Peal 2021

Bootstraps Jess Willliams I am Jerry Fallwell (no relation, but I used to watch him on television with my Daddy.) and I love America. I love Jesus. I love John Wayne. I love inviting my sister Denise and her kids over to watch the Charlie Brown Christmas Special and The Great Pumpkin on Halloween. I own a house, a small western ranch style home with a recent bathroom remodel. I have a 30 year fixed rate mortgage (never missed a payment!) and I have a timeshare in Aspen (four weeks out of the year: (The Premium package)). I now have satellite television, which contrary to popular belief no longer goes out in a thunderstorm, but it has been out for the last week or so, and it’s been impossible to get a repairman out here. I have a Dodge Durango that has never missed an oil change from new (235,000 miles) Bright Red with gold flake strips down both sides.

The Durango, I call her Dorinda, was originally a 10 year anniversary for my ex-wife.

She hated it. I can still hear her voice shriek, “I wanted a PT Cruiser, you dumbfuck!”

Luckily, I got it back in the divorce. Go me! Before things started to get a little spooky around here I used to take my Dorinda to the local park on Saturdays so I could suck cocks in the restrooms, just to feel needed.

The alarm is chirping again and I force my leg out from underneath the comforter. I stay like that for another thirty seconds before finally flinging the rest of myself into a sitting position. I prop myself up and stumble into the bathroom. It hurts to piss for the third time this year. I grunt and plead with my urethra as if it was listening. I forgot to put a new coffee filter in again so there is just six cups worth of opaque brown water waiting for me. I sigh and grab the last sugar-free red bull from the fridge and stare out the window over the flat yellow ground.

Around eight years ago I placed 4th at the Cass County BBQ festival. My Daddy taught me the key to good brisket is keeping it moist. Daddy would say that every thirty minutes you need to spray it down with apple juice so it keeps moist and sweet. He would spray the apple juice on his finger and tickle his way inside my mouth and I would laugh. Suck it, Jerry.

My Daddy was a character.

I think I’m gonna hop in the car and go to the Family Fare and try to get some brisket to cook for tonight. I can invite Ricky or Bobby or Linda or Ray or Phil or Gary or Marliene, or I can just cook it for myself and have leftovers all week. The car is 49