The Child Advocate - December 2009

Child Advocate

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December 2009 Issue 4, Volume 18

Self Esteem

Expand Your Child’s Creativity Through Holiday Gift Giving

Contents 8

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WSPTA FOCUS DAY in Olympia Be involved, the world is run by those who show up.

And that means all of us!

SAVE THE DATE! January 18, 2010 Look for additional information on the WSPTA website: www.wastatepta.org.

For questions, contact the WSPTA office at (253) 565-2153 or 1-800-562-3804

The

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5 Self Esteem: What Parents Need to Know

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Encouraging Your Kids

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Teaching Empathy

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Coping with Insecurities

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Helping Kids Build Lasting Friendships

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Battling Negative Body Images

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The Child Advocate is published online every month from September through May by the Washington State PTA, 2003 65th Avenue West, Tacoma, WA 98466-6215, (253) 565-2153.

Contributors are welcome. Call the State PTA office for guidelines. Whenever PTA is used it also refers to PTSA. PTA is a registered trademark of the National Congress of Parents and Teachers.

Scott Allen, Washington State PTA President Bill Williams, Washington State PTA Executive Director Karen Fisker-Andersen, Editor

Child Advocate

a Washington State PTA parent involvement publication

Washington State PTA 2003 65th Avenue West Tacoma, WA 98466-6215

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WSPTA Vision, Mission and Goals

hile some children are naturally more creative than others, all children have the ability, with a little practice, to learn to think creatively. Following are some gift ideas to help encourage your children’s creativity: n Select toys for your younger children that encourage imaginative play, such as dress-up clothes, building blocks or Play Doh. n Select magazine subscriptions for older children that explore current events. Encourage older children to consider possible solutions to social problems. Discuss the pros and cons of different solutions. n Provide tools and enrichment opportunities for children to develop their creative talents, such as art supplies, musical instruments, and classes to learn various creative skills. n Give tickets for visiting art museums, music concerts, and theatrical plays. n

VISION:

“Making every child’s potential a reality.”

MISSION:

PTA is: n A powerful voice for all children, n A relevant resource for families and communities, and n A strong advocate for the education and well-being of every child.

The Washington State PTA accomplishes the mission of PTA by n Speaking on behalf of children and youth in the schools, in the community, and before governmental bodies and other organizations that make decisions affecting children; n Supporting parents* in developing skills to raise, protect and advocate for their children; and n Encouraging parent* and community involvement.

* Parent may include adults who play an important role in a child’s family life since other adults (grandparents, aunts, uncles, or guardians) may carry the primary responsibility for a child’s health, welfare, education and safety.

Phone: (253) 565-2153 or 1-800-562-3804 Fax: (253) 565-7753

Website: www.wastatepta.org Email: wapta@wastatepta.org

Self Esteem

What Parents Need to Know...

A child with good self-esteem feels capable, in control of his life, and knows that he is worthwhile. He understands that he is loved for who he is and isn’t afraid to try new things. Self-esteem has nothing to do with the amount of money a family has, how much popularity an individual has achieved, or any natural abilities or physical attributes an individual possesses.

A child with good self-esteem is an individual who has had opportunities to overcome obstacles and learn responsibility. She isn’t afraid to admit when she’s done something wrong and doesn’t pass the blame to someone else, instead she recognizes her part and accepts it for what it is. She is able to discern between choices—weighing the positive and negative aspects of each option—and make good decisions.

The Child Advocate, December 2009

A child with good self-esteem knows that he wants to do something with his life and tries to figure this out and how he might get there.

Self-esteem is gained by experiencing success through self-achievement and viewing themselves in a generally positive light. Although parents cannot give their children a dose of self-esteem, there are some habits that parents can teach that will help their children to think more positively about themselves: •

Provide honest praise. Praise your children for hard work, following through with a difficult task, or taking time to practice without being asked. Show pride in their ability to complete difficult tasks, and when they have acted selflessly by putting another person’s needs before their own. Avoid praising kids for talents they have or

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time with each child in your family so they know that they are a valuable part of the family.

for things they really aren’t good at or didn’t earn.

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Give plenty of love. Children need hugs, kisses, pats on the back, and to hear their parents say that they love them.

Parents need to provide a safe home environment for their children and to supply them with basic necessities.

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Give them privacy.

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Teach them life skills. Learning how to cook, manage money, do laundry are all beneficial skills that lead to self-sufficiency.

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Be thankful.

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Provide opportunities for growth. Avoid the temptation of solving their problems for them or giving them their every desire.

Teach them how to make good decisions, and help them to learn how to save their money to buy what they want.

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Accept them for who they are. Kids can’t be expected to be good at everything, and they need to know that their parents will love them even when they aren’t the best.

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Spend time with them.

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Provide clear and consistent rules in your home.

Protect and provide for them.

Get involved. Parents can help their children build friendships by having their friends over to play; stay informed on what they are doing at school and getting to know their children’s teachers; and helping their kids find hobbies, sports or other activities that interest them.

Ask your children what they think about current events, where the family will go on vacation, what color to paint the living room. Ask them to teach you how to do something that you don’t know how to do on your cell phone or computer.

Ask for advice.

Be a good listener. Give your children your time and attention when they want to talk to you about something. Don’t look at your watch or interrupt them to give them a solution, just listen carefully and pay attention to what they are saying. If they ask for advice, then offer it, otherwise just listen and try to understand without dismissing their concerns as trivial.

Let them know that they are important.

Spend one-on-one

Even when kids share a room, parents can find some space that kids can call their own to get away to when they want to be by themselves.

Teach your children to appreciate what they have.

Play board games, attend their concerts and sporting events, bake cookies, watch a movie or TV show together. Simply enjoy your time together.

Children need to know appropriate boundaries for their behavior. Have high expectations for them to treat people and property with respect. n

Encouraging Your Kids E ncouragement takes many forms and is communicated by both verbal and non-verbal means.

Tips for providing verbal encouragement

• Praise is most effective when it is honest, specific and earned. When parents praise their children, it’s best when they are focused on a specific behavior, rather than outcome. “I am so proud of you when you work so hard on your studying,” rather than, “I’m proud of you for your good grades.” Praise can be given for making good decisions, coming up with creative ideas, being helpful or understanding, showing empathy, being generous with time and resources, and so on.

• Always focus on positive aspects, rather than pointing out what they did wrong.

• Don’t overpraise your children. This will lower the value of your positive encouragement. You can never tell your children “I love you” enough, but when it comes to praise, it is so much more motivating when it is well deserved. Take special care to look for ways your children are doing good things.

Other forms of encouragement:

• Write a note or a poem to your child that focuses on good characteristics they show.

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• Post a child’s work on the refrigerator or frame it to display on your desk or dresser.

• Take interest in learning about what they like to do. Provide resources to help them further their interests.

• Ask your children questions that reflect your desire to know them and understand them better.

• Laugh with them when they share something funny.

• Smiles, hugs and pats on the back are effective forms of encouragement as well. n

a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine

Teaching Empathy People who spend time bragging or bullying others typically have low self-esteem. Individuals with high self-esteem often have the ability to empathize with others. They understand another’s hurt feelings and are able to comfort another person in their sadness and disappointment.

Their success in helping others actually strengthens their belief that they are valuable and capable individuals and gives them direction and purpose.

Encourage Empathy By: • Be empathetic toward your kids. Show your children that you care about them.

• Treat your children with respect. Avoid yelling at them. Wait until you are calm to talk to them about problems. When your kids know they have done something wrong at school and are already

The Child Advocate, December 2009

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facing consequences as a result, remind them that you love them even though they made a mistake.

Think before you speak. Don’t say things to them that you wouldn’t say to your closest friend. If a comment isn’t kind enough to say to your friend, it shouldn’t be said to your child.

Talk to your children about your feelings. Tell them when you are feeling sad, angry, depressed, disappointed, annoyed. Allow them to have those feelings as well.

Don’t avoid people who are needy. Take a meal to a family who recently lost a loved one, do something special for a parent who recently got divorced, volunteer for a food bank. Children who participate in these kinds of service projects are less selfish and more likely to consider the needs of others in their everyday lives.

Admit when you have made a mistake. Apologize to your child, your spouse or whoever you have affected by your mistake.

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Decide how you will act differently next time.

Take setbacks in stride. Don’t wallow in grief or disappointment, learn what you can from the experience and move on.

• Laugh at yourself sometimes. Try not to take things too seriously. Find humor in different situations.

• Talk to children about how to treat one another. Discuss how certain things might be offensive to some people. Talk to them about what kinds of words/actions might be hurtful to others. Read books and watch movies together with your children and talk about how the characters act and how their actions are interpreted by other characters.

• Teach your children how to be responsible for their actions. Explain that you expect them to stand up for what is right, even if it isn’t popular.

• Give your children opportunities to be responsible, such as

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washing dishes, getting their room clean, packing their lunches, figuring what needs to be done to get the house clean so they can have a friend over, and being responsible for homework. Kids need to learn that things don’t get done on their own without effort. By learning how to do these things themselves, they appreciate it more when someone does it for them.

• Resist the temptation to “fix” your children’s problems. If they are struggling with a decision, then together talk about different solutions and what the consequences might be, but let your children ultimately decide what to do.

• Be optimistic. When your children are feeling down, encourage them to think about how they might benefit from the situation, even if it’s just to have experience in learning a lifelong lesson. n

Coping With Insecurities M any children are clingy when they younger.

This is a normal phase of childhood for many children. Parents should be patient and loving in this phase. However, parents also need to gently encourage kids to learn how to be secure on their own. A first day of school or with a sitter can be trying for both parent and child alike. For these new situations, try to get up a little earlier than you would normally need to so you can have a relaxing, unrushed morning with your children. Feel good about your morning when you take them to school.

It is helpful for parents to role play with the children ahead of time about how their day might go to help them prepare for their day without you.

Never sneak out the door, instead always give your children a hug and tell them you will see them in a little while.

When you pick them up after school, talk about their day. Ask them what they did, who they played with, what they had for snack, or anything else they might want to share with you.

Helping Older Children Older children may experience insecurity about their looks, their abilities, or how they fit in with their peers. Help your children deal with their insecurities by allowing them to talk about it. Don’t cut them off or treat their problems as if they are insignificant. Instead, calmly let them discuss this issue. Talk to your children about their strengths and their weaknesses. Reassure them that everyone has weaknesses.

Together talk about what kinds of things might help them feel more

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secure in the things they struggle with. Give your children your time and resources to help them work through these issues in a positive way, with a parent’s loving guidance. Without these discussions your children may be tempted to engage in risky behaviors to fit in with their peers.

Talk to your children about your beliefs and why you feel the way you do. Encourage discussion, even if they have different views than yours. Your children need to have experience in figuring out what they believe. By listening calmly and encouraging their thoughtfulness on tough subjects, your children will consider the issues before being faced with them. By allowing your children a chance to discuss issues, you also encourage them to come to you when topics come up that they find confusing. Be sure to show respect for your children’s ideas, and allow them to talk without fear of punishment. n

a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine

Helping Kids Build Lasting Friendships A ll children have a desire to fit in with their peers, to belong to a group, and to be loved and cared for. Kids who develop healthy friendships can lean on each other, without losing the sense of themselves. They can cheer each other on and stand up for each other when others are not treating them right.

Following are tips for parents on helping kids build healthy friendships.

Developing Friendships • Encourage playdates at your home.

Get to know the parents of your children’s friends by inviting them over for dinner or for coffee.

• Talk to your child’s teacher if your child is having difficulty establishing friends at school. The teacher may be able to partner your child with a child of similar temperament or interests for a field trip or on a group project.

• Talk to your children about how to treat their friends. For example, a good friend is respectful of another person’s private conversations and doesn’t share that information with others.

• Explain to your children what they should look for in a friend, such as similar interests, authenticity and trustworthiness.

Friends don’t need to have everything in common, but generally enjoy some of the same things, as well as having similar values. Kids should be cautious of the children who seem to be seeking popularity or seem to treat others with disrespect. These kids will often leave a friend when they have found someone higher up on the social ladder.

Friends should mutually enjoy each others’ company. One partner in the friendship is generally not intensely reliant on the other person.

In addition, if your child experiences bullying, is continually left out, or is verbally attacked by friends, help your child understand that these friends are not authentic or trustworthy and try to help them find new friends.

• Help your children know how to recognize and apologize when they’ve made a mistake. Learning to apologize is a critical skill for children to learn. When your child makes a mistake and needs to apologize, encourage him to think about what the other person may be feeling and understand the pain he has caused. After reflecting on this, apologize and ask the other person for forgiveness. Finally, your child needs to learn from this mistake and make a change to his behavior so this offense is not repeated.

• Teach kids to communicate effectively. Encourage them to ask themselves: Does this sound like it could be interpreted as brag-

The Child Advocate, December 2009

ging, being a know-it-all, or highly critical?

Empathize. Listen and try to understand what the other person is saying and try to put yourself in her shoes. Teach your kids to treat other people the way they would want to be treated.

• Watch your body language. Teach kids that if their mouths are saying one thing, but their tone of voice, the expression on their faces, and their general demeanor are giving different messages, the individuals they are having conversations with will not find their words believable or honest.

• Pay attention. There are distractions all around us, but to communicate effectively, kids need to learn how to tune out the distractions and maintain eye contact with the individual they are having a conversation with. Kids need to know that looking at their watch or reading texts while someone is talking to them is disrespectful.

• Be sensitive. If your child finds himself in a place where he needs to offer his friend some constructive advice, remind your child to avoid being insensitive. Remind her to consider how her words will make the other person feel. Have your child practice giving constructive criticism using the “sandwich” technique—say something positive first about the person, then say the criticism, and end with a positive comment about the individual.

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Problem Solving with Friends Help your children understand that there will be times they won’t agree with their friends or won’t get along for some reason. This is more likely

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to happen when people are stressed out and tired, but it is perfectly normal. When this happens, kids might need to be reminded to be careful with their words. If necessary, they might need to take some time to calm down, then talk about the misunderstanding. Encourage them to listen to what their friend has to say. Finally, help your children understand that no one is perfect. Sometimes we simply need to look past our friend’s imperfections, and remember what we enjoy about each other.

why he feels that way. Help kids frame their statements using the word, “I” rather than “you.” This is important since “you” statements often come across as accusatory. It is especially important for your children to remain calm and focus on listening to the other person, without interrupting, during this process.

When your children get in disagreements, take some time to teach them the communication skills they need to solve these conflicts on their own.

These lessons learned in resolving conflicts with siblings will be transferrable for helping them solve conflicts with friends.

First they need to understand each other— how the other one feels and

Remind them to focus only on the conflict at hand, without bringing up past grievances. All communication should be free of name calling or shouting. Once both parties have a chance to express their feelings, try to come to some common ground. From this point, you can help them look at different solutions or compromises and their pros and cons. Solutions need to be achievable within the time and resources available. n

Battling Negative Body Images

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he images of fashion models our young people see in magazines shows bodies that aren’t necessarily healthy and are sometimes even unnatural. A young person who may be sensitive of her weight may be discouraged that her body doesn’t measure up to these unrealistic images. Take time to point out to your children how fashion magazines use techniques to edit photos to remove blemishes and alter appearances.

Take the emphasis off body images in your home by encouraging your child’s interests and talents in sports, arts, and music. Help your child to find his passion and his unique abilities and interests.

Help your young person remember that an individual isn’t defined by her outer appearance, but more importantly her inner qualities, such as her emotional, intellectual, spiritual character. Help your child find role models who have inner qualities worth striving for. Tell your child what qualities you value about her.

Don’t emphasize weight or make comments about body shapes. Accept your child for who he is. Encourage healthy eating and exercise in your home, but not to an extreme.

Show faith in your child’s abilities to overcome obstacles and disappointments. Help her believe that she can do anything she puts her mind to. Give her the tools she needs and plenty of encouragement.

Help your child with his appearance by making sure he has clean clothes, accessable deodorant and other grooming supplies, and is encouraged in good grooming habits.

Don’t get caught up in battling your own body image. Be a good role model for your child. n

Save the Date: April 30-May 2, 2010

WSPTA Convention

Doubletree Hotel, SeaTac Join us for leadership training and to build your local unit leadership team for the upcoming year!

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a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine