Gospel Grace

Chasing Butterflies Journal

BY CONNIE VAN HORN

“BUILT-IN COURAGE”

Her attire most days was a long skirt, a tucked-in white blouse, golden blond hair in a bun, and a white bonnet. It was spring 2013; I had never seen a woman dress this way. She was an image from an old Amish movie. She was married to a young man who was completing his medical residency, and they shared two young daughters. She walked confidently and never blinked at the stares she received from around our community. Her name was Chere. It was the first time in my life that I was in awe of the inner peace someone projected. I wanted what Chere had. I wanted the peace in her home and the joy in her heart. I wanted to have her confidence.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27 NIV)

My life at this point was at its lowest place. Little did I know it was about to get worse. The almost unbearable storm I was enduring was about to collide with another. It’s a good thing we can’t see tomorrow. I would have run for the hills. Instead, I blindly walked right into the eye of this storm. It was like one very intense hurricane dancing around with another as the two storms collided. Still, the eye of the hurricane is calm. We can look at our lives that way when things get hard. Even though there is complete chaos around us, we can have a sense of peace in the center of it all. God was right there with me in the middle of that storm. I didn’t know it at the time, but He was definitely there.

At the time, I was not saved or involved in any church group. I had heard about God, but I didn’t have a true understanding of Him. I wanted to believe in God; I just didn’t know how. I honestly didn’t think I was good enough to be in God’s family. I was messy, and my life was broken and full of sin. Why would God want someone like me? I carried those words around in my heart for years. I was alone during this period in my life. I had people all around me, but I felt so alone.

I heard a Christian song on the radio while living next door to Chere, Worn. It was the first time in years that I felt a connection to something. Until that point, I felt alone in my circumstances and the pain I was experiencing. I heard the lyrics, and I felt comforted and filled with hope for the first time. I was so tired in my fight. I was indeed worn. My heart was heavy, and my soul felt crushed by the weight of the world. I needed to hear that the struggle ends - that redemption wins. That God can mend a heart that’s frail and torn. I wanted to know that a beautiful song can rise from the ashes of a broken life. And all that’s dead inside can be reborn. I had hope. God said mustard seed-sized faith could move mountains. This was the beginning of my faith. I had faith before I had God.

One evening, while I was sitting in bed crying and feeling hopeless, I opened that little book Chere had given me. I started to read the devotion for that day. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. The words on the page aligned exactly with what I was going through at that moment. God spoke to me. I wanted to jump up with excitement. I called my young daughter into the room, and we read it together several times. She was excited too. For the next several days and weeks, my faith grew a little more each day. I can’t explain how God was able to speak directly to me through the pages of that little book, but He did.

God was calling out to me. God finds a heart set on Him, and He calls it out and claims it as His own. He had His hand on my heart before I had my eyes on Him. He was right there with me in the eye of that storm. God knew that I was messy and would mess up often. God knew that I was weak, and this world was tempting me. He wasn’t calling on a perfect body. He was calling on a willing heart. God used Chere to open my eyes to the life that I desired to live. It was a simple life. It was peaceful and full of love. I wanted her peace and the joy she exuded. And He used that song on the radio to let me know that I could rise from my broken life. He reminded me that beauty can come from ashes. And I had hope for the first time.

God used that little pocket-sized book to feed me His Word and build a trusting relationship with me. I felt connected to a God I didn’t know. I wanted more. I started listening to Christian radio, where I heard God’s Word and His soft voice whispering to me through worship songs. The Bible was still a big intimidating mystery. But God’s music became my greatest source of worship and closeness to Him. God was revealing Himself to me.

God knew that I was about to go through hard things. Big things. And He wanted to build my faith and trust in Him. So He gave me built-in courage to survive the storm. He revealed Himself to me in the most beautiful and precious way. God also knew I was easily distracted and would need a constant reminder of my new life and His love for me. So this was just the beginning.

I didn’t live next to Chere long. We moved just a few months after meeting. In the fall of that year, my life took a direct hit by that storm I mentioned earlier. For the next ten months, my children and I would live in a Quality Inn hotel, and after that, we lived in a women’s shelter for nine months. That was a total of 19 months in this specific storm. I was pregnant at the time we were living in the hotel. I remember how hard it was to bring my newborn baby daughter home from the hospital. The hospital stay felt like a vacation.

I didn’t have access to a stove or an oven in the hotel. I had to cook for my children using a microwave, and we often enjoyed already prepared hot food. But I tried to make this environment as normal as possible. I hung their artwork on the walls, and we celebrated holidays in the lobby sitting area. I made sure to keep the beds made and the room tidy. The windows were open during the day, and the room was bright. I wanted my children to feel safe. I wanted them to feel at home.

I would think about Chere and her bright and peaceful home. I worked hard to make our room feel the same way. We had a television in our room, but I would limit the time we spent watching it. I tried to keep my children busy with walks, parks, libraries, and stores. We spent a lot of time outside that room, but I learned so much while in that room. It was in that room that God began to put my broken pieces back together. Piece by piece, He collected me up from the pain that had held me down.

God knew that I was a fighter. I didn’t have much else. I was living in constant fear of what tomorrow might bring. I had no money, education, or resources, and I didn’t have a community at the time.

You see, during the day, I put on a brave face for my kids - the everything-is-ok face. At night, after they went to sleep, I would cry out to the God I was seeking to know. I would get down on the dirty floor and cry until I had no tears left. I begged for help. Somehow I recognized that God wants us to cry out to Him at night and be ready for battle at dawn.

"This is my command - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9 NLT)

Now, I can look back and see that God was right there with us. I had purchased a craft frame from a Goodwill store. It was a butterfly outline in a white frame, and I made handprints on the butterfly using my children’s hands. This frame sat next to my bed in that room for all those months. It’s amazing to me that God was leaving droplets of His presence in that room that I wouldn’t discover until sometime later. I like to call these “sprinkles of hope.”

Those 19 months were transformational for me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but God was changing me. I was still lost and hurting and had very little hope, but I had just enough built-in courage to keep me going in the right direction. My mustard seed-sized faith always sustained me until God sprinkled another droplet of hope. Hope is a beautiful thing. Hope fuels all people to keep moving forward and not give up. We can find hope in the most unlikely places. We just need willing eyes to see.

Martin Luther King said, “Everything that is done in this world is done by hope.” God is our hope.

In August of 2014, I gave my whole heart to Jesus. That day, I became new, and my life completely changed. It was that day that I started chasing butterflies.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV)

I was chasing my new life! This new life is available to everyone. Yes, God wants you. He wants you just the way you are and right where you are. He will sit in the eye of that storm with you. God doesn’t look at the past or the struggles you face today. He looks at your heart. It’s your heart He is after. If you are tired and worn from walking this life alone and you want to hold hands with the One who created you, today is the day.

That day I saw my sinful self and that I needed a savior. I prayed to Jesus and repented, telling Him that I was sorry for everything. I asked Him to forgive me and come into my heart and guide me. I told Him that I believed that He died for me. Yes - me! He loved me from the very beginning. And He had patiently waited for me to realize that I couldn’t do it alone. He climbed up on that cross for me. That’s love. I told Him that I knew that I couldn’t get to heaven without Him, and heaven is where I longed to be. Home.

"If you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." (Romans 10:9 NIV)

In that exact moment of prayer, I believe that Jesus saved me. He restored all my hope and faith, and He made me new.

If you want to take the next step with Jesus, I encourage you to find a quiet place and pray this same way. Your loving Father wants a relationship with you. Call out to Him - He is waiting.

"For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16 NIV)

After I was saved, I fell in love with books and daily journaling. I would write everything down in these journals because I never wanted to forget what God had done for me. In the beginning, I was a new believer trying to figure it all out. Getting to know God has been the greatest and most rewarding adventure of my life. I am still messy and broken in some places, but I am also worthy and loved. I am loved by my heavenly Father, who reminds me daily that we will get through this life together. He is preparing me for home.

I’m excited to share my journey with you as we run this race together. God never intended for us to face it alone. I look forward to the next time with you. Please look for my article in the next edition of Voice of Truth, “Chasing Butterfly Journal.”

Together, let’s chase after God. Jesus hung on that tree so that we could have a new life. And He wants us never to stop chasing after it.

"When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up - the flames will not consume you." (Isaiah 43:2 TLB)

Connie Van Horn is an ordinary person whom God spared and gave new life. She is passionate about sharing her story in hopes that God will use it to change lives. Connie wants the whole world to know about her amazing and loving God. She understands that we are all called to share in the mission of taking the gospel of Jesus Christ to the ends of the earth.

She dreams of changing the world by sharing Jesus and raising worldchangerswho have a kingdom perspective.

Connie wants her readers to know that it’s ok to be broken - it’s in our broken place that we find God. See past messy, see past broken, andyou might just see a miracle.