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By Tory Walker

You know that’s not a kid, right? It’s a cat.

In college? Still? You must be getting your PhD. No?

Well...what kind of job could you get if you dropped out now?

A Master’s degree? That sounds expensive

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Why you coming in here looking like a baseball player?

Why are you shaving your head? Men don’t like that. Some girls do?

Oh. Well, you’ll never get a man with that attitude.

Buckle down, loosen up, smile more, drink less, and don’t forget–

M O I S T U R I Z E

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Have you tried speed dating? What about apps?

Don’t want your eggs to expire, face to wrinkle, hair to gray, age to show

At least until you find a husband. You should get on that. Love doesn’t wait

Neither does Jesus; by the way, you need to get to church.

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Are you on Snapchat? What about ‘Twatter?’ How will you ever relate

If you can’t go on about the latest trend, hot goss, or word game craze?

Put a little effort in, men like to see that. Women do too?

Oh

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Stay out of the woods, you’re going to get murdered

Stop going camping alone, you could get killed

Send me your location. Send me your location. Send me your location.

Jiu Jitsu? Why do you need to learn that? Leave the fighting to the men.