affirmative, anti-racist issues and ideas

Spring 2005

FREE

• Take One

Manhoodin a TimeofWar INSIDE: ■ Sports (Violence) Illustrated

■ Will I Ever Be Forgiven?: A Letter from Jail

■ Pornography and Men’s Choices

■ The “Outing” of Abraham Lincoln

■ Conscientious

■ Once

Objection Is “Manly”

Upon a Time, When I Had AIDS

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F rom T he E ditor

Dialogue vs. Diatribe

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Can We Find Common Ground?

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By Rob Okun

hen the Men’s Resource Center collected signatures to place an advertisement in the Springfield (Mass.) Republican for “A Valentine’s Day Message from Men of Heart,” 155 men signed on. The ad calls for “…creating a society where women are safe from violence and abuse every day,” and it urges men “to reject the masculine culture of violence and to support creating an egalitarian culture of peace.” Surprisingly, its publication sparked a fire storm of protest.

A number of men who read the ad wrote that they were angered by it. For a week after it was published, a steady stream of e-mails, a few phone calls and letters let me know in no uncertain terms that the ad was offensive. Its message was seen as “us” vs. “them.” Many men saw it as invalidating their experience. The language of the ad was not intended to be off-putting, but the outpouring of angry responses to it suggests there is much work ahead if we — not“us”or“them”— want to find common ground. Because it is important for those working for a violence-free world to carefully consider what we say and how we say it to best create the conditions for inspired dialogue, I continued rereading the ad.

“We come together with one voice,” the text continues,“to say‘Enough!’Women are entitled to live their lives free of fear of abuse and violence, free from stalking and harassment.” I wondered who could argue with that statement. Doesn’t everyone want women to be safe? Many e-mail writers anticipated that question with “Yes, but” communiqués, emphasizing the inequity they feel in a society that perceives domestic violence as primarily a women’s issue.

I empathize with men who feel their point of view is underrepresented, but am wary of language that seems to demonize all womenbecausesomemayactinappropriately.

And it saddens me that the Men’s Resource Center, which has been supporting a range of men for 23 years, might be seen, as some suggested, as man-hating. What we reject is violence. What alarms us is abusive behavior. What we try to foster is taking responsibility for one’s actions. What we encourage is being accountable for what we do.

Among the challenges to the ad was our characterization of a “masculine culture of violence.” Sadly, I have not discovered an alternative phrase to replace it. The uncom-

Table of Contents Features

Manhood in a Time of War: From Vietnam to Iraq . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8

By Rob Okun Sports (Violence) Illustrated . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10

By Stephen Jefferson The Problem of Sporting Loyalties . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11

By Haji Shearer Fathers’ Rights, Children’s Best Interests: Massachusetts Ballot Questions Undermine Family Safety . . . . . . . . . . . 12

By Marian Kent, Becky Lockwood & Rob Okun Will I Ever Be Forgiven?: Dealing with the Consequences of a Domestic Violence Conviction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13

By Jake Asbin The “Outing” of Celebrities: When Lincoln Met SpongeBob . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15

By Elise Kramer Pimps and Johns: Pornography and Men’s Choices . . . 20

By Robert Jensen

Columns & Opinion

“For nearly a decade, the Men’s Resource Center has periodically published large signature display ads in area newspapers decrying domestic violence, hate crimes, and war, and celebrating International Women’s Day.” fortable truth is that the overwhelming majority of perpetrators of violence—as well as the largest number of victims of violence —are men and boys. While most men and boys want to do the right thing and are not abusive, all males in our society are socialized to promote competition over cooperation, and isolation over connection.

We see the bitter fruits of that socialization in our homes, on our streets, in our prisons and in our communities. Equally sad is the limited menu of emotional expression available to most men, running from anger to, well, anger. And the underrecognized phenomenon of male depression, which has been discussed in these pages and often shows up in our men’s support groups, is just one of a range of health issues, physical and mental, that are the legacy of male

From the Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 Mail Bonding . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 Men @ Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 Men Overcoming Depression . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 Emerging from “Internal Winter”

By Michael Burke Men & Health . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 Enormous Changes at the Last Minute: Men’s Emotional Challenges in Midlife

By Kathleen W. Wilson, M.D. Book Review . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 The Irritable Male Syndrome

By Jed Diamond Review by Carl Erikson OutLines . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 Once Upon a Time When I Had AIDS

By Les Wright GBQ Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 Voices of Youth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Conscientious Objection Is “Manly”: A Young Activist’s Thoughts on Avoiding a Potential Draft

By Elias Sánchez-Eppler Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Thank You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 Calendar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 MRC Programs & Services . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27

Voice Male is published quarterly by the

Men’s Resource Center of Western Massachusetts, mailed to donors and subscribers around the U.S. anddistributedatselectlocationsthroughoutwestern Massachusetts,southernVermontandsouthernNew Hampshire.

The mission of the Men’s Resource Center of WesternMassachusettsistosupportmen,challenge men’s violence and develop men’s leadership in ending oppression in our lives, our families and our communities.

Support Our WorkThe MRC is funded by individual and organizational contributions, and fees for services. Please join us in our vision of men healing, growing and ending violence. Send contributions ($35, $50, $100) to support our work.

Main Office: 236 North Pleasant St.• Amherst, MA 01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.4801 Springfield Office: 29 Howard St.• Springfield, MA 01105 • 413.734.3438 E-mail: mrc@mensresourcecenter.org Website: www.mensresourcecenter.org

Administrative Staff Executive Director – Rob Okun Associate Director – Michael Dover Director of Operations – Carl Erikson Development Associate – Gretchen Craig Men Overcoming Violence Director – Russell Bradbury-Carlin Clinical Supervisor – Sara Elinoff Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison – Steve Trudel Partner Services Coordinator – Jan Eidelson Franklin County Coordinator – Joy Kaubin Hampden County Coordinator – Scott Girard Group Leaders – Karen Fogliatti, Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta, Susan Omilian, Bill Patten, Tom Sullivan, Steve Trudel Support Programs Director – Allan Arnaboldi Support Group Facilitators – Allan Arnaboldi, MichaelBurke,JimDevlin,MichaelDover,DarrenEngstrom, Carl Erikson,Tim Gordon, Jerry Levinsky, Gábor Lukács, RickMartin,BobMazer,RobParfet,TomSchuyt,Sheldon Snodgrass, Roger Stawasz, Bob Sternberg, Gary Stone, John Trainor, Peter Venman Youth Programs Director – Allan Arnaboldi Group Leader – Paul Collins Voice Male Magazine Editor – Rob Okun Managing Editor – Michael Burke Designer – m. rojas design Board of Directors Chair – Peter Jessop Clerk/Treasurer – Charles Bodhi Members – Jenny Daniell, Lisa Freitag-Keshet, Tom Gardner, Nancy Girard, Yoko Kato Executive Director Emeritus – Steven Botkin Editor’s Note Opinionsexpressedhereinmaynotrepresenttheviews of all staff, board, or members of the MRC.We welcome letters, articles, news items, article ideas, and events of interest.Weencourageunsolicitedmanuscripts,butcannot beresponsiblefortheirloss.Manuscriptswillbereturned and responded to if accompanied by a stamped return envelope. Send to Voice Male, 236 No. Pleasant St.., Amherst, MA 01002; e-mail queries and articles to voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org.

Advertising For rates and deadlines callVoice Male Advertising at (413) 253-9887, Ext. 20.

socialization. At the MRC we are committed to assisting men to increase the range of their emotional expression.

As I read the e-mails a theme emerged— an assertion that women commit as much, or more, domestic abuse against men as men do against women. Credible research strongly rejects such a claim. Nevertheless, that these men (and the few women who joined their chorus of e-voices) believe the ad somehow neglected their feelings should not go unnoticed. It is disheartening that any man would not see himself in an ad that called on men “to mentor boys on how to respect girls and women, and to teachthattheselessonsapplytootherboysand men”(emphasis added). Clearly, we have to redouble our efforts to build a bridge of communication with all those who value dialogue over diatribe.

It seems that those who protested the ad are asking for visibility for their reality: that many men experience real injustice, particularly when they are involved in custody disputes with the mothers of their children. The MRC has long acknowledged the need to raise the profile of nonviolent fathers in family court, and we have long championed parenting with peace and justice. (Indeed, in March we began a new group for young fathers, many of whom are separated from their children.) Family court judges would be well served to continue learning about healthy, involved fathering and using that learning in their rulings. Where we are unwavering is in our unequivocal advocacy for women’s safety.

One of the phone calls I took was from a man I’ll call Jay. He told me he was upset with the ad because, as I understood him, he didn’t see himself in it. He said his wife fought a losing battle with alcoholism yet had still won custody of their daughters. He said his older daughter, now 24, apologized for turning against him, saying her mom had distorted her perspective. His 17-year-old daughter is still estranged from him. “You know, Rob,” he told me, his voice growing quiet, “sometimes men go home alone, close the door and cry.” We talked for a long time

and he told me he’d gone to meetings of a group purporting to help dads who had lost custody of their children but said they mostly vented their anger. He marveled at women’s ability to organize and advocate for their point of view and seemed to be wishing that the“angry men’s group” could move beyond their anger and do the same.

Jay seems like someone to continue a conversation with, someone who sees there is a “both/and” aspect to this issue, not just an “either/or.” I know there are more men like him with whom to build a bridge of understanding and dialogue. We all have much to gain from that conversation.

The last line of the MRC’s Valentine’s Day ad reads: “We recognize that men are frequently the victims of violence and we stand for a future where all people are free from the tyranny of violence.”

That’s a vision the Men’s Resource Center will continue to work for, every day.

Executive Director of the Men’s Resource Center Rob Okun can be reached at RAOkun @mensresourcecenter.org.

Voice Male is now available through men’s organizations and/or initiatives for boys and men in:

Boston and Worcester, Mass.

Keene, N.H. Burlington, Vt. Portland, Maine Providence, R.I Join them! Contact:

voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org

S pring 2005 •

Men’s Resource Center voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org

“Among the challenges to the ad was our characterization of a ‘masculine culture of violence.’ Sadly, I have not discovered an alternative phrase to replace it.”

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M ail B onding We Want to Hear from You! Write us! Please send typewritten, double-spaced letters to:

V oice M ale

MRC 236 North Pleasant St. Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX (413) 253-4801 voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org Please include address and phone. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.

Deadline for the Summer 2005 Issue is June 10, 2005

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Born in America

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By Amira Schroeder Born in America’s crack epidemic— My veins were already being fed hardship Through the womb, America’s struggle running through me In between Boleros y slave hymns I dance to rhythms of not this or that Look at the box marked other And find myself in it America’s dream hides from me In a country where I was once 3/5’s A past lined with bullwhips and nooses The same sad song sung over Gospel, jazz, blues and hip-hop Lost in the best of black America’s struggle Between signs for free PR, And chants of let’s be American I cling to the words of “Puerto Rican obituary” “They all died yesterday and they’ll die again tomorrow, never knowing the strength of their Latino souls never knowing the geography of their complexion” Latino America speaks thru tears and showers me with their salty beauty Now tucked in a corner of America Where reality is an option A place that forgets half the country voted for bush America’s ignorance Killing me softly Over lullabies of Land of the free and Home of the brave Trapped in this beautiful nightmare I am in America not of it I am of soul, Deep deep Soul My ancestors are poems, my history is plays My land is the stage; I was birthed by the paper and the pen Now I write my own American dream AmiraSchroederisapoet-activistandjunior class president as a student at Amherst Regional High School. She read this poem as part of Amherst’s annual Martin Luther King, Jr., celebration in January.

Praise from Down Under

The Spring and Summer 2004 issues of Voice Male are really great. As much as we live in a world of high tech glossy e-bulletins (well, I seem to), I really appreciate a printed magazine to read.

As a 51-year-old “baby boomer” I constantly get caught between liking the old and the new. Voice Male really inspired me —it is a great read, packed full of interesting articles and great layout. It is encouraging to not only see all the different events and activities but to note that you provide services for all different types of men by ethnic background, colour and sexuality.

That is what the Confederation of Men’s Organisations, and other organisations here in Australia have been striving to do. We are having some success, but your project is setting a great standard. Well done.

I have to give a report back next week to the New South Wales Health Department, who were one of my funders who assisted me in getting to the Men’s Health Network Conference in Washington, D.C. I have prepared a slide on the MRC and the work it does as an example of best practice in men’s health in the U.S. Thanks again and keep up the good work that you do.

How a Strong Man Made My Day

I was driving into Boston recently, and I was stopped at a light. A guy in a van pulls up next to me and motions for me to roll down my window. I do so, figuring he needed directions.

He asks, “How can I get one of your bumper stickers?”

I realize my bumper sticker says, “A Strong Man Doesn’t Hit.” I got it at a conference, from the folks at Mending the Sacred Hoop, the national group working to end domestic violence in Native American communities (www.msh-ta.org).

But I don’t know how to get another one.

As I pause, he says again, “Just tell me the website!” So I tell him, “Start at www. whiteribbon.com. That will point you in the right direction!”

He says, “Thanks!” He rolls up the window and continues on his way. I go about my day with a smile on my face.

Ben Atherton-Zeman Acton, Mass.

National Organization for Men Against Sexism

Surf Our Turf!

Greg Millan, Chair Confederation of Men’s Organisations Hamilton, New South Wales Australia Editors’Note: Millan produces a free monthly e-bulletin, EMALE, which provides men with the latest information and resources on their health,wellbeing,andlifestyleissues.Tosubscribe, send an e-mail to gmillan@bigpond.net.au.

Visit the MRC’s website www.mensresourcecenter.org

Elias Sánchez-Eppler is a member of local and regional Young Friends meetings, as well as a facilitator for Military Recruitment and Education Network (MREN) meetings.

He serves as a peer resource on the topics of military draft, conscientious objection, and pacifism. He is a sophomore studying theater production at the Pioneer Valley Performing Arts High School in Hadley, Mass. “Elias is a young man with passion and commitment, working to raise awareness about war and the draft and on behalf of peace,” Okun said. “He’s giving back to his community.”

All expenses connected to Challenge & Change 2005 are being completely underwritten by local sponsors so there are no tickets to purchase to attend. As a consequence, all money raised at the event will go to support MRC programs and services.

To learn more about attending or helping out at the event, please contact Gretchen Craig at (413) 253-9887 ext. 16, or gcraig @mensresourcecenter.org.

Stephen Mbati meets with MRC staff in March. Back row, left to right: Steven Botkin (director emeritus), Joy Kaubin, Rob Okun, Mbati, Jan Eidelson, Michael Dover. Front row: Gretchen Craig, Allan Arnaboldi.

Men’s Network Begins in Zambia

The founder of a new men’s organization in the African nation of Zambia visited the Men’s Resource Center as part of a 12-day study tour in March in the United States.

Stephen Mbati, the 45-year-old founder of the Zambian Men’s Network, is now back home preparing for the national launch of the new organization.

In addition to a whirlwind two-day visit at the MRC, where he consulted with staff and attended a number of groups, Mbati traveled from Boston to western Massachusetts to NewYork, back to western Massachusetts, to Alabama, and finally to Atlanta.

support, information and connection. That’s what Stephen Mbati did during his trip and that’s what made his historic visit to men’s centers in the U.S. so important.”

Mbati and Botkin presented a workshop at the institute, “How to Support and Mobilize Men for Gender Justice: Men’s Networks and Resource Centers.” “It was especially exciting,” Botkin reported, “to see women from Africa softening in their hopelessness about African men as they listened to Stephen speak about the Zambia Men’s Network.”

Shortly before Mbati was scheduled to leave for the United States he learned that

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The Men’s Resource Center (MRC) will honor the contributions of three members of the western Massachusetts community at its 9th Challenge & Change Celebration, Sunday, May 1, from 5:30 to 8:30 pm at the Log Cabin Banquet & Meeting House in Holyoke, Mass. The award recipients are Sen. Stan Rosenberg, President Pro Tem of the Massachusetts Senate, Brenda López, Domestic Violence Prevention Coordinator for the city of Springfield, and youth activist and Pioneer Valley Performing Arts High School student Elias Sánchez-Eppler.

Northampton (Mass.) Mayor Clare Higgins is honorary chair of the event.

Sen. Rosenberg, who was a leader in efforts to ensure that all adults in Massachusetts have the right to marry, has held various leadership positions within the state senate for several years. He serves on the legislature’s Foster Kid Caucus and plays a leadership role on legislation affecting education, the environment and health care. “Stan’s support for efforts to prevent violence in the home and in our communities is well-known,” said MRC executive director, Rob Okun. “His support for the work of the Men’s Resource Center and our partners in gender work is legion.”

Elected to the state House of Representatives in 1986, he represented Amherst and Pelham until 1991 when he won a special election for the state senate seat being vacated by John Olver, now a member of the U.S. House of Representatives. Sen. Rosenberg is a 1977 graduate of the University of Massachusetts-Amherst, where he was director of the Arts Extension Service and director of the Community Development and Human Service Programs in the Division of Continuing Education.

Brenda López has assisted violence prevention programs in diverse communities, both within and outside the U.S., and has spoken at numerous domestic violence and sexual assault prevention conferences around the country. “Brenda has been an unwavering presence working to educate, advocate and agitate to prevent domestic violence,” Okun said. “She’s a hero in our midst.” Ms. López is president of the board of the Spanish American Union in Springfield and is a former board member of both the Men’s Resource Center and the Women’s Fund of Western Massachusetts.

She holds a master’s degree in education from Cambridge College.

Photo: James Hafner

Three to Receive MRC Challenge & Change Awards

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The Challenge & Change Award honorees are Brenda López, Stan Rosenberg and Elias Sánchez-Eppler.

In Boston, the Family Violence Prevention Fund hosted a roundtable discussion, where Stephen met with leaders and organizers from a wide range of local men’s initiatives.

In western Massachusetts, in addition to consulting with MRC, he met with the Springfield FAMILY (For All Men Involved in the Lives of Youth), and in Atlanta at Men Stopping Violence, attending groups and classes to get a direct experience of men’s work in the U.S. In New York, Mbati and MRC director emeritus Steven Botkin, founder of the Men’s Resource Center Coalition, attended and presented at a training institute organized by the United Nations Development Programme. The institute was designed for delegates to the United Nations’ 49th session of the Commission on the Status of Women –“Beijing +10.” The theme of this institute was “Working with Men and Boys for Gender Equality”(http://theinstitute-si. undp.org/csw2005/).

Meeting women from all over the world interested in men’s work was a unique and powerful experience for Mbati, Botkin said.

And meeting other presenters, leaders of well-known men’s initiatives from all over the world, was dramatic evidence of how far this field has come in the last 20 years.

During an extended meeting with MRC executive director Rob Okun, Mbati described his thirst for learning about how men’s centers operated. “In Zambia,” he told Okun, “we have a saying: ‘A person walking with his mouth open never gets lost,’” suggesting not that men should ask for directions but, according to Okun,“that men are well served when we ask for

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the Zambia YWCA (for whom he works) would not be able to cover his travel costs.

Recognizing the tremendous value of this study tour for the Zambia Men’s Network, Stephen committed to personally finance his trip. He is now raising the money to reimbursetheMen’sResourceCenterCoalition which covered his expenses.

“On Stephen’s behalf, we are asking for contributions to help reduce the amount of money he has to raise to pay for this trip,” Botkin said, encouraging gifts designated for Stephen Mbati’s study tour. To donate online, readers can visit the MRC Coalition website(www.mrccoalition.org/founder.html) or send designated gifts in care of the Men’s Resource Center.

Okun Named Men’s Center Executive Director

The Men’s Resource Center has selected Rob A. Okun as its executive director. He succeeds founding executive director Steven Botkin. Okun, 54, a psychotherapist, justice of the peace, and writer-editor, has been affiliated with the men’s center for nearly 15 years, as a consultant, steering committee member and member of the founding board of directors. He was named associate director in 1996 and interim co-director in 2003 when Botkin went on sabbatical.

His co-director, Michael Dover, has been named associate director.

“We’re delighted to have the continuity and stability that Rob brings to the executive director’s position,”said Peter Jessop, chair of the men’s center’s board of directors. “As someone who has been in a major leadership position and played so many roles at the MRC

over the years, Rob brings the experience and history that will serve us well as we continue to grow. We’re doubly fortunate to have the wisdom and steady leadership Michael Dover has contributed to us for the past decade.”

Okun, who assumed his position January 1, says he sees among his goals:“Collaborating with other men’s and women’s organizations working on violence prevention initiatives, assisting young males on the journey to healthy manhood, and engaging the public in educational efforts to develop a‘masculine culture of peace.’”

A member of the board of directors of the United Way of Hampshire County, Okun writes and broadcasts commentaries on men and masculinity. He will continue as editor of the center’s magazine, Voice Male.

Botkin, who founded the organization in 1982, was named executive director emeritus.

He is currently developing the Men’s Resource Center Coalition, a national effort to provide technicalsupportandconsultationtofledgling men’s initiatives (see Voice Male, Fall 2004).

Western Men’s Distorted Body Image

Western men are more likely to overestimate women’s desire for muscle-bound mates than are men in East Asia.

This conclusion, reported on National Public Radio and elsewhere recently, came out of a study conducted by researchers and students at Harvard Medical School, in which 55 male Taiwanese university students were queried about their body image and what kind of male body they thought Taiwanese women would prefer.

Their responses were then compared with the results of identical studies done in the United States, France, and Austria.

“Western men are much more concerned about looking muscular than men in the Pacific Rim,” said Harrison Pope, professor of psychiatry at Harvard and head of the Biological Psychiatry Laboratory at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Mass. “There’s more tradition of muscle and physical prowess in Western culture, whereas the Chinese idea of masculinity has more to do with fortitude of character and intellect.”

In the study, Western men believed that women would prefer a male body with 20 to 30 pounds more muscle than average.

But when women were questioned about their preferences, they actually picked photos of male bodies that were much closer to average. The Taiwanese men, by contrast, were more accurate in their predictions of women’s desire for the “average” male body.

Dr. Pope said that Western men are now subjected to an increasing barrage of images of muscular men in the mass media and in advertising—much more so than are Asians.

(Just look at the steroidal hulks gracing the cover of any men’s health and fitness magazines these days.) In the 1950s, about 3 p e r c e n t o f U. S . p r i n t a d s s h o we d undressed male models; in the 1990s, that share rose to 35 percent (the percentage of undressed female models in print ads has remained constant at about 20 percent in that time period).

Pope also speculates that since women have much more parity with men in the West today, bulging muscles may be one of the few ways that men feel they can still differentiate themselves from women.

He calls this excessive, obsessive muscularity “a last refuge of masculinity for some men in the West.”

The report on the Harvard study appears in the February 2005 issue of the American Journal of Psychiatry.

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Soulforce Protests Against Focus on the Family

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“Mayday!”is an internationally recognized distresssignalusedtoindicatealife-threatening situation, used by the stranded to summon help, by the starving to beckon aid, and by the victim to raise an alarm.

This May Day—Sunday, May 1—the gayrights group Soulforce, Inc., and hundreds of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender (GLBT) individuals, couples, families, and heterosexual allies will converge on the headquarters of right-wing activist James Dobson’s group Focus on the Family in

Photo: Jamie McDaniel at Soulforce

Colorado Springs, Colo. A collective“Mayday” will be sent out to challenge the misinformation about GLBTs that flows to millions of people daily through Dobson’s radio broadcasts, website, e-mail alerts, and other video, audio, and print materials.

Among Dobson’s widely disseminated untruths are claims that gay people want to “destroy” marriage and the family, that homosexuality can be prevented and cured by“reparative therapy,”and that homosexuals have a mental disorder caused by family problems and bad parenting. These pronouncements have the effect of devastating families with misplaced guilt and exacerbating the often desperate shame of gay children everywhere.

The purpose of Soulforce is to work for freedom for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people from religious and political oppression through the practice of relentless nonviolent resistance. On May Day, Soulforce intends to confront Dobson’s anti-gay and anti-American rhetoric, and to celebrate our families.Activitiesincludenonviolenttrainings, a picnic and rally in the park, and a tour of Focus on the Family, including holding hands and eating in their lunch room.

For more information and registration, go to www.soulforce.org.

The MVP training has already been used with rookies and free agents of the Super Bowl champion New England Patriots football team for seven years, and has also taken place on more than 100 college campuses across the country to date.

“The partnership between the Red Sox and Northeastern University’s Center for the Study of Sport in Society is an important one,” said Dr. Charles A. Steinberg, the Red Sox’executive vice president for public affairs.

“And we are grateful to put the Center’s expertise to such good use. It is, of course, vital for our players to know how serious and unacceptable domestic violence is, and this program holds promise to effectively address this issue.”

For more information about the MVP program or the Red Sox–Northeastern partnership, you can contact Kevin Matthews at (617) 373-4256 or k.matthews@neu.edu.

“I believe we can bring that down by working with men,” de León said in an interview recently with the Harlingen Valley Morning Star. “If we can challenge abusive behavior and abusive ideas, we can stop violence from happening.”

In addition to the two existing support groups, de León hopes to add groups for Spanish-speaking men, sexual abuse survivors, and a resource library for men. “Our mission is to support men’s journeys as they challenge violence and oppression,”he said.

“It makes so much sense to do this work.”

For more information on the activities of the Men’s Resource Center of South Texas, go to their website, www.mensresource.org/ southtexas.

Volunteer with Voice Male!

Interested? (413) 253-9887 or voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org

Circle of Many Stones Red Sox and Northeastern Go to Bat Against Gender Violence

Emiliano Díaz de León from the Men’s Resource Center of South Texas.

Lone Star Men’s Work Blooming

The Men’s Resource Center of South Texas continues to grow, opening its first office in Harlingen, gaining IRS approval of its tax-exempt status, training new support group facilitators, and launching a new group for gay, bisexual, and questioning men.

Founded in April 2003, the center has already served about 150 men, according to its director, Emiliano Díaz de León who has sought support and mentoring from the Men’s Resource Center since its founding.

He regularly distributes Voice Male magazine in his region.

De León, who paid his first visit to the MRC at the end of March, said one of his organization’s goals has been to work to provide support to men and also to challenge men’s use of violence, which has contributed to increasing domestic violence rates in South Texas and around the country.

For information on becoming a founding Circle member contact: Rob Okun at raokun@mensresourcecenter.org or Michael Dover at mdover@mensresourcecenter.org

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This spring marks a particular cause for celebration among Boston Red Sox fans.

Not only because of the team’s thrilling reversal last season of 86 years of heartbreak and futility, but because Red Sox players worked on more than their batting, catching, throwing, running, and pitching. The team also underwent training in the prevention of gender violence.

InpartnershipwithNortheasternUniversity’s Center for the Study of Sport in Society, the Red Sox trained their players in the Center’s nationally renowned Mentors in Violence Prevention (MVP) program, an innovative gender violence prevention and education program. The idea of MVP is to motivate men and women to play a central role in solving problems that historically have been thought of largely as“women’s issues”: rape, battering, and sexual harassment. The MVP program views men and women not as potential perpetrators or victims, but as empowered bystanders who can confront abusive peers. This emphasis reduces the defensiveness men often feel, and the sense of helplessness women often feel, when discussing issues of men’s violence against women.

The Men’s Resource Center’s donor society, the Circle of Many Stones, gives members an opportunity to provide a key foundation of support and stability for the MRC. • The Circle of Many Stones welcomes individuals who make three-year pledges at or above $1,000 per year.

• MRC has identified a goal of 20 founding Circle members with contributions totaling $150,000.

Please consider joining.

• On the way to this goal, the Circle of Many Stones currently has ten founding members who have pledged nearly $100,000!

•

7

From Vietnam to Iraq

Manhood in a Time of War

By Rob Okun

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ecently, despite my having filled out a form authorizing my son’s high school not to release his name and address to military recruiters, Jonah, 17, has been getting mail from the Marines.

Already an independent young man with three older feminist sisters, Jonah is highly unlikely to enlist. Nevertheless, he still feels the pressure conventional masculinity continues to exert on young men—40 years after theVietnam anti-war movement began to shape alternative ideas about manhood.

In the ensuing decades, questions about masculinity’s direction have continued to be asked. Today, two years after the U.S. launched the war on Iraq, there are many who believe understanding masculinity— and redefining it—is the central question U.S. society needs to try and answer. And as the war grinds on thousands of miles from our shores, the struggle over the future of masculinity is being joined in town squares from Maine to Massachusetts, and fromTexas toTennessee.The interests battling to keep old-style, conventional masculinity in place at the head of the American family and at the head of the American government are pulling out all the stops. George W. is among their most passionate (if least articulate) proponents. And he has Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, new team member Alberto Gonzalez, and honorary male wannabe Condoleezza Rice all beating the war drum.

• V oice M ale

Decoding the Right

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The linguist and social critic George Lakoff, author of Don’t Think of an Elephant: Know YourValuesandFrametheDebate,hasdecoded the language of the Bush White House and of the extreme right wing of the Republican Party. In so doing, he offers insight into the masculinity debate as well. That debate is clearly spelled out in the ideas of Rev. James Dobson, the evangelical Christian right’s leading moral philosopher, who heads an organization called Focus on the Family which has inaugurated a number of moral masculinity crusades, most recently taking on the animated children’s character SpongeBob SquarePants. Dobson is concerned that SpongeBob might be—perish the thought!—gay!

But that’s not all. Mr. Dobson oversees a multimillion-dollar business enterprise that includes broadcasts carried on hundreds of radio stations and books selling in the millions. One, entitled Dare to Discipline, calls for a return to the “strict father” model of parenting. It is an instructional manual for parents on how to raise their children.

Lakoff summarizes Dobson’s position this way: “The world is a dangerous place and there will always be evil out there…. The world is competitive; there will always be winners and losers. There is an absolute right and an absolute wrong. Children are born

“The principal message boys grow up with is I may have to be a soldier someday and I may have to kill. A central question to consider: Can we create conditions in our society so boys can be freed from that deadly burden?” bad, in the sense that they just want to do what feels good, not what is right. Therefore they have to be made good. So what is needed in such a world is a strict father who can: l Protect the family in the dangerous world l Support the family in the difficult world l Teach his children right from wrong.

“Children need to know discipline and the strict father is the moral authority who knows right from wrong. It is further assumed that the only way to teach children right from wrong is through punishment.”

Punishment is a key concept to keep in mind when thinking about masculinity.

The assumption boys grow into men believing is that if they are not strong enough and tough enough, they are going to be hurt. And the internal assumptions many fathers carry is that if they don’t threaten their sons with punishment for stepping out of line, then their sons will grow up weak and unable to defend themselves in a dangerous world.

Beneath the surface connecting“grow up weak” and “defend themselves” lies the principal message boys grow up with: I may have to be a soldier someday and I may have to kill. A central question to consider: Can we create conditions in our society so boys can be freed from that deadly burden?

Men as “Natural Warriors”

Clearly, male biology has a say in the conversation. That’s a given. But “war does not come naturally to men from biology,” according to Prof. Joshua Goldstein in his 2001 book, War and Gender.“Cultures mold men into warriors by attaching to ‘manhood’ or ‘masculinity’ those qualities that make a good warrior. Warriors,” Goldstein suggests,“require intense socialization and training in order to fight effectively. Gender identity becomes a tool with which societies induce men to fight.”

But gender identity can be redirected into other, more fruitful channels. Professor Goldstein, also the father of an 11-year-old boy, described for me how he and his wife struggled to find a suitable form of roughand-tumble play for his son that didn’t involve toy guns. They hit upon firefighting and outfitted their then much younger little boy with all the accoutrements. The ability to think clearly under pressure, to

be physically strong and to take decisive action to protect others offers a useful direction to boys and young men. One day, after firefighter play had long been established in his home, Professor Goldstein came home to discover his son playing in the living room, both arms ex tended sweeping the room and making a sound he presumed was imitating gunfire.“Oh, no,” he thought. Despite his best efforts to keep it at bay, the culture of boys and guns had invaded his son’s psyche. Casually, he asked him what he was doing. “Oh,” his son said, demonstrating, “I’m putting out a really big fire.”

Flash forward to the firefighters and rescue workers amid the smoldering rubble at Ground Zero at the World Trade Center in the days following September 11 and you can see how this aspect of masculinity was so movingly expressed. (Of course the bravery of women working at the scene was also fully in evidence.)

Two Worldviews

Let’s return to George Lakoff ’s decoding of Reverend Dobson’s stern philosophy.

Lakoff summarizes Dobson’s rationale behind physical punishment like this: When children do something wrong, if they are physically disciplined they learn not to do it again.That means they will develop internal disciplinetokeepthemselvesfromdoingwrong, so in the future they will be obedient and act morally.Without such punishment, the world will go to hell. There will be no morality.

(Readers may cringe, but remember: this is a message an alarmingly large number of mothers and fathers in the United States are now hearing.)

Now, let’s look at Lakoff ’s assumptions about how progressive people understand morality. It, too, comes out of a family model, which Lakoff calls the “nurturant parent” worldview. The strict father model is so named because it sees the father as the head of the family. The nurturant parent model is gender neutral, and assumes both parents are equally responsible for raising children. It also suggests that children are born good and can be made better. The parents’ job is to raise children to make the world a better place, and part of doing so means nurturing their children to nurture others.

U.S. Army Photo: Sgt. Stephanie L. Carl

If men and women cooperatively decide to raise our boys with these values, then we are undermining the strict father model by encouraging freedom over obedience. And by articulating these values in our families, by sharing them explicitly in our communities and championing them in public discourse, we are clearing the path of impediments that would slow boys’journey to healthy manhood. Those of us concerned with our boys taking this journey have to be vigilant in intervening to prevent institutions and customs that seek to encourage boys’ allegiance to the “strict father” worldview.That may mean challenging sports traditions that promote hyper-aggressive ways of getting up for the big game. It may mean organizing alternative programs when military recruiters descend on local high schools. (In western Massachusetts, for example, an organization called theVeterans Education Project sends vets into schools to share a message quite different from the recruiters’ pitch about the experience of serving in the military in wartime.) It may mean confronting authoritarian coaches and teachers who try to limit boys’ full range of emotional expression.

Where the Boys Are

Conscientious Objectors, Then and Now

It may be a surprise to some that killing does not come naturally to men. Professor Goldstein reminds us that societies historically have had to work hard to get men to fight—drafting them, disciplining them, using press gangs to round them up, shooting deserters.

And while there’s a long tradition of pacifism, conscientious objection, and protest in time of war, COs in World Wars I, II, and Korea were a tiny minority and often ridiculed —and jailed—for their principled stands.

During the protests against the Vietnam War in the sixties and early seventies, however, there emerged the first modern example of large numbers of men refusing to go to war who were seen, in an influential subculture, almost as heroes, and certainly not as cowards.

I came of age in that era, reluctantly registering for the draft in June 1968, in the midst of the generational tug of war over our country’s moral direction. By the time my draft lottery number, 64, came up, and I was called for a physical at the old post office in Springfield, Massachusetts, I knew I had no intention of serving in “this man’s army.” Four years of college, half on the streets of the nation’s capital demonstrating against the war while a student at George Washington University, made it clear I was not going to be that kind of man. Nevertheless, regardless of one’s point of view about Vietnam, all 18- to 26-year-old males did have one thing in common: we had enlisted, in the words of writer Susan Faludi, in “the central masculine crisis of [our] generation.”

I recently contributed a chapter to a new book on the sixties called Time It Was, which will be published by Prentice-Hall next year. The following excerpt may shed some light on how some of us navigated the turbulent waters of conventional masculinity in those years: Aslong-haired,rebeliousyoungmen,moving to the pulsing drumbeat of the anti-war protest movement, many of us saw our path to adulthood diverging from the path our peers were taking in the jungles of Viet Nam. I remember one spring driving on the Washington beltway in my brother’sVW, seven of us packed in en route to Baltimore for a concert featuring Janis Joplin & Big Brother and the Holding Company. We came upon a caravan of seven or eight open-backed army trucks tightly filled with soldiers in camouflage uniforms, wearing matching flat-rimmed caps over their closely shaved heads.We were keeping pace with them, us in the left lane and them in the right, heading, for the moment, in the same direction.What we had in common was our age—18, 19, 20—yet we were taking such different roads to manhood. In those days when I saw soldiers I’d shake my head dismissively, not under-standing what drew them to the military. We represented a movementofmenrejectingsoldieringasthedefining ideal of a masculine identity but back then we had no language to describe what we were feeling and what we saw happening. And sadly we never tried to find common ground on which to meet. All we knew then was that our decision to reject the military put us at great risk of being seen as less than“real men.”

(On reflection, I’m sure there were very few among us back then who had begun to consider the issue of homophobia.)The language of war and the growing movement for peace obscured the gender lens we would years later use to understand our experience. What us strapping hetero rebels did appreciate was the support our tribal sisters offered, affirming our virility. As a popular tongue in cheek button and poster from the period read, “Girls Say Yes to Boys Who Say No.”) (Continued on page 23

S pring 2005 •

Also essential to our job of protecting and educating our youth is connecting the dots between what they see and hear suggesting that war is cool—the“shock and awe”of war news on TV, the violence in video games, the armed forces’hypermasculine recruiting pitches—and the epidemic of domestic violence happening at home. As important as it is to ask them to consider what it means that more than 1500 U.S. citizens have been killed and 7 or 8,000 have been wounded since the Iraq War began—along with estimates of Iraqi war dead ranging from 75,000 to 100,000—what do they feel about the murder of women in our own communities, killed by men who believe it is their right to control them? When is society going to begin the conversation connecting peace in the home with peace in our land and abroad?

Boys are witnessing how their fathers treat their mothers. They are seeing how male teachers speak to female teachers.

They are listening to how song lyrics depict girls and women—and boys and men. They are seeing how music videos do, and television shows and movies, pornography and video games. Where is the line between fantasy and reality? Between gender equality and sexual exploitation?

9

Men and Sports

Sports (Violence) Illustrated

• V oice M ale 10

n January 26 of this year, 10 people appeared at a cour thouse in Michigan, all indicted for their roles in a violent outbreak that happened in a basketball arena. There has been much pontificating and public posturing about this incident, but for what it’s worth, as a former basketball official and current group leader in a batterers’ treatment program, I’d like to offer my own analysis of the violence that took place involving pro athletes and spectators, and perhaps to note some points that may have been overlooked.

For starters, let’s go back to the week of November 14, 2004, which turned out to be an eventful one in the sports world, for all the wrong reasons. It started off on Sunday with four black football players being suspended before the Cleveland-Pittsburgh NFL game because of a spitting incident.

Then, on Monday, we had the uproar about the commercial featuring the Philadelphia Eagles’TerrellOwensandDesperateHousewives star Nicolette Sheridan, in which the white actress dropped her towel and jumped into the arms of a black man on national television, right before ABC’s Monday Night Football. Then we had the notorious fight and near-riot involving the Detroit Pistons and Indiana Pacers players, and Pistons fans, alluded to above. This was followed by an incident at the University of South Carolina, where an all-out brawl was attributed to what the players had seen on ESPN the night before: footage of the Pacers-Pistons melee, shown over and over again. (As a sport society, we like to have our violence illustrated, so we don’t miss any nuance.)

Of these four events, without a doubt, the stereotypical pièce de résistance took place at Auburn Hills, Michigan. It started out with a hard foul, then a fight between the Pistons’ Ben Wallace and the Pacers’ Ron Artest. Afterward, I could not help thinking that if the country could care just a smidgen about two black men facing off in a violent confrontation—other than two highly paid and well-known black athletes—then black males between 12 and 34 might not be such an endangered species, because any black man knows that blackon-black crime, which goes largely unmentioned by the white media, is at an alltime high. It is so bad that the chance of one of my two daughters marrying a black male who has not been part of our criminal justice system is one in three.

Having been a basketball referee for 23 years, I could not understand why the NBA officials, along with those at the scorer’s table in Detroit, would allow Ron Artest, a player with a violent rap sheet, to actually lie down on top of the scorer’s table after the initial blows and shoving match, when he should have been over at his own bench with his team! It was like all the people who were

Photo: Duane Burleson (AP)

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By Stephen Jefferson

“If the country could care just a smidgen about two black men in a violent confrontation—other than two highly paid and well-known black athletes—then black males between 12 and 34 might not be such an endangered species.” in charge were having a group brain lock at the same time. And there was also an assault on an official during this game: an object was thrown from the stands that hit one of the referees in the head. This should have given someone in a position of authority a heads-up about the unruliness of the crowd that night.

Then, out of the sky, as it were, comes a cup filled with ice thrown at Artest, still lying on the scorer’s table. Artest, followed by two of his teammates, heads into the stands to go after the fan he thinks threw the ice, and now we have a situation that, believe it or not, is rarely seen in America: black-on-white crime. Yes, I know about O.J., but the reality is that because of socio-economic factors, urban settlement patterns, real estate discrimination, school resegregation, etc., unless we come to an entertainment venue, people of color rarely come in contact with whites in significant numbers these days. And in fact, most professional sports arenas have little racial diversity—much like the ancient Greek and Roman coliseums, where the gladiatorial contests and other spectacles provided entertainment to a very homogeneous group of spectators.

One thing should be made clear: there’s no excuse for any professional athlete to go

into the stands. Safety-wise, it puts everyone at risk, and the consequences of Artest’s attack could be seen quite clearly in the frightened faces of the children in the area of the melee. Players should never be in the stands, and fans should never be on the court or the field—period. But part of the illusion of professional sports is that they’re marketed to fans in a way that makes them feel they can be“part of the game.”As we’ve seen, the consequences can be dangerous.

Our sport society has changed drastically in this country. We no longer see our opponents as the“loyal opposition”; everyone today is either a “winner” or a “loser.” And we have sports radio personalities viciously disparaging both constantly, for shock appeal. So fans can now call in and fire their own shots off, with a radio-host enabler masquerading as a moderator of fairness.

Finally, when we as a society give millions to pampered high school athletes who are still teenagers and don’t help them mature, that is a recipe for disaster. We see the abuse of these children repeated over and over again.

I hope that the NBA and pro sports has learned a lesson from this, but since Ron Artest has been a serial offender, and all he’s received from the league so far are suspensions without needed help, I do not hold out a great deal of hope. Maybe the different teams who draft younger athletes should be held to higher standards in regard to their responsibility to help prepare these young men—not just for the pros, for the life of travel and temptations and dollars and on- and offcourt pressures, but for adulthood. For manhood. It’s time for the people and organizations involved in big-timesports to take responsibility for their actions, and to work together to bring young men to maturity in a culture of nonviolence.

Stephen Jefferson is a former college basketball referee who is the undergraduate program director in the Department of Sport ManagementattheUniversityofMassachusetts, Amherst. He is also a group leader in the Men’s Resource Center’s Men OvercomingViolence (MOVE) program.

Men and Sports Contributions Wanted

Voice Male

Welcomes column ideas.

Contact us at

voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org

The Problem of Sporting Loyalties

By Haji Shearer

Photo: Randi Freundlich

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Author Haji Shearer

“One of the aspects I dislike about big-money pro sports is the unhealthy “win at any cost ” mentality that encourages the lowest common denominator among men: rabid territorialism and even violence, on and off the field.” he was an average player with potential to be better, but he never got very excited about it. I could have pushed him, but seeing him become a great ball player wasn’t in my vision of who he would become.

Not that I discouraged a healthy lifestyle —on the contrary, our family ate nutritious food, got various kinds of physical exercise almost daily, and encouraged optimism.

In fact, one of the aspects I dislike about big-money pro sports is the unhealthy“win at any cost” mentality: a serious player often damages his health by taking steroids, playing injured, and living and working within a culture that encourages the lowest common denominator among men: rabid territorialism and even violence, on and off the field.

This mentality starts in youth athletics.

Sitting in the stands at my son’s early games, I would join with other parents rooting for our kids and their team. But some parents were clearly a bit unstable in their boosterism. This idea that the other team is “evil” starts young. Stories of fans losing their marbles at both youth and pro games are legion. Just recently in this area, Thomas Junta, a hockey dad from Reading, Mass., beat another father, Michael Costin, to death following a practice scrimmage between their sons’teams. And during last year’s American League Championship

Series a Yankees fan, Julio Rodriguez, shot to death Jose Rivera, a Red Sox fan he had been barhopping with. The police found Jose’s body in a van being driven erratically on I-93 in the early morning hours. Then there are the riots that take place after a city’s team wins a major championship.

And while these incidents may be extreme examples of the devotion inspired by sporting loyalties, they speak to a mindset that permeates professional sports idolatry.

After I stopped playing team sports regularly, I maintained my physical awareness through martial arts, biking and yoga.

My wife had never developed an interest in team athletics, so perhaps it was natural for my son and daughter to lean more toward individual, less-hyped sports like motocross and gymnastics. I hadn’t consciously passed my alienation from corporate athletics to my son, but in hindsight it would have been unlikely for him to become a sports zealot when my standard response to “Who you rooting for, Dad?” was “Whoever’s ahead.”

However, I discovered my son’s lack of interest in basketball and football negatively influenced his ability to connect with other boys who I perceived to be alpha males in the making. So, I tried to rekindle my own interest and transmit it to him. Not just to broaden his social circle, but so he could experience some of the genuine joy I had found in playing and watching competitive sports in the pre-cynical days of my youth. Alas, my heart wasn’t in it, and his opinion was pretty well formed by the time I discovered it. My daughter’s school friends, mostly female, didn’t p ut t he sam e so c ial valu e on watching and analyzing the pro games.

Ironically, because she wasn’t turned off to pro sports by the zealotry that my son experienced with other boys, she is more willing to go one-on-one with me now.

These days, if one of my local teams makes it to the playoffs I might watch some of the action on TV, but paying continuous attention throughout the season is a low priority. The recent Super Bowls and the end of the last Red Sox season were exciting even to a sports philistine like me. I prefer for the Patriots and Red Sox to win, but I’m not so attached to the outcome that it causes me pain if they lose. And all the talk last year about “Red Sox Nation” started me thinking more seriously about the phenomenon of corporate athletic jingoism. I believe that when we take sports team loyalties too seriously and demonize the other team and their fans, it creates a more divisive society and spreads animosity between regions and their inhabitants. This may also make it easier to promote political nationalism and the us-versus-them (Continued on page 23)

S pring 2005 •

s I write this, the New England Patriots football corporation—excuse me, franchise—has just bested the Philadelphia Eagles in the highest-grossing spectacle on television, the Super Bowl.

I was happy when the Pats won, but I would have been content if the Eagles had walked off with the Vince Lombardi trophy. I’ve relinquished my loyalties to athletic corporations. And you know what? I’m enjoying the game more.

I grew up in Boston, a loyal fan of the Celtics, Red Sox, and Patriots. (Since at that time there was not one black professional hockey player, I never followed the Bruins.)

In my youthful arrogance, I argued the superiority of my hometown sports franchises as if my own identity were at stake. When I was growing up in the ’70s, the Celtics were winning, so rooting for them was easy. With the Patriots and, God help us, the Red Sox, it was not so easy to be a fan.

I remember sobbing and feeling as much pain when the Celtics were eliminated from the playoffs one year as when my dog died a few months earlier. The first memorable goal I had in my life was to play for the Celtics. Not just in the NBA, but for the Celtics. As a child, I actually felt like players for the Knicks and Lakers and other Celtic rivals were evil. Of course, I had Celtics paraphernalia like T-shirts, hats and sweatbands. I cut pictures and stories about my team from the newspaper and collected them in a scrapbook. I knew who led the team in scoring, rebounds, and assists. I was elated when they won and deflated when they lost. And I argued with people who thought teams from other cities were better. In short, I was not very different from many other boys and men.

Somewhere in my teens, the attachment ended. I think it was the combination of reefer and revolution. Although I could move between cliques more easily than many, I started spending more time with other kids who got high a lot. In that crowd, there was a distrust of, and even disdain for, jocks and athletics. Then I got involved in radical politics, and watching grown men play schoolyard games seemed to conflict with my social activism. I started to admire Kwame Ture more than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Corporate underwriting of the teams, the exorbitant profits made by owners, and the explosion in players’salaries began to overshadow my appreciation of the physical control and artistry of professional athletes. Eventually I stopped paying attention entirely, and secretly felt a little sorry for men who spent major portions of their weekends watching other guys run around a field or court.

After my firstborn child reached school age, I realized he had inherited my disdain for major professional sports. I dutifully enrolled him in baseball and soccer leagues;

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Massachusetts Ballot Questions Undermine Family Safety

Fathers’ Rights, Children’s Best Interests

By Marian Kent, Becky Lockwood and Rob Okun

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n Election Day 2004, citizens in more than 100 Massachusetts communities had an opportunity to express themselves about an issue affecting the lives of tens of thousands of children in the Commonwealth—custody rights after separation or divorce. While the ballot initiative was non-binding, if its terms were ever enacted as law, it would likely have a damaging impact on the lives of children living in postnuclear families.

The questions “passed,” drawing strong support state-wide even though many who supported their recommendations later said they weren’t sure exactly what exactly they were voting for.

Two groups described as advocating for “fathers’ rights” drafted the ballot questions calling for “shared custody”— legislation that if later adopted would require joint custody be awarded in all custody disputes. On their surface, the questions are simple, feel-good initiatives, but in fact they’re not. In reality, they may be seen as a planned effort to undermine current custody laws. With far-reaching implications, the proposed laws could have painful and even dangerous consequences for children caught in the middle of highconflict divorce cases and, in particular, in cases where domestic violence is a factor.

That children may be able to enjoy love from, and connection with, both parents is of course a cherished value, one that no legislation or judicial ruling can mandate.

But trying to create new law, putting parents’ rights over the long-held legal standard of“children’s best interests”(as the proposed changes would) undermines efforts to create an environment where divorcing mothers and fathers can parent with peace and justice. While many citizens may be aware of an individual judge’s decision that seems not to be in a child’s best interest, voters in the future need to recognize the distinction between the effect of a single judge’s bad decision on an individual and the impact of a bad law affecting thousands.

Domestic violence prevention advocates have long recognized that a minority of vocal men have banded together, perhaps out of their own hurt and frustration over individual custody battles, to try to effect sweeping system-wide change.

Sadly, many proponents of these initiatives have attempted in numerous ways to weaken protection primarily for mothers by portraying men accused of abuse as being the “true victims” of a system that has gone overboard in protecting women.

Equally disconcerting is such groups’ use of faulty interpretations of family violence data as a rationale to try to derail efforts of community-based victim service providers.

To make matters worse, they often herald the plight of individual abusers.

Voters in future elections should be wary of a campaign that appears to purposefully exploit our collective desire to protect children by claiming the initiative actually furthers the “best interest of the child” standard. Not true. A close examination of the November ballot initiative suggests a disturbing conclusion: those who drafted the question appear to be more interested in “the best interest of the non-custodial parent” than they are in the child. Whether by design or out of their enormous frustration and sense of hopelessness with family court, such an initiative eliminates, limits or ignores a means for formal consideration of the wishes of the child. The only rights it would create or enhance are those

“We believe strongly in co-parenting, but these proposed laws are not about creating good co-parenting relationships. They aim to circumvent, in those cases involving abuse, the “best interest of the child” standard while leaving the former spouse and the child vulnerable to continued abuse and harassment.” of non-custodial parents. In what we can only hope was a glaring oversight, the language of the initiative makes no explicit provision for dealing with cases where sexual abuse or domestic violence is a factor, and relies on antiquated, oversimplified notions about relationships between parents and children.

In our opinion, there is nothing in these proposals that offers meaningful enhancements to the well-being of children. On the contrary, these ballot initiatives in particular are designed to authorize a shift away from the current“best interest of the child”standard established when the Child Custody Presumption Law was passed in Massachusetts in 1998. That law was vociferously opposed by many of the men in the very groups now claiming to carry a banner on behalf of children.

Let’s be clear. We believe strongly in coparenting when both parents can work together to raise their children in an environment that supports their healthy development, fosters the children’s relationships with each parent, and reduces the impact of parental conflict on children.

Sadly, these proposed laws are not about creating good co-parenting relationships.

Nor are they going to encourage men who are acting abusively to be responsible parents.

They blur the line between the best interest of parents and children and aim to circumvent, in those cases involving abuse, the “best interest of the child” standard

while leaving the former spouse and the child vulnerable to continued abuse and harassment. Future voters are advised to take special note of the sweeping implications of subsequent ballot initiatives.

Massachusetts has made great strides in efforts to protect children and families in the state. Still, in the 12 months from October 1, 2003, to September 30, 2004, two children, sixteen women, four men and two bystanders were victims of domestic violence homicide and at least four children were orphaned as a result of these murders. Voters must not be deceived by promises of simple solutions to issues as complicated as child welfare and domestic violence.

An estimated 43,000 children in the Commonwealth who live in homes where domestic violence exists deserve nothing less.

Marian Kent is executive director of Safe Passage,thebatteredwomen’sagencyserving Hampshire County, Massachusetts.

BeckyLockwoodisassociatedirectorofRape CrisisServicesandViolencePreventionPrograms at the Everywoman’s Center at the University of Massachusetts.

Rob Okun is executive director of the Men’s ResourceCenterofWesternMassachusettsand editor of Voice Male.

Additional resources: www.safepass.org www.umass.edu/ewc www.mensresourcenter.org

Will I Ever Be Forgiven?

Dealing with the Consequences of a Domestic Violence Conviction

By Jake Asbin

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s I write this, I’m sitting in jail. I put myself here out of sheer stupidity: I assaulted my wife of 12 years. I threw away a comfortable, and what I thought was happy, lifestyle. I lost the girl of my dreams—the only woman I ever felt so in tune with. We could sit in a room together, not speaking, and yet there was no uncomfortable silence. Yet now I have to imagine the fear she must have felt, seeing my rage.

I still love her very much and must accept that I will most likely never see or talk to her again.

Yes, my guilt is real. I have nightmares of what happened five months ago. I am losing my hair from worry and stress.

When I don’t have nightmares, I still toss and turn or barely sleep. I never used to think I was a “bad guy.” I never hurt any other woman in my 42 years of life. I was a homebody husband. I thought I did everything I could for my wife. But I forgot one thing: I never protected her from me.

The shame and embarrassment I feel are real, and it hurts me more than words can explain. The arduous task of forgiveness eludes me. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. How could I resort to being violent instead of knowing how to communicate my anger? How did I allow my anger to consume me? Why did I hurt the one person who mattered so much to me?

Since I’ve been incarcerated, I’ve become accustomed to the finer points of jail: showering, shitting, and sleeping with no privacy ; enduring other inmates who neglect basic hygiene; eating tasteless and non-nutritional food.Then there’s noise, violence, hate, racism, extortion, hopelessness, and finally, my own private guilt, stress, and shame.

At the same time, I have sought out the beginning of some form of help. I guess I’m seeking redemption. I hope so—I do have quite a lot to atone for. And by attending two groups—Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) and anger management—I see where I need to improve my lifestyle and my thought process.

I have learned and appreciated my weekly MOVE group the most. I have always felt my warning signs—my red flags telling me that my anger is rising and a violent

outburst is imminent—but I was never able to be more aware of them. And don’t get me wrong—I’m not an angry fellow by nature. But I felt these red flags that fateful day against my wife, and was powerless to stop my aggression. Now I have had my red flags appear on a few occasions here in jail, and I was able to sense that a minor problem or disagreement was about to mushroom into something bigger. The resulting warning signs allowed me the time, however short, to deflate my rising anger and instead to try to communicate my differences with my fellow inmate.

I guess every man dreams of a second chance. I hope I will get that chance someday, when I finally forgive myself. Until that happens, however, I must always take full responsibility for what I did and work as hard as I can to do something about it so it will never happen again. The only positive my life has right now is what I continue to learn from MOVE. I plan to continue my affiliation with and participation in MOVE so that I can keep moving forward with my process. I have seen my shortcomings and must strive for my improvement, both now and in the future.

Jake Asbin was sentenced to 12 months for assault and battery in the Hampshire County (Mass.) Jail and House of Correction, where he attends the MRC’s Men OvercomingViolence (MOVE) group for prisoners led by SteveTrudel.

Try the MRC’s Drop-in

MEN’S SUPPORT GROUPS

IN NORTHAMPTON

Open to all men.

Tuesdays, 6:45-8:45 PM Council on Aging, 240 Main St. IN AMHERST

Open to all men.

Sundays, 7-9 PM at the MRC IN GREENFIELD

Open to all men.

Wednesdays, 7-9 PM Network Chiropractic, DHJones Building, Mohawk Trail FOR GAY, BISEXUAL & QUESTIONING MEN

Open to all gay, bisexual, gay-identified F-to-M trans men & men questioning orientation Mondays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC FOR MEN WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED CHILDHOOD NEGLECT AND/OR ABUSE

Open to all men who have experienced any form of childhood neglect and/or abuse (physical, emotional or sexual) Fridays, 7-8:30 PM, at the MRC FACILITATED BY TRAINED VOLUNTEERS FREE & CONFIDENTIAL

MEN’S RESOURCE CENTER 236 N. PLEASANT ST., AMHERST

(413)253-9887 mrc@mensresourcecenter.org

S pring 2005 •

“I guess every man dreams of a second chance.

I hope I will get that chance someday, when I finally forgive myself. Until that happens, however, I must always take full responsibility for what I did and work as hard as I can so it will never happen again.”

Looking to Connect?

13

Emerging from “Internal Winter”

• V oice M ale

M en O vercoming D epression

By Michael Burke

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inter has long been the most difficult time for me emotionally, and that seems to be true for many people, especially those who are prone to depression. I used to think I had seasonal affective disorder (SAD), in fact, until I became quite depressed one summer and realized I needed to dig further to uncover the roots of this affliction, which in many ways remains elusive. Simply saying “It’s all just chemicals in the brain” doesn’t help much. We feel what we feel.

Still, winter is a season of particular discontent. And I don’t mean only the winter outside: winter passes into spring, but there’s an internal winter, too. For me, winter—with its short gray days, lack of light, frigid temperatures, and icy, snowy, slushy surfaces—mimics in the external world the inner conditions of depression.

For the depressed state is nothing if not gray, dark, and cold. There’s a frozen quality to it, a glacial stasis, and an unyielding, unending appearance to it, as if it could go on and on indefinitely. Eventually it ends, but one of the defining features of depression is that hopeless, trapped feeling that it will never end—a phenomenon Rilke described in one of his Sonnets to Orpheus (II, 13): “For among these winters there is one so endlessly winter/ that only by wintering through it will your heart survive.”

Thus winter triggers, reinforces, and exacerbates the symptoms of depression: the cold and snow make me not want to go outside, which I don’t feel like doing anyway when I’m depressed. If I don’t get outdoors and at least take a walk, I don’t get as much fresh air and exercise. Since I’m home- and workbound more, I see fewer of my friends and neighbors and less often.

I may need to make a special effort to get myself out and among other people—which may be more than I can manage when depression locks me in place. This confinement then becomes self-imposed and self-perpetuating, and leads to isolation and fur ther depression, with the possibility that, cut off from human contact, my thoughts and fears and feelings may turn in on themselves, becoming irrational or unrealistic, even paranoid or delusional.

If I don’t have others to talk to, how can I know if I’m making sense?

Which brings me to the notion of escape.

In my view, escape is very necessary to our existence—at all seasons. It may even be that escape—or fantasy, or dreaming, or the imagination—is a key element in what makes us human. For how else did people invent religion, poetry, toys, music, philosophy, eros, sports, flower gardening— but out of a desire to temporarily evade the daily round, to while away the downtime by indulging in some speculative, nonessential, perhaps creative, “fun” pursuit?

Perhaps owing to our Puritan heritage —or in my case the Irish Catholic guilt complex—many white Americans take an ambivalent view of escape. The POW who escapes from unjust confinement is a hero of course, and vacations to sunny climes are attractively marketed as “Escapes from Winter.” But “escapist” literature or entertainment is derided as shallow junk or trash (“trashy novels”), and the person who watches TV or movies and eats Ben & Jerry’s and Dunkin’ Donuts on the couch to“escape”is looked on as suspect—perhaps not morally strong enough or intellectually smart enough to deal with reality, or at least incapable of appreciating more exalted, highbrow fare. “Get a life,” we say—even when that person is us.

I think we should be less judgmental, and more compassionate, about what constitutes our own or our fellows’ preferred form of escape. All literature is escapist—from Danielle Steel to James Joyce—and so are all movies and all other forms of entertainment. Even a disturbing documentary about the Holocaust or Abu Ghraib, while nonfictional and informative, is an escape from today, here, now, a temporary alternative to living our own present-moment reality. Religion, politics, incessant news-watching—all can be escapes from other concerns closer to home. Sex can be at the same time an intimate grounding moment in a relationship and a pleasurable, even ecstatic escape from the humdrum chores of domestic life.

We need to escape sometimes. There’s nothing wrong with escape per se, and we’ve all done it. We do it all the time. It’s a way of distracting the mind and the senses and diverting them into other channels, a way of refreshing ourselves and recharging our batteries to make ready for the next moments of life, the next challenges we’ll need to focus on, whether down the road or tomorrow morning. It’s like eating and sleeping—both also escapes.

While still being compassionate with ourselves and others, however, it’s important to recognize that there are more and less healthy forms of escape. This is not an aesthetic consideration—my Dostoyevsky novel trumps your monster-truck rally— or a moral judgment, but rather an acknowledgment of the need to look at what we are escaping and how, and how often. If

I am putting off work, avoiding friends, shunning family, failing to return phone calls, and spending increasing amounts of time watching TV, drinking, overeating, staying online, playing computer games, etc., that may be a sign of depression.

Something in my life is getting me down, and I am searching for all sorts of ways not to look it in the face. My “avoidance behavior”should raise questions in my mind: What am I avoiding in my life and why, and what means am I choosing to accomplish that avoidance (and with what frequency)?

I imagine I’m like most others in that I’ve used many activities, substances, and people to escape with. Most of these are innocuous and inoffensive, in and of themselves. Some are even necessary, as noted above. But some can be addictive or otherwise unhealthy—men in particular are prone, as illuminated by the research of therapist-author Terrence Real and others, to fall under the sway of pornography, alcohol and drug abuse, gambling addictions, violent behavior, excessive eating or spending, and sexual acting out. These behaviors are obviously harmful—not only to the man who is doing them but to those around him—and more-over they are a sign, or should be a sign to him, that he is depressed, that something is not working in his life that is causing him to act out obsessively and escape into addictions.

At more mundane levels, there are distinctions in what might seem to be similar activities. There’s a difference between enjoying a glass of wine or two with dinner, or having a martini to relax, and binge drinking or putting away a six-pack a night in front of the tube. There’s a difference between seeking out sympathetic friends to talk to, or going to a support group, and participating in desultory gripe sessions at the office or“my partner doesn’t understand me” jags at the local bar. All of these might qualify as “escapes,” but the former is more likely to calm and uplift us and help us feel more connected, while the latter may just keep us down, treading water in the same stuck place.

There are lots of good, healthy, enjoyable escapes. My sister-in-law just returned from a trip to Florida, and reported that she was glad she went, but happy also to get back home. That’s the way an escape should work —in the end it leads us back to our own life, refreshed and ready to deal once more with its challenges and opportunities.

And that’s where I’d like to be—not in Florida under a palm tree, but here, now, present in my own life. Which is where you’ll find me—after I take a break.

Michael Burke is a freelance writer and editor and managing editor of Voice Male. He also serves as a volunteer support group facilitator at the Men’s Resource Center.

The “Outing” of Celebrities

When Lincoln Met SpongeBob

By Elise Kramer

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“Uncle Abe isn’t the only historical figure whose bed habits are being debated seven score and four years after the fact— but nothing beats the absurdity of outing a fictional character, especially one that isn’t even human.” the other team (if you know what I mean), held an emergency press conference to dispel any uncertainty about his heterosexual tendencies. (Editor’s note: Piazza was recently married, to a woman.)

But nothing beats the absurdity of outing a fictional character, especially one that isn’t even human. This, too, has been done in spades, perhaps the most salient example being Rev. Jerry Falwell’s 1999 attack on Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubby with a triangle-shaped antenna who carries a little red purse with him wherever he goes. Given that the Teletubbies have abdominal television sets in lieu of genitalia and live under the constant, benevolent gaze of a glowing baby head, it seems unlikely that they would spendanysignificantamountoftimeengaged in copulation—although the purse-equalsgay argument is a persuasive one.

More recently, people have questioned the sexual orientation of one of the most influential personalities of the previous decade: SpongeBob SquarePants. According to a Jan. 21 article on Reuters,“SpongeBob, who lives in a pineapple under the sea, was ‘outed’ by the U.S. media in 2002 after reports that the TV show and its merchandise are popular with gays.” Even Reuters doesn’t take this stuff seriously; isn’t that the most convincing sign possible that we’ve crossed the line from an informed society tooneobsessedwithtriviality?Yetwecontinue obsessing, for two basic purposes. One is defamation; people (and animated sponges) are accused of being gay in order to malign them in the public eye. To discuss this approach, which presupposes that homosexuality is evil, would take far more than the space I have here, so forgive me if I gloss over it at the moment.

Then there is the normalization motive, wherein people point to gay celebrities in order to prove that—in the least paranoid

sense of the phrase—gay people are all around us. The ultimate goal is to show that homosexuality is not a hindrance or a shameful secret but a quality present in all types of people during all historical periods. This was likely the impetus for Tripp, and all others who enthusiastically and retroactively out historical figures. The motivation is not ignoble at its heart, but it’s counterproductive.

Reassuring as it may be that sexual orientation has been reduced from a taboo topic to Us Weekly fodder, it doesn’t detach the sense of shame from a non-normative orientation to out people who categorically deny the label, as Cruise and Piazza did.

The media’s obsession with uncloseting celebrities reeks of the famous Seinfeldian refrain: “Not that there’s anything wrong with that!” The implication is, of course, the opposite: “There is something wrong with that, but I won’t be the one to say it.”

To cover up facts would be contrary to the spirit of journalistic integrity—however, so is sensationalizing things that ought to be, for all intents and purposes, relegated to trivia status. Perhaps Lincoln’s famous whiskers weren’t his only beard, Plato gave Aristotle a lot more than his tutelage, and SpongeBob enjoys engaging in SpongeAnalSex with other SpongeMales (if you know what I mean); is there any reason we should care? Only when considering the lucrative possibility of gay historicalfiction pornography.

Elise Kramer is a junior in the College of Human Ecology at Cornell University in Ithaca, N.Y. Shecanbecontactedateak32@cornell.edu.

This column originally appeared in the Cornell Daily Sun (cornelldailysun.com) on January 26, 2005, and is used by permission.

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uch ado has been made lately aboutTheIntimateWorldofAbraham Lincoln, a new book written by psychologist and sex researcher C. A. Tripp shortly before his death. Taking into account Lincoln’s dearth of close friends and his icy marriage to Mary Todd, Intimate World arrives at the conclusion that one of Lincoln’s favorite pastimes was smoking a little stovepipe (if you know what I mean).

It’s certainly not a new rumor; in 1978, Lincoln was tenuously referenced in the name of the Log Cabin Republicans, who sought to provide a voice for gay Republicans by distancing themselves from the label as much as possible.

I first heard about Tripp’s book—and the resulting controversy—while watching two talking heads duke it out on CNBC. Many weighty issues were raised, such as: 1. Abraham Lincoln had sex with men.

2. Abraham Lincoln did not have sex with men.

3. No, seriously, he totally took it up the butt.

After enduring 10 minutes of this verbal Ping-Pong match, I had only one question: Who cares? Isn’t there a war going on somewhere, or at least people engaging in fights to the death over DVD players at Wal-Mart?

Sadly, plenty care, and Uncle Abe isn’t the only one whose bed habits are being debated seven score and four years after the fact. Americans have a long and storied tradition of posthumously outing historical figures, foisting the honor upon such influential personages as Plato, Shakespeare, Alexander the Great, Virgil, and three of the four Ninja Turtles’ namesakes (apparently Raphael was the only one tempted by April’s pneumatic figure).

This despite the fact that the dichotomous concept of homosexuality and heterosexuality didn’t even exist until the late 19th century, and that pederasty was the ancient Greek equivalent of miniature golf. Applying a modern construct to an entirely different culture ex post facto is meaningless to begin with, but to treat the results as a profound statement on societal mores is simply a waste of time.

Speculation isn’t limited to the deceased, of course. Even greater amounts of time are squandered in a thorough examination of the current celebrity roster—sometimes to farcical effect. In 2001, Tom Cruise filed not one but two $100 million lawsuits: one against an “erotic wrestler” who claimed that he’d had a fling with the toothy actor, and another against a man who advertised “home videos” that he and Cruise had allegedly made together.

Even our athletes, the country’s finest specimens of androgen-drenched masculinity, aren’t safe from the prying eyes of a curious public. Mets catcher Mike Piazza, responding to rumors that he batted for

15

M en & H ealth

Men’s Emotional Challenges in Midlife

Enormous Changes at the Last Minute

A

By Kathleen W. Wilson, M.D.

s men move into their 40s and 50s, the connections among their brain cells actually increase in complexity.

This translates into more thinking and feeling. The wonderful part of this is that it allows a man to change—no matter how emotionally limited his parents may have been, he can become more loving, positive, and generative as he ages.

But sometimes these brain changes may affect a man’s relationship with his wife or partner, in particular colliding with the irritability that affects many women at the same age. They may also engender feelings and thoughts that are uncomfor table: ruminations about the worth of his life andoccupation,questions aboutthe direction he has taken and the choices he has made, confusion about what to do next, fears about growing older and facing death. These feelings can combine to create what we often call a“midlife crisis,”with the potential for depression, affairs, and alcohol or drug addiction.

Confusing and painful as they may be, these feelings, along with the“new freedom” of midlife, also have the potential to transform men’s lives into something healthier, more coherent and whole.

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Depression: When Men Are the Last to Know

16

A man and his loved ones often do not know he is depressed, because men tend not to like words that imply vulnerability. Instead, a man may experience anhedonia, where he loses his joy, his sense of pleasure, the glad feeling when he sees his wife and children, and the satisfaction of past accomplishment. Irritability and anger are other symptoms of depression in men.

Counseling helps, but only if a man avails himself of the confidential therapeutic relationship. Often he equates seeing a mental health expert with “weakness” and will not go.

If the standard treatment of antidepressants and counseling will not work in a specific case, the non-medicinal treatments include daily aerobic exercise, a good diet, and prioritizing duties and obligations to include only those that are absolutely necessary.

Time spent outdoors or in contented conversation with family is a source of solace. A new interest or hobby can be a surprisingly effective lateral exit from a depression. Because men may be unwilling to talk about their depression—or may be unaware of it—sometimes it is the wife or partner who alerts the doctor to a man’s depression during a clinic visit.

Affairs and the Road Not Taken

For every step forward we take in life, we have to say “no” to something else. Every moment spent studying or working is

“Brain changes in a midlife man may engender feelings and thoughts that are uncomfortable: ruminations about the worth of one’s life and occupation, questions about the direction one has taken and the choices one has made, confusion about what to do next, fears about growing older and facing death.

These feelings can combine to create a ‘midlife crisis.’” time not spent on the riverbank in the warm spring sun. But the road not taken does not go away. In Jungian psychology, it is called the Shadow. It gathers strength, and can hit with terrific emotional impact at midlife. The doubts about whether a person made the right choices in his life, the regrets for the love or fun or kindness he did not have or did not take time for, may be idealized in another person, often a younger woman.

Another psychological theory that pertains here is that of the Animus. All women have some masculine aspects to their personalities, and all men have some feminine aspects, but these are often suppressed as people go about their daily roles. As both men and women reach midlife, they seek a wholeness, an amalgamation of their other half. The beloved in an affair may be the mirror of a man’s Animus, his own soul reaching out to be complete, and the woman is mistaken for this entity. The Animus can pack a tremendous wallop in the emotional world of the midlife man.

Practically speaking, pornography has also changed the way men look at their love lives. When they watch it on the Internet or on adult TV channels, they imagine that they have been missing out on something that is rightfully theirs: perfect bodies, hot sex, multiple partners, etc. Often they do not stop to think that what is shown on the screen is seldom what real people enjoy.

This notion of having missed something may cause them to seek an affair.

For men, affairs can seem to“just happen,” without their giving much thought to the consequences. The fact that a man has an affair does not always mean that his marriage was unhappy, or that he wanted it to end.

Often, the person who had the affair regrets it and wants to be forgiven. This is hard for every family. Counseling with a good marriage counselor who believes in saving the marriage, truthfulness on behalf of the erring spouse, and of course, stopping the affair completely are first steps to save a marriage. Most people do not realize what a tremendous asset a good, long-term marriage is emotionally and materially until it has been lost.

When the Son Becomes a Father

Depression and unease may follow when a man becomes a father. Soon after the birth

of his first child, a man may experience emotional pain because of the loss of the relationship with his wife. She must now divide her attention between her husband and the new child, so she will be more tired and less sexually available.

Men may also feel that they are not measuring up as a father, causing an experiential gap between who they want to be and who they are. They may feel shame over these ambivalent feelings toward their children, feelings they may only be able to process later, at midlife, when they have the time and the resources.

Similarly, in his 40s a man may find that his relationship with his own father becomes more ambivalent as his father declines mentally and physically. This experience will be more intense if none of the antagonistic feelings between father and son were ever acknowledged or resolved.

Success and the Midlife Crisis

Up until his mid-40s, a man may remain emotionally repressed. Then two things happen. First, he acquires enough success that he does not have to devote all of his time to“defending his castle and occupying more land.” He also realizes that he wants to receive the payoff for all his work and self-denial—in other words, to be valued and loved, and to get more pleasure out of life. By age 50 he realizes that he will soon become old and that his body and energy may deteriorate before he gets his share of fun out of life. He feels the need to seek gratification before it is too late.

He may never have spoken to his wife about his inner feelings because that would have challenged his concept of masculinity.

It is even more difficult for him to share these emerging concerns with her now.

This man needs counseling to sort through his priorities, look back on his life’s path and accomplishments, and formulate new goals for the second half of his life. Often he has a profound emotional disconnectedness, and it is essential that he make an effort now to connect emotionally with his family and friends, rather than just working harder. Sometimes he may actually need to be “taught ” how to have fun. He may experience depression during this period as well, especially if he has suffered a big loss, such as losing his wife and family through divorce.

Alcohol and Drug Use

Alcohol dependence is common in midlife men who work at difficult, stressful jobs, and reach for alcohol at the end of the day to relax—and to suppress unresolved (and unwanted) feelings. This pattern is a kind of dependence.Ten percent of the population has the genetic predisposition to become alcoholic, and this is one way it starts. Each person has to decide for himself whether or not he is alcoholic and whether his life has become unmanageable. If alcohol has hurt him and those he loves, Alcoholics Anonymous is still the best way to get sobriety.

There are now online AA groups that have helped a number of people.

Equally dangerous is prescription drug dependence. Often because of a chronic pain problem, a person can become addicted to narcotics and it may change his personality and his ability to function as a human being.

This addiction often requires treatment by a specialist in chemical dependency and pain management.

Don’t Despair!

The good news is that the brain continues to mature in men as they move into their 50s, so they can add joy and emotional coherence to their lives and their relationships at this critical point. But the emerging feelings they encounter at midlife may also conspire to rock a formerly stable situation. Being aware of the potential for these feelings to create the conditions for depression, affairs, and alcohol or drug dependence is crucial for men ma k i ng a he a l thy tra n s i ti o n through midlife.

Mayo Clinic–trained internal medicine specialist Kathleen W. Wilson, M.D., is the author of Your Husband’s Health: Simplify Your Worry List, from which this column is excerpted. She is also the author of Health for Midlife Women: When You Think You Are Falling Apart, and Brain Maintenance: Preventing Stroke and Delaying Dementia.

She was formerly a lieutenant colonel in the medical corps of the U.S. Air Force, and now practices at the Ochsner Clinic in New Orleans.

Visitherwebsiteatwww.boomermedicine.com.

ROB OKUN

Officiating at Weddings for Couples in Massachusetts & Beyond (413) 253-7918 RAOkun@comcast.net

By Carl Erikson

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or anyone interested in the conditions and actions of men, The Irritable Male Syndrome by Jed Diamond will be fascinating and challenging. Based on a study of almost 9,500 men and boys ages 10 to 70, Diamond posits a complex of forces, training, and science that turn large numbers of adolescent and middle-aged men into irritable, angry, and impossible human beings.The Irritable Male Syndrome, according to Diamond, affects everyone around the man and is the cause of angry and frustrated wives, partners, and children and leads to a whole host of dangerous and disruptive results for families and businesses, and probably communities and nations as well.

The author defines Irritable Male Syndrome as: “a state of hypersensitivity, anxiety, frustration, and anger that occurs in males and is associated with biochemical changes, hormonal fluctuations, stress, and loss of male identity.” (7) It is a condition that can arise at any time in boys and men, but is particularly common among adolescent boys and midlife men. Its most apparent symptoms are being hypercritical of others and denying all personal responsibility for the rising tensions and violence, particularly in the family.

Diamond makes it clear from the outset that he is presenting a very complex idea that more often than not is several steps removed from what can be easily seen and understood. Nonetheless, some sections of the book seem to be unconnected to his topic or to be material inexplicably lifted from Diamond’s previous books, most notably Male Menopause. This makes for frustrating reading at times.

Part 2 of the book, comprising four chapters, gathers together in a very readable fashion an enormous range of research and information about men. This includes physical, psychological, and social information about men and their behaviors. This information is invaluable for any individual or organization that works with men directly or indirectly. Some readers may find the information hard to accept, however, because it undermines much of what is seen as“common knowledge” about men and presents men as being in need of substantial help of many kinds.

Diamond titles Chapter 5 very provocatively: “The End of Men: Are Males an Endangered Species?” His answers to this question point out many situations that are likely to set off the Irritable Male Syndrome. According to Diamond, male productiveviability—theabilitytoimpregnate —is falling rapidly, apparently the result of environmental damage. In the classroom, boys are falling further and further behind in achievement: boys are three times more likely to be in special education classes than girls, and in a study of highly successful

The Irritable Male Syndrome

By Jed Diamond Rodale Press, 2004 253 pp. plus notes and index

students only 37 percent were boys. Jobs, often the ultimate measure of masculinity, look less and less stable, or even possible, to men. Not only are the jobs disappearing overseas, but women are taking over a higher and higher percentage of jobs in many fields. Women now hold 72.1 percent of insurance adjuster positions, and there are now six times as many women in legal positions as there were in 1970. Sexual harassment laws and regulations, says Diamond, have substantially undermined male confidence in building relationships with women, particularly female coworkers —who are, given today’s long work hours, often a man’s primary female contacts.

To counterbalance what is often a very gloomy portrayal of IMS and its consequences, Diamond insists, on the basis of his many years as a psychotherapist with many male clients, that the effects of IMS can be managed to reduce its many negative impacts, and that it eventually passes.

When the biochemical and hormonal fluctuations settle down again, the intense effects of the syndrome fade for most men.

They remain, of course, to be set off from time to time by further fluctuations or a period of high stress. However, Diamond does not provide a clear treatment plan and seems to overrely on the patience of a spouse or parent. As unfortunate as this omission is, it probably just reflects the complex interplay of forces involved in the syndrome and the newness of Diamond’s analysis.

Although often a frustrating read, The Irritable Male Syndrome is a valuable contribution to the science and practice of men’s health and the welfare of people affected by men. In particular, it may provide important insights to those counseling adolescent boys and adult men with marriage problems, and to those working with men accused of domestic violence.

Carl Erikson is the Men’s Resource Center’s director of operations and a frequent contributor to Voice Male.

S pring 2005 •

Justice of the Peace

Irritable Males?

B ook R eview

Success has a peculiar connection to midlife depression in men. Often a man has achieved in spite of early childhood obstacles, only to feel empty as he gets into his 40s because he never dealt with his early difficult feelings of rejection, shame, or sadness.

Sometimes he symbolically reaches out for something he feels he should have had earlier in life.

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• V oice M ale

O utlines • G ay & B isexual V oices

Once Upon a Time When I Had AIDS

18

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By Les Wright

AN FRANCISCO, 1980. I first heard the rumors from my roommate “Big” Jim. Jim worked as a clerk at Dino’s Liquors, on Eighteenth Street just above Castro, and thus caught all the gossip on the street. He said guys were coming into the store talking about some sort of weird “gay cancer.”

Word spread like wildfire. Most men in the Castro responded with disbelief, incredulity mixed with paranoia, followed by only half-believed words of reassurance, as much to themselves as to each other. This was clearly someone’s bad idea of spoiling the party that was Castro Street in those days. How could there be a gay cancer? Is this supposed to be proof of homosexual decadence? Is it a government plot? Who is making this crap up?

The unnerving part was that the rumors did not go away.

And then there were people we actually knew who got sick one day, ghastly, horribly sick, and were dead in two weeks. This was no paranoid fantasy or baseless, vicious rumor.

We started to freak out, big time.

Looking back 25 years, I remember the gradual rise in the atmosphere of fear and anxiety, of horror, of “there is no escape.”

Life in the Castro in the early 1980s was like a dystopic sci-fi movie. Something truly monstrous had arrived, and every day meant getting up and facing the nightmare all over again.

I remember the relentlessness of it. I remember the sheer terror and confusion, the uncertainty. I remember people arguing about whether you got “it”through kissing or breathing the air, using someone else’s toothbrush, whether we all needed to stop having sex now. I remember the anguished struggle of men trying to stop having sex and failing. I remember other men who stopped having sex, holed up and never came out. I remember the street party that was Castro Street 24/7 evaporating overnight.

Castro became a ghost town.

I was having lots of sex, with lots of men.

As a neighborhood T-shirt put it, “So many men, so little time.”(Little did we know what a cosmically dark joke that would turn out to be.) Men I had had sex with—no one “dated” in those days—suddenly turned up dead. Phone calls went unanswered; someone who knew the man I had tricked with the weekend before would pass on the news. Big Jim would come home from the liquor store each day with a list of names, men he’d heard had died.

Both of my roommates of that time, “Big” Jim and“Little”Jim, eventually died of AIDS. I would go on to have another 42 roommates over the next four years in that house, and nearly all of them are now dead, mostly from AIDS-related causes. At least two downstairs neighbors also died of AIDS, including one whose fundamentalist parents showed

up from the Midwest to deal with a very sick and berserk, drug-addicted little boy.

Our landlord also died from AIDS. In the middle of this horror I got sober.

That had nothing to do with AIDS. That had to do with a seriously declining trajectory, with binges that were lasting several days at a time. It had to do with my realizing I was going to die, within months if not weeks, if I did not stop drinking.

In the deepest trough of that first wave of AIDS, some guys actually thought giving up drugs and alcohol would save them. Because maybe the“gay lifestyle”—staying up all night on drugs, having countless sex partners at the bath houses, doing poppers on the dance floor every night—was causing AIDS. All of a sudden, gay AA, a fairly small undertaking,exploded,andgaymenstartedshowing up in hordes, getting sober to stay alive, using sobriety almost as a talisman to ward off AIDS. There was a lot of sharing in the meetings about AIDS—and a lot of angry debate over whether AA was the proper place to discuss this “outside” issue. Of course the sharing went on, and I found community, commonality, and support with my fellow recovering drunks and addicts. We all talked about our fears of AIDS, every single day.

And we talked about our grief, the loss of one friend after another. We talked about being so totally overwhelmed by the immensity of our losses, which continued to grow.

We talked about surviving and staying sane and not picking up the next drink— even as we despaired that there would ever be a day when everyone was no longer dying of AIDS. It was horrible beyond description to live through. Imagine everyone you know, your entire community—your generation, your culture, your gay“civilization”—getting sick and dying.

All of this happened while Ronald Reagan was still refusing to even say the word AIDS. By the time he did, in 1985, it seemed nearly everyone I knew had died or was sick. The gay AIDS epidemic had destroyed my world, and straight America was still completely clueless. AIDS was just some weird shit happening to nasty people, who probably deserved it.We had become unmentionable, our existence denied, the horror of our daily life something we would do better to keep silent about.

I have photos of the group of guys I went through alcoholism treatment with. All of them—Dennis, Mark, Charlie, Rick, Dan— are now dead, all of AIDS. The only survivors are myself and our counselor, John Beeman, who retired to Sonoma County in the 1990s.

Most of the friends I ran around with in early sobriety, my boyfriends and my boyfriends’ exes, died from AIDS. My AA sponsor Doug M., who loved me unconditionally, and relentlessly, who supported me and talked to me and mothered

“I am now completely medication-free, and am in better physical health than ever before. I am back “on the beam” in pursuing a spiritually awake life, striving for balance and acceptance, and opening myself up again to the wonderful possibilities of living.” me, I suppose, through so many nightmare months, also died early on. I saw one man after another, by the dozens and into the hundreds, get sober and then die. All of gay AA in San Francisco remains haunted by the AIDS dead for me.

In January 1982 I came down with a case of hepatitis B. I had managed to spend the preceding six months being sexual with two men only. (I was experimenting with being in a more or less monogamous relationship, in sobriety, for the first time in my life.) Both of my sexual partners, as it turned out, tested positive for hepatitis A. Our three doctors got in touch with each other, and none of them could explain where my hep B had come from. I was very, very sick for the next six months.

Years later I would piece together that this was my “seroconversion syndrome”—I had been infected (at the latest) sometime in 1981. Both men I had been involved with were infected with HIV. Mike, a career firefighter with the SFFD, died of lung cancer (it killed more quickly than HIV) in 1990.

Ken, who had been a mentor and my department chair at Berkeley, died of skin cancer in 2002.

At first I refused to be tested; for political reasons, I joined the protest against what seemed like a serious violation of civil liberties. However, I did eventually go in for testing, sometime around 1986. My results came back“positive to exposure to the HTLVIII virus.” (At least they weren’t calling it GRID—“gay-related immune deficiency”— anymore.) The woman who tested me gave me a personal history interview. She chirped, “You fit exactly the highest-risk group. It’s a miracle you are even alive today.”(She was outdone only by my mother, who, when I disclosed my HIV+ status, told me with her usual lack of maternal empathy, “Well, frankly, we suspected that all along. And we expected you would have died long before this.”)

At the time, I thought knowing for sure would put my mind at ease. Instead, the diagnosis brought on worse days to come. In 1989 I entered a profound clinical depression.

I also got sick. I underwent some drug trials and ended up on welfare. I spent half my (Continued on page 24)

For more info or to submit new entries for Men’s Resource Center GBQ Resources contact us at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10 or voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org

AIDS Project of Southern Vermont Contact: (802) 254-4444. Free, confidential HIV/AIDSservices,includingsupport,prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities.

Continuum Support group for the gender variant/transgender community. Goal: to provide support/ resources to individuals dealing with gender, and to provide a space where medical transition is not central. Meetings: third Tuesday of the month, at PrideZone in Northampton, from 7 - 9 p.m. For more information/directions contact Zane Barlow at (413) 221-5769 or email zane_Barlow@ yahoo.com.

East Coast Female-to-Male Group Contact: Bet Powers (413) 584-7616, P.O. Box 60585 Florence Station, Northampton MA 01062, betpower@yahoo.com. Peer support group for all female-to-male transgendered, crossdressers, transsexuals, or partners and significant others. Meetings 2nd Sundays in Northampton, 3-6 p.m.

Free Boyz Northampton Social/support meetings for people labeled female at birth who feel that’s not an accurate description of who they are. Meet 1st and 3rd Mondays, 7 p.m. at Third Wave Feminist Booksellers, 42 Green Street, Northampton.

Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Men’s Support Group Free,drop-in,peer-facilitated.Monday,7-9p.m.

Men’s Resource Center, 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA. For information: Allan Arnaboldi, (413) 253-9887, ext. 10.

Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project Support, shelter, advocacy and referral services for male victims of domestic vio-

lence. Contact: (800) 832-1901. Offices in eastern and western Mass. www.gmdvp.org GLAD (Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders) Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders is New England’s leading legal rights organization dedicated to ending discrimination based on sexual orientation, HIV status and gender identity and expression.

Contact: 30 Winter St., Suite 800, Boston, MA 02108. Tel: (617) 426-1350, Fax: (617) 426-3594, gladlaw@glad.org, www.glad.org.

Legal Information Hotline: (800) 455-GLAD (4523). GLAD’s Legal Information Hotline is completely confidential.

Trained volunteers work one-on-one with callers to provide legal information, support and referrals within New England.

Weekday afternoons, 1:30-4:30; English and Spanish.

GLASS (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Society) GLBT Youth Group of Franklin County MeetseveryWednesdayeveninginGreenfield.

Info: (413) 774-7028.

HIV Testing Online: (800) 750-2016.

Men’s Health Project Contact: Hutson Innis (413) 747-5144.

Education,preventionservices,andcounseling for men’s health issues, especially HIV/AIDS. Springfield,Northampton,Greenfield.Tapestry Health Services.

Monadnock Gay Men www.monadnockgaymen.comore-mailmonadgay@ aol.com.

PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) PFLAG-PioneerValley. Movie and pizza night, groups for parents and transgendered people. Contact: Jane Harris, pflagpv@ valinet.com, (413) 625-6636. Help Line: (413) 625-6636. Speakers Bureau: (978) 562-4176.

Pride Zone - GLBT Youth Group of the Pioneer Valley Meetings every Thursday at Pride Zone Center, 34 Maplewood Shops, Northampton.

Socializing, discussions, and games. Open for evening drop-ins Sunday, Monday,Thursday, Friday. (413) 584-1116.

The Stonewall Center University of Mass., Amherst. A lesbian, bisexual, gay, and transgender educational resource center. Contact: (413) 545-4824, www.umass.edu/stonewall.

GBQ R esources

AIDS CARE/Hampshire County Contact: (413) 586-8288. Buddy Program, transportation,supportgroupsandmuchmore free of charge to people living with HIV.

Straight Spouse Network Monthly support group meets in Northampton, MA, the first Tuesday from 6-8 p.m.

For spouses, past and present, of lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered partners.

Contact: Jane Harris for support and location, (413) 625-6636; aharris@valinet.com.

Confidentiality is assured.

The Sunshine Club Support and educational activities for transgendered persons. Info: (413) 586-5004.

P.O. Box 564, Hadley, MA 01305. www.thesunshineclub.org.

T.H.E. Men’s Program (Total HIV Education) Contact: Glen Johnson (802) 254-4444, Brattleboro, VT Weekly/monthly social gatherings, workshops, and volunteer opportunities.

Valuable Families Gatherings and newsletter for everyone who supports, cherishes, and respects our lesbian, gay, and bisexual families of origin and of choice. Info: (413) 774-2558; P.O. Box 60634, Florence, MA 01061; valfams @mailcity.com.

Venture Out Organized activities, usually of the outdoors variety, for gays and lesbians. Contact: Elizabeth Wilbranks (413) 527-6582; P.O. Box 60271, Florence, MA 01062. Ventureout @geocities.com.

GBQ Men GBQ Men Are Welcome at All Men’s Resource Center Support Groups (Not just Monday nights) S pring 2005 •

For information about Schmoozefest activities or other MRC support programs contact Allan Arnaboldi at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10 or aarnaboldi@mensresourcecenter.org

19

Pornography and Men’s Choices

Pimps and Johns

By Robert Jensen

T

here has been much talk about the need for men to love each other and be willing to speak openly about that love. That is important; we need to be able to get beyond the all-too-common male tendency to mute or deform our emotions, a tendency that is destructive not only to ourselves but to those around us. Many have spoken about our need to nurture each other, and that’s important, too. But it’s also crucial to remember that loving one another means challenging ourselves as well.

I would like to challenge us all—as men —on our use of pornography. In an unjust world, those of us with privilege must be harsh on ourselves, out of love.

This challenge is: Can we be more than just johns?

Let me start with a story that a female student at the University of Texas told me.

She was riding to a football game on a bus chartered by a fraternity, on which many of the passengers were women. During the trip, someone put into the bus’s VCR a sexually explicit video. Uncomfortable with the hardcore sexual images of women being used by men, the female student began a discussion with the people around her about it, and one of the men on the bus agreed that it was inappropriate. He stood up and said to the other men, “You all know me and know I like porno as much as the next guy, but it’s not right for us to play this tape when there are women on the bus.”

No doubt it took courage for that young man to confront his fraternity brothers on the issue, and we should honor that. But we should recognize that his statement also communicated to his male peers that he was one of them—“one of the guys” who, being guys, naturally like pornography.

His objection was not to pornography and men’s routine purchase and use of women’s bodies for sexual pleasure, but to the viewing of it with women present. He was making it clear that his ultimate loyalty was to men and their right to use women sexually, though that use should conform to some type of code of chivalry in mixed company.

In doing that, he was announcing his own position in regard to sex. He was saying: I’m just a john.

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Pimps and Johns

20

A john is a man who buys another human being for sex. Typically that other human being is sold through an intermediary known as a pimp.

Pimps sell the bodies of other people (most typically, a male pimp selling a woman) to a third person (almost always a man).

Men sell women to other men for sex: pimps and johns.

I want to concentrate here not on the pimps but on the johns, on the men who buy women for sex. I assume that many men reading this use, or have used, pornography.

I assume that many men reading this masturbate, or have masturbated, to pornography. So I assume there are lots of johns and former johns reading this article.

I don’t mean that most of us have necessarily bought a woman from a pimp in prostitution, though no doubt some have.

I’m talking about the far more common experience of masturbating to pornography.

In my childhood and young adulthood, I was sometimes a john. Virtually every man I know has been a john.

Inpornography,thepimpiscalledapublisher or a video producer, and the john is called a fan or a pornography consumer. But that doesn’t change the nature of the relationships: one person (usually a man) selling another person (a woman) to a third person (usually a man).

So pornography is pimps and johns, massmediated. When you masturbate to pornography, you are buying sexual pleasure.

You are buying a woman. The fact that there are technologies of film or video between youandthepimpdoesn’tchangetheequation.

Legally, it’s not prostitution; legally, you’re not in trouble—but you’re still just a john.

The Pornography That Johns Like

At this point, let me define a few terms.

I’m using the term pornography to describe the graphic sexually explicit material that one finds in a pornographic video store that depicts primarily heterosexual sex and is consumed primarily, though not exclusively, by heterosexual men. Such material is also widely available on the Internet. There are, of course, other genres of pornography (such as gay or lesbian). But I’m speaking of the material that I suspect most men have used most routinely—those DVDs and videos that are the bulk of the commercial pornography market.

There are three consistent themes in that pornography: 1. All women want sex from all men at all times.

2. Women naturally desire the kind of sex that men want, including sex that many women find degrading.

3. Any woman who does not at first realize this can be turned with a little force.

The pornography industry produces two major types of films, features and gonzo.

Features mimic, however badly, the conventions of a Hollywood movie: minimal plot, character development, and dialogue, all in the service of presenting the sex.

“Gonzo” films have no such pretensions; they are simply recorded sex, often in a private home or on some minimal set. These films often start with an interview with the woman or women about their sexual desires before the man or men enter the scene.

All these films have a standard series of sex acts, including oral, vaginal, and anal penetration, often performed while the men

call the women “bitch,”“cunt,”“whore,” and similar names. As they are penetrated, the women are expected to say over and over how much they like the sex. As pornography like this has become increasingly normalized—readily available throughout the country by increasingly sophisticated technology—pornographers have pushed the limits of what is acceptable in the mainstream. As one pornographic film director p ut i t : “ Peo p le want m o re… M a ke it more hard, make it more nasty, make it more relentless.”

In recent years, the pornography industry has produced about 11,000 new hardcore, graphic sexually explicit films a year.

Estimates of the annual revenues of the pornography industry in the United States start at $10 billion. For comparison, the Hollywood box office was $9.5 billion in 2003.

That’s a lot of johns, and a lot of profit for the pimps.

Men’s Choices and Responsibility

We live in a world in which men sell women to other men directly. And men also sell women to other men through the mass media. These days, women are sometimes the buyers. And on rare occasions in recent years, women are the sellers. That is, there are women who consume pornography and a few women who make it. In this society, that’s called progress. Feminism is advanced, we are told, when women can join the ranks of those who buy and sell other human beings.

All this is happening as a predictable result of the collaboration of capitalism and patriarchy. Take a system that values profit over everything, and combine it with a system of male supremacy: you get pimps and johns, and pornography that is increasingly normalized and mainstreamed, an everyday experience.

When confronted with this, men often suggest that because women in pornography choose to participate, there’s no reason to critique men’s use of pornography.We should avoid this temptation to take the easy way out. I’m going to say nothing in regard to what women should do, nor am I going to critique their choices. I don’t take it as my place to inject myself into the discussions that women have about this. (A new book, Not for Sale, has interesting insights into those questions: www.spinifexpress.com.au/ non-fict/nfs.htm) I do, however, take it as my place to talk to men. I take it as a political/moral responsibility to engage in critical selfreflection and be accountable for my behavior, at the individual and the collective level.

For men, the question is not about women’s choices. It’s about men’s choices. Do you want to participate in this system in which women are sold for sexual pleasure,

“For men, the question is not about women’s choices. It’s about men’s choices. Do you want to participate in a system in which women are sold for sexual pleasure?”

What Is Sex For?

No matter what our personal history or current practice, we all might want to ask a simple question: What is sex for?

A male friend once told me he thought that sometimes sex can be like a warm handshake, a greeting between friends. Many people assert that sex can be a purely physical

interaction to produce pleasurable sensations in the body.

At the same time, sex is said to be the ultimate act of intimacy, the place in which we expose ourselves most fully, where we let another see us stripped down, not just physically but emotionally.

Certainly sex can be all those things to different people at different times. But is that not a lot to ask sex to carry? Can one human practice really carry such a range of meanings and purposes? And in such a context, in a male-supremacist culture in which men’s violence is still tacitly accepted and men’s control of women often unchallenged, should we be surprised that sex becomes a place where violence and control play out?

This isn’t an argument for some imposition of a definition of sex. It’s an invitation to confront what I believe is a crucial question for this culture. The conservative framework, often rooted in narrow religious views, for defining appropriate sex in order to control people, is a disaster. The liberal/libertarian framework, avoiding questions of gender and power, has failed.

We live in a time of sexual crisis. That makes life difficult, but it also creates a space for invention and creativity. That is what drew me to feminism, to the possibility of a different way of understanding the world and myself, the possibility of escaping the masculinity trap set for me, that chance to become something more than a man, more than just a john—to become a human being.

Robert Jensen, a journalism professor at the University of Texas at Austin, coauthored Pornography:TheProductionandConsumption of Inequality and is working with the producers oftheforthcomingdocumentaryfilmFantasies Matter: Pornography, Sexualities, and Relationships. This article is excerpted from atalkdeliveredtotheSecondAnnualConference on the College Male, Saint John’s University, Collegeville,Minn.,onFebruary26,2005.Jensen can be reached at rjensen@uts.cc.utexas.edu.

S pring 2005 •

whether in prostitution, pornography, strip bars, or any other aspect of the sex industry?

Do you want to live in a world in which some people are bought and sold for the sexual pleasure of others?

When we ask such questions, one of the first things we hear is: These are important issues, but we shouldn’t make men feel guilty about this. Why not? I agree that much of the guilt people feel—rooted in attempts to repress human sexuality that unfortunately are part of the cultural and theological history of our society—is destructive. But guilt also can be a healthy emotional and intellectual response to the world and one’s actions in it.

Johns should feel guilty when they buy women. Guilt is a proper response to an act that is unjust. Guilt can be a sign that we have violated our own norms. It can be part of a process of ending the injustice.

Guilt can be healthy, if it is understood in political, not merely religious or psychological, terms.

Buying women is wrong not because of a society’s repressive moral code or its effects on an individual’s psychological process. It is wrong because it hurts people.

It creates a world in which people get hurt.

And the people who get hurt the most are women and children, the people with the least amount of power. When you create a class that can be bought and sold, the people in that class will inevitably be treated as lesser, as available to be controlled and abused.

The way out of being a john is political.

The way out is feminism. I don’t mean femi-

nism as a superficial exercise in identifying a few “women’s issues” that men can help with. I mean feminism as an avenue into what Karl Marx called “the ruthless criticism of the existing order, ruthless in that it will shrink neither from its own discoveries, nor from conflict with the powers that be.”

We need to engage in some ruthless criticism. Let’s start not just with pornography, but with sex more generally. One of those discoveries, I think, is not only that men often are johns, but that the way in which johns use women sexually is a window into other aspects of our sexual and intimate lives. For many men, sex is a place where we both display and reinforce our power over women. By that, I don’t mean that all men at all times use sex that way, but that a pattern of such relationships is readily visible in this society. Women deal with it every day, and at some level most men understand it.

This is not just about pimps and johns and women who are prostituted. It’s about men and women, and sex and power. If you’ve been thinking,“Well, that’s not me— I never pay for it,” don’t be so sure. It’s not just about who pays for it and who doesn’t.

It’s about the fundamental nature of the relationship between men and women, and how that plays out in sex and intimacy.

And if you think this doesn’t affect you because you are one of the “good men,” think again. I’m told that I am one of those good men. I work in a feminist movement.

I have been part of groups that critique men’s violence and the sex industry. And I struggle with these issues all the time. I was trained to be a man in this culture, and that training doesn’t evaporate overnight.

None of us is off the hook.

21

V oices

of

Y outh

A Young Activist’s Thoughts on Avoiding a Potential Draft

Conscientious Objection Is “Manly”

By Elias Sánchez-Eppler

A

lot of men and women sincerely wish the U.S. military were not in Iraq now. I count myself among them, but even I am increasingly bored with the same old rant. It’s an important talk, and if you haven’t heard it recently many have gotten quite good at delivering it. One facet of the issue that came up shortly before the election last November is the potential for a draft. Again, I can’t report on the likelihood of future draft legislation, but I will use the rumor of it as a call to arms, so to speak.

Many activists maintain that there is already a draft in place. It is called the “economic draft.” For youth such as myself who are educated and have professional ambitions, it is easy to take our privilege and the promise of future success for granted, but for those less fortunate, the military may appear to be the only career that guarantees employment and enough pay to support a family.

Another type of draft already in place is the “culture draft.” Even in times of peace, U.S. culture and government work to create a sense of the military that is favorable to recruitment. Generally, military service is portrayed as the swiftest and surest path to financial stability, social

conviction. There are two key steps in applying for this exemption. Most formidable is actually managing to prove that the exemption applies. First, however, applicants must convince themselves.

I certainly don’t want to detract from the valor of citizens-in-arms, but I lack the experience, motivation, and need to add to it. That said, I would like it to apply to those of us who oppose militarism. The government claims that military service builds discipline, courage, and physical, spiritual, and emotional endurance and strength. In the event of a draft, these traits are required of those who hope to defend their claim to moral, ethical, or philosophical exemption. To formulate and live by these beliefs requires spiritual and emotional maturity and discipline.

Defending these beliefs against attack necessitates courage, grace, strength, and endurance. Feminist provisions aside, conscientious objection to war is “manly.”

During the Vietnam War, conscientious objector status was granted by draft boards.

Applicants could be exempted from combatant duties if solely opposed to killing, or from any military duty if opposed to war in its entirety. Local citizens sat on these boards and heard young men try

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“While women are no longer excluded from recruitment efforts, “manhood”—and all the conventional traits it embraces—is still a major attraction in joining the military. Personally, I find manhood in resisting war.”

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recognition, and manhood. While women are no longer excluded from recruitment efforts, “manhood”—and all the conventional traits it embraces—is still a major attraction in joining the military. More specifically, the military claims to develop discipline, courage, camaraderie, and strength and endurance of body, soul, and mind. Many activists focus on helping young people discover these traits in civilian life.

Personally, I find all of them in resisting war.

These enticements aside, no one is legally forced at present to join the military; anyone can just not sign up. In the eventuality of a draft, however, this is no defense.

A lot of people are surprised by the idea of “defending” against a draft, but with some preparation it can be done. Fortunately, the United States Constitution includes a Bill of Rights that has withstood many previous assaults. Freedom of religion exempts some from military conscription —but what about the rest of us? Again, the law provides a loophole, albeit a small one. In the most recent draft legislation, exemption was extended to those who morally, ethically, or philosophically opposed all war as a matter of either religious beliefs or non-religious beliefs held with religious

to tell them about their beliefs, how they came to them, and how they live by their beliefs. Personally, I love to tell audiences about my beliefs publicly. However, my experience with mock draft boards I’ve faced is that they are anything but sympathetic. In fact, even in role-plays it is much more like a hostile cross-examination in court than an explanation of personal beliefs conducted in a neutral atmosphere.

In essence, the idea is to make the applicant contradict himself or admit to all the ways in which he betrays the beliefs that would exempt him.

The U.S. has not had a draft since the Vietnam War, but young men are still required by law to register with the Selective Service System when they turn 18, and the head of the SSS maintains that full-scale military conscription of men from ages 18 to 26 could get under way with less than a month’s notice. In that event, the law could look like anything, and might well include young women. However, freedom of religion would certainly be grounds to appeal any charges of draft evasion if no other provisions were made. Whatever the defense, an applicant’s case is made much stronger by any“material”evidence he or she might have.

Material evidence to legally prove internal belief may seem a ridiculous notion—but it’s crucial that anyone who is worried about the chances of a draft starting between now and when they turn 26 should seriously consider getting some.

I divide such material into four categories: articles, essays, reflections, and references.

Articles are material proof of my antiwar convictions. For example, my file includes pictures of me demonstrating against war, certificates of participation at peace conventions, published records of my social action, and presumably will include a copy of the magazine you are currently reading.

Essays are short pieces I put together where I talk about what I believe, why it would prevent me from participating in war, and what I do in my life in keeping with my beliefs. Between articles and essays are reflections on other people’s writings. Many friends have articles and information that have struck them, and these may include their various underlinings, marginalia, and other reflections on the document.

Finally, character references are a standard feature of complete conscientious objector files. These are letters written by family, friends, and mentors answering the same questions as essays to the best of the authors’ capacities. In short, anything that shows a devotion to peace is legitimate and useful in compiling such a file.

One crucial element is time. An essay written years ago will have more bearing than one written since the applicant got called up. However, the draft board won’t accept a dated document on faith. It must be authenticated. One popular and easy way of doing this is to mail it to yourself in a self-addressed envelope. This way the U.S. Post Office date stamp is firmly on the sealed envelope, documenting the length of time one has held conscientious objector beliefs.

A mandatory draft for young people is not yet here. Will the Bush administration’s adventurism overseas or further terrorist threats—real or imagined—bring it back?

None of us knows for sure. But now is the time for young people who oppose the draft to speak out, and for those of us who object to war and militarism to begin documenting our beliefs and preparing ourselves for the potential trials ahead.

Elias Sánchez-Eppler is a sophomore at Pioneer Valley Performing Arts High School in Hadley, Mass. He is active in the Young Friends Quaker youth group of the Northampton Friends Meeting and speaks out often onissuesconcerningthedraftandconscientious objection. He is also the winner of this year’s Ozzy Klate MemorialYouth Award, presented by the Men’s Resource Center at its annual Challenge & Change celebration May 1, 2005.

Manhood in a Time of War (Continued from page 9) Who were these guys, I asked myself as we rodealongsidethecaravan.Weretheyshipping out soon for Nam?What must it have been like to be leaving behind everything and everyone you cared about? I was in the passenger seat up front. The folks on my side in the back seat and I rolled down our windows and started flashingthepeacesignatthesoldiers.Miraculously, they started flashing it back, a sea of hands raised high, index and middle fingers spread wide. In that moment I felt us joined by our youth and our idealism, even if it was an idealism existing in a parallel universe. Ours was fueled by a naïve belief that we were subvertingthem—rightthenandthere!—withour long hair, our colorful clothes, our freedom.

These boys—our brothers—would surely go AWOL tonight or otherwise sabotage the war machine! We could feel it. They too, no doubt, felt they could change the world. But traveling to the jungles of Viet Nam where many would end up killing people, to go through that nightmare, would make any crazy acid trip seem like an Alice in Wonderland picnic. For the moment,ontheroadtoWashington,weweren’t thinking about getting our heads kicked in by D.C. police at an anti-war demonstration and they, no doubt, weren’t thinking about raiding a village at daybreak, or getting shot by a sniper.

As we finally began to pass the lead truck, I locked eyes with a soldier who reminded me of a kid from my home town in Massachusetts.

He looked tough, unemotional, defended. I suppose I was just beginning to get an inkling of some of the ways my male peers were playing out their passage into manhood. Could it be that the smooth stock of a rifle was actually a comfort to him? I certainly didn’t yet know what my brand of masculinity would end up looking like, but I was certain it would not be one that included sleeping with my rifle—a soldier’s “best friend.”

The State of Men Post-9/11

men must learn: When something happens to trigger rage, there are other choices to make besides reacting with violence.

Why talk about men’s tendency to lash out when they are frightened during a time of national trauma? Because what could be more important for our leaders to contemplate? Our anger was justified.

The perpetrators needed to be brought to trial. But it was time for a different approach from “might equals right.” It was time for the president to invite peacemakers such as the Dalai Lama back to the White House for more than just a photo op. It was time for a full-scale examination of a foreign policy that evokes such rage, such boiling hatred. Self-reflection has never been a particular strength of our country; it was time to exercise it in full measure.

We had arrived at a teachable moment many citizens hoped wouldn’t require such an overwhelming tragedy to attain. Men in particular are obliged to seize such moments as these, to exercise a new kind of leadership.

We knew what a unilateral assault on any nation would bring: countless dead, and fresh blood on our hands as we perpetuated the cycle of violence. For U.S. men to champion a culture of compassion rather than a culture of destruction sends a critical message to the rest of the world. Men today, especially fathers, have a rare opening to model a different kind of leadership for our sons and daughters at home and to press that message in Washington.

With the possibility of a draft being reinstated that would put more of our sons and daughters in harm’s way, men in particular have a responsibility to demonstrate how we could work to end a quintessentially male violent culture. We have an opportunity to emancipate ourselves from the gender straitjacket that keeps us trapped in conventional masculinity’s belief that war is the answer. Will we be man enough to envision a world in which peace is the way?

Rob Okun is the executive director of the Men’s Resource Center and the editor ofVoice Male. This article is excerpted from a talk he gave at the University of Southern Maine in Portland on March 2 of this year, for the group Boys to Men, and the Maine Chapter of Physicians for Social Responsibility.

mentality in general. The infamous “Yankees Suck” slogan comes to mind. I can understand that sentiment from a Cherokee in the 1830s or a Viet Cong in the 1960s, but for a Bostonian in the 2000s it seems excessive.

An incident in my own life last fall reminded me of an unfortunate aspect of the sporting spirit. I had gone with seven other men on a retreat designed to help us improve our relationship skills. I brought a football so we could play during down times. We divided ourselves into three-onthree teams the first night and had a game full of fun and excitement. One of my best friends was surprised that I was a pretty good receiver, because in all the years we’ve been friends he never heard me talk about my playing days. After one outstanding catch and the requisite high-fives, he commended my skill and asked why I stopped playing. I just shrugged. To be honest, I didn’t remember.

Then we played the last game. Two of the men got into an argument about where to spot the football after a two-hand touch.

One of the men walked off and chose to end the game. All the memories of basketball court arguments and football field insults came flooding back into my mind.

I know both these men pretty well and never saw either of them act the way they did during our games. Suddenly I remembered: that’s why I stopped playing. The crap started to out-weigh the fun.

My friends who were arguing had put loyalty to their team over loyalty to the game, or to sportsmanship if you will. This sort of misprioritized loyalty contributes much to the problems of atletics, business and politics. A superstar puts loyalty to self over team. An executive puts loyalty to shareholders’profits over the environment.

A president puts loyalty to ideology over evidence that contradicts his worldview.

Loyalty is a powerful, motivating force.

Blind loyalty is often destructive and, by definition, uncritical and emotionally explosive. Because professional sports really aren’t that important and because many people, with some effort, can detach themselves from blind loyalty (i.e. faith) in a team to examine the object of their devotion a bit more than, say, religion or nationality, sports loyalties may serve a useful purpose.

Next time you turn on a game, try an experiment: make believe it really doesn’t matter who wins. Sure, you can have a preference for your team, but be open to the possibility that the other team’s players are decent, hardworking people and try to empathize with them. If you can pull that one off, who knows what you can accomplish? Next you might try to imagine you live in France or North Korea, Israel or Iran.

Haji Shearer watched Super Bowl XXXIX with his son and daughter while his wife organized her art studio. He facilitates men’s groups and frequently writes for Voice Male.

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I believe it is critical that men’s work unequivocally locate itself within the larger framework of the movement for social justice. Shining a hard light on men’s central roles in perpetuating the war system is a beginning. Social activists often say: “If you want peace, work for justice.” Taking that notion a step further, we can add: “If you believe that sexism contributes to war, work for gender justice in order to pursue peace.”

A few days after the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, I led a group for men who have abused their wives or partners. On the night after the unfathomable attacks against the United States, I asked the men to talk about their feelings, instead of what many men might naturally do—discuss the glut of news and images that had already overwhelmed all of our minds.

Each man said he was angry and wanted to retaliate. But what else? After some silence they allowed that things were no longer “safe,” they were “unsure” about the world, they were “afraid to travel.” More silence. My female co-leader finally named the feeling they didn’t seem ready to identify: vulnerability. Ironically, that’s the feeling their partners and wives often feel around them. And that’s just what such

“I believe it is critical that men’s work unequivocally locate itself within the larger framework of the movement of social justice. Shining a hard light on men’s central roles in perpetuating the war system is a beginning.”

The Problem of Sporting Loyalties (Continued from page 11)

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R esources Men’s Resources

1259/links.htm * www.menstuff.org/frameindex.html(Fatherstuff) * good resource ** strongly recommended

The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups, patient support groups, nutritional supplements, dressings and supplies, literature, low-cost housing, and transportation.

At Home Dad www.parentsplace.com/readroom/athomedad

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444; free, confidential HIV/AIDS services, including support, prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities.

National Fatherhood Initiative www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet

Children’s Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals, families and children, with a play therapy room for working with children. Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress.

Internet Resources

(Resources for Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Men, see page 19)

HIV Testing Hotline: (800) 750-2016 Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings).

Overnight shelter for homeless individuals.

123 Hawley St., Northampton. Doors open at 6 p.m.

Men atWork is a Maine nonprofit providing opportunities for men 18 and over to share their stories and learn life improvement skills. Fatherhood, relationships, health, aging, our fathers, addictions, mentoring, and more. Trained professionals facilitate.

Free walk-in discussion group (Man to Man) meets in Portland monthly, 7-9 p.m. on first Thursday, except July and August.

Residential programs (1-3 days) also offered.

For more information call Steve at (207) 865-2048orcheckout www.healingmen.com.

Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12step groups throughout New England.

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues Education and support services for adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals, etc. Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month. Contact: Ann Henry (413) 584-6599

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Fathers

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Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar association lawyer referral agency. In Mass. the number is (800) 392-6164. Here are some websites that may be of use to you: www.acfc.org * www.fathering.org www.dadscan.org www.divorcedfather.com www.fatherhoodproject.org www.dadsrights.org**(notwww.dadsrights.com) www.fathers.com www.fatherhood.org www.fathersnetwork.org www.divorcehq.com * www.divorcewizards.com * www.geocities.com/Heartland/Meadows/

The Fathers Resource Center www.slowlane.com/frc

The Fatherhood Project www.fatherhoodproject.org

Men’s Resource Center of Western Massachusetts www.mensresourcecenter.org

The Men’s Bibliography A comprehensive online bibliography of writing on men, masculinities and sexualities. www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/mensbiblio/ mensbibliomenu.html XY Magazine www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/XY/xyf.htm Pro-feminist Men’s FAQ www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/pffaq.html Pro-feminist Men’s Mail List www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/profem.html Violence Statistics www.anu.edu.au/~a112465/vstats.html HomophobiaandMasculinitiesAmongYoung Men (Lessons in becoming a straight man) online.anu.edu.au/~a112465/homophobia.html National Men’s Resource Center www.menstuff.org National calendar of events, directory of men’s services and a listing of books for positive change in men’s roles and relationships.

The Men’s Issues Page www.vix.com/pub/men/index.html 100 Black Men, Inc. www.100bm.org Pro-feminist Men’s Groups Listing www.feminist.com/pro.htm Pro-feminist Mailing List coombs.anu.edu.au/~gorkin/profem.html

Magazines

Achilles Heel (from Great Britain) www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achilles/issues.html XY: men, sex politics (from Australia) coombs.anu.edu.au/~gorkin/XY/xyintro.htm Ending Men’s Violence-Real Men www.cs.utk.edu/~bartley/other/realMen.html The Men’s Rape Prevention Project www.mrpp.org/intro.html Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out www.geocities.com/CapitalHill/1139/quitporn.html

Once Upon a Time, When I Had AIDS (Continued from page 16) days at Ward 86 (the outpatient clinic, mind you!) at San Francisco General. I counted it a notch in my belt that I was a Ward 86 AIDS patient, and not on Ward 5A, where the terminals went. Many of my friends checked into Ward 5A and never came out.

In 1990 I was given the dual diagnosis of Disabling ARC and Depressive (PTSD) Disorder. I was certified permanently disabled and began collecting SSI. This had not stopped me from finishing my dissertation and getting my Ph.D. I had no intention of dying before that—but I had no plan for anything after.

And that is where I am today: there has been over a decade of “after.” And I have finally recovered from half a lifetime of waiting to die, horribly, painfully, in a state of destitution. I clearly needed the past dozen yearsinrelativeisolationhereinMassachusetts in order to devote my energy to coping and dealing with and recovering from the devastating impact of AIDS—as well as childhood sexual abuse trauma, which would emerge as an issue only around 1990.

In 2002, when my partner Dale and I came home from a January trip to Germany, I became very ill. It was a combination of nervous breakdown and physical exhaustion that sent my immune system into haywire mode. It became clear to me that something was not working—I was on enough psychotropic medications to paralyze an elephant, yet I was in a constant state of extreme anxious depression, and when I got sick I turned suicidal.

So I took myself off all medications, both psychotropics and antivirals. I have been completely medication-free ever since, and am in better physical health than ever before.

I am back “on the beam” in pursuing a spiritually awake life, striving for balance and acceptance, and opening myself up again to the wonderful possibilities of living.

It has taken me a very long time to learn to live with the angel of death. As Don Miguel Ruiz writes, “If we surrender to the angel of death we will be happy forever and ever.

Why? Because the angel of death takes the past away in order to make it possible for life to continue. For every moment that is past, the angel of death keeps taking the part that is dead and we keep living the present.” I am learning to no longer live in the past or fear the future, but to live in the present.

Les Wright is a writer, teacher, lecturer, and cultural studies scholar, and a frequent contributor to Voice Male.

Voice Male welcomes contributions from men – and women – of color.

Contact us with commentary ideas at voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org or 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002

T hank Y ou !

The Men’s Resource Center is truly a community organization.We have grown to where we are because hundreds of people have shared our inspiration and commitment, and contributed their time, services, and money toward a vision of personal and social transformation. As our programs and services continue to grow in sizeandscope,weseethatthesizeandscope of our community support also expand.We are filled with deep gratitude at the outpouring of support.We hope the following acknowledgmentscommunicateasenseof beingpartofagrowingcommunityofsupport.

Thank you.

Donated Space Media Education Foundation, Northampton Network Chiropractic, Greenfield Northampton Council on Aging Fathers & Family Network Presenter Amanda Horowitz, Stop It Now! In-Kind Donations Henion Bakery, Amherst La Veracruzana, Amherst Cate Woolner, Northfield Interns Jessica Abad Maz & Mark Lionetti Office Volunteers Christopher Klunk & Jesse Massaro “6 Merry Men in March” Comedy Concert Volunteers: Allan Arnaboldi, Deb Berigow, Michael Dover, Bob Mazer, Tom Schuyt, Frank Shea, Sheldon Snodgrass, Mitch Sorensen Contributors: A2Z Science and Learning Store, Northampton; Food for Thought Books, Amherst; Rob Okun; The Toy Box, Northampton; Whole Foods Supermarket, Hadley As always, we extend our gratitude to the MRC Board of Directors for the ongoing guidance and support they give to this organization and all who are a part of it.

We are also grateful to our volunteers who support us in so many ways.

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C alendar Please send all Calendar Listing for events from July 1, 2005 (and beyond) to:

V oice M ale C alendar voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org or Men’s Resource Center 236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002 Fax (413) 253-4801

Deadline for Summer Issue: June 10, 2005 April 12 · Grand Rapids, MI Safe Schools for Sexual Minority Youth This interactive, experiential workshop will provide information, strategies and resources to help you support sexual minority youth in your school and community. Participants will leave with classroom lessons and activities, intervention strategies to address harassment, and resources to help build support systems for sexual minority youth in schools and communities.

Cost: $25 (includes manual, support materials and continental breakfast) Location: Sawmill I nn, 2301 South Highway 169 Info:www.mnschoolhealth.com,SophieOliver at (651) 582-8352

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April 13-15 · Hollywood, CA Turn Beauty Inside Out 2005 Girls Leadership Conference The TBIO Leadership Conference is part of the grassroots Turn Beauty Inside Out Campaign run by Mind on the Media. The campaign stimulates participation, discussion and awareness of images of girls and women in the media. Mind on the Media is concerned about the perpetuation of sexual stereotypes in all forms of mass media.

We particularly focus on teaching girls and boys to be more media literate and to help them gain the critical thinking skills they need to read and analyze media messages and no longer be “passive consumers”.

Conference speakers include: Geena Davis, Jessica Weiner, Audrey Brashich, LINA, and Nancy Gruver.

Cost: $300 (breakfast, lunch, workshops, materials) Location: Hilton Los Angeles/Universal City Hotel Info: www.tbio.org, (952) 210-1625

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April 14 · Northampton-Amherst area, MA Out Bodies Our Class: How Do We Incorporate Class?

In this Class Action workshop we will look at attitudes we have about our bodies based on our class upbringing and the culture’s messages about class and bodies. We will explorehowweuseourbodiestomakemoney, to communicate our class and look at the knowledge our body holds about class.

Registration is required.

Cost: varies Location: TBA Info: (413) 585 9709, info@classactionnet.org

April 14 · Springfield, MA One Child at a Time A dinner and silent auction to benefit the radKIDS, a nonprofit educational organization providing lifesaving skills for children by teaching them to “resist aggression defensively.” Special guests include Ed and Lois Smart, and John and Magi Bish.

Cost: $50 Location: Western New England College, Rivers Memorial Building Info: www.wnec.edu, jcurran@wnec.edu, (413) 782-1420 April 14-17 · Westfield, MA Women of Iraq & Iran: Visionaries for Peace in the Twenty-First Century Brought to you by the Global Women’s History Project, this conference provides opportunities for the public to engage with women from areas deeply affected by U.S. foreign policy in order to overcome misrepresentations of national media and in order to learn about one another’s visions, achievements, and concerns. Although women are at the forefront of peace-making efforts, opportunities to hear and learn from Iraqi and Iranian women are rare.

Cost: $25 or donation (lunch $7) Location: Westfield State College Info:www.wsc.ma.edu/gwhp,eyoung@wsc.ma.edu, Dr. Elise G. Young at (413) 572-5343 April 19-22 · Waltham, MA Constructive Connections (formerly Peace Camp) Planned with and Co-sponsored by Peace, Conflict & Coexistence Studies Program, Rose Art Museum, Environmental Studies Program, Theater Arts, and The Education Program. Our goal is to provide an enjoyable, creative school vacation week for children in grades K-2 and 3-5. Referred to as a camp, Creative Constructions promotes selfawareness, a connection to each other and to our environment. We raise issues for conflict resolution through various activities in the arts, humanities and sciences. Our two small groups of campers explore art in the newly renovated Rose Art Museum, and build safe environments through a supportive and joyful curriculum. Chandra Pieragostini is our camp leader. Chandra is a principal actor for City Stage Company, Boston’s premier children’s theatre company, and has 14 years of teaching experience with school-age children.

Cost: $260 Location: Hassenfeld Conference Center, Luria & Levine Ross Room, Brandeis University Info: www.lembergcc.org April 22-23 · Berkeley, CA Attica to Abu Ghraib: Human Rights, Torture & Resistance Conference The overall goal of this conference, coordinated by the International Human Rights Initiative (IHRI) and involving many collaborating organizations, is to strategize and coordinate resistance to U.S. government policies that violate human rights and international law.The three broad focal areas of the conference will be: Political Prisoners, Torture, and Resistance; COINTELPRO, Grand

Juries, and the Repression of Dissent; U.S. Empire and the Globalization of Repression.

Cost: free Location: UC Berkeley Info:www.attica2abughraib.com,(510)433-0115 April 25 · Holyoke, MA Framework for Understanding Poverty Part of a series of seminars devoted to educating professionals and community leaders about the effects of class and poverty on our society. This initial seminar provides an in-depth study of information and issues that will increase the participants’knowledge and understanding of the poverty culture.

Presented by Kim D. Ellis, and sponsored

by Hampshire Educational Collaborative and aha! Process, Inc. Cost: $125 to $155 Location: Log Cabin Banquet & Meeting House Info: www.collaborative.org, (800) 278-4244 x130, dwilson@collaborative.org April 29-30 · New York City Global Network Against Weapons & Nuclear Power in Space Annual Conference On April 29-30 the Global Network (GN) will hold 13th anniversary international membership meeting and conference in New York just before the Review Conference of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.

People will be coming in from all over the world in great numbers to call on the U.S. and all the nuclear powers to end their nuclear hypocrisy. On Friday, April 29 the GN will hold its annual membership business meeting from 5-9 pm. Then on Saturday, April 30, they will hold their annual conference entitled Full Spectrum Resistance: An International Space Organizing Conference which will feature key space activists from around the world. The keynote speaker at the event will be Dr. Michio Kaku. This event will run from 1-9 pm.

Advance registration will be necessary. The GN conference is being co-sponsored by Abolition 2000 Network.

Cost: sliding fee scale $15 to $60, dinner included (keynote speech alone - $5) Location: various Info: www.space4peace.org, (207) 729-0517 or cell (207) 319-2017 May 9 · Boston, MA Massachusetts Transgender Political Coalition Meeting The Massachusetts Transgender Political Coalition (MTPC) is dedicated to ending discrimination on the basis of gender identity andgender expression.Weeducatethepublic, lobby state and local government, encourage political activism, and empower community members through collective action. You do not have to be a member to come to a general membership meeting. Anyone who currently has permanent or student residence in Massachusetts can be considered a general member, and accordingly attend meetings, provide input to proposals, and receive information about the organization.

Cost: free Location: JRI Health 132 Boylston St., 2nd floor, ring bell for JRI Health Info: www.masstpc.org, info@masstpc.org

MRC P r o g r a m s & S e r v i c e s ■ Prison Groups A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections.

■ Community Education and Training Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available.

■ Speakers’ Bureau Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

Interested in a Men’s Resource Center Speaker? A Workshop or Training?

Contact Carl Erikson at (413) 253-9887, ext. 13 or mrc@mensresourcecenter.org Support Group Programs ■ Open Men’s Group Sundays 7-9 p.m. at the MRC Amherst office Tuesdays 6:45-8:45 p.m. at the Council on Aging, 240 Main St., Northampton.

Wednesdays 7-9 p.m. in Greenfield at Network Chiropractic, 21 Mohawk Trail (lower Main St.).

A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other.

■ Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Abuse /Neglect Specifically for men who have experienced any kind of childhood abuse or neglect.

Fridays 7 - 8:30 p.m. at the MRC. ■ Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Mondays 7 - 9 p.m. at the MRC. A facilitated drop-in group for gay, bisexual and questioning men to talk about their lives and support each other (not a discussion group).

■ Anger Management Various times for 15-week groups for men, women and young men at the MRC. For more information, call (413) 253-9887 ext. 23 ■ GBQ Schmoozefest Events Seasonal events with catered food, art and music, opportunities for interacting with GBQ men and other men who love men from Springfield to Brattleboro and beyond.

Fathering Programs ■ A variety of resources are available — Fathers and Family Network programs,

lawyer referrals, parenting resources, workshops, educational presentations and conferences.

Youth Programs ■ Young Men of Color Leadership Project Amherst ■ShortTermGroups,Workshops,Presentations and Consultations forYoung Men andYouthServing Organizations Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and courtmandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive.

Fee subsidies available.

■ Basic Groups Groups for self-referred and court-mandated men (40 weeks) are held in Amherst, Athol, Belchertown, Springfield, and Greenfield.

■ Follow-up Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue working on these issues are available in Northampton, Greenfield and Amherst.

■ Partner Services Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program.

Workshops & training ■ Men & Divorce This workshop series can help you get your bearings and find your way through the divorce process to reach a successful conclusion in this transition. Six Sunday afternoons. At MRC, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst. For information, call Carl (413) 253-9887, Ext. 13.

■ Workshops available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as “Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response,”“Strategies and Skills for Educating Men,”“Building Men’s Community,” and “Challenging Homophobia,” among other topics. Specific trainings and consultations also available.

Publications ■ Voice Male Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includesarticles,essays,reviewsandresources, and services related to men and masculinity.

■Children,LesbiansandMen:Men’sExperiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors A 60-page manual which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women “who have been there.”

Resource & Referral Services ■ Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, and support programs for men.

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To join us on May 1, 2005, Sunday, 5:30-8:30 p.m. at the Log Cabin, Holyoke—at no charge contact Gretchen Craig at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 16 gcraig@mensresourcecenter.org.