Voice Male Winter 2006

N e w Vi s i o n s o f M a n h o o d

Voice Male The Magazine of The Men’s Resource Center for change

Can We Support Fathers and Couples?

INSIDE: The Army Guy and the Hippie Chick l

Discovering Fatherhood as a Gay Stepdad l

Saying Goodbye to “Mr. Mom” l

The Color of Love

Winter 2006

F rom T he E ditor • V oice M ale 2

Compassionate Confrontation: A Model for Reaching Men

By Rob Okun

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ever has the voice and message of Voice Male’s publisher, the Men’s Resource Center for Change (MRC), been more needed than it is today. With the drumbeat of war still a loud and persistent part of each of our lives, the relationship between how boys and young men are socialized and the narrow, dangerous effects that training has on us cannot be overstated. From the misogyny and violence in some hip-hop lyrics to key male government officials sanctioning torture, it is clear that work with men needs as many friends and supporters as ever.

In November I was privileged to join six staff from the MRC in Detroit, where 550 other men and women—leaders in domestic violence prevention working in 40 states and several countries— gathered for the first national conference on batterer intervention in more than a decade. MRC staff presented two key workshops, and it was powerful to see how those present—from Oregon and Minnesota, Florida and Texas, California and New York—responded to the unique model of working with men that this magazine and its publisher have long championed.

There was a palpable energy in the workshops, where 100 people each crowded in, first to hear about the quiet, enduring strength of the MRC model program for the female partners of men in the center’s batterer intervention groups. Pioneered 13 years ago, these groups sensitively and comprehensively support women dealing with the reality of their partners’ abuse. Next, participants learned about MRC followup groups, after care, for men who have gone through the basic 40-week program the MRC began offering in 1989.

Voice Male has long reported on the

“Key to our understanding of working with men are these simultaneous truths: Most men are not violent and Most violence is perpetrated by men. It is in the exquisite tension between these twin realities that you’ll find the Men’s Resource Center for Change and Voice Male magazine.”

Men’s Resource Center approach to domestic violence work, called “compassionate confrontation.” It is powerful because of one simple, profound truth: We believe in men.That might sound like a colossal contradiction considering the crisis in masculinity we now face. But that belief actually offers a way to open the door to change for any man willing to turn the handle.

There are two undeniable, stark, and simultaneous truths that are key to our understanding of working with men: MostmenarenotviolentandMostviolence is perpetrated by men. It is in the exquisite tension that exists between these twin realities that you’ll find the Men’s Resource Center for Change and Voice Male magazine. It is where we work the fertile ground of possibility, of personal and social transformation—ground the center has been cultivating for nearly a quarter century.

Voice Male and the MRC believe in men’s potential to change. In men’s ability to grow. In men’s desire to heal.

In men’s capacity to do the right thing.

Holding these beliefs doesn’t mean hesitating, even for a minute, to hold men accountable for their behavior. Of course men must be held accountable. But the compassionate confrontation model offers a portal through which motivated men can enter. If they choose to, they can then begin the arduous work of selfinquiry, personal inventory-taking and, ultimately, reparative actions—trying to make right what they have made terribly wrong. It is challenging work.

At this dark time of the year, I am buoyed by the connection Voice Male has with its readers—people like you. It is heartening to appreciate that connection as we turn toward the light. In the coming year, look to the magazine to deepen its commitment to reporting on activities highlighting men’s collaborations with women as we work to create harmony in the home and in our world.

Look to us to train our sights more sharply on new visions of manhood and fatherhood. At the same time we will continue to report about younger males as they try to make the journey to manhood a healthy one.

We welcome you to join us. Please consider helping Voice Male and the Men’s Resource Center for Change to grow. Subscribe or renew. Get a gift subscription for your local library, your brother, son, father, or uncle. (Don’t forget the women in your life, too!) You can make a tax-deductible contribution to the MRC online (just click on “Donate Now” on our home page— www.mrcforchange.org). Or you can send a subscription check or contribution to Voice Male at: MRC for Change, 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002. Thanks.

May the new year be filled with peace for you and yours. VM

VoiceMaleeditorRobOkuncanbereached at raokun@mrcforchange.org.

Table of Contents Features The Army Guy and the Hippie Chick . . . . . . . 8

By Leia Hlustick Going to the Group: 10 Years Later . . . . . . 10

By Michael Burke Supporting Fathers, Supporting Couples . . 12

By Haji Shearer My Pink Helmet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13

By Pip Cornall

Voice Male

Columns & Opinion From the Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 Men @ Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 Color Lines . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 People of Color, and the Color of Love

By César J. Alvarado Men Overcoming Depression . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Why I Relearned How to Meditate

By Tim Gordon Fathering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 Saying Goodbye to “Mr. Mom”

By Donald N.S. Unger Voices of Youth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 “Being Here” Is Not Enough

By Aaron Buford OutLines . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 Discovering Fatherhood as a Gay Stepdad

By Doug Arey GBQ Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Calendar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Thank You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 MRC Programs & Services . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27

Masculinity redefined...New visions of manhood...

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VOICE MALE is published quarterly by the Men’s Resource Center for Change, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002. It is mailed to donors and subscribers in the U.S., Canada, and overseas and distributed at select locations around New England.

The opinions expressed in VOICE MALE may not represent the views of all staff, board, volunteers, or members of the Men’s Resource Center for Change.

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3

M en @ W ork Teens Act Out Against Dating Violence

can be detected by the human nose, and if so, whether they have any influence on our own social behavior.” In the meantime, some straight guys are hesitating a little longer before laundering their postworkout stinky tees.

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group of Boston-area teens started acting out last summer—in a positive way.

Young men and women interning with Close to Home, a domestic violence prevention initiative based in Dorchester, Mass., formed a community show called “Acting Out Against Teen Dating Violence” (AOATDV), in which they performed skits that dramatized everyday examples of dating violence and other inappropriate behaviors that often occur in teenage relationships.

Members of the Close to Home Youth Team portrayed young people trading insults and hurtful jokes, and a young man coming on too strong and making his date uncomfortable. In one skit, a teen witnessed a friend verbally abusing his girlfriend and responded, “Man, the way you’re treating your girl’s not cool.” The show’s message featured ideas of accountability, speaking out against wrongs, and giving support and consolation to friends who have been hurt.

After the performance, audience members were able to discuss the issues raised and talk about what they could do in their own lives to respond to and prevent dating violence—an issue that may be more prevalent than is commonly believed. One statistic reports that as many as 40 percent of teenage girls age 14 to 17 know a peer who has been or is in a physically abusive relationship.

At present, the Close to Home Youth Team is recruiting new members and continuing to educate locally about teen dating violence. Plans are in the works for community trainings on dating violence issues, and the group will begin publishing Teen Life, a newsletter for teens about dating violence.

For more information on these efforts and about Close to Home, visit www. c2home.org.

Threatened Males Support War, Desire SUVs

A Stinky T-shirts as an Aphrodisiac?

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n a sexual attraction level, just how do straight women respond to men’s smell? Claus Wedekind, a zoologist at Bern University in Switzerland, a decade ago conducted what’s become known as the “stinky T-shirt study.”

Wedekind had 44 men each wear a Tshirt for two nights straight, then tested how women reacted to the smelly shirts.

Women preferred the scent of men whose immune systems were unlike their own. If a man’s immune system was similar, a woman tended to describe his T-shirt as smelling like her father or brother.

As you might expect, to capitalize on the study, companies have developed pheromone-based perfumes and colognes, with promises of increased sexual attraction. Researchers don’t agree on their effectiveness. More research is needed to figure out how and to what extent a woman’s nose leads her to sex, and how adept she is at picking a health partner.

“We cannot rule out that other parts of the human nose are able to detect the peptides,” said Frank Zufall, of the University of Maryland’s School of Medicine.“We can now ask whether these peptides are present in human secretions such as sweat and saliva, whether they

researcher from Cornell Univer-sity has found that if you threaten men’s masculinity, they may react by assuming more hypermasculine attitudes.

Robb Willer, a doctoral candidate in sociology, surveyed 111 male and female Cornell undergraduates about their ideas around gender identity. Participants were then randomly given feedback that their responses indicated either a “masculine” or “feminine” identity. While women’s responses remained unchanged regardless of the feedback they received, men’s reactions “were strongly affected by this feedback,” according to Willer.

“I found that if you made men more insecure about their masculinity, they displayed more homophobic attitudes, tended to support the Iraq War more, and would be more willing to purchase an SUV over another type of vehicle,” Willer said. “Masculinity-threatened men also reported feeling more ashamed, guilty, upset and hostile than did masculinity-confirmed men.” Willer calls males’ reactions to such feedback “masculine overcompensation.”

Willer questioned participants about their political attitudes, such as how they felt about same-sex marriagebansand whether they suppor ted President Bush’s handling of the Iraq War. In a separate study, Willer was able to verify that support for the war, homophobia, and interest in buying an SUV were all considered “masculine” positions by study participants. continued on page 6

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Fee: $230–$280 (sliding scale), includes materials. Both men and women welcome.

Contact Karen at (978) 544-3844 or karenmf@mindspring.com

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5

M en @ W ork

Men @ Work continued from page 4

A report based on Willer’s study, “Overdoing Gender:Testing the Masculine Overcompensation Thesis,” was presented to the 100th annual meeting of the American Sociological Association, held in Philadelphia in August. Willer plans to conduct further research into participants, attitudesonviolenceagainstwomen,using the same method of manipulating masculine insecurity.

Stop Violence Against Women

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s Voice Male went to press, the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives voted to reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). The Senate passed VAWA on December 16 by unanimous consent, while the House passed the bill the following day by voice vote. VAWA was then set to go to President Bush for his signature.

Activist organizations had been scrambling to mobilize support for VAWA and to ensure that legislators included the maximum of protections contained in the original legislation when crafting a final bill.

On October 4, the Senate voted to reauthorize VAWA (S. 1197) by unanimous consent. Meanwhile on September 28, the House had voted for a separate piece of legislation,aDepartmentofJusticereauthorization bill (H. 3402) incorporating several VAWA provisions. The two bills then went to a House-Senate conference where the differences between them were sorted out and one bill produced to be voted on by both houses of Congress.

Originally passed in 1994, VAWA has provided resources and protections for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. VAWA programs include training for police, prosecutors, and court officials in dealing with women who are victims of violence, particularly domestic violence, dating violence, rape, assault, and stalking.

The law expired in September and thus must be reauthorized by Congress.

For more information about VAWA and for legislative updates and suggestions for action, visit the website of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, www. ncadv.org, or go to the National Task Force toEndSexualandDomesticViolenceAgainst Women’s site, www.vawa2005.org. VM

Loneliness Can Break Men’s Hearts

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recent medical study shows that men who are isolated and lonely, without close friends or family, may be more prone to heart disease.

The study, presented by Dr. Eric Loucks of the Harvard School of Public Health to a recent meeting of the American Heart Association, found that men who are socially isolated tended to have elevated levels of a blood protein called interleukin-6 (IL-6), which is a risk factor for heart disease.

U.S. researchers led by Dr. Loucks studied 3,267 American men and women, with an average age of 62, who were part of the Framingham Heart Study, begun in 1948 to identify factors or characteristics that contribute to cardiovascular disease.

Participants in the study were given physical examinations and also asked questions about their social lives. They were then assigned a “social network score” of 1 to 4, with 1 being most isolated and 4 being most connected. Men with a score of 1 were found to have an average level of IL-6 of 3.85 picograms per millileter of blood, while men with a score of 4 had an average level of 3.52 picograms.

“Our analyses suggest that it may be good for the heart to be connected,”said Dr. Loucks. “In general, it seems to be good for health to have close friends and family, to be connected to community groups or religious organizations, and to have a close partner.”

Interestingly, the high levels of IL-6 were not also found in socially isolated women—a finding that Loucks and other researchers posit may be due to the different ways in which men and women experience social relationships in general.

Loucks’s study looked at the quantity of relationships each subject had, and didn’t delve into the quality of those relationships.

Both Loucks’s team and British heart researchers say that men who are socially isolated tend to be less active, more likely to smoke, and more likely to be depressed and to suffer from anxiety—all factors that may cause increases in IL-6, and may contribute to heart disease.

Sunshine Promotes Prostate Health?

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hile spending more time in the sun may increase your risk of skin cancer, it might be helping your prostate, according to a recent study.

A research team led by Dr. Esther John of the Northern California Cancer Center found that men with high sun exposure actually had half the risk of prostate cancer of men with low sun exposure. And in men with certain gene variants, the risk was reduced as much as 65 percent.

“Webelievethatsunlighthelpstoreducetheriskofprostatecancerbecausethebody manufactures the active form of vitamin D from exposure to sunlight,” said Dr. John.

The results of the study appeared in the June 15, 2005, issue of Cancer Research.

Another researcher involved in the study, Dr. Gary G. Schwartz of the Comprehensive Cancer Center at Wake Forest University, has previously found that the prostate uses vitamin D to promote the normal growth of prostate cells and to inhibit the invasiveness and spread of prostate cancer to the rest of the body.

Researchers stress that sunlight is not the only source of vitamin D and that men should not take up sunbathing as a means of reducing their risk of prostate cancer, since baking in the sun increases the risk of sun-induced skin cancer, especially melanoma. So while increasing sun exposure moderately, within limits, may be a good thing, taking a vitamin D supplement may be even safer, especially if you have a history or family history of skin cancer.

A Gift of Hope.

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All Proceeds from Calendar sales will benefit the Men’s Resource Center for Change.

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Stunning photographs of the natural beauty of western Massachusetts. Inspiring quotations by voices for peace— Nelson Mandela, Howard Zinn, Gandhi, and more. Created and produced by photographer Charlie Hertan.

Send checks to: MRC Calendar, 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002 Order online at: www.mrcforchange.org.

For information, contact Gretchen Craig at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 16; gcraig@mrcforchange.org.

Thank You! A number of generous businesses and professionals sponsored the 2005 Men’s Walk to End Abuse, which raised more than $6,000 for the domestic violence prevention program of the Men’s Resource Center for Change, as well as for five women’s organizations in the Pioneer Valley.

Berkshire Bank • Freedom Credit Union • Green Fields Market Special Thanks to Senator Edward Kennedy Steven Botkin, Ed.D. • Margaret T. Cowen, L.I.C.S.W. • Colleen Currie, Esq. Gary Gruber, Esq. • The Law Office of Katz, Sasson, Hoose & Turnbull Leah Kunkel, Esq. • John Lentz, P.A. • Merry Nasser, Esq. • Mark Nickerson, L.I.C.S.W. Victoria Pillard, M.D. • Melanie S. Rose, M.S.W., L.I.C.S.W. Reed Schimmelfing, L.I.C.S.W. • Kayla Solomon, L.I.C.S.W. Robert Weitzman, M.D. • G. Dean Zimmerman, L.I.C.S.W. In-kind gifts provided by: Henion Bakery, Peterson Productions DJ

F

iveCollegeprofessor,vivacious,thoughtful, extensive experience with children, homeowner, lesbian seeking Amherst/ Northampton, Mass., area man to conceive and raise a child together.

You must be a good communicator, politicallyprogressive,financiallystable,attentive, intelligent, have a sense of humor, and value a good education.

Time is of the essence so you must be ready to engage expeditiously in the process of determining whether or not you and she are compatible in terms of the myriad details involved in this kind of arrangement.

For more information contact: Jenifer at Alternative Family Matters at (617) 576-6788 or jenifer@alternativefamilies.org

Alternative Family Matters www.alternativefamilies.org

W inter 2006 •

Additional thanks to supporting organizations: The Men’s Project at Amherst College • Baystate Health System and its Family Advocacy Center The Boys and Girls Club of Chicopee • Everywoman’s Center The Greenfield Mayor’s Domestic Violence Task Force The Holyoke Peace Initiative • Northampton Domestic Violence Free Zone • Safe Passage Womanshelter/Compañeras • The Zonta Club of Northampton

Seeking Donor Co-parent

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Love,War,andPolitics THE

Army Guy

&Hippie AND

Chick

Photo by Allan Arnaboldi

the

By Leia Hlustick

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s a feminist working for social justice—or as my boyfriend likes to call me, a “hippie chick”—dating an army guy has not been easy. I have always been against the military and war, holding strong prejudices against those serving, so I never expected to fall in love with a military policeman in the Rhode Island National Guard, let alone be in a relationship with him going on four years now.

When Matthew was deployed in February of 2003, eventually serving in Iraq, I had to take action—mainly by educating myself and attending demonstrations and events about the war and those serving. He has been patient, supportive, and understanding with me while trying to break through my prejudice, and has given his perspective as a guardsman on many vital issues we all face in this time of war. He understood how hard it was for me to see him off the day he was deployed, and even to be present the day he returned (15 months later) due to my anger and resentment for the military. Over the years I have

“My “army guy” has stopped attending drill and is resisting. I am so proud of him. That is what I would define as being a “real man”: taking a stand against what you know to be wrong and having the sense to search for the truth.” learned that those who serve in the armed forces are not terrible people, but people who in their hearts are trying to do the right thing by defending our freedoms and our people. Of course, as many of us have seen, they are too often misled and manipulated by the government to promote its own agendas, not the people’s. This is a painful fact far too many Americans have to deal with, and at some point many realize it after it is too late.

Matthew and I are from different backgrounds: he grew up in a working-class family and in the areas of Providence, R.I., notorious for crime and shootings.

I was raised comfortably, in a lowermiddle-class family in the little town of Uxbridge, Mass., sheltered from the outside world. He came into the military after high school, looking for focus and the opportunity to get an education and work experience, since at the time he wanted to join the FBI. He says he knew even then, more or less, that he was being lied to by the military, but prefers to think of it as having made a “mistake” rather than being a “victim.”

While Matthew was in Iraq we did not communicate often, but we would have political discussions, being careful not to say too much, since calls are often monitored or recorded. It was a painful and difficult ordeal, and when he returned, our conversations touched on many issues, and he was able to see more and more how he was lied to and began to question his role in the war.

He has always wanted to serve justice, but found that justice and law have

Defining Manhood in 2005 A Young Woman Speaks Out “

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hat it means to be a man” in 2005 is very different from a healthy definition of manhood. I see that men are expected to be even more in tune with the dominant values of patriarchal culture in this country than at any time in the past few years leading up to 9/11 and the war in Iraq.

Although men in general are pressured to be “masculine” in a perverse and dangerous sense in America, at this time of war men are also expected to prove their manhood by taking up arms and killing civilians to further the reach of American empire. They are expected to be more aggressive, even at the expense of rationality, and to play the role of the self-righteous dominator. In the military especially, the objectification, disrespect, and exploitation of women is accepted and encouraged.

Men must be patriotic in supporting our government’s actions without question or a second thought.

This call to “defend” America targets men’s desire to be protectors and heroes, and completely exploits it. I see it in the new recruitment advertisements on television and radio. These ads especially target racial minorities and working-class men, often depicting a man of color from a lower-class background trying to convince his parents that joining the military will ensure he will have job opportunities, education, and success; that he will finally get focused and make something of himself, and of course he will have a sense of pride and accomplishment as a man. It is an aggressive use of disadvantage to get low-income men and minorities into a mindset in which they are willing to “give it all” for the rich ruling class to become part of the war machine.

Matthew tries to balance his views of how our militarized culture defines manhood by assimilating what he agrees with and ignoring what he does not. He said, “I take masculinity in a more classical sense, but with a modern twist. Chivalry and equality, as Leia put it. I want to be the ‘good guy,’ but if it’s at her expense then it would ultimately be self-defeating. Thus, only by setting ourselves on an equal footing can I be as good as I can possibly be.”

—Leia Hlustick

details.”I am against capital punishment because I see it as racist and classist. He says, “I support the concept of capital punishment, but I believe the U.S. legal system needs a major overhaul for it to work properly.” He thinks the system still works without discrimination most of the time. I often bring up the way he can see things due to white and male privilege—that so much we see as “normal” is just societally constructed and reinforced by the dominant culture. I once heard that a fish in water never notices it, because it is always immersed in it; in the same way, we do not see the reality of inequality in our culture because from birth we are so immersed in it.

So how do Matthew and I even get along with opposing views on such vital

issues? We agree to disagree, and more important, we keep an open mind to each other and try to learn from each other, something people do not always do when polarized on issues. I feel with enough accurate information he will see the truth that I have had to search so hard for, and he is willing to be challenged, as am I. And, if that doesn’t work, there’s always make-up sex. VM Leia Hlustick is a senior at the University ofMassachusetts,Amherst,double-majoring in cultural anthropology and social thought and political economy (STPEC).

She is an Amherst town meeting member, works in the Office of ALANA (Asian/ Pacific Islander, Latino/a, African, Native American) Affairs at UMass, and will pursue a career in social justice and advocacy.

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little to do with one another. He once told me, “I swore an oath to defend the Constitution from all enemies, both foreign and domestic; and George [Bush] is coming awfully close to being and enemy.” I saw the conflict in him—wanting nothing more than to do the honorable thing, knowing that he could not in his position.

Over the past two years his perspectives have changed significantly; he and I even attended a GI Rights training hosted by the American Friends Service Committee, where he got legal advice.

At this point he is not a conscientious objector because he doesn’t oppose war entirely—just the way this one is being conducted and its soldiers used. But he has stopped attending drill and is resisting. I am so proud of him. That is what I would define as being a “real man”: taking a stand against what you know to be wrong and having the sense to search for the truth.

Since we are from such different backgrounds with such different experiences, we have opposing views on many issues.

Needless to say, debate is a constant in our relationship. I have begun to win him over in some respects, by extending to him what I know of the truth of this nation’s history and its role in the world.

When it comes to our government, and war and peace in our society, I believe in direct democracy and the principle that the people know what is best for them; Matthew disagrees. He believes“that it doesn’t matter what kind of government you have, if the people governing are good, the government will be good. If the governors are corrupt, so too will be the government. Basically, no matter how you do the job, you need the right person to do it. I prefer monarchy because it requires fewer of those right people, as well as a personal predilection for a strong central figure. I’m against anarchy because it takes only one jerk to screw it up for everyone.”

I am completely against war and he is not. I see it as nothing but legalized murder in which civilians suffer most for the agendas of the rich. He says, “I see war as neither necessary, nor as evil. Offensive or defensive, it’s all in the

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Going to the Group: 10 Years Later

By Michael Burke

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“I was inspired by the transparent honesty in the groups, the earnest struggling of these men. Some had seen war, some had been abused as chidren, some were fathers, some were divorced…they were men of all ages taking responsibility for their mistakes.”

Photo by Tim Gordon

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ot long ago, in a men’s group I was facilitating a man said, with evident frustration, that he wished he could just make a concerted effort to work on himself, going to support groups and therapy for a finite period of time—say, two years—and then he’d be “done with it.” Problem solved, now let’s move on.

I could certainly relate to his impatience and desire for some definitive closure to his struggles, but I have to question the notion that one could make a two-year project out of personal growth, inner work, or emotional healing, and upon expiration of said time limit simply shake the dust off one’s shoes and say goodbye to all that, walking off into the sunset on the Road to Wellville.

We’d probably all sign on for that deal if we could, and maybe some can, but in my experience it doesn’t work that way.

What I said to this man and the rest of the group that night was inadequate: I’ve been coming to men’s groups for quite some time, have done some therapy and even trained to become a group facilitator, and still I find plenty of challenging issues to keep working on in my life.

So the bad news is, the work continues.

The good news is, the work continues.

Actually, for me it’s now just over 10 years since I first set foot in a men’s group at the Men’s Resource Center for Change (MRC) in Amherst, Mass. I think about the men I met in those first few groups and wonder what they saw when they looked at me: a confused, scared, often depressed guy who thought his marriage was coming apart, the sky was falling, and the world as he knew it might be coming to an end.

I almost didn’t get to that first group. I wanted to—I didn’t really know what a men’s group was, but something told me it was a door I needed to open—so when a therapist recommended the MRC groups,

The author, top left, with fellow support group facilitators Michael Dover, center, and Roger Stawasz.

I made up my mind to go. I was all set to take the bus downtown one Sunday night—then at the last minute I bailed.

Somehow I got up the courage to go the following week, and I was glad I did. Ten years later, I can’t imagine my life without “the group.”

I didn’t know what was expected: Was it really OK to be honest? Really honest?

Was it OK to actually be myself, in all the messiness of my confused life, my notknowing, my pain, my shame? To my relief and amazement, it was OK—I was heard, supported, and not judged.

And so were the other men who came, some dropping in and out occasionally, some coming just once, and some, like me, showing up week after week.

I was inspired by the transparent honesty,theearneststrugglingofsomeofthese men—particularly those older than I who

had “been through it.” Some had made lots of money, some had seen war, some had been abused as children, some were fathers, some were divorced, some had been with many women, some were gay or bisexual. In the groups I heard men of all agestakingresponsibilityfortheirmistakes, for their part in failed relationships, for absent or disconnected fathering, for lying, cheating, drinking excessively, acting abusively.Iheardmenowningtheirownfeelings and actions rather than blaming others. I heardmenacknowledgingtheirvulnerability, admittingtheyfeltscared,judged,shamed, lonely, sad, adrift, depressed.

These men’s courage, their willingness to crawl painfully toward the answers or at least, as Rilke put it, to “live the questions,” was a beacon for me, a torch that lit my stumbling way forward over many cold nights. Moreover, their acceptance of

continued on page 20

The Revolutionary Act of Sitting in a Support Group

BY MICHAEL DOVER

“

W

hy do the young die? Why does anybody die?” asks Anthony Quinn as Zorba in the 1964 film Zorba the Greek. “I don’t know,” answers Alan Bates as the young Englishman he works for.

“What’s the use of all your damn books?” demands Zorba. “If they don’t tell you that, what the hell do they tell you?”

“They tell me of the agony of men who can’t answer questions like yours.”

Not knowing. Not having the answers. Is this a masculine response? How do we rate as males if we admit we don’t know the answer?

Facilitating twice a month in one of the Men’s Resource Center for Change’s five weekly drop-in men’s support groups, I encounter the challenge of not knowing, not fixing, often. Our ground rules even remind participants that we’re not there to fix or give advice. I see men transforming the way they talk to each other about the issues they bring up. How do you give support without trying to solve the problem?

It’s something that many of us men have to learn as adults, usually by unlearning the well-conditioned problem-solving response. We have to let go of expectations that we know what to do, that our heads will deal with what our hearts are experiencing. We have to learn to sit with someone else’s pain, or our own, without rushing to find the path out of it.

It isn’t what we were trained to do. But every week, that’s what happens. Men sit in a circle, hear each other’s stories, share their own experiences, and just acknowledge their feelings. It’s something women are often schooled in doing, but for men it can be a whole new way of relating. Don’t just do something, the joke goes, sit there.

The miracle is, change happens. Men feel heard, they benefit from each other’s shared understanding. Nerve endings calm down. Those who speak and those who listen deepen their self-knowledge, strengthen their connection with each other.We deal with tough stuff: relationships in trouble or ending, illness and death of people dear to us, economic hardships and job struggles, and of course the residue of past hurts and trauma that won’t go away. (We share the good stuff too: new or newly enhanced relationships, joyful experiences, and just the daily bread of a healthy life.) Through it all we sit with each other and send the message: you’re not alone; we’re here with you and for you. And men go away feeling different from when they came in. The problems aren’t solved, but maybe the guys are a step further toward being able to cope with them.

Make no mistake: this is social change work. Every man who walks though our doors, sits in a support group for the first time, and learns what it’s like to speak honestly about his life, is a different man afterward. He has experienced a different way of relating to other men: not as competitors, not as critics, not as fixers, but as compatriots of the heart. If he keeps coming, perhaps he won’t tolerate the superficial or competitive way many men interact “out there” anymore. Maybe he’ll relate to his partner or children or parents differently. Perhaps he won’t accept old models of masculinity that say you’ve got to be on top of everything to be a “real” man. He might not be able to ignore sexist or homophobic remarks the way we’re“supposed to.” He might begin to model another way of being male that will be news to other men—and women—around him.

Gandhi said,“Be the change you want to see in the world.”Every week we give men five opportunities to be their own change. And then we sit and marvel at the results.

MichaelDoveristhedevelopmentdirectorandwebsitemanagerfortheMen’sResource Center for Change. He has facilitated men’s groups for a decade. He can be reached at mdover@mrcforchange.org.

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me and others—the gentle nods of understanding, the sharing of wisdom and hardearned experience, the absence of blame, the occasional wry “Well, it’s just another fuckinggrowthopportunity!”—helpedme to see that I was not alone, not crazy, nor any less of a man for feeling fear, inadequacy, sadness, shame. Many of these men—some of whom I still see today, some of whom moved on and whom I may never see again—truly gave me support and showed me kindness during that difficult time.

When I look back these 10 years past I see a personal journey: from floundering new participant in the groups, feeling isolated, scared, and unsure of himself, to a regularattendeewhowasstartingto“wake up” to the realities of his life and, just as important, to feel better and make friends; from a nervous facilitator trainee to a proud new member of the facilitation team; and finally to veteran facilitator.

But this journey was far from a linear one, and remains ongoing. There have been many bumps and swerves in the road, and I’m sure there will be more. There have been times when I felt burned out even by my minimal commitment to facilitate one or two groups a month. Sometimes, driving down to facilitate a group, I would ask myself why I was still doing it; then, as often as not, something would happen: a new man would show up in obvious pain, a connection would be made, and one or more men would show they really needed for the group to be in existence that night. They needed a place to come and be with other men, in a noncompetitive, nonjudgmental setting, to share and air their feelings and to be heard, listened to, supported. I know they’re grateful that the group is there for them that night, and I’m grateful too, because it reminds me what I’m doing there.

We’re called facilitators because we don’t “lead” or “run” the groups, we facilitate them. To me, this means allowing them to happen and unfold, not in a passive way, but by doing what is necessary—sometimes more, sometimes less—to make sure they are safe and that they flow and that every man in the group can be heard and be an equal member of the circle. It’s our job to “create the space” and help main-

11

The Next Frontier for Men’s Work

Supporting Fathers, Supporting Couples

By Haji Shearer

• V oice M ale 12

Photo courtesy of the author

I

’ve been a father since 1990 and have worked in the field of family support since 1993. “Family support” is a social work perspective that emphasizes the strengths in families. This is a significant improvement over the deficits-based thinking that prevailed through much of social work’s history. The deficits model tended to focus primarily on what’s “wrong” with a family. It’s likely that no single group of social work clients was hurt more by the deficits perspective than fathers.

This observation is based on the convergence of three factors. First is the tendency of some social workers to look down on any client; second is the fact that most social workers are women, who may be less likely to empathize with men than with women or children; and third is the reality that the male clients with whom social workers interact are generally not, shall we say, at the top of their game.

Early in my career working with families, I was inspired to specialize as an advocate for healthy father involvement. Many of the other professionals I worked with saw fathers more as a“problem”than as potential helpmates. And it’s true that many men we worked with were ineffective as partnersandparentsduetotheirsubstance abuse, inability to control violence and anger, or just plain ignorance of effective parenting and relationship skills.

Still, there remains a societal bias against men as parents. If a mother is a drug addict or violent with her children, the various professionals drawn into working with her family tend to focus on rehabilitation, helping the woman learn new skills that could increase her success. Too often, if a father is a drug addict or violent with his children or their mother, neither the first, nor second, nor third reaction of professionals is getting him treatment—the sole response is to separate the man from his family.

“The 1960s and ’70s gave us consciousness raising groups for women. The 1980s and ’90s were a time for men to come together to reflect, adjust, and evolve. Now this new millennium is poised to bring the two genders together to turbocharge the eternal quest for harmony between men and women.”

As a human being and a human service professional, I value the safety of individuals and families as the highest priority in any intervention. And let me be clear: there are obviously cases where a violent or addicted family member needs to be separated from his, or her, family. Because men are statistically at greater risk of family and communityviolencethanwomen,itmakes sense that professionals would be more cautious with fathers than with mothers in this regard. That being said, I think the social service systems often throw out the babywiththebathwater—especiallywhen the proverbial baby is an adult male.

The good news is that over the past decade, there has been a movement to include fathers more in family support.

Because of the greater prevalence of treatment programs specifically designed for men, today when fathers are violent or

addicted or lack parenting skills, there is more potential to see them as deserving of treatment—just like women presenting with the same behaviors.

Many treatment programs for men, whether dealing with addiction, violence, or parenting, now use what’s called the “psycho-educational group model”—in short, therapy groups. There is something powerful about being in a room with other men who are dealing with similar problems. Transformation often occurs when the isolation many men experience on a daily basis is interrupted. Knowing that others are going through difficulties similar to your own, and understand your plight, can be a liberating experience.

Support groups for fathers can be found throughout Massachusetts, the United States, and internationally. All types of continued on page 22

Men and Homophobia

My Pink Helmet

By Pip Cornall

I

had become so hardened. All too soon the size and intensity of the rapids demanded my full focus, so I gladly put the incident aside.

I made a point to look him up that evening when the meal was over and tried to build some rapport with him. We chatted for a while, but after a few probing questions from me it was clear that he would not say any more about the topic. Perhaps he was embarrassed by the anger of his response, or at the idea of exposing his attitudes in mixed company. For my part I wondered whether, if I had not been such a smart guy when he first taunted me, we might have had a better dialogue. My initial response had simply polarized us more. I had training in nonadversarial communication skills and could have gently learned more about his stance rather than making him wrong for his beliefs. I wondered about my smug political correctness, and regretted a missed opportunity for healing between two men whose emotional development had most likely been trashed during the long years in “male boot camp.”That could have been our common bond.

Even some of my friends who were river guides working for other companies could not restrain themselves from commenting on my pink helmet. Their comments were made in good humor, and simply reminded me that different cultures have different attitudes and traditions. One day I heard the words“G’day, Ponce”ring out across the river. The “G’day” greeting referred to my Australian identity, and “Ponce” was a reference to a gay man. I looked up and saw Lou, a guide I liked very much but one who took pains to promote a strong masculine image.

There is no doubt that pink clothing or equipment worn by men pushed some of my friends’homophobe buttons. I had been an outdoor skills instructor in Australia for years without hearing comments about the colors I wore. I wondered if homophobia

“There is no doubt that pink clothing or equipment worn by men pushed some of my friends’ homophobe buttons.” was bigger in the United States than in Australia, or whether it merely had a different emphasis.Whatever the case, these incidents illustrate men’s conformity to norms learned through male socialization.

WhileIunderstandthereasonsforthecommentsaboutmyattire,I’vealwaysthoughtthe wholemale-conformitythingwasrathersilly.

I mean, using the same logic, men would be prohibited from looking at sunsets or pink flowers because that would mean they were gay. And since nature contains every color known to man, could that mean God is gay?

It’s sad that a belief system would prevent a man from wearing a color he likes! I came to love my pink helmet and the opportunities it gave me to have some juicy discussions with complete strangers—and a chance to tease my American friends. Perhaps in the process, my pink helmet may even have helped a few men take some tentative steps toward gay equity and acceptance.

Sadly, however, I must report that my pink helmet is no more. When I recently returned to the United States after three years in Australia, I found the helmet had been stored too close to the heat of the garage roof and had split down the middle.

I called all the rafting shops trying to get another, but could not find any in pink.

So I have been borrowing helmets until I find another pink one. I know it’s out there, somewhere. VM Pip Cornall gives workshops in Australia and the United States on male gender issues. He alsoteachesyogaandisariverraftingguidein northernCaliforniaandsouthernOregon.You can visit his website, pipcornall.com.

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purchased a pink rafting helmet from a sporting goods store in Oregon when I first arrived in the United States. It was the only one left in my size. The salesperson seemed surprised that I would take it, and I remember saying nonchalantly that it was as good as any other color.

Many years later, my pink helmet has stories to tell. It has received more uninvited comments from strangers than I could ever have imagined. Hardly a day has gone by on the river without someone letting me know his opinion. Not surprisingly, all of these comments were from men.

We were on a two-raft overnight camping trip on the Upper Klamath River, along the California border. A man who was a client in another raft guided by my friend Bill called out to me in a mocking tone.

In a faux feminine voice, he said he liked my attire of purple shorts, purple life vest, and pink helmet, and then he held up his arms letting the wrists go limp in a gay simulation. Jokingly, but with a little sting behind my words, I called back that if he was homophobic I could have a chat with him at camp, since I taught classes in area schools for overcoming homophobia and could clue him in. He replied angrily that he was an ex-sheriff and that he shot gays!

Shocked by his harsh response, I pulled my raft away downriver to breathe and regroup my thoughts.

In the calmer sections of the river, I watched my mind running through numerousscenariosandpossibleresponses.Iwondered about the feelings of the 12 people in our two rafts. What if some of them were gay or had gay family members, as I did? I wanted to ask the man: If I were gay, would he have run the rapids with me? Would he want to shoot my gay family member? Was he really dangerous, or literally just shooting his mouth off? However, I did not at the time reflect on his fear and pain or how he

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C olor L ines • V oice M ale 14

People of Color, and the Color of Love

By César J. Alvarado

I

magine you are in the Deep South; the year is 1913. While walking into an old public building in search of water you see two water fountains. Above one, the cleaner one, a bold sign states, WHITES ONLY. Above the other, a sign says, COLORED ONLY. Which one can you use? Which one do you use?

The Jim Crow era fountain picture came to mind when I first heard the term “people of color” at a family violence conference. Now, it keeps popping up again and again every time I hear that phrase.

I have worked in the progressive movementtoendmen’sviolenceagainstwomen and children in several parts of the country. I have been and continue to be a part of various grassroots organizations and institutions in the forefront of the movement. My work has blessed me with the opportunity to have deep conversations with all kinds of people—about domestic violence, sexual assault, the nature of oppression, and other topics. These profound conversations have been with women, men, teens, Christians, atheists, Muslims, gays, transgenders, heterosexuals—people from various ethnicities, and an assortment of others.

I believe the last-named identifier, ethnicity, is the key when speaking about the term “people of color.” Personally, I identify as a young Chicano on a spiritual path. I also identify as a poet, partner, son, brother, Tejano, friend, and the list could go on. If you challenge yourself to think about your own identity, you can more than likely come up with at least 14 terms. Sadly, the term “people of color” only focuses on one part of me, the color of my skin.

During the conversations mentioned above, I have spoken with others about the term. Many of them are as uncomfortable with it as I am. Some told me they

“Using the term ‘people of color’ seems like a step backward into the Jim Crow era of ‘colored people.’

Does anybody know the difference between colored people and people of color?” hesitate when they hear it, and stutter ever so slightly when they use it themselves.

The term is easy and lazy. An Anglo American who chooses to use the term can lump all “others” into this category.

How convenient for them: not only are we being oppressed time after time by an Anglo American–controlled world, but we are also placed in the “non–Anglo American” category so effortlessly. This term and others are thus vital tools of oppression. Furthermore, using the term “people of color” seems like an uncomfortable step backward into the Jim Crow era of “colored people.” Does anybody knowthedifferencebetweencoloredpeople and people of color? If you sincerely want to get in touch with me and other Latinos, Africans, Asians, Natives, Jews, and so forth, you have to know who we are, not only who we have been. More important, please do not categorize us as who we are not—as not Anglo American, or in other words, not “white.”

All of us have color. White is a color just like brown, black, and the other hues. Surprise, my Anglo American colleague! You are a person of color. Besides, what about my sisters and brothers in the movement who are light-skinned? Where do they belong? I have heard them talking about struggling with being a lightskinned person of color in a people of color group. Should they be ostracized because they are not dark enough? Or on the other hand, are they accepted into better positions because of their light skin?

Some of you may be saying, “What about the People of Color Institute, the Women of Color Network, and similar groups?” Others may be thinking, “What are we supposed to be called, then, or what do we call you?” Great! Let’s ask each other and converse. However, please think about who you really are and who you want to be. Do you want to be a color—some-thing—or do you want to be celebrated as some-one?

I truly believe that we want and need to do better. We can gently demand that we be portrayed as the wonderful, complex beings that we are and resist being defined only by our color, whatever that color may be.

Ultimately, I am hoping this article will spark discussion about the use of the term “people of color” both in and around the movement to end men’s violence and beyond. Will the women who lead us please chime in? And the men who read this? The grassroots are growing and sending you a message. Do you want to have this discussion with us? I am confident the movement will reach out welcoming arms to those of us who know they are more than a “colored person” drinking from one water fountain or the other. Let us all drink from the same fountain … the color of love. VM César J. Alvarado is an advocate, survivor, and consultant who can be reached atcesarjalvarado@yahoo.comor(956)7878066.

Seeing Clearly

Why I Relearned How to Meditate

E

“My depression does not yield to once-a-week therapy sessions or the clever analysis of self-help books.

I need a practice, a program I can work on daily.” ness cut deeply. I thought then that if I only read, talked, emoted more, my depression would lift. I was wrong— and thus I became increasingly mired in dejection and despair even as I did the things you are supposed to do to treat depression. So while therapy, reading, and groups all have their place, my depression does not yield to once-a-week therapy sessions or the clever analysis contained in any of the many self-help books on my shelves.

I need a practice, a program I can work on daily, not another book explaining yet again the origins of my depression.

Earlier in my life I lived and practiced

meditation in a Zen Buddhist center. I had hoped then that meditation would free me from depression, but I found instead that working with koans, the meat of Zen practice, led me only to greater self-torment and self-judgment.

The hours spent on the meditation cushion provided ample opportunity for berating myself for failing to loosen depression’s hold, and my internal critic had a field day.

More recently, I decided to give meditation another try in a different venue: the Cambridge (Mass.) Insight Meditation Center. Instead of koans, dogma, and scriptures, there is in many Vipassana (Pali: ‘insight’) Buddhist centers like CIMC an emphasis on finding out for yourself what works—on looking carefully, attending to whatever practice you adopt to see if it brings greater freedom. In the end, this is all that matters in Buddhism: freedom.

As I began to investigate Vipassana’s primary teaching—the value of seeing/ hearing/feeling experiences minute by minute with clarity—I attended a lecture at CIMC in which a book entitled Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) for Depression was mentioned.

Given my disinclination to read more depression books, I was wary, to say the least. But this book helped me to distinguish between reading for intellectual understanding and reading as a tool for gaining direction and traction on a path. In the latter case, reading is only a first step pointing the way. With the direction and some concrete steps in mind, the real work begins: the daily practice and commitment to the course outlined in the book. Although this sounds basic, it was relatively unexplored territory for me; I have spent my life reading books like a beleaguered continued on page 21

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ven if the events of my life were to conform to the rosy-hued, Hollywoodstyle success story formula, and I could describe how, after a virtuous and noble struggle, I overcame my chronic depression— even if this were true, which it’s not, I wouldn’t waste your time by relating My Seven Secrets to Beating Depression.

The truth of my relationship with depression is messier and more difficult to characterize, and besides, such soapbox sermons already abound in the self-help aisles of your local bookseller.

Truth be told, in working with my own depression I have read some of these books, as well as others by mental health professionals, providing a multitude of explanations of and treatments for this disease. I have also participated in numerous types of psychotherapy and taken antidepressants and various other pharmaceuticals. I joined a closed men’s group, was a drop-in support group regular, and later facilitated groups at the Men’s Resource Center for Change, which I still do; any of the men who have known me in those settings could tell you (if they weren’t bound by our confidentiality rule) that depression figured prominently in my thoughts and struggles. All these“treatment modalities” have been useful at various times, but I’ve always looked for something more.

On one hand, when I plummeted into a brutal depression nine years ago I found connection and companionship at the MRC support groups which helped to bridge the isolation that was smothering me; these groups were my lifeline. Still, what about the 166 hours a week when I wasn’t in a group? This is where the hopelessness and helpless-

M en O vercoming D epression

By Tim Gordon

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F athering • V oice M ale 16

It’s Time We Said Goodbye to “Mr. Mom”

By Donald N.S. Unger

I

spent the first few weeks of this school year attempting to coordinate one or more overlapping car pools. Quintessential parental work, to my mind: there are elements of scheduling and organization balanced—or thrown out of balance— by a rich broth of interpersonal issues, the fragile egos of both parents and children (and, of course, the coordinator) at the top of the list.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll confess here that I essentially failed. I am the Car Pool Czar no longer, my reign cut tragically short.

It was a fair fight, though—no sabotage, no dirty tricks. No one tried to get me to—oh, I don’t know—transport a llama, for example.

Not so lucky were the hapless fathers who appeared in the first (and perhaps last) five episodes of NBC’s summer reality show Meet Mr. Mom, in which mothers were whisked off to spa vacations so that the audience could see the kind of hilarity that ensues when men are put in charge of children. The dads had all kinds of curves thrown at them, including the addition of a llama and a goat to an impromptu kids’ party. Well, moms would all know what to do in that situation, wouldn’t they?

Andean moms, perhaps.

I don’t generally watch reality shows, so—personal and political prickliness to theside—whatwasparticularlyinteresting to me was the remarkable degree to which these shows were scripted. How much this was accomplished via editing versus how much was accomplished because the participants,viscerallyunderstandingtheir parts in the narrative arc, simply “knew their lines” by heart is an open question.

But know their lines they did.

The story in each episode is essentially the same: A large SUV zips through streets lined

“The moral that undergirds the show Meet Mr. Mom is that it would be irresponsible to ‘let’ men do more around the house, particularly with their children.”

The author with his daughter.

with McMansions, bearing down on two unsuspecting families. Their naïveté about what is soon to befall them is odd, given that we see and hear part of this from inside the target houses, which, along with their occupants, have been unobtrusively wired for sound and video transmission.

A muscular young man delivers a scroll to whoever answers the door. The families assemble for the reading: Mom has 15 minutes to pack and leave; Dad will be in charge of the house and the kids; the two fathers must compete for the title of “Mr. Mom.” Again, they all know their lines.

The mother looks smug and says, “He doesn’t know what he’s in for now.”

Sometimes she cries.

The father looks a little nervous, but keeps saying, “We’ll be fine.”

One of the kids moans, “We’re doomed.”

And they’re off!

The families compete in a variety of tasks, usually with serious time constraints on preparation: hold a garage sale, throw a sleepover party, cook a formal dinner for guests.

OK, that’s sort of reasonable—all legitimate parental activities, right? But the

garage sale is burdened by the presence of a cow; the llama and the goat show up for the party; and before dinner can be cooked and served, it turns out that the kitchen has been emptied not only of all food, but of plates, silverware, and cooking implements as well.

Not to worry: a madcap shopping spree at one of the show’s sponsors ensues, as the clock continues to count down.

A lot of this is I Love Lucy, more slapstick than reality, with men in the role of Lucy and Ethel struggling to keep up with the candy-making assembly line, stuffing chocolates in their mouths as it steadily cranks out of control.

It’s television, it’s funny, and so what?

But—and here comes the prickly politics again—it’s really the mothers who are being hurt here more than the fathers. I’m offended by this nonsense, but I’ll recover.

The moral that undergirds the show is that it would be irresponsible for women to “let” men do more around the house, particularly with their children.

At the end of each show, the fathers say one of two things—sometimes both—to show that they’ve learned an important continued on page 26

“Being Here” Is Not Enough

V oices

College as a Path to Social Justice

By Aaron Buford

of “It would be easy for me to see my education as paving the way to a more comfortable life for myself and be content with that.

But my education also presents me with an opportunity to make change—and I don’t have to wait until I graduate.” us the tools to become rich and famous, but we can also use the institution as an opportunity to stay in touch with reality, to analyze our experience in it objectively and to actively shape it. I’ve begun to think a lot about how I would like to shape that current reality. Critical for me and for other studentsofcolor—butalsoforeveryoneelseas well—is acquiring the understanding and the skills necessary to expose inequality, attack injustice, and fight against the social structures that diminish us all.

The changes that I seek are not superficial, but fundamental. They must be deeply rooted in the subconscious and in an understanding of what it means to be a scholar of African ancestry. Very often, we only speak about “white privilege,” and we fail to look at the overall hierarchy of privilege. In a country that outlawed literacy for African slaves and made quality education inaccessible for people of African descent, it is a privilege to reap the benefits that our ancestors dreamed of and died for. To disregard or fail to acknowledge collegiate involvement as an opportunity to promote social justice would be to repudiate and disrespectthesacrificesandaccomplishments of those who came before us. So for me, fundamental change is hardly guaranteed by achieving collegiate success. It requires that we use our success consciously as a stepping-stone toward a greater purpose.

I have been looking for ways to connect my learning to ongoing work for social justice. A recent challenge I have faced as the community service representative for continued on page 21

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man orientation (there were approximately 500 students, mostly white), many of my peers reported they were attending college to secure high-paying jobs. But for me, going to college has always meant a lot more than the pursuit of material comfort and security. I suspectit’sthesameformanyotherstudents of color as well. We’ve got other agendas.

And this leads me to wonder why race and class produce such different understandingsofthecollegeexperience.Ilearned about Gov. George Wallace blocking the entrance to the University of Alabama to prevent black students from registering for classes back in the 1960s. And I wonder if college doesn’t still represent another infamous color line that has been drawn, and that we have been dared to cross. Equal access to higher education has long been denied to people of color, and so by enrolling and succeeding in college we challenge that color barrier and come to perceive our achievementinmuchthesamewaythatwe respect and honor Rosa Parks for challenging segregation in public transportation.

For this reason, it is no wonder that many of us perceive being at college as being “activist” and as being “enough.”

It would be easy for me to see my education as paving the way to a more comfortable life for myself and be content with that.

But in my first semester at UMass I have learned that my education also presents me with an opportunity to make change.

And I don’t have to wait until I graduate—I can begin the work of change right now while I am learning about how to use my education later in life. College may give

Y outh

I

don’t remember who told me that being a black male in college is a noteworthy achievement in itself, and a significant contribution to the struggle against social inequality. But as I complete my first semester as a black male freshman at the University of Massachusetts–Amherst, I am growing uncomfortable with those (apparently) commonly held notions.

I am from Dayton, Ohio, where segregation is thoroughly enforced through racial profiling, unbalanced distribution of income, and uneven access to quality education. Against these seemingly insurmountable odds, I was fortunate to get the opportunity to leave such disparities.

In 2000, I was accepted into the Amherst, Massachusetts, A Better Chance Program (ABC), beginning my freshman year at Amherst Regional High School.

Needless to say, my experience was an “eye opener” because I lived in two very different communities and essentially formulated my own reality and how I chose to perceive the world around me. That was especially important because I later found that my perceptions and experiences had a profound influence as I traveled back and forth from school to home.

When a person of color achieves higher education or exceeds society’s low expectations, some presume that he or she is automatically part of the fight for social justice.

Thereisanunspokenbeliefamongstudents of color, it seems to me, that when our academicperformanceexceedswhatwhite society has labeled as“the norm for minorities,”and when we consider how hard it was for many of us to get here in the first place, we come to think of ourselves as de facto activists in the struggle for social justice.

It did not occur to me why students of color felt that way about higher education and activism until I began interacting with other incoming students. At my fresh-

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Discovering Fatherhood as a Gay Stepdad

• V oice M ale

O utlines • G ay & B isexual V oices

By Doug Arey

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hen I was in my 20s and dealing with my identity as a gay man for the first time in a serious way, one of the issues staring me in the face was the belief that being gay meant I would have to forgo the chance of ever becoming someone’s dad. I felt a lot of grief about this, and realized that many ideas I had about being a man had a Velcro-like attachment to the image of fatherhood. Letting go of that way of being a man seemed necessary at the time for me to form an acceptable new image for myself as a man who was gay.

Then, nine years ago, much to my surprise and delight, I met and fell in love with a man who had two beautiful teenage daughters from a marriage prior to his coming out. Through my work as a psychotherapist I have become acquainted with many gay men over the years who, like me, became involved with men who have children, and found themselves in stepparenting roles with their partner’s kids. I know from talking with them, and now from my own experience, how challenging, fulfilling, and oftentimes confusing this can be.

The first challenge I had to face was my ambivalence about revisiting what had seemed like a dead issue in the development of my sense of self.

Though my partner’s children did not live with him, he was very much involved in their lives, and therefore they were a big part of our lives together.

It felt strange to me to have the issue of fatherhood rise up again seemingly out of the ashes, suggesting that I undo all of my earlier grief work. It felt even stranger when I finally realized how different stepparenting was from being a parent, and had to let go of the fatherhood fantasies all over again.

“Though it’s very different from being a parent, my stepdad role allows me to be involved in the lives of two remarkable young women and to be regarded as a trusted, valued, respected older person and confidant. Most days I feel I got the better deal.”

What helped me most was accepting that I would not play a starring role in my stepdaughters’lives, and that I needed to focus instead on a hopeful nomination in the “best supporting actor” category.

So much of good stepparenting, I’ve come to appreciate, is supporting our partners to be the best parents they can be. Resisting the temptation to step in and be the authority—even when you think you know the right thing to say and do—was (and still is at times!) very hard. Agreeing instead to follow and not lead in matters involving the kids is humbling, but is the right thing to do, and for this stepdad it has led to lots of wonderful opportunities I never imagined possible. Though it’s very different from being their parent, my stepdad role allows me to be involved in the lives of these two remarkable young women and to be regarded as a trusted, valued, respected older person and confidant.

Most days I feel I got the better deal.

Trusting my partner and being willing to bow to his experience, I’ve found, is key. He had lots of history with his girls before I came into their family that informed his perspective and parental decision making. Though I’ve seen him do many things differently than I would have, I almost always in retrospect have come to appreciate the wisdom I saw in his approach with his girls. He knows them in ways I never have and never

will. Ultimately it has helped me deepen the respect, appreciation, and love I have for him to witness his gentle guidance, profound patience, tolerance, and sweet affection and consideration with them, even when I’ve had to observe it from across the room instead of next to them on the sofa. Knowing that I helped make it possible through my support of him to continue having those experiences with his daughters has been a great source of pride and accomplishment for me.

I think it’s tough for anyone who signs on as a stepparent for a host of reasons, only a few of which are unique to the gay stepdad. I was lucky not to have been the first man my stepdaughters were introduced to as the lover and partner to their dad. For guys who are the first man their partner’s kids meet to give a real face to their dad’s homosexuality, I wish you lots of patience, understanding, and personal strength, because you’ll need it to face the challenges ahead of you. For those of you who must interface with bigoted school officials, medical professionals, extended family members, and angry ex-wives in your attempt to help and show care for your stepchildren, my heart goes out to you. There are lots of good books on the topic of stepparenting that are very useful, even if they aren’t written with same-gender partners in mind. Healthy continued on page 26

For more info or to submit new entries for GBQ Resources contact us at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10 or voicemale@mrcforchange.org

AIDS Project of Southern Vermont Contact: (802) 254-4444. Free, confidential HIV/AIDS services, including support, prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities. T.H.E. Men’s Program (Total HIV Education) Contact: Alex Potter (802) 254-8263, Brattleboro, VT. Weekly/monthly social gatherings, workshops, and volunteer opportunities.

Email: eflash@sover.net Bereavement Group for Those Who Have Lost Same-Sex Partners For individuals who have lost a same-sex partner. 2nd Thursday of each month from 7-9 pm at the Forastiere Funeral Home, 220 Main St, E. Longmeadow, MA; year-round, walk-in group with no fee or pre-registration; bereavement newsletter also available.

For more information, call (413) 733-5311.

Continuum Support group for the gender variant/ transgender community. Goal: to provide support/ resources to individuals dealing with gender, and to provide a space where medical transition is not central. Meetings: third Tuesday of the month, at PrideZone in Northampton, from 7 - 9 p.m. For more information/directions contact Zane Barlow at (413) 221-5769 or email zane_Barlow@yahoo.com.

East Coast Female-to-Male Group Contact: Bet Powers (413) 584-7616, P.O. Box 60585 Florence, Northampton, MA 01062, betpower@yahoo.com. Peer support group open to all masculine-identified, female-born persons – FTMs, transmen of all sexual orientations/identities, crossdressers, stone butches, transgendered, transsexuals, non-op, pre-op, post-op, genderqueer, bi-gendered, questioning – and our significant others, family, and allies.Meetings 2nd Sundays in Northampton, 3-6 p.m.

Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Men’s Support Group Drop-in, peer-facilitated. Monday,

Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project Provides community education and direct services to gay, bisexual, and transgendered male victims and survivors of domestic violence. Business: (617) 354-6056. 24hour crisis line provides emotional support, safety planning, crisis counseling, referrals, and emergency housing: (800) 832-1901. www.gmdvp.org;email:support@gmdvp.org GLAD (Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders) Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders is New England’s leading legal rights organization dedicated to ending discrimination based on sexual orientation, HIV status and gender identity and expression.

Contact: 30 Winter St., Suite 800, Boston, MA 02108. Tel: (617) 426-1350, Fax: (617) 426-3594, gladlaw@glad.org, www.glad.org. Legal Information Hotline: (800) 455-GLAD (4523). GLAD’s Legal Information Hotline is completely confidential.

Trained volunteers work one-on-one with callers to provide legal information, support and referrals within New England.

Weekday afternoons, 1:30-4:30; English and Spanish.

GLASS (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Society) GLBT Youth Group of Franklin County Meets every Wednesday evening in Greenfield. Info: (413) 774-7028.

HIV Testing Hotline AIDS Action Committee in Boston provides referral to anonymous, free or low-cost HIV testing/counseling sites: (800) 750-2016.

For Hepatitis C information and referral: (888) 443-4372. Both lines are staffed M-F 9am-9pm and often have bi- and tri-lingual staff available.

Men’s Health Project Contact: Hutson Innis (413) 747-5144.

Education, prevention services, and counseling for men’s health issues, especially HIV/AIDS. Springfield, Northampton, Greenfield. Tapestry Health Services.

Monadnock Gay Men A website that provides a social support system for gay men of Keene and the entire Monadnock Regionl of southwestern NH. www.monadnockgaymen.com or email monadgay@aol.com

PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) of Springfield/ Greater Springfield Educational information and support for the parents, families, and friends of Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals, and Transgendered People. Contact info: 147 Porter Lake Drive, Springfield, MA 01106; (413) 5366373; email: erakousk@mtholyoke.edu Safe Homes: the Bridge of Central Massachusetts Providing support and services to gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender youth via a weekly Drop-In Center, community outreach system and peer leadership program. Based in Worcester, serving all towns in region. 4 Mann Street Worcester, Massachusetts 01602 Phone: 508.755.0333 Fax: 508.755.2191 Web: www.thebridgecm.org/programs.htm Email: info@thebridgecm.org SafeSpace SafeSpace provides information, support, referrals, and advocacy to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning (LGBTQQ) survivors of violence and offers education and outreach programs in the wider community. P.O. Box 158, Burlington, VT 05402. Phone: 1-802-8630003; toll-free 1-866-869-7341. Fax: 1-802863-0004. Email: info@safespacevt.org.

Website: www.safespacevt.org The Stonewall Center University of Mass., Amherst. A lesbian, bisexual, gay, and transgender educational resource center. Contact: (413) 545-4824, www.umass.edu/stonewall.

Straight Spouse Network Monthly support group meets in Northampton, MA, the first Tuesday from 6-8 p.m. For spouses, past and present, of lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered partners. Contact: Jane Harris for support and location, (413) 625-6636; aharris@valinet.com.

Confidentiality is assured.

The Sunshine Club Support and educational activities for transgendered persons. Info: (413) 586-5004.

P.O. Box 564, Hadley, MA 01305.

Email:av517@osfn.org,www.thesunshineclub.org.

VT M4M.net Dedicated to promoting the overall good health of Vermont’s gay and bisexual men, as well as those who are transgender, by providing information, resources, and a calendar of events for gay, bisexual, questioning, and transgendered men. www.vtm4m.net

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Free Boyz Northampton Social/support meetings for people labeled female at birth who feel that’s not an accurate description of who they are.

Meet 1st and 3rd Mondays, 7 p.m. at Third Wave Feminist Booksellers, 42 Green Street, Northampton.

7-9 p.m. Men’s Resource Center, 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA. For information: Allan Arnaboldi, (413) 253-9887, ext. 10.

GBQ R esources

AIDS CARE/Hampshire County Contact: (413) 586-8288. Buddy Program, transportation, support groups and much more free of charge to people living with HIV.

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Going to Group continued from page 11

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tain the atmosphere in which the group can come to life, and to make sure it’s a safe container for men’s feelings and that everyone’ssafety,confidentiality,andother boundaries are respected. We don’t quite wind it up and let it go, we don’t conduct it like a symphony orchestra, and we don’t hold tightly to the reins as we lash the group forward into the night. It partakes a little of all of those, and it’s not quite like any of them. On an average night, it’s a good and beautiful thing, and gives me a warm feeling when I go home. On an exceptional night, it’s magic.

But that magic comes from the combined energies and collective spirit of the group members, not primarily from us as facilitators. It’s well to remember that, lest we get delusions of grandeur, even when participants sometimes seem to look up to us or think we’re privy to some of “the answers” they haven’t found yet.

I believe we’re all on different paths, so it’s not for me to tell another man how he should “fix” his own life—and anyway, in the MRC groups one of the things we practice is not giving advice: a difficult feat for men, who are typically trained to “solve problems” and “fix what’s wrong.”

But men’s various paths have similarities, and it may be that I can share my own experience, for what it’s worth, and at least give that man something to ponder.

When I’m facilitating, more and more the feeling I get is not “There but for the grace of God go I,” but Wow, have I been there.

And the past time implied in that sentence might be years ago—or just yesterday.

I think the 2- or even 10-year plan of emotional healing is probably unworkable, and I’m not necessarily any more “enlightened” than a new guy who walks into a group off the street. I do know that I’m a different person from the one who first came to a group a decade ago. I know that I’ve grown a lot, learned a lot, made some close friends and connections and in the process reduced my isolation and vastly expanded my support system.

Overall, I’m a healthier, happier, betteradjusted guy than I was back then.

But what I wish I had told the man I mentioned at the beginning of this piece is that even with all that progress, even

with 10 years of groups under my belt, I still struggle on many a day with the same old demons: depression, loneliness, pessimism, feelings of inadequacy and shame, even despair. I’m aware of these issues, most of the time, but I’m definitely still working on them, both internally and in my relationships, which aren’t any easier for me than for anybody else. As a friend and fellow facilitator says, “You don’t ever really slay the dragon. You just put it back in its cave for a while.”

I’ve been blessed with a good marriage, a loving and supportive wife and family, and friends I trust and in whom I can confide. I’m still proud to be part of the facilitators’ team, and happy each month to be able to help a few men have a place

to come and be themselves, to share their lives and feelings without shame and without judgment, and without repercussions—like I did, and still do. My own life changed forever the night I braved the unknown and walked into my first men’s group, and I shudder to contemplate who or what or where (or if) I’d be without that precious resource. The changes have been many, some great and some small, and some I probably can’t see yet. Some, I hope, are still to come. VM MichaelBurkeisVoiceMale’smanagingeditor. For more information on MRC support programs,visitwww.mrcforchange.org,call Allan Arnaboldi at (413) 253-9887 ext. 10, or e-mail aarnaboldi@mrcforchange.org.

Voices of Youth continued from page 17

the Black Student Union at UMass has been getting more students on campus involved in the affairs of Black and Latino youth in the Amherst community. Our vision is to specifically target the local school system and address challenges young people face early in their education. It is in these early years that many students internalize the role of “minority” and the stereotypes that accompany that role.

It has been especially hard to get students interestedbecausecommittingtosocialjustice, particularly through community service, can be a cumbersome responsibility.

It seems that many of us do not realize the importance of imparting the wisdom that was shared with us. But I believe the only way to confront adversity is to act beyond oneself in collaborative and dynamic effort.

Finding solutions to our problems cannot be part-time, but must be permanently intertwined in our thoughts and actions.

If we take ourselves seriously then we have to recognize that just being here is not enough, getting good grades is not enough, graduating and getting a good job is not enough. The civil rights movement, glorious as it was, did not rid our nation of structural inequalities and deeply disturbing injustices. As long as we remain complacent and inactive, we say, in effect, that these challenges are someone else’s problem, someone else’s responsibility. A college education will not inoculate us from the racism of society, nor can it absolve us from our responsibilities to each other.

These turbulent times, evident in events as diverse as the recent constraints on free speech at Hampton University and the devastating impacts of Hurricane Katrina on Gulf Coast communities, show us that we areconnectedtoeachotheranddependent on each other in unpredictable ways.

In my first term at college I have learned that there is plenty of work that requires me to be active in my activism. I need to find ways to connect my work at school to the very real problems of the world beyond the classroom. And I am looking for ways to convince my peers to join me. VM Aaron Buford is an alumnus of the A Better Chance(ABC)programandafull-timestudent attheUniversityofMassachusetts,Amherst.

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still. The simple (but remarkably difficult) task is to notice that you have high school English composition stu- wandered, and gently, nonjudgmentally dent, always ready to tell you the facts return the attention to the breath. This but never being changed by them. practice focuses the mind, so that it Following their personal, in-depth has the inner steadiness to refrain from immersion in Jon-Kabat Zinn’s tech- the cognitive wandering that is directly niques for living and coping with connected with negative thoughts and debilitating chronic physical pain, the ideations about oneself. authors of MBCT adapted his approach Make no mistake; these simple to the mental and emotional pain instructions are difficult to carry out. wrought by depression. The MBCT The mind usually does not want to program extracts the essential practice keep quiet and focus on one thing. or skill from its oriMine certainly doesn’t. gin in Buddhism, makIn fact, for years the “The mind ing it accessible to a constant noise in my much wider audience. head was a jumble of usually does not And what is this skill? voices discussing a Cultivating mindful want to keep quiet. dozen different ideas. awareness of the presThis internal cacophMy certainly ent moment in order to ony often takes a selfsee things clearly, just as reflective, self-critical doesn’t.” they are. turn in my head, espe Many decades of psycially when I’m already chological research have shown the headed into depression. strong correlation between long-term MBCT urges you to look at all your depression and the presence of rumina- experiences with great care and mindtive thinking patterns—the automatic, fulness. If at a particular time we often obsessive thoughts and schemes experience depression, we turn our for fixing one’s problems. Ironically, it compassionate attention to depression is this obsessive desire and struggle to itself and try to see it clearly. How does fix and thus avoid the pain of depres- depression appear under such scrutiny? sion that seems to promote it. In part To truly see the nature of depression in this is because the struggle is often a fresh way is to change your life. I do connected with negative thoughts and not know what your answer will be. judgments about oneself: the internal Indeed, I am often still caught by the message is that there is something maelstrom of my depression, hardly “wrong” with you and you must whip able to find any stillness or focus at your unruly self back in line in order to all. However, when I have been able to extricate yourself from the depression. disengage from the internal noise—just Aaron Beck’s work in cognitive-behav- enough to notice the way thoughts, senioral therapy in the 1960s suggested sations, feelings, and all else arise and that mood was often improved dramat- eventually fall away—it becomes difically when patients practiced catching ficult to believe that depression should these negative thoughts and replacing be any different. If, as is commonly them with more realistic ones. described, depression is the percep The mindfulness-based approach is tion of “stuckness,” a hopelessness that a deeper and more general applica- things will ever change for the better, tion of the phenomenon explored by how to reconcile such a perception and Beck. MBCT teaches patients to focus belief with the irrefutable evidence of attention on an object such as the the impermanence of all things? VM breath. Inevitably one’s attention wanders, often leading to self-criticism, Tim Gordon is a mechanical engineer and judgment, or planning but also to more a volunteer facilitator in the men’s support mundane concerns such as the pain groups of the Men’s Resource Center for in the body as it is asked to remain Change. He lives in Cambridge, Mass.

Men Overcoming Depression continued from page 15

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R esources Men’s Resources (Resources for Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Men, see page 19) International Society for Men’s Health and Gender P.O. Box 144, A-1097, Vienna, Austria/ EUROPE Phone: +43 1 4096010, Fax: +43 1 4096011 www.ismh.org or office@ismh.org Montreal Men Against Sexism c/o Martin Dufresne 913 de Bienville Montreal, Quebec H2J 1V2 CANADA 514-563-4428, 526-6576, 282-3966 Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England.

Fathers Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar association lawyer referral agency. In Mass. the number is (800) 392-6164. Here are some websites that may be of use to you: www.acfc.org * www.fathering.org www.dadscan.org www.divorcedfather.com www.fatherhoodproject.org www.dadsrights.org**(notwww.dadsrights.com) www.fathers.com www.fatherhood.org www.fathersnetwork.org www.divorcehq.com * www.divorcewizards.com * www.geocities.com/Heartland/Meadows/ 1259/links.htm * www.menstuff.org/frameindex.html(Fatherstuff) * good resource ** strongly recommended At Home Dad www.parentsplace.com/readroom/athomedad Dads and Daughters www.dadsanddaughters.org The Fathers Resource Center www.slowlane.com/frc National Fatherhood Initiative www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet The Fatherhood Project www.fatherhoodproject.org Internet Resources

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American Men’s Studies Association: http://www.menweb.org/throop/orgs/ writeups/amsa.html

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Brother Peace http://www.eurowrc.org/01.eurowrc/04.eurowrc_ en/36.en_ewrc.htm EuroPRO-Fem: European Menprofemist Network www.europrofem.orgorcity.shelter@skynet.beor traboules@traboules.org

Men Against Violence http://www.unesco.org/cpp/uk/projects/wcpmenaga.htm

Supporting Fathers continued from page 12

Men Can Stop Rape www.mencanstoprape.org

fathers are welcome in most of these programs: biological, step, single, or married. Many of the relationship skill building exercises employed—such as how to understand one’s own and another person’s feelings, how to reflexively listen, and how to negotiate conflicts—can be used with one’s children or their mother.

Most men report better relationships with their co-parent and children after coming to these groups. As a group facilitator, I’m pleased when a wife or girlfriend of a graduate tells me that her relationship with her child’s father improved as he participated in the group.

It has long seemed to me that the next logical step in this burgeoning fatherhood movement is to bring both mothers and fathers together in one group setting to talk about relationships and intimacy. This is not without precedent. Some churches have a couples ministry, and there are workshops for couples in human potential centers like Rowe in Massachusetts and Omega in New York. But unlike parenting, addictionrecovery,andbatterers’intervention programs, there has yet to evolve a critical mass of support and psycho-ed groups for couples who want to take their relationship to the next level.

I predict this will soon change—in part because of a federal initiative pumping millions of dollars into the controversial area of “marriage support,” but more because it is an idea whose time has come.

The 1960s and ’70s gave us consciousness raising groups for women. The 1980s and ’90s were a time for men to come together in small cells intended to help individuals reflect, adjust, and evolve. Now the first decades of this new millennium are poised to bring the two genders together to turbocharge the eternal quest for harmony between men and women.

Several themes will predominate as this new epoch in male-female unity emerges.

First, it will be based on the equality of men and women. The analogy of the two genders operating as two wings on a bird is more appropriate than one being the head and the other being the heart.

Thus men will need to develop more of theirheart-basedcompassion,andwomen more of their head-based logic. We are

Men for Change (Nova Scotia) http://www.chebucto.ns.ca/CommunitySupport/ Men4Change/index.htm Men for HAWC http://www.danverspolice.com/domviol9.htm The Men’s Bibliography A comprehensive bibliography of writing on men, masculinities, gender, and sexualities, listing over 14,000 works. It’s free at: http://mensbiblio.xyonline.net/ Men’s Health Network http://www.menshealthnetwork.org/ Men’s Initiative for Jane Doe, Inc. www.mijd.org Men’s Issues Page www.vix.com/pub/men/index.html Men’s Resource Center for Change www.mrcforchange.org Men’s Resources International www.mensresourcesinternational.org Men Stopping Violence http://www.menstoppingviolence.org/index.php Mentors in Violence Prevention http://www.sportinsociety.org/mvp National Men’s Resource Center www.menstuff.org National Organization for Men Against Sexism www.nomas.org;Bostonchapterwww.nomasboston.org National Association of Men and Women Committed to Ending Violence Against Women www.acalltomen.org 100 Black Men, Inc. www.100bm.org White Ribbon Campaign www.whiteribbon.com;www.theribbonlady.com XY Magazine www.xyonline.net Pro-feminist men’s web links (over 500 links) www. xyonline.net/links.shtml Pro-feministmen’spolitics,frequentlyaskedquestions www.xyonline.net/misc/pffaq.html Pro-feministe-maillist(1997–)www.xyonline.net/ misc/profem.html Homophobiaandmasculinitiesamongyoungmen www.xyonline.net/misc/homophobia.html Magazines Achilles Heel (from Great Britain) www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achilles/issues.html Ending Men’s Violence-Real Men www.cs.utk.edu/~bartley/other/realMen.html The Men’s Rape Prevention Project www.mrpp.org/intro.html Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out www.geocities.com/CapitalHill/1139/quitporn.html

already seeing a move in this direction with the shifting, expanding, and more widely accepted roles for men and women in the home and the workplace.

Second, the leadership of this movement for heterosexual harmony will comprise both men and women—especially couples who have weathered the storms of long-term intimacy. My wife and I have facilitated programs like this, and we also look to other couples like Terry and Lester Nelson in the Boston area and Barry and Joyce Vissell nationally who have forged their love in the crucible of conflict and are willing to share lessons learned and model long-term, passionate intimacy for other couples..

Finally, we will see a continuation of single-gender-basedsupportgroups.There will always be a need for male-only and female-only spaces where each can go to relax and recharge. Most indigenous cultures have places for men and women to meet in separate circles, and I believe that ancient tradition is worth saving. It’s healthyandreaffirming—aslongasneither group plays the superiority or oppression card. Men who’ve had opportunities to work out some of their baggage in men’s groups can enter the more challenging space of couples’ work with greater confidence and greater ability to communicate.

Especially around issues of violence and control, prerequisite work is necessary before men can join with women from a space of love, respect, and openness.

Now, thanks to the groundbreaking work of women’s and men’s groups, we have a tremendous opportunity to expand the number of conscious, loving couples.

The need is crucial. If we can’t live in harmony in our own homes, with our best friends, what hope is there for neighbors, colleagues,ornationstocoexistpeacefully?

I am happy to be alive at this time and to take part in the next great leap of humanity: the unfolding of widespread intimacy between men and women, especially parents, with the advent of a couples’support movement. VM

Moving Forward

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Haji Shearer is a licensed social worker who leadsworkshopsformenandcouplesinthe Boston area. He lives with his wife and two childrenandwritesfrequentlyforVoiceMale.

Hecanbereachedathajishearer@juno.com

Moving Forward

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C alendar Please send all Calendar Listings for events from March 1, 2006 (and beyond) to:

V oice M ale C alendar voicemale@mrcforchange.org or mail to : 236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002 Fax (413) 253-4801 Deadline for Spring issue: February 20, 2006 January 12, 2006 • Boston, MA Gender Crash Open Mic Open mic for poets/spoken wordsters/ literary geeks/journal writers/queers/ transgender/gender queers. From politics to erotica in less than five minutes. A fun, welcoming, exciting, and often flirtatious crowd where open mic performances range from spoken word, to comedy, to drag, or acoustic music, all from newbies to veterans. All ages and open to everyone.

Cost: $5–10 at the door Location: Spontaneous Celebrations, Jamaica Plain Info: www.gendercrash.com, gendercrash@gmail.com,

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January 14, 2006 • Somerville, MA Introduction to Nonviolent Communication Does expressing your viewpoint result in arguments with those who hold a viewpoint different from your own? Do you feel angry and want your voice to be heard?

Are you frustrated and confused about how you can contribute to making the world a safer place? This workshop can help you learn how to change your life through Nonviolent Communication (NVC). It will help you explore the connection between how you think and feel, connect with your deepest needs, understand others instead of reacting to them, speak in ways more likely to be really heard by others, and negotiate difficult situations with more ease and confidence.

Cost: Sliding scale $60–40 Location: Unity Church of God, William Street Contact: www.nvcboston.org, (617) 623-9026

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January 27–29 • Rowe, MA Gay Men’s Winter Retreat The Gay Men’s Winter Retreat offers a break from the hectic nature of daily living and provides an opportunity for participants to examine their deeper, intuitive selves. The

retreat offers a chance to reassess life and the direction it is headed while discussing sexuality and spirituality, relationships, and self. Participants may gain a new sense of balance in life after embarking on this relaxing and exploratory journey. A great way to get through what can often be a very difficult time of year.

Cost: Sliding scale fee for the weekend (includes meals and housing) starts at $280 Location: Rowe Camp and Conference Center Info: www.rowecenter.org, (413) 339-4954, retreat@RoweCenter.org January 27–29 • Amherst, MA Standing Our Ground The winter gathering of the Peoples Music Network will present a dynamic group of musicians at its Friday night concert on January 27. All the performers have a strong commitment to social, ecological, and economic justice. Weekend workshops focus on topics such as songwriting, the marketing of musicians, funny songs, choral and improvisational singing, rounds, labor, protest, Celtic and peace songs. Song swaps focus on environmental, gay/lesbian/ bisexual, and disabilities awareness issues.

Cost: between $30 and $200, depending on age and income level, plus membership dues Location: Amherst College Info: www.peoplesmusic.org, (845) 626-4507, diacrowe@yahoo.com January 30 • North Newton, KS Lessons from the Gulf: How Can We Prevent Un-Natural Disasters?

The Kansas Institute for Peace and Conflict Resolution (KIPCOR) presents a talk by Robert W. Edgar. KIPCOR is dedicated to promoting peace and social justice and resolving human conflict—both locally and globally—and in the process always striving to link the theory of what we ought to do with the practice of getting it done.

Cost: not available Location: Krehbiel Auditorium, Bethel College Info: www.bethelks.edu/kipcor/index.html, (316) 284-5217 January 30 – February 1 • Boston, MA Mentors in Violence Prevention Institute MVP Institutes are unique three-day interactive trainings designed for adult educators, youth service providers, and other adults committed to preventing men’s violence against women. The trainings examine the dynamics of men’s violence against women, the bystander approach to prevention and the philosophy behind the

MVP curriculum. Upon completion, participants are certified to use the curriculum with their student body or direct service population.

Cost: $350 (includes curriculum, certificate, and breakfast), limited scholarships available Location: Northeastern University Info: www.sportinsociety.org, e.Nichols@neu.edu, (617) 373-7797 February 11 • Western Massachusetts Exploring Class What class did you grow up in? What strengths and limitations came out of your class background? How has your class background affected your relationships with people of the same and different classes?

What are the larger economic and political factors affecting class now? How do class dynamics show up in your life? Your work?

Your home? Your community?

Cost: $25–$500 sliding scale. No one will be turned away for inability to pay.

Location: to be determined Info: www.classism.org, (413) 585-9709, cyazbek@classism.org February 17–19 • Collegeville, MN 3rd Annual Conference on the College Male This conference is sponsored by the Center for Men’s Leadership and Service at Saint John’s University. The two-day conference will include numerous presentations, keynote addresses by Dr. Michael Kaufman and Dr. Shaun Harper, and an opportunity for scholars from over a dozen institutions to discuss important issues facing college men.

Cost: not available Location: Saint John’s University Info: www.csbsju.edu/menscenter/ conference, (320) 363-3104, menscenter@csbsju.edu February 17–19 • Esmond, RI Rhode Island Men’s Gathering Rhode Island Men’s Gathering is a weekend that provides all types of men with the chance to reconnect, learn, and gain support in the company of other men. The program offers numerous workshops, free time for hiking and relaxation, entertainment, and discussion. These workshops include such topics as Coping with Stress; Friendship and Trust, and Divorce.

Open to all males, ages 18 years and older.

Cost: Sliding scale fee for the weekend (includes meals and housing) starts at $90 Location: Campus of W. Alton Jones at URI Info: www.members.tripod.com/ rimensgathering, (401) 231-4785, snowri@att.net

February 23–25 • Seattle, WA Intimate Partner Violence in Lesbian, Bisexual, Trans and Gay Communities Q&A for Advocates hosts antiviolence workers from across Washington State, the region and the U.S. in this three-day training institute on addressing intimate partner violence in lesbian, bisexual, trans and gay communities. After the training, attendees have access to NW Network staff for ongoing technical assistance and consultation as they implement strategies and skills learned during the institute. Each year attendees report that the institute is inspirational, educational, and makes a lasting difference in their work with all survivors.

Cost: National attendees before December 31, $200; afterward $250; WA State residents $65–$80. A limited number of partial and full scholarships are available.

Location: Comfort Suites Info: www.nwnetwork.org, (206) 568-7777, tanya@nwnetwork.org February 24–26 • Burlington, VT Translating Identity Conference Translating Identity is a free conference focusing on gender and gender identities. Open to the public, this event hopes to reach out to the University of Vermont, the Burlington community, and the nation as a whole to educate about transgender issues. With multiple panels to choose from at any time, some panels will be directed toward trans people and others will be for those who are fairly unfamiliar with the transgender movement and the topic of gender identity.

Cost: Free (Register early to guarantee your spot.)

Location: University of Vermont Info: www.uvm.edu/~tic, (802) 656-0699, tic@uvm.edu

March 24–25 • Shreveport, LA Seventh Biennial ACS Gender Studies Conference—Governing Bodies: Reflections on the Self, Society, and State The Associated Colleges of the South (ACS) and Centenary College of Louisiana will sponsor the seventh biennial ACS Women’s and Gender Studies conference. Since 1993, faculty, staff and students from ACS colleges have convened to examine issues critical to the study of gender in contemporary society.

This year’s conference will focus on how bodies are imbued with varied gendered and sexual meanings across cultures and time periods, how these meanings are learned and policed and how they influence individual selves, social institutions and the state.

Cost: $40/student, $80/faculty, including meals (individuals responsible for housing) Location: Centenary College of Louisiana Info: www.centenary.edu/genderconference, (318) 869-5054, mwolkomi@centenary.edu March 31–April 2, 2006 • Middletown, CA 8th Annual California Men’s Gathering This retreat provides an opportunity for safe space interaction within a gay community. It is an intimate, unstructured retreat that allows for rest and relaxation with a welcoming and opening ceremony.

Cost: $180, including meals and housing Location: Harbin Hot Springs Contact: www.thecmg.org, www.harbin.org, (800) 622-2477, cmgharbin2006@aol.com

Looking to Connect?

Try the MRC’s Drop-in

MEN’S SUPPORT GROUPS

IN NORTHAMPTON

Open to all men.

Tuesdays, 6:45-8:45 PM Council on Aging, 240 Main St. IN AMHERST

Open to all men.

Sundays, 7-9 PM at the MRC IN GREENFIELD

Open to all men.

Wednesdays, 7-9 PM Network Chiropractic, DHJones Building, Mohawk Trail FOR GAY, BISEXUAL & QUESTIONING MEN

Open to all gay, bisexual, gay-identified F-to-M trans men & men questioning orientation Mondays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC FOR MEN WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED CHILDHOOD NEGLECT AND/OR ABUSE

Open to all men who have experienced any form of childhood neglect and/or abuse (physical, emotional or sexual) Fridays, 7-8:45 PM, at the MRC FACILITATED BY

ROB OKUN

TRAINED VOLUNTEERS

Officiating at Weddings for Couples in Massachusetts & Beyond

236 N. PLEASANT ST., AMHERST

Justice of the Peace (413) 253-7918 RAOkun@comcast.net

FREE & CONFIDENTIAL

MEN’S RESOURCE CENTER (413) 253-9887, ext. 10 aarnaboldi@mrcforchange.org

W inter 2006 •

March–April • Throughout United States Equality Ride Young adults ages 18 to 28 are invited to take part in the Equality Ride, an exciting twomonth journey for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender rights. It’s a cross-country bus tour designed to confront college policies at over 100 colleges that ban the enrollment of openly GLBT students. These bans devalue the life of GLBT people and slam the door on academic freedom. On each campus, Equality Riders will take a bold stand for truth on behalf of the GLBT community through press conferences, dialogues, debates, vigils, and, where necessary, nonviolent direct action.

Cost: Applicants who are selected to be Equality Riders will have all expenses paid including transportation, housing, and meals.

Info: www.EqualityRide.com, (952) 212-8311, jake@equalityride.com

March 19–23 • Lyons, MI Beyond Good Intentions: Becoming an Effective White Anti-Racist Ally This four-day workshop provides a context for whitepeopletoeducatethemselvesaboutwhite racism and white privilege, hold each other accountable, and demonstrate good faith as they seek to build genuine and lasting alliances with people of color. Beyond Good Intentions is intended to supplement, not substitute for, contextswherepeopleofdiverseracesstrategize and work together to dismantle racism.

Cost: $350 Location: The Leaven Center Info: www.leaven.org, (989) 855-2606, leavencenter@leaven.org

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T hank Y ou !

Publisher Says “Thank You!” The Men’s Resource Center for Change, publisherofVoiceMale,receivescommunity support from near and far. Voice Male allows us a public forum in which to thank the hundreds of people who have shared our inspirationandcommitment,andcontributed theirtime,services,andmoneytowardavision ofpersonalandsocialtransformation.Weare filledwithdeepgratitudeatthegenerosityofthe individuals and businesses listed below.

Donated Space Network Chiropractic, Greenfield Northampton Council on Aging In-Kind Donations Henion Bakery, Amherst Office/Voice Male Volunteers Diego Angarita, Cathryn Brubaker, Susan Craig, Laura Crotty, Christopher Klunk, Joe Leslie, Bob and Magda Mazer, Russ Pirkot

• V oice M ale

Art Auction A.P.E. Associate Director – Lisa Thompson Auctioneer – Kevin Brown Business Supporters – Cooper’s Corner, Florence; Henion Bakery, Amherst; Hot Mama’s, Northampton; R. Michelson Galleries, Northampton/Amherst Exhibit/Auction Space – A.P.E. Gallery, Thornes Market, Northampton Host Committee – Lisa Baskin, Robin Freedenfeld, Peggy Gillespie, Jane Lund, Barry Moser Musicians – Jane Lund, Pam Bartlett, Mike Ingram, Tom Ulrich (The J.M.P.T. Quartet) Volunteers – Adi Bemak, Rachel Folsom, Nancy Girard, Carlyn Saltman, Bob and Jan Winston

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Asalways,weextendourgratitudetotheMRC BoardofDirectorsfortheongoingguidanceand support they give to this organization and all who are a part of it. We are also grateful for all ofourstaff,whoregularlygoaboveandbeyond the call of duty, and to our volunteers who support us in so many ways.

Fathering continued from page 16

OutLines continued from page 18

lesson: “I’m really going to help out more around the house” is the first; the second is “I don’t ever want to do this again.”

Put the emphasis on that last phrase, because that’s what they really mean.

But note as well the use of language in the first phrase: I can “help out” around your house—an unexpected act of generosity on my part. But I’m not “helping” when I do things in my own house; I’m being a parent, a homeowner, a husband, a partner. In similar fashion, I can “babysit” your children, but if I’m taking care of my own daughter that’s not the right word to apply. She is my flesh, my blood, my heart; of course I take care of her.

The language tells us everything we need to know: We’re not meeting Mr. Mom each week, we’re saying goodbye to him. The show is not welcoming men to the domestic sphere—much less acknowledging that we are already there in significant numbers—it is demonstrating that, for men, our kids and our homes are alien and dangerous territory.

If the women are sent on spa vacations, the men go on a kind of Domestic Wilderness Safari into the dark heart of their own homes, suddenly sentenced to intense involvement with—gasp!—their own children.

Look, look, he’s about to dress his son!

And he didn’t even use the tranquilizer dart?

That mad, brave, fool!

Thankfully, Meet Mr. Mom stopped running in September—short summer series, canceled, or on hiatus, it’s hard to tell.

It wasn’t a reality that I recognized, anyway.

And frankly, I don’t miss it. VM

stepparenting is a noble endeavor, and one that may need a lot of study and support to accomplish with grace and dignity.

My partner and I helped usher his daughters and my stepdaughters into young adulthood, and now we are joyously facing the next level of challenge.

Nine and a half months ago we were blessed to meet our first grandchild, and we learned this summer that we should prepare to meet another little being early in 2006. I have no words of wisdom yet to offer anyone on effective gay stepgrandparenting, as I feel I’m still figuring it out myself day to day. I do know that I welcome this new challenge, and even find the diaper changing and staying up half the night with a cranky infant cutting his first teeth to be charming, in an odd way.

To me stepparenting is not just the “next best thing” to parenting; it’s a valuable thing on its own. One day Hallmark may get around to setting aside one Sunday a year and declaring it Stepparents’ Day; but we who are stepdads and feel that we perform our roles well don’t need to wait for that particular stamp of legitimacy to validate our unique contributions. We can buy ourselves a tie. VM

Donald N.S. Unger, Ph.D., is currently at work on a book whose tentative title is Men Can: The Changing Image and Reality of Fatherhood in America.

Doug Arey is a psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Greenfield and Florence, Mass.

Men’s Resource Center for Change Programs & Services

Administrative Staff Executive Director – Rob Okun Associate Director – Russell Bradbury-Carlin Development Director – Michael Dover Development Associate – Gretchen Craig Financial Manager – Paula Chadis Administrative Assistant – Ursula Shea Borneo Moving Forward Director – Russell Bradbury-Carlin Clinical Supervisor – Sara Elinoff-Acker Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison – Steve Trudel Partner Services Coordinator – Jan Eidelson Franklin County Coordinator – Joy Kaubin Hampden County Coordinator – Scott Girard Group Leaders – Sara Elinoff-Acker, Karen Fogliatti, Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta, Susan Omilian, Bill Patten, Tom Sullivan, Steve Trudel Support Programs Director – Allan Arnaboldi Support Group Facilitators – Allan Arnaboldi, MichaelBurke,JimDevlin,MichaelDover,DarrenEngstrom, Carl Erikson,Tim Gordon, Jerry Levinsky, Gábor Lukács, BobMazer,RobParfet,TomSchuyt,Sheldon Snodgrass, Roger Stawasz, Bob Sternberg, Gary Stone, John Trainor, Peter Venman Youth Programs Director – Allan Arnaboldi Group Leader/Outreach Worker– Paul Collins Board of Directors Chair – Peter Jessop Clerk/Treasurer – Charles Bodhi Members – Gustavo Acosta, Jenny Daniell, Tom Gardner,Yoko Kato, Gail Kielson, Jonathan Klate Executive Director Emeritus – Steven Botkin

Main Office: 236 North Pleasant St. • Amherst, MA 01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.4801 Springfield Office: 29 Howard St. • Springfield, MA 01105 • 413.734.3438 E-mail: mrc@mrcforchange.org Website: www.mrcforchange.org

Fathering Programs ■ A variety of resources are available — Fathers and Family Network programs, lawyer referrals, parenting resources, workshops, presentations and conferences.

Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.10 Youth Programs ■ Young Men of Color Leadership Project Amherst ■ShortTermGroups,Workshops,Presentations and Consultations for Young Men and YouthServing Organizations Moving forward Anger Management, domestic violence intervention, youth violence prevention ■ Anger Management Various times for 15-week groups for men, women and young men at the MRC. For more information, call (413) 253-9887 ext. 23 ■ Domestic Violence Intervention A state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive.

Fee subsidies available.

■ Basic Groups Groups for self-referred and court-mandated men (40 weeks) are held in Amherst, Athol, Belchertown, Springfield, and Greenfield.

■ Follow-up Groups for men who have completed the

basic program and want to continue working on these issues are available in Northampton, Greenfield and Amherst.

■ Partner Services Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program.

■ Prison Groups A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections.

■ Community Education and Training Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available.

■ Speakers’ Bureau Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

■ Youth Violence Prevention Services for teenage males who have been abusive with their families, peers, or dating partners. Contact: (413) 253-9588 ext.18 Workshops & training ■ Men & Divorce This workshop series can help you get your bearings and find your way through the divorce process to reach a successful conclusion in this transition. Six Sunday afternoons. At MRC, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst. For information, call Allan (413) 253-9887, Ext. 10.

■ Workshops available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as “Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response,” “Strategies and Skills for Educating Men,” “Building Men’s Community,” and “Challenging Homophobia,” among other topics. Specific trainings and consultations also available.

Publications ■ Voice Male Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includesarticles,essays,reviewsandresources, and services related to men and masculinity.

■Children,LesbiansandMen:Men’sExperiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors A 60-page manual which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women “who have been there.”

Resource & Referral Services ■ Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, and support programs for men.

W inter 2006 •

The mission of the Men’s Resource Center for Change is to support men, challenge men’s violence, and develop men’s leadership in ending oppression in our lives our families and our communities.

Support Group Programs ■ Open Men’s Group Sundays 7-9 p.m. at the MRC Amherst office Tuesdays 6:45-8:45 p.m. at the Council on Aging, 240 Main St., Northampton.

Wednesdays 7-9 p.m. in Greenfield at Network Chiropractic, 21 Mohawk Trail (lower Main St.).

A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other.

■ Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Abuse /Neglect Specifically for men who have experienced any kind of childhood abuse or neglect.

Fridays 7 - 8:30 p.m. at the MRC. ■ Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Mondays 7 - 9 p.m. at the MRC. A facilitated drop-in group for gay, bisexual and questioning men to talk about their lives and support each other (not a discussion group).

■ GBQ Schmoozefest Events Seasonal events with catered food, art and music, opportunities for interacting with GBQ men and other men who love men from Springfield to Brattleboro and beyond.

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SIX MERRY MEN in MARCH A Cabin Fever Comedy Concert

With Some of New England’s Finest Performers

Sunday March 12 at 2 P.M. A benefit performance for the Men’s Resource Center for Change Enjoy an afternoon of juggling, stories, mime, magic, music, and more Presented by the Hats-Off Performers Guild

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Storytellers and Musicians John Porcino & Tim Van Egmond Trevor the Games Man Jugglers Rob Peck & Henry Lappen Hoopoe the Clown (not pictured)

•

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Munson Library on the common South Amherst, Mass.

Tickets: $7.50 Adults, $4 Children 12 & under, $20 Max per Family For advance tickets or more information contact Men’s Resource Center for change 236 No. Pleasant St, Amherst, MA • (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10 Email: mrc@mrcforchange.org www.mrcforchange.org