Voice Male Spring 2006 by Voice Male Magazine

N e w Vi s i o n s o f M a n h o o d

Voice Male The Magazine of The Men’s Resource Center for change

spring 2006

Why Violence Against Women Is A Men’s Issue By Jackson Katz INSIDE: Fathers in Crisis l

Boyhood Without Weaponry l

Men’s Lives After Brokeback Mountain

F rom T he E ditor • V oice M ale 2

Men’s Stories: From Stubbornness to Tenderness By Rob Okun

magine a split screen in a movie: on one side a U.S. Navy captain in his ship’s radio room; on the other, a spiritual seeker his age, visiting children in a crowded Indian orphanage. Consider the men’s stories: A decade ago, the following radio exchange occurred between the captain and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland. (The U.S. chief of naval operations released the transcript of the conversation.) Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. Canadians:Recommendyoudivertyour course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the UnitedStates’AtlanticFleet.Weareaccompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand you change your course 15 degrees to the north.That’sone-fivedegreestothenorth— orcountermeasureswillbeundertakento ensure the safety of this ship. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. Imagine the relief, and then the laughter, that must have erupted among the crew of the USS Lincoln. How embarrassing—and funny—to discover that you were puffing up your chest to threaten a lighthouse! Upon learning the truth I can also imagine the captain feeling silly, stupid, exposed, vulnerable. Getting hotter under his starched collar by the minute. How many men can relate to that feeling of humiliation? I know I can. Becoming the butt of a joke, even an innocent one, leaves a sting that can raise our hackles. We’re not “supposed”

“As men become willing to struggle with our stubbornness— admitting we’ve made mistakes or bad decisions—we are accepting a rare gift, acknowledging personal responsibility.” to feel betrayed; we’re “supposed” to be in control. Even though, deep down, we know it’s not always possible, or not necessarily in our best interest, to be so tightly wound. As men become willing to struggle withourstubbornness—admittingwe’ve made mistakes or bad decisions—we are accepting a rare gift, acknowledging personal responsibility. I know in my family—as a son, brother, father, husband—I have come up against my stubbornness on more than one occasion. That’s probably why I could so easily conjure up the image of the red-faced captain. I wonder: Would he ever be able to join in with the laughter? It is precisely there, in that place of taking responsibility for his actions, that his growth—and ours—as fully human men is most palpable, ready to burst forth. His is a story worth remembering. Meanwhile, a world away, the other scene in the split-screen portrays the spiritual-seeking Westerner visiting an orphanage in Calcutta operated by Mother Teresa. Because cultural taboos strongly discourage men from working with very young children, there is a buzz of excitement as he enters the large common area. “Uncle! Uncle!” the orphans cry, hungry for contact with a man. He looks at them, hundreds of dark eyes glistening, and feels his heart stir. As he walks through a room nearly the size of a gymnasium, he sees dozens and dozens of children, and even a larger number of babies lined up in row after row of cribs. Now it’s his eyes that are glistening, soon accompanied by wet tears running

down his cheeks. His heart beating fast, a thought comes to him: “I could spend my whole life in this room and my life would be fulfilled.” He walks over to the cribs and begins picking up the babies, one after another after another, holding them to his chest, cooing into their ears. He keeps this up for quite a while before it is time for him to reluctantly leave. As he does a quote from Mother Teresa comes to mind: “We cannot expect to do great things; we can only expect to do small things with great love.” The navy captain and the spiritual seeker may seem so different from one another. Is there a bridge to connect their lives? Is there common ground upon which they—we—can meet? By paying attention to both men’s stubbornness and men’s tenderness we can see the arc of possibility men are capable of traveling. In a world where the U.S. commander in chief stubbornly refuses to ask for directions—as in “Can you show me the road that leads out of Iraq?”—we are thirsting for the voices of men who are humbly moving from stubbornness to tenderness. Synonyms for “nurturing” in the thesaurus I checked include feminine,female,gentle,tender,andwomanly. As they should. But it’s time for men to demonstrate that they also should include masculine, male, and manly. VM

VoiceMaleeditorRobOkuncanbereached at raokun@mrcforchange.org.

Table of Contents Features Violence Against Women: It’s a Men’s Issue . . . 8 By Jackson Katz Fathers in Crisis: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Reflections on Neil Entwistle By Haji Shearer Raising Our Sons: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 Boyhood Without (Much) Weaponry By Sarah Werthan Buttenwieser The Gender Factor in Violence: . . . . . . . . . . 15 Why Are Our Boys Doing This? By Ira Horowitz Can Progressive Men Find . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 Their Spiritual Voice? By Michael Lerner Men’s Lives After Brokeback Mountain . . . 17 By Rob Okun

Voice Male

Columns & Opinion From the Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 Men @ Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 Book Review . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 Honeymoon with My Brother By Franz Wisner Reviewed by Gretchen Craig Fathering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 Sleeping, Son By Michael Wright OutLines . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 No One Likes a Nelly Homo By Mubarak Dahir GBQ Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21 Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Calendar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Thank You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 MRC Programs & Services . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27

Masculinity redefined...New visions of manhood... Men overcoming isolation... No matter how you describe it, we’re all in uncharted waters today trying to understand contemporary men and masculinity. Ride the waves of changing ideas about men with Voice Male to keep your balance. Four issues. Delivered to Your Door.

$19.95

Voice Male

Send a Gift Subscription to someone ready to read about masculinity redefined...Only $14.95.

Editor – Rob Okun Managing Editor – Michael Burke Designer – Mary Zyskowski

Cover Photo by Jonah Okun.

your Name: gift recipient’s name: Address: City:

State:

Phone (optional):

E-mail (optional):

r 4 issues: $19.95

Zip:

r gift subscription: $14.95

r payment by credit card

r check enclosed (made out to voice male/MRC)

Name as it appears on card: Signature: Card number:

Expiration date:

SPRING 2006 •

VOICE MALE is published quarterly by the Men’s Resource Center for Change, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002. It is mailed to donors and subscribers in the U.S., Canada, and overseas and distributed at select locations around New England. The opinions expressed in VOICE MALE may not represent the views of all staff, board, volunteers, or members of the Men’s Resource Center for Change. Subscriptions:Forsubscriptioninformation,call(413) 253-9887,ext.16,orgotowww.mrcforchange.organd follow the links to subscribe to VOICE MALE. Advertising: For VOICE MALE advertising rates and deadlines, call (413) 253-9887, ext. 25. Submissions: The editors welcome letters, articles, news items, article ideas and queries, and informationabouteventsofinterest.Weencourageunsolicited manuscripts,butcannotberesponsiblefortheirloss. Manuscriptssentthroughthemailwillberesponded to and returned if accompanied by a self-addressed stampedreturnenvelope.Sendarticlesandqueriesto Editors, VOICE MALE, 236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA01002,ore-mailtovoicemale@mrcforchange.org.

M en @ W ork Three to Be Honored at Men’s Center Challenge & Change Awards Dinner

• V oice M ale

longtime activist and community leader, the director of an organization addressing economic inequality, and a youth educator focusing on military recruitment all will receive awards May 7 as the Men’s Resource Center for Change (MRC) holds its Tenth Annual Challenge & Change Celebration, with a dinner at the Log Cabin Banquet & Meeting House in Holyoke, Mass. Award recipients are Luis-Orlando Isaza, Latino activist and special assistant to the president of Holyoke Community College; Felice Yeskel, co-founder and co-director of Class Action; and Raul Matta, youth fellow with the American Friends Service Committee. Luis-Orlando Isaza has been an advocate for Latino rights, an administratorofhumanserviceagencies,andaprofessoraddressing social policy issues for decades. “Orlando has long been a voice for peace and justice,” said MRC executive director Rob Okun. At Holyoke Community College he coordinates community relations, concentrating on programs involving the city’s large Puerto Rican population. A trustee of the Community Foundation of Western Massachusetts, a founding trustee of the Eric Carle Museum, and board president of ENLACE de Familias, Orlando also founded and chaired the Holyoke Human Service Network. Felice Yeskel receives this year’s woman’s award in recognition of her work addressing class issues and gay rights. A founder and co-director of Class Action, which offers workshops and trainings on class, she co-founded the Boston-based United for a Fair Economy, and co-authored (with Chuck Collins) the book Economic Apartheid in America. In 1985 Felice helped found the Stonewall Center at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst, a GLBT educational resource center, and served as its director for 20 years. “Felice has been tireless in her advocacy for those whose voices have too long been marginalized,” Okun commented. “Her commitment to social justice is inspiring.” Receiving the Ozzy Klate Memorial Youth Award is Raul Matta, a 21-year-old student at Holyoke Community College who is also a staff member with the western Massachusetts chapter of the American Friends Service Committee (AFSC). Raul has been active in the Help Increase the Peace Project (HIPP) since he was 14. In 2005, he became the first AFSC youth fellow to dedicate his efforts to countering military recruitment, conducting outreach at area schools and showingyouthgroupsandcollegestudentstherealitiesofmilitaryserviceandrecruiting. For a number of years Raul served as a youth staff member withYouth Leadership in the Arts. Said Okun,“Raul is part of the latest generation to take up the struggle for social justice, all the while championing the role the arts can play in social change.” “There is no charge to attend Challenge & Change,”said MRC development coordinator Gretchen Craig,“thanks to the generosity of a number of banks, businesses, and educational institutions which collectively have underwritten the dinner.”During the course of the evening“those attending will be invited to make a personally meaningful gift,” Craig said, adding, “All money raised at the event will go directly to support MRC programs and services.” Although there are no tickets to purchase, guests must reserve seating in advance. To register to attend contact Craig at (413) 253-9887 ext.16 or gcraig@mrcforchange.org.

Hoops Tourney a Tribute to One Man’s Stand Against Violence

n October 20, 2005, John “Okie” O’Connell, a senior at Westfield State College in Massachusetts, stepped in and attempted to stop a fight between a friend andanotherman. He suffered a head injury and died less than 24 hours later. A tragedy?Yes; and a needless death. But also John O’Connell a heroic example of one man taking a stand against violence. In O’Connell’s memory, and to honor his courageous act, a sports promotion class at Westfield State hosted the Spalding Hoot Hoot Hoop It Up for “Okie” basketball tournament finals on April 8 in the college’s Woodward Center. The tournament began during the week of March 27 with the goal of raising money for the John O’Connell Fund, which supports scholarships and educational efforts to work against violence. The fund was established to provide scholarships for deserving college-bound students, including those with special needs. The fund also promotes antiviolence education to teach young people about the damage that even one punch can do. The tournament, which was open to the public, featured three-on-three basketball games and a “hot shot” contest. Signed sports memorabilia were also auctioned off, including autographs from former Boston Bruins hockey great Bobby Orr. Winners of the tournament and contests received free T-shirts and other prizes. For more information on supporting this ongoing antiviolence effort and on the John O’Connell Fund, contact Teresa Fitts, assistant professor in the Department of Movement Science, Sport

and Leisure Studies, at (413) 572-5368 or tfitts@wsc.ma.edu.

Fathers’ Rights and Fabricated Allegations

continued on page 6

Robert Mazer ~ Psychotherapist For men looking to let go of patterns that don’t work and create a more purposeful, fulfilling life. Staff member at the Synthesis Center in Amherst Free initial consultation/flexible fees 256 - 0772

SPRING 2006 •

he fathers’ rights lobby is always pulling out fanciful “statistics” about the percentage of vindictive“false allegations” of child abuse levied at members of their groups by harassing mothers upon separation. Their agenda is to re-establish absolute “fathers’ rights,” regardless of children’s best interests or of each parent’s relative skills and merits. Their tactic is demanding that child caretaking no longer be acknowledged upon separation or that it devolve to a “joint custody” presumption. Billions are at stake for men in child support orders that would mostly become moot. This tactic greatly compromises the rights to separation and divorce for women unwilling to abandon a child to the hands of an abusive or neglectful parent. In a recently published article, “False Allegations of Abuse and Neglect When ParentsSeparate”(ChildAbuseandNeglect 29 [2005] 1333–1345), Nico Trocméa and Nicholas Balab of the University of Toronto summarize the characteristics associated with intentionally false reports of child abuse and neglect within the context of parental separation, using the 1998 Canadian Incidence Study of Reported Child Abuse and Neglect (CIS-98). They point out that “more than onethird of maltreatment investigations are unsubstantiated, but only 4% of all cases are considered to be intentionally fabricated.” In fact, within those minute numbers, they find that fathers are four times more likely than mothers to intentionally fabricate allegations of abuse or neglect. A summary of this article can be consulted on-line at http://www.cecw-cepb. ca/DocsEng/FalseAllegs13E.pdf/. From Martin Dufresne of Montreal Men Against Sexism (martin@laurentides.net).

Men @ Work continued from page 5

The Army’s Dubious Database on Sexual Assault Victims

he U.S. Army is proposing to create a centralized database of information on alleged sexual assault victims and assailants, according to the Department of Defense. The proposed database will include alleged victims’ and assailants’ names, social security numbers, police reports, and medical records, according to the Federal Register and Stars and Stripes. Army and Defense Department spokespersons have said that the purpose of the database is to help eliminate sexual assaults in the armed forces by identifying trends, allocating resources, and making sure victims get the services they need. They also stress that the records in the database will be made available to “authorized personnel only.” Some domestic violence advocacy groups, however, charge that the database goes too far by unnecessarily recording personal information about alleged rape victims. Organizations such as the Miles Foundation, a nonprofit advocacy group for militaryrelated victims of violence, and the group StopFamilyViolence.org fear that the establishment of such a database would have a chilling effect on the reporting of rapes in the military, with victims possibly being reluctant to have sensitive personal information about them stored on a central database, the degree of access to which is unknown. Such privacy issues apparently led StopFamilyViolence.org to send 100 e-mails an hour to the Defense Department on one day last November, protesting the database plan. The group is continuing to urge opposition to the proposed database on privacy grounds and out of concern that rape victims not be exposed and revictimized. Meanwhile, the Army says it is soliciting comment on the proposed database and will have no official response until all the desired input has been received.

en knitting? A group of Massachusetts men slowed things down to sit together—and knit— a blanket for a local domestic violence shelter. This past December, amid the rush of the Christmas shopping season, the Boston chapter of the National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS), along with Unitarian Universalist Men Against Domestic Violence (UUMADV), hosted the first ever Boston StitchFest at the Beacon Hill Friends House co-op. Ten men gathered to knit a blanket as a gift to a DV shelter, Renewal House. Although knitting a blanket won’t solve the problem of domestic violence, the men acknowledged, or patriarchy for that matter, it does provide an opportunity for men in particular—a gender not known for knitting prowess—to get together and practice their creativity along with a little collective work and community building. And to learn a useful skill in the process. For men who have felt called to work for feminism and an end to violence, StitchFest provided an opportunity to create the kind of community many hope to see in the larger world, according to NOMAS’s Matt Meyer. “It was a safe space where people could teach and learn from each other,” Meyer said. “About half of the participants arrived having never held a pair of knitting needles, which led to many one-on-one tutorials and a general sense of cooperative learning.” Will StitchFest be repeated? Stay tuned. If you knit it, will they come?

Men’s Resources International Opens Office in Springfield Some three dozen people from human service agencies, local government, counseling programs, and social change groups created a rainbow ribbon ceremony as part of a ritual celebrating the opening of the office of Men’s Resources International (MRI) in Springfield, Massachusetts March 30th. MRI, which is offering trainings and consultations with men’s initiatives and groups overseas, is an outgrowth of the Men’sResourceCenter for Change (MRC) and was founded by Steven Botkin, the MRC’s former executive director. MRI was expected to conduct its first training in Zambia in May. For more information, go to www. mensresourcesinternational.org. VM

Photo by Russell Bradbury-Carlin

• V oice M ale

M en @ W ork

Men Who Knit: StitchFest in Boston

Men’s Tears Every day since school began our ten year old bursts into tears: “My bike is scratched! My cat is hurt!” He pushes away our hugs, and weeps, standing, sitting, lying in the leaves, the great head with zinnia-petaled hair bowed over the heaving chest. Helpless, hopeless, wave after wave, he weeps until he’s done. It’s hard for us to listen, but we say to each other, “Why shouldn’t a boy cry?” Please God, why shouldn’t a man? Why shouldn’t all the men in the world lie down and cry, feet dangling, knuckles rubbing their wet faces. Let them stop working, stop traveling, stop talking, and sit, in the daylight, in the dark, in the woods and cities and deserts, and cry, sobs filling the sky, inhalations flooding their lungs with other men’s exhalations connecting them together, their bodies becoming one with rivers, lakes and seas; while we sisters, mothers, and grandmothers crouch down beside them, praying, our bodies feeling their pain as we do when our small sons cry: sweet and strong, these men and nations, bold enough to weep men’s tears. F R E YA M A N F R E D

SPRING 2006 •

Reprinted with the permission of the author from My Only Home (Red Dragonfly Press, 2003).

Violence Against Women: It’s a Men’s Issue Excerpts from the new book The Macho Paradox

• V oice M ale 8

Photo by Jonah Okun

ost people think violence against women is a women’s issue. And why wouldn’t they?Justabouteverywoman in this society thinks about it every day. If they’re not getting harassed on the street, living in an abusive relationship, recovering from a rape, or in therapy to deal with the sexual abuse they suffered as children, they’re ordering their daily lives around the threat of men’s violence. But it’s a mistake to call men’s violence a women’s issue. Take the subject of rape. Many people reflexively consider rape to be a women’s issue. But let’s take a closer look. What percentage of rape is committed by women? Is it 10 percent, 5 percent? No.Lessthan1percentofrapeiscommitted bywomen.Let’sstatethisanotherway:over 99 percent of rape is perpetrated by men. Whether the victims are female or male, men are overwhelmingly the perpetrators. But we call it a women’s issue? A major premise of this article (and my new book, The Macho Paradox) is that the long-running American tragedy of sexual and domestic violence—including rape, battering, sexual harassment, and the sexual exploitation of women and girls— is more revealing about men than it is about women. Men, after all, are the ones committing the vast majority of the violence. Men are the ones doing most of the battering and almost all of the raping. Men are the ones paying the prostitutes (and killing them in video games), going to strip clubs, renting sexually degrading pornography, writing and performing misogynous music. When men’s role in gender violence is discussed—in newspaper articles, sensational TV news coverage, or everyday conversation—the focus is typically on men

BY JACKSON K ATZ

“The long-running American tragedy of sexual and domestic violence—including rape, battering, sexual harassment, and the sexual exploitation of women and girls— is more revealing about men than it is about women. Men, after all, are the ones committing the vast majority of the violence. ” as perpetrators, or potential perpetrators. These days, you don’t have to look far to seeevidenceofthepainandsufferingthese men cause. But it’s rare to find any in-depth discussion about the culture that’s producing these violent men. It’s almost as if the perpetrators were aliens who landed here from another planet. It’s rarer still to hear thoughtful discussions about the ways our culture defines “manhood,” and how that definition might be linked to the endless string of stories about husbands killing wives, or groups of young men raping girls (and sometimes videotaping the rape) that we hear about on a regular basis.

Why isn’t there more conversation about the underlying social factors that contribute to the pandemic of violence against women? Why aren’t men’s attitudes and behaviorstowardwomenthefocusofmore critical scrutiny and coordinated action? In the early 21st century, the 24/7 news cycle brings us a steady stream of gender violence tragedies: serial killers on the loose, men abducting young girls, domestic violence homicides, sexual abuse scandals in powerful institutions like the Catholic Church and the Air Force Academy. You can barely turn on the news these days without coming across another gruesome sex crime—whether it’s a group of boys gang-raping a girl in a middle school bathroom, or a young pregnant mother who turns up missing and a few days later her husband emerges as the primary suspect. Isn’t it about time we had a national conversation about the male causes of this violence, instead of endlessly lingering on its consequences in the lives of women? Thanks to the U.S. battered women’s and rape crisis movements, it is no longer taboo to discuss women’s experience of sexual and domestic violence. This is a significant achievement.Toanunprecedentedextent, American women today expect to be supported—notcondemned—whentheydisclose what men have done to them (unless the man is popular, wealthy, or well-connected, in which case all bets are off). This is all to the good. Victims of violenceandabuse—whetherthey’rewomen or men—should be heard and respected. Their needs come first. But let’s not confuse concern for victims with the political will to change the conditions that led to their victimization in the first place. On talk shows, in brutally honest memoirs, at Take Back the Night rallies, and even in

How Many Women Are Survivors of Men’s Violence? Way Too Many. Chances Are, You Know One or More of Them “My father was a violent man. His physical and verbal abuse terrorized my mother and all five of his kids. I was in my fifties before I truly realized howmuchthisexperiencehasimpactedmypersonalityandrelationships. But the cycle can be broken.” —New York Yankees manager Joe Torre

everal years ago I was in a theater watching a movie with a girlfriend when she abruptly got up out of her seat and, without saying a word, ran out the door. I didn’t know what to do. Follow her out into the lobby? Keep watching the movie and wait for her to come back? I was not sure how to react because I did not know why she had left. Was it something she had eaten? Was it something I had done? I shifted anxiously in my seat. Was she angry at me? Later, when we discussed what had happened, I was both relieved to find out I was not responsible and amazed at my own lack of awareness. Her response had been triggered by a scene of violence. She was a rape survivor, and something about that scene brought back intense fear and pain; she had to flee. I knew about the rape, which had happened when she was a teenager. At that point we had not discussed the details of her assault, or the trauma symptoms she still experienced. I spent some time agonizing over how I could have anticipated and prevented the entire incident. But she picked out the movie—didn’t she know it would have violent scenes? Eventually, as I moved through some initial—and reflexive—defensiveness, I realized there probably wasn’t anything I could have done. This was not about me, after all; it was about her. This incident was not the first time that violence against women became personal for me—and it was hardly the last. I would have a hard time counting all the women I know who are survivors of some kind of men’s violence, abuse, or mistreatment. There are way too many. And it is not just me: Every single man I know has at least one or two women in his life who have been emotionally, physically, or sexually abused by men. Some of us have many more. Consider this curious sequence of events that happened a few

to focus on the “against women” part of the phrase. But someone’s responsible for doing it, and (almost) everyone knows that it’s overwhelmingly men. Why aren’t people talking about this? Is it realistic to talk about preventing violence against women if no one even wants to say out loud who’s responsible for it? For the past two decades I’ve been part of a growing movement of men, in North America and around the world, whose

aim is to reduce violence against women by focusing on those aspects of male culture—especially male peer culture—that provide active or tacit support for some men’s abusive behavior. This movement is racially and ethnically diverse, and it brings together men from both privileged and poor communities, and everyone in between. This is challenging work on many levels, and no one should expect continued on page 10

SPRING 2006 •

celebrityinterviews,oursocietynowgrants many women the platform to discuss the sexual abuse and mistreatment that have sadly been a part of women’s lives here and around the world for millennia. But when was the last time you heard someone in public or private life talk about violence against women in a way that went beyond the standard victim fixation and put a sustainedspotlightonmen—eitherasperpetrators or as bystanders? It is one thing

years ago. I was in a bank in Boston on a sunny, cold winter morning, completing a transaction with a teller with whom I had done business for a couple of years. She was a dark-haired Italian-American woman in her forties, with a thick Boston accent and a smoker’s raspy laugh. We had always exchanged polite chatter but never a really substantive conversation. I was anxious about time; I told her I had to get to the airport. She asked me where I was going. When I told her Montana, she probed me about why I would be going all the way out there. “To give a speech tonight,” I said. “About what?” she inquired. “Violence against women,” I hesitatingly answered. She leaned forward with theatrical flair, and then across the teller’s window confided in me with a smirk of mock secretiveness. “Let me tell you about violence against women,” she said calmly. “I had a boyfriend who beat me so bad he left me in a coma. He’s dead now, but I’d kill him if he wasn’t.” Later that day, I was in the Salt Lake City airport, trying to figure out how I would get to Montana after my flight—the last flight of the day—had been cancelled. At the airline customer service desk I told the empathetic agent—a 30-something white woman— that if I could not figure out a way to get to Missoula, I would have to go back to Boston, because I was scheduled to give a speech that night. Getting to Montana a day late would be pointless. “What’s your speech about?” she inquired. She lit up when I told her. “I could give your speech,” she exclaimed. “A former airline employee has been stalking me for months,” she said. “The case was just in the paper, since I filed a suit against him. Did you hear about it? I don’t know what’s going to happen.” As I headed back through the terminal, I wondered something that I ponder to this day: How many of the women walking by me have similar stories to tell? Were these two women a statistical aberration? Are these types of experiences so common in the lives of women in our era that they are closer to the norm than the exception? Are stories like these just beneath the surface everywhere?

• V oice M ale

Violence Against Women continued from page 9

rapid results. For example, there is no way to gloss over some of the race, class, and sexual orientation divisions between and among the men ourselves. It is also true that it takes time to change social norms that are so deeply rooted in structures of gender and power. Even so, there is room for optimism. We’ve had our successes: There are arguably more men today who are actively confronting violence against women than at any time in human history. Make no mistake.Women blazed the trail that we are riding down. Men are in the position to do this work precisely because of the great leadership of women. The battered women’s and rape crisis movements and their allies in local, state, and federalgovernmenthaveaccomplishedaphenomenalamountoverthepastgeneration. Public awareness about violence against women is at an all-time high. The level of services available today for female victims and survivors of men’s violence is—while notyetadequate—nonethelesshistorically unprecedented. But one area where our society still has a very long way to go is in preventing perpetration. We continue to produce in the United States hundreds of thousands of physically and emotionally abusive—and sexually dangerous—boys and men each year. Millions more men participate in sexist behaviors on a continuum that ranges from mildly objectifying women to literally enslaving them in human trafficking syndicates. We can provide services to the female victims of these men until the cows come home.We can toughen enforcement of rape, domestic violence, and stalking laws, arrest and incarcerate even more men than we do currently. But this is all reactive and after the fact. It is essentially an admission of failure. What I am proposing is that we adopt a much more ambitious approach. If we are going to bring down the rates of violence against women dramatically—not just at the margins—we will need a far-reaching cultural revolution. At its heart this revolution must be about changing the sexist social norms in male culture, from the elementary school playground to the common room in retirement communities—and every locker room, pool hall,

and boardroom in between. For us to have any hope of achieving historic reductions in incidents of violence against women, at a minimum we will need to dream big and act boldly. It almost goes without saying that we will need the help of a lot more men—at all levels of power and influence—than are currently involved. Obviously we have our work cut out for us. As a measure of just how far we have to go, consider that in spite of the misogyny and sexist brutality all around us, millions of nonviolent men today fail to see gender violence as their issue. “I’m a good guy,” they say. “This isn’t my problem.” For years, women of every conceivable ethnic, racial, and religious background have been trying to get men “We can provide services to the female victims of violent men until the cows come home. We can toughen enforcement of rape, domestic violence, and stalking laws, arrest and incarcerate even more men than we do currently. But this is all reactive and after the fact. It is essentially an admission of failure.” around them—and men in power—to do more about violence against women. They have asked nicely, and they have demanded angrily. Some women have done this on a one-to-one basis with boyfriends and husbands, fathers and sons. They have patiently explained to men they care about how much they—and all women—have been harmed by men’s violence. Others have gone public with their grievances. They have written songs and slam poetry. They have produced brilliant academic research. They have made connections between racism and sexism. They have organized speakouts on college campuses, and in communities large and small. They have marched. They have advocated for legal and political reform at the state and national level. On both a micro and a macro level, women in this era have successfully broken through their historical silence about violence against women and found their

voice—here in the United States and around the world. Yet even with all of these achievements, women continue to face an uphill struggle in trying to make meaningful inroads into male culture. Their goal has not been simply to get men to listen to women’s stories and truly hear them—although that is a critical first step. The truly vexing challenge has been getting men to actually go out and do something about the problem, in the form of educating and organizing other men in numbers great enough to prompt a real cultural shift. Some activist women—even those who have had great faith in men as allies—have been beating their heads against the wall for a long time, and are frankly burned out on the effort. I know this because I have been working with many of these women for a long time. They are my colleagues and friends. My work is dedicated to getting more men to take on the issue of violence against women, and thus to build on what women have achieved. The area that I focus on is notlawenforcementoroffendertreatment, but the prevention of sexual and domestic violenceandalltheirrelatedsocialpathologies—including violence against children. To do this, I and other men here and around the world have been trying to get our fellow men to see that this problem is not just personal for a small number of men who happen to have been touched by the issue. We try to show them that it is personal for them, too. For all of us. We talk about men not only as perpetrators, but as victims. We try to show them that violence by men against each other—from simple assaults to gay-bashing—is linked to the same structures of gender and power that produce so much men’s violence against women. But there is no point in being naïve about why women have had such a difficult time convincing men to make violence against women a men’s issue. In spite of significant social change in recent decades, men continue to grow up with, and are socializedinto,adeeplymisogynous,maledominated culture,whereviolenceagainst women—from the subtle to the homicidal—isdisturbinglycommon.It’snormal. And precisely because the mistreatment of women is such a pervasive characteristic of our patriarchal culture, most men, to a

Esta Soler, executive director of the Family Violence Prevention Fund and an influential leader in the domestic violence movement, says that activating men is “the next frontier” in the women-led movement. “In the end,” she says, “we cannot change society unless we put more men at the table, amplify men’s voices in the debate, enlist men to help change social norms on the issue, and convince men to teach their children that violence against women is always wrong.” Call me a starry-eyed optimist, but I have long been convinced that there are millions of men in our society who are ready to respond well to a positive message about this subject. If you go to a group of men with your finger pointed (“Stop treat“If we are going to bring down the rates of violence against women dramatically, we will need a farreaching cultural revolution. We will need the help of a lot more men.” ing women so badly!”) you’ll often get a defensive response. But if you approach the same group of men by appealing, in Abraham Lincoln’s famous words, to “the better angels of their nature,” surprising numbers of them will rise to the occasion. For me, this is not just an article of faith. Our society has made real progress in confronting the long-standing problem of men’s violence against women in my lifetime. Take the 1994 Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). It is the most farreaching piece of legislation ever on the subject. Federal funds have enabled all sorts of new initiatives, including prevention efforts that target men and boys. There have been many other encouraging developmentsonboththeinstitutionaland the individual levels. Not the least of these positive developments is the fact that so many young men today “get” the concept of gender equality and are actively working against men’s violence. There are a number of studies in the past several years that demonstrate that significantnumbersofmenareuncomfortable with the way some of their male peers

talk about and treat women. But since few men in our society have dared to talk publicly about such matters, many men think they are the only ones who feel uncomfortable. Because they feel isolated and alone in their discomfort, they do not say anything. Their silence, in turn, simply reinforcesthefalseperceptionthatfewmen areuncomfortablewithsexistattitudesand behaviors. It is a vicious cycle that keeps a lot of caring men silent. I meet men all the time who thank me— or my fellow activists and colleagues—for publicly taking on the subject of men’s violence. I frequently meet men who are receptivetotheparadigm-shiftingideathat men’s violence against women has to be understood as a men’s issue. Their issue. These men come from every demographic and geographic category. They include thousands of men who would not fit neatly into simplistic stereotypes about the kind of man who would be involved in “that touchy-feely stuff.” Still, it is an uphill fight. Truly lasting change is only going to happen as new generations of women come of age and demandequaltreatmentwithmeninevery realm, and new generations of men work with them to reject the sexist attitudes and behaviors of their predecessors. This will take decades, and the outcome is hardly predetermined.Butalongwithtensofthousands of activist women and men who continue to fight the good fight, I believe that it is possible to achieve something much closer to gender equality, and a dramatic reduction in the level of men’s violence against women, both here and around the world. And there is a lot at stake. If sexism andviolenceagainstwomendonotsubside considerably in the 21st century, it will not just be bad news for women. It will also say something truly ugly and tragic about the future of our species. VM

Jackson Katz is one of the nation’s leading advocatesingenderviolenceeducationanda co-founderofMentorsinViolencePrevention (MVP). He is co-creator of the video Tough Guise: Violence, Media and the Crisis in Masculinity. Excerpts are from The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help (Sourcebooks, Inc.,2006).Usedbypermissionoftheauthor.

SPRING 2006 •

greater or lesser extent, have played a role in its perpetuation. This gives us a strong incentive to avert our eyes. Women, of course, have also been socialized into this misogynous culture. Some of them resist and fight back. In fact, women’s ongoing resistance to their subordinate statusisoneofthemostmomentousdevelopments in human civilization over the past two centuries. Just the same, plenty of women show little appetite for delving deeply into the cultural roots of sexist violence. It’s much less daunting simply to blame “sick” individuals for the problem. You hear women all the time explaining away men’s bad behavior as the result of individual pathology: “Oh, he just had a bad childhood,” or “He’s an angry drunk. The booze gets to him. He’s never been able to handle it.” But regardless of how difficult it can be to show some women that violence against women is a social problem that runs deeper than the abusive behavior of individual men, it is still much easier to convince women—of all races, ethnicities, and religious beliefs—that dramatic change is in their best interest than it is to convince men. In fact, many people would argue that, since men are the dominant sex-class, and violence serves to reinforce this dominance, it is not in men’s best intereststoreduceviolenceagainstwomen, and that the very attempt to enlist a critical mass of men in this effort amounts to a fool’s errand. For those of us who reject this line of reasoning, the big question, then, is how do we reach men? We know we’re not going to transform, overnight or over many decades, certain structures of male power and privilege that have developed over thousands of years. Nevertheless, how are we going to bring more men—many more men—into a conversation about sexism and violence against women? And how are we going to do this without turning them off, without berating them, without blaming them for centuries of sexist oppression? Moreover, how are we going to move beyond talk and get substantial numbers of men to partner with women in reducing men’s violence, instead of working against them in some sort of fruitless and counterproductive gender struggle? That is the $64,000 dollar question.

Reflections on Neil Entwistle

Fathers in Crisis By Haji Shearer

• V oice M ale

n January 22, a woman and her infant child were foundshottodeathintheir homeinsuburbanBoston. Thehusbandandfatherof thisunfortunatefamilyhadflownbacktohis native England on a one-way ticket shortly after the murders.The gruesome nature of the crime contrasted with the image of an upstanding,middleclass,whitefamily,catapultingthecaseintoaninternationalmedia spectacle. In February, Neil Entwistle, the husbandandfather,wasindictedfordouble murderandextraditedtotheUnitedStates. VoiceMalecontributingwriterHajiShearer hopesthatoneoutcomeofthistragedyisthat anothertroubledfather—ormother—seeks help for problems with debt, deception, or depressionbeforeanotherdisasterdevastates another family. As an advocate for what is described as healthy father involvement, I realize the Neil Entwistle story reflects badly on fathers everywhere. Although Entwistle pleaded not guilty to the murders, his own behavior and circumstantial evidence presented in the media do not bolster his case. Some may abhor these questions, in part, because everything that follows is based on conjecture, but I wonder: If in fact he did commit these crimes, what would cause a man to take the lives of his wife and infant daughter? What was his state of mind before this tragedy? The media reported that he was in debt, that he was lying to his wife, that he was researching murder and suicide on the Internet, and that he was exploring hooking up with sexual partners from various websites. By some accounts, he hinted to his family that he had a secret job with the British government. I’ve seen nothing indicating there was previous family violence or that he had a substance abuse

“Entwistle struck a chord because he appeared so ‘normal’ before going over the edge. Driving around in his SUV, loaded with debt, looking for a little action on the side and trying to keep the deals coming fast enough to shoo the wolf from the door, he looked like a lot of American men.” The Entwistle family in happier times.

problem, but more disclosures will surely come with the trial. No one close to the family has acknowledged seeing Entwistle’s demons before the murders, but given what has come out in news reports he must have been under a great deal of stress. Of course, all families are stressed these days. The salient questions are: what is the breaking point; where is the fabric weakest; and what can be done to mitigate the stress? One way the Entwistle saga can be productive on a level beyond morbid titillation is if this tragedy inspires another father or mother to seek help for problems with debt, deception, or depression before another disaster saturates the media. As a social worker, I’ve worked with many men, women, and children who “lost it” and became dangerous. As a husband and father, I too have separated

from my sanity in smaller ways and seen how close that edge can be. One of the things that fascinates people about public family dramas is that, if we’re honest, with just a little imagination we can see our own family in similar straits. There but for the grace of God go I. Just as we identify with great athletes, singers, and businesspeople, we can identify with great transgressors of law as well. Is there anyone out there who hasn’t thought about going postal?“Is that baby crying again?!” “Leave me alone about the money, will you?!” “It doesn’t matter where I was, I was just out, OK?!” “What, I can’t look at a little porn on the computer?!” How many families today are in debt? How many spouses hide money problems from their mate? How many dads hook up online? How many new parents feel like pillowing that crying baby?

of debt, depression, desertion and lust, but those problems pale in comparison to being tried as a double murderer. Faced with similar stressors, it’s likely a greater percentage of men remain home physically, but check out emotionally. Others are arrested for lesser crimes related to unhealthy coping mechanisms, like taking drugs, soliciting prostitutes, or committing financial crimes to cover their debt. Fathers in these types of situations must realize that deception, debt, lust and family stress are a toxic combination that will not go away by themselves, but can be managed. I’m a proponent of small, regular healing circles for men to recalibrate our lives. Ken Canfield, author of The 7 SecretsofEffectiveFathers(TyndaleHouse, 1993), goes so far as to say, “A man without a small group is an accident waiting to happen.”Finding some way to manage the stress that occurs in high-pressured 21st-century life is essential to our good health. Men’s groups, physical exercise, team sports and other activities that connect us with other men, and spiritual rituals like meditation and reflection can go a long way in helping to pull a man back from the brink of desperation. Entwistle struck a chord because he appeared so “normal” before going over the edge. Driving around in his SUV, loaded with debt, looking for a little action on the side and trying to keep the deals coming fast enough to shoo the wolf from the door, he looked like a lot of American men. Throw in some guns, some mental illness, maybe some drugs and you’ve got a made-for-TV movie. If we look at this on a deeper level, we can see patterns in our culture that extend well beyond this one family and its sorrow. And, if we are wise, we will set up individual and societal supports to prevent such another family tragedy from happening, and to keep other fathers from “losing it,” in both large and small ways. VM Haji Shearer advocates for healthy father involvement, facilitates men’s groups, and lives with his wife, son, and daughter outside of Boston. He writes frequently for Voice Male and can be reached at hajishearer@juno.com.

Looking to Connect? Try the MRC’s Drop-in

MEN’S SUPPORT GROUPS

IN NORTHAMPTON

Open to all men. Tuesdays, 6:45-8:45 PM Council on Aging, 240 Main St. IN AMHERST

Open to all men. Sundays, 7-9 PM at the MRC IN GREENFIELD

Open to all men. Wednesdays, 7-9 PM Network Chiropractic, DHJones Building, Mohawk Trail FOR GAY, BISEXUAL & QUESTIONING MEN

Open to all gay, bisexual, gay-identified F-to-M trans men & men questioning orientation Mondays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC FOR MEN WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED CHILDHOOD NEGLECT AND/OR ABUSE

Open to all men who have experienced any form of childhood neglect and/or abuse (physical, emotional or sexual) Fridays, 7-8:45 PM, at the MRC FACILITATED BY TRAINED VOLUNTEERS FREE & CONFIDENTIAL

MEN’S RESOURCE CENTER 236 N. PLEASANT ST., AMHERST

(413) 253-9887, ext. 10 aarnaboldi@mrcforchange.org

SPRING 2006 •

Mental health clinicians all over the world have already done drive-by diagnoses on Neil Entwistle, but let’s refrain from that for a moment and look at just two possibilities. One, he married his wife in 1999 with the idea that he would someday murder her and their child. Or, two, he got married seven years ago with the same hopes and dreams of marital bliss that have kept function halls and wedding photographers in business for generations. The reality is we will never know what was in his heart that day and therefore we cannot rule out the first possibility. However, given what we know so far it appears the second possibility is at least as likely as the first. And if Neil Entwistle did marry with the sincere vision of a long, productive marriage and generally happy family life, then his story is more instructive to us. If the second possibility is true then the internal mechanisms of his mind shifted in the past seven years to such a degree that this terrible crime became thinkable and doable. We know that Entwistle was not alone in the types and degree of stress he was under, and it would be naïve to think he is the only man or woman to consider such an ignoble “solution.” In fact, he may be immortalized not only in the criminal annals of this country, but in the criminal lexicon as well. Just as certain men have considered and even threatened to “pull an O.J.,” others may now contemplate “pulling an Entwistle.” My point here is not to create an abundance of empathy for a murdering spouse and father. Besides, empathy doesn’t suggest a criminal should not be held accountable for his actions. I write about Entwistle not for the rare father who might go off and kill his family under similar stress, but for the many more who engage in less extreme, but still unhealthy coping mechanisms, under similar pressures. A significant number of men simply disappear when the burdens of family life become too heavy. If Entwistle did commit these crimes, it would have been infinitely better for him to have gotten on the plane for a respite to England before he murdered his wife and daughter. He would still have problems

Raising Our Sons

Boyhood Without (Much) Weaponry By Sarah Werthan Buttenwieser

• V oice M ale

’ve never bought a toy gun or sword. Before our first child, gender unknown, arrived, we vowed to do what we could to keep our household weapon- and Barbiefree. Our simplistic reasoning: weapons encourageboystoemulatetoughwarriors, and Barbie encourages girls to value unattainable body measurements over actual accomplishments. If we could shield our kids from these toys, surely the underlying messages wouldn’t filter through, or at least not so strongly. We were somewhat naïve, of course. We didn’t really take into account the influences of societal norms or peers’ preferences. Nor did we imagine that this wouldn’t be easy to pull off. Certainly, we weren’t wrong about the forcefulness with which those toys are promoted. One need only walk down the blue aisles at Toys “R” Us to confirm that from GI Joe to all types of weaponry, the explicit, prevailing notion is that boys and fighting go together. According to the toy industry, “boys will be boys” means boys will fight. So buy them guns. Consider some of the most popular marketed “boy” categories of fantasy play: construction, racecars, firefighters, knights, space aliens, cowboys, and pirates—and this is leaving out media influences like the Star Wars franchise. Firefighters have axes, used purposefully in their work, just as construction workers require saws and drills. Knights and pirates have swords, essential equipment for their historic battles. The first sword that entered our house, carried by a semi-smiling plastic knight prepared to slay a green dragon, measured not much more than the tip of my pinky. This gift, ripped open instantly, now belonged to the burgeoning toy collection. I grabbed the sword, hid it in my hand and rushed it out of sight. When your first child moves from toys large

“Over time, I’ve begun to understand that there’s a balance to be found; while I deem weaponry bad, I also must respect my kids’ interests—anyone have teens who like gangsta rap?” enough to put in his or her mouth to toys comprising seemingly infinitesimal tiny parts, you scramble not to lose any all-important pieces. So, after this stealth operation, I hesitated. By messing with the toy’s pristine intactness, I was trying to ensure that ours would become a gentle knight, or at least one wily enough to slay the dragon without weaponry. I tossed the bright plastic sliver into the garbage, and that sword was never missed. While we’ve never bought any guns or swords, gun-fighting or sword-fighting toys, knights and pirates do live in our house alongside construction guys and baby dolls. (And one lone “Glinda”

Barbie. She was a prize at a baby shower for a lesbian couple. Glinda’s shoes and crown are long gone, her gown resting in a bin; she appears from time to time naked with disheveled blond hair, legs usually splayed in some strange position, far from any societal ideal of beauty). My husband brought in his childhood Lego sets, which included knights with swords and shields. Unlike me, he didn’t toss the weapons out before handing the set over. A foam pirate bath toy has the swords already in the pirate’s hands. Another pirate, a gift, joined the collection recently; there was a larger knight set with more weaponry that was traded in (before it was noticed by the three-yearold) for an arctic explorer. These pirates and knights do get played with some. Over time, I’ve begun to understand that there’s a balance to be found; while I deem weaponry bad, I also must respect my kids’ interests—anyone have teens who like gangsta rap? Take the stick that becomes a sword or the finger a gun. I used to quash made-up weaponry play immediately. But I started to think about how essential it is to reckon with impulse, aggression, power, and even the fantasy of destruction. I flashed back to how many beaten, drowned, and dismembered Barbies suffered throughout my childhood. Much like learning that kids need to be loud and need to race around even when the space to do so feels impossibly small or crowded, I wanted to create some room for this exploration. At the same time, I wanted to convey to them how I feel about violent play and more so about violence in general. Nowadays,theconversationgoessomething like this, when they are pretending to sword-fight (which occasionally happens): “Be careful, you guys. Why are you fighting?” The most usual response: continued on page 22

Why Are Our Boys Doing This?

The Gender Factor in Violence By Ira Horowitz

“Some may argue that males are inherently different from females. I will leave that to the scientists. Looking at all the evidence, however, it seems clear that how we socialize boys helps instill a violent form of masculinity in them.” rehashed these same factors. At one point, however, when asked whether there was a difference between girls and boys, one expert responded that a study of school violence from 1976 to 2001 revealed that “every kid pulling the trigger was male.” Gender was therefore raised as a factor—but then ignored in the rest of the discussion. I believe this is a mistake. While it cannot be denied that multiple factors play a role in understanding why such incidents occur, it seems clear that thewayoursocietysocializesboysestablishes the foundation for believing that acting violently is one way to demonstrate that you are a “real man.” As Luke Widham, a school shooter in the Mississippi incident, said afterward: “Murder is not weak and slow witted. Murder is strong and daring.” Thus the problem is not one of why are “kids” committing these acts; it is what is it about males—boys—that leads them to do so. Anti-violence educator Jackson Katz (see page 8) makes this same point in his excellent video Tough Guise, a documentary that looks at media influences that essentially teach boys and men about masculinity. To be male, then is to be tough, strong, and when necessary, violent. Some may argue that males are inherently different from females. I will leave it to scientists to debate the truth of that belief. Looking at all the evidence available to us, however, it seems clear

that how we socialize boys helps instill a violent form of masculinity in them. Thus, we teach boys virtually from birth that they must be strong, tough, and invulnerable. When they are babies, boys are held and nurtured less and addressed in deeper voices. Any sign of weakness in boys, most notably crying, is ridiculed at a very young age, as are displays of emotion other than anger. The fear is that if not treated this way, boys will grow up to be weak and ineffectual. At the same time, boys are taught that they are supposed to be in control, make the important decisions, protect others from harm, and be the primary provider for their family. “Real men,” they learn, dominate others. The reality, however, is that not all men can be (or truly even want to be, deep down) the dominant member of a group, a top-flight athlete, or the main breadwinner for a family. As a result, no man in our culture ever sees himself as a complete success, as truly whole, and we all live every day with fears of failure and inadequacy. The feelings we have are those of terror, insecurity, and low self-esteem—feelings that as males we are not permitted to express. Therefore we try to repress them, but eventually they must find an outlet. Unfortunately the main outlets seem to be to drop out (the ultimate form being suicide, which men commit at three to continued on page 23

SPRING 2006 •

hose of us who live in South Florida have been inundated with a series of newspaper articles asking how the beating to death this winter of a homeless man in Fort Lauderdale could have happened. The media’s reactions to this event are reminiscent of the national outcry that followed the outbreak of school shootings that took place several years ago in such places as Pearl, Mississippi; Jonesboro, Arkansas; and Littleton, Colorado. While the primary focus of this article is on the gender aspects of this problem, it first needs to be noted that both the public shock and media response have been so large because, as in the school shootings, the perpetrators were white, middle class, often suburban kids. Such incidents are not seen as unusual if they occur in inner-city schools or are committed by those who live in low-income neighborhoods. When violence occurs in those places, there often is no media coverage whatsoever; when there is, it is generally filled more with regret than with shock. It is only when so-called “normal kids” commit such acts that the hue and cry reaches a crescendo. Why this is so tells us a lot about where we are today as a society concerning issues of race and economic class. Both with the school shootings and the recent senseless beatings of the homeless, the question being asked is “Why are our kids doing this?” Among the causes listed have been uninvolved parents, peer pressure, violent video games that depict such beatings, and the violence and permissiveness portrayed in some forms of popular music and on television. When one local newspaper here in Florida convened a panel of child behavior experts to discuss the issue, they

Can Progressive Men Find Their Spiritual Voice? By Michael Lerner

• V oice M ale

espite all the advances of the past century, our culture continues to inculcate patriarchal values as it educates and socializes its children. It continues to value strength over compassion, power over vulnerability, “hardness” over “softness,” and to view the first of each of these pairs as appropriate for men and the second as appropriate for women. As psychologists have pointed out, parents work hard, consciously as well as unconsciously,toensurethatboysdevelop the masculine traits they will need to succeed. Mothers, who are usually our first caretakers and thus embody the nurturing traits of femininity for us, tend to push sons away from them earlier than they do daughters so that boys will learn independence, a quality we assign to men. Boys learn early, from their own parents, from TV, and from the surrounding society, that to be considered a man they must strongly disidentify with their mothers and suppress the “feminine” inside of them. Becoming the school-yard bully, greeting a friend by giving him a punch in the arm, focusing on guns and superheroes and video games that feature war and conquest and killing, emphasizing the victory in competitive sports, making fun of girls—all these are ways that preadolescent and adolescent boys learn to repress that part of them that actually wants very much to run back to mother, to be accepted by her, embraced by her, and even to be liked by her. Girls, meanwhile, are given the mixed message that they should identify with their mothers and yet that they should not value that identity. This mixed message causes serious self-esteem problems in preadolescent girls, manifested in falling grades, eating disorders, and other self-destructive behaviors.

“Many progressive men believe the central challenge in a patriarchal society is to create an approach to politics that will appeal to men—showing them that they are not going to be too vulnerable to the charges of softness. They felt the sting when California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger decried ‘girlie men.’” Given this culture, it’s understandable why so many of the politicians and pundits of the Left—women as well as men—gravitate toward worldviews that will make them look hard, tough, and powerful. No wonder, then, that so many on the Left find spirituality, religion, and even words like love, caring, kindness, and generosity so very threatening.These Leftists have already put themselves in the position of championing causes like peace (“sissies who are scared to fight”), the environment (“tree huggers”), and social justice (“liberal do-gooders”) that the Right puts down as soft and girlish. From a marketing standpoint, many Leftists believe, the central challenge in a patriarchal society is to create an approach to politics that will appeal to men, and that means showing them that they are not going to be too vulnerable to the charges of softness. They feel the sting when California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, decries the “girlie men” on the Left. For many on the Left, the solution seems obvious: Cling with tenacious ferocity to the world of science, with its “hard facts,” and to a scientism that dismisses spirituality and religion as lacking the hard foundation that facts provide. Distance yourself from anything that suggests emotionality and vulnerability. Build your strategies around the accumulation of power, not around the maximizing of loving experiences. Stay away from the

talk of awe and wonder about nature or about unnecessary suffering, and instead quantify, quantify, quantify. Show that you’ve got measurements that can back your case, that you are not relying on any of that silly girlish stuff like feelings and intuitions—forms of knowing that cannot be verified through empirical observation and confirmed through redoing the experiment under controlled circumstances. Show them you are tough. The gendering of political life manifests itself in larger geotopical movements as well as explains why so many people get attracted to visions of strength and power even when objective conditions seem to warrant the possibility of greater softness. In the years immediately following the collapse of communism in the Soviet Union and in surrounding Eastern European states we might have expected to see a surge of energy in the United States towards disarmament and redirection of government spending towards social needs. Instead, most politicians sought to reassure the population that we would keep vigilant and work to build a modernized army, while finding other potential enemies (as in the first Gulf War, fought to save the feudal monarchy in Kuwait from the expansionism of Saddam Hussein). This is not to deny the economic importance of the military-industrial complex and its powerful impact on the U.S. media and political discourse. Still, continued on page 26

Men’s Lives After Brokeback Mountain By Rob Okun

Although the cultural spotlight has moved off of the film Brokeback Mountain, its social impact islikelytobefeltforalongtimetocomeaspeoplearoundthecountrycontinuetograpplewiththeissueofhomophobiaandtoexplore expandeddefinitionsofrelationshipsandfamily.Equallyimportantisitspotentialinfluenceinshapingourunderstandingofthedepth andcomplexityofmen’sinteriorlives.WinnerattheAcademyAwardsofOscarsforbestdirector,adaptedscreenplay,andmusicalscore, Brokeback Mountain is already being understood as more than an artistically successful film.Voice Male editor Rob Okun also sees in it a poignant expression of men’s capacity to develop emotional literacy.

Heath Ledger, left, and Jake Gyllenhall starred in Brokeback Mountain.

more complicated than the Marlboro man stereotype many expected to meet. They weretoughandtender,capableandcaring, closed-mouthed and open-hearted. Ennis, in many ways, really is Everyman. Just as he had to come to grips with all of who he was—beyond questions about his sexual identity—like him, all men have to try to understand our own interior lives. For contemporary men, the inner struggle Ennis waged was emblematic of our own yearning for wholeness. While hestruggledtoreconcilepowerfulfeelings of love for and love from Jack, like him, most men—straight, bi, gay or questioning—struggle with an equally powerful old-style masculinity that tries to hold us in its grip. It’s true that while not all men are romantically attracted to other men, not all men are uncomfortable being close with each other. Sadly, though, we have been encouraged to keep our emotional distance from other men by a society that relentlessly infects us with a virulent form of homophobia. It is that fear and devalu-

ing of men’s loving connection with other men that, for most of us, remains the primary impediment to our feeling safe enough to develop intimate, long-term friendships with one another. Like many of us, Ennis and Jack struggled with their identities as men, including as husbands and fathers. But through their struggle, or in spite of it, they revealed a multifaceted, textured, loving bond, one that exposed the big lie that would have men expressing only a very limited range of emotional literacy. Just as the institution of heterosexual marriage has not eroded in the two years since Massachusetts became the first state in the nation to declare all adults were free to marry, society’s definition of “real manhood” will not unravel if we allow the Jacks and Ennises of today inside the tent of contemporary masculinity. All we have to lose is our fear of growing close with our brothers. VM Rob Okun is the editor ofVoice Male. He can bereachedatRAOkun@mrcforchange.org.

SPRING 2006 •

rokeback Mountain is much more than a story of love unfulfilled, more than a story of Ennis Del Mar’s and Jack Twist’s relationship over a 20year span, and too richly layered to be dismissed simply as a story about “gay cowboys.” Ennis and Jack are not so easily pigeonholed. Nor are the rest of us. Characterizations of any man as simply “the silent type,” “a tough guy,” or “emotionally unavailable” are too shortsighted. Men’s yearning to connect, to not feel alone, to be visible for all of who we are, too long has been obscured by a guise of inscrutability, stoicism, isolation. Sadly,amongthosewhohaveperpetuated that myth the longest are men ourselves, and often with the loudest voice. What’s behind our actions? Fear. Fear of being seen as vulnerable. Fear of being seen as weak. Fear of being seen as overwhelmed by the curves life throws us. If we choose to listen to its message, Brokeback Mountain will likely be remembered as a major work of art that triggered ashiftinconsciousness,themomentwhen countless men began lifting off our shoulders the burdens conventional masculinity would have us carry: being the sole breadwinner, the infallible family leader, the ready-for-action stud—tough, strong, and almost always silent. What viewers of Brokeback Mountain—as well as readers of the Annie Proulx short story the film is based on—are invited to come to terms with are fresh ideas about what it means to be a man. The Ennis and Jack of 1963 that America was introduced to were men—western cowboys no less—much

• V oice M ale

B ook R eview

The Road to Brotherhood

By Gretchen Craig

uring my Christmas vacation I was stuck in western Massachusetts with little money and a terrible case of wanderlust. I hadn’t left the continent all year and hadn’t gone on a serious trip (traveling for several months at a time) since 2003. I was hungry. In desperation, I headed to a local library (in a neighboring town to spice things up) and roamed around the travel section. I started pulling books down off the shelf, hoping that something would manage to assuage my itchy feet. I was immediately drawn to FranzWisner’s Honeymoon with My Brother. The title was compelling enough for me to read the back cover. Collapse of a 10-year relationship days before the wedding? Two-year journey covering 53 countries? I was in. What surprised me as I started to read was that the book I had checked out to help soothe my wanderlust also tackled the theme of male bonding. Suddenly it wasn’t just my traveling side that was interested, but my gender-conscious side as well. Right there on the first page Franz Wisner dove into the topic of his relationship with his brother. “Details of our lives were relayed through our mom. Neither of us took the initiative to do more. I wanted to talk to Kurt. I needed to talk to Kurt, but I didn’t know how.” It was immediately apparent that this book was very consciously about brotherhood in addition to travel and romantic relationships. In the early part of the book, Wisner recounts his personal and professional history, both of which seemed very well situated by the time he was in his early thirties. The former press secretary for Pete Wilson (ex-governor of California) had a lucrative job at a major southern California land development company and a house in a nice neighborhood.

Honeymoon with My Brother: A Memoir by Franz Wisner St. Martin’s Press, 2005 274 pages; $23.95 ($15.97 on Amazon) Despite some relationship difficulties, he thought that he had found his life partner. However, when she backed out of their wedding five days before it was supposed to happen, Wisner felt lost. It was at this point, while he was in pain and needing comfort and support, that he began to recognize the holes in his relationship with his brother. Shortly after the breakup, Wisner found himself slipping from his prestigious post at the Irvine Company. Now relegated to a smaller office and a job with less responsibility, he decided to follow through on his honeymoon plans in Costa Rica, taking his divorced brother Kurt along with him. Days into the trip, the brothers had an exchange about eating habits that

opened Franz’s eyes further to their separateness: “I don’t know you, do I? Don’t have a clue about your feelings after the divorce or even how you like your coffee.” Days later, he proposed that the two of them take a year off from work and travel around the world together. While his may not be the finest prose I’ve encountered, Wisner does a good job of weaving together observations and facts from the 53 countries they visited, along with self-reflection and an expanding sense of the depths of brotherhood. He acknowledges his reluctance to talk to Kurt about his divorce and the difficulty he had in establishing a new dynamic between them. “I knew where I wanted the relationship to go; I just couldn’t figure out how to get there. We’d talked more in the last couple months than we had in the last decade, yet he still felt distant.” While travel remains the central theme of the book, there is a clear and inspiring progression in the relationship between the two brothers as they explore the world together. Honeymoon with My Brother is an energizing memoir in which the author manages to turn a difficult period in his life into an opportunity to grow—both as a person and as a brother. Whether you read it to travel vicariously, to learn about someone’s struggles with developing a strong, intimate bond between brothers, or just to get a look inside the head of an upper-class white Republican, the book is a worthwhile read. Those interested in learning more about the book can go to the author’s site: www.honeymoonwithmybrother.com. VM Gretchen Craig is an avid traveler, a quasiavidreader,andthedevelopmentcoordinator for the Men’s Resource Center for Change. She has a long-standing interest in gender issues and relationships between siblings.

Sleeping, Son

Nick, in his young son’s room, late at night. He moves as the words move him.

then bury for fear we might actually live out that dream. The kind of deep, buried, locked-down wish that visits in the night and makes you want to scream your guts out for wanting it, dying from the scrapedout hunger to hope. For anything. For one moment of simple, true, clear, breathable…peace. Something my father never found… It’s a spiral, little boy: Secrets lead to lying, lying to anger, anger to secrets, the wheel spins, and pretty soon you’re just a locked-up heap of flesh, impenetrable and walled-in, a pointless, moronic and blinded animal, like some macho idiot that’s gotten out of the funhouse car and can’t find his way through the maze. And here comes the screaming skeleton. And that’s where I don’t want you to end up. Sometimes I hate it so much, I fear it so much for your life that I want to kill it in me, like I could just cut it out of my chest and be rid of it, throw it in a dumpster. But that’s what I saw one day: rage can’t kill off rage. No. It’s only food, then—fuel: alcohol tossed on flames. So I try this instead, my sweet boy. I talk to you while you sleep. I sit on your floor and I try to meditate and quell the

fire. That’s why I took that class, to end the spiral if I can, to learn how to meditate on what they call the mind poisons. And, phew, I’ve got all three—anger, greed, delusion—big time. But you know what? Seeing them made them real to me. And I’m hoping I can be real for you, then. Because maybe it’s not in the genes, but it sure is in the life. All the stuff I watched my father do, all the times he lashed out and hit me with words and with his hands? That’s what he taught me about being a man. And that’s the biggest lie. And I won’t tell you the same lies; I swear to every god there is I won’t—not by what I do or think or act. No. I want all that to end with me. I want all that to end with me. That’s my mantra, son; for you. And it’s the secret, too, the one I wanted to touch for so long, and I just got it tonight, in this clear little flash. The secret, little man; so simple: I’m not like that—like him—and I don’t have to be like that—and neither do you. So I want all that to end. With me. And tomorrow I’ll say this to you in the light. Good night. VM Michael Wright directs the Interdisciplinary PrograminCreativeWritingattheUniversity of Tulsa. He is the author of Playwriting in Process.Thisoriginalmonologue,“Sleeping, Son” by Michael Wright, is reprinted by permission from Monologues for Men by Men, Volume 2, edited by Gary Garrison and Michael Wright. Copyright © 2003 by Heinemann. Published by Heinemann, a divisionofReedElsevier,Inc.,Portsmouth,NH. All rights reserved.

SPRING 2006 •

ittle boy, if you knew how I love to watch you sleep… I need to say this to you, now, and then I need to live it, need you to hold me to it, fierce as only you can be in your nine-year-old outlaw way. I want you to be better than me. I know, I know, this is what fathers say to sons, but I don’t mean it like have a better job or anything like that. I mean, live more truly. More truly than me. I realize that you got stuff from me that just came with the deal: my big nose might show up on your face any day now; you already got the cheekbones. That stuff I know you can work with; it’s just genes, DNA, luck of the draw. But what I fear is that there are other genes, like my anger or secrecy, that are in you. And I don’t know how to keep them from you, from poisoning you like they’ve poisoned me in my life. Toxic, stupid, blind… Did I get them from my father? I know I watched him burn in anger day after day, unhappy with his life, mad enough to run right over the cord on the electric lawnmower in sheer driven rage at having to mow the “god-damned lawn.” And I know he had secrets, just like I do. I think all men have secrets. I think we’re driven to it. Can’t be a crybaby, can’t be silly around “real” men—unless you’re drunk, of course—can’t be creative when you’re supposed to be a sports freak or a crotchhoisting, sneering tough guy. Can’t, finally, be. But those are just one kind of secret. I mean something else, I mean the kind of secrets that we hide even from ourselves. Like what we dream of for two seconds and

F athering

By Michael Wright

O ut L ines

For more info or to submit new entries for GBQ Resources contact us at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10 or voicemale@mrcforchange.org AIDS CARE/Hampshire County Contact: (413) 586-8288. Buddy Program, transportation, support groups and much more free of charge to people living with HIV. AIDS Project of Southern Vermont Contact: (802) 254-4444. Free, confidential HIV/AIDS services, including support, prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities. T.H.E. Men’s Program (Total HIV Education) Contact: Alex Potter (802) 254-8263, Brattleboro, VT. Weekly/monthly social gatherings, workshops, and volunteer opportunities. Email: eflash@sover.net Bereavement Group for Those Who Have Lost Same-Sex Partners For individuals who have lost a same-sex partner. 2nd Thursday of each month from 7-9 pm at the Forastiere Funeral Home, 220 Main St, E. Longmeadow, MA; year-round, walk-in group with no fee or pre-registration; bereavement newsletter also available. For more information, call (413) 733-5311. Continuum Support group for the gender variant/ transgender community. Goal: to provide support/ resources to individuals dealing with gender, and to provide a space where medical transition is not central. Meetings: third Tuesday of the month, at PrideZone in Northampton, from 7 - 9 p.m. For more information/directions contact Zane Barlow at (413) 221-5769 or email zane_Barlow@yahoo.com.

• V oice M ale

East Coast Female-to-Male Group Contact: Bet Powers (413) 584-7616, P.O. Box 60585 Florence, Northampton, MA 01062, betpower@yahoo.com. Peer support group open to all masculine-identified, female-born persons – FTMs, transmen of all sexual orientations/identities, crossdressers, stone butches, transgendered, transsexuals, non-op, pre-op, post-op, genderqueer, bi-gendered, questioning – and our significant others, family, and allies.Meetings 2nd Sundays in Northampton, 3-6 p.m.

Free Boyz Northampton Social/support meetings for people labeled female at birth who feel that’s not an accurate description of who they are. Meet 1st and 3rd Mondays, 7 p.m. at Third Wave Feminist Booksellers, 42 Green Street, Northampton. Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Men’s Support Group Drop-in, peer-facilitated. Monday,

7-9 p.m. Men’s Resource Center, 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA. For information: Allan Arnaboldi, (413) 253-9887, ext. 10. Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project Provides community education and direct services to gay, bisexual, and transgendered male victims and survivors of domestic violence. Business: (617) 354-6056. 24hour crisis line provides emotional support, safety planning, crisis counseling, referrals, and emergency housing: (800) 832-1901. www.gmdvp.org;email:support@gmdvp.org GLAD (Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders) Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders is New England’s leading legal rights organization dedicated to ending discrimination based on sexual orientation, HIV status and gender identity and expression. Contact: 30 Winter St., Suite 800, Boston, MA 02108. Tel: (617) 426-1350, Fax: (617) 426-3594, gladlaw@glad.org, www.glad.org. Legal Information Hotline: (800) 455-GLAD (4523). GLAD’s Legal Information Hotline is completely confidential. Trained volunteers work one-on-one with callers to provide legal information, support and referrals within New England. Weekday afternoons, 1:30-4:30; English and Spanish. GLASS (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Society) GLBT Youth Group of Franklin County Meets every Wednesday evening in Greenfield. Info: (413) 774-7028. HIV Testing Hotline AIDS Action Committee in Boston provides referral to anonymous, free or low-cost HIV testing/counseling sites: (800) 750-2016. For Hepatitis C information and referral: (888) 443-4372. Both lines are staffed M-F 9am-9pm and often have bi- and tri-lingual staff available. Men’s Health Project Contact: Hutson Innis (413) 747-5144. Education, prevention services, and counseling for men’s health issues, especially HIV/AIDS. Springfield, Northampton, Greenfield. Tapestry Health Services. Monadnock Gay Men A website that provides a social support system for gay men of Keene and the entire Monadnock Region of Southwestern NH. www.monadnockgaymen.com or email monadgay@aol.com

PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) of Springfield/ Greater Springfield Educational information and support for the parents, families, and friends of Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals, and Transgendered People. Contact info: MssEnn@aol.com, Judy Nardacci or Elizabeth Simon, 413-732-3240 Safe Homes: the Bridge of Central Massachusetts Providing support and services to gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender youth via a weekly Drop-In Center, community outreach system and peer leadership program. Based in Worcester, serving all towns in region. 4 Mann Street Worcester, Massachusetts 01602 Phone: 508.755.0333 Fax: 508.755.2191 Web: www.thebridgecm.org/programs.htm Email: info@thebridgecm.org SafeSpace SafeSpace provides information, support, referrals, and advocacy to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning (LGBTQQ) survivors of violence and offers education and outreach programs in the wider community. P.O. Box 158, Burlington, VT 05402. Phone: 1-802-8630003; toll-free 1-866-869-7341. Fax: 1-802863-0004. Email: info@safespacevt.org. Website: www.safespacevt.org The Stonewall Center University of Mass., Amherst. A lesbian, bisexual, gay, and transgender educational resource center. Contact: (413) 545-4824, www.umass.edu/stonewall. Straight Spouse Network Monthly support group meets in Northampton, MA, the first Tuesday from 6-8 p.m. For spouses, past and present, of lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered partners. Contact: Jane Harris for support and location, (413) 625-6636; janenrosie@hotmail.com. Confidentiality is assured. The Sunshine Club Support and educational activities for transgendered persons. Info: (413) 586-5004. P.O. Box 564, Hadley, MA 01305. Email:av517@osfn.org,www.thesunshineclub.org. VT M4M.net Dedicated to promoting the overall good health of Vermont’s gay and bisexual men, as well as those who are transgender, by providing information, resources, and a calendar of events for gay, bisexual, questioning, and transgendered men. www.vtm4m.net

O ut L ines

No One Likes a Nelly Homo By Mubarak Dahir

one entry. “No fems” is a common mantra. “UB butch or UB gone,” reads another. “No girl acting guy,” or, “You have a dick, act like a man,” are just a couple of others in an endless stream of advertisements singing the praise of “manliness.” Some of these come with a veiled apology (“just my preference”) but most are as unabashed as they are callous. As I scrolled through the list of descriptions for butch, one particularly jumped out at me: “Normal and masculine only.” Here, quite succinctly and bluntly, the author succeeded in equating masculine with “normal,” suggesting, of course, that if you are a man who doesn’t live up to his standard of masculine, you are not normal. It hit me that this is exactly what our enemies in the heterosexual world have long done to us, as a way to stereotype us, humiliate us, put us down and demean us. As a way to make us less equal. Now, they don’t need to anymore. Looks like we’re doing a plenty good job of doing it to ourselves. I understand the attraction of a manly man. I run around in the bear and leather crowds, two subgroups famous in the gay world for their almost fetishlike worship of masculinity. I have had a beard since I was 19, and I go to the gym and aim for the bulging biceps look like so many other gay men. When I go out, I am more likely to wear Wranglers than Ralph Lauren. You’re not going to see me in anything that is frilly or shiny or gold lamé. If I see a guy I like, and I get up the courage to say hello, I’m sure my voice drops half an octave. In the world of machismo, I can “pass.” But it wasn’t always like that for me. When I was a schoolkid growing up

“There exists within the gay world a rigidly tiered system of superiority, with the butch men at the top of the food chain, and the nelly queens at the bottom.”

in central Pennsylvania, I was the classic sissy. I played violin. And clarinet. And piano. I was book smart. I even liked reading and math and history. I sucked at sports. In gym class, I was always the last one to be picked for a team. The only activities I was good at on the playground during recess were jumprope and dodge ball. The girl games. My older sister frequently used to have to protect me from bullies on the playground. Even girls would beat me up. The reason I got picked on, of course, was that I was different. I was softer and gentler. I didn’t exemplify the standard notion of what it meant to be a boy. And that obviously scared and threatened the other kids, who were already so well indoctrinated by society even at such an early age. So their reaction was to lash out and beat me up. I thought about my playground days as I stood there at Pridefest and watched the group of burly “butch” men pick on the “nelly queen.” It occurred to me the situation wasn’t so different from my schoolyard days. Luckily, no one was getting physically assaulted. But the burly men were deficontinued on page 26

SPRING 2006 •

o one likes a nelly homo. Least of all these days, other homos. That fact is blatantly obvious in our own culture of desire, and I got a jolting reminder of it recently at a local Pride celebration where I live, called Pridefest. It was a perfect Florida day, sunny and warm without being too hot. There was almost no humidity. The weather conditions ensured that scores of muscled men would turn out, pumped, to show off their own pride. I parked myself between the concession stands and tents that housed the gay business booths. I stood there sipping a Diet Coke, admiring the sea of flesh and brawn. I had my focus on a particularly hunky group of hairy musclemen standing in a gaggle nearby. I wasn’t the only one marveling at them. They were the stars of the showcase of bare-chested beefcake. As I stood watching, an effeminate man passed by and, like everyone else assembled on the grounds there, ogled the burly studs. I figured the he-men should have been flattered. After all, they were showing off for the crowd. But they weren’t pleased at all about this one particular admirer. “Nelly faggot!” one said loud enough that I could hear him, and certainly so that the passerby could, too. “Prissy queen,” smirked another, and the whole group laughed together. The blatant animosity toward men perceived as sissies is ubiquitous in gay culture. All you have to do is visit any gay cruising or dating site to find it in abundance. Take, for instance, these real-life examples from the popular gay site Manhunt: “MASCULINE GUYS ONLY!” screams

R esources Men’s Resources (Resources for Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Men, see page 21) International Society for Men’s Health and Gender P.O. Box 144, A-1097, Vienna, Austria/ EUROPE Phone: +43 1 4096010, Fax: +43 1 4096011 www.ismh.org or office@ismh.org Montreal Men Against Sexism c/o Martin Dufresne 913 de Bienville Montreal, Quebec H2J 1V2 CANADA 514-563-4428, 526-6576, 282-3966 Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England. Fathers Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar association lawyer referral agency. In Mass. the number is (800) 392-6164. Here are some websites that may be of use to you: www.acfc.org * www.fathering.org www.dadscan.org www.divorcedfather.com www.dadsrights.org**(notwww.dadsrights.com) www.fathers.com www.fatherhood.org www.fathersnetwork.org www.divorcehq.com * www.divorcewizards.com * www.geocities.com/Heartland/Meadows/ 1259/links.htm * www.menstuff.org/frameindex.html(Fatherstuff) * good resource ** strongly recommended At Home Dad www.parentsplace.com/readroom/athomedad Dads and Daughters www.dadsanddaughters.org The Fathers Resource Center www.slowlane.com/frc National Fatherhood Initiative www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet Internet Resources American Men’s Studies Association: http://www.menweb.org/throop/orgs/ writeups/amsa.html

• V oice M ale

Brother Peace http://www.eurowrc.org/01.eurowrc/04.eurowrc_ en/36.en_ewrc.htm

EuroPRO-Fem: European Menprofemist Network www.europrofem.orgorcity.shelter@skynet.beor traboules@traboules.org Men Against Violence http://www.unesco.org/cpp/uk/projects/wcpmenaga.htm

Men Can Stop Rape www.mencanstoprape.org

Raising Our Sons continued from page 14

Men for Change (Nova Scotia) http://www.chebucto.ns.ca/CommunitySupport/ Men4Change/index.htm

“We’re knights. We won’t hurt each other.” If, however, sword or gun is pointed at me, I redirect the fantasy straightaway. “I don’t want to be shot. I don’t think it’s ever fun to pretend with a weapon that in real life kills people.” My eldest son, now 10, was never into fighting. Famously, at a four-year-old birthday party where boys were wielding laser swords with frantic, gleeful fury, he endeared himself to every parent in the backyard by declaring, “Stop with all that fighting. I don’t like weapons.” He reads all sorts of fantasy, some with violent battles, plays with Yu-Gi-Oh cards (the game features dueling) and enjoys other games involving conflicts from Battleship on out. His values are peaceful, environmentally conscious, antiracist, against gender discrimination—in short, all I could hope for. The seven-year-old, who says he likes the way the swords and shields look on the Lego guys, recently drew an elaborate picture of an alien war machine, which also fixed the roads on Mars. He published a letter to the editor in our local paper this past summer denouncing war. He and the three-year-old love to wrestle—heaps of kids–style—with his friends Kate, Alex, and Ella. None of my kids has ever asked for a toy weapon. Do their peace-affirming values have anything to do with not having weapons or guns or television? I can’t know—sample-size my one household, my three boys—but given all the studies of how prevalent violence is in children’s cartoons, I can only guess that this has helped. While we do talk about gun violence, the Iraq war, and other such issues, reality in our household plays out less about morals and more about how we live: with soccer andballet,drawingandhomemadeobstacle courses, lots of books and lots of hugs. And, of course, the odd pirate, knight, and alien war machine. VM

Men for HAWC http://www.danverspolice.com/domviol9.htm The Men’s Bibliography A comprehensive bibliography of writing on men, masculinities, gender, and sexualities, listing over 14,000 works. It’s free at: http://mensbiblio.xyonline.net/ Men’s Health Network http://www.menshealthnetwork.org/ Men’s Initiative for Jane Doe, Inc. www.mijd.org Men’s Issues Page www.vix.com/pub/men/index.html Men’s Resource Center for Change www.mrcforchange.org Men’s Resources International www.mensresourcesinternational.org Men Stopping Violence http://www.menstoppingviolence.org/index.php Mentors in Violence Prevention http://www.sportinsociety.org/mvp National Men’s Resource Center www.menstuff.org National Organization for Men Against Sexism www.nomas.org;Bostonchapterwww.nomasboston.org National Association of Men and Women Committed to Ending Violence Against Women www.acalltomen.org 100 Black Men, Inc. www.100bm.org White Ribbon Campaign www.whiteribbon.com;www.theribbonlady.com XY Magazine www.xyonline.net Pro-feminist men’s web links (over 500 links) www. xyonline.net/links.shtml Pro-feministmen’spolitics,frequentlyaskedquestions www.xyonline.net/misc/pffaq.html Pro-feministe-maillist(1997–)www.xyonline.net/ misc/profem.html Homophobiaandmasculinitiesamongyoungmen www.xyonline.net/misc/homophobia.html Magazines Achilles Heel (from Great Britain) www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achilles/issues.html Ending Men’s Violence-Real Men www.cs.utk.edu/~bartley/other/realMen.html The Men’s Rape Prevention Project www.mrpp.org/intro.html Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out www.geocities.com/CapitalHill/1139/quitporn.html

Writer and mother Sarah Werthan ButtenwieserlivesinwesternMassachusetts and writes for a number of publications, including the Daily Hampshire Gazette (Northampton, Mass.) and the Valley Advocate.

Gender Factor in Violence continued from page 15

Ira Horowitz is a gender awareness educator and Voice Male contributor who lives in Miami.

SPRING 2006 •

four times the rate of women), numb out (with alcohol or drugs, pornography, promiscuous sex, gambling, or other addictions) or punch out (become violent toward classmates, the partner in a relationship, or even a homeless person on the street). Each of these actions quite clearly represents a serious problem that our society must address. Yet despite our condemnations of actual violence, its depiction continues to be glorified throughout our culture. One relevant example is the popularity among boys 8 to 15 of professional wrestling, with its steroid-developed bodies, extreme macho attitudes, staged violence, and mistreatment of women. Other instances include Sportscenter replays of the “monster hit” in football or the “in your face” slam dunk, some popular music lyrics that are violent, homophobic, or misogynistic, and the adoration of violent male characters in action movies from Rambo and The Terminator onward, or even the mob figures depicted in The Sopranos. All of these reinforce the stereotypical images of men we learn from birth. Of course, male socialization cannot be the only cause of incidents such as the recent beatings in Fort Lauderdale or the shootings at Columbine High. The overwhelming majority of men and boys do not commit such acts, so other factors must play a role. But the fact that the perpetrators of such acts are almost always male means we must look to the modern construction of masculinity as the place to begin planning for change. We must first confront and overcome our own fears and insecurities relating to our image of what is a “real man.” In that way we can begin to teach boys the value of connection, compassion, and equality over invulnerability, toughness, and dominance. Once we have boys who see the former qualities as representing ideal manhood, it is safe to say that we will be seeing many fewer headlines such as the recent ones here in South Florida. VM

C alendar Please send all Calendar Listings for events from July 15, 2006 (and beyond) to:

V oice M ale C alendar voicemale@mrcforchange.org or mail to : 236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002 Fax (413) 253-4801 Deadline for Summer issue: June 30, 2006 April 28 - May 14 • Northampton, MA Marching Towards Freedom: Northampton’s Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Pride March Photographs and rare memorabilia highlighting the evolution of Northampton Pride will serve as a reminder of the struggles and victories of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender community of the greater Northampton area. A visual timeline will chart the changes and overall growth of the Pride March in Northampton. It is being made possible through a collaborative effort of Historic Northampton, Northampton Pride, Sexual Minorities Archives, and the Forbes Library. Cost: free Location: Historic Northampton Info: www.forbeslibrary.org, 413-587-1017

• V oice M ale

April 30 • Northampton, MA Military Recruitment, Reality and Return AFSC Youth Fellow Raul Matta will be hosting a youth-centered film screening and discussion with filmmakers. Films to be shown: All That I Can Be, Occupation: Dreamland, and Purple Hearts. Information available about ways to get involved in counter-recruitment efforts. Cost: $5 (some free tickets available through AFSC: 413-584-8975) Location: Academy of Music Info: www.westernmassafsc.org, 413-584-8975

May 6 • Northampton, MA Northampton Pride Parade The 25th anniversary of the annual parade in Northampton. Northampton’s goal is to foster events that honor the integrity, history and diversity of the Western Massachusetts LGBT community and create unity within the LGBT and allied communities. Cost: Free Location: Northampton, MA Info: www.northamptonpride.org

May 8 • Boston, MA Massachusetts Transgender Coalition Meeting Organization of statewide activists committed to ending discrimination on the basis of gender identity and gender expression. Members include lawyers, students, health care providers, and community members of all stripes dedicated to educating and advocating on behalf of gender freedom. Cost: free Location: 7 p.m. at BAGLY, 14 Beacon Street, 1st Floor conf. rm. Info: www.masstpc.org, gscott@masstpc.org May 10–June 21 • Amherst, MA Basic Skills I in Conscious Communication The Conscious Communication Institute and the Men’s Resource Center for Change present a six-week workshop on Conscious Communication skills. Facilitator Karen Fogliatti teaches participants how to feel competent and stay connected in the heat of differences and how to use conflict to enhance relationships. Open to men and women. Free introductory session on May 10. Cost:$180–$230 (sliding scale), includes materials Location: Men’s Resource Center for Change Info: karenmf@mindspring.com, 978-544-3844 May 15 • Amherst, MA The Growing Economic Divide: Inequality and the Roots of Economic Insecurity Felice Yeskel of Class Action and Prakash Laufer of United for a Fair Economy offer a workshop to identify how rising economic insecurity has affected our lives, communities. Cost: donation requested Location: Social Hall, Jewish Community of Amherst Info: www.faireconomy.org, www.classism.org,Prakash.laufer@gmail.com, 413-585-0763 May 19-21 • Rowe, MA Paths Untrodden: A Workshop for Gay Men Weekend with Rob Bauer, LSCW, honors participants’gay male wholeness and claims to a birthright as fully sexual and spiritual beings. Walking and sitting meditation and deepening self-love. All gay, bi, and trans men welcome, regardless of age and HIV status, whether single or in relationship. Cost: $170 to $270 plus room and board (depending on income) Location: Rowe Camp & Conference Center Info: www.rowecenter.org, info@rowecenter.org, 413-339-4954

June 2–4 • High Falls, NY Summer Gathering Peoples Music Network’s biannual gathering, part 2. All performers have strong commitment to social, ecological, and economic justice. Workshop topics: songwriting, choral and improvisational singing, labor, protest, and peace songs. Song swaps focus on environmental, gay/lesbian/bisexual and disabilities awareness issues. Cost: between $30 and $200, depending on age and income level, plus membership dues Location: Camp Epworth in High Falls, NY Info: www.peoplesmusic.org, pmnsfs@hvi.net, 845-626-4507 June 2–11 • Boston, MA Boston Pride – “Pride not Prejudice, Diversity not Division” Boston Pride has organized a week of Pride events for more than 35 years. Largest Pride celebration in New England (400,000 plus). Community celebrates in the only state that allows same-sex couples legal right to marry. 6/2 - Flag Raising, 6/3 - Faneuil Hall Day, 6/10 - Parade & Festival, 6/11 - Stuart Street Block Party & Women’s Block Party Cost: $75 - $900 for groups of five or more to march in the parade Location: various locations in Boston Info: www.bostonpride.org, president@bostonpride.org, 617-262-9405 June 17 • Amherst, MA Fathers & Families Field Day Join the Men’s Resource Center for Change in a pre-Father’s Day celebration of dads. The Field Day will feature games for adults and children to play together, free bag lunches, and a chance to spend the afternoon celebrating healthy and happy families. Cost: free Location: Groff Park Info: www.mrcforchange.org, gcraig@mrcforchange.org, 413-253-9887 ext.16

ROB OKUN

Justice of the Peace Officiating at Weddings for Couples in Massachusetts & Beyond (413) 253-7918 RAOkun@comcast.net

June 26–27 • Buffalo, NY Preventing Sexual Violence: Strengthening a Collaborative Response New York Coalition Against Sexual Violence (NYCASA) conference open to all programs and individuals committed to ending sexual violence. Conference features four track workshops/presentations: physical/mental health, criminal justice, campus, community education/advocacy. Cost: $250–$325 (including some meals and all conference materials) Location: Hyatt Regency Buffalo Info: www.nyscasa.org/news-nyscasa.php, sumpter@buffalo.edu, 716-645-3705 ext. 223 June 26–July 1 • Port Townsend, WA Theatre of the Oppressed Facilitator Training: “Waging Peace – Designing Justice” Mandala Center for Change presents sixday intensive workshop with community performance for beginner and experienced practitioners seeking to deepen their work. Created by Brazilian visionary Augusto Boal, Theatre of the Oppressed is a form of popular community-based education using theater as a tool for social change. Facilitated by Marc Weinblatt. Cost: $400; $350 if registered before 5/15, arrangements available based on need; no one turned away. Location: Masonic Hall Info: www.mandalaforchange.com, info@mandalaforchange.com, 360-344- 3435

August 11–13 • near Springfield, MA The Ninth Annual Ritual Abuse, Secretive Organizations and Mind Control Conference S.M.A.R.T. annual conference to help survivors of ritual abuse and to stop future occurrences of ritual abuse and mind control. Conference is for survivors, co-survivors, helping professionals, other interested parties. Cost: not available Location: DoubleTree Hotel near Bradley International Airport Info: smartnews@aol.com, PO Box 1295, Easthampton, MA 01027

MRC for Change on the Web: Surf Our Turf (Again)! New look, new logo— same innovative programs! www.mrcforchange.org (www.mensresourcecenter.org will still bring you to our site)

Moving Forward

SPRING 2006 •

Moving Forward

T hank Y ou ! Publisher Says “Thank You!” The Men’s Resource Center for Change, publisher ofVoice Male, receives community support from near and far. Voice Male allows us a public forum in which to thank the hundreds of people who have shared our inspirationandcommitment,andcontributed theirtime,services,andmoneytowardavision ofpersonalandsocialtransformation.Weare filledwithdeepgratitudeatthegenerosityofthe individuals and businesses listed below. Donated Space Network Chiropractic, Greenfield Northampton Council on Aging In-Kind Donations Big Y Supermarket, Hadley Henion Bakery, Amherst Loose Goose Café, Amherst Osaka Japanese Restaurant, Northampton Paradise of India, Amherst Whole Foods Market, Hadley Interns Malcolm Chu, Jack Ferris, Shawn Robinson Grants Puffin Foundation Office/Voice Male Volunteers Susan Craig, Jim Devlin, Joel Kaye, Helen Lee, Joe Leslie, Bob Mazer, Tom Schuyt, Cole Smith, Gary Stone, Aaron Williams Merry Men in March Performers: Hoopoe (aka Chris Yerlig), Rob Peck, John Porcino, Trevor the Games Man, Tim Van Egmond Volunteers: Cathryn Brubaker, Gretchen Craig, Michael Dover, Jan Eidelson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta, Joe Leslie, Bob Mazer, Frank Shea, Tom Sullivan Contributors: A2Z Science & Learning Store, Food for Thought Books, The Toy Box, Trader Joe’s, Tim Van Egmond House Party Allan Arnaboldi, Deb Berigow, Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Jan Eidelson, Gail Kielson, Peter Jessop, Mitch Sorensen, Roger Stawasz

• V oice M ale

Special Events Planning Committee Allan Arnaboldi, Gretchen Craig, Jan Eidelson, Darren Engstrom, Mitch Sorensen

Asalways,weextendourgratitudetotheMRC BoardofDirectorsfortheongoingguidanceand support they give to this organization and all who are a part of it. We are also grateful for all ofourstaff,whoregularlygoaboveandbeyond the call of duty, and to our team of volunteer support group facilitators, who every week provide a safe space for men to come and talk about their lives.

Progressive Men continued from page 16

OutLines continued from page 21

other possibilities might have emerged politically but for the fear of appearing soft. The danger of appearing too vulnerable is even greater when we are actually attacked, as the United States was on 9/11. Our psychosocial conditioning led us to respond to our own vulnerability by seeking safety and security in a powerful, “tough” male leader. Seen in this light, the attraction of many Americans to the Right and to the Republican Party is not hard to understand. Throughout the world the right wing is the political voice for toughness, for using power to dominate others, for striking at others before they can strike at you. This analysis also explains why some of those men who are part of the spiritual and religious world would be attracted to a muscular Christianity. That muscular quality prevents men from being seen as weak or powerless and attracts women who feel they lack strength and want it in some other form. Men who are supportive of progressive causes face a particularly difficult challenge because the basic prerequisite for peace and justice in the world is some degree of mutual trust between human beings. Concern about the well-being of others around the world, concern about animals suffering and trees being destroyed by clear-cutting, and concern about the oppression faced by minorities or foreigners are all connected to a generalized sensitivity to the suffering of others—and that kind of sensitivity our culture paints as feminine. In fact, it is precisely those so-called feminine qualities of love, softness, vulnerability, caring for others, generosity… that are desperately needed in a society that has gotten so out of balance, so male dominated, so out of touch with its own soul, that it reeks of spiritual crisis and disturbance. VM

nitely beating up on the guy who was less macho. They were picking on the man who was different, the guy who didn’t exemplify the socially accepted notion of what it means to be “a man.” Why? He obviously threatened them. He made them nervous. He touched on their insecurities as gay men. One of the great battle cries of the gay rights movement has been that our society should not only tolerate, but also embrace differences in people. Publicly, at least, we preach that diversity is what makes us, and our world, a more interesting, richer place. And yet, ironically, within our own ranks, we reject that very premise when it comes to the issue of masculinity. There exists within the gay world a rigidly tiered system of superiority, with the butch men at the top of the food chain. The nelly queens are the bottom of the barrel. Manhunt profiles and the Pridefest incident are just two examples of a ubiquitous attitude that permeates contemporary gay male society. Every gay man is, of course, free to choose who he finds sexy and what image he wishes to personally portray. But in doing so, there’s no need to denigrate those who don’t want to follow the same path of what it means to be “a real man.” Indeed, it would be a real loss, to all of us, if nelly queens disappeared from our ranks. How dull gay life would be if we all showed up at Pride in Wranglers and work boots, and no one came in a wig or something tight and shiny and wonderfully outrageous! Who would remind us how to laugh at ourselves, and the world around us? Who would show us the courage and strength it takes to defy the stiff molds of social expectation? And who would remind us all of our great sense of possibility? I say thank goodness for nelly queens. Where would any of us be without them? VM

Mubarak Dahir is the editor of the Express Gay News newspaper and the 411 Magazine in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

Men’s Resource Center for Change Programs & Services

Administrative Staff Executive Director – Rob Okun Associate Director – Russell Bradbury-Carlin Development Coordinator – Gretchen Craig Financial Manager – Paula Chadis Moving Forward Director – Russell Bradbury-Carlin Clinical Supervisor – Sara Elinoff-Acker Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison – Steve Trudel Partner Services Coordinator – Jan Eidelson Franklin County Coordinator – Joy Kaubin Hampden County Coordinator – Scott Girard Group Leaders – Sara Elinoff-Acker, Karen Fogliatti, Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta, Susan Omilian, Bill Patten, Tom Sullivan, Steve Trudel Support Programs Director – Allan Arnaboldi Support Group Facilitators – Allan Arnaboldi, MichaelBurke,JimDevlin,MichaelDover,DarrenEngstrom, Carl Erikson,Tim Gordon, Jerry Levinsky, Gábor Lukács, BobMazer,RobParfet,TomSchuyt,FrankShea,Sheldon Snodgrass, Roger Stawasz, Bob Sternberg, Gary Stone, Claude Tellier, Peter Venman Youth Programs Director – Allan Arnaboldi Group Leader/Outreach Worker– Paul Collins Board of Directors Chair – Peter Jessop Clerk/Treasurer – Charles Bodhi Members – Gustavo Acosta, Jenny Daniell, Tom Gardner,Yoko Kato, Gail Kielson, Jonathan Klate, Tom Schuyt Executive Director Emeritus – Steven Botkin

Main Office: 236 North Pleasant St. • Amherst, MA 01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.4801 Springfield Office: 29 Howard St. • Springfield, MA 01105 • 413.734.3438 E-mail: mrc@mrcforchange.org Website: www.mrcforchange.org

Fathering Programs ■ A variety of resources are available — Fathers and Family Network programs, lawyer referrals, parenting resources, workshops, presentations and conferences. Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.10 Youth Programs ■ Young Men of Color Leadership Project Amherst ■ShortTermGroups,Workshops,Presentations and Consultations for Young Men and YouthServing Organizations Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.10 Moving forward Anger Management, domestic violence intervention, youth violence prevention ■ Anger Management Various times for 15-week groups for men, women and young men at the MRC. For more information, call (413) 253-9887 ext. 23 ■ Domestic Violence Intervention A state-certified batterer intervention prog ram serves both voluntary and courtmandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies available. ■ Basic Groups Groups for self-referred and court-mandated men (40 weeks) are held in Amherst, Athol, Belchertown, Springfield, and Greenfield.

■ Follow-up Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue working on these issues are available in Northampton, Greenfield and Amherst. ■ Partner Services Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program. ■ Prison Groups A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections. ■ Community Education and Training Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available. ■ Speakers’ Bureau Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs. ■ Youth Violence Prevention Services for teenage males who have been abusive with their families, peers, or dating partners. Contact: (413) 253-9588 ext.18 Workshops & training ■ Workshops available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as “Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response,” “Strategies and Skills for Educating Men,” “Building Men’s Community,” and “Challenging Homophobia,” among other topics. Specific trainings and consultations also available. Publications ■ Voice Male Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includesarticles,essays,reviewsandresources, and services related to men and masculinity. ■Children,LesbiansandMen:Men’sExperiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors A 60-page manual which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women “who have been there.” Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.16 Resource & Referral Services ■ Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, and support programs for men. Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.10

SPRING 2006 •

The mission of the Men’s Resource Center for Change is to support men, challenge men’s violence, and develop men’s leadership in ending oppression in our lives our families and our communities.

Support Group Programs ■ Open Men’s Group Sundays 7-9 p.m. at the MRC Amherst office Tuesdays 6:45-8:45 p.m. at the Council on Aging, 240 Main St., Northampton. Wednesdays 7-9 p.m. in Greenfield at Network Chiropractic, 21 Mohawk Trail (lower Main St.). A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other. ■ Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Abuse /Neglect Specifically for men who have experienced any kind of childhood abuse or neglect. Fridays 7 - 8:30 p.m. at the MRC. ■ Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Mondays 7 - 9 p.m. at the MRC. A facilitated drop-in group for gay, bisexual and questioning men to talk about their lives and support each other (not a discussion group). ■ GBQ Schmoozefest Events Seasonal events with catered food, art and music, opportunities for interacting with GBQ men and other men who love men from Springfield to Brattleboro and beyond.

Fathers & Families Field Day

Moms, Mentors, families of all kinds welcome!

June 17 Groff Park Amherst, Mass. Rain or Shine!

free!

Join the Men’s Resource Center for Change in a pre-Father’s Day celebration of dads and father figures. The Field Day will feature games for adults and children to play together, free bag lunches, and a chance to spend the afternoon celebrating healthy and happy families. Info: www.mrcforchange.org gcraig@mrcforchange.org, 413-253-9887 ext.16

Men’s Resource Center for Change