VOSAS MAGAZINE

Freedom is a wonderful thing. This was one secret that I was going to take to my grave! God had been picking at this sore spot for at least 4 years before I did anything about it. It seemed like every sermon at church was about it. On the news, all I heard was story after story about children speaking out against their abuser. And finally, on Thursday, November 24, 2011, Thanksgiving evening, I surrendered to God's voice and broke the silence my sister and I had been holding for over 30 years. We were victims, and were now survivors of childhood sexual abuse. We were molested and raped by a family member when we were between the ages of 3 and 5. I know some survivors remember the length of time and their exact age, but because I was so young I can't remember the exact time, or how long the abuse occurred. I do, however, remember vivid details of what happened, what I had on, and where it happened. This is a memory that I will never forget. It was not at all an easy decision to tell anyone. What really made me speak up was a story that we studied at a Tuesday night bible study. It was the story about Tamar, and how she was raped by her brother Amnon. After Tamar was raped and Amnon threw her out, she laid on the floor and cried. She felt worthless, like everything she had was taken from her. She prided herself in being a virgin, but her very own brother took one of the most precious things from her. The story touched my heart because I felt her anger. I will never forget sitting in the Sanctuary with my stomach in knots because I knew it was time to speak up. This was in June of 2011. The very next day, on the way to work, I told my sister that I couldn't hold it anymore and I was going to tell. She, without hesitation, said okay, lets do it. After that morning, we still did not say anything until five months later on Thanksgiving. We first told a close relative, who convinced us to tell our mother. The emotions leading up to the moment was torture, because we had no idea what was about to take place. After gaining the courage to talk to our mom, she believed us as we knew she would. But then we decided to confront our abuser. Of course we had no idea what would be said, but at this point there was no turning back. I felt like I had made a huge mistake by even bringing all of this up, and maybe it was better when I kept silent. Deep down I knew that was far from the truth. When the phone call was finally made, and after 30 years of carrying his guilt and shame, he had the nerve to call us liars. What a devastating blow. Knowing that my sister and I were telling the truth, it turned into our word against his. Even though I knew this was definitely a possibility, just hearing the word liar was horrifying. Like many survivors we kept this secret hidden for years. In actuality, we kept it "hidden" from each other. Growing up we never discussed anything that happened. There was, however, an understanding of what went on, although nothing was exchanged verbally. The first question that is always asked is, "Why did you wait so long to say something?" If you are reading this and have gone through sexual abuse, then you understand. I don't think it is something you can explain. There is an underlining shame, fear of disappointing other family members, and partly to protect the abuser. I had so many thoughts of other people. How would my mother react to this news? I didn't want to hurt her. What about the family? Everyone is going to blame us for telling this story. People will call us liars, and say we made this entire thing up. What about the immediate family of the abuser? This will be devastating to them. The thoughts would go on and on. You think about everybody else but you.

What I had to come to understand, and other victims as well, is that it was not my fault. I had no reason to feel guilty, or even ashamed. But it's amazing how guilt will creep in and have you believing that you are doing something wrong by telling the truth. I now understand that holding on to my story and keeping it a secret would have done more harm than good. Not just for me, but for other women, or even men, that shared the same story. If you are reading this, and want to say something but just can't find the words, they are there. I completely understand how scary it can be. God is the restorer and the healer. He can mend every scar and every broken piece, if you trust Him and allow Him to. If you have to cry, cry. If you have to scream, scream. Whatever you need to get it out, please do. I am not a counselor, I am just someone who has been through the same thing you have. It's so unfortunate that this happens so often in our society. Once I decided to open up about my past, I have found that so many people, both men and women, have the same story. There has to be an increased awareness of sexual abuse. Since that time God directed me to become an advocate for adult survivors. I cannot thank Him enough for choosing me to be the Voice for so many people. He has given me a brand new freedom, and can give you the same thing. You don't have to be silent anymore. In November of 2012, I began to take this journey to another level. Not only did my sister and I become free from our past, we began speaking publicly. I started a nonprofit organization to support adult survivors of sexual abuse, Moving4ward Ministries. Moving4ward became a source of healing in our community. During that time we started support groups, educated the community, and held an annual outreach event, Stroll To Heal The Soul. The Stroll was a yearly run/walk during the month of April, which is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, to bring everyone together, whether you experienced this trauma or not, to create an atmosphere of love and support. We’ve had seven annual walks, and each year it is such a blessing to see the sea of teal. Teal is the color of sexual assault awareness and each survivor that was willing to share their voice without having to say a word, wore that teal shirt proudly! It’s true when they say God can turn pain into purpose.. You may be scared and feel like there is no hope for you. You may be scared of what others will say, or that others may reject you. It’s okay to have those feelings, but once you give yourself permission to heal, you too can be on your own journey to freedom. My sister and I are brand new people. Our lives have completely changed. We no longer are bound to the secrets of the past, but we look forward to the what God has ahead for us, and you can do the same. It’s amazing how one decision changed the course of our lives. We are no longer slaves to our abuser. On this journey, the biggest things I've learned is that in order to heal I first had to acknowledge my truth, gain courage to tell, be okay with therapy, find time for selfcare, and learn to forgive. It has not be any means been an easy journey. Our emotions have been like a roller coaster, but the great part is that we continue to move forward. We feel amazingly blessed to offer a sense of hope to other survivors. I pray that God gives you the strength to Move 4ward, and the peace that passes all understanding. “Its true when they say, God can turn pain into purpose.”