The Wake, Issue 5, Fall 2011 by The Wake Magazine

Atheist X-Mas

Dance Nights

Family Force Five & More! 12 - 22 december 2011

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Editorial

Production

Editor-in-Chief Maggie Foucault

Production Manager Ryan Webert

Managing Editor Alex Lauer

Graphic Designers Steph Mertes, Ryan Webert

Cities Editor Alex Lauer

Art Director Keit Osadchuk

Voices Editor Maggie Foucault

Web Editor Eric James

Hello all you sleepless, blurry-eyed students, By now you can either see the finish line off in the distance, beyond a few mountains and valleys, or you’ve just stepped under the balloon arc marking the end. Except school is really nothing like running, is it? Some people have cumulative finals and some have one chapter tests that are just taken during finals time. Some people have the unfair advantage of better teachers who have their finals the week before finals week. Some people have winter break that starts on December 14th while others have one that starts on the 22nd. The U of M is nothing but an unjust torture chamber, isn’t it? Some people only have to go through a couple lashings, but some people get the whole James Bond in Casino Royale treatment.

Sound & Vision Editor Zach McCormick

This Issue Cover Artist Keit Osadchuk

Photographers Keit Osadchuk, Habakkuk Stockstill

Illustrators Josie Keifenheim, Rachel Mosey, Keit Osadchuk, Steve Sitek, Chuemengka Yang

Business Advisory Board James DeLong, Kevin Dunn, Courtney Lewis, Eric Price, Morgan Mae Schultz, Kay Steiger, Mark Wisser

Can’t get enough of THE WAKE ?

But for real, even though it feels like that sometimes, it’s not all that bad. In a week you can forget any of this ever happened, or, more specifically, finals week (because if you want to forget the entire semester you should probably switch majors). In a week you can start making cookies and other Christmasy desserts, wrapping presents, and actually enjoying Holiday music—or, if you’re not celebrating, enjoying family time and playing out in the snow rather than cursing it for making your trek to school a million times harder. Always remember, when you see your fellow students walking around campus like zombies, about to fall facedown in the snow: “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” Yes, that means I expect to hear some random people break out into song in the mall area before school is done for the semester.

Here’s the remedy: Contributing Writers Mitch Ambrose, Alyssa Bluhm, Cooper Henckel, Jordan Crosser, Maggie Foucault, Alicia Johnson, Alex Lauer, Elissa Mann, Zach McCormick, Justin Miller, Kelsey Schwartz, Steve Sitek, Jeff Torney

©2009 The Wake Student Magazine. All rights reserved. Established in 2002, The Wake is a fortnightly independent magazine and registered student organization produced by and for the students of the University of Minnesota.

http://www.facebook.com/TheWakeMagazine http://www.youtube.com/TheWakeMagazine

Sincerely, The Person Who Is Writing This While Staying At His Friend’s House In Chicago When He Should Be In Minnesota Studying For His Finals

11:5 The Wake Student Magazine 1313 5th St. SE #331 Minneapolis, MN 55414

Alex Lauer Managing Editor

(612) 379-5952 • www.wakemag.org The Wake was founded by Chris Ruen and James DeLong.

The Wake is published with support from Campus Progress/Center for American Progress (online at www.campusprogress.org).

disclaimer The purpose of The Wake is to provide a forum in which students can voice their opinions. Opinions expressed in the magazine are not representative of the publication or university as a whole. To join the conversation email mfoucault@wakemag.org.

voices

Egypt: The Battle for True Democracy Have things really changed in Egypt? By Justin Miller The Egyptian people began their effort at ousting the hated Hosni Mubarak as revolt spread across North Africa. Tahrir Square in Cairo became the prominent symbol of the Arab Spring and has been the major focus in foreign media’s coverage of the uprisings. The youth of Egypt is roughly half of a population of 85 million and 90% of unemployment is attributed to these youth. An increasingly educated, connected, and angry part of the populace was beginning to recognize that nothing short of a full revolution could bring the change that they wanted. The tyrannous stranglehold that dictatorships in the region have enjoyed for decades has been loosened by a populace that is fed up and equipped for revolution. On January 25, 2011 the Egyptian people converged on Tahrir Square to protest a regime that stole civil liberties, opportunity, financial security, and hope from them in exchange for the well-being of the elite. When violent security forces and Mubarak’s thugs ran rampant in the streets of Cairo, media coverage increased and the world watched anxiously. The U.S. tried to distance itself from the dictator they propped up 30 years ago, but did not go the distance to fully and genuinely support the democratic aspirations of the protestors— a move that could have improved their standing in the Arab world more than any policy. Instead, their reputation was further diminished when they turned around and used military force to assist Libyan rebels in taking out Moammar Gadhafi. Any progress that had been made in repairing relations in the Middle East when Obama made his revered speech in Cairo back in 2009 vanished as the U.S. government reaffirmed their stereotype as hypocritical and self-motivated. The Egyptian protestors persisted through bloodshed, bullets, and batons as they continued their courageous quest for freedom from despotism. Amazingly, in 18 days Mubarak was successfully ousted and there was finally reason to celebrate in a country that had been plagued by corruption and oppression for over 30 years. However, the celebration of the ousting of Mubarak consumed the movement and at best was the ceremonious removal of a figurehead. Unfortunately, it was more so a costly distraction to the Egyptian people’s revolution. Revolution is judged not by what they replace, but by what they replace it with. Any of the media’s sensational branding of the turmoil in Egypt as a revolution is absolutely false. Getting rid of the hated personality of a regime without also ridding the existing political system with it is no revolution, but merely a coup or revolt. In reality, the protestors have not replaced anything, only foolishly allowed Mubarak to pass his torch of tyranny on to the Supreme Council of the Military. This is the military that, as the mass protests increased in violence, turned their allegiance from Mubarak to the Egyptian people. They were

12-22 december 2011

rachel mosey

hailed throughout Egypt as the only part of the government that was for the people. How clever and conniving. Don’t forget, this is also the military that enjoyed tremendous power under the reign of Mubarak and received more than $1.3 billion in aid from the United States government. This was taken with the agreement that strictly enforced order must be held in Egypt, so you better believe the Egyptian military officials when they say they are not giving up their power to some futile democratically-elected parliament.

With the Egyptian military recklessly murdering protestors who demand a timely return of power, increasing religious tension over who will come to power, and holding faux-democratic elections that have diminished the revolutionary spirit—what is to come of this “revolution”? Is there still even a remote possibility for a successful revolution that leads to a truly democratic society? One that holds legitimate elections, fosters various political and religious views, and is free of inhibiting foreign influence?

Revolution is judged not by what they replace, but by what they replace it with.

If there is any proof of this possibility, it can be seen in the protestors and the power that they wield through numbers, organization, and new ways of implementing technology. As the recent and upcoming elections take place, citizens admit that the results will probably be tampered with and, if not, the parliament will hold no real power. People have begun to accept the status quo as it was before January 25 and this complacency becomes dangerous if revolution is the goal. They must rid the military of all officials and start Parliament over, essentially clearing out all government that had ties to Mubarak and have no interest in change for the people. They must also put persistent and public pressure on the U.S. to remove its support for the military until the people’s demands are met.

The Egyptian uprising, and furthermore the Arab Spring, is a nightmare for the State Department and the Pentagon. Now they must scramble to make behind-the-scenes deals with governments, political parties and leaders, militaries, and anyone that can offer the U.S. government anything just to ensure that more puppets can be propped up and controlled in any way they please. Especially since if there was any instability that threatened America’s control on the “War on Terror,” it really would be a shame to be forced to invade another country out there. It would not be unthinkable to imagine some sort of darkroom, blinds-closed friendly conversation between the U.S., Mubarak, and a top Egyptian military official orchestrating a peaceful transfer of power from dictatorship to military authoritarianism. Just like clockwork. Mubarak was getting old anyways; Egypt could use a shiny new figurehead.

True revolution will be a long and trying process that requires determination and persistence. It will challenge a youth of Egypt that is educated and hungry for change, but politically inexperienced. The Egyptian people hold in their power the ability to make a complete transformation of their society and must rid themselves of the innate and invisible wall of oppression that has haunted them for decades.

voices

A Tough November for College Sports

The Repercussions Coach Sexual Abuse Scandals By Steve Sitek

By Novembe, hockey has found its groove, basketball has tipped off, and football is nearing its final push for the postseason. Historically, the month of November is a great month for NCAA sports fans. It’s a month where fans find out about their teams, what type of character they have, and what their chances are for a postseason victory.

He has been the Orangemen’s leader for 36 years and has brought immense success to the Syracuse basketball program. Like Paterno, Boeheim’s high ranking assistant coach has been accused of committing horrific acts of sexual abuse. Bernie Fine has been Boeheim’s right hand man, helping recruit players and win national championships, since 1976. When allegations first broke, Boeheim reacted rashly and rushed to defend his friend of 50 years. He was quoted calling the first accuser, Bobby Davis, “a liar and seeking money.” These comments were distasteful and met with opposition. Since then, Boeheim has wisely apologized and retracted his statements. As of now, it looks like Syracuse has handled a messy situation in a much more professional and ethical manner than Penn State. Serious allegations are not something to disregard or hide. The fallout at Penn State is a sad example of attempts in covering up crimes to save a reputation. The current ongoing investigation at both colleges will shed more light on what information was really known by each school over the next few months.

This past November began like any other year. Penn State’s football team was in position for a possible BCS Rose Bowl bid, having only one early season loss to a highly ranked Alabama team. Joe Paterno’s team was 8-1 and seemed to embody the Penn State mentality of football success.

Jim Boeheim made clear in his first press conference with the media on November 30 that no one is above the program. He explained his role as a coach does not exempt him from any wrongdoings. This is much different than the way Penn State handled their scandal. They disregarded the fact that one person does not define a program.

On November 5 that success was no longer relevant. News of a scandal broke involving former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky. The former Penn State coach was indicted on forty counts of sexual child abuse and taken into custody. While he wasn’t currently involved with the program, the story cast a shadow over the team as reporters flocked to State College, Pennsylvania.

From these scandals, we have learned something very important about college sports and abuse of power. In both these cases multiple vulnerable kids were taken advantage of. Sandusky appeared to be a good man; he operated a charity for at-risk youth, he even funded a house for foster children. And yet, we have found out this man’s intentions were much different than they appeared; he lured children into sexual

abuse by exploiting his powerful position and affiliation with the prestigious Penn State football program. Similarly, Bernie Fine used his position as an assistant coach at a prestigious basketball program to lure ball boys into sexual abuse. These men were put up on a pedestal by their coaching positions and were perceived to be good men. Both of these men possessed immense power within their programs and communities. Any child fond of sports would be excited to be involved with these teams that continually produce NBA and NFL stars. Both Sandusky and Fine have left a mark of distrust on their program which will be hard to erase and hard for parents to ignore. While these men are innocent until proven guilty, the evidence seems to be stacked high against them. Even after the forty-plus charges piled against Sandusky and eight victims willing to testify, Sandusky’s attorney, Joe Amendola, has denied all charges and maintained Sandusky’s innocence. Bernie Fine has similarly maintained innocence against his three accusers, calling the allegations false. These denials are reflective of these assistant coaches’ perceived entitlement to what they want, and a chronic abuse of power. In the end justice will be served, but the NCAA and these programs will wear a scarlet letter for a long while. It will be interesting to see how these programs recover from affiliations with these coaches. In the case of Syracuse, they seem determined to not let Fine effect the integrity of the program. While at Penn State, the coverup implies they will let the actions of one person define their program. It will be interesting to see if and how these cases will affect the trust of coaches. As a fan of college sports, I hope more victims will come forward to expose coaches who abuse their power, and I hope more skepticism is placed among high-ranking coaches.

Sandusky was once considered the “coach-in-waiting” to the legendary 84-year-old head coach Joe Paterno. Following the 1999 season he retired and dedicated his time to his children’s charity, The Second Mile. However, his involvement with Penn State still remained intact. According to reports, abuse of kids as young as ten occurred in the Penn State locker room from 1999-2005. As more information came to light, the scandal became pervasive throughout the entire Penn State community. The school cut ties with school president Graham Spanier and the legendary head coach of 46 years, Joe Paterno, because of their failings to report information and follow through with their public responsibilities. Over 2,000 students took to the streets in riots and protests following Paterno’s firing, which left many people wondering why. Their outrage wasn’t for the victims, but for the recent firing of a coach who made a poor decision and neglected his moral responsibility. These students missed the entire point of the scandal. No one is above the program and nothing is more important than the victims’ justice. On November 27 the scandal reporters packed up from State College and moved north to Syracuse, New York, where another abuse scandal was unfolding. Lead assistant Bernie Fine was fired from the Syracuse basketball team after news of a sexual abuse scandal involving two former ball boys and another child became public. While the situations at Penn State and Syracuse are vastly different, there are some similarities. Like Penn State, Syracuse’s head basketball coach Jim Boeheim is one of the most legendary head coaches in the game.

steve sitek

www.wakemag.org

cities

Atheists at Christmas

We all know Jewish people rent movies and eat Chinese food, but what do Atheists do? By Jordan Crosser The word Christmas originated from “Christ’s masses” in order to show that it was a religious holiday in celebration of the birth of Jesus. Christmas is celebrated around the world, including in countries that are dominantly nonChristian. In recent years, even Christians have started to stray from their beliefs and put other parts of Christmas at the forefront of their Celebration—exchanging gifts, wining and dining, etc. When thinking of the word Christmas, it’s not often that people instantly think of Jesus. People instead think of Santa, stockings filled with gifts, and Christmas trees. Many people tend to get so caught up in the idea of Christmas, that they forget to celebrate the important parts, like the gift of love and family. Yet, we never (or at least I never) have thought about how atheists deal with the Christmas season. The group as a whole goes unmentioned around the holiday season. But everyone has the right to celebrate during this time of year. According to Amanda Folberg, the Finance Director of Campus Atheists, Skeptics and Humanists (CASH), there is no unified view or set of traditions among atheists. Many will celebrate Saturnalia, which is a Roman harvest festival, in place of Christmas. Some atheists become frustrated and ignore the holiday all together.

“I like the secular ideas of Christmas— lets all get together and be a family and celebrate our love for one another.” “For me, Christmas is a time for family. It’s a great time to be with those I love and enjoy myself,” says Folberg. It seems that many atheists feel the same way. “I like the ideas of Christmas. I like the secular ideas of Christmas—lets all get together and be a family and celebrate our love for one another. I celebrate Christmas in that respect. I don’t think of the nativity scene and Mary and Joseph and Jesus being born. I think a Christmas Tree with pretty lights,” says student James Kennedy. While for many it can be the happiest time of the year, not all atheists feel that way. Chris Nolting, the Administrative Director of CASH, didn’t have a family who knew about his atheism. “When I was young we would go to church twice a year: Christmas and Easter. This was annoying but so rare that it was just something I had to suffer through and then it was over. My parents never thought that I didn’t believe, they just thought I was a kid who was bored and didn’t care about religion,” says Nolting. “During the holidays, when confront-

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Keit osadchuk

ed with religious iconography everywhere you turn, it makes you feel a little alone to be surrounded by people that believe differently than you. This is true all year round, but it is much more apparent during the holiday season.”

“….For love, and for giving, we say “tis the season” for caring, for kindness, for sharing good cheer. But why limit ourselves? I mean, what is the reason? Why can’t we be giving the rest of the year?

“During the holidays, when confronted with religious iconography everywhere you turn, it makes you feel a little alone to be surrounded by people that believe differently than you.”

“This Christmas, my wish for each sister and brother, to you, and to everyone you may hold dear: Remember, this Christmas, to love one another— Not only this season, but all through the year!”

Folberg also had a poem that she felt accurately describes her feeling about Christmas, and honestly, could reflect most anyone’s views on the holiday.

But I think Nolting put it best. “Overall, I really like the holiday season. Regardless of what you believe or why, I think the holidays can bring out the best in people: getting together with loved ones, volunteering, being more generous and kind, and just taking a break from the craziness of life cannot be bad ideas.”

cities

Aren’t Breaks Supposed To Be Fun? A Case For A Longer Break Before the Holidays By Alicia Johnson It is December and that means Christmas is right around the corner. Oh the holiday season, what a lovely time filled with friends, family, and finals. Yes, I said finals. Unfortunately many schools, like our very own, finish their finals and start their holiday breaks only days before Christmas. Breaks are meant for students to relax and see friends and family. That is, if they can see friends. Almost every school has a different way to decide when breaks should be and it can be a challenge to organize something with all your friends when no one’s schedules line up. Schools need to consider this and many other things when choosing breaks. The holiday season is the time to go to the Holidazzle parade with friends, finish last minutes gifts, watch Christmas movies, bake cookies and dunk them in hot chocolate, make snowmen (or in my case complain about how cold it is while others are doing all the work), and put funny little costumes on cats and dogs (I cannot be alone on that one, I hope). Although, if you have finals the week before Christmas you can pretty much kiss all that goodbye. As a college student you have to devote your life to studying for these darn things. It’s hard to study, study, study when you’re planning for break and what you’re doing over the holidays.

the 14th because of her finals schedule. I think that’s nice.” Iowa State starts its school year earlier than us, but gets nicer breaks like a week off for Thanksgiving and a week before the Holidays. Maybe the U should adjust and start school earlier so the students can enjoy nicer, longer breaks. It is also unfair that finals are spread out so many days and it is all about chance when break can start for an individual. Some teachers are generous and have final tests in class the week before the “official” finals week. Others get lucky and finish the first week of finals and get to have fun while the rest of us are stuck here cramming all day and night going crazy because we miss our friends and family. It just makes sense to make it uniform that break starts a week earlier, and students all seem to agree.

I am one of the lucky few who get the honor of staying on campus up until it closes because the school thinks it is a good idea to have finals three days before Christmas. It’s really upsetting that I know my whole mind isn’t in finals mode because I am too anxious for Christmas. This is an injustice. I think everyone would do better on finals if they didn’t have to worry about their plans over break.

I am fortunate enough to live about ten minutes from campus, but for those who have to battle the time crunch by flying out of state, or even out of the country, well that has to add even more stress on top of finals. Flying always stresses me out. Maybe it is because I missed my flight once and had to wait all day at an airport or maybe because I am just crazy, but either way I would not want to deal with the airport during the days before Christmas. Airlines get so busy and the chances of losing luggage sky rocket. Would it not be nice to fly out a week earlier so if anything goes wrong you have plenty of time to make things better and not stress out and cry before the holidays? There is the option to try to change the date that you take the final, but some teachers are stricter than others and won’t allow you to miss a final unless it directly conflicts with another one.

“I think a solid week before Christmas would be nice, so you can actually get ready for the holidays rather than cursing yourself for not being in the library studying.”

Even if our school did change its break and made it the week before Christmas like everyone wants, there is always the problem of other schools having different breaks. Our break starts the 23rd as does Madison’s, but even other schools in the region have different dates. St. Olaf starts the 21st, the Art Institute starts the 17th, and North Dakota State University starts the 16th. So unless all your friends go to the same school, you can see how difficult making plans with everyone becomes. It sucks being back home when no one else is.

Meghan Finley, a student here at the U of M, recalls last year’s struggles, “This semester I’m lucky since I’m done on the 16th, but last year I remember having finals until the 21st or 22nd, which is frustrating. My ideal break would start, at the latest, on December 18th. I think a solid week before Christmas would be nice, so you can actually get ready for the holidays rather than cursing yourself for not being in the library studying.” That is the perfect solution! A week is just enough time to relax after finals and enjoy some holiday festivities.

Friends are important to see over break, but family is more important. Most adults have to go back to work shortly after the holidays, so having such a late break really sucks because that doesn’t leave much time to visit with mom and dad. No one wants to go back to their hometown only to sit on the couch and watch hours of television. Let’s be real, we can do that at college. Time spent at home is meant for reminiscing with old friends, catching up with family you never get to see, and most importantly to get away from the college lifestyle.

Julian Esparza, another student here at the U, agrees that finals should end earlier, “I would rather have finals week be the week before and have break start around Friday the 16th. My girlfriend who goes to Iowa State is coming back home

Schools should try to work together to make break the best it can be for students. It benefits the teachers too because who honestly wants to be working around Christmas? Spending time with family seems a lot more fun than hand-

ing out and grading finals. Obviously, students always find a way of making the best out of the situation and still enjoy time spent with loved ones. We shouldn’t be in that situation to begin with, though. Everyone would have a better holiday season if finals ended sooner and people could start break and have fun earlier. Maybe in the future schools will see that students have a valid point in this argument and things can change. For now, good luck with finals and don’t let it mess with your holiday spirit.

habakkuk stockstill

www.wakemag.org

cities

MPLS Dance Nights by Elissa Mann

The weather outside is frightful, but don’t let that keep you indoors; the Twin Cities dance scene is hot and happening! Are fist pumping and chest popping not your thing? Don’t worry; there are plenty of other ways to get your dance on without grinding up on strangers! Avoid the cold and come check out some of these fun ways to spend an evening.

Wabasha Street Caves (St. Paul)

Famous Dave’ s (Uptown)

Kitty Kat Club (Dinkytown)

What: Swing Night

What: Salsa Tuesdays

What: Menergy

When: Every Thursday

When: Every Tuesday

When: varies; check out the website!

Cost: $7 cover

Cost: $5 cover

http://quasitox.com/menergy/

Have you ever danced in a cave? Most people aren’t even aware that we have caves in the Twin Cities! The Wabasha Caves in St. Paul are actual caves carved out of sandstone on the shores of the Mississippi River. They were legendary for being a gangster hotspot in the 1930s. Today, along with being a historic site and event venue, “The Caves” have Swing Nights every Thursday from 7–10 pm. The atmosphere is reminiscent of the 1920s big band period, with its live swing bands, jitterbug dance moves, and vintage décor. Couples and groups of people of all ages and skill levels show up. Don’t know how to swing dance? Come early at 6:15 for a free lesson with “Cave Man Dave,” or watch some of the expert dancers show off their skills. Live swing bands come to play every week, some of which include The Moonlight Serenaders, The Minnesota Jazz Orchestra, and others. It’s a unique dance experience and a great way to learn how to swing dance!

Famous Dave’s BBQ in Calhoun Square in Uptown turns into one of the best salsa spots in the Twin Cities every Tuesday evening, creating a mixed atmosphere of delicious American food and a south of the border dance fiesta. Again, you don’t have to know how to dance to show up, nor do you need to bring a partner (especially if you are a girl, as there are many available men attending). The dancing is not exclusive, so expect to change partners frequently! Show up a little early, and you will be given a little lesson on the basic steps of salsa. Many Latino men with great salsa and merengue skills show up and are usually more than willing to teach you a thing or two. A live band starts at 9:30 and plays until 12:30. If you speak Spanish, it is also a great place to show off your skills; the bands sing entirely in Spanish, and many of the attendees speak it as well. There is no dress code, although most women wear skirts and the men usually wear button downs. Take a bus or a cab, as parking in Uptown can be a little tricky and often expensive. It’s most fun with a group, so bring your friends (or meet new ones!), grab your dancing shoes, and come salsa!

Cost: $3 cover with RSVP, $5 cover without

Hell’s Kitchen (Downtown Minneapolis) What: Soul Friday When: the first Friday of every month Cost: $5 cover *This is a 21+ event! Despite its name, Hell’s Kitchen is known for having heavenly food, especially for breakfast. On the first Friday of every month, the restaurant is turned into a dance floor with a bar for Soul Friday, an event created for queer women of color and anyone else who wants to join in. Although many of the attendees are queer, straight couples go too, and everyone feels welcomed and at home. Different live DJs come in and spin a variety of music in front of a large white angel statue lit up in red. The décor and atmosphere are certainly classy, and although some drinks can be pretty expensive, they do have some Soul Friday deals ($3 Mich Goldens, $3 PBR, $4 Jameson shots and others). The event starts at 9 pm although it doesn’t get hopping until about 11-11:30ish, so plan accordingly. The dress code is lenient, but most people tend to dress up. Taking a bus or cab is probably the best option to get there, as it is cheaper than driving and most busses (16, 50, 3, 61, etc) will take you really close to its location on 9th Street. Soul Friday is an awesome place to go meet new people and have a good night out, whatever your sexual preferences may be.

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First Avenue (Downtown Minneapolis) What: Get Cryphy When: the first Friday of every month Cost: $3 cover in advance, $5 cover at the door (you can buy tickets in advance at First Avenue’s website, http:// first-avenue.com/) First Avenue is a popular concert venue in Minneapolis for bands small and large, as well as the location for the hip-hop dance night “Get Cryphy” which takes place on the first Friday of the month. For hip-hop enthusiasts, this is one of the best hip-hop nights in the cities, featuring artists like Jimmy 2 Times, Plain Ole Bill, DJ Fundo, and Last Word. It’s not fancy, so don’t worry about getting too dressed up. The dance floor usually gets packed, so be sure to get there early!

*This is a 21+ event! If you dig the random, the weird, the exciting, and the eclectic, you may want to check out “Menergy” at the Kitty Kat Club in Dinkytown. You won’t have to drive or take a bus, thanks to its close proximity to campus. Another perk is the discounted cover if you RSVP to the event. Each month has a different theme; for example, November was “Chillax, its Brovember!” and October was “Menergy Halloween,” which included the EP release of Minneapolis artist Gigamesh. The live music includes techno/electronic bands such as Gigamesh, Bach to the Future, The Night Stalker, and others. One of the unique aspects of “Menergy” is the projection of multimedia-animated videos by Time Squid. It’s creative, a little trippy, and visually stimulating. The dress code is pretty much whatever you want to wear, and mostly college students and young people attend the event. Anyone and everyone who wants to have a fun night enjoying unique art forms and jamming to modern and innovative electronic music is invited!

cities

Walking Out On The Plank With Family Force 5

The band that made the most danceable Christmas album of all time is back with a drastically new sound

snow blizzards that— N: We’re doomed. F: We don’t know how to experience them. C: We’re definitely doomed. N: The key part of that is: we are doomed. CS: I like it! W: You like it? You mean, you like traveling in it? Or I think it’s more of a thing where you can just look at it from the inside and be like, “This is nice” ? CS: I just like looking at it.

SGA: I don’t mean to be a bah-humbug type of dude, but I don’t like a lot of Christmas music for some reason. It’s just, I’ve heard it all my life. Sometimes I get into it, sometimes I don’t, but we were like, “What if we made a danceable version of some Christmas songs? I wonder if people would like that.” F: Soul Glow, you kind of sound like Scrooge. SGA: I know, I do. I totally sound like a Scrooge McDuck. W: I mean it’s totally ok because you guys made this Christmas Pageant album that’s exactly that. It’s like Christmas music that you can actually dance to instead of everyone just like sitting around like, “Oh this is so nice.” It’s like people can actually go out and party around Christmas.

W: But then once you go out in it you’re like, “I hate this. Get this snow out of here” ?

SGA: I want something—we wanted to make an album that made people like knock some eggnog out of your hand, burn some people, you know?

C: Yeah, that’s how I feel.

C: Or while you’re drinking an eggnog latte—

By Alex Lauer

SGA: Yeah, I’m with that guy over there.

CS: That’s some hot eggnog. Hot nog!

W: Yeah, I mean, I’m probably going to get a lot of—

C:—you’re dropping it down to the floor.

When you think of listening to Christmas music, what thoughts dance above your head? Is it a picture of a crackling fireplace with snow lightly falling outside? Is it you and your friends drinking hot chocolate and making gingerbread houses? Or is it dancing like crazy and knocking eggnog out of someone else’s hands? If you’re in need of the latter, then you need to get your hands on a copy of Family Force 5’s Christmas Pageant. Released in 2009, their pumped-up covers and originals are like nothing you’ve heard before. This is not a seasonal hit that will fade away with time, this is an album that will dominate Christmas dance parties for years and years to come.

SGA: Get this snow out of here!

SGA: Yeah.

I had a chance to sit down with Family Force 5 when they came to our campus to play a Pulse-sponsored show alongside Owl City. We talked about their Christmas album, their new, divergent album III [Three], and their pirate fans.

The Wake: Before we go into anything, could you guys just all introduce yourselves for people who don’t know you by name? Chap Stique: Chap Stique, I play the guitar. I walk on the gui-tar!

W: I’m going to get a lot of hate from Minnesota people, but I’d rather experience the snow from the inside. SGA: MinneSNOWta. W: For real. C: See, we drove through this awesome part of town with all these really cool houses. I kind of wish that there were, like, Christmas decorations up ‘cause I’ve never seen Christmas in the snow. W: Ok, so I was going to get to this later but I might as well get into it right now. You guys did the Christmas Pageant album; do you guys like the normal kind of holiday tunes or did you make that because you’re like, “We could do this way better”?

C: Like trying not to get “Tsss!” You know what I’m sayin’? It’s like a game. W: Even better than just a Christmas album, you guys just put out a new album [III] a month ago. And so your last album, Dance or Die, was a pretty huge hit. How do you guys come back and form an album after something that did so well? SGA: Um, I think we were just like, let’s just make some new music—kind of get back to a little bit of our aggressive roots. We played around with a couple different sounds on the album. I mean, I think about artists these days you need to, like, you need to kinda be able to stretch, I don’t know, walk out there on the plank a little bit and see if your fans will go with you. N: Just go, “Arrgh!” SGA: Yeah, haha, ‘cause we have a bunch of pirates as fans. N: “On the plank!” C: A bunch of pirate fans.

Crouton: I’m Crouton, I play drums and I sing a little bit.

N: Walk the plank! Make a new album!

Soul Glow Activatur: I’m Soul Glow Activatur, I sing and play guitar.

F: Family Force 5 likes characters: pirates, abominable snowmen. That’s kind of what [III] is about.

Nadaddy: I’m Nadaddy, I do keys.

N: Abomina-abomina-abominable.

Fatty: Yeah man, yeah...I’m Fatty, I play bass.

SGA: But yeah man, I think we just wanted to make some new music and it had been like three years since we had put out Dance or Die so it’s about time.

W: So you guys are originally from Atlanta, Georgia and you just happened to come into Minnesota on the first day where we actually had real snow. How are you guys feeling about that right now? SGA: It’s...it’s cold dude. F: I think weather follows Family Force 5 around, because we just got off of a tour and we brought the snow to Pennsylvania—the first blizzard they had this year, too. So I think we’re just doomed to be Southern guys that are around

N: That’s really why we called it [III]. SGA: We need to keep dancing instead of dying.

For the full interview with concert footage, go to: www.youtube.com/TheWakeMagazine

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sound & vision

The End of Community?

Will Greendale’s study group be disbanded? By Mitch Ambrose As a fan of the brilliant sitcom Community, I was surprised, nay, shocked to hear that NBC recently decided to put the show on an indefinite hiatus. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show, Community follows a group of students attending Greendale Community College who form a study group (although you never actually see them studying). The cast does include some well-known faces, namely Chevy Chase and Joel McHale, but most are (or at least were until recently) relative unknowns. In general, the witty writing and playful atmosphere of the show combined with a great dynamic between the characters allows Community to consistently achieve hilarity. I was first exposed to Community last year when I saw what is referred to (often with a tone of reverence) by fans simply as “The Paintball Episode,” an episode which is undoubtedly one of the best of any TV comedy ever. If this statement has

piqued your interest and if you are now wondering whether or not you would enjoy Community, I recommend searching “community spanish rap” on Youtube and watching the corresponding video. Although this short clip (in which two of the show’s characters spontaneously deliver a ridiculous but equally hilarious rap) is no substitute for watching an actual episode, it will give you a great sense of the style of humor that Community frequently employs. There are various reasons why a show may be put on hiatus, but most have something or other to do with ratings. The Community hiatus is most likely the result of the fact that the show has not been drawing enough viewers to suit NBC’s liking. Indeed, Community has fared relatively poorly ratingswise against other television comedies. What NBC intends to accomplish with the hiatus is unclear. The hiatus could be a warning to the producers (and viewers) that cancellation is imminent if the show cannot draw a large enough audience share, or it could just be a means of lengthening the season. My theory is that the hiatus is actually a devious means of generating enough buzz about the show that people will want to find out what all the fuss is about, although this is likely just the wishful thinking of a distraught fan. Regardless of whether or not my theory is correct, there certainly has been a huge fuss. The internet often serves as the canary in the coal mine for judging public reaction, and right now the canary is screaming bloody murder. One need only look to Twitter to get an idea of the magnitude and vehemence of the fan response. There is a veritable mountain of posts with tags such as #savecommunity or, my personal favorite, #sixseasonsandamovie (a reference to a running joke from the show). Likewise, this article will join the rapidly growing list of opinion pieces that have decried the hiatus. These are a few of the many indicators of just how passionate the Community fan base is. More importantly, the extent of the response on the internet suggests that there are many Community fans that are not getting counted by the traditional television rating meth-

keit osadchuk

ods. Currently, television rankings are primarily carried out by the Nielsen Company, which gathers its data from viewer diaries of television use or from devices installed in certain participating households. The Nielsen ratings have been heavily criticized for being based on too small of a sample size and for not taking into account different forms of viewing, such as online streaming. Needless to say, it would be a great shame if Community were cancelled on the basis of incomplete information. And it is not out of the realm of possibility that Community will be cancelled. It would not be the first time that a television show was axed despite having a deeply devoted fan base. Two recent examples are Firefly, a space-western cancelled during its 2002 debut season, and Arrested Development, a sitcom cancelled in 2006 after three seasons. Main-stream success eluded both of these shows, but they quickly became cult favorites because their originality. Ironically, the cancellation of Firefly was even mentioned in a Season 2 episode of Community. Troy and Abed, two of the show’s main characters, make a pact that if one of them dies, the other will stage their death to look like a suicide caused by the unjust cancellation of Firefly.

If the Community hiatus was ultimately ratings motivated, it is an indication of a distressing trend: the growing importance of advertising revenue in influencing content. Both of these examples do however provide some hope for the worried Community fan. Firefly fans were unable to get the show to return to television (although many are still trying), but they did make enough noise to help convince the higher-ups that a Firefly movie would be marketable, thus leading to the creation of Serenity, a movie set in the Firefly universe. Similarly, Arrested Development fans likely played a large role in influencing Netflix’s recent decision to resurrect the series. Overall, if the Community hiatus was ultimately ratings-motivated, it is an indication of a distressing trend: the growing importance of advertising revenue in influencing content. It is easy to forget that television is an industry perpetuated by advertising revenue. The number and demographics of viewers a show attracts determine the price of an advertising slot during the show, which consequently influences how much profit the network will make. If the producers of Community are pressured into altering the content of the show in order to bolster ratings, their creativity will be restricted and new constraints will be placed on what they can and cannot include. There are of course certain economic realities to the situation: without sufficient money from advertising, networks would have to find an alternate means of funding, a means that would most likely trace back to the pocket of the viewers. But is it too much to ask that networks place more value on content? There should be a sense of pride that comes with offering high quality television. Community is such a wellwritten, well-executed and unique show that who cares if the teeming millions don’t appreciate it for what it is worth?

12 - 22 december 2011

sound & vision

Doomtree Does it Again with No Kings by jeff torney The hip-hop collective DoomTree, consisting of rappers POS, Dessa, Mike Mictlan, Cecil Otter and Sims have released their third group album No Kings with Lazerbeak and Cecil Otter stepping into the role of producers. Under the direction of the two, No Kings is able to find the perfect balance between unique rhythm instrumentals and powerful lyrics. With every member contributing to the album, each song has a strong ring of truth and insight into the lives and emotions of the crew. One element that makes the No Kings album unique from any of their past albums is the amount of collaborative knowledge that is pulled into it. As many of the members are pursuing solo carriers out side of DoomTree, No Kings is able to combine their different experiences into one of their strongest albums so far. Although it may only have twelve songs and is on the shorter side, each track is peppered with the individual styles of the members that brings a good balance to the album. The final success to this album is the production throughout by Lazerbeak and Cecil Otter. The two were able to create and match background rhythms and beats to each song seamlessly and add a perfect accent to the meaning and intensity of each song. To accompany the new album, DoomTree is having their seventh Blowout at First Ave and the 7th St. Entry. For one week each member will select groups to play at the 7th St. Entry and will wrap it up with a twenty-one plus show on Friday and an all ages on Saturday at the First Ave Main Room.

Walking Dead Season Two by Cooper Henckel Absolutely outstanding. For those of you not in the know, The Walking Dead, is a comic book made into an AMC tv show. Currently in the second season, the first season follows the comic book rather closely. The second season, which is on hiatus until February, follows a similar line with the comics, but begins to diverge from them in great ways. In the mid-season finale, nearly everything unthinkable occurred. Not only did it pick up perfectly where the first season ended, but it’s made the whole post-apocalyptic world grow. A number of tragedies and love triangles complicate the lives of these zombie-plagued survivors as they try and find a way to survive. The conflict between characters and the skillful writing makes every moment nail-biting. There isn’t a second of this show where you can be bored. Everything is carefully tied into the other plots of the show and though the show is still following the basic premise that the comics introduced, there’s enough of a difference to truly make the show its own piece. The mid-season finale itself is deserving of special praise. Not only were all the questions from the first half of the season answered, so many more new questions were introduced. The conflict between our protagonist, Rick Grimes, and our anti-hero/antagonist, Shane Walsh, heats up over a surprise blessing. More importantly, Shane’s growing instability reaches a breaking point and everyone in the camp suffers because of it, Shane most certainly withstanding. The characterization and delicate manner in which the writers evolve the characters truly shows in the mid-season finale, “Pretty Much Dead Already,” which is quite aptly named. If you aren’t a fan of the show, this episode will certainly change that! Go get a hold of the episodes however you can and settle in – it’ll be the best few hours of your life! Aside from zombies, which everyone can get behind, the show offers powerful actors with amazing ranges, plots that force you to confront your own morality, and a world in which you not only lose yourself, but find something new as well. Oh, and of course there’s the appropriate amount of blood, gore, violence, fighting, and verbal confrontations to spice everything up. If you’re looking the right mixture of action, plot, and zombies, turn to AMC.

Immortal Technique Drops The Martyr by Justin Miller Immortal Technique released The Martyr, a new compilation album, back in October and the timing could not have been better. The revolutionary rapper dropped this album alongside one of the largest and most widespread protest movements in the U.S. since the 60’s and The Martyr reflects this. He comes at it like he always has; hard and with a strong political conviction that’ll make you want to march to D.C. and Wall Street, pitchfork in one hand and a bold middle finger in the other. He starts off strong and with the help of a top notch roster of politically charged rappers from dead prez to Brother Ali to Chuck D, it doesn’t let up for a second. The Martyr is sixteen songs of pure, revolution-sparking rap that hit on the controversial issues like income inequality, racism, and corruption in the government that have become public discussion thanks to the Occupy protests. “Angels &Demons (ft. dead prez & Bazaar Royale),” “Toast to the Dead,” and “Civil War (ft. Killer Mike, Brother Ali & Chuck D)” are the heavy hitters that definitely stood out, but the album as a whole remains solid throughout the long tracklist. If you are already an Immortal Technique fan, you know what to expect and you won’t be disappointed. If you haven’t had the enlightenment of listening to Immortal Technique yet, go and get The Martyr online; no risk involved, since he is giving it away for free.

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mind’s eye

The End of Aging Has the first person to live to 1,000 already been born? By Mitch Ambrose

“Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one, a moment, in childhood, when it first occurred to you that you don’t go on forever. It must have been shattering, stamped into one’s memory. And yet, I can’t remember it.” –Rosencrantz in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead This quotation raises an interesting question: why don’t we remember the moment at which we first learned of our own mortality? This question is puzzling given that we often do remember where we were and what we were doing when we learned of similarly shocking things, such as the assassination of a public figure. So what is it about learning of mortality that causes it to slip from our memory? One possible reason is that truly grasping the fact that one day you will die is not something that can occur instantaneously. Arguably, the vast majority of us have not yet come to terms with our own mortality; we do not find the memory because, in a sense, we do not yet possess it. While we all know that we will die, few of us have accepted that we will die and therefore we have not quite learned what it is to be mortal. One often hears of people, upon recently surviving a neardeath experience, saying such things as “there came a moment when I really thought that I was going to die.” Perhaps only these people have really learned of their own mortality. It certainly leaves a large impression on their psyche; many of them go on to radically alter their outlook on life because of their recent brush with death. And yet, despite this resistance to thoughts about mortality, there is a simultaneous resistance to thoughts about the possibility of ending aging. We find it very hard to truly accept that we will one day die, but at the same time, we find it very hard to accept that there is any way to avoid dying. This paradoxical combination of resistance to one idea and resignation to a mutually exclusive idea stands in need of an explanation. Aubrey de Gray, a prominent and outspoken gerontologist, has referred to the latter phenomenon as a “pro-aging trance.” Now, what exactly is gerontology? One way of defining it is to note that its goal is to make geriatrics, the branch of medicine dealing with the health problems of the elderly, obsolete. In general, gerontology is the study of aging and it seeks ways to slow or even halt certain aging-related processes that occur within living organisms. If even a few of Gray’s bold predictions turn out to be true, this word will certainly enter the common vernacular. Gray derives much of his notoriety from his outspoken belief that the field of gerontology is on the verge of a breakthrough. This belief has led him to suggest that the first person to live to 150 has already been born and that the first person to live to 1,000 will be born within the next two decades. This sounds so ridiculous that it would be easy to dismiss Gray as more suited to be a science fiction writer than a scientist, but perhaps this response is really a product of our entrenched notions about mortality. Although Gray seems like quite

12 – 22 december 2011

josie kiefenheim

the character (for someone who talks of the end of aging, it is somewhat odd that he insists on maintaining a beard that reaches to his chest and makes him look 20 years older), there is growing evidence that he may be right in his convictions. In a recent study, researchers at the Mayo clinic discovered a way to remove senescent cells from mice, cells that have been implicated as playing a key role in the aging process. The mice who received treatment took significantly longer to develop age-related disorders such as muscle loss and cataracts. This and other small advances suggest that the battle against aging is not as futile as we may think.

If people could live forever, would anyone actually grow up? To predict the pace of advances in gerontology, Gray asks us to consider the history of aviation. Humans have dreamt of being able to fly for all of recorded human history, a dream that had to wait thousands of years until the Wright brothers’ 1903 flight to become reality. However, once this first breakthrough was made, progress was swift and human ingenuity brought us to new heights, literally. Less than 60 years later, the first successful human spaceflight was carried out. Gray argues that an analogous breakthrough is on the horizon for gerontology, a point after which advances in com-

batting aging will be swift. If flight can go from a maximum altitude of a few hundred meters to a few hundred thousand meters in half a century, what’s to stop a similar increase from occurring for the maximum human age? One reason is that human biology is much more complex than the physics of flight, but this does not mean that significant improvements cannot be made. Perhaps an increase to a thousand year maximum age within a half century would be a reasonable estimate. If so, this would make Gray’s prediction about the first 1,000-year-old being born in the next 20 years quite reasonable. Supposing that it will soon be possible to significantly slow aging, should we actually do so? Issues of overpopulation would certainly have to be addressed, likely forcing the choice between a low birth rate and a high death rate. It is not at all clear which is the better option. Perhaps there would be a certain amount of intellectual stagnation if we stopped bringing new people into the world. Surely young people look at the world in a fundamentally different way than old people do? Or would paradigms about young and old not apply for people with much longer lifespans? If people could live forever, would anyone actually grow up? These are just a few of many considerations, but if Gray is correct in his assessment of the potential of gerontology, they are issues that will have to be dealt with in this century.

SUPER FUN CROSSWORD!!!! DOWN

ACROSS

2. Snow-writers use this medium in their work

1. His career peaked at Home Alone

4. The best way for us girls to escape from a guy’s world 6. Ke$ha’s favorite Sesame Street character (3 words) 7. Repeat oﬀender of breaking and entering since the 1820’s 8. You can take his dignity, as long as you leave his gumdrop buttons (2 words)

3. A girl’s BFF 5. The best cure for family gatherings

9. He’ll notice your sexy fingertips 11. Brick-like baked treat nobody wants to eat

15. All Mariah Carey wants for Christmas

14. Justin Bieber will be waiting under this with you, shawty

10. Kim Kardashian’s best asset 12. Holiday treat; also a stripper name (2 words)

13. A pair of these on your feet will help you stand out on the snowy sidewalks 10

ACROSS: 1. Culkin, 3. Diamonds, 5. Booze, 9. Manicure, 11. Fruitcake, 14. Mistletoe, 15. You DOWN: 2. Urine, 4. Shopping, 6. Oscar The Grouch, 7. Santa, 8. Ginger Bread Man, 10. Booty, 12. Candy Cane, 13. Pumps www.wakemag.org

Hunting For a Holiday Miracle BY ALYSSA BLUHM

When Adam Reynolds went hunting this past November, he was expecting to come home with a dead deer, not his long-lost father. The story begins with Reynolds standing in a Northern Wisconsin field dressed as a 15-point buck, a scheme for attracting deer he has found highly successful in the past. Unbeknownst to John Miller, who was keeping vigil from a nearby tree, the deer he was about to shoot was actually a person, his son. “I realized it wasn’t a deer when it started screaming,” Miller recounts. “When I got to Adam he was bleeding really bad from his leg, so I drove him to the closest hospital.” There, it was discovered that Reynolds needed an AB negative blood transfusion. “‘Does your blood type match your

son’s?’ the doctor asked me. He assumed I was Adam’s father because we look so much alike. And then he said that Adam and I had the same blood type… Well, it was just too uncanny,” says Miller. Miller claims this was the moment when he was prompted to have a paternity test done. He suddenly remembered that he and Terri, his long estranged ex-girlfriend, and Adam’s mother, shared the same blood type. They met while donating blood to the Red Cross in 1986. As for Reynolds, he won’t be pressing charges. “It’s so great to finally meet my real dad. I can’t wait to spend time with him this holiday season.” He jokes, “Nothing says ‘Merry Christmas’ like ‘I’m not going to sue you!’”

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Cats Are a Substitute, Not Evidence, for Loneliness

the cat. At 30 years old, she wasn’t getting any younger and a cat could at least be the start of her new life as a cat lady. It turned out that her name was Shirley Ann, the same as Cindi’s grandmother. She took the cat home with her that day. The months passed in a blur of catnip and canned tuna. Cindi was so glad she had taken the long way home that fateful March afternoon, and Shirley looked happier every day. But now it was November, and Cindi could not get the thought of her grandmother out of her mind. She wanted to stay home and spend the holiday with Shirley and a bucket of KFC, but she knew her mother would never forgive her. So she made sure there would be no stuﬃng at her family’s Thanksgiving celebration and got on the airplane home, leaving Shirley by herself for the weekend.

BY MAGGIE FOUCAULT

When Cindi l’Heu’s grandmother died last year after a stuﬃng-induced heart attack, she didn’t know if she would ever be able to replace her best friend in her heart. Cindi’s grandma had always been there for her; without her, Cindi felt lost. She spent the next couple of months in a deep depression, only venturing outside for more cookie dough ice cream or to retrieve a new rom-com from her mailbox that had been sent by Netflix. As the snow melted, so did the ice around Cindi’s heart. She went back to her job as a freelance secretary and stopped eating ice cream for every meal of the day. One day on her way home from work, she passed by an animal shelter. An employee at the door convinced her to come inside, if only to brighten her day by looking at fluﬀy little animals. As Cindi

looked at all the cute, plushy kittens, she felt nothing. She felt drawn towards the older cats; she knew that older cats didn’t get adopted as often as kittens and that made her feel sad. As she entered the next room, she felt drawn to a calico, longhaired cat that was missing a toe on each of it’s front feet. It reminded her of her late grandmother, who had lost both her pinkies in a freak knitting accident. She shrugged oﬀ her nostalgia, but she couldn’t stop feeling as though there was some kind of connection between her and

All weekend Cindi was anxious to get home. Thanksgiving had been a somber affair, due to the lack of both stuffing and grandma, but at least this year there were no food-related deaths during the event. As she opened her front door after arriving home, something seemed different. Shirley wasn’t in her usual spot by her food dish, and all the shed hair on the floor was missing. As she walked into the living room, she saw Shirley sitting on the rocking chair watching the Hallmark channel and knitting a Christmas sweater from her own fur. That’s when Cindi knew: the spirit of her grandma had come back in the form of this cat. She knew that with Shirley, she would never again feel alone. That was the best early Christmas present of all!

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Santa Baby BY ALEX LAUER

She held her mug of freshly brewed tea up to her face so that the wisps of steam would flow across her face. She folded her left leg under her, taking a seat on the living room couch with the seasonal pillows embroidered with snow covered evergreens and snowmen. “My mother is Mrs. Walker, she’s director of special events for Cole’s. She runs the parade. I know how this all works. You’re an employee of Cole’s,” said that precocious bundle of joy on the television screen. “That is true,” said a mall Santa Claus, who, unbeknownst to the little girl, was actually the real deal. “But you’re a very good Santa Claus. Your beard is stuck on real tight! Usually the store Santa Claus whiskers are too loose. Yours look realistic.” Sally was watching her favorite Christmas movie—the 1994 reboot of Miracle on 34th Street. She had a thing for Dylan McDermott, because, I mean, who doesn’t? But the real reason she watched this movie at least three times every December was because of Mara Wilson. She was the perfect daugh-

ter: bright eyes, a cute lisp, instinctually intelligent, and she was the only reason her mom was happy in the end. The mom in that movie didn’t deserve a daughter like Mara. Sally finally took a sip of her tea and turned her attention to the presents under her tree. Her family was coming over for Christmas Day, like they had done for the past three years. Her house was perfect for it. It was large enough to fit everyone (she thanked her new corner office position at Target Corporate for that), it was impeccably decorated, and it was always clean because she was the only one living there. Her mom and dad were always so proud to have such a wellto-do daughter, and Sally couldn’t say she resented her high standing career, but it didn’t mean anything if she didn’t have anyone to share it with. Unfortunately, no man had ever struck Sally as capable of producing Mara Wilson-esque offspring, or, if they did, they sooner or later proved otherwise. Because that’s what it was all about, no offense to the male population, but the only present she wished for every year was a daughter. D Despite being 35-years-old, she still wrote a letter to Santa every Christmas Eve. Her eyes glanced over to it on the mantel. The gold edges glowed and sparkled from the fireplace crackling behind it. Even though it was a ridiculous ritual, she wasn’t doing it out of habit or from some secret desire to go back to childhood. She was one of those adults that never lost the magic. She

was one of those adults that never truly stopped believing in Santa Claus. Her eyelids began to droop as she gazed at that hopeful letter. They fluttered until the warmth of the fire and the tea washed over her like a blanket and she fell asleep. She woke up the following morning to the alarm clock upstairs, set to go oﬀ at 6 a.m. every day. Being Christmas Day, the song that floated out of her bedroom door and downstairs to where she lay on the couch happened to be “Santa Baby.” As she sat up and stretched she noticed something diﬀerent—her letter to Santa was opened. The seal had been broken and the note sat on top of the envelope. She walked over and picked it up. The only line she had written—“All I want for Christmas this year is a daughter like Mara Wilson to love and to share my life with”—now had a check mark next to it. There it was, a check mark in dazzling gold ink and under it! A “Merry Christmas” in the same gold ink. But what did this mean? Who had broken into her house and done this? Had her brothers gotten there early and pulled a prank on her? [thump] Sally froze. She touched her stomach and felt it again. [thump] She didn’t know how, but she knew. Santa had given her the ultimate gift.

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The Adventures of the Ghost of Michael Buble

of snowflakes right in front of Peter’s eyes. “AH!” Peter yelped. “Oh, calm down. I won’t keep you long. Get over the fact that I’m a ghost and answer me this: do you love May?” “Y-y-yes! Of course I do!” “Then get in there and propose to her! If you don’t you will lose her forever—,” his voice trailed oﬀ as he was whisked away with a gust of wind. As May took her seat in a pew she realized Peter had disappeared. She looked around the crowded church, and then heard a raised voice from the pulpit.

BY ALEX LAUER

“May! Where are you?!” Peter and May decided to walk to church that Christmas Eve. After all, it was only twelve blocks away and the snow had been falling softly all day, turning their path into a winter wonderland. The houses they passed were covered in white and multi-colored lights that glowed magically under the fresh snow. But they walked through this dreamland in silence, their gloved hands never reaching for the other’s. You see, Peter and May had been together for 5 years and all of their friends thought they should have gotten married years ago. May had brought it up with Peter that night, telling him how much she loved him but she couldn’t handle such a long relationship without any real commitment. Peter could only oﬀer up the same excuse he had been using for the last 3 years, “I can’t support a family right now. Once I have my finances in order I promise I’ll make this oﬃcial,” as if she cared about having a big house or nice cars. The last thing she had said to him was, “God, Peter! Why can’t you be more

12 – 22 december 2011

like Michael Buble?!” She had just watched a promo video for Michael’s new Christmas album where he talked about just wanting a family so he could share his love of Christmas with his children. As they reached the church, Peter opened the door and let May step in first, but before he could follow he felt a strong tug on the back of his jacket. He was pulled oﬀ the ground by some unseen force all the way around to the side of the church. He was dropped amidst a group of pine trees where there was no light except for that streaming outside through the stained glass windows. “Wh-who’s there?” Peter shivered. “It’s me! The ghost of Michael Buble! I’ve come to save your relationship with May.” The figure of the pop star formed out

She saw that the person at the microphone was Peter, still all bundled up and looking around frantically. The entire room had gone silent. “I’m here Peter!” She stood up and waved. “May! I love you so much. I don’t know what I’ve been thinking for the past 4 years. I knew it the first day I met you just as much as I know it now—I want to spend my life with you and I don’t want to wait one second longer to start that life. Will you marry me?” The hundreds of churchgoers, young and old, burst into applause. Ready to run into his arms, May heard a tap on a window to her right and turned to look. Outside, a drift of snow floated by that she swore looked like the face of Michael Buble. He smiled and winked at her, then disappeared amongst the mass of snowflakes.

No name brings to mind glamour more than Jennifer Lopez. Once a resident of the block, J.Lo now lives in a luxurious mansion in L.A. but has never forgotten about the place that made her great. After her fairytale romance with Ben Aﬄeck shockingly ended without a wedding, the world rejoiced as J.Lo found love with a less famous but arguably more authentic Marc Antony. After seven years and two kids, the Latino power couple called it quits and Jennifer has moved on to Cougar Town by pulling a Britney (or Madonna, depending on how old you are) and hookin’ up with her younger back-up dancer. We tracked J.Lo down in L.A. to rap about life, love, and body doubles.

Wake: You’ve had a long and rewarding career under the name J.Lo, but as you mature as an artist do you still want to be known by that nickname? JL: Whatevah. Just so long as you know that I’m still I’m still Jenny from the block. Wake: Oh, we haven’t forgotten that. No one is more from the block than you, J.Lo. But there has been some controversy surrounding your block cred. I mean, you didn’t even make the trip out to the Bronx to shoot your recent commercial for Fiat. Why is that? JL: That place is dirty as hell! I don’t get why anyone lives in that dump. Wake: Probably because they don’t have the socioeconomic opportunities that you’ve had? JL: Whatevah, whatevah! I do what I want! Wake: You sure do. Is it that attitude that led to your split with Marc? Was it hard for him to deal with your take-charge attitude? JL: Look. You know what the numba one comment I get from my fans about my music is? That it is empowering. I’m a strong woman, yah heard? I’m not going to let any man, not even Mr. Marc-ie Suave, determine my fate. Wake: And how are things now? It must be hard on your children. JL: It’s really hard you know? But the other day I saw this movie The Parent Trap and I just got inspired! I feel like those parents really knew what to do after a divorce with twins involved, cause it’s just so diﬀerent. So our new plan is for Max to stay with Marc and I’ll hold on to Emme and we won’t ever have to talk to each other again! Wake: Do you think that might cause problems for your children later in life? JL: I think it’ll make them stronger. And it’ll save me a lot of time, which is the most important thing. Wake: Like using a body double? JL: Fo sho, fo sho. Wake: We talked about your commercial earlier, but do you use a body double for anything else? JL: All the time, yo! It’s cheaper than hiring a nanny and my kid thinks that she’s playing with me when really I’m getting my nails done. It also means that I can make more money by taking jobs that have conflicting times. Wake: Really? What kinds of jobs do you use it for besides commercials? JL: To tell you the truth, you’ve actually been talking to a body double this whole time. We just put me on Skype on her iPhone because her voice doesn’t sound nothing like mine! Isn’t technology great?

www.wakemag.org

KE$HA BY JILLIAN COUSINO

Love her or hate her, your favorite Oscar the Grouch impersonator is here to stay. Ke$ha has taken over the world with her water bottles full of whiskey in her handbag. With her impressive vocal range and her amazing lyrical abilities, it’s no wonder that the walking rats nest that is Ke$ha is a chart topping hit machine. Ke$ha took a break from her busy work schedule to hang out with us and talk about her favorite liquor, her style inspirations and how to achieve your dreams! Wake: Your first album was a smash hit. Were you surprised at the reception you got when you were still so new? Ke$ha: ............mmmhhhmmmmmpppppphhhhh........

what my songs are all about: not caring about what other people think! Fuck trends, man. Wake: If you don’t follow trends, why do you have those feather extensions in your hair?

Ke$ha: Those aren’t extensions, I just let pigeons stay there sometimes. We all need a place to crash, you know? Who am I to say that a pigeon can’t chill with me? We’re all just people.

Wake: Uh, are you awake right now? [Pokes Ke$ha in the arm] Ke$ha: GET OFF ME BITCH THAT’S MY BLACK VELVET!! ...uh sorry, I fell asleep. Wake: Don’t worry about it, we know you’re pretty busy these days. We’re just glad you could be here! So what exactly has been keeping you busy these days? Ke$ha: Well I just finished my Christmas album, Fuckin’ XXXmas. I just really fuckin love Christmas, you know? All the presents and shit and that dude in the red suit that breaks into your house. I wanna chill with him, he probably does some crazy shit in the oﬀ-season. Wake: Yeah, Santa’s pretty cool. Are you working on another album that’s not Christmas-themed? Ke$ha: Why the fuck would I do that? Wake: Because you want to be a successful recording artist? Ke$ha: Fuck that. All I wanted was some more whiskey and these guys told me to sing for them so I did and they said I should go to their oﬃce with them and they’d make me a big star. I thought they just wanted me to ______ their _______s so I said “whatever” and went with them. But it turned out that they really did own a record label and now here we are! Wake: That’s kind of gross. Are those tough days the inspiration behind your songs? Ke$ha: Sorta. I also just really like cheap liquor and looking like I’ve slept on the street for the past month. But that’s

12 – 22 december 2011

Wake: Or birds. But whatever, moving along...I heard that you’re working on a fragrance? Ke$ha: Yeah, I’m wearing it right now!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Wake: Really? Because it smells like you just crawled out of the sewer... Ke$ha: Well isn’t that what Eau d’Toilet means? I was chillin down there one night and it just came to me. I ran back upstairs and got all my empty, little airplane-sized liquor bottles from the floor of my apartment and stayed down there for 3 days until I filled every single one. Doesn’t it just scream “THIS IS KE$HA BITCH” ?? Wake: Can’t disagree with you on that. Do you have any other entrepreneurial plans?

Ke$ha’s Style Tips 1. Nature can be a huge inspiration. Go outside and see what gets stuck in your hair! 2. You should never buy a pair of jeans that doesn’t have at least 3 holes per leg. 3. Same goes for jeggings.

Ke$ha: That shit is top secret! I don’t get why people kee-- [slumps down in chair] mmhhhppphhhh..... Wake: Excuse me?

4. Put on as much eyeliner as possible. Always make sure to rub your eyes vigorously before you leave the house. 5. NEVER forget the mothafuckin glitter!!!!!!!!

K im’s Relationship Advice 1.) Don’t let anybody change you. You are perfect just the way you are! 2.) But always try to change your man. You know best, girl!

BY MICHELLE ROSENTHAL

Inspiring. Intelligent. Iconic. These are just some of the words that can be used to describe Kim Kardashian (that don’t start with a K anyway). From Paris Hilton’s sidekick to stealing the spotlight from her backstabbing friend (who is totally way too skinny to be hot anyway), Kim will stop at nothing to dominate the airwaves. With an entertainment empire valued in the millions and a high profile divorce keeping her name in the tabloids, the world is her oyster (not like she’d ever eat those). The homemadesex-tape-participant-reality-show-diva sat down with us to talk about life, love, and being part of the one percent.

Wake: Your recent divorce has been on the cover of tabloids for months, even before it was oﬃcial. How are you holding up these days? KK: It’s tough seeing such catty things written about someone you love, especially when they aren’t true! I think they should stop being so hard on me and take a look at Kris [Humphries] for once! It’s always about me; what Kim did wrong, what Kim should have done, what Kim is wearing to divorce court. I guess that’s not too bad, but maybe if they would just leave me alone once in a while and go up to Michigan and get the real story it would all die down! Wake: Kris Humphries is from Minnesota... KK: Whatever, they both start with M and are covered in weird white stuﬀ for like half a year. Wake: So I take it that you aren’t a fan of Minnesota?

3.) If the engagement ring didn’t cost more than your first car, dtmfa! 4.) Don’t be afraid of the d-word. Everybody’s doing it these days! 5.) If you aren’t married by 30, just give up now and buy some cats.

Kris was expensive; I had to get my nails done every two days instead of every three days because he was always destroying my french tips with his caveman body! And he would never help me wax my va-jay-jay. I would say to him, “My sisters help me all the time with this! Why can’t you just help out this once?” Wake: Has this divorce and all the vagina waxing brought you closer to Kourtney and Khloe? KK: OMG you have no idea! Except now that I am getting divorced I’m taking a break from the dating scene, so we haven’t had as much vadge waxing time as I’d like. I help them out a lot though, since Khloe is so fat she can’t reach her vagine and Kourtney just likes to have people look at it. That’s the real reason she won’t marry Scott! If they get married, then no one else is allowed to look at her cooch! Wake: Is that just one of Scott’s rules? KK: No, it’s in the bible. Wake: Uh, ok. So... what else are you guys working on? How many shows do you have now?

KK: Why would I do an interview for a magazine from Minnesota?

KK: Well we still have Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami, Kourtney & Kim Take New York, and Khloe & Lamar: Newlyweds. But since Khloe and Lamar are still happily married there’s just not enough drama to keep that show going. Until she has a baby, it’s on hiatus. We’ve been talking about opening a salon, Dashed Hopes. It would make an awesome TV show because me, Kourntey and Khloe are all going to work there as waxers. We really wanted to continue getting attention for doing things that don’t add anything to the world that we live in. And Kylie and Kendall are going to be receptionists, it’ll be so cute!!

Wake. Ok, well then. Tell us a little about your and Kris’ drama. What won’t we get to see on TV?

Wake: Um, cool I guess? It sounds like family is really important to you.

KK: Well you already saw him ruin my pedicure, so imagine that but every single day of the week! Being with

KK: Definitely, family is the most important thing in the world. Unless you married into it. Or if you’re Scott.

KK: I mean, I really like the style up there. Everyone wears Ugg boots and those North Face jackets are so cute and affordable! But they just don’t get the kind of lifestyle that I have. Wake: And what would that be, exactly? KK: I mean, what fun is walking a red carpet when the snow turns it into a white carpet? Not like they ever have events besides dog sled races anyway. Wake: You know this is a Minnesotan publication, right?

www.wakemag.org

3 2 7

9 8 4

5 KEIT OSADCHUK

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

1. Soft, furry handcuďŹ&#x20AC;s $64

4. Leopard print toilet paper $98

2. Fred Perry string bikini $355

5. Louis Vuitton dog booties $634

3. Blinged out Chanel garage door opener $1,120

6. Siberian Tiger tooth keychain $850

7. Swiss Knife with only the necessary tools: scissors and emery boards $86 8. MP3 player ring $320 9. Kim K perfume $34.99

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12 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 22 december 2011

Faking Orgasms Is it worth it? A man’s perspective BY COOPER HENCKEL

Faking an orgasm. It’s a chore. Not only do you have to sit through half an hour of awkward foreplay, but now he’s been on top of you for what? Twenty minutes? All you want to do is go to sleep or head home, but he thinks he’s Adonis. A part of you wants to fake an orgasm and just get this over. A few “OH GOD!” and “UH UH UH!”’s and you’re out of this mess. But a darker part of your soul says no. Make him feel weak and pathetic. Make all his eﬀorts go to vain and break this divine man down into nothing more than the awkwardly moving worm he is.

Ladies, let’s be real – you’ve all been in this position before. For the sake of men everywhere, I hope you chose the former because if you didn’t, you’re a terrible person. Men are fragile creatures who need constant aﬃrmation that we’re doing well. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing; we want to know that we’re doing it well! Whether it’s fixing your computer or picking you up from that frat party your friend SWORE would be fun, we want positive responses! Especially if it’s from someone we’re hoping to woo. Once we’ve finally wooed you and we’re making the beast with two backs, we not only want to want to know we’re doing well, but we need constant and unending confirmation that we’re doing exactly what you want. By nature of our culture, men lack confidence during sex. We’re raised to think that our penises are too small, our game isn’t great, and our swag could use an upgrade. We’re constantly attacked by the media with phallic symbols meant to weaken our own self-confidence. Everywhere a man turns he’s made to feel inferior and treated like a sexual object. Don’t do that to us. Obviously if you’re in bed with him, you care for him at some level. Whether it’s a legitimate attraction

and deep emotional connection or he just bought you lunch, you care enough about him to lie there. Let him think of himself as a sexual master of the world and finally be that image the media forces down his throat every day. Don’t shatter his fragile world! I know it’s a burden to pretend you’re really getting oﬀ, but think of it as a training exercise for him! Every time he does something relatively well, give him a little moan. He’ll think he’s doing great and you’ll be conditioning him on how to better perform! It’s a win-win situation! In no time, he’ll be more confident and you’ll have a more talented lover! But ladies, remember – your sounds mean something to us. If you actually orgasm and your orgasm is less played up then your faked one, you can be sure that your lover’s entire confidence in his sexual ability (and your potential to have another orgasm with him) just died. Faking an orgasm is an important part of being a woman and while it might feel like you’re lying, you’re not! You’re helping to support your lover and training him to become a much better and more successful partner. Trust me when I say this, ladies – faking an orgasm is the only way to have a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Politics is Going to the Dogs BY ALYSSA BLUHM

On a cold November morning, Max Bones stands patiently outside the capital building in Madison, Wisconsin, holding sign that bears the words “Bones for Governor.” This has been his ritual for the past month in an attempt to fill the shoes of current Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, and as a result Bones’ support has grown surprisingly fast. Already almost 9,000 people have signed pledges to vote for him if Walker is successfully recalled. None of this sounds particularly strange on paper, but Bones’ eﬀorts have caused many an eyebrow to be raised in the process. The reason for this is, of course, that Bones is a dog. And not in the sense of a womanizer, either. Bones is part of an uprising political party, which brings a whole new meaning to the label, D-WI. In fact, the Dog Party is bringing a new meaning to the world of politics altogether, and it’s for more than just canines. The Dog Party operates on the idea that political process should focus more on compromise and less on conflict, a concept that is relatively new to government aﬀairs. “I guess you could say that it’s more of a liberal party, but they don’t label themselves that way. [The Dog Party] loves everyone, they only aim to please,” says Dennis Bones, Max’s owner. Lady Thompson is another member of the Dog Party who has been making waves in the Twin Cities area as of late. Dog Party policy, according to Thompson’s owner, Robin, isn’t complicated at all. “It works like this: If you don’t support abortion, you don’t have to get one. If you don’t support gay marriage, you never have to marry someone the same sex as you.” She further explains, “It only works if you stop worry-

ing about what other people are doing with their lives, things that aren’t your business. Everyone wins.” Lady Thompson lost by a narrow margin to Michelle Bachmann in last year’s election due to a last-minute surge in Republican votes. These fresh faces on the political battlefield could not have come at a better time. Recent political turmoil has left our government’s state of affairs at a standstill, and who better to fix it than an unbiased third party? Although no household pets have yet been elected to office, this possible feat would accelerate America’s social progress to futuristic levels of accomplishment. Pets are, after all, one of the most unrecognized groups of oppressed citizens in this country. As Bones waits for Walker’s recall to be officially announced, his campaigning extends beyond standing in front of the capital. The website icanhascheezburger.com has been particularly useful with gathering support for both Bones and the Dog Party as a whole, claims Dennis. Whether or not Bones will be elected is still questionable, but given the growing support for the Dog party, one thing is for sure: man’s best friend is about to become the people’s best politician. Note: Both dogs mentioned in this article declined to comment, though Max Bones did respond to the question “How do you feel about Scott Walker’s actions in office?” by licking his behind.

KEIT OSADCHUK

www.wakemag.org

Eight Legged Monsters

Ending Their Reign of Terror For Good! BY KELSEY SCHWARTZ

“I knew that I would have to risk it, for the sake of cleanliness.”

The only thing scarier for a woman than a broken nail is a spider. Spiders have been haunting women for millenniums, causing unnecessary worry wrinkles to appear on their foreheads and stress that leaves dark circles under their eyes. Most women run screaming from the room when they come face to eight eyes with a spider, but they will no longer! We recently sat down with spider killing expert Doctor Danny Longleg to talk about what women normally do in diﬀerent situations when encountering a spider and how to not only overcome their gut wrenching fear, but actually be able to kill them. “A women faces the day to day stress of potentially coming in contact with a spider. It is about time that we try and ease that stress,” Longleg stated. Acording to Dr. Longleg, there are three main areas in which a women comes into contact with a spider: when the spider is on the wall/ceiling of the room that they are in, when the spider is climbing on them, or when it is in the shower with her. “When they experience the spider in the shower, that is the worst. They are in a slippery situation, with the potential for physical and mental damage. Their next move should be chosen very carefully,” Longleg informed us.

“When they experience the spider in the shower, that is the worst. They are in a slippery situation, with the potential for physical and mental damage. Their next move should be chosen very carefully.” Charlotte Web, a long time reader, recollected her story of encountering a spider in her shower, “I am usually very careful when it comes to spiders. I always give the shower a once over before I enter, but on this particular day I was in a hurry and didn’t check. It was the worst mistake of my life.” She got into the shower and was rinsing her hair when she saw it: a huge, tennis ball sized, eight legged monster clinging to the ceiling on the other side of the shower. “I stayed motionless, hoping that it hadn’t noticed me. Thoughts of it falling onto me and tearing me into shreds saturated my mind,” Charlotte stated. She knew that she shouldn’t take her eyes oﬀ of it, even for a nano second because thats all it took. In that amount of time, it could be on top of her feeding on her blood! She soon realized that her shampoo and conditioner were on the other side of the shower, directly under the spider. “My heart was beat-

12 – 22 december 2011

CHUEMENGKA YANG

ing so fast that I thought it would burst from my chest! I knew that I would have to risk it, for the sake of cleanliness. I slid over to the the other side of the shower, grabbed my shampoo and conditioner and ran back to the other side. I looked back at where it had been on the ceiling and saw that it wasn’t there anymore.” While on the other side of the shower the spider had crawled down the wall. “I looked to the right and saw eight eyes staring back at me.” Dropping everything she ran out of the shower, not thinking to pull back the curtain. She became entangled in it and fell out onto the bathroom floor, smashing her head on the tile. “I blacked out, I don’t remember anything from the time I saw the spider till my husband found me an hour later. I remember telling him that my vision was dull and fuzzy. He took me to the hospital to see if I had a concussion, they said I had hit my head in just the right spot, disrupting the part of my brain that controls vision, and since that day I have been color blind. I look back on it and think, if only I had known how to kill the spider, then I wouldn’t have to live with this handicap.” “I hear stories similar to Charlottes everyday!” claims Doctor Longleg, “Everyday women who are terrified when faced with a spider flee and just end up hurting themselves in horrible ways! It’s sad really, but thankfully I have come up with a few steps to help ease the terror enough so that they can

kill the spider, therefore protecting themselves from further harm.” There are five steps in all, and they are very simple. The first step is to take a deep breath; spiders can sense fear, just like dogs and bears. This leads into the second step: do not scream! If you do, you can shock the spider and it will either let go of the wall or crawl crazily away. In step three you need to locate something to kill the spider with. Use your peripheral vision to locate one of four house hold items ideally constructed for spider killling: six or seven Kleenex’s, a shoe, a remote, or a magazine. “These are the best spider killing objects,” Doctor Longleg stated, “They give precision, allow for a strong blow and make sure you don’t feel a thing!” The fourth step is to position yourself directly in front of the spider and stand with your feet shoulder length apart. The fifth and final step is to hit the spider with your object as hard as you can! Repeat step five multiple times until the spider had stopped moving. “Women always ask me how they should pick up the spider after its dead. I always have to remind them that I am a spider killing expert, not a dead spider picking up expert,” Doctor Longleg told us. Doctor Longleg also shared with us his new “Fear of Spiders: Phobia Treatment” App. It is only $2.99 for any smart phone or wifi accessible device. “The App shows you pictures of diﬀerent kinds of spiders, which gets you acclimated to seeing spiders, therefore you won’t be afraid anymore! I should know, I bought the App two weeks ago and today I bought a pet tarantula! I am cured!” stated Sydney Widow, a former arachnophobic. Spiders will no longer spin webs of terror in women’s minds now that they are equipped with Dr. Longleg’s five steps to killing a spider. This guarantees that you will never be scared of those eight legged monsters ever again! So keep your guard up and your eyes open and you’ll never have to experince the emotional and physical toll like Charlotte Web.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Voted “Least Scary Lesbian” by the GOP five years in a row, Ellen knows what it takes to stay looking fresh and youthful. Without her line-free appearance, she would never have had the chance to make it so far in mainstream television. If you want a shot at not making conservatives feel uncomfortable, then you need Ellen’s Line Removing Face Toner/Moisturizer Combo. AVAILABLE AT ALL MID-LEVEL DRUGSTORE CHAINS

Hey dollz!! Kim K here! Bible, you guys, I am sooooooooo excited to be editing my first ever issue of The Wake! I’d never heard of it before, but one day when I was in Montana or wherever visiting Kris Humphries to convince him to just let me keep the ring because it’s not like someone else was going to marry his Bigfoot-ass any time soon, I accidentally got stuck in this really creepy place called Hard Times Café where all the customers looked like that homeless man Shorty that me and my sisters cleaned up in season one of my show. I had to find something to distract myself from how gross everything was so I picked up the first magazine I could find. It just so happened that there was an article about me in it! Seriously, you guys, they did such a good job explaining my divorce from Kris that I just felt like these guys at The Wake really get it. So I called my personal assistant in L.A. and told her to call the editor and see if we could set something up. Luckily, they were desperate for anyone to do something so that they could spend their time studying for finals instead, and I love helping the less fortunate, so I stayed in Montenegro for three extra weeks and helped them put together this issue. Bible, I am so excited to hear what my fans think! I picked out these women of the year, Ke$ha and J.Lo because I admire both of them so much. I’ve modeled my career on Ke$ha; even though she isn’t very talented, she’s still super famous, just like me! And J.Lo is my relationship guru; she shows the world that divorce is still cool. I hope you guys love their interviews just as much as I did!

*mwaaaaaaaah*

Pro-snowboarder Evening Starr Pineforest knows how hard it can be to be a woman and an extreme sports enthusiast. Normal tampons don’t have the full coverage of TAMPAXTREME and they don’t come in EXTREME colors like neon green, jet black, and magenta to mask that gross period red. Don’t let your period keep you from living out your dreams!

Kim Kardashian Guest Editor

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THE WAKE s t n e s e r p e u Iss o r r a z i B e Th

FAKING ORGASMS

DOG POLITICS

KIM KARDASHIAN, KE$HA & JENNIFER LOPEZ TELL ALL IN OUR EXCLUSIVE, SCANDALOUS INTERVIEW Killing Spiders

‘11 Gift Guide

Kim K. Interview & More! 12 - 22 december 2011