America’s Worst

And to all of you, A collaboration of America’s worst The camped out at open early birds The overly-flirty married men The zebra-stripe haired mother of three Who insists on an item that we do not offer. The arriving-right-before-closers The oversharers, the misunderstanders The fat-fingered man in his car Demanding a refund after eating the entire meal. The frat boys sharing beer cans under the booths Blind to the “I don’t want your number”s. The “I’ve never been here”s, the traveling families The woman who insists on her usual That we have never seen here before.

The quiet orderers, the shouting through the drive-thrus The group of teenagers here to bother their friend. The entitled elderly, the unhappily married, The family asking for one table to be wiped When every other one is available. The “what did you say”s and the “your prices are high”s The man, red-faced, that there is not enough Dr. in his Pepper. The young lovers in a quarrel, the man who vapes indoors The baseball team with three busses on short-staffed afternoons The side-eye rollers, the allergy insisters The anti-maskers threatening scared teenagers The newborn baby bringers, the family reunions, The underpayers, the 50 cent tippers, The complainers, the degraders, the google review raters, To America’s worst, Do you want fries with that?

By Starr Osborne

Editor’s Choice