Voice Male Winter 2008 by Voice Male Magazine

N e w Vi s i o n s o f M a n h o o d

Voice Male The Magazine of The Men’s Resource Center for change

Winter 2008

Vulnerability: Can Men Embrace Theirs? IN SIDE

The Winds of Peace

From a Violent Past to a Life of Peacemaking

The Old White Man in the Clouds A Spiritual Journey

• OutLines: When a Loved One Comes Out

• Voices of Youth: The Starbucks Intervention

• Fathering: Playground Vertigo • My Father Is Still With Me

From The Editor • Voice Male 2

My Father Is Still with Me By Rob Okun

ere he still alive, my father would have turned 100 on New Year’s Day. At least that’s when we would have celebrated his birthday. Accurate record-keeping was rare in the village he came from in Pinsk, Russia. Growing up, Dad said his birthday may have been in midNovember since he was named Joseph, after the biblical figure whose Torah portion is chanted in synagogues at that time of year. You may recall from Sunday school—or the hit musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat —that Joseph was sold to a neighboring tribe by his brothers, who were jealous that he was their father’s favorite. His brothers also didn’t like the dreams Joseph had suggesting that he, their much younger brother, was destined to lead them. When he went to find his shepherdbrothers tending their flock, they stripped him of his rainbow-colored tunic, threw him in a pit and prepared to slaughter him. Persuaded by another brother not to kill him, they settled on selling him to the Ishmaelites for 20 pieces of silver. The betrayal Joseph experienced may have been more dramatic than many of us have experienced—or heard of—but his story still serves as a cautionary tale. Biblical Joseph, although he arrived in Egypt as a slave, landed on his feet, eventually becoming an indispensable adviser to the Pharaoh, especially valued for his ability to interpret dreams. My father, who arrived in the United States as boy, had a similar gift, not so much for dream work but for what’s essential to that work—understanding people and human nature. He knew that people’s fears and uncertainties about the future sometimes clouded their best thinking. He understood that sometimes longtime friends and allies harbor secret agendas. Nevertheless, he always did his utmost to find the best in everyone, along the

“A hundred years after his birth and 20 years after his death, my father remains my role model. I feel his presence in my life, stronger than ever.” way reaching for his highest self and standing for that possibility in others. That’s one of the lessons I’ve learned from his life. My father was patient, rarely raised his voice, and spoke so lovingly and respectfully to and about his wife, my mother, that without expressly lecturing, he modeled for his children both how to act toward women and how to be a man. He was unusually gentle—quiet, steady, calm under pressure, an effective leader. He was a devoted father, operated a successful business, and was honorary life president of our temple. He paid tribute to the dead by overseeing burials and maintaining the cemetery grounds. Growing up I got used to hearing the funeral director’s voice on the other end of the phone asking, “Is your father there?” Today, a hundred years after his birth and 20 years after his death, he remains my role model. I feel his presence in my life, stronger than ever. In my work with men over the years, in chronicling men’s lives in these pages, at the Men’s Resource Center for Change and in my counseling practice, I’ve always carried his quiet, steady love. I’ve long witnessed the tearful yearning men have for the soothing love a healthy relationship with their fathers can bring. Voice Male, which regularly reports on men’s efforts to cultivate their softer, gentler sides—to push past their resistance to maintaining the tough guise of conventional masculinity—is designed

to be an open-ended invitation to men to begin healing the wounds of the past. We’re committed to chronicling efforts that show men how to not let those wounds obscure their vision in the present. We know that for some it ends up being too arduous a journey. There are those who may appear to authentically express a gentler, humanized masculinity but are too bound up in their old hurts and old ways to fully get there. There were no magazine reports detailing what Joseph’s brothers talked about on their way home after selling him into slavery. While one of his brothers went back (too late) to free him, the rest were too blind to stop and question what they had done. Undoubtedly they didn’t ask: “How can we cultivate a humanized masculinity when the old ways of competitive, manipulative masculinity still hold sway over our lives?” Today, all these generations later, conventional manhood’s grip still seeks to control our lives. For Voice Male and its publisher, the Men’s Resource Center for Change, our efforts to recognize, to understand, and to cultivate our gentle sides, our humanized masculinity, involve learning to discern when we are being authentic and when we are striking a pose. This is a key characteristic of men’s work and an ongoing, lifelong process. We all need models— our Josephs—to offer us a handhold in our lives. For the biblical Joseph and for my father Joe, it didn’t matter how heavy or how many colors adorned their coats since none could obscure their understanding of an open heart. May that be true for the rest of us. VM

Rob Okun is editor of Voice Male. He can be reached at rob.okun@mrcforchange,org.

Table of Contents Features Can We Embrace Our Vulnerability? . . . . . . . 8 By Charlie Hertan The Goons at Gate D . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Anti-female Abuse and Football by Michael Kimmel The Old White Man in the Clouds . . . . . . . . 14 A Journey of Spiritual Liberation By Haji Shearer The Winds of Peace . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 From Violent Past to a Life of Peacemaking . By Pip Cornall

Voice Male

Columns & Opinion From the Editor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 Mail Bonding . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 Men @ Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 Fathering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 Playground Vertigo By Jeremy Adam Smith GBQ Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 Outlines . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 When a Loved One Comes Out By Allan Arnaboldi Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21 Voices of Youth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 The Starbucks Intervention By Greg Bortnichak MRC Programs & Services . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27

Masculinity redefined...New visions of manhood... Men overcoming isolation... No matter how you describe it, we’re all in uncharted waters today trying to understand contemporary men and masculinity.

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VOICE MALE is published quarterly by the Men’s Resource Center for Change, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002. It is mailed to donors and subscribers in the U.S., Canada, and overseas and distributed at select locations around New England. The opinions expressed in VOICE MALE may not represent the views of all staff, board, volunteers, or members of the Men’s Resource Center for Change. Copyright ©2008 Voice Male Magazine. Subscriptions: For subscription information, call (413) 253-9887, ext. 16, or go to www.mrcforchange.org and follow the links to subscribe to VOICE MALE. E-mail: voicemale.subscribe@mrcforchange.org. Advertising: For VOICE MALE advertising rates and deadlines, call (413) 253-9887, ext. 16. E-mail: voicemale.adsales@mrcforchange.org. Submissions: The editors welcome letters, articles, news items, article ideas and queries, and information about events of interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss. Manuscripts sent through the mail will be responded to and returned if accompanied by a self-addressed stamped return envelope. Send articles and queries to Editors, VOICE MALE, 236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002, or e-mail to voicemale.editor@mrcforchange.org.

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Mail Bonding Renaissance School Students Endorse White Ribbon Campaign

I am a teacher at the Renaissance School in Springfield, Mass., a public 6-12 school founded last year and based on the principles of Expeditionary Learning and Outward Bound. One of the structures in our school is called Crew. Crew consists of myself as leader and 14 students whom I have met with every school day since Sept. 2006 for at least a half-hour a day. We discuss problems and academics, conduct service projects, and have fun. Students read the op-ed Voice Male editor Rob Okun published in the Springfield, Mass. Sunday Republican about domestic violence and the White Ribbon Campaign and we have decided we would like to lead awareness of the Campaign in our school. We would like to know how we might proceed. Keith Wright 7th Grade Science Teacher The Springfield Renaissance School Springfield, Mass.

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236 North Pleasant St. Amherst, MA 01002 or Fax (413) 253-4801 voicemale.editor@mrcforchange.org Please include address and phone. Letters may be edited for clarity and length. Deadline for Spring issue: April 14, 2008

Visit the Voice Male Archive Read articles going back to the Spring 2003 issue It’s simple. Go to mrcforchange.org/ vmarchive.html

G. Dean Zimmerman, LICSW Psychotherapy & Life Coaching (413) 665-3663 48 North Pleasant Street, Amherst 110 North Hillside Road, South Deerfield

Celebrate Positive Masculinity and Peace in the Home

• Voice Male

Men’s Resource Center for Change 12th Annual Challenge & Change Dinner

Sunday, 5 p.m. May 4, 2008 Log Cabin Banquet & Meeting House Holyoke, Mass. For more information: main. office@mrcforchange.org (413) 253-9887 Ext. 16

R EED S CHIMMELFING , MSW Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker

Psychotherapy for Individuals and Relationships Northampton office

413-586-7454 reedschim@yahoo.com

M en @ W ork “From this day forward, I promise never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women, sexual assault and domestic violence.” —White Ribbon Campaign Pledge

Massachusetts Joins White Ribbon Campaign underscore the need to combine safety and respect with romance and love. (On Valentine’s Day 2005, Voice Male’s publisher, the Men’s Resource Center, published an ad in the Republican, which 155 men signed, urging “creating a society where women are safe from violence,” and encouraging men “to support an egalitarian culture of peace.” To view the ad go to www.mrcforchange.org/menofheart2005.html.) Okun, who is also the MRC’s executive director, noted that the organization has long been involved in violence prevention efforts, including operating a comprehensive batterers’ intervention program begun in 1989. In urging others to join the worldwide campaign to work to prevent violence against women, children and other men, he wrote, “Imagine men of every background joining together to challenge ideas of masculinity that equate strength with power and control and that promote positive ideas of manhood aimed at creating a world where harmony, not abuse, describes our families.” To learn more about participating—including becoming a White Ribbon “Ambassador,” “Sponsor,” or “Affiliate,” visit www.janedoe.org/ involved.htm or www.mijd.org. For more information about the Men’s Resource Center for Change and its batterers’ intervention program, go to www.mrcforchange.org and click on “Programs.” Or call (413) 253-9588.

mashing stereotypes that have depicted feminists as man-haters, a recent study suggests that having a feminist partner is linked with healthier, more romantic heterosexual relationships. The study, published online in an October issue of the journal Sex Roles, relied on surveys of both college students and older adults, finding that women with egalitarian attitudes do find mates and men do find them attractive. In fact, results reveal that feminist women and men are having fun together—maybe more so than nonfeminists. Rutgers University psychologists Laurie Rudman and Julie Phelan carried out a laboratory survey of 242 Rutgers undergraduates and conducted an online survey of 289 older adults who had an average age of 26 and typically had been in their current relationship about four years. The researchers looked at people’s perception of their own feminism, their partner’s feminism, and whether they had positive views of feminists and career women. Other survey measures included overall relationship quality, agreement about gender equality, relationship stability, and sexual satisfaction. Among the findings: • College-age women who reported having feminist male partners also reported higher-quality relationships that were more stable than couples involving nonfeminist male partners. • College men who were themselves feminists and had feminist partners reported more equality in their relationships. • Older women who perceived their male partners as feminists reported greater relationship health and sexual satisfaction. • Older men with feminist partners said they had more stable relationships and greater sexual satisfaction. Overall, feminism and romance do go hand in hand, the scientists say.

Winter 2008 •

assachusetts is among the latest places to inaugurate the White Ribbon Campaign, an international effort aimed at curbing men’s violence against women. The campaign aims to encourage nonabusive men to leave their roles as bystanders and become active in denouncing domestic and sexual violence. “While most men aren’t violent or abusive, most don’t step forward to challenge men who are,” Voice Male editor Rob Okun wrote in an op-ed published just after New Year’s in the Springfield, Mass., Sunday Republican. “Too many of us stand silently by thinking, ‘That’s not me. I’m not like that.’” He argued it needn’t take the beatings and murders of women for more men to say, “What can I do?” He suggested starting with this pledge: “From this day forward, I promise never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women, sexual assault and domestic violence.” The White Ribbon Campaign was initiated in Canada two years after a December 1989 massacre in Montréal in which 14 women students at a polytechnical institute were killed and 13 other students were wounded by a lone gunman. One hundred thousand men wore ribbons across Canada that first year. Today, it’s a worldwide campaign in 47 countries, with more than five million signatures and counting. The Massachusetts White Ribbon Campaign was scheduled to begin on Valentine’s Day, specifically chosen to

Do Feminists Have More Fun?

M en @W ork

While they aren’t sure exactly how feminism works to enhance relationship health, the researchers have some ideas. Feminist men might be more supportive of their female partner’s ambitions than are traditionalists. Men with feminist partners may enjoy having the extra breadwinner to share the economic burden of maintaining a household. Or maybe, feminists just have more fun.

Men Who’ve Been Assaulted by Their Partner: What’s the Reality?

• Voice Male

the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women (DAHMW) at 1-888-7435754 or e-mail dahmwagency@gmail. com for information about the study and directions for participating. For more information about DAHMW visit their website: http://www.dahmw.org/.

ome New England researchers are seeking to entangle a knotty—and politically fraught—question: just how many heterosexual men are assaulted by their intimate partners, and what is the nature of their experience? The Men’s Experiences with Partner Aggression Project is a research study at Clark University in Worcester, Mass., funded by the National Institute of Mental Health. Denise A. Hines, Ph.D., Clark University Department of Psychology, is the lead researcher on this project, in conjunction with Emily M. Douglas, Ph.D., Bridgewater State College Department of Social Work, the Survey Center at the University of Southern Maine, and the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women. The researchers say their goal is to better understand the experiences of men who are in relationships with women who use violence. They claim that extensive research has shown that men are at risk for sustaining partner violence in their relationships, yet few studies have investigated their experiences, and there are few resources available to such men. This is an underrecognized problem in the United States, the researchers believe, and by conducting this project, they hope to provide muchneeded information on these men, their relationships, and their needs. Men between 18 and 59 who say they have been physically assaulted at least one time in the last 12 months by a current or former intimate female partner may be eligible to participate in this study. Potential participants should call

“One Man Can” in South Africa

n the Nguni language, sonke means “all of us” or “together.” With that as its guiding vision, the Sonke Gender Justice Network has been spreading the word about ending domestic violence and promoting healthy relationships throughout southern Africa. Founded in 2006 by Shamillah Wilson, Bafana Khumalo, and Dean Peacock and based in Cape Town, South Africa, Sonke has made its flagship initiative a campaign called “One Man Can,” whose goals are to support men and boys to take action to end domestic and sexual violence and to promote healthy, equitable relationships “that men and women can enjoy—passionately, respectfully and fully.” The campaign was created with the idea that all men have a role to play in this effort and that, according to the campaign materials, “each one of us can create a better, more equitable and more just world. It encourages men to work together with other men and with women to take action, to build a movement, to demand justice, to claim our democratic rights, and to change the world.” Since it was launched in late 2006 in Johannesburg, Cape Town, and Geneva, One Man Can has spread to

all nine provinces of South Africa and to several other African nations. In that time, Sonke has trained nearly 500 people to implement the campaign’s activities, conducted workshops for over 2,000 people, and reached tens of thousands more through community outreach and other activities. According to Sonke’s website, “Our research showed that many men and boys are concerned about widespread domestic and sexual violence and want it to stop. We heard that men and boys do worry about the safety of women and girls—their partners, sisters, mothers, girlfriends, wives, coworkers, neighbors, classmates… and want to play a role in creating a safer and more just world.” For the One Man Can campaign, Sonke created a kit to give men resources to act on their concerns about domestic and sexual violence, including stickers, clothing, posters, music, video clips, and fact sheets, as well as information on how men can support survivors of sexual violence, use the law to demand justice, educate children, challenge other men to take action, make schools safer for girls and boys, and raise awareness in churches, mosques, and synagogues. For more information on One Man Can and other Sonke projects, visit their website, www.genderjustice.org.za.

Men Shedding Isolation in Australia

or men battling loneliness, depression, isolation, and thoughts of suicide, one answer may come from Down Under: take ’em out to the shed. A Men’s Shed Movement has blossomed in Australia, according to the BBC News, with 216 sheds created around the country, in unused warehouses and suburban buildings, as places for men to go, be together, talk, and work on projects such as woodworking. “We talk about all sorts of things— from cake recipes to sex—so we cover a wide field,” says movement supervisor John Marlin. He and other sup-

held its annual conference last year, appropriately, in a Sydney suburb called Manly.

New Resources for Men

ustralian men’s activist Dr. Michael Flood, recently returned from an international meeting of women and men working toward gender equality held in Salzburg, Austria—also attended by former MRC luminaries Steven Botkin and Juan Carlos Areán— recently sent Voice Male these new resource listings. “I was impressed,” Flood writes, “by two recent publications”: • World Health Organization (Gary Barker, Christine Ricardo, and Marcos Nascimento) (2007), “Engaging Men and Boys in Changing Gender-Based Inequity in Health: Evidence from programme interventions.” Geneva:

World Health Organization. www. who.int/gender/documents/Engaging_ men_boys.pdf • ICRW and Instituto Promundo (2007), “Engaging Men and Boys to Achieve Gender Equality: How can we build on what we have learned?” International Center for Research on Women (ICRW) and Instituto Promundo [Brazil]. http://www.promundo.org.br/296?locale=en_US Other resources Flood recommends include http://mensbiblio.xyonline.net/ menfeminism.html#Heading1 and the overview of online resources provided at http://www.xyonline.net/downloads/MenandgenderResources.doc. (See Resources, in this issue, page 21.) For more information on the Salzburg conference, see the “Uncommon Man” blog on the website of Men’s Resources International, www.mensresourcesinternational.org. VM

M en @W ork

porters say the informal atmosphere in the sheds helps men to open up and talk about their problems, including loneliness, depression, and suicidality. Some older men in particular have been drawn to the sheds as gathering places and as a refuge from isolation, bereavement, unemployment, or poor health. “One of the sheds that I run, we have two men out of the 20 that come on a daily basis that have been very, very close to suicide, mainly through loss of a spouse whom they may have nursed through an illness,” says Ruth van Herk, a spokeswoman for a Christian charity. “These are men who are incredibly depressed and frightened of their lives and feel that there’s no meaning anymore. But they do find often a purpose again because of these sheds.” According to the BBC, more than 2,000 Australians commit suicide every year, 80 percent of them men. The Australian shed movement

National Advisory Board Voice Male Magazine Men’s Resource Center For Change

John Badalament, Boston Juan Carlos Areán, Boston Byron Hurt, New York City Robert Jensen, Austin,Texas Sut Jhally, Northampton, Mass. Jackson Katz, Long Beach, Calif. Joe Kelly, Duluth, Minn. Michael Kimmel, Brooklyn Bill T. Jones, New York City Don McPherson, Long Island, N.Y. Craig Norberg-Bohm, Boston Haji Shearer, Boston

Winter 2008 •

Michael Messner, Los Angeles

Toward a Feeling Masculinity

Can We Embrace Our Vulnerability? By Charlie Hertan

• Voice Male 8

Muslims.” They then reenact their past hurts on others, gaining a sense of control over their vulnerability, and unconsciously fulfilling the (natural) revenge fantasies of the abused inner child. Of course, the price of feeling invulnerable is enormous, for the men themselves and society. Since cutting off one’s vulnerability means severing one’s connection with self and others, or substituting only fear-based connection, such men forfeit the possibility of genuine love. Without self-love or connection, there is little possibility of happiness, so the potent drugs of power and control become their obsessions. The temporary “high” gained from imposing their will on others wards off, for a while, the emptiness and self-hatred at the core of invulnerable men. Deep inside them still lies an innocent little boy waiting to be held, healed, and loved; but they have chosen the path of ignoring his pleas, punishing him for his vulnerability (as their abusers did), and thus remaining identified with abuse and violence, rather than seeking out their true humanity. I recently saw a TV documentary in which a sex offender in his fifties was being interviewed in his jail cell. This man admitted to having committed multiple, horrendous sexual offenses against dozens of children. He discussed these acts in a nonchalant way, with no hint of remorse or sympathy for his victims. At one point, the interviewer asked, “Did your father ever abuse you as a child?” The man’s features suddenly dissolved into the frightened, sad, teary face of a scared little boy. The interviewer had caught him off guard, and for that Denver Photo Pro

he word vulnerability makes many men (and women) cringe. Many regard it only in the negative, scary sense of being helpless, open to attack or harm. But men urgently need to understand and reclaim vulnerability in its positive sense, because vulnerability is what allows us to connect with ourselves and the world. Consider the implications of identifying with the opposite extreme: invulnerability. To be invulnerable implies having no capacity to feel, or take in experience; to become purely rational, detached, robotlike. The fantasy of invulnerability, often expressed in images of superheroes, is a natural childhood defense that allows us to shield ourselves from the often scary, unprotected reality of our fragile human condition. But when adult men have a psychic need to cling to this fantasy, the results can be dangerous. Monstrous tyrants like Hitler and Stalin, as well as many more ordinary abusive men, warmongers, and terrorists, have in common the need to “murder” their own vulnerability. Acknowledging and feeling the ways they have been hurt is so threatening that these men organize their whole lives around avoiding it. But this is a difficult psychic task, because vulnerability is a core part of being human, and it won’t go away so easily. The psychic “trick” that allows men to murder their own vulnerability is projection. Rather than having the courage to feel their own feelings, to take responsibility for and heal their own pain, these men unconsciously avoid their human vulnerability by projecting it onto others: girlfriends, children, immigrants, “the Jews,” “those

one precious moment he had been overtaken by his own vulnerability, by that scared inner child crying out for help. Obviously embarrassed, the man quickly caught himself, replied, “Well, we don’t talk about that,” and resumed his invulnerable predator persona. That fleeting moment of connection to his vulnerability held the key that could have potentially transformed this man’s life, by opening the door back to the source of his suffering. But he lacked the courage and tools to follow through, and instead he slammed the door in the face of his abused inner child, and resumed the twisted identity of a monstrous predator.

Good Boundaries: The Secret to Positive Male Vulnerability

Winter 2008 •

Positive male vulnerability does not mean weakness. On the contrary, in order to be a truly positive force in our lives, vulnerability needs to be tempered by strong, healthy boundaries and comfort with ourselves. The source of our vulnerability is the inner child and man that wants to love and be loved, feel respected and seen, and feel a sense of community and belonging. It would be naive and self-defeating to leave these tender parts of our humanness totally unprotected. The world is full of unsafe places, people and situaWhat’s So Good tions, many of which are not the About Vulnerability? appropriate venues to express our In its positive psychologitenderness. Positive vulnerability “Far from being a weakness, cal sense, vulnerability connotes doesn’t mean that we allow others openness and receptivity to expeto abuse or take advantage of us. mature male vulnerability is rience. By embracing male vulThis is where good interperan act of supreme courage. nerability, we acknowledge that sonal boundaries and self-esteem True bravery is having the life is full of risk and hurt, and come in. Positive male vulneryet choose to remain present in ability must be tempered with strength to find the help we our humanness rather than shutstrength—the strength to say no, need to face and heal our ting down. Far from being an act to know when to walk away, to of weakness, mature male vulnerwounds, rather than buildknow one’s limits. Positive vulability is an act of supreme couring an inpregnable fortress nerability is a choice that a strong, age. True bravery is having the healthy man can make, knowing around them.” strength and commitment to find when it is okay to open up, drop the help we need to face and heal one’s guard, let the other in; and our wounds, rather than building conversely, when it is necessary an inpregnable fortress around them. It is taking the calculated risk to remain open, to to pull back and protect one’s inner resources. Many men take life in, with all its heartaches, disappointments, and (and women) have too much vulnerability without enough self-doubts, because only by taking this risk do we open ego strength; they may attract many potential partners ourselves to life’s possibilities, and our own potential: for with their openness and innocent, dreamy quality, but they lack the inner grit to take care of themselves, know love, beauty, self-knowledge, fascination and awe. Receptivity, or the ability to take in, is considered a their needs, or cultivate healthy mutual relationships. feminine trait, and is rejected as such by the culture of hyGood boundaries also apply to our relationship with permasculinity. But recently, cracks have emerged in this ourselves. Becoming receptive to our own feelings and armor, and the possibility of seeing receptivity as a sign of inner longings doesn’t mean allowing these parts of ourstrength is beginning to emerge for men. Receptivity im- selves to rule us and take over our lives. Like any relaplies true relationship with the outside (and inner) world; tionship, it’s about balance, and knowing and respecting instead of trying to dominate, or run away from, our own our needs; there’s a time for deep inner connection, and a uncomfortable feelings we instead take the risk of allow- time to take a break, play some hoops, read a book, shoot ing these feelings to come in, to influence, inform, and the breeze. affect us. Receptivity transforms men’s relationships in Men who truly embody strong, positive masculine every realm: our relationship with ourselves (specifically, vulnerability tend to be the types of guys that others in learning to know and respect our own feelings and expe- their community, male and female, are really drawn to. riences, rather than fearing and hating them and, thereby, Men who have a healthy dose of humility, do not make ourselves), our relationships with others (romantic and others feel inferior, and show a genuine curiosity and non-romantic), and our relationship to beauty, whether in warmth toward others are most often the men that othnature, art, or people. Receptivity unlocks the gates to ers look up to and want to be around. They are not weak joy, spirituality, creativity and love. men—they are men who have an inner strength, based

on self-awareness and acceptance, a gentle strength that invites, respects, and appreciates the presence of others, not a violent strength that sees others only as a means or an obstacle on the path toward fulfilling one’s needs.

• Voice Male

Media Images and the Search for Positive Role Models

There is a dearth of famous role models for positive male vulnerability. Perhaps because these men are so rare and needed, we tend to be very moved by their examples. A handful of men come to mind: Jesus, John Lennon, Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, Dr. Martin Luther King. These men are anything but weak, but they move us so much because they embody the core traits of positive male vulnerability: compassion, openness, humility, the courage to fight for human values, and love. Jesus’ core teachings of compassion, and his exhortation to “turn the other cheek,” were anything but expressions of weakness. Rather, his life example exposed the weakness of violence, and the unshakable strength of deeply human, divine values, our higher selves. John Lennon was an imperfect, struggling man like the rest of us, but he spoke strongly for peace, talked about men’s feelings and experiences, and wore his gentle, manly openness and kindness on his sleeve. Mandela spent 27 years in prison for opposing the brutal, unjust system of South African apartheid. Others might have emerged from that experience full of bitterness and a lust for revenge, but what makes Mandela so inspiring is that he did not let his abusers define him in that way. He met brutality, bigotry and violence not with weakness, but with the unshakable strength of positive male vulnerability—openness, dialogue, calm but firm insistence on the rightness of his cause. Gandhi’s nonviolent resistance campaign mobilized a nation, and ultimately won Indian independence from a powerful empire. Similarly, Dr. King used the power of his deeply compassionate personality, eloquence, and passion for justice, harnessed to a philosophy of Gandhian nonviolent resistance, to become the moral leader of the U.S. civil rights movement in the early 1960s, and unquestionably one of the most important and inspiring figures in all of U.S. history. Recently, we have begun to see some movement in the mainstream media toward greater acknowledgment of positive male vulnerability. Images of male athletes crying during moments of great triumph or bitter defeat are becoming more normative. Also, there is greater recognition of the off-field contributions sports “heroes” make to their families and communities. In general, I see a trend toward greater recognition of the role of fatherhood in children’s lives, and the importance of fathers’ being accepting and supportive (i.e., showing positive vulnerability) of their kids. Still, for every media image of positive male vulner-

ability, there are probably a dozen male characters who still exhibit the traditional male ideal à la John Wayne, Bruce Willis, or Captains Kirk or Piccard on Star Trek: completely in control at all times, tough, gruff, never talking about feelings or showing vulnerability in any way. When is the last time you can remember an inspiring model of positive male vulnerability being the main character in a TV series? Even more complex personalities like the doctor in the current TV series House seem to have to show some hard macho edges in order to be considered interesting enough for prime time. The enormous, untapped power of compassion, nonviolent resistance, humility, and commitment to justice may be the key to saving humanity from the fatal diseases of militarism and political/corporate greed, but apparently these traits still aren’t “sexy” enough to merit mainstream corporate sponsorship in our mass media.

Vulnerability and Male Sexuality

In the traditional ideal of male sexual conquest, sexuality becomes a vehicle to demonstrate our manliness by attracting and winning a beautiful female mate. Sex is then to be performed with manly detachment, athletic virility, coolness, and strength. In this grotesque caricature, sex is not about beauty, feeling, or love, but about the physical act of getting off and stroking our macho egos. There is a tremendous paradox in all this because in fact, no human act is innately more vulnerable than sexuality. The act of being sexual involves, at a minimum, opening ourselves up to feeling deep physical sensations of pleasure, and being literally and figuratively naked with another person. In cultural milieus where machismo is king, sexuality may be one of the only acceptable areas for men to feel and acknowledge pleasure. While there is, of course, an active element to male (and female) sexuality, much of the wonder of sex involves its receptive qualities: taking in all the wonderful feelings, receiving the beauty of our partner’s touch, being moved by the beauty of our partner’s body and soul, and enjoying giving him or her pleasure. All of these sexual treasures involve positive male vulnerability, in the sense of being open to our own sensuality and to the beauty and excitement of getting so close to another person. Positive male vulnerability allows us to explore the deepest mysteries of sexuality, the magical chemistry that happens when two people are both attracted, and deeply attuned, to each other. Being able to openly communicate our needs and wants, and to hear and be sensitive to the needs of a partner, can enhance sexual intimacy immensely. Moving beyond the Hollywood stereotype of the man who “knows exactly what to do” (and is secretly terrified that maybe he doesn’t!) opens whole new worlds of sexual and relational potential. Sexuality in this sense

offers the chance for a profoundly deep emotional connection, which for many men (and women) is a deeply spiritual experience. In a world of intense pressure and responsibility, all adults have an inner need and longing to “regress,” to express the tender, inner child part of ourselves that just wants to feel good, to be loved and held, to let go and let another person take care of us for a time. Freud had a name for the appropriate expression of this adult longing to let go: “regression in the service of the ego.” It isn’t about abandoning adult responsibility, but about knowing when it’s okay to give our inner child free rein. Caring, mutual sex can be a wonderful forum for filling these regressive needs, which may take the form of just wanting to hold a partner or be held; wanting to give or receive gentle caresses (overtly sexual or not); wanting to whisper sweet (or “naughty”) things to your partner or hear them whispered to you…and the list goes on. While hypermasculinity fears that such expressions are shameful or unmanly, many (if not most) women (and men) find such tender expressions to be very “manly” and quite a turn-on. Bringing a softness, along with a healthy, strong masculinity, to lovemaking invites your partner to also let down their guard a bit and allow their own regressive, inner child needs to come into play, with potentially luscious results.

Male Vulnerability and Society

In order to reach our true potential for growth and selffulfillment, satisfying relationships, and positive contributions to the health of the world, men need to reassess our attitude toward vulnerability. The failure of traditional Western male modes of dominance and cold rationality is painfully evident. In order to save our own souls, as well as the planet, we must begin to acknowledge our interdependence upon each other and upon the web of life. Native American spirituality holds that we are all part of the sacred hoop, and must regard each other, and all of creation, with humility and respect, while still walking our own paths with strength and courage. Strong male vulnerability affirms the importance of positive human values and relationships, while rejecting the cults of violence, detachment, and male dominance. VM

Winter 2008 •

Charlie Hertan, LICSW, is a psychotherapist, numismatist, writer, nature photographer, and two-time New England chess champion. He is currently writing a book on men and recovery from childhood emotional, physical, and sexual abuse and neglect. This article is an abridged version of one of the chapters of the book. He can be reached via his website, www.charliehertanphotography. com. All rights reserved.

www.newyorkjets.com

Anti-female Abuse and Football

The Goons of Gate D By Michael Kimmel

• Voice Male

remember my first Jets game, in 1968. A grateful patient had given my father tickets for the game against the Cincinnati Bengals at Shea Stadium. The crowd was animated and boisterous, and I was thrilled to be part of that Super Bowl season. Today I ask myself if I would even consider taking my son to a Jets game. Vicious harassment of women seems to be a regular halftime feature at Gate D of Giants Stadium. Instead of shouting “Let’s go Jets,” unruly male fans scream angrily and insistently at women to lift their shirts and show their breasts. If they don’t comply, they’re pelted with abuse or, worse, empty beer bottles. I don’t think this ugly, degrading chanting is something that my son needs to see on his way to becoming a man. According to news reports, it is so institutionalized that everyone around the stadium seems to know about it and security guards, charged with maintaining public safety, look the other way.

How did Gate D become such a gauntlet? Make no mistake: The goons are not motivated by sexual attraction to the women they target. They’re filled with contempt and anger. Screaming at women to reveal their breasts is not supposed to attract women but to repel them, to send them scurrying back to their seats. It’s a public humiliation that is designed to put women back in their place, to remind them that they may be on our turf, but it’s still our turf, and that they are still “just women.” Which begs the question: Why are these Jets fans so angry that they’d want to make women feel so vulnerable? Here’s a clue: This doesn’t happen to all women. Not to the wives or mothers or daughters walking past with their husbands or fathers. Not to the women who prepare and serve the food and beer at the concessions. Not to the women who sell or take your tickets, or those who lead the cheers, or those who hand out the promotional giveaways. It happens to the women who have the temerity

to believe that they have just as much right to watch a football game as a man does. All across our society, women have entered every public space once thought inappropriate: from the corporate boardroom to the trading floor, from the operating theater to the theater of military operations, from the firehouse to the factory, and from the soccer pitch to the hockey rink. Women are in the house—and the Senate. One of my favorite book titles in recent years is The Stronger Women Get the More Men Love Football by Mariah Burton Nelson. A former Stanford basketball star, Nelson shows that football has become another “cave” into which men have angrily and defensively retreated as women have, in their eyes, “invaded” the sports world. The football stadium is one of the last treehouses, one of the last all-male clubhouses. Maybe what the Goons of Gate D are really showing us is: The more women love football, the angrier men get. What lies underneath these guys’

rage is not the presence of women, but the presence of women as equals—as fans who are equally entitled to enjoy a game at Giants Stadium. It’s not women who get these guys so agitated. It’s equality. And they need to be told, clearly and unequivocally, that being a fan at a football game is a privilege to be enjoyed by anyone. These guys act like a pack of predatory animals because they know they can get away with it, because other guys don’t stop them. The journalist who broke the story observed security guards watching the proceedings, having a smoke and doing nothing to stop it. In fact, when he asked about it, the guards threatened him with arrest. When Patrick Aramini, New Jersey Sports & Exposition Authority vice president for security, parking and traffic, asks, “What do we do, arrest everybody that starts chant-

ing?” You can tell he doesn’t take this problem seriously. What if the men were all white and screaming racist epithets at blacks? Or yelling Nazi slogans to a bunch of Orthodox Jews? Would he be so passive? Not likely. The Jets’ management, security forces, and fans all need to learn the simplest of lessons: The gridiron knows no gender—anyone can enjoy football. The Jets’ season is over, but next year Aramini needs to station enough security guards at Gate D to stop the chanting immediately. And to arrest those who continue. Do it once, and you shouldn’t have to do it again. When they look the other way, at the orders of their supervisors, the security guards cease to be security guards. They’re just guys, bonding with the drunken goons, enjoying the free halftime show. In doing so, they do more than collude, more than

just enable and encourage. They stop doing their jobs. They become “insecurity” guards—fostering a lack of safety for some fans for the warped pleasure of others. Of course, there are thousands upon thousands of male fans at every football stadium in the country who treat women with respect. And, of course, any rational person wouldn’t be caught dead taunting women like that. Let’s hope that the Jets’ management and the authority act quickly and decisively to penalize all the participants—the fans, the complicitous security guards, and their supervisors—for unsportsmanlike conduct. VM

Voice Male advisory board member Michael Kimmel is a professor of sociology at Stony Brook University, and the author of the forthcoming Guyland: The Social World of Young Men, 16–26. This article originally appeared in Newsday. Used by permission.

Winter 2008 • 13

The Old White Man in the Clouds By Haji Shearer

• Voice Male

grew up thinking of God as an old white man, with a long white beard, wearing a flowing white robe, living above puffy white clouds. Then the Black Power movement kicked into high gear when I was about six years old. Like a powerful mental laxative, it loosened up some of the hardened bullshit that had already caked in my young mind. One of the ideas it reformatted was my notion of God. It took a while, because there is truth in the words of the Jesuit missionary Francis Xavier: “Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man.” Meaning, of course, that humans are most susceptible to brainwashing when we are children. It took me a long time to come to terms with that old white guy in the clouds. The image of God as an old white man was supplemented with the image of a young, white, hippie Jesus Christ. My youth corresponded with the heyday of the hippie, and I remember falling in love with the musical Godspell when my parents took me to see it. Unknowingly, I was yearning for an approachable God, and the play brought the Gospels to life in a way I could understand. Jesus Christ Superstar was another major media event that encouraged thoughts of God as a young white male. Except for the occasional wedding or funeral, the only church I attended as a child was an Episcopal one, with a big stained glass window behind the altar that showed a full body image of a Caucasian, long-

haired Jesus wearing a simple robe, a gentle lamb at his feet. In my earliest memories, a conservative white male cleric holds forth in front of the altar. As the neighborhood transitioned from mostly white to mostly black, an Afro-wearing black minister took his place. Alas, too late for me—during his tenure, I eventually won the ongoing argument with my mother and successfully bailed on the church, claiming it was full of hypocrites. I’m sure it was that image of the all-powerful white man sitting in the clouds that I was rejecting when I became an atheist for a short time in my teens. Soon after, though, I became fascinated with the doctrine of Rastafari, which proclaimed the divinity of Haile Selassie, the Ethiopian monarch from 1925 to 1975. Rastas hail Marcus Garvey as a modern-day John the Baptist who foretold the coming of a Black God, Emperor Selassie. This was heady stuff for a young black man who had grown up with ideas and images of only white gods. Growing up spiritually curious in urban America, I couldn’t escape the Nation of Islam’s declaration that another black (or, at least, a mysterious Middle Eastern looking) man, W. D. Fard, was God and Elijah Muhammad was his messenger. Digging a little deeper into that vein, I found Father Divine, the Five Percenters, Noble Drew Ali, and a whole assortment of black men claiming to be divine. Some of these guys had built large movements supporting their divinity. Even though I declined the Kool-Aid

Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni

A Journey of Spiritual Liberation

from any of these professed messiahs, my youthful thinking expanded to consider that black men too could be gods. These African-lineage Godmen, as well as more sedate black theologians, usurped the monopoly of the old white male God and the hippie Christ in my mind. Lots of people in my community proclaimed the “hair like wool” described in the Gospels as belonging to Jesus could only belong to a black man. Folks in this camp said Jesus was black or brown and that white racists had perverted the truth to make him a blond-haired, blue-eyed white. Considering the other foolishness I saw whites do in order to oppress blacks, this supreme deceit seemed within the realm of possibility. For years, I had a picture on my wall of a brown-skinned, dreadlocked Jesus to counteract some of the negative, race-based theology I was raised on. Around this time I was blessed with a deep meditation during which I realized that God was essentially energy and was everywhere, albeit more concentrated in some places than others. I became less fixated on the physical image of God and even began to understand why orthodox Muslims refrain from portraying any human representation of the divine. It would not be overstating the experience to say it was a dividing line in my life. I’ve spent the better part of three decades trying to incorporate the energy and love that I glimpsed as God’s true nature in my everyday life. It’s not always easy,

who try to control the planet that this body is both white and male. For me, it was liberating to see God inhabiting all people and all of nature. A deep hurt in my psyche was healed when I gave myself permission to see God as African, Indian, Chinese, or any other ethnic identity. Another wound I was hardly aware of healed when I chose to see God as not only male, but also female, as well as having transcended human gender characteristics and the body. As a man who respects and believes in women, this was an important paradigm shift. I had already abandoned my more blatant sexist thinking, but the revelation that there were feminine models of the Supreme caused me to honor women, not out of my magnanimity, but because of theirs. It’s an ongoing practice and I often slip. The challenge is not simply undoing sexist or racist thinking, it’s dismantling egocentric thought. I can easily think the world revolves around me, all my ideas are best and it’s in everyone’s best interest to exalt me. Sexism and racism are special forms of grandiosity that reinforce the egocentric thinking of privileged groups by promoting an erroneous cultural norm that says the world should revolve around men and whites. Deep reflection is the best cure I know for this dangerous form of mind game. When I reflect on the old white man in the clouds and my revelations about divinity, race and gender, I am happy to see Him smile, and another VM part of my psyche heals. Haji Shearer is on the National Advisory Board for Voice Male magazine. He has thought globally, acted locally, and visualized world peace. You can reach him at hajishearer@ juno.com.

Winter 2008 •

but it is always rewarding—at least And I liked the fact that unlike the in hindsight. Initially, I tried a macro tradition I grew up in, in Hinduism approach and tried to save the world. there were female representations of I joined a radical political organiza- God as well. Lakshmi, Kali, Sarastion trying to bring socialism to Af- wati and others had achieved the rica. Eventually that method seemed highest level of consciousness while too slow to honor the divine energy in female bodies. I had tapped into during the meditaIt took me a while to realize how tion. So I joined the Guardian An- significant this was. Very naturally, gels Safety Patrol and tried to stop I started noticing female representaviolent crime in my city. Soon, that tions of God in other traditions; Earth seemed too reactionary a tactic to pay homage to the divine energy I “In a white racist, knew in my better momale chauvinist society it’s ments was inside everyone and everything. essential that the most powThen I fell in love. erful, pervasive image of God Really in love. With a is that of a white male.” beautiful woman I was blessed to marry. I’ll — Haji Shearer spare you all the details of that brain-numbing, heart-expanding series of events. If you’ve been there, you Goddesses, Quan Yin, and Mother know. If you haven’t, you wouldn’t Mary all attracted my attention. At believe me. It dawned on me that our the same time I started noticing the relationship was somewhere I could lack of feminine energy in some relipractice incorporating this awareness gious systems. I was struck that the of the divine on a regular basis. It Christian Trinity includes the Father, was clear to me that the energy called the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and it “God” animated every living thing, dawned on me that the glaring lack yet I often got so angry with my of the Divine Feminine in that tridearest—animated by God, whom I umvirate was akin to the dominantloved—that it was sick, sad, confus- culture hocus-pocus of depicting ing and amusing. Around this time, God only as a white male. I began I also settled on a career where I was to think of the Holy Spirit as female privileged to work with people, help- to create some gender balance. The ing them fine-tune their relationships Heavenly Father, the Divine Mother, as another strategy to honor my med- and the Holy Son just made more itative experience. sense. Of course, that got me thinkI studied yoga, thinking it would ing of the Divine Daughter, and this help me ground this mystical aware- too was good. ness in my own nervous system. In this way, my conception of God Through this practice, I was intro- and my conception of women expandduced to the pantheon of Hindu dei- ed. In a white racist, male chauvinties. It was not a contradiction for ist society it’s essential that the most me to understand that Hindus were powerful, pervasive image of God is actually monotheists. It was appar- that of a white male. I don’t think the ent that all the various Hindu incar- Creator of our magnificent universe nations of God represented that same need be confined to one human body, underlying energy I had recognized but to the extent that God is idealized in my deep meditation years earlier. in a body it’s crucial to the white men

• Voice Male

F athering

Being “Mr. Mom”

Playground Vertigo By Jeremy Adam Smith

he day started ordinarily enough. I came home from my office at noon. My wife Shelly went to work. I took our toddler Liko to a café for lunch and then we strollered to the playground. From noon until 7:00 p.m. on weekdays, I’m a Mr. Mom—a term that bothers some stay-at-home dads as a knock on their masculinity. Personally, it doesn’t bother me. The reader will not be surprised to hear that I’m usually the only dad I see at Liko’s swim and music classes. I don’t mind that, either. After a period of adjustment, I came to accept the relative isolation that goes along with my role. But on the day in question we stepped through the playground gate into a parallel universe where the laws of gender bent and vanished (cue Twilight Zone theme): Liko and I found ourselves surrounded by. . . men. Three men playing with three toddlers. No women in sight. One dad left, but another arrived. At 1:00 p.m., it was still only dads and kids. Naturally, we dads compared notes about the unprecedented situation in which we found ourselves. It emerged that one of us was a full-time, stay-at-home dad but looking for a job; two of us had quit careers to take care of our kids, but still, out of necessity, worked part-time as freelancers; the fourth was finishing a Ph.D. All four of our wives worked more hours than we did. This was the second time around for the Ph.D., Nick; he has a two-year-old and a seven-year-old. “There are definitely more dads on the playgrounds now than there were five years ago,” Nick said. At about 1:30, the first mom arrived with her baby. Liko and I went

home for a nap. This incident raised the question: How many of us—and by “us” I mean men who are primary caregivers—are out there? The 2004 census says that there are 147,000 stay-at-home dads caring for 245,000 kids younger than 15. That’s about 1.7 percent of all U.S. parents who are taking care of children, a pretty marginal group, but it’s also double the number who stayed home in 1995, which suggests a trend. And the Bureau of Labor Statistics says that about two million dads work part-time for “noneconomic reasons” that include child care, a category into which I fit. Census data also show that homes headed by single dads are the fastest-growing family type. So what? Those numbers are still small, and it’s still mostly women taking care of children, often pulling double shifts as workers and mommies. If there is a trend toward more paternal involvement in child rearing—and there is, no question, and that’s a good thing—we should still keep it in perspective. When Father’s Day rolls around, we stay-at-home dads are the freaks. I’m happy to fly my freak flag, while acknowledging that today it’s hard for any parent, male or female, to find enough time for their children. In her report “One Sick Child Away From Being Fired: When Opting Out Is Not an Option,” UC Hastings law professor Joan C. Williams found that only 16 percent of working-class families enjoy the luxury of having one stay-at-home parent. Williams discovered many, many examples of blue-collar workers (mostly women, but some men) who were fired for offenses like being three minutes late because of a child’s

asthma attack. For many moms and dads, staying home is not an option, and a “balance” between work and family is not possible. What whitecollar workers gain in flexibility, they often lose in boundaries: How many of us have spent evenings and weekends massaging PowerPoints and spreadsheets? Most stay-at-home dads I’ve met are relatively privileged, creative guys doing what they want to do, and they’re happy doing it. “None of us at-home fathers go into it in order to be some sort of social role model,” says Stephen de las Heras, 38, a digital artist who lives in Manhattan and is the primary caregiver to his fouryear-old son. “We don’t deserve medals. At least not for that. If anything, the correct response from people would be a completely neutral one. But we do have to put up with some shit from the less enlightened crowd, and face some additional obstacles in a mom-centric world. For that, a pat on the back once in a while can be nice, but is not required.” Exactly. In my view, dads-athome are significant primarily to the degree they are bellwethers of a wider change in the culture, toward more flexible definitions of masculinity and femininity. Thanks to feminism—which has tried to teach us to ride the shockwave created by massive economic change—women now have more choices. So do men. When I was born in 1970, my parents debated only whether my mom would work or stay at home. “We opted for her to stay home,” says my father, Dan. “That was the question of the day. The idea that a mother could have a career and be a mom was the radical thought of the time. The option for Dad to stay home was not considered. If it was, nobody told me, and the thought never entered my head.” Since then, families have changed a great deal. In 1970, men spent three hours a week on child care. In 2000,

Vicky Andriotis

F athering

measure myself against women I see as successful mothers. Does that make me effeminate? Is there a reason why I should care? I’m not replacing my wife, who is Liko’s mother. For seven or so hours a day, I’m simply adopting a role that in my father’s day was automatically assigned to the biological female. In caregiving I have found enormous, vertiginous freedom. In many respects, a man out in the middle of the afternoon with his toddler, who is known to neighbors and neighborhood shop clerks and waitresses as a “Mr. Mom,” is a man in drag, and queer in the most political sense of the term. That’s fine with me. Yes, I’ve gotten criticism from relatives (“A man is supposed to support his family, and a woman is supposed to stay home”). I’ve also gotten sneering reactions to my blog and articles about stay-at-home daddyhood. “It’s hard to believe this dude was capable of procreating,” writes one blogger about me. “I’m thinking a turkey baster was involved.” I know that I’m facing an uphill battle when I get back into the full-time job market. I’d be lying if I claimed that I have no doubts.

But mostly, I don’t care what anybody says. When Liko and I are blasting Yo La Tengo or the Strokes or Blondie (his favorites—he has a thing for punk, new wave and indie pop; anything that bounces, really) and I’m dancing and he’s careening down the hall, arms flailing, hopping from one foot to the other, and then he runs up and hugs my leg and yells “Dada!”—life can’t get any better. I helped make a new life, and that’s staggering: a new human being, and a new life for me. I don’t want to give him to a nanny or day care; as much as possible, I want to take care of him and see him grow. Many dads, both breadwinners and caregivers, seem to share my desire. A 2006 careerbuilder.com survey found that 40 percent of guys would consider staying at home with their kids. A 2004 Spike TV poll put that number at a fantastical sounding 56 percent. Though the exact numbers are questionable (why should anybody trust a Spike TV survey?), it reveals a para-numerical truth about changing attitudes. I suspect the number of dads-at-home will continue to grow and I’ll keep getting more and more continued on page 26

Winter 2008 •

they spent seven hours a week taking care of kids—that’s up 62 percent from 1995. During the same 30-year period, the time women spent on child care remained roughly constant at around 13 hours a week. Meanwhile, divorce became normal, more moms went to work, same-sex couples started families, and many heterosexual couples decided not to marry even after having children together. According to Yale University professor Kyle Pruett, nearly two-thirds of the kids born in the last three years of the 20th century will reach the age of 18 in “a non-nuclear family configuration.” The 21st-century dad can be single, queer, straight, stay at home . . . she can even be a “lesbian dad” who earns the money that supports her wife and children. (If you doubt me, check out blogs like Lesbiandad.net or icallherjohn.blogspot.com) Families are evolving. So are men and ideas of masculinity. Conservatives (and some feminists) argue that men are by nature conquerors, breadwinners, and emotional dolts. But when Canadian sociologist Andrea Doucet studied stay-at-home dads, what constantly surprised her about these fathers “were these clear and loud male voices speaking in what scholars would call a ‘language of care’ or an ‘ethic of care’ that embraces qualities of relationality, connections, interdependence, responsiveness, and responsibility.” As numerous studies are revealing, it seems that biology is not destiny. “Could it be that when men speak in a language of care,” writes Doucet in her book Do Men Mother?, “it creates a sense of social and political vertigo?” In caring for Liko, never have I felt more secure in my masculinity; at the same time, never have I felt less “masculine.” I’m learning, slowly, to let go of the link between my self-worth and the contribution I make at work; more and more, I

GBQ R esources

For more info or to submit new entries for GBQ Resources contact us at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 33 or gbq@mrcforchange.org AIDS CARE/Hampshire County Contact: (413) 586-8288. Buddy Program, transportation, support groups and much more free of charge to people living with HIV. AIDS Project of Southern Vermont Contact: (802) 254-8263. Free, confidential HIV/AIDS services, including support, prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities. T.H.E. Men’s Program (Total HIV Education) Contact: Alex Potter (802) 254-8263, Brattleboro, VT. Weekly/monthly social gatherings, workshops, and volunteer opportunities. Email: men@sover.net Bereavement Group for Those Who Have Lost Same-Sex Partners For individuals who have lost a same-sex partner. 2nd Thursday of each month from 7-9 pm at the Forastiere Funeral Home, 220 N. Main St, E. Longmeadow, MA 01028; year-round, walk-in group with no fee or pre-registration; bereavement newsletter also available. For more information, call (413) 525-2800. East Coast Female-to-Male Group Contact: Bet Powers (413) 584-7616, P.O. Box 60585 Florence, Northampton, MA 01062, betpower@yahoo.com. Peer support group open to all masculine-identified, female-born persons – FTMs, transmen of all sexual orientations/identities, crossdressers, stone butches, transgendered, transsexuals, non-op, pre-op, post-op, genderqueer, bi-gendered, questioning – and our significant others, family, and allies.Meetings 2nd Sundays in Northampton, 3-6 p.m. Free Boyz Northampton Social/support meetings for people labeled female at birth who feel that’s not an accurate description of who they are. Meet 1st and 3rd Mondays, 7 p.m. at Third Wave Feminist Booksellers, 90 King St., Northampton.

• Voice Male

Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Men’s Support Group Drop-in, peer-facilitated. Monday, 7-9 p.m. Men’s Resource Center, 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA. For information: Allan Arnaboldi, (413) 253-9887, ext. 33.

Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project Provides community education and direct services to gay, bisexual, and transgendered male victims and survivors of domestic violence. Business: (617) 354-6056. 24-hour crisis line provides emotional support, safety planning, crisis counseling, referrals, and emergency housing: (800) 832-1901. www. gmdvp.org or email: support@gmdvp.org Gayellow Pages US/Canada Annual print directory of resources (business and organizational) for the GLBTQI in USA and Canada, sold in gay-friendly

bookstores since 1973. Published by Renaissance House, PO Box 533, Village Station, New York, NY 10014-0533. Voice & fax (646) 213-0263; e-mail gypages@ gmail.com; www.gayellowpages.com Generation Q (formerly Pride Zone) A Program for GBQ youth. Open Thursdays, 4-9, for drop-in and a support group. Open Fridays, 4-9, for drop-in and pizza. Contact info: 413-582-7861 Email: apangborn@communityaction.us GLAD (Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders) Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders is New England’s leading legal rights organization dedicated to ending discrimination based on sexual orientation, HIV status and gender identity and expression. Contact: 30 Winter St., Suite 800, Boston, MA 02108. Tel: (617) 426-1350, Fax: (617) 426-3594, gladlaw@glad.org, www.glad.org. Legal Information Hotline: (800) 455-GLAD (4523). GLAD’s Legal Information Hotline is completely confidential. Trained volunteers work one-on-one with callers to provide legal information, support and referrals within New England.Weekday afternoons, 1:304:30; English and Spanish. GLASS (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Society) GLBT Youth Group of Franklin County Meets every Wednesday evening in Greenfield. Info: (413) 774-7028. HIV Testing Hotline AIDS Action Committee in Boston provides referral to anonymous, free or lowcost HIV testing/counseling sites: (413) 235-2331. For Hepatitis C information and referral: (888) 443-4372. Both lines are staffed M-F 9am-9pm and often have biand tri-lingual staff available. Men’s Health Project Education, prevention services, and counseling for men’s health issues, especially HIV/AIDS. Springfield, Northampton, Greenfield. Tapestry Health Services. Contact: Bob (413) 747-5144. www.tapestryhealth.org or email rainbowmsm@aol.com Monadnock Gay Men A website that provides a social support system for gay men of Keene and the entire Monadnock Region of Southwestern NH. www.monadnockgaymen.com or email monadgay@aol.com PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) of Springfield/Greater Springfield Educational information and support for the parents, families, and friends of Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals, and Transgendered People. Contact info: MssEnn@aol.com,

Judy Nardacci, 413-243-2382 or Elizabeth Simon, 413-732-3240 Rainbow Resources of New Hampshire Free online access to networking, educational and referral information to and about the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered and allied community of New Hampshire; Gay Lifeline, a PDF file of our entire database of community information; order a spiral-bound hard copy of the current Gay Lifeline Directory by sending $10 to Rainbow Resources, 26 S. Main Street, Box 181, Concord, NH 03301. Safe Homes: the Bridge of Central Massachusetts Providing support and services to gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender youth via a weekly Drop-In Center, community outreach system and peer leadership program. Based in Worcester, serving all towns in region. 4 Mann Street Worcester, Massachusetts 01602 Phone: 508.755.0333 Fax: 508.755.2191 Web: www.thebridgecm.org/programs.htm Email: info@thebridgecm.org SafeSpace SafeSpace provides information, support, referrals, and advocacy to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning (LGBTQQ) survivors of violence and offers education and outreach programs in the wider community. P.O. Box 158, Burlington, VT 05402. Phone: 1-802-863-0003; toll-free 1-866869-7341. Fax: 1-802-863-0004. www.safespacevt.org or email: safespace@ru12.org The Stonewall Center University of Mass., Amherst. A lesbian, bisexual, gay, and transgender educational resource center. Contact: (413) 545-4824, www.umass.edu/stonewall. Straight Spouse Network Monthly support group meets in Northampton, MA, the first Tuesday from 6-8 p.m. For spouses, past and present, of lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered partners. Contact: Jane Harris for support and location, (413) 625-6636; janenrosie@hotmail.com. Confidentiality is assured. The Sunshine Club Support and educational activities for transgendered persons. Info: (413) 586-5004. P.O. Box 564, Hadley, MA 01305. www.thesunshineclub.org or email: rsteel@att.net VT M4M.net Dedicated to promoting the overall good health of Vermont’s gay and bisexual men, as well as those who are transgender, by providing information, resources, and a calendar of events for gay, bisexual, questioning, and transgendered men. www.vtm4m.net

When a Loved One Comes Out P. Kruger

tionship with your GLBT loved one. 5. Discovering growth from your newfound openness in your relationship with your loved one and others as well.

O ut L ines

By Allan Arnaboldi

Overwhelmed

stranger, someone you didn’t know so well after all. Integrating the “new” identity of your gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered loved one does not happen overnight. And that is important for each to keep in mind in looking for understanding and support from the other. (Throughout this article when I refer to your child, it could apply to any family member or close friend.) I like to refer to the stages of coming out as the Five “O’s”: 1. Feeling overwhelmed by the news about your loved one’s GLBT identity. 2. Considering the options regarding accepting your loved one’s new identity. 3. Experiencing the impact of the attitudes of other people … the naysayers/crazy-makers versus the supporters. 4. Recognizing the opportunities that are now available to you in your rela-

Winter 2008 •

t’s Christmas vacation and your son is home from college to spend time with the family. He seems quieter than usual, and then one evening he takes a deep, slow breath and says, “Mom, Dad…can we talk?” Right away, you know something serious is up and you conjure up all sorts of scenarios, yet you want to be there and be supportive of him, whatever it is. “Sure, son. What’s up?” “I’m gay.” So what happens when a loved one “comes out” as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered (GLBT)? I believe that there is a process that most people go through, regardless of whether the news hits you like a ton of bricks out of the blue or it confirms what you have guessed already. Something very significant has changed. Your child has a “new” identity and he may seem like a

As a gay man, I remember being concerned about coming out to my family, particularly to my parents. I didn’t feel like I fit into the stereotypes that I had grown up with, even though I knew I felt different, actually even weird in some ways. I didn’t hate women, I didn’t want to swish around, and I didn’t want to dress up in women’s clothes. I wanted to be married and have a family. Since I had married and had a daughter as well, I was worried about whether I would lose my family and would lose the relationship with my wife and daughter that had made my life fulfilling on many levels. But was I destined to be unhappy trying to be something that I was not? All sorts of fears and challenges came up for me. Will I lose my job and my home and become isolated from family, friends, and coworkers if I don’t hide my identity? If I leave my marriage, will I become a pariah? Will I be alone or have to find connections secretly and always be afraid of being exposed? Many people whose children “come out” to them also go through a period of confusion. Often the news takes them totally by surprise. Either they were so into denial and did not see any of the signs or their own stereotypes of GLBT people were counter to their image of their own children, making it hard to accept this new identity. Many ask themselves, “What did I do wrong?” The child I thought I knew “no longer exists.” My child will never

• Voice Male 20

marry and have children and will be If your child is very present in dispelled as your network expands. You may find relief in not having alone. I won’t have any grandchildren. your daily life, his/her decision to be open about his/her identity may not to hide any longer. You and your child I fear for my child’s physical safety and emotional well-being. What about leave you the option to keep it a se- may be more authentic and communiAIDS? What will others think of me? cret. What will you do if your child cative about who each of you really is. How embarrassed and ashamed will I wants to stay “closeted”? If you and/ When you are not trying to fit a mold, or your child choose to keep this in- you can become more complete, feel if others find out? Even if you are not totally sur- formation secret, you may have to genuine, fulfilled individuals who prised, some of these concerns may tell lies, be cautious in your choice can honor your own personal values. Your relationships with famcome up. In addition, there ily and friends go deeper and are the emotional reacare richer. You become less tions of sadness (why did likely to “judge a book by its my child have to carry this Many people whose children “come cover,” but instead look for burden alone?), disappointout” to them go through a period the real person within. ment (why didn’t s/he trust of confusion. Often the news takes me enough to talk with me Openness sooner?), and doubt (how them totally by surprise. Either they The benefits of coming can s/he be so sure?). were so into denial and did not see out can open you up to be a more complete person in othany of the signs or their own stereoOptions er ways, not just in terms of You might choose to deny types of GLBT people were counter sexual orientation and gender the truth and try to sweep it to their image of their own children, identity. By being more auunder the rug, hoping that thentic and communicative, it will just disappear. You making it hard to accept this new you may bring more openmight try to convince your identity. ness to new relationships and child that “this can’t be true deepen those that you have because …” or that with the already. You will learn how help of a therapist or some stereotypes of any kind are special program s/he can change, be of language, or withhold informaoppressive to all and can keep you “normal,” and lead a happy life. If tion. It’s challenging to keep track from connecting with others in a your spiritual or cultural beliefs tell of whom you have told what and to more genuine way. you that anything other than tradiavoid certain topics of conversation. When we let our hearts lead the tional heterosexuality is wrong, you If you do choose to be up front about way, it does not matter whether the might choose to disown your child if your child’s identity, you and/or your people we love are gay, lesbian, bis/he does not change to live her/his child may be judged, harassed, even sexual, transgendered, or straight life as a straight person. On the other rejected and excluded. or any other identity for that matter. hand, you might embrace your GLBT When we get down to the heart of the child out of love and honor his/her Opportunities matter, our uniqueness and our diverand your own values of honesty, inIf and when you “come out,” you sity are what make our lives richer tegrity, unconditional love, and nurwill find out who your true friends VM and make the world go round. turance, even when there is concern are. You may break your isolation for his/her safety and well-being. and make connection with others MRC office manager Allan Arnaboldi who also have GLBT loved ones. is a certified professional co-active Other People You could find surprising support coach who was trained through the You cannot avoid the impact of the and in turn provide support to oth- Coaches Training Institute. He has a attitudes of other family members, ers who are also struggling. Who do friends, neighbors, and coworkers. particular interest in doing individual you want to be around—the naysayHow will those people react toward and group coaching with GLBT peoers, the crazy-makers, or the supportyou and/or your child if and when ers? You can live in a narrow, closed ple, youth, and those making transithey learn of his/her GLBT identity? community or become part of a more tions in later stages of life. Contact There are decisions to be made, some diverse, open community. It may be him at allan4a6@charter.net; webbased on choice and others that are eye-opening to see stereotypes being site heart-to-heart.interfaceias.com out of your control.

R esources Men’s Resources (Resources for Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Men, see page 21) International Society for Men’s Health and Gender P.O. Box 144, A-1097, Vienna, Austria/ EUROPE Phone: +43 1 4096010, Fax: +43 1 4096011 www.ismh.org or office@ismh.org Montreal Men Against Sexism c/o Martin Dufresne 913 de Bienville Montreal, Quebec H2J 1V2 CANADA 514-563-4428, 526-6576, 282-3966 Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England.

Fathers

www.divorcehq.com www.divorcenet.com www.divorce-resource-center.com www.divorcesupport.com Collaborative Divorce www.collaborativealternatives.com www.collaborativedivorce.com www.collaborativepractice.com www.nocourtdivorce.com Dads and Daughters www.dadsanddaughters.org The Fathers Resource Center www.slowlane.com National Fatherhood Initiative www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet

Internet Resources Brother Peace http://www.eurowrc.org/01.eurowrc/04.eurowrc_ en/36.en_ewrc.htm

Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar association lawyer referral agency. In Mass. the number is (800) 392-6164. Here are some websites that may be of use to you: www.dadsrights.org (not www.dadsrights.com)

EuroPRO-Fem: European Menprofemist Network www.europrofem.org or city.shelter@skynet.be or traboules@traboules.org

www.directlex.com/main/law/divorce/ www.divorce.com www.divorcecentral.com

Men Can Stop Rape www.mencanstoprape.org

Looking to Connect? Tr y t h e M R C ’s D r o p - i n M e n ’s S u p p o r t G r o u p s IN NORTHAMPTON

Open to all men. Tuesdays, 7-9 PM First Churches, 129 Main St.

Men Against Violence http://www.unesco.org/cpp/uk/projects/wcpmenaga.htm

Men for HAWC http://www.danverspolice.com/domviol9.htm The Men’s Bibliography A comprehensive bibliography of writing on men, masculinities, gender, and sexualities, listing over 14,000 works. It’s free at: http://mensbiblio.xyonline.net/ Men’s Health Network http://www.menshealthnetwork.org/

Men’s Initiative for Jane Doe, Inc. www.mijd.org Men’s Resource Center for Change www.mrcforchange.org Men’s Resources International www.mensresourcesinternational.org Men Stopping Violence http://www.menstoppingviolence.org/index.php Mentors in Violence Prevention http://www.sportinsociety.org/mvp National Men’s Resource Center www.menstuff.org National Organization for Men Against Sexism www.nomas.org;Bostonchapterwww.nomasboston.org National Association of Men and Women Committed to Ending Violence Against Women www.acalltomen.org 100 Black Men, Inc. www.100blackmen.org White Ribbon Campaign www.whiteribbon.com;www.theribbonlady.com XY Magazine www.xyonline.net Pro-feminist men’s web links (over 500 links) www.xyonline.net/links.shtml Pro-feminist men’s politics, frequently asked questions www.xyonline.net/misc/pffaq.html Pro-feminist e-mail list (1997– ) www.xyonline. net/misc/profem.html Homophobia and masculinities among young men www.xyonline.net/misc/homophobia.html

Magazines Achilles Heel (from Great Britain) www.achillesheel.freeuk.com

IN AMHERST

Open to all men. Sundays, 7-9 PM at the MRC IN GREENFIELD

Open to all men. Wednesdays, 7-9 PM Network Chiropractic, DHJones Building, Mohawk Trail FOR GAY, BISEXUAL & QUESTIONING MEN

Open to all gay, bisexual, gay-identified F-to-M trans men & men questioning orientation Mondays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC FOR MEN WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED CHILDHOOD NEGLECT AND/OR ABUSE

FACILITATED BY TRAINED VOLUNTEERS FREE & CONFIDENTIAL

MEN’S RESOURCE CENTER 236 N. PLEASANT ST., AMHERST

(413) 253-9887, ext. 10

support@mrcforchange.org

Winter 2008 •

Open to all men who have experienced any form of childhood neglect and/or abuse (physical, emotional or sexual) Fridays, 7-9PM, at the MRC

• Voice Male 22

The Starbucks Intervention By Greg Bortnichak

’m the kind of twenty-something guy you would expect to work in a coffee shop. I play guitar and cello in an experimental punk band and have some cool downloads on Myspace. I’m tall and lean, with an explosive mess of dark hair that makes me look like the love child of Edward Scissorhands and Blacula. Most people correctly guess that I’m artistic and a bit to the political left. What they may not realize is that I am a self-defined male feminist. Being a feminist is mighty powerful stuff because staying true to ideals about equality and justice involves consciously altering the way I behave. The bottom line is that I try to reject personal acts of subjugation, and I do my best to combat the systems that enable others to be oppressive. As the saying goes, the personal is political. My brand of feminism is all about not imposing patriarchal power on the women in my life, and hoping to set an example for the boys and men I meet. From the time I was seven and too short to play ball with big kids, to the time I was 13 and too sensitive to party with the cool kids, to now when I struggle with masculinist ideology, I have always felt that the dominant culture only truly benefits a select few. So I do my best to reject it. I do it for me. I do it for my partner, and for every man who feels alienated by the expectations that culture places on guys who do not quite fit the “man’s man” mold. I do it for anyone who feels constrained by the music videos on MTV because they see both women and men reduced to sexual commodities. But the question remains, how do I do my feminism? And, more important, how am I a male feminist? It’s tricky. And the truth is that a lot of the time I feel friction between

Lahri Bond

Voices of Youth

Dilemmas of a Feminist Male

being a man and being a feminist. Problems come up when I want more than anything to take feminist action—to act in defense of someone who is being victimized by patriarchal power—but my aid is unwelcome or inappropriate or potentially does more political harm than good. Allow me to illustrate: I work at Starbucks. I spend roughly 20 hours each week serving coffee to strangers, sometimes as many as several hundred each day. And you better believe I see it all. Customers reveal all kinds of personal details. So do my coworkers. I put up with a lot from them: sexist and racist jokes, routine descriptions of masculinist sexploitation, flat-out ridicule for my feminist views. And at the end of the day when my feet feel like they’re ready to fall off and my entire body reeks of espresso grinds, I think back and try to make sense of it. One day a customer comes in and begins telling us about this scheme he has to buy a wife. What he really wants to do is hire a housekeeper,

but he thinks it’s funnier if he tells us that he’s “wife shopping” today. He complains about doing housework, saying he’d pay a cute, young girl 20 bucks an hour to do his chores for him rather than do them himself, or worse, get remarried to have yet another woman sit at home all day, take his money, and bitch at him when gets home from work. He keeps saying there is nothing worse than married life, to which the guys I’m working with chuckle in agreement. The only girl working at the time, Joy, is offended. She tells the customer that marriage won’t be bad at all for her husband—she will do all the housework and more (wink, wink). For free. Joy wants to be a housewife, and she gives me a hard time for being feminist. The customer tells Joy that she’s sweet but that she won’t be sweet forever. He’s expecting his purchased “wife” to be totally obedient and pleasant every hour of every day. Then, as an afterthought, he mentions that he has no problem getting his “nondomestic” (wink, wink) needs met elsewhere

closure or justice. I had to wonder what it meant that I defended Ana instead of simply bringing her attention to what was happening. Did my chivalrous feminism reflect some duty I feel to protect her? And if so, does that mean that on some level I think she is incapable of protecting herself? Even worse, what if my actions actually revealed a sense of possession or ownership over Ana? And what about that burst of anger I felt? How stereotypically masculine to feel angry in light of something another man did to my girlfriend. This encounter with the silverhaired man raises so many difficult questions for me about whether profeminist men ought to step in to help women or instead focus our efforts on enabling women to protect themselves. On the night of the scuffle in Starbucks, Ana happened to be wearing a gorgeous dress that was short, with a very low neckline. She has gotten upset in the past over men leering at her when she wears this dress. Sometimes I think about gently suggesting to Ana that she shelve the dress, but I don’t think it’s my place to say so. I do not want Ana to continue feeling violated by these tactless creeps but, at the same time, I do not want her to compromise her own sense of beauty, self-expression, and sexuality. I also don’t want to be perceived as controlling or paternalistic. It is not Ana’s fault that some men feel it’s their right to stare crudely at young women. But still, it upsets Ana, and it happens less when she does not wear this particular dress. It is clear who is at fault. It’s the voyeurs like that silver-haired man at Starbucks. But if men like that deny responsibility, and if women have the right to wear whatever they damn well please, and if I happen to see what’s going on, then shouldn’t I step in and speak my mind? I’ve run into a dilemma: It’s true continued on page 26

Winter 2008 •

a scene. “I think she should get used to it,” he replies. There is no hint of apology in his tone. It’s like I’m wrong for telling him not to lech at a girl who could be his fucking granddaughter! I glare at him like I want to burn a hole in his face with my eyes and growl, “I think you need to learn a little respect.” He leaves. I’m shaking. I go to Ana and ask her if she saw what just transpired. She says no, that she was completely unaware. When I tell her what happened she is visibly upset. She thanks me for sticking up for her and waits for me to finish my shift without returning to her homework. The woman in line behind the silver-haired man approaches me before leaving and wishes me goodnight, smiling at me in a way that I could only interpret as solidarity. That night I had nightmares about the silver-haired man. He was so ruthless in how he visually dismembered Ana that he put me in touch with a very distinct fear. No one had ever made me so mad, or provoked such a reaction from me. But was it even my place to step in on Ana’s behalf? Was I being overprotective? Despite Ana’s appreciation for my fast action, I still could not get this encounter out of my mind. The silver-haired man obviously saw nothing wrong with what he did. I even had a coworker poke fun at me for bothering that “poor old man.” The woman in line behind the silver-haired man was my best assurance—as iffy as it was—that speaking up was the right thing to do. Yet I could not help but feel unsettled about how I chose to respond. After all, I don’t doubt that if Ana looked up at the right time, she would have reacted more strongly and defended herself far better than I. And if Ana had been the one to terminate the encounter, perhaps she would have a stronger feeling of

Voices of Youth

for not much more than it’s going to cost him to buy this wife of his. Later, my girlfriend, Ana, decides to come by and do some homework, keeping me company as I work. She is sitting alone in a far corner, completely engrossed in her studies. A man with slicked-back silver hair, white guy, probably in his fifties, and appearing to be quite wealthy (gold jewelry, designer golf shirt, the works) steps into line and begins staring at Ana. He makes no effort to hide this, and gets out of line to walk around behind her and get a better look. Then he gets back into line and cranes his neck to see down her shirt and up her dress. I see all of this, and I’m simultaneously disgusted and pissed off. He’s such trash. I would love to call him out, or lay him out right then and there, but I risk losing my job if I’m rude to the customers. So I bite my tongue. It gets to be his turn in line and he still won’t stop staring at her, not even to place his order. He’s holding up the line, people behind him are starting to get flustered, and I lose it. “What’s so interesting over there, sir? You seem to be looking very intently at something,” I ask as innocently as I possibly can. “That girl in the corner,” he says like he’s ready to eat her. He doesn’t take his eyes off Ana once. “Oh yeah, what do you think?” I’m trying now to sound as sleazy as I possibly can in an attempt to lead him to believe that I’m going along with the shameless objectification of Ana. “I think she’s a real pretty girl in that little dress of hers.” He licks his ugly thin lips and makes a face that screams “pervert.” I’ve caught him red-handed at his patriarchal bullshit, and at this point, I’m done: “Well, I think she’s a friend of mine, and I think she’d feel violated if she knew you were staring at her like that.” I say it low and threateningly beneath my breath so as not to cause

Capitalregionusa.org

From Violent Past to a Life of Peacemaking

The Winds of Peace By Pip Cornall

• Voice Male

y first experience of violence occurred when I was a young boy. The first hard hit from my father’s hand exploded in my head as the tears ran down my face. Up until this turning point I’d received only love and care from my parents. Now everything had changed, and I realized life would never be the same again. Perhaps that is when the rage began building within me until it became a volcano ready to erupt. It built steadily over the years each time I was hit, and each time I saw my mother beaten by my dad. Years later my own rage erupted as violence against my wife, the woman I loved. I realized with horror that what I hated in my father was now emerging in me. It was like a cancer inherited through the genes. I felt great shame and selfhatred that I’d become like him, and

was really afraid that this cancer might be incurable, since I was in my forties at the time. With great trepidation I began the long journey to defuse the time bomb inside me and learn new behavioral skills. I invested a fortune in therapy and workshops. For more than a decade I learned violence prevention and nonviolent communication skills. I became a mediator and worked with gang kids in school programs and inside juvenile detention centers. Later I was a mediator in the juvenile justice systems in Australia and the United States. Jump forward to February 2007, when a full circle was completed for me in Washington, DC. Bitter arctic winds blasted the nation’s capital that month, but my heart was warm as I leaned into the gusts and hastened to Capitol Hill to promote

the Department of Peace Bill. This truly was a day to remember and a personal achievement for me and my very supportive community. Seven hundred of us paid 220 visits to senators’ and representatives’ offices in this well-prepared national campaign to wage peace. We passionately shared our desires and arguments for the peace bill, stating that thousands more like us back in our communities have been saying no to war with increasingly loud voices. We cited the Global Alliance for Departments of Peace in 20 countries, as evidence of a tsunami of peace-minded global citizens, an evolution occurring in the hearts and minds of millions worldwide. We reminded our politicians that the bill would establish a cabinet-level department of peace and nonviolence to give much-needed assistance to efforts by communities and state governments in coordinating existing violence prevention programs, as well as to develop new programs based on best practices nationally. These practices include teaching violence prevention and mediation to America’s schoolchildren; effectively treating and dismantling gang psychology; rehabilitating the U.S. prison population—the world’s largest; building peacemaking efforts among conflicting cultures both here and abroad; supporting our military with complementary approaches to peacebuilding; and creating a U.S. Peace Academy—a sister organization to the United States Military Academy at West Point. I tell this story for a number of reasons. I’m not proud that I have been violent with women. I’m ashamed and horrified that I hurt a living soul, let alone the ones I most loved. I am proud, however, that I have done much to embrace a personal culture of peace and nonviolence and I’m glad to have broken

outside school walls. SPA chapters support the Department of Peace through grassroots organizing, lobbying, and working to support cultures of peace on their campuses and in local communities. I’m sure that I would have joined a movement like that when I was young, and perhaps the violence that emerged in me many years later would have been healed and nobody would have been hurt. I feel good about supporting an organization like Voice Male’s pub-

lisher, the Men’s Resource Center (MRC), that is dedicated to healing the rage and potential violence in men. In alerting readers to the possibility of a Department of Peace, we make real a source of funding and coordination for many organizations like the MRC. It is wonderful to be partnered with thousands of similar groups worldwide who are working to prevent violence through a holistic approach. This excites me because a holistic method is more effective than the reductionist approach we have been using. Preventing or ending one war is great, but to treat the causes of all wars is more powerful. Similarly, we need to treat the root causes of domestic violence, gang violence, and international terrorism—we need a whole systems approach, and that includes seriously

working to improve ourselves. Just as we can prevent disease in ourselves by addressing the deep causes, so we can treat the disease of violence in ourselves and in the world. I find it useful to remember that the men who implement war policies are probably deeply wounded as I was. My inner work is to create a psychological bridge to them, to hold them as brothers who can heal the pain behind their beliefs and policies. Meanwhile, I am continuing to leverage my violent past and have chosen, among other peace work that I do, to throw my efforts behind the global groundswell of people campaigning to create Departments and Ministries of Peace worldwide. If you are a man or woman with a background like mine or simply want to support a national and international people’s movement with a very concrete plan to establish a lasting culture of peace, then please visit the websites listed below: US Department of Peace site: http:// www.thepeacealliance.org/ The global site: http://www.peoplesinitiativefordepartmentsofpeace.org/ VM

Voice Male contributor Pip Cornall is a mediator with families, couples, and young offenders and their parents in the Juvenile Detention Center, and with other programs for Mediation Works in Medford, Oregon. See www.communitypeacemaking.com. Pip’s other area of interest is gender violence prevention and he is a speaker, writer, and workshop facilitator in this area (see www.pipcornall.com).

Winter 2008 •

the cycle of violence passed down within my family. I’m equally honored to be involved in bringing this nationwide campaign of peace to the U.S. government. Amazingly, while waiting in the lobby to meet with our senator, it emerged that most in our group (from Oregon) had come from violent families and some, like me, had been violent themselves. It gave me hope that the wound of violence could drive such a powerful movement for peace. Grace Gawler, in her book Women of Silence, says, “The strength that harmed you could ultimately be turned into a different strength that could heal you.” My journey to Capitol Hill was exactly that—a journey of self-healing, while, at the same time, a powerful step to reduce violence in the United States and the world. Significantly, the Department of Peace Bill would support the good work carried out by organizations such as the Men’s Resource Center for Change in Massachusetts and Mediation Works in Medford, Oregon, where I am a volunteer. Essentially the Department of Peace (DOP) would be a funding and coordinating body expanding on existing expertise and best practices all across the country. I’m also very excited that within the DOP campaign there is a fast growing body of students for peace. The Student Peace Alliance chapters are organizing at community colleges, liberal arts colleges, universities, and high schools across the nation. By integrating efforts with local communities, SPA groups build strong partnerships with those

The Starbucks Intervention

Playground Vertigo

that men can deflect unwanted attention, but in doing so we risk offending or patronizing women who are capable of protecting themselves, or insulting women who like this sort of thing. I know that some women rely on the male gaze to feel attractive and some may dress in ways to get attention on purpose. Women have the right to express themselves through their clothes and demeanor in any way they see fit. But I risk sounding sexist if I advise a woman not to go to certain parts of the city looking a certain way, and I risk feeling guilty knowing someone could get hurt if I don’t speak up. The problem lies in knowing when it’s okay to intervene; in knowing when to act on my personal feminist beliefs, and knowing when to hold back. Mastering this discretion is something I grapple with each day. Sometimes I get to thinking that I’m setting myself up for an unconquerable task by trying to live the life of an active male feminist. Sometimes it feels so daunting that I consider giving up. But then I remember what got me here in the first place, and it gives me hope. Feminism is something I embrace because it helps me think more clearly about who I am and how I behave as a man in this society. When I keep this in mind, I understand that I’m not about to defeat the patriarchy overnight, but that I can feel a little better knowing I’m not letting it defeat me little by VM little, each and every day.

male company on the playground. Now here’s the really interesting question: What impact will our choices have on the next generation? When Kyle Pruett studied kids raised by stay-at-home dads, he found that they didn’t seem to care all that much about fixed gender roles. “Gender polarization seemed a marginal, rather than central, issue for these youngsters on the threshold of their adolescence,” Pruett writes. “Their equanimity concerning gender issues in their peer relations was striking because of the usual anxiety and conflict at this stage.” The kids were drawn to peers who shared their views on gender roles. “None of my girlfriends want to be housewives,” says one girl. “None of my guy friends want nothing to do with their kids—they think kids are cool.” And so it goes, from one generation to the next. Liko might not see “mothering” and “fathering” the way I do. If current trends continue, there could be a huge generation gap between us and our children, with many unexpected consequences. Revolutions—maybe I should say evolutions—have a way of leaving the revolutionaries behind. VM

The Men’s Resource Center for Change, publisher of Voice Male, receives community support from near and far. Voice Male allows us a public forum in which to thank the hundreds of people who have shared our inspiration and commitment, and contributed their time, services, and money toward a vision of personal and social transformation. We are filled with deep gratitude at the generosity of these individuals and businesses:

Jeremy Adam Smith is the managing editor of Greater Good magazine and the author of the forthcoming book Twenty-First-Century Dad. His blog is daddy-dialectic.blogspot.com. This article originally appeared in Men Speak Out: Views on Gender, Sex, and Power, ed. Shira Tarrant (Routledge, 2008). Used by permission.

Counseling for MenandWomen, FathersandSons JusticeofthePeace

• Voice Male

continued from page 23

Greg Bortnichak will soon graduate from college and put his barista days behind him. He plays guitar and cello in his band, The Sparta Philharmonic. This article originally appeared in Men Speak Out: Views on Gender, Sex, and Power, ed. Shira Tarrant (Routledge, 2008). Used by permission.

continued from page 17

T hank Y ou !

Donated Space Network Chiropractic, Greenfield; First Baptist Church, Greenfield In-Kind Donations Amherst; Ira Horowitz

Henion Bakery,

White Ribbon Benefit Jane Lekus, Mina Lussier, Joy Sullivan, Zanna, Amherst MRC/Voice Male Volunteers Joann Chan, Jaime Taylor, Pam Tinto, Caleb Welch, Maggie Wong Website Manager Joe Rufer As always, we extend our gratitude to the MRC Board of Directors for the ongoing guidance and support they give to this organization and all who are a part of it. We are also grateful for all of our staff, who regularly go above and beyond the call of duty, and to our team of volunteer support group facilitators, who every week provide a safe space for men to come and talk about their lives.

ROB OKUN

Officiating at Weddings for Couples in Massachusetts & Beyond (413) 687-8171 RAOkun@verizon.net

Men’s Resource Center for Change Programs & Services

Administrative Staff Executive Director – Rob Okun Financial Manager – Paula Chadis Executive Assistant – David Gillham Office Manager – Allan Arnaboldi Moving Forward Director – Sara Elinoff-Acker Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison – Steve Trudel Administrative Director – Jan Eidelson Partner Services Outreach Counselor – Barbara Russell Anger Management Coordinator – Joy Kaubin Hampden County Coordinator – Scott Girard Group Leaders – BC Chaney, Sara Elinoff-Acker, Karen Fogliatti, Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta, Susan Omilian, Russ Pirkot, Steve Trudel Support Groups Support Group Facilitators – Allan Arnaboldi, Bill Bassham, Michael Burke, Jim Devlin, Michael Dover, Carl Erikson, Tim Gordon, Jerry Levinsky, Gábor Lukács, Bob Mazer, Joe Osterman, Joe Rufer, Tom Schuyt, Frank Shea, Sheldon Snodgrass, Roger Stawasz, Bob Sternberg, Gary Stone, Claude Tellier Youth Programs Supervisor – Allan Arnaboldi Group Leaders – Aaron Buford, Malcolm Chu, Mohamed Vandi Board of Directors Chair – Peter Jessop Members – Tom Gardner, Gail Kielson, Tim Neale, Mark Nickerson, Tom Schuyt Executive Director Emeritus – Steven Botkin

Main Office: 236 North Pleasant St. • Amherst, MA 01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.4801 Springfield Office: 29 Howard St. • Springfield, MA 01105 • 413.734.3438 E-mail: main.office@mrcforchange.org Website: www.mrcforchange.org

Fathering Programs • A variety of resources are available — Fathers and Family Network programs, lawyer referrals, parenting resources, workshops, presentations and conferences. Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.10 Youth Programs • Young Men of Color Leadership Project Amherst • Short Term Groups, Workshops, Presentations and Consultations for Young Men and Youth-Serving Organizations Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.33 Moving forward Anger Management, domestic violence intervention, youth violence prevention • Anger Management Various times for 15-week groups for men, women and young men at the MRC. For more information, call (413) 253-9887 ext. 23 • Domestic Violence Intervention A state-certified batterer intervention prog ram serves both voluntary and courtmandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies available. • Basic Groups Groups for self-referred and court-mandated men (40 weeks) are held in Amherst, Athol, Belchertown, Springfield, North Adams, and Greenfield. • Follow-up Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue working on these issues. Call (413) 253-9588 ext 12.

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Partner Services Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program. • Prison Groups A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections. • Community Education and Training Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available. • Speakers’ Bureau Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs. • Youth Violence Prevention Services for teenage males who have been abusive with their families, peers, or dating partners. Contact: (413) 253-9588 ext.18 Workshops & training • Workshops available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as “Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response,” “Strategies and Skills for Educating Men,” “Building Men’s Community,” and “Challenging Homophobia,” among other topics. Specific trainings and consultations also available. Publications • Voice Male. Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity. • Children, Lesbians and Men: Men’s Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors. A 60-page manual that answers the questionsmenhave,withfirst-personaccounts by men and women “who have been there.” Contact:(413) 253-9887 ext.16 Resource & Referral Services • Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, and support programs for men. Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.10 Speakers and Presentations • Invite new visions of manhood into your university, faith community, community organization. Many topics including: Manhood in a Time of War, Fathering, Male Socialization, Men’s Anger, Creating a Men’s Center, The Journey to Healthy Manhood, and more. contact: (413) 253-9887 Ext. 20

Winter 2008 •

The mission of the Men’s Resource Center for Change is to support men, challenge men’s violence, and develop men’s leadership in ending oppression in our lives, our families, and our communities.

Support Group Programs • Open Men’s Group Sundays 7-9 p.m. at the MRC Amherst office Tuesdays 7-9 p.m. at First Churches, 129 Main St., Northampton. Wednesdays 7-9 p.m. in Greenfield at Network Chiropractic, 21 MohawkTrail (lower Main St.). A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other. • Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Abuse / Neglect specifically for men who have experienced any kind of childhood abuse or neglect. Fridays 7 - 9 p.m. at the MRC. • Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Mondays 7 - 9 p.m. at the MRC. A facilitated drop-in group for gay, bisexual and questioning men to talk about their lives and support each other (not a discussion group).

A Message to Men

JOIN THE WHITE RIBBON CAMPAIGN Take this pledge:

“From this day forward, I promise never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women, sexual assault and domestic violence.” To sign on, go to www.janedoe.org/involved/involved_whiteribbonday.htm The Men’s Resource Center for Change and Voice Male magazine are founding Ambassadors of the Massachusetts White Ribbon Campaign inaugurated on Valentine’s Day 2008 To learn more about this two-decade-old campaign being conducted in 47 countries around the world

visit www.whiteribbon.ca