There is a Lot of Blood

By Aithne Emmons

There is a lot of blood. That’s how I know it has to be bad, because he was so very bad around blood and yet his eyes never left mine.

“We have to leave,” I can hear my voice say, as if from far away. I can’t really feel my body, but I know that some part of my brain has to be connected to it because I am curling over to my side and pushing myself up.

“You can’t—” he chokes. I know he’s about to start crying just like I know his hands are colder than mine, even when he’s been clenching them and digging his fingernails into his palms.I also know that I can’t let him cry, not if I want us to get out of this. “You can’t move. You’re losing too much—”

“It’s fine,”I stop him. I don’t want him to have to say it. He doesn’t like it, and I know that saying the words for what is happening will just make it harder for him. “It’s fine. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. We don’t have time right now.” Too many words are rushing out, and I know that he would see right through me at how panicked I was if he wasn’t so busy being panicked himself. “Help me up.”I am grabbing his hand—even as he shakes and shivers almost more than I do—hoisting myself up and stumbling forward with one arm still wrapped protectively around my stomach.

There is a lot of blood. So, so much blood.

I know I am holding his hand too hard. I know I won’t be able to stop. It feels like it is the only thing keeping me tethered to reality. I can’t even feel the pain that I know my body must be experiencing. There is nothing but his hand clenched tightly in mine and the urgent knowledge that we have to get out of here RIGHT NOW.

There are so many trees. That’s how I know it’s not a dream, I guess. I never could dream of the color green. We could have gotten lost in the trees, and I wouldn’t have minded much. What a way to leave the earth; hidden from the sky by the green of the trees above us and cradled by the green of the moss below us. He can’t stay here, though. He can’t stay here and so I can’t stay here, because I know that he won’t leave without me. We are stumbling forward. His face is so pale that if I couldn’t see the red blossoming through the paleness of my blouse, I would have thought it was him who had just been run through with a sword. I can’t stand to see him this way. I can’t stand to be the cause. I can’t stand the fact that I can’t possibly stop him from shaking right now. Soon,I won’t be able to stop him from shaking ever again.

“Not far enough, yet,” I say through gritted teeth as he begins to slow down. “They’re still too close.”

“Dani, I don’t think that you can—” he begins, sliding his arm further around me as I take the opportunity to lean a bit more of my weight on him. Not too much. I don’t want him to know how bad it is.

“I have to. I’ll be fine. Everything is going to be fine. I promise.” It is a lie.I know it is a lie as I pant each word between breaths.I can feel it now. The pain. Throbbing and stabbing me over and over again. It is warm—too warm—and aching and it makes me want to throw up. I’m not sure if there is enough fluid left in my body for me to throw up.

There is a lot of blood.

There is not enough blood. It is slowing, no longer gushing out of my stomach. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe, just maybe, I can make it. I hope I can. I hope this isn’t just my body nearing the end of its ability to carry me. The blood is drying now, staining my forearms all the way to just above my elbows. We are almost to the edge of the forest. If my body can just hold on for that long, he will be okay. We will be away from them—the creatures that stalk the shadows, hungry for death, hungry for sorrow.

“I love you,” I tell him.I know that he knows this just as surely as I know he loves me, too. We were made to love each other, I think sometimes. We were made to know each other and to cover up the other’s weak points. He is more careful than I am; it was my idea to come here, my stupid idea,I was so stupid,I’m so sorry. I am stronger, I think. If he had had his way, we would have been dead by now. We are almost there. Almost there. Almost... “Dani. Dani, we’re almost there. I can see the sunlight, Dani,” he is saying to me. Everything in front of me is shifting-shifting-shifting until I can’t tell which way is up. There is nothing left. Nothing nothing nothing. Even the green is gone. This is probably a dream, then.I never could dream about the color green. A pity, really. Green is such a pretty color. “You just have to hold on for a little bit longer,” he is telling me.

“I’m going to miss you,” I say back. Because I realize that I really will. He is my best friend. It’s not fair that we’re going to be taken apart from each other.

“No, you’re not.” There is such conviction in his tone that I almost believe him. “There won’t be anything to miss. I’m right here with you. I’ll always be right here. We’ve almost made it, you just have to hold on for another minute or two.”

“It hurts.” I don’t want to tell him, but he deserves to know.

He deserves to know that I wouldn’t leave him if I could help it. The hole in my stomach hurts a lot less than leaving him will. And yet, this is not a pain that I can fight against any longer. “I’m so sorry.” He deserves better than this. It was just a silly mistake, but it hurts. It hurts him so badly.

The last thing that I feel is the coolness of his arm as I let go.