Voice Male Summer 2009

FROM THE EDITOR

Cracks Spreading in Patriarchy’s Great Wall

By Rob Okun he King of Pop, Michael Jackson, and the Supreme Ruler of Iran, Ayatollah Sayed Ali Khamenei—two men who, as symbols of manhood, couldn’t be further apart. And while no pair of males could represent the full spectrum of masculinity, the Thriller and the Chiller are strong contenders. Jackson’s death June 25, encroached on the headlines Khamenei was making, warning he’d had enough of the massive protests democracy-hungry Iranians were staging in Tehran.

Jackson, whose difficult gendered life seemed to be an attempt to be male, female and all points in between, inadvertently invited us to stretch our thinking about manhood. Not so for the Ayatollah, whose adherence to an extreme and rigid patriarchal masculinity precluded any such yoga of the mind.

For all his bizarre behaviors, Jackson broke down stereotypes and broke through barriers of how a black male was supposed to act. Long before allegations began surfacing about his sexual inclinations, an adoring public gave him wide berth to explore his attraction to whiteness and androgyny. That his later years were marked by accusations of pedophilia suggests someone literally uncomfortable in his own skin (whatever its color).

Despite gender bending behavior, it was business as usual—male aggression—in many of his music videos. In “The Way You Make Me Feel” he stalks a woman, egged on by a group of men. In “Thriller”, his signature song, the story line includes women under attack, possible victims of violence.

Jackson grew up in a fishbowl, maturing as an artist while stunted as a person. The chant, “Be a man” doesn’t ring true for someone whose goal, apparently, was never to become one.

While conforming to masculinity’s rigid restrictions wasn’t on Jackson’s mind, not so for the Ayatollah. He’s ruling a country which has had enough of “supreme” rule. With a majority population of young people—two thirds of Iranians are under 35—he’s trying to hold the theocratic and patriarchal lines, so thin they’re hardly distinguishable.

Demanding an end to male dominance might not be how protestors would describe their demonstrations, yet they are challenging the Iranian male hierarchy, among the oldest of old boy clubs. Even as an emboldened citizenry is loosening masculinity’s hold,

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women remain under siege. Turn a tear-filled eye to the ongoing rapes in the Congo to see the distance we must travel to ensure women live fully emancipated, safe lives.

Despite the brutality, new cracks are spreading in patriarchy’s Great Wall. In the United States, for example, there’s been a spate of high-ranking male politicians who arrogantly believed their power afforded them the right to commit adultery, deceive their wives and families and lie to their constituents. The assumption behind wielding such unbridled authority and control, i.e. male privilege—the very cornerstone of conventional manhood—is being fiercely challenged today, exposed with a force heretofore not seen.

Republican governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina (who may be an ex-governor when you read this) and Sen. John Ensign (RNevada), who both admitted to having affairs while married, are just the latest characters to join the ensemble of a long-running series, let’s call it Gone with the Men. Recent cast members include Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho), former governor Eliot Spitzer (D-New York), Detroit’s former Democratic mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, Republican Sen. David Vitter of Louisiana, former governor James McGreevey (D-New Jersey), and North Carolina’s former Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards. In former President Bill Clinton’s day the series would have been called West Fling. (My apologies if I’ve missed anyone.)

Yes, we need to begin an important national conversation about personal privacy violations and the public’s trust. In the

meantime, those men (with the exception of “I’m a Gay American” McGreevey)— represent the heterosexual establishment center between Michael Jackson and the Ayatollah Khamenei. They are harbingers marking the beginning of the end of conventional masculinity. As dead flowers decompose atop makeshift memorial tributes to Michael Jackson, and the “supreme ruler” pulls harder on the reins of power, a chorus of men on a journey to healthy manhood is warming up. Some may be chanting morning prayers, others may be singing Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” with lyrics including these: “I’m starting with the man in the mirror/I’m asking him to change his ways/And no message could have been any clearer/If you wanna make the world a better place/Take a look at yourself and then make a change.”

The days of men behaving badly may not be over, but there is no shortage of examples of men behaving well. In my Spring travels to conferences in Rio de Janeiro, Washington, Chicago, and New York; in the ongoing work by male college and university students; in trainings and workshops being conducted across Africa, Latin America, India, men and young men are articulating a masculinity that honors and respects women—the givers of life—as it honors and respects the inherent goodness within men and boys. Their names may not be in the mainstream media headlines but that makes their contributions to the great turning under way no less vital.

Chronicling their stories—and the rise of a new, healthy masculinity—is what Voice Male does. We broadcast a message of hope, possibility, and change to encourage both those in the trenches and bystanders on the sidelines. To do this work we need help. We need you to subscribe or renew, to take out a sub for your father or friend. We need you to make a gift; to write or suggest a story; to send in a letter to the editor or an email of advice. A great turning is under way, a seismic shift rocking the streets of Tehran, the halls of power in Washington, villages and towns in India, Africa, and U.S. communities on both coasts and in the heartland. Voice Male invites you to put your shoulders to the wheel of change. We need you. Now.

Summer 2009 Changing Men in Changing Times www.voicemalemagazine.org

Features

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10 Breaking the Secret Code of Dudes

By Eve Ensler

12 What’s in It for Men? Combating Sexism, Reducing Violence

By Ira Horowitz

15 Boys, Bullies and Parents’ Fears

By Sarah Werthan Buttenwieser

18 Gender Equality’s Global Reach Rio’s Rhythms of Peace

By Rob Okun

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19 The Rio Declaration Of Gender Independence 25 Violence Against Women Is Always a Men’s Issue

By Michael Flood

27 Men’s “Rights” from Your Kid’s Point of View

By Joe Kelly

29 Students Begin to Confront Campus Sexual Violence

By Stephanie Gilmore

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Columns & Opinion 2 4 5 8 14 17 22 23 30 31 32 34

From the Editor Letters Men @ Work Men & Health Fathers & Sons Outlines Fathering Books Film Resources Poetry

Cracks Spreading in Patriarchy’s Great Wall

Eight Tips to Become More Emotionally Present By Barry Vissell, M.D. Who’s the (New) Man? By Randy Flood Why I’m Such an Angry Faggot By Christopher White It’s Time to Reinvent Father’s Day By Rob Okun Remembering the Loneliness of Fatherhood By E. Ethelbert Miller

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Halo Moon By Andrew Varnon

Cover photograph: Erwin Purnomosid Summer 2009

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Mail Bonding Evolutionary Psychology and Men’s Evolution

www.voicemalemagazine.org

Rob A. Okun Editor

Lahri Bond Art Director

Michael Burke Copy Editor

National Advisory Board Juan Carlos Areán Family Violence Prevention Fund

John Badalament All Men Are Sons

Byron Hurt God Bless the Child Productions

Robert Jensen Prof. of Journalism Univ. of Texas

Sut Jhally Media Education Foundation

Jackson Katz Mentors in Violence Prevention Strategies

Michael Kaufman White Ribbon Campaign

Joe Kelly The Dad Man

Michael Kimmel Prof. of Sociology SUNY Stony Brook

Bill T. Jones Bill T. Jones/ Arnie Zane Dance Co.

Mike Messner Prof. of Sociology Univ. of So. California

Don McPherson Mentors in Violence Prevention

Craig Norberg-Bohm Men’s Initiative for Jane Doe

Chris Rabb Afro-Netizen

Haji Shearer Massachusetts Children’s Trust Fund 4

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First time seeing your magazine (Spring 2009). You have a clear and convincing message about prevention of violence against women. No one can argue against this needed and honorable mission.

But I wish to give some other feedback and start a dialogue with you and others. I am a “soldier” (perhaps a bad use of the military metaphor) of all human potential and social justice movements since the early 70’s. I also have a history in the men’s movement—from Robert Bly to John Lee to Warren Farrell and Sam Keen and many more. And tons of relationship literature—from John Gray to John Gottman to Deborah Tannen, and the gender reconciliation work of William Keepin (Divine Duality; deep psychological and restitution work related to violence against women in the third world). I have lived my adult life in the politically correct feminist frame. Part of my context is a career in human services and community development; I have been in female dominated environments my entire working life.

I am heterosexual and that matters for this discussion. I am deeply read in evolutionary psychology and live in the hometown of both Voice Male contributing editor Robert Jensen and David Buss, author of Evolution of Desire.

Jensen’s piece “Masculine, Feminine or Human?” (page 23) describes an interesting and worthwhile experiment, but he would get an entirely different result if he asked heterosexual men and women to describe their gender, “in relationship to each other.” Male and female, in the heterosexual world, do not exist as separate constructs of biology or socialization, but operate together as a system full of bargaining, trade-offs, expectations, and collusion. If considering the opposite gender within this system, a mate selection subtext would naturally intrude and responses would more likely reflect a polarity of traits, malefemale respectively: initiator-receiver, pursuer-

pursued, provider (more or less)–provided for (more or less), protector-protected, the one who asks–the one who chooses. These traits/behaviors are not universals and they exist along a continuum, but the basic patterns are deeply engrained biologically. (On another issue, Jensen goes on to say that we must make sense of male-female difference “consistent with justice” and adds, “that is a feminist context.”

What? A feminist context is the only view that is consistent with justice?)

Finally, let’s look at what Shira Tarrant is telling us in her piece “What Do I Know About Men?” (page 15) to underscore my point about how male-female is a system of agreements and influences. Shira admits that she likes tough guys. She falls prey, she says, to those hypermasculine bad-ass boys. (To her credit, she says she is working on it. And her writings generally appear to be part of the “solution.”)

But, for me, her message here is loud and clear.

She throws a bone to smart and sensitive guys, but how will I most predictably attract her?

What traits are most likely to get her sexual attention? Why would I emphasize smart and sensitive, when it is hypermasculine behavior that actually turns her on?

Men do need to change their behavior because the planet is in peril. But equally true, women need to honor and desire men in a new way or for different reasons. I am not hopeful. We are talking about primal stuff.

Deep wiring. Sexual attraction is not a small issue here. It is everything. Is it possible Voice Male could consider the insights of evolutionary psychology more in-depth? There is more to explore in “masculinity’s brave new world.” David Deida, David Buss, and Helen Fisher would be good candidates to weigh in. I particularly recommend to your readers Buss’ Sex, Power, Conflict: Evolutionary and Feminist Perspectives and The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is As Necessary As Love and Sex. Steven Fearing Austin, Texas

VOICE MALE is published quarterly by the Alliance for Changing Men, 33 Gray St., Amherst, MA 01002. It is mailed to subscribers in the U.S., Canada, and overseas and is distributed at select locations around the country and to conferences, universities, colleges and secondary schools, and among non-profit and non-governmental organizations. The opinions expressed in Voice Male are those of its writers and do not necessarily reflect the views of the advisors or staff of the magazine, or its sponsor, Family Diversity Projects. Copyright © 2009 Alliance for Changing Men/Voice Male magazine.

Subscriptions: 4 issues-$24. 8 issues-$40. For bulk orders, go to voicemalemagazine.org or call Voice Male at 413.687-8171.

Advertising: For advertising rates and deadlines, go to voicemalemagazine.org or call Voice Male 413.687-8171.

Submissions: The editors welcome letters, articles, news items, reviews, story ideas and queries, and information about events of interest. Unsolicited manuscripts are welcomed but the editors cannot be responsible for their loss or return. Manuscripts and queries may be sent via email to www.voicemalemagazine.org or mailed to Editors: Voice Male, 33 Gray St., Amherst, MA 01002.

Men @ Work Family Violence Costs Billions in Health Care People exposed to violence and abuse seek health care more frequently and at a greater cost than those who haven’t been exposed, according to testimony by members of the National Advisory Council on Violence and Abuse, a group affiliated with the American Medical Association.

Physical, sexual and psychological violence can have a significant impact on victims’ long-term health panelists in a recent Washington briefing told congressional staff. “Every year, millions of Americans are exposed to violence and abuse as victims, witnesses and even perpetrators, and these experiences lead to dramatically high costs to our health care system,” council chair David Corwin, M.D., said.

Studies show that women who have experienced domestic violence are 80 percent more likely to have a stroke, 70 percent more likely to have heart disease, 60 percent more likely to have asthma and 70 percent more likely to drink heavily than women who have not experienced intimate partner violence. Children who experience childhood trauma,

Honoring Dr. George Tiller A pledge drive is underway to support abortion health care workers and to honor the memory of Dr. George Tiller, tireless women’s health care provider assassinated on May 31.

People from around the U.S. and overseas have been signing the pledge in honor of Dr. Tiller, who was shot to death while ushering at his church in Wichita, Kansas. Longtime anti-choice activist Scott Roeder was arrested and charged with the murder.

The pledge—found at www. now.org/reproductive-freedompledge—read as follows: “Women across the country have lost a true champion. The

including witnessing incidents of domestic violence, are at a greater risk of having serious adult health problems including tobacco use, substance abuse, obesity, cancer, heart disease, depression and a higher risk for unintended pregnancy.

The Academy on Violence and Abuse recently released a white paper, “Hidden Costs in Health Care: The Economic Impact of Violence and Abuse,” that found expenses related to violence and abuse may cost the health care system hundreds of billions of dollars each year. It is available at http://avahealth.org.

Journey to Healing Helping battered women and those who witnessed domestic violence as children is the theme of “Journey to Healing: Finding the Path,” a conference taking place in Long Beach, Calif., August 3-4. Organized by the Institute on Domestic Violence in the African American Community, presentations will offer practical information, interactive sessions and artistic expressions focused on assisting victims.

Featured speakers will include: Brenda L. Thomas, author of Laying Down My Burdens; Carolyn West, Ph.D., a scholar specializing in violence in the lives of

related injuries are an important public health problem in India, and need urgent attention.” The number of young women killed is six times higher than the number reported to police.

Choosing Life: Medical Students for Choice Brenda L. Thomas—one of the featured speakers at “Journey to Healing,” August 3-4 , Long Beach.

black women; and Mildred Muhammad, former wife of the “DC Sniper” John Allen Muhammad.

For more information, visit www. idvaac.org/healing/.

Fires of Violence Domestic violence in India is a fiery issue. An article on the Lancet’s web site finds that more than 100,000 young Indian women age 15 to 34 were killed in fires, according to statistics gathered for 2001. Researchers believe that kitchen accidents, self-immolation and homicides related to different forms of domestic violence—including bride burnings and dowry deaths—are the main reasons that young women are dying in fires.

According to researchers, “Fire-

cold-blooded murder of Dr. dation of abortion providers is George Tiller in church is a stark domestic terrorism.

I sign this pledge and rereminder that women’s bodies are affirm my still a battleground, commitment and health care to reproducprofessionals are tive freedom for on the frontlines. women.

We are angered.

I PLEDGE TO: We are saddened.

Speak out: And we will not be There’s power in silenced. words. I won’t use “ We m u s t the words “proredouble our life” to describe efforts to mainanti-abortion Dr. George Tiller tain safe and legal groups, and I’ll access to abortion make an effort to write the editors and birth control. When you sign this pledge, you can choose to of my local papers when they use the term. Murder is not pro-life. send a message to the Department of Justice and the Department of Stay informed: I’ll be aware of Homeland Security and let them reproductive rights legislation know that the murder and intimi- in my state, including so-called

In the wake of the assassination of Wichita, Kansas, abortion provider Dr. George Tiller, support for pro-choice physicians and health-care related services is on the upswing.

“Giving up would be a fate worse than death,” said Miranda Balkin, a fourth-year student at Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York City and board president of Medical Students for Choice (www.ms4c.org), in a recent article by journalist K. Aleisha Fetters in Women’s eNews (www.womensenews.org).

“My life is one life, but there are thousands of women who need reproductive choice.” Based in Philadelphia, Medical Students for Choice is a network of more than 10,000 medical students and abortion providers across the United States and Canada. [continued on page 6]

“pharmacist conscience” laws designed to deny women access to birth control and emergency contraception and “fetal personhood” laws intended to criminalize both abortion and many forms of birth control.

Get involved locally: I’ll reach out to groups that provide clinic defense or escort services in my area, work for low-cost contraceptive access in my community, participate in a vigil in Dr. Tiller’s honor, or get involved with my local NOW chapter.

Get involved online: I’ll use Twitter, Facebook and blogs to connect with others across the country and worldwide working for reproductive freedom.

For more information go to NOW’s website, www.now.org.

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Men @ Work A group of pro-choice medical students started the organization in 1993, a few months after Dr. David Gunn, a Florida abortion provider, became the first in a string of doctors to be killed by violent attacks on U.S. abortion clinics. Now, after the first murder of an abortion provider in more than 10 years, Medical Students for Choice promises that the killing has strengthened its resolve to ensure that women have a full spectrum of reproductive options.

The National Network of Abortion Funds (www.nnaf.org) said the George Tiller Memorial Abortion Fund, which it created within hours of the fatal shooting of Tiller, raised $15,000 in the first day. Stephanie Poggi, the network’s executive director said the fund will assist “the same women Dr. Tiller served: women seeking abortions in their second

and third trimesters, women facing extreme obstacles to abortion…”

Since the early 1980s, the number of U.S. abortion providers has declined from nearly 3,000 to about 1,700, Fetters reported in her Women’s eNews article. Nearly 90 percent of the nation’s counties currently have no provider, according to the New York-based Guttmacher Institute. Medical Students for Choice estimates that only five percent of U.S. medical students receive comprehensive sexuality education in women’s overall reproductive health, which includes not only abortion procedures, but also understanding issues such as which medications can harm a developing fetus.

Shannon Connelly hopes students will not shy from continuing the work Tiller left behind. Connelly, a fourth-year medical student at the University

of Southern California, and a board member of Medical Students for Choice, said, “Dr. Tiller was a stellar physician in all the ways that we want to be. He was such an advocate for women.” She described him as a “soft spoken, gentle and compassionate caregiver” who treated his patients not only physically but emotionally as well, staffing his practice with counselors for his patients.

This is a side Connelly believes many did not know, largely due to an extremist political climate. It’s a climate she and others believe his death has made public.

President Obama has “a huge challenge” before him “to pull the country together with a shared set of values,” said Medical Students for Choice executive director Backus. “We have to agree that no matter what your position violence is just not an option.”

Young Men and HIV Prevention Young men are rarely explicitly addressed in HIV/AIDS prevention policies and programs. A lack of knowledge on how to appropriately and effectively integrate adolescent males into prevention work is often prevalent, as well as lingering doubts and skepticism regarding the possibility of young men changing their behaviors. Produced by the trailblazing Brazilian gender equality organization, Promundo, Young Men and HIV Prevention: A Toolkit for Action stresses the benefits of working with young men and provides conceptual and practical information on how to design, implement and evaluate HIV/AIDS prevention activities which incorporate a gender perspective and engage young men and relevant stakeholders.

Uncovering The Good In Traditional Masculinity

By Joseph H. Hammer Is traditional masculinity killing us? If so, what can we do about it?

Since the late 1970s, research has consistently found that men’s sticking to certain traditional masculine norms—limited emotional expression, obsession with achievement and success, maintaining power over women— often leads to negative consequences for men and the women and children in their lives. Among them: depression, substance abuse, and absent fathers.

Such findings have led some to advocate that men abandon their internalized notions of masculinity, for their own good and the good of their relationships. But how would they go about this? How realistic is this idea? At the same time, other professionals insist that conventional socialized masculinity is, for better or worse, an important source of identity and guidance for many men. They emphasize that meeting men where they are—encouraging them to adopt

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a greater flexibility in expressing their socialized male identity—is more likely to produce successful change in men’s attitudes and behavior. After all, it is not that traditional masculine norms are always maladaptive. Far from it: in crisis situations, an emotional stoicism coupled with clear, calm thinking may mean the difference between life and death. Rather, it is when traditional male norms are inflexibly applied across contexts—when that stoicism gets in the way of emotional connection with one’s partner, for example—that these norms truly become a problem.

With this insight in mind, it seems advantageous for advocates and mental health professionals who work with men to be able to validate the positive aspects of traditionally masculine ways of being. This approach helps build rapport with men, creating a safe space in which men can nondefensively examine and revise the restrictive aspects of their gendered behavior. Psychologists such as Mark Kiselica have long

championed this balanced, affirmative approach in working with boys and men. Unfortunately, due to psychology’s historical focus on the pathological aspects of male socialization, there is little research on the positive aspects.

Acknowledging this shortcoming, the Men and Masculinity Research Center (MMRC) initiated an empirical study of these positive aspects. Founded by Dr. Glenn Good at the University of Missouri in 2007, the MMRC is advancing knowledge in the psychology of men primarily through research and publication. Most MMRC members are counseling psychologists (or in training as such) and are affiliated with the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity. The MMRC website (http://mmrc.missouri.edu) offers visitors the opportunity to lend their voice to current research projects. The “positive aspects” study, was built upon the input of these visitors, in addition to the contributions of men recruited from male-focused organizations and listservs.

So far, data from this study suggest some intriguing trends.

Those men who embraced the traditional male norm of risktaking, for example, were more likely to score higher on measures of courage, resilience, and endurance. In contrast, those who valued emotional stoicicm actually reported greater difficulty with controlling their emotions when trying to solve problems, as well as lower life satisfaction and self-esteem. The MMRC team intends to report their findings in future publications, and will initiate follow-up studies to further explore the nonrestrictive aspects of traditional masculine ways of being.

Joseph H. Hammer is a doctoral student in counseling psychology at Iowa State University pursuing research and clinical work in the psychology of men, help-seeking, and the experience of religious minorities. He can be contacted at hammer@iastate.edu.

Men @ Work Specific topics include how to: • Carry out a needs assessment to understand the influences on young men’s attitudes and behaviors and possible entry-points for engaging them in HIV/AIDS prevention.

• Facilitate group educational activities to promote critical reflections about gender norms and skills-building related to HIV/ AIDS prevention.

•Design and implement campaigns to create a favorable environment for young men assume more gender-equitable behaviors.

• Organize health services to be more attractive to young men and more sensitive and responsive to their needs.

• Carry out advocacy to influence support and decision-making on work with young men.

• Monitor and evaluate activities to assess and improve impact.

For more information, go to www. promundo.org.br/

Saudi Judge Blames Women for Some Domestic Violence When is it okay for your husband to slap you? Well, if you live in Saudi Arabia, whenever he thinks you spent too much money, according to a Saudi judge. During a seminar on domestic violence recently, Judge Hamad Al-Razine was explaining reasons for spikes in domestic violence, according to Arab News (www.arabnews.com).

His conclusion? Women were partly responsible. “If a man gives SR1200 to his wife and she spends SR900 to purchase an abaya (black gown)...if her husband slaps her on the face as a reaction to her action, she deserves that punishment.”

T h e j u d g e ’s c o m m e n t s didn’t go over well with Saudi’s women’s rights activists. Wajeha Al-Huwaider told CNN that Saudi women regularly face such attitudes and groups like the National Family Safety Program are campaigning to reduce domestic violence and educate citizens so talking about family violence is no longer taboo.

The judge’s comments reflect “how men in Saudi Arabia see women,” Al-Huwaider told CNN. “They’ve been raised to see women this way,

that they’re less than a person … [they live] in a culture that tells them it’s okay to raise your hand to a woman…” Now it’s time to raise consciousness, including among judges.

Internet Complicit in Sex Trafficking StopOnlineExploitation. org has launched a campaign to demand that Internet companies stop allowing online human trafficking and prostitution.

Organizers say victims of human trafficking and prostitution in America are caught in a world they didn’t choose, trapped in lives of violence, abuse and fear. Today, the majority of human trafficking and prostitution crimes in the U.S. are happening online—criminals selling young people directly through home computers.

StopOnlineExploitation.org has developed technology to easily send letters of concern to Craigslist, other operators of prostitution websites, U.S. attorney general

Eric H. Holder Jr., state attorneys general, congress members, and the CEOs of companies with commercial websites exploiting young people. The letters demand they take decisive action to protect young people from abuse and possible violence.

Campaign partners include a coalition of human rights organizations, private businesses and citizens committed to ending online access to human trafficking and prostitution. To learn more or to join the fight against human trafficking, email getinvolved@ stoponlineexploitation.org.

Men, Sex & Justice “Roots of Change: Men, Sex and Justice” is a conference this fall designed to engage more men in working to prevent sexual violence. According to organizers, “Roots of Change” will address a broad range of issues pertaining to men and masculinity and sexual assault, with an emphasis on addressing root causes in order to prevent sexual violence before it occurs. Workshops will explore interrelated factors that influence sexual violence, effective programs, current research and promoting healthy sexuality and gender equity as it relates to sexual violence. Featured speakers include Voice Male contrib-

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uting editor, filmmaker-activist, Byron Hurt, and Luoluo Hong, vice chancellor for student affairs at the University of Hawaii at Hilo, known for her innovative work with the campus-based Men Against Violence at Louisiana State University. Sponsored by the Attorney General’s Sexual Assault Task Force, the National Organization of Men Against Sexism, and Portland State University’s Women’s Resource Center, the gathering is October 28-30 at Portland State University, in Portland, Ore. For more information go to www.sati.oregonsatf.org/roots/ program.html or write to prevention@oregonsatf.org.

Getting Our Sheet Together Dads deemed challenged at being able to make a good bed now have a Papa’s helper: Fit & Fold. The product is being sold as a time-saving answer “to one of the most annoying household frustrations: placing fitted sheets on a mattress correctly, and folding it flat.” “Fit & Fold makes any Dad look like the king of bed making,” say the marketers for Styled Simple, who steer clear of any discussion of moms and women making beds. Four labeled button snaps attach to the corners of an existing fitted sheet, and serve as a guide for placing it on the mattress perfectly, they say.

The button snaps also lock the left and right corners together, making it effortless to fold your fitted sheet flat. “Just because men are finally doing more of the daily household duties doesn’t mean they can’t cut corners to save time, effort and frustration,” said Cooper Hipp, inventor of Fit & Fold. “I invented Fit & Fold because I needed a better way to make the bed when dealing with fitted sheets and now anyone can benefit from it,” he said proudly. For more information, visit www.FITandFOLD.com or www.StyledSimple.com.

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Men & Health

Eight Tips to Become More Emotionally Present

By Barry Vissell, M.D. ver 30 years of working with men and their relationships, not to mention my own 44-year relationship with my wife, Joyce, I have seen some central issues emerge. While the last thing I want to do is generalize—suggesting that all men are the same—I have seen certain tendencies which apply to many men. If any of the following eight points apply to you—and they are suggestions applicable to gay and bisexual men, too—please take them to heart.

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Learn to take better care of your heart.

Yes, by all means take care of your physical heart with proper nutrition and exercise. But also take care of your heart of hearts, your soul.

Many men seem to have a tendency for workaholism, which is distracting yourself through work. Many men are preoccupied with “doing” and spend too little time just “being.” How about starting the day with a time of stillness and deep breathing? There are other ways you can find to nurture your inner life, like spending time alone in nature, reading uplifting books, or taking time throughout the day to give thanks for all the good in your life. “Soul-work” is a necessary precursor for fulfilling relationships.

Voice your appreciation to your partner and to all your loved ones. We often tend to remain silent, assuming our loved ones know how much we love them. Let them know at least once a day. Our words of appreciation are nectar to the ones we love. More than simply saying “I love you,” let this person know exactly what it is about them you appreciate in this moment. Overcome your embarrassment about being poetic. While some suggest women are particular hungry for heartfelt expressions of love, we all need it.

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Learn how to be more vulnerable. Intimacy is “into me see.” We can let our partners see us more deeply. We can feel and express our feelings. Yes, as men we sometimes feel afraid, but we’re taught to keep it well hidden. Outwardly, we often present a strong, competent image. When we can show the loves ones in our lives our human frailty, this is giving them a very wonderful gift of love.

When we feel sad, instead of covering it up with activity, share it with a loved one. Instead of jumping into an angry posture every time we feel hurt, the vulnerable (and courageous) approach is to reveal the hurt feelings directly.

Whenever I have done this with Joyce, I have

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short-circuited a potentially long, drawn-out argument. When I only show her the anger, I am keeping myself defended, and lose out on the love I could be receiving.

Ask for help. As men we tend not to ask for help enough. This can be another way to become more vulnerable. Ask for help with physical things, but also ask for help with your emotions, such as sadness, confusion or fear. Showing your partner you need their help allows them to love you more fully.

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Learn to be a better listener. Really listening to our partner is a profound gift. Often, we can’t listen because there is so much clutter in our own minds and emotions.

Taking better care of ourselves and being more vulnerable will help us to be more present with our partner. (Read about “listening-plus” on our website, www.sharedheart.org., April 2002.)

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Practice taking the lead in the relationship.

While there is often a leader and follower in same sex relationships, for heterosexual men, too many times, we yield leadership to women when it comes to the relationship. It often comes across as, “Here, the relationship is your thing. You make it work better.” Women can’t help but resent this attitude. Let’s make our relationships just as important as our work.

When we are dying, we won’t be complaining

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that we didn’t spend enough time on our job.

It’s our relationships that more deeply nourish our souls. So initiate relationship growth.

Ninety percent of the couples who register for our retreats are signed up by the women. Invite your partner into a deeper conversation or to read aloud from an inspiring book.

Remember that your partner needs fathering by you as much as you need mothering by her/or fathering by him. It can bring such sweet joy to give your nurturing fathering to your partner. Make it a practice to sometimes see past the grown-up, powerful adult to the innocent little child in your partner.

Gently, and tactfully, invite her or him to be held in your fathering arms in a physically non-sexual way. It is so important to not have physical sexual energy mixed in with fathering energy. Likewise, allow yourself to feel the little boy within you who needs the love and comforting embrace of the parent within your partner. This is another way to give a profound gift to your partner, and deepen the relationship as well.

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Reach out more to your brothers. Many men tend to isolate themselves from meaningful relationships with other men. I have observed in my men’s retreats that many men are nearly starved for father/brother love.

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I celebrate you for standing with women in the struggle to end violence against women and girls. Your brave magazine is bringing forward the new vision and voices of manhood which will inevitably shift this paradigm and create a world where we are all safe and free.

Bless you for it.

Voice Male gives us fuel and fresh ideas for the work of ending male-dominated societies and supporting new roles for men and new relations between the sexes.

—Michael Kaufman, co-founder, White Ribbon Campaign

—Eve Ensler, award-winning playwright (The Vagina Monologues)

What’s happening with men and masculinity?

That’s the question Voice Male tries to answer each issue as it chronicles manhood in transition.

The changes men have undergone the past 30 years, our efforts following women in challenging men’s violence, and our ongoing exploration of our interior lives, are central to our vision.

The magazine’s roots are deep in the male positive, profeminist, anti-violence men’s movement.

We draw inspiration from the world-changing acts of social transformation women have long advanced and the growing legion of men agitating and advocating for a new expression of masculinity.

At this key moment in the national conversation about men, Voice Male has much to contribute. Join us!

4 issues-$24

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To subscribe—or to make a tax-deductible gift—please use the enclosed envelope or go to:

voicemalemagazine.org —

Summer 2009

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problem is that the large majority of other men—the men not perpetuating the violence—do not stand up and say or do anything about what is going on to their mothers, sisters, daughters, girlfriends, wives, grandmothers.

They remain silent and passive. And that silence consolidates their loyalty and solidarity in the circle of men, it perpetuates their unspoken commitment to the practices and existence of patriarchy. To stand up as a man against violence against women is to break the “secret code of dudes.” It is to go up against the essential dominant narrative. It is to exile yourself from the country of the father.

That narrative is the tyranny of patriarchy which has been far more destructive to men than to women. Asked to supply a definition of manhood I recently heard a man say that men are essentially brought up “not to be a woman.”

So what does that look like? Men are brought up to disassociate from their hearts, to not be open, certainly to not cry or express what is called weakness. They are brought up to always act as if they know what’s going on even if they don’t.

That would imply never asking questions, never allowing themselves to be lost, never admitting being afraid or full of doubt, never surrendering to the great mystery of life.

For 11 years I have traveled the planet. I have visited the rape mines of the world in more than 60 countries, the places where the worst atrocities toward women are happening and the places where the everyday abuses continue with hardly a whisper of outrage or intervention. I ask myself maybe ten times a day, “What allows a man to become so cut off he can watch a woman squirm and beg him to stop and still continue to shove himself into her and tear her apart? What allows a man to undress a woman and stick himself into her when she Scott Greis

have been doing a lot of thinking about what it means for women and men to be allies in the struggle to end violence against woman and girls. I know that if we are going to end this violence—and I maintain that it is possible—it will only happen if men join women equally in the struggle. For many years I have wondered why ending rape and brutality was women’s work when 95 percent of the violence inflicted on women is done by men. We don’t rape ourselves. How come we have been left to survive the rape, recover from the rape, press charges against the rape, make everyone aware of the possibility of other women being raped, form networks, NGOs, help lines, shelters, devote our lives to stopping rape? How come rape, something we never asked for, something that violated us and devastated us, then becomes our responsibility and consumes our lives?

I do not hate men. On the contrary, I have a son who is the center of my heart, beloved male lovers, and many cherished male friends. When I began this work many years ago, I was certainly angry at men. I was afraid of men. I was hurt by men. I did not trust men. That’s what rape does. It robs women of agency over our bodies. It destroys our fundamental belief in humanity. Rape lives forever in our cells, like plutonium, making trust and intimacy almost impossible. It creates despair, depression, bitterness and rage.

It destroys confidence and self-esteem.

It makes us feel dirty and soiled. For many years I was simply a consequence of rape and violence—a walking violent outcome. I learned to anesthetize my feelings, shut down and disassociate. It was a long hard road back. Then I began the work of V-Day, and turned my life toward ending rape and violence against women and girls.

I know all men are not rapists. It is actually a very small percentage of men who hurt, attack, and rape women. The

resources. I watched the way he interacted with the public. I is completely intoxicated with no ability to give consent or even witnessed his modesty, humility, his fierceness (not aggressive, know what is going on? What allows a man to rape a young girl but determined), his commitment, which allowed for questions, with a group of other men as she screams out and begs for mercy? uncertainty, his vision which inspired collaboration.

What allows a man to choke or punch or slap or shove or stab We asked Dr. Mukwege if he would be the godfather of the his beloved? What have we done to men that they can do this to V-Men movement and he said yes. What does a V-man look like? women? How have we raised them? What have we taught them Careful, modest, brilliant, takes time. Asks questions, about manhood?”

To expresses sorrow, compassionate, connected to Psychiatrist and writer James Gilligan spent his heart, determined, humble, open. Mainly years working with long-term male inmates stand up as a who had committed violent crimes. In a V-man knows that being vulnerable is his man against violence his book, Violence, he documents how greatest strength, and as Dr. Mukwege in almost every case a man who had says, “Men’s happiness is dependent on against women is to break murdered or raped had at some point women’s happiness.” A V-man does the secret code of dudes. It is in his life been greatly humiliated not seek to hurt or punish, doesn’t or shamed. This took the form of need to prove himself. to go up against the essential economic, racial, gender and physSince Dr. Mukwege’s visit, in partdominant narrative. ical shaming. In the rehabilitation nership with many amazing groups programs developed for these men he and individual men who have been It is to exile yourself from working for years to shift this paradigm, discovered that by helping men address the country of the V-Day has launched the V-Men program. these core humiliations they were able to In recent months I have sat in rooms with begin to end the cycle of violence. father. extraordinary men, pioneers, radicals—men Two years ago, I had the privilege of meeting who have stepped outside the boundaries and definiDr. Denis Mukwege. He is a Congolese gynecologist tions and safety; men who have made themselves vulnerable. and obstetrician who for the last 12 years has been sewing up Which ones of you will be the next to join them, to leave your women’s vaginas in the Congo as fast as the militias are ripping father’s country? Who of you will be the willing and courageous them apart. Meeting and coming to know Dr. Mukwege changed refugees traveling with your sister refugees in search of the rising my life. He is a great man, a man who cherishes women, who new paradigm? Which of you will bravely surrender the privilege honors them, a man who has devoted his life to their healing and power of patriarchy to stand for your sisters, to protect life and safety and empowerment and protection. Last February I itself, to insure the future? Which secure ones of you will say my had the honor of traveling with him around America trying to manhood is based on my character and my actions and not on wake this country up to the terrible atrocities being inflicted posturing and lies? Which ones of you will be willing to give up on women’s bodies in the Congo in the fight for its economic the keys to the kingdom in order to open the door to the new world?

My brothers, your sisters are counting on you to be that man. Will you stand up now if you are going to make that journey with us, if you are going to fight with your life to end violence against women and girls?

Please stand up.

www.omni-peace.com

Award-winning playwright Eve Ensler (The Vagina Monologues) is the founder of V-Day, an international organization committed to ending violence against women and girls (www.vday.org). This article is adapted from remarks prepared for the conference “Men and Women as Allies in Violence Prevention” organized

by Men Can Stop Rape (www.mencanstoprape.org) in April 2009.

Eve Ensler, Dr. Denis Mukwege, godfather of the V-Men movement, and actor-activist Rosario Dawson are working to end violence against women and girls in the Congo.

Summer 2009

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Combating Sexism, Reducing Violence

What’s in It for Men?

Ira Horowitz (center) and Florida state prison inmates, with a female prison official who helped to organize a gender workshop.

By Ira Horowitz

Almost 20 years ago while working as a public interest lawer, anti-sexism and anti-violence trainer and consultant, Ira Horowitz attended a conference for legal services attorneys that addressed sexism in the community. He didn’t realize it at the time, but an incident there helped steer him into a career change. At one point, Horowitz recalls, white men, who made up about two thirds of those present, were being criticized for not completing a task. “I will never forget seeing a colleague who I greatly admired, a brilliant and committed advocate for low income people bent over, head in his hands saying, “Hit me, kick me, but don’t say you’re disappointed in me. That’s what my mother used to say.”

Witnessing the emotional turmoil his colleague was experiencing greatly enlarged Horowitz’s appreciation for men’s struggles.

Working to prevent sexism and violence against women and girls was important to him—“As the father of two daughters, I worried about their safety and wanted them to have the same opportunities in life as boys,” Horowitz recalls. “But I realized that I also care deeply about men and that, like my colleague, I know that we men are hurting, too. It’s different from the way women are hurt, but it’s just as real.” Horowitz believes society “will never attain gender equality by blaming men, making them feel worse, and ignoring their difficulties. We have to change both sides of traditional gender socialization if we are to succeed.”

Life changed dramatically several years later when, in 1996, Horowitz ended his legal career to move to South Africa where his partner took a university teaching post. They stayed for nearly five years. During that time Horowitz serendipitously found work with an NGO that had just begun to do gender awareness raising workshops for men and, over time, he co-facilitated more than a dozen such workshops in every province in the country. The majority of participants came from South Africa’s diverse native Black groups plus English- and Afrikaans-speaking whites, mixed race or “coloureds,” and Asians, primarily the descendants of imported laborers from India, Malaysia and Indonesia. A large majority were Christian but there also were Muslims, Jews and followers of traditional African religions. Despite this diversity, Horowitz says he was “amazed by 12

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the almost universal positive response to the workshops’ message that men could greatly improve their lives, not just women’s, by stepping outside of traditional masculine socialization.” Today he continues this work in the U.S., where he recently co-facilitated a workshop for 27 inmates at a state prison in Florida. he workshop for inmates was with a diverse group—Latinos, African Americans, whites (mostly Christian, several “born again” in prison), and a few Muslims and Jews. What they shared included a hypermacho background that played a role in their committing some of the most violent crimes imaginable. For example, in an exercise on competition one man who talked about his life as a notorious gangster told a story about the time he put a gun down a rival’s throat and threatened to kill him if he continued to date the same woman.

This inmate had already spent more than 40 years in prison and saw virtually no chance of ever being released. Yet he was one of the most enthusiastic participants in a workshop as successful as ones I’d led in South Africa. Of course inmates who would choose to come to such a workshop have already made some decisions to change their lives, but the results were still dramatic as evidenced by their responses to the following question on the evaluation form: “What changes do you expect to make in your life as a result of attending this workshop?”

“I hope to be more sensitive with gender issues,” said one inmate. “I hope to become more open with my feelings and be less dominant and controlling.” Another said, “I will try not to view women just as sex objects; try to see them as equals, as intelligent human beings capable of achieving many of the same things that I’m capable of.” And from a third: “To change my attitudes and views about women; to gain control of myself, be more sensitive and get rid of my macho attitude.”

What made the workshops so successful in changing men’s attitudes? Creating a safe, respectful space by holding the workshops for men only, and ensuring confidentiality. Designing a participatory format where men talked about their own experiences in small

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groups. One activity divided the men into two groups to brainstorm answers to the questions: “What do you like about being a man and what has been hard for you as a man?” For many, it was the first time they’d ever talked openly about the downside of being a man. Finally, giving participants an opportunity to plan for change in their lives. As a result men left with a concrete commitment to do something.

After learning about the ways women are hurt by gender socialization, a significant amount of time is spent examining the high price men pay for trying to fit into society’s definition of a “real man.” Some of the costs participants listed include: 1) dying younger, whether from stress-related illness, killing others in wars, working dangerous jobs, or committing suicide (which men do at much higher rates than women); 2) being under constant pressure to fill the roles of provider and protector, never showing weakness, being able to fix everything, always being a stud in bed, etc., and 3) not being allowed to express emotions even when, for example, men feel sad, terrified or like a failure. They recognize that as men what they normally do when they have these feelings is to keep them to themselves and drop out, get drunk or high and numb out, or attack someone or something, i.e., lash out.

Perhaps the best expression of what is possible for men rejecting the prescribed roles of the Man Box was offered by an atypical participant at a workshop in the Northern Cape, South Africa’s largest but least densely populated province. Unlike the majority of participants, this man was in his sixties, dressed formally in a tweed sports jacket and string tie, and was sent not by an organization but by his tribal council. At the beginning he didn’t know what to expect. In the hopes and fears exercise he expressed a concern that the workshop would undermine his religion and African culture. Nevertheless, he participated fully and, during a check-in after completing exercises that examined the price men pay for the privileges of sexism, he commented: “Today I see I don’t have to do everything, make all the

decisions in the family. I feel relieved, a free man.” He had reversed the whole paradigm of what men fear in terms of the liberation of women, fear of loss of their own power. Instead he realized that he benefited from giving up his exclusive right to make decisions.

Reactions like that rural South African or those from Florida inmates hold great promise for the future because they demonstrate that men both want to talk about the difficulties in their lives and, once they see that they, too, can live much less pressured and more satisfying lives by rejecting the macho stereotypes, they are much more willing to join the struggle to end sexism and reduce violence.

In the days ahead how can we reach more men with the workshop approach and how can we solidify gains with follow-up activities? It would be naïve to think that attending a workshop for a few days can have a lasting effect on how men treat others or that the change we seek can be achieved in less than a few generations. But we’ve made significant progress over the last two generations, thanks primarily to the work being done by women. What’s next? More men modeling being vulnerable; more men questioning the Man Box; and inviting more men to join the struggle. Will you?

Ira Horowitz was a public interest lawyer for 27 years before studying social justice education at the University of Massachusetts and becoming a trainer and consultant specializing in men and boys working on gender issues. While living in Durban, South Africa, between 1996 and 2000, he helped design and co-facilitate more than 15 gender awareness-raising workshops for men as well as instigating creation of a social justice education program at the University of Kwa-Zulu-Natal. He now lives in Miami where he has facilitated workshops for inmates, batterers’ intervention programs staff, safe school specialists, and campus police at Florida International University.

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Fathers & Sons A Son’s Lessons for His Father about Masculinity Today

Who’s the (New) Man? In this meditation on a father’s struggle with old and new ideas about masculinity, Randy Flood examines his relationship with his 19-year-old son, Zach. “We live,” Flood writes, “in a society where historically, real men are supposed to be tough, autonomous, athletic and strong while not showing emotions, dependency, or vulnerability.” To challenge that history, Flood, a psychotherapist and director of a men’s center in Michigan, works to help “men develop their full humanity in order to create loving and respectful relationships and strong, caring communities.” He counsels and lectures about the traps of hypermasculinity and has created counseling programs to help men change and grow.

His vision is a world with “less violence, more compassion; less rugged individualism, more interdependence; less stoicism and more emotional awareness and engagement.” He wants to impact how boys are socialized to become men in society. He Zach Flood (center both pictures) in sees himself as an enlightened The Comedy of Errors and celebrating and progressive father poised to a championship touchdown. provide his son with a new vision of masculinity, passionate about raising him to be in touch with his full humanity.” To fully evolve, Flood believes, “men need to bust out of their gender-straitjackets.” So it came as a stunning revelation to realize that despite all he believed in and advocated for, he, too, had not yet fully removed the jacket of gender conformity. y son Zach grew up exposed to many opportunities. He played baseball, basketball, football and piano, sang in choir and performed in church musicals. As the father of a son, I was especially delighted he was athletic. I got him private pitching and batting lessons, enrolled him in basketball and football camps. Zach excelled in all three sports, while at the same time demonstrating talent in non-athletic “side” projects. It all seemed picture perfect; he had snips, snails, puppy dog tails, and some sugar and spice, but not everything nice. I had me a boy that would make any father proud.

In his sophomore year of high school, Zach told me he wanted to quit baseball and audition for the school musical. “Why quit baseball?” I mused. “Baseball is a less violent sport for thinking men. I played baseball as did your uncles and grandfathers.” I didn’t get it.

Why do theater, when you’re good at baseball? Zach said he wanted more balance in his life—less sports and more music and theater. He auditioned for Beauty and the Beast, for which he made the chorus as a pepper shaker. I supported his decision but secretly wallowed in disappointment. To me, being a pepper shaker didn’t compare with shaking off the dirt after sliding in safely at home with the winning run.

After Zach’s football team won the state championship in his junior year, he told me he was quitting basketball to focus on drama and

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By Randy Flood

ballet instead. Once again, I was perplexed. Theater is great. I enjoy it. I support it. But, if you’re a guy and you’re good at basketball, you don’t quit it for theater. In theory, I was supportive of a society that allowed men to develop their full humanity, but emotionally I held on to wanting the alpha son—the athlete. Nevertheless, that winter, instead of racing down the court, Zach danced his way across a stage sporting a tutu in Carnival of Animals and pontificated while wearing a toga in Shakespeare’s Comedy of Errors. He continued to work on singing, dancing and acting in hopes of getting a lead in the next school musical. What was next to go?

I lamented. Football?

To my relief, Zach remained committed to the gridiron his senior year, working out throughout the summer to earn a starting position at tight end. Once again, his team made it the state championship. Zach caught a touchdown pass in the third of five overtimes, helping his team win back-to-back championships. I was elated, proud. He had lived out the most heroic of masculine fantasies. He shone that day on the largest stage possible in high school football.

With the season over, Zach put away his cleats, grabbed his dancing shoes, and auditioned for Grease at the local community theater, competing against the city’s theatrical elite. He got a part in the chorus where, for 18 performances, he was able to grow and shine. And then, in his final year of high school, Zach’s goal—to get a lead in the school musical—was realized; he was cast as Ozzie, the sailor in On the Town. He danced, sang, joked, and lit up the stage.

I was amazed. I had begun to understand the courage and wisdom in my son’s choices.

This is not our fathers’ world where only finely tuned aggression, competition, and toughness help men rise to the top in business or politics while also becoming successful partners and parents. In order to thrive today, men and women need to develop their full selves, unconstrained by outdated gender roles. Doing so helps cultivate the environment needed to succeed in personal relationships in a diverse and changing world. Of course I knew all this theoretically and professionally but it took Zach to teach me this emotionally.

Zach was as much or more healthy a man wearing a tutu and singing and dancing on a theater stage as when he blocked and caught passes on a football field. His courage to do both makes him, in my mind, a remarkable human being.

“Zach, my son, you the man.”

Psychotherapist Randy Flood is director and co-founder of the Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan and co-author (with Charlie Donaldson) of Stop Hurting the Woman You Love (Hazeldon, 2006).

He has created counseling programs for men and offers workshops and trainings for professionals. He can be reached at RFlood@fountainhillcenter.com. Zach is currently at Indiana University majoring in psychology.

Boys, Bullies and Parents’ Fears

Alfalfa, Butch and The Little Rascals © Hal Roach Studios/Genius Entertainment

By Sarah Werthan Buttenwieser

here’s a particular type of fear that parenting invites, which grafts past onto future, as in, I don’t want what happened to me to happen to my kid. For one friend who may have just become a father by the time you read this, that fear looms as boyhood (he does not know the gender of the imminent arrival). Bullied, teased, generally not a “boys’ boy,” he fears a repeat for a boy of his. At dinner recently, he said, “I wouldn’t know how to help him if he was ridiculed for being the kind of boy I was.” I asked what he meant. He answered, “Brainy.

Not athletic. My parents didn’t help me; they didn’t know how to help. And I certainly didn’t know how to help myself. I’m scared I’d be unable to protect my son from being teased or bullied.”

The kind of boy my friend was resembles the kind of man he is: smart, committed, intel-

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lectually and politically engaged, caring and kind. He still does not focus upon traditional “male” pursuits: playground games or team sports, engaging in miscellaneous mischief, combat or wilderness adventures. He resembles many men I know, men more comfortable in their minds—ideas, intellect or emotion— than their bodies. He’s not terribly handy or terribly interested in becoming handy. I married a guy like that, with soft hands and soft heart, sharp mind. Like my husband, like my friend Bill, many men are not conventional warriors, even though cultural expectations about boys and men seem to support the idea that men are inherently combative, competitive, brusque creatures. That men must live up to action figure ideals is—I’d hope this would be obvious—untrue. Yet from blue baby clothing to fatigues, brawny men franchises and competitive elementary

school sports teams, the notion that there’s some monolithic “real” boy prevails, even if it may be more fantasy than fact.

Like us, my friend is living in a very progressive town where being a brainy boy is likely to be more tolerated than in a more conventional suburb like the New York one where he was raised. Lots of us chose to live here because, as communities go, ours is extremely tolerant and accepting about gender roles. Intellectually, my friend knows that no child is an actual carbon copy of his or her parent, but let’s face it; deep-seated fear is deep-seated fear.

Ever since our dinner, I’ve been reflecting upon how my three boys have evolved into what most people (I think) would call nonstereotypic boys, and what I think their experience outside the mainstream has been like.

To help tell you who they are, here’s what they’re not: they are not constantly loud and boisterous (although sometimes…) and they are not jocks. They are not monosyllabic or unemotional. They are not hooked upon fancy electronic games (because they don’t have those gadgets, but indeed, they do enjoy some computer games). They do not have crew cuts or feel—at ages 13, 11 and 6—terribly passionate about trucks, monsters, dinosaurs, astronauts or the military (the eldest is a pacifist; the other two enjoy some sports and they both went through major toddler and preschool truck and construction fixations).

What they are: magnificent individuals. If we’ve done something right as parents, it’s simply that we so enjoy each one. Their interests include environmentalism, politics, writing, art, cooking, ballet, theater and sports. Two have very long hair (too long, according to their grandfather) and the other went from long hair to above the shoulder just a year ago, donating his ten-inch ponytail to Locks for Love in the process.

All these attributes, though, don’t really address my friend’s fear. The thing is, I had my version of that same fear when Ezekiel, my eldest (the one who does ballet, theater, and cannot leave the house without book in hand), was smaller. Back in preschool, his favorite game was pretending to be Alice in Wonderland, and his turning-six birthday party was a Mad Hatter’s Tea, which he attended as Alice (in costume). Releasing my precociously literary, dress-wearing, longhaired, pretty son into the world of elementary school, with playgrounds and gym classes and—I was told—the girls and boys not playing together (not necessarily true) after he’d spent his last year of preschool almost exclusively palling around with a girl felt pretty terrifying. What if he was bullied for being this particular kind of boy and I couldn’t protect him? And if I was worried about kindergarten, what of, say, middle school or high school or the big bad world, where a bookish, small, pretty man with long hair (if Summer 2009

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he remained bookish, small and pretty with long hair) could be vulnerable?

What happened to Bill should not continue happening. I think he’ll feel at least somewhat relieved by the idea that the American Academy of Pediatrics is finally weighing in on bullying with a new statement, based upon the work of Dan Olweus, a researcher of school violence in Scandinavia. According to Dr. Robert Sage, chief author of the statement: “Olweus’s genius is that he manages to turn the school situation around so the other kids realize that the bully is someone who has a problem managing his or her behavior, and the victim is someone they can protect.” The other lead author, Dr. Joseph Wright, noted that a quarter of all children report that they have been involved in bullying, either as bullies or as victims. Protecting children from intentional injury is a central task of pediatricians, he said, and “bullying prevention is a subset of that activity.” In essence, what the AAP, suggests is a whole system approach that does not tolerate social exclusion, taunting or bullying in the school building or on the playground. By placing the burden on the school—including a requirement for parental involvement—to talk through these behaviors—rather than tolerate them—things shift for the victim and for the bully. Dr. Sage points out that “zero tolerance” programs that push bullies from the school system only serve to “push the debt forward.”

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The author’s son Ezekiel, now 13.

Save for kindergarten, where he, and a lot of other kids, fell victim to a bully who fortunately moved away, Ezekiel has not really suffered at all as a long-haired, ballet dancing and sport-averse intellectual bibliophile. All the way through, he’s been generally accepted, respected and embraced for the kid he is. Meanwhile, the next brother, Lucien, likes sports and art and politics. None of his closest pals are gender conformists: one shaggy-haired sports and math and art loving boy, another shaggy-haired art and no-sports boy, a short-haired sports and ballet boy, who prefers girls’ clothing, and two short-haired, sports-loving girls. I think of this group not as a fringe, but rather as holding the middle ground between the poles of girly girls and

macho boys. The littler of my boys, Remy, had the longest hair in kindergarten and would tell you proudly that he’s the best kickball player. First grade looms.

At 13, Ezekiel just finished his first year of middle school. I can’t say my fear of bullies is gone—to the contrary—I know they exist; I know the stakes get higher. I know, too, that he is secure about who he is, which is probably what will allow him to get help if he needs it.

I trust he’ll let the rest roll off his back. I can’t change societal images of boys and girls or men and women, but in our household, no one is confined to conventional definitions, and that’s the only thing I can actually assure.

I’m certain my friend will see—boy or girl—his kid simply rocks. All the time spent, conversations had, games played, and loving pride this new dad beams in his little one’s direction will no doubt help generate a renewable supply of anti-bully sustenance—fuel, hopefully, his child will never need to use.

Sarah Werthan Buttenwieser worked as a reproductive rights organizer before turning to writing. Her work has appeared in newspapers and magazines including USA Today, The Philadelphia Inquirer, and Newsday, Brain Child, Earth Island Journal and Ars Medica, and websites including Mothers Movement Online and Literary Mama. Her blog, Standing in the Shadows, can be found at the Valley Advocate, http://www.valleyadvocate.com/blogs/home.cfm?uid=92)/

OutLines

Why I’m Such an Angry Faggot

here are a number of folks out there who really do not get it when it comes to our fights for social justice. I believe every person has the right to marry the person or persons of their choosing, but marriage is not the answer to the problem that is bigotry, racism, classism, and homophobia. I mention this because I have realized that many of my straight friends and allies (as well as many of my middle class and mostly white gay friends) don’t get that what we’re really fighting for is an end to discrimination and oppression as well as social and cultural equity and that marriage equality is just one part of that—one small part that is highly publicized and heavily funded by money that could be used for HIV prevention and treatment, providing access to housing

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and health care for highly marginalized LGBTQI folks, and a plethora of other issues that need immediate attention.

But back to the issue of straight people in queer space. Some straight people have spent a great deal of time and energy hurting us. As young children, we were called names, bullied, assaulted and told that being queer was pretty much the absolute worst thing that a person could do or be. We fought to overcome feelings of shame and guilt about our sexuality and had to come to terms with who we are and who we love and who we want to have sex with, often at the cost of family, friends, financial resources, and much needed love and support for some.

As we have gotten older and gay rights, issues regarding AIDS, and marriage equality debates have played out on the national scene, we have had to defend ourselves from bad science and lies that insinuated or just stated that we were disgusting, sinful, sick pedophiles who were to blame for the downfall of this country and society. And the expectation was that we would just keep fighting and fighting and fighting, taking blow after blow. Never give up.

As we all know, there was a brutal campaign to support Proposition Eight in California over the past year. We had to sit and watch as advertisement after advertisement scared voters by telling them that their children would have to be taught about us in their schools and that churches would lose their taxexempt status for discriminating against us. And we had to defend ourselves by saying that wasn’t true and that those were just lies and scare tactics. (Instead of saying “Hell, Yes!” you have to teach about us and our struggles in schools and that churches need to pay taxes if they are promoting discrimination and/or engaging in political activism.) We even had to watch our own anti–Prop Eight campaigns make statements about how it was okay to not think that same-sex marriage was okay but “you don’t want to take away anyone’s rights, right?” Fuck you.

This hurts us. It slashes into our souls and makes us hemorrhage.

We are left wounded, defeated, and sometimes feel like lying down to die. Straight people—I ask you to think about what it must feel like to have your life, your very existence discussed and debated in an open forum. Forget about the negative, hateful rhetoric for a second. Just think about strangers talking about your life and debating your rights on television. Think about the public being allowed to vote on how you live or what rights you have. This alone is enough to make you feel as though you weren’t as good as everyone else. Now add the vitriol and hate—sulfuric acid thrown into an open wound. Think about being www.whitehouse.org

When the Obama administration came out defending the indefensible Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) in mid-June, the outrage among gays and allies could be heard from coast to coast. Christopher White, a San Francisco gay rights activist, was among the angry and pulled no punches. He says he caused a bit of a stir on his Facebook page when he posted the following update: “Christopher White wonders why straight people like to take over queer spaces. Actually, not wonders, but Fuck Off!” He expressed surprise when some of his straight friends reacted to this statement, and felt a need to explain. It “seemed to fan the flames of the discussion, and I marveled at the gays vs. straights dialogue that unfolded.”

The Department of Justice brief defending DOMA “took the defense to a heinous level,” White says, “by using court cases regarding incest and pedophilia to support upholding this discriminatory legislation.” It stated that homosexuals were not denied any rights or had any rights taken away by DOMA. “If we want the rights afforded to married couples, all we have to do is get married —to someone of the opposite gender.” Spending the day reading the brief and the many interpretations and opinions did not leave White in “the most loving of moods.”

Later that same night, following several conversations regarding the ways queer people get treated in society, he met some friends at a gay bar in San Francisco. There he encountered “large groups of straight (white) hipsters engaging in an idiotic ritual of chanting ‘shot! shot! shot!’ then cheering when the shot was downed. It was offensive and oppressive, and I wanted them to get out of our queer space. Would I have been offended by a group of gays doing this? Probably. But there is something that is very straight, very white, and very male about this ritual, so it pissed me off.” The commingling of a stifling federal dictum and the invasion of his personal queer space provoked White’s ruminations on the LGBTQI fight for equality.

By Christopher White

[continued on page 24] Summer 2009

17

Rio’s Rhythms of Peace

Rob Okun

Gende r Equalit y ’s Global R each

ver five days at the end of March and beginning of April nearly 450 men and women from 80 countries around the world made their way to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Their goal: to chart a course on the next leg of the journey to healthy manhood. The symposium, “Engaging Men and Boys in Achieving Gender Equality,” was hosted by an alliance of organizations with long histories toiling in the vineyards of gender justice. The harvest they brought to Rio included inspiration, hopefulness, excitement and gratitude, eagerly shared with delegates from countries on every continent on the globe.

Hosts included the Rio-based Promundo; Instituto Papai, also from Brazil; the White Ribbon Campaign from Canada, the United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA); Save the Children Sweden; and the MenEngage Alliance, a global network of organizations and programs engaging men and boys in gender equality.

Delegates met at a hotel on the Atlantic coast where gentle waves lapped along a sweep of beach beneath the legendary 1300-foot-high Pao de Acucar (Sugar Loaf), a mountain at the mouth of Guanabara Bay. Plenary sessions were simultaneously translated into English, Spanish and Portuguese, where “possibility” seemed like a word in Esperanto—conveying an energy that the gathering might be able to accelerate the pace of change in addressing the symposium’s three overarching themes: 1) Men and violence, including men’s use of physical violence against women, sexual violence, and the gendered dimensions of violence between men; 2) Men and health, including sexual and reproductive health, HIV/AIDS, substance use, maternal and child health, and mental health; and 3) Men, care giving and fatherhood, including work-life balance and engaging men to a greater extent in care giving, often in the context of HIV/AIDS. The symposium had an ambitious set of goals, including: increasing men’s and boys’ involvement in promoting gender equality and reducing violence against women by scaling up existing work; building skills and capacity of NGOs committed to working with men and boys for gender equality; promoting dialogue between existing NGO efforts, policy makers and the private sector; highlighting existing policies and best practices that could be reproduced to promote greater gender equality through the involvement of men and boys; and to build, strengthen, and expand a growing international network of programs, activists and policy 18

Voice Male

makers dedicated to engaging men and boys in gender equality.

While a centerpiece of the symposium was a global village of booths showcasing the work of U.N. agencies, governments, foundations, universities and grassroots activist organizations—including Voice Male—it was hotel conversations over breakfast and lunch, and late night gatherings at restaurants and cafes in Ipanema and other night spots around Rio that sizzled with international shop talk.

Names seen on email listservs for years came to life as colleagues from Namibia and Norway and India and Australia broke bread together.

Throughout the gathering delegates had ample opportunities to view an uplifting global photography exhibit on fatherhood, “Engaging Men for Positive Change,” offering a tender international perspective on men nurturing children.

By the last day, tired, inspired, and facing long flights home, delegates got a final energy boost: the first public presentation of the “Rio Call to Action” read by many voices, in many languages.

More than simultaneous translations, it was the language of change delegates all spoke fluently. As delegates said goodbyes, exchanging hugs was as important as exchanging business cards. The movement for gender justice is growing along with a global consciousness articulating a vision of a world at peace. The struggles in individual countries, cities and states, and in homes and families on every continent, may remain but many at the Rio symposium experienced a lightening of the heart learning what others around the world are doing. Like a Brazilian band playing long and loud into the sparkling Rio night, maybe the symposium’s rhythms of peace will be clearly heard pulsing around the globe in the days ahead.

—Rob Okun

RIO GENDER EQUALITY CONFERENCE HOSTS Promundo Institute, www. promundo.org Instituto Papai, www.papai.org.br White Ribbon Campaign, www.whiteribbon.ca United Nations Population Fund, www.unfpa.org Save the Children Sweden, www.savethechildren.se MenEngage Alliance, www.menengage.org

Global Symposium on Engaging Men and Boys in Achieving Gender Equality Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, March 29–April 3, 2009

T h e R i o D e c l a r at i o n O f Gender Independence e come from eighty countries.

We are men and women, young and old, working side by side with respect and shared goals. We are active in community organizations, religious and educational institutions; we are representatives of governments, NGOs and the United Nations. work to put food on the table. Too many men carry the deep scars of trying to live up to the impossible demands of manhood and find terrible solace in risk-taking, violence, self-destruction or the drink and drugs sold to make a profit for others. Too many men experience violence at the hands of other men. Too many men are stigmatized and punished for the simple fact that they love, desire and have sex with other men.

WE ARE HERE because we know that the time when women stood alone in speaking out against discrimination and violence—that this time is coming to an end. We also know this: This belief in the importance of engaging men and boys is no longer a remote hope. We see the emergence of organizations and campaigns that are directly involving hundreds of thousands, millions of men in almost every country on the planet. We hear men and boys speaking out against violence, practicing safer sex, and supporting women’s and girls’ reproductive rights. We see men caring, loving, and nurturing for other men and for women.

WE SEE MEN WHO EMBRACE the daily challenges of looking after babies and children, and delight in their capacity to be nurturers. We see many men caring for the planet and rejecting conquering nature just as men once conquered women. We are gathering not simply to celebrate our first successes, but, with all the strength we possess, to appeal to parents, teachers, and coaches, to the media and businesses, to our governments, NGOs, religious institutions, and the United Nations, to mobilize the political will and economic resources required to increase the scale and impact of work with men and boys to promote gender equality. We know how critical it is that institutions traditionally controlled by men reshape their policies and priorities to support gender equality and the well-being of women, children, and men. And we know that a critical part of that is to reshape the world of men and boys, the beliefs of men and boys, and the lives of men and boys. [continued on next page]

Clay Jones, White Ribbon Campaign

WE SPEAK MANY LANGUAGES, we look like the diverse peoples of the world and carry their diverse beliefs and religions, cultures, physical abilities, and sexual and gender identities. We are indigenous peoples, immigrants, and ones whose ancestors moved across the planet. We are fathers and mothers, daughters and sons, brothers and sisters, partners and lovers, husbands and wives.

WHAT UNITES US is our strong outrage at the inequality that still plagues the lives of women and girls, and the self-destructive demands we put on boys and men. But even more so, what brings us together here is a powerful sense of hope, expectation, and possibility for we have seen the capacity of men and boys to change, to care, to cherish, to love passionately, and to work for justice for all.

WE ARE OUTRAGED by the pandemic of violence women face at the hands of some men, by the relegation of women to second class status, and the continued domination by men of our economies, of our politics, of our social and cultural institutions, in far too many of our homes. We also know that among women there are those who fare even worse because of their social class, their religion, their language, their physical differences, their ancestry, their sexual orientation, or simply where they live.

THERE ARE DEEP COSTS to boys and men from the ways our societies have defined men’s power and raised boys to be men. Boys deny their humanity in search of an armor-plated masculinity. Young men and boys are sacrificed as cannon fodder in war for those men of political, economic, and religious power who demand conquest and domination at any cost. Many men cause terrible harm to themselves because they deny their own needs for physical and mental care or lack services when they are in need.

TOO MANY MEN SUFFER because our male-dominated world is not only one of power of men over women, but of some groups of men over others. Too many men, like too many women, live in terrible poverty, in degradation, or are forced to do body- or soul-destroying

Summer 2009

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Global Symposium on Engaging Men and Boys in Achieving Gender Equality Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, March 29–April 3, 2009

The Rio Plan of Action: Highlights • Change men’s gender-related attitudes and practices. Effective programs and processes have led men and boys to stand up against violence and for gender equality in both their personal lives and their communities.

• Work with the women’s movement for women’s empowerment and rights in our commitment to contribute to the myriad efforts to achieve gender equality.

• Work against violence in all its forms: against women, against children, among men, and in armed conflict.

• Challenge economic and political policies and institutions that drive inequalities.

• Continue to build the evidence base for gender-transformative programs through research and program evaluations to determine which strategies are most successful in different cultural contexts.

The Call to Action 1. Individuals should take action within their communities and be agents of change to promote gender equality.

2. Community-based organizations should continue their groundbreaking work to challenge the status quo of gender and other inequalities and actively model social change.

3. Non-governmental organizations should develop and build on programs, interventions and services that are based on the needs, rights and aspirations of their communities, are accountable and reflect the principles in this document.

They should develop synergies with other relevant social movements, and establish mechanisms for monitoring and reporting on government commitments.

• Commit to strengthening the role of fathers and supporting men in positive fatherhood.

• Put in place strategies that shift gender norms and encourage men to share with women the joys and burdens of caring for others.

• Recognize and affirm sexual diversity among men and boys, and support the positive rights of men of all sexualities to sexual pleasure and well-being.

• Take urgent action to implement evidence-based prevention, treatment, care and support strategies that address the gendered dimensions of HIV and AIDS, meet the needs of people living with HIV and AIDS, ensure access to treatment, challenge stigma and discrimination, and support men to reduce risk-taking behaviors and improve access to and use of HIV services.

• Create an environment where girls and boys are viewed as equals, enjoy dignified labor and easy access to quality education, and live lives free from violence, including forced marriage.

• Urgently act to reverse the damage done to our environment and facilitate the process of healing.

• Celebrate diversity, including differences based on race, ethnicity, age, sexual and gender diversities, religion, physical ability and class.

• Increase resources allocated to women’s equality overall to achieve gender equality, including among men and boys.

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Voice Male

Rob Okun

4. Governments should repeal all discriminatory laws and act on their existing international and UN obligations and commitments, prioritize and allocate resources to gender transformative interRio photo exhibit celebrating fathers and children. ventions, and develop policies, frameworks and concrete implemen• End sexual violence and exploitation through holistic strategies from the global to local level to engage men and boys in chal- tation plans that advance this agenda, including through working lenging attitudes that give men dominance, and to treat all human with other governments and adherence to the Paris Principles. beings with dignity and respect.

5. The private sector should promote workplaces that are gender • Work with men and boys to fully support and promote the equitable and free from violence and exploitation, and direct their sexual health and reproductive rights of women, girls, boys and corporate social responsibility towards inclusive social change. other men.

• Promote physical, mental, and emotional health among boys and young men and enable them to acquire health-seeking behaviors for themselves, as well as for their families.

6. Media and entertainment industries role in maintaining and reinforcing traditional and unequal gender norms has to be addressed, confronted and alternatives supported.

7. Donors should redirect their resources towards the promotion of inclusive programming for gender equality and inclusive social justice, including changes to laws and policies, and develop synergies among donors.

8. The United Nations must show leadership in these areas, innovatively and proactively support member states to promote gender equitable and socially transformative law, policy and practice, including through interagency coordination as articulated in the One UN approach. We must invest in men and boys to become engaged in changing their behavior and attitudes towards gender equality supported by communities, systems and national policies.

To read the complete Call to Action go to: engagingmen.wordpress.com/2009/04/03/the-rio-declaration

Summer 2009

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Fathering

It’s Time to Reinvent Father’s Day

By Rob Okun s it possible for society to long assumed as our birthright. comfortably celebrate a We have to be willing to ditch the holiday like Father’s Day in Politically old model of men as king of the the middle of a domestic violence minded castle. There are greater rewards epidemic? I know that suffering across the moat in the vineyards of Compassionate and celebrating are simultaneous equality: an increase in emotional Heart Clear Visioned truths in life. Somehow this year literacy. Closer connections with I feel a particular urgency—and the women and other men in our sense an opportunity—to go out lives. Deeper relationships with on a limb and advocate transour children. forming how we celebrate our Much was made of Presifathers on the third Sunday of dent Obama inviting his wife on each June. Why now? In part, a couple of dates not long ago. because fatherhood has perhaps Commentators were atwitter with never been more visible than Non-Violent how unfair many men felt it was, today, thanks to the current Gentle claiming the president had raised occupant of the White House Handed the relationship bar too high. I (and the vice president, who for don’t think President Obama many years was a single dad). deserves extra points for paying My recommendation? Reinvent attention to his marriage or his Father’s Day from a celebration of men continue to perpetuate a cruel lie children. Yes, he’s modeling how of consumerism to one of activism. positing that it’s okay for men to beat the a man and father ought to act, but I suspect Even though it’s a minority of men woman they proclaim to love. Outrageous. he’d agree that he merits no special pat on who perpetrate violence against women, It’s got to stop. the back for doing so. the results are devastating. Think what I know the vast majority of fathers— The idea behind Father’s Day as a it could mean if next Father’s Day was and men—aren’t violent. Yet there’s a time to acknowledge all that it takes to the first when men across the country small, vocal element out there actively raise children—and the precious gift it consciously stepped forward to be peace- promoting a dangerous, tough-guy brand is to be a parent—is a wonderful reason makers in our families. Grandfathers, of masculinity. If the majority of nonviofor celebration. But in a world where too sons, brothers, uncles, nephews, cousins, lent men stand mute, then manhood ends and neighbors could all join dads. There up being defined by screaming dads threat- many fathers and men are angry, hurt, and would be plenty of time for suppertime ening coaches at Little League games, hurting others, maybe it’s time for a morabarbecues if we spent Father’s Day advo- Rush Limbaugh and his ilk, and untold torium on conventional Father’s Day gift cating on behalf of women’s and girls’ brooding brothers-in-law restricting giving. Maybe some of the millions going safety and, at the same time, for boys’ and contact with your sister. We can’t let that to Hallmark and Wal-Mart could be better men’s growth. If we can’t work to achieve happen. The days of “Hey, I’m a good guy, directed to a fund supporting women’s peace in our homes, how can we expect to I don’t abuse my wife, assault women, or and girls’ safety, and boys’ and men’s education. Maybe the president and vice end violence between nations? insist her ‘no’ really meant ‘yes’” should Scan the headlines and there’s likely long be over. To challenge a twisted president would be among the first to make to be a story about a guy who’s beaten definition of masculinity that condones contributions. That would be a stimulus up his wife or girlfriend. Where I live men subjugating women requires leaving package I could really get behind. in western Massachusetts, earlier in the the sidelines of silence for the playing summer a man beat to death his partner, fields of action. It’s a cop-out to claim this the 27-year-old daughter of friends of epidemic is a women’s issue. For decades Rob Okun is editor of Voice Male. Versions friends. It knocked the wind out of me. It women have been doing the heavy lifting of this commentary were posted on Father’s always does. to prevent domestic violence. More men Day on Alternet.org and published on the Over the years I’ve spoken at rallies need to join. Now. opinion pages of the Springfield (Mass.) in the aftermath of domestic violence To start, we need to take a hard look Sunday Republican and the Daily Hampmurders and it gets no easier. A minority at the privilege and entitlement we’ve shire Gazette (Northampton, Mass.).

I

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Voice Male

Fathering

Remembering the Loneliness of Fatherhood

By E. Ethelbert Miller n Father’s Day I was hundreds of miles away from my son and daughter. They are 22 and 27 and living in two different cities. I’m not a missing dad. I’ve never been missing.

Neither was my father. I come from the tradition of quiet and silent men. The tradition of fathers who never left their wives and children, but instead “disappeared” into basements, back rooms, back porches and bedroom corners. The tradition of men who could always be found asleep in front of a television set or sitting in the dark mumbling at walls.

I come from the tradition of fathers who were watchers and providers; men who were ignored or unable to help during emergencies. My fatherhood has been defined by such things as the inability to drive, master the tools in a toolbox, or place a star at the top of a Christmas tree. How many times during a family crisis did my wife just pick up the phone and call her brother in Iowa or a friend living down the street?

Within his own home, my father was never viewed as “the smart one.” This title was bestowed on my brother Richard, his firstborn, and later my sister as a result of her becoming a nurse. Every family should have someone in the medical profession. It’s like having a second key or a smoke detector that works.

I grew up watching my father pushed into the corners of rooms at family gatherings in Brooklyn. No one ever looked to him for an opinion. I never heard him having any major political agreement or disagreement with someone. My father was invisible until someone died. That was when he became a man of comfort for relatives that he always considered distant.

When I think about my father, I am reminded about the loneliness that comes with fatherhood. I am reminded of the intimacy that never raised its hand. Stoic is a

E. Ethelbert Miller: Shyree Mezick

O

E. Ethelbert Miller and his father Egberto Miller.

word I can’t use to describe him. Sadness seems like the proper sweater he could have worn.

My father, Egberto Miller, coming home late from work, night after night.

My mother always up and ready to fix him something to eat. Yet how often did she join him at the table? Where was the intimacy?

Was it the darkness outside the kitchen window? Did my parents just simply speak a common language?

The shadow of my father continues to fall over my fatherhood, as the period of my life moves toward fall. My children are grown. They are perhaps a few years from

becoming parents. I picked up the newspaper recently and read where President Obama wants to begin a national conversation on fatherhood. A conversation, maybe that’s what was missing during all my days of fatherhood. A conversation, not a lecture or an explanation. A conversation where one talks and listens, and where one is listened to.

How many of us live quiet lives of desperation? We live without partners, within and outside marriage.

We talk about fathers and fatherhood but we often lip sync. We say those things we want others to hear. My father never really said much to me. My conversation was always with my mother, as I find my own children are with theirs.

What we never seem to talk about is how the men who stayed with their families suffered from the absence of intimacy in their lives. We never talk about the quiet death of their hearts. We fail to record these stories because we prefer myths and fairy tales. We want to believe in happy endings, especially on Father’s Day. I remember my father at Father’s Day because he was a good man.

Was he happy? No. I overheard my father praying one day to God. I was little at the time. I was surprised to see my father on his knees in the bedroom. I was even more surprised when God didn’t answer.

E. Ethelbert Miller is a literary activist and the board chair of the Institute for Policy Studies (IPS) in Washington, D.C. He is a board member of The Writer’s Center and editor of Poet Lore magazine.

Since 1974, he has been the director of the African American Resource Center at Howard University. Mr. Miller is the former chair of the Humanities Council of Washington, D.C., and a former core faculty member of the Bennington Writing Seminars at Bennington College.

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Why I’m an Angry Faggot [continued from page 17]

told that you are worthless, sick, disgusting, horrible, sinful, nasty, and not even worthy of living. Now think of this happening every single day of your life. You might start to feel just a little angry.

When I hear stories of black transgender women being murdered and the media failing to pick up the story and the white leaders of the LGBT movement failing to speak out against this horrible crime, I feel sick and angry. When I hear stories of a lesbian dying alone in a hospital room with her partner of 20 years and biological children being denied the right to be by her side, I feel sick and angry. When I read a story about a child killing himself because he was ridiculed, suspected of being gay, I cry, and I feel sick and angry.

I get asked why I’m so angry. Now, you know. Please don’t ask me to stop screaming and yelling when I hear someone call someone (usually me) faggot or dyke. I know it’s not always safe to speak out, but I have to do so.

Please understand that if I get pissed because my queer space is invaded by straight people it’s because I need—we need—sanctuary. And please, please, please don’t just give lip service to gay rights and don’t just show up at a march.

I need for you to get pissed off. We need for you to get pissed off.

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Voice Male

“When I read a story about a child killing himself because he was ridiculed, suspected of being gay, I cry, and I feel sick and angry.”

When you see me start acting crazy and ready to riot, don’t tell me to calm down. Pick up a stick. Start screaming like an insane person. And let’s scare the hell out of them.

We have a long, long way to go before achieving social justice for marginalized populations in this country. We aren’t going to do it by always being nice, and we aren’t going to do it by focusing solely on marriage equality.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you for continuing to help us make the world just a little better.

Christopher White, Ph.D., is the director of education and training at the National Sexuality Resource Center at San Francisco State University. Dr. White has taught courses on human sexuality, child and adolescent health, and drugs and society at UT-Austin and UTSan Antonio. He has developed various sexual health and HIV prevention programs, including innovative programming that combined sexuality education with video production instruction for GLBT youth.

Eight Steps [continued from page 8]

Practice vulnerability with other men, and you will find it becomes even easier to be vulnerable with the women in your life. Deepening your friendship with a man leads to deepening your friendship with yourself. And this allows you to become more accessible to women, men, children—everyone in your life.

Barry Vissell, M.D., together with his wife Joyce since 1964, is the co-author of The Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The Heart’s Wisdom and Meant to Be. Barry is a medical doctor and psychiatrist whose main interest since 1972 has been counseling and teaching. He has traveled internationally conducting talks and workshops on men’s issues, relationship, and personal growth. Founder and president of the Shared Heart Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to changing the world one heart at a time, he and Joyce live near Santa Cruz, California.

To learn more about their work, visit www. sharedheart.org.

Stay Connected!

Visit Voice Male’s website voicemalemagazine.org

Violence Violen c e Aga Against in s t Wom Women en Is A Alway lway s a M Me e n’s n ’s I s s u e

www.whiteribboncampaign.co.uk

By Michael Micha el Flood

by norms of a sexual double standard, victimblaming, and the myth of an uncontrollable male sexuality. Poverty, alcoholism, drug abuse, and mental illness all are further risk factors. And violence against women also is shaped by race, class, sexuality, and other social divisions.

Of course, males too are the victims of violence. While boys and men are the large majority of perpetrators of violence, boys and men often are also the victims. Males are beaten up, bullied and sexually assaulted.

Boys and men are most at risk of violence from other boys and men. Ending violence to girls and women and ending violence to boys and men is part of the same struggle—to create a world based on equality, justice and non-violence.

Men’s Positive Roles

Many British Fire Service staff were involved in commemorating the International Day to Eradicate Violence against Women, part of the White Ribbon Campaign.

Violence against women remains at epidemic levels. Most men are not violent, and most treat the women in their lives with respect and care, says Michael Flood, a leading Australian researcher on violence prevention, men and gender, fathering, and sexual and reproductive health. Yet most men, Flood says, “have done little to challenge the violence perpetrated by a minority of men.

Men have a crucial role to play in joining with women to end this violence and helping to build a culture based on non-violence and gender equality.” ost men know that domestic violence and sexual assault are wrong, but we have done little to reduce this violence in our lives, families and communities. Too many men believe common myths about violence, have ignored women’s fears and concerns about their safety, and have stayed silent in the face of other men’s violence-supportive attitudes and behaviors.

The good news: a growing number of men are taking public action to help end violence against women.

Where I live, in Australia, physical and sexual assault and abuse are the experience of substantial numbers of girls and women.

The most recent Australian data, in 2006, come from a national survey of 16,500 adults by the Australian Bureau of Statistics. The Personal Safety Survey reveals there are still unacceptably high levels of violence against women. In the last 12 months, one in 20 women were victims of physical or sexual violence—this represents more than 440,000 women. Women are most at risk in the home, and from men they know. Since the age of 15,

M

more than three million women—40 percent of all women—have experienced violence.

Close to one in three women (29 percent) have experienced physical assault, and close to one in five women (17 percent) have experienced sexual assault.

Similar findings come from an earlier national survey by the Australian Institute of Criminology. It found that over their lifetime, 57 percent of women reported experiencing at least one incident of physical or sexual violence. We know too that young women are at greater risk than older women, especially of sexual assault, and that indigenous women face particularly high risks of assault and homicide.

We know too that this violence has a profound and damaging impact on its victims and on the community as a whole. When women are physically assaulted by male partners or ex-partners, or forced into sex, or constantly threatened and abused, it leaves deep physical, and psychological, scars.

Violence against women is shaped by a wide variety of social factors, at personal, situational, and social levels. But we know that this violence is more likely in contexts where manhood is defined as about dominance, toughness, or male honor. Most men don’t ever use violence against their wives or girlfriends.

But those men who do are more likely to have sexist, rigid, and hostile gender-role attitudes.

There are higher rates of domestic violence in cultures and contexts where violence is seen as a normal way to settle conflicts, men feel entitled to power over women, family gender relations are male-dominated, husband-wife relations are seen as private, and women are socially isolated. Sexual violence is shaped

Men have a crucial role to play in preventing the physical and sexual violence that so many women suffer, and men have much to gain from doing so. To end this violence, men themselves need to take part. While a minority of men use violence against women, too many men condone this violence, ignoring, trivializing, or even laughing about it.

There are simple, positive steps any man can take to be part of the solution. Educate yourself. Find out about the violence that many women experience. Don’t condone the view that the victim is to blame. Check out how men treat the women around us.

Speak out when friends, relatives, or others use violence or abuse. Be a good role model, whether you’re a dad, a boss, a teacher or a coach. And, beyond these individual actions, take part in public actions and campaigns such as the White Ribbon Campaign (www.whiteribbon.ca). The White Ribbon Campaign focuses on the positive roles that men can play in helping to stop violence against women. It is built on a fundamental hope and optimism for both women’s and men’s lives, and a fundamental belief that both women and men have a stake in ending violence against women.

It Really Is a Men’s Issue Violence against women is actually a “men’s issue” because it is men’s wives, partners, mothers, sisters, daughters, and friends whose lives are limited by violence and abuse.

It’s a men’s issue because, as community leaders and decision-makers, men can play a key role in helping stop violence against women. It’s a men’s issue because men can speak out and step in when male friends and relatives insult or attack women. And it’s a men’s issue because a minority of men treat women and girls with contempt and violence, [continued on next page] Summer 2009

25

and it is up to the majority of men who don’t to help create a culture in which such behavior is unacceptable.

While most men treat women with care and respect, violence against women is men’s problem. Some men’s violence gives all men a bad name. For example, if I am walking down the street at night and there is a woman walking in front of me, she is likely to think, “Is he following me? Is he about to assault me?” Some men’s violence makes all men seem a potential threat, makes all men seem dangerous.

Violence against women is men’s problem because many men find themselves dealing with the impact of other men’s violence on the women and children that we love.

Men struggle to respond to the emotional and psychological scars borne by our partners, wives, female friends and others, the damaging results of earlier experiences of abuse by other men.

Violence is men’s problem because sometimes we are the bystanders to other men’s violence. We make the choice: do we stay silent and look the other way when our male friends and relatives insult or attack women, or do we speak up? And of course, violence is men’s problem because sometimes we have used violence ourselves.

I’ve come to realize that violence against women is a deeply personal issue for men, just as it is for women. I’ve been saddened to realize how many of the women I know have had to deal with childhood abuse, forced

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sex, or controlling boyfriends. I’ve felt shock and despair in hearing about the harassment, threats, and humiliations that women experience far too often. I’ve felt angry at the victim-blaming I’ve sometimes heard from male colleagues and acquaintances. And I’ve been humbled and shamed in realizing my own ignorance and in reflecting on times when I may have been coercive or abusive.

At the same time, I’ve also felt inspired by the strength and courage of women who’ve lived through violence. I’ve found hope and energy in participating in a growing network of women and men who’ve taken on the challenge of working to stop violence against women. In making personal changes and taking collective action, I’ve found joy and delight in the enriching of my friendships with women and men and my relationships with women.

A Better World Men have a personal stake in ending violence against women. Men will benefit from a world free of violence against women, a world based on gender equality. In our relations with women, instead of experiencing distrust and disconnection we will find closeness and connection. We will be able to take up a healthier, emotionally in-touch and proud masculinity. Men’s sexual lives will be more mutual and pleasurable, rather than obsessive and predatory. And boys and men will be free from the threat of other men’s violence.

In campaigning against sexual and physical assault, it is important to remind ourselves of what we are for: friendships and relationships that are respectful and empowering; sexual lives based on consent, safety, and mutual pleasure; communities that are just and peaceful.

To really stop violence against women, we’ll need to change the social norms and power inequalities that feed into violence.

More men must join with women to encourage norms of consent, respect, and gender equality; to challenge the unfair power relations that promote violence; and, finally, to promote gender roles based on non-violence and gender justice.

Dr. Michael Flood is a Research Fellow at Autralia’s La Trobe University, funded by the Victorian Health Promotion Foundation (VicHealth). He has published research on best practices in primary prevention, how to engage men in violence prevention, factors shaping violence-supportive attitudes, young people’s experiences of violence in their relationships and families, and other issues. Dr. Flood also is a trainer and community educator with a long involvement in community advocacy and education work focused on men’s violence against women.

Men’s “Rights” from Your Kid’s Point of View

Big Stock Photo/Ned White

By Joe Kelly

ooperate with my ex? Really?”

When I offer resources like “12 Tips for Live-Away Dads,” I invariably get angry emails from a handful of men who dismissively say: “Get real, Joe!” These men seem disgusted that my tips encourage divorced dads to work and communicate with their exes (if at all possible) for the well-being of their shared children.

Such men tell me to either: 1) “Abandon your naive ‘feel good’ strategies and “man” the battle stations in the fight against the family court system, which is out to screw men”; and/or 2) “recognize that my ex is a low life b----h who had the child just to get money and turn the child against me.”

I understand that another parent—including a mother—can behave in extraordinarily destructive ways. Having been in the trenches of fathering work for a long time, I’ve heard just about every horror story there is to hear. I keep that reality very much in mind—and call on the help of numerous divorced dads—when creating resources for live-away dads.

But I also know that our children suffer when we blame other people, places or things for our problems and father from a position of bitterness, anger and resentment.

Our kids need us to focus on our own fathering; our words and actions, not the other parent’s. In the end, that’s all we can control.

As adults, our own words and actions are not predetermined by the words and actions of others, no matter how much difficulty we encounter.

When parents engage in (excuse the phrase) a pissing match, it creates a toxic rain falling on their kids. If such battles start, the children are far, far better off if one parent refuses to participate … when one parent is the sane, loving-no-matter-what person in a kid’s life. The person who refuses, regardless of the provocation, to wound their own flesh and blood by denigrating the other parent who made this child. Divorced dad and author Bill Klattte says denigrating your child’s other parent is like stabbing that child with a knife—because that’s how it feels to the kid who, after all, literally comes from that other parent.

Those who have followed my work over the years know I’m a hard-ass on this subject. My job as a dad is to work on strengthening my relationship with my children. The first, primary step in that

“C

process is self-examination: looking at my own attitudes, values, words and actions. Close on its heels is the step of responding to my self-examination—and the situations (including difficulties) that life presents—in ways that best support and strengthen my children’s physical, emotional, spiritual, social and psychological growth.

These steps regularly demand self-sacrifice. Self-sacrifice is seldom fun, but that’s life; if I didn’t want to have to engage in selfsacrifice, I should not have become a father.

Since I can never control the attitudes, behaviors or words of another person, my job is to keep my side of the street as clean as I possibly can—not matter what anyone else does. If I want to fight injustices in the family court system, then that requires two things of me: 1) That I do it without fostering an atmosphere of anger, bitterness and resentment in my home. My children should experience my fathering as a sanctuary of love, limits, affection, expectations, encouragement, stimulation, imagination and all the other traits that contribute to healthy childhood.

2) That I recognize (and fight) other similar injustices, like violence against women, racism, gender discrimination, homophobia and the like. Experiencing an injustice myself does not absolve my responsibility for the injustice(s) I might foster in the lives of others—even by being a silent bystander.

Bitterness and resentment have no place in parenting, no matter what injustices we or our children encounter in the world. Bitterness and resentment are terrible for our children, and not terribly effective for us, either. As the old saying goes: “Resentment is the sword with which we pierce our own soul.” Or as longtime University of Tennessee football coach Phillip Fullmer answered when asked if he resented being fired after many years of success and a national championship: “No, because resenting someone is like taking poison and expecting the other guy to die.”

I find it helpful to ask what the child is going to think and feel about the post-divorce custody and child support battles once one or both of her parents die. It’s even more compelling to keep in mind what I am going to think and feel about those bitter battles if my child dies. I know too many parents who have been in this latter boat, and they swear that they would endure any and every additional difficult circumstance in exchange for just one more precious moment with their child.

Like I said, I’m a hard ass on this subject. A fair number of people don’t like or respect that, but so be it. But even if you’re angry, please do yourself the favor of taking a deep breath, looking at the situation from your child’s point of view, and trying any one of my 12 Tips for Live-Away Dads (www.thedadman.com/12-tips-for-live-away-dads) I’m pretty sure that it will make your children’s life better…Maybe yours, too.

As a father, my job is my job and my life is not someone else’s fault. To think or act otherwise is to think and act as a child. And when I’m a dad, someone else gets to be the child—not me.

Voice Male contributing editor Joe Kelly has two adult daughters; he’s been married to their mother for nearly 30 years, but both he and his wife are children of divorce. Kelly is a speaker, blogger and author of seven books, including the best-seller Dads & Daughters®: How to Inspire, Support and Understand Your Daughter. He runs the website www.TheDadMan.com.

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Students Begin to Confront Campus Sexual Violence

By Stephanie Gilmore “SEXUAL VIOLENCE IS A PROBLEM ON THIS CAMPUS!”

Young feminists insist that no means no, each time and every time. At the same time, they join the chorus of those “YOUR SILENCE WILL NOT proclaiming that yes means yes! As they PROTECT YOU!” set boundaries around what is unaccept“WHAT DO WE WANT? SAFETY! able sexual behavior, they also create WHEN DO WE WANT IT? NOW!” space to articulate what constitutes feminist sex, rooted in pleasure in and joy n the limestone steps of Old from their bodies. These calls are not West, outside the admissions new—in fact, they are quite familiar—but building where campus tours we render them historically as yet another for new students and their parents begin divide; we even call it the “sex wars.” and end, and in front of the Board of Feminists in my circles, however, recogTrustees, hundreds of students shouted nize that both space and boundaries are these chants throughout the day on April critical to imagining and creating a world 24, at a protest against sexual assault and without rape. rape at Dickinson College, a selective The feminists on my campus come in liberal arts college in Carlisle, Pennsylall shapes and sizes, genders and sexual vania. This campus is not known historiidentities, racial configurations and class cally as a hotbed of activism. But when it backgrounds. They’re too busy building comes to sexual violence, feminists from coalitions with one another to focus excluall walks of life stormed the campus this sively on differences and divides, and one day, building on continued work within site of their feminist coalition work is and beyond administrative processes and sexual violence. conversations about campus culture.

Marginalizing this feminist work reinSexual harassment and assault, rape, forces repressive action when it comes to and other forms of sexual violence are Student protesters like those gathered at Dickinson College sexuality; it shuns important conversation not unique to my beloved community of in Carlisle, Pennsylvania, say sexual violence on campus is a and change in favor of an insistence on Dickinson College. They happen on every problem and they are fighting back. division in the form of feminist “waves.” college campus. Whether we look at the Feminists today are not looking to surf brilliantly suggests in a recent column in murders of Yang Xin, Emily Silverstein, another wave.

They are, as I call it in my The Nation.

She writes: “You wouldn’t and Johanna Justin-Jinich or the less personal but no less real statistics of rates of sexual know it from the media, but there are plenty forthcoming book, Groundswell: Grassroots assault on college campuses, our students of young feminists who do not see pole- Feminist Activism in Postwar America, part face what is nothing less than pandemic dancing as ‘empowering’ and do not aspire of the groundswell of feminism—formed and to star in a Girls Gone Wild video. Ariel informed by each other in their community misogyny. At its core: sexual violence.

Levy’s Female Chauvinist Pigs (see Voice as they fight back against sexual violence Sexual violence is a problem on our Male, Fall, 2006) sold very well on campus. and for sexual pleasure. campuses—and students are fighting back.

Their line in the sand—and the heart From losing their voices as they chant at These women don’t fit the wave story line, of their feminist work—is clear: no means however, so nobody interviews them.” a protest to finding their voices in deep no, and yes means yes. Because sexual I actually have interviewed some conversation with one another about how no violence is a problem, on and beyond college of the women who do not identify with means no—and yes means yes!—they are drawing a familiar line in the sand, and we Levy’s narrative or who eschew genera- campuses, and only when we acknowledge are wise to pay attention to it for the feminist tional conflict in favor of grassroots work. it can we make change. They are doing just activism it is, the histories it draws upon, and Because the young women and men who that. Are we strong enough to follow them? led this demonstration at my campus do the lessons we can learn from it.

Stephanie Gilmore is a feminist activist Alas, feminist women and men coming not believe that they will fuck or flash their and assistant professor of women’s and way to liberation, they fall off the radar together to confront sexual violence hardly gender studies at Dickinson College. She is even make the news, mainstream, feminist, screen. We ignore them because they don’t the editor of Feminist Coalitions: Historical fit into the second/third wave, mother/ or otherwise. Academics and activists alike Perspectives on Second-Wave Feminism have been arguing for several years now daughter divide that seems to dominate in the United States (University of Illinois that “waves” that demarcate crests and curls popular discourse around feminism these Press) and is currently writing Groundof feminist activism fundamentally obscure days. And to our peril, because they have swell: Grassroots Feminist Activism in what young feminists today are doing. so much to teach us about sexual politics as Postwar America (Routledge Press, 2011).

One result of this is so (too!) much hand- they continue to reemphasize how sexual This article first appeared in On the Issues: wringing over whether young feminists violence remains at the core of feminist The Progressive Woman’s Magazine, an important online publication (www.ontheistoday are paying attention, as Katha Pollitt activism in the 21st century. suesmagazine.com).

Dickinson College

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Books From the birthing room through early childhood and family relations, as well as the inner and outer dynamics of adult love relationships, Mauger outlines the impact of the father on the psyche. Drawing on her work as a Jungian psychotherapist and using her background as a birth teacher, she suggests ways in which fathers can support their partners in childbirth as well as fulfill their essential role in the early life of their children. Through riveting real life (and love) stories, she explores the inner landscape of love and relationship and exposes the need to reclaim father in order to recover a sense of inner wholeness.

For more information contact Benig Mauger, 00353 1 4970501 benmau@iol.ie www.soul-connections.com.

Advancing Social Justice Through Clinical Practice Etiony Aldarando, Editor Routledge, 2008, 518 pages; $59.95

Reclaiming Fatherhood: The Search for Wholeness in Men Women and Children

By Benig Mauger Soul Connections, 2004, 208 pages

James lost his father as a small boy. A creative man, he has a tendency to drift and cannot seem to settle down. Daniel is a poet struggling with his sexual identity, whilst Isabel is a woman in love who despairs about her relationships. Georgina falls for one Peter Pan after the other and Mark is still searching for his ideal woman.

All these characters have something in common—absent fathers. Even if not physically absent, fathers’ presence may not be adequately experienced, resulting in a diluted sense of masculinity in both men’s and women’s understanding. That’s part of the premise of Reclaiming Father: The Search for Wholeness in Men Women and Children by Benig Mauger, an Irish psychotherapist.

With divorce rates still significant, when men’s traditional roles are being re-examined, and as the number of children being raised without fathers remains high, Reclaiming Father casts its gaze on fathers’ role in children’s early life. Mauger sets out to answer such questions as: What impact does a father have on the psychological development of his child? How does a man’s father influence how he himself becomes a father? How can our experience of being fathered affect how we relate to an intimate partner?

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Do mental health professionals take into account the social and political conditions in which their clients live? It’s time that more of them do, according to Advancing Social Justice Through Clinical Practice, an important volume putting a new twist on the famous truism from the women’s movement: the personal is political.

A healthy trend is developing in the human service professions in which service providers at community clinics, in private practices, mental health professionals, and clinicians and researchers at universities around the country, are working with increased awareness of the toxic effects of social inequities in the lives of the people they aim to help. Quietly, by acting on their beliefs about justice and equality, clinicians are redressing the balance between professing their craft as clinicians and professing their humanity as citizens.

Advancing Social Justice Through Clinical Practice, edited by Etiony Aldarando, associate dean for research at the School of Education and an associate professor in the Department of Educational and Psychological Studies at the University of Miami, is a comprehensive volume bridging the gap between the psychosocial realities of clients and dominant clinical practices. It offers an array of conceptual and practical innovations that address both individual suffering and the social inequities fueling this suffering. An empowering tool presented in an accessible

writing style, it’s a book whose potential readers range beyond mental health professionals, teachers, or students in the field.

Aldarando, whose clinical interests include domestic violence, Latino mental health, family therapy and individual and social change, is frequently a presenter at conferences related to violence and masculinity, and has assembled wide-ranging contributors who offer a discussion of the historical, ethical, and experiential foundations for the development of social justicebased practice, and present conceptual frameworks, strategies, and techniques used by social justice oriented practitioners. The hefty volume concludes with a discussion of various ways to develop the skills mental health professionals aspiring to be both agents of individual and social transformation will need to be successful. Filled with hope, critical analysis, and uncommon clinical wisdom, there is no other book like it in the field.

Etiony Aldarando co-chairs the steering committee of the National Latino Alliance for the Elimination of Domestic Violence. He is a member of the National Advisory Board of the National Violence Against Women Prevention Research Center and a member of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s Batterer Intervention and Prevention Programs Evidence-Based Review Expert Panel.

Film

Straightlaced: How Gender’s Got Us All Tied Up Directed by Debra Chasnoff

GroundSpark, San Francisco, 2009, 67 minutes

With a fearless look at a highly charged subject, Straightlaced unearths how popular pressures around gender and sexuality are confining American teens. Their stories reflect a diversity of experiences, demonstrating how gender role expectations and homophobia are interwoven, and illustrating the different ways that these expectations connect with culture, race and class.

Directed by Academy Award–winning filmmaker Debra Chasnoff ( D e a d l y D e c e p t i o n, 1991), Straightlaced is the latest documentary from GroundSpark, a non-profit that creates visionary films and educational campaigns.

“No matter where we To learn more about GroundSpark and filmed, students jumped Straightlaced go to www.groundspark.org at the opportunity to speak their mind about this very taboo subject,” says Chasnoff, who is also GroundSpark’s executive director and co-creator of their “Respect For All Project.”

Filmed in the same intimate style as GroundSpark’s That’s a Family! and Let’s Get Real, the heart of Straightlaced is candid interviews with more than 50 teens from diverse backgrounds. From girls confronting media messages about culture and body image to boys who are sexually active just to prove they aren’t gay, this fascinating array of students opens up with bravery and honesty about the toll deeply held stereotypes and rigid gender policing take on all our lives.

Straightlaced includes the perspectives of teens who self-identify as straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual or questioning and represent all points of the gender spectrum. With courage and unexpected humor, they open up their lives to the camera: choosing between “male” and “female” deodorant; deciding whether to go along with anti-gay taunts in the locker room; having the courage to take ballet; avoiding the restroom so they won’t get beaten up; or mourning the suicide of a classmate. It quickly becomes clear that just about everything teens do requires thinking about gender and sexuality.

Coming of age today has become increasingly complex and challenging; Straightlaced offers both teens and adults a way out of anxiety, fear and violence and points the way toward a more inclusive, empowering culture.

Boldly Addressing Environmental Sustainability and Justice

www.nrpe.org

Supporting the Movements for Peace and Social Justice with Grants and Other Resources Since 1981 peace@peacefund.org www.peacedevelopmentfund.org

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Resources for Changing Men International Society for Men’s Health Prevention campaigns and health initiatives promoting men’s health www.ismh.org

Men’s Health Network National organization promoting men‘s health www.menshealthnetwork.org

National Men’s Resource Center National clearinghouse of information and resources for men www.menstuff.org

Paul Kivel Violence prevention educator http://www.paulkivel.com

Men’s Initiative for Jane Doe, Inc. Statewide Massachusetts effort coordinating men’s anti-violence activities www.mijd.org

National Organization for Men Against Sexism Annual conference, newsletter, profeminist activities www.nomas.org Boston chapter: www.nomasboston.org

Lake Champlain Men’s Resource Center Burlington, Vt., center with groups and services challenging men’s violence on both individual and societal levels www.lcmrc.org

A wide-ranging (but by no means exhaustive) listing of organizations engaged in profeminist men’s work.

Know of an organization that should be listed here? E-mail relevant information to us at info@voicemalemagazine.org 100 Black Men of America, Inc. Chapters around the U.S. working on youth development and economic empowerment in the African American community www.100blackmen.org A Call to Men Trainings and conferences on ending violence against women www.acalltomen.org American Men’s Studies Association Advancing the critical study of men and masculinities www.mensstudies.org Dad Man Consulting, training, speaking about fathers and father figures as a vital family resource www.thedadman.com

Males Advocating Change Worcester, Mass., center with groups and services supporting men and challenging men’s violence www.centralmassmrc.org MANSCENTRUM Swedish men’s centers addressing men in crisis www.manscentrum.se Masculinity Project The Masculinity Project addresses the complexities of masculinity in the African American community www.masculinityproject.com MASV—Men Against Sexual Violence Men working in the struggle to end sexual violence www.menagainstsexualviolence.org Men Against Violence UNESCO program believing education, social and natural science, culture and communication are the means toward building peace www.unesco.org/cpp/uk/projects/ wcpmenaga.htm Men Against Violence (Yahoo e-mail list) http://groups.yahoo.com/group/menagainstviolence/

EMERGE Counseling and education to stop domestic violence. Comprehensive batterers’ services www.emergedv.com

Men Against Violence Against Women (Trinidad) Caribbean island anti-violence campaign www.mavaw.com.

European Men Pro-feminist Network Promoting equal opportunities between men and women www.europrofem.org

Men Can Stop Rape Washington, D.C.-based national advocacy and training organization mobilizing male youth to prevent violence against women. www.mencanstoprape.org

Family Violence Prevention Fund Working to end violence against women globally; programs for boys, men and fathers www.endabuse.org Healthy Dating, Sexual Assault Prevention http://www.canikissyou.com

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MenEngage Alliance An international alliance promoting boys’ and men’s support for gender equality www.menengage.org Men for HAWC Gloucester, Mass., volunteer advocacy group of men’s voices against domestic abuse and sexual assault www.strongmendontbully.com

Men’s Nonviolence Project, Texas Council on Family Violence http://www.tcfv.org/education/mnp.html Men’s Resource Center for Change Model men’s center offering support groups for non-abusive men and batterers’ intervention groups, services, trainings and consulting for men overcoming violence www.mrcforchange.org Men’s Resource Center of South Texas Based on Massachusetts MRC model, support groups and services for men mrcofsouthtexas@yahoo.com Men’s Resources International Trainings and consulting on positive masculinity on the African continent www.mensresourcesinternational.org Men Stopping Violence Atlanta-based organization working to end violence against women, focusing on stopping battering, and ending rape and incest www.menstoppingviolence.org Men’s Violence Prevention http://www.olywa.net/tdenny/ Mentors in Violence Prevention—MVP Trainings and workshops in raising awareness about men’s violence against women www.sportsinsociety.org/vpd/mvp./php Monadnock Men’s Resource Center Southern New Hampshire men’s center supporting men and challenging men’s violence mmrconline.org MVP Strategies Gender violence prevention education and training www.jacksonkatz.com National Association for Children of Domestic Violence Provides education and public awareness of the effects of domestic violence, especially on children. www.nafcodv.org National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Provides a coordinated community www.ncadv.org

One in Four An all-male sexual assault peer education group dedicated to preventing rape www.oneinfourusa.org Promundo NGO working in Brazil and other developing countries with youth and children to promote equality between men and women and the prevention of interpersonal violence www.promundo.org RAINN—Rape Abuse and Incest National Network A national anti-sexual assault organization www.rainn.org Renaissance Male Project A midwest, multicultural and multi-issue men‘s organization www.renaissancemaleproject The Men’s Bibliography Comprehensive bibliography of writing on men, masculinities, gender, and sexualities listing 14,000 works www.mensbiblio.xyonline.net/ UNIFEM United Nations Development Fund for Women www.unifem.org VDay Global movement to end violence against women and girls, including V-men, male activists in the movement www.newsite.vday.org Voices of Men An Educational Comedy by Ben Atherton-Zeman http://www.voicesofmen.org Walk a Mile in Her Shoes Men’s March to Stop Rape, Sexual Assault & Gender Violence http:// www.walkamileinhershoes.org\ White Ribbon Campaign International men’s campaign decrying violence against women www.whiteribbon.ca

Resources for Changing Men XY Magazine www.xyonline.net Profeminist men’s web links (over 500 links) www.xyonline.net/links.shtml Profeminist men’s politics, frequently asked questions www.xyonline.net/misc/ pffaq.html Profeminist e-mail list (1997–) www.xyonline.net/misc/profem.html Homophobia and masculinities among young men www.xyonline.net/misc/ homophobia.html

Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar association lawyer referral agency.

Useful websites include: www.dadsrights.org (not www.dadsrights.com) www.directlex.com/main/law/divorce/ www.divorce.com

Fatherhood Initiative Massachusetts Children’s Trust Fund Supporting fathers, their families and theprofessionals who work with them www.mctf.org Fathers and Daughters Alliance (FADA) Helping girls in targeted countries to return to and complete primary school fatheranddaughter.org

National Fatherhood Initiative Organization to improve the well-being of children through the promotion of responsible, engaged fatherhood www.fatherhood.org

www.divorcecentral.com www.divorcehq.com

Gay Rights

www.divorcenet.com

Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation Works to combat homophobia and discrimination in television, film, music and all media outlets www.glaad.org

www.divorce-resource-center.com

Fathering

National Center for Fathering Strategies and programs for positive fathering. www.fathers.com

www.divorcesupport.com Collaborative Divorce www.collaborativealternatives.com www.collaborativedivorce.com www.collaborativepractice.com www.nocourtdivorce.com The Fathers Resource Center Online resource, reference, and network for stay-at-home dads www.slowlane.com

Human Rights Campaign Largest GLBT political group in the country. www.hrc.org Interpride Clearing-house for information on pride events worldwide www.interpride.net

LGBT Health Channel Provides medically accurate information to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and allied communities. Safer sex, STDs, insemination, transgender health, cancer, and more www.lgbthealthchannel.com.

National Gay and Lesbian Task Force National progressive political and advocacy group www.ngltf.org Outproud - Website for GLBT and questioning youth www.outproud.org Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays www.pflag.org

Stay Connected!

Visit Voice Male’s website voicemalemagazine.org

Summer 2009

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Andrew Varnon

Poetry

HALO MOON The moon in Quincy, the moon when I was born; the moon now, the moon haloed, the moon as I walk with my little dog at 5:30 a.m., the odd motorcycle idling across the street in the still of the neighborhood, me and my abstruser musings about the quiet days of 1972, the quiet days of Woodward & Bernstein, when my father worked as an expediter for an electric parts company and my mother recovered from the loss of her first-born son and the miscarriage of my twin.

“All seasons shall be sweet to thee,” I think, walking, looking in at the few lit windows and their scenes of pre-dawn domesticity in the pre-dawn of my domesticity, my daughter, my little rebel lump, still dancing, still turning and kicking in your mother’s womb.

In Quincy, by the mighty Mississip, my mother wrote to me that she wished I could know how it felt to hold me, a babe, in her arms.

Only now can I imagine it.

The strange wind, the halyard of a flagpole knocking, the mist and its refracted ring, the moon. Coleridge and his lamp, “Ça Ira,” across the pond: it’ll be fine 34

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in a cottage in Nether Stowey, or here, under the Poet’s Seat or a cold Illinois winter.

We hope, we pause, in the midst in the echoing morning with the newspaper delivery woman, with her van, with the news she delivers every day of Nixon, of Bush, of the Tories in London.

It’ll be fine, but fearing it won’t, under the crags of ancient mountain.

The secret ministry of frost, of high cirrus, of amniotic swim, my dear daughter, that is you, what I hear, footsteps, the buzz of an intermittent street light: it’ll be fine, to be here among these few rising lights starting our motorcycles for the long ride to distant work, here, with the moon and the wonder of its halo.

Andrew Varnon, a freelance journalist teaching at Western New England College, covered the gay marriage debate in Massachusetts as a reporter for the Valley Advocate. “Halo Moon” won the Poets Seat Poetry Contest in Greenfield, Mass., the town where Varnon lives with his wife Lynette (who is also a poet) and their daughter, Aisla Rose, for whom the poem was written.

General Support Groups: Open to any man who wants to experience a men’s group. Topics of discussion reflect the needs and interests of the participants. Groups are held in in these Western Massachusetts communities: Hadley, at North Star, 135 Russell Street, 2nd Floor: Tuesday evenings (7:00 – 9:00 PM).

Entrance on Route 47 opposite the Hadley Town Hall.

Greenfield, at Network Chiropractic, 21 Mohawk Trail: Wednesday evenings (7:00 – 9:00 PM).

Group for Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Neglect, Abuse, or Trauma: Open to men who were subjected to neglect and/or abuse growing up, this group is designed specifically to ensure a sense of safety for participants. It is a facilitated peer support group and is not a therapy group. Group meetings are held on Fridays (7:00 – 9:00 PM) at the Synthesis Center in Amherst, 274 N. Pleasant Street (just a few doors north of the former MRC building).

Group for Gay, Bisexual, and Questioning Men: Specifically for men who identify as gay or bisexual, or who are questioning their sexual orientation, this group is designed to provide a safe and supportive setting to share experiences and concerns. Gay or bi-identified transgendered men are welcome! In addition to providing personal support, the group offers an opportunity for creating and strengthening local networks. Group meetings are held on Mondays (7:00 – 9:00 PM) at the Synthesis Center in Amherst, 274 N. Pleasant Street (just a few doors north of the former MRC building).

Organizers MICHAEL KIMMEL GAR KELLOM ▪ MICHAEL KAUFMAN HARRY BROD Invite You to the

First National Conference for

Campus-Based Men’s Gender Equality & Anti-Violence

Groups

St. John’s University ▪ Collegeville, Minnesota

November 6-7, 2009 More male students are saying No! to a manhood that’s not good for women or men.

They’re speaking out against date rape and violence against women.

They’re saying Yes! to gender equality.

How to get the message to other men on campus? How to deal with backlash, work with women’s groups, recruit and sustain their groups? This November 6-7, campus-based pro-feminist men and pro-feminist men’s groups will share resources, ideas and strategies, networking with others on campuses nationwide.

COST: Students - $10; Non-students - $75 REGISTER:www.csbsju.edu/menscenter/conference/conferenceinfo.htm HOUSING: On campus rooms provided at reasonable rates.

(Students should check with their campuses for financial support. Organizers hope to have some funds to assist with travel.)

Speakers ▪ Presentations ▪ Men’s and Women’s Panels Jimmie Briggs, Journalist, V-Men co-coordinator, author, The Innocent Voices of War-Affected Children Harry Brod, Author, White Men, Challenging Racism, and The Making of Masculinities Pat Eng, Vice-president, Ms. Foundation ▪ Bryon Hurt, Documentary filmmaker, Hip Hop: Beyond the Beats and Rhymes, Barack and Curtis, and I Am a Man ▪ Jackson Katz, Co- founder, Mentors in Violence Prevention, author, The Macho Paradox ▪ Michael Kaufman, Co-founder, White Ribbon Campaign ▪ Michael Kimmel, Author, Guyland, Men Confront Pornography and Men’s Lives Courtney Martin, Author, Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: How The Quest for Perfection is Harming Young Women ▪ Pat McGann, Communications Director, Men Can Stop Rape Rob Okun, Editor, Voice Male Magazine ▪ Beverly Guy-Sheftall, President, National Women’s Studies Association and Professor Spelman College Shira Tarrant, Author, Men and Feminism, editor, Men Speak Out UNI SAVE - Students Against a Violent Environment, University of Northern Iowa FORUM ACTORS, An interactive peer theatre troupe dedicated to ending gender violence

Center for Men’s Leadership & Service Saint John’s University Collegeville, MN 56321 Dedicated to the Holistic Development of Men