The Child Advocate - Feburary 2010

Child Advocate

e h T

February 2010 Issue 6, Volume 18

Love Your Kids...

Unconditionally

Contents 5

Focus Day: A Huge Success!

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M

ore than 1,000 members and their children attended WSPTA’s Annual Focus Day in Olympia on Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

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Not only did Focus Day provide an opportunity for the WSPTA to get our message heard by our legislators, but because it was organized on a school holiday, it also provided an opportunity for the children of the PTA members who attended to see the Capitol and learn about state government. Additionally, the presence of children made for a very powerful message to the Legislature about the importance of maintaining a quality education system. Many fun activities were planned for the children as well.

Thank you to Focus Day co-chairs, Stacey Riley and John Stokes, and to the many volunteers and staff who worked to make this event such a huge success. n

Building an Authentic & Loving Family

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Love, Live, Laugh...

Getting to the Heart of Your Child

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Communicating With Respect

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How to Show Your Love

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Raising Kids to Meet Life’s Challenges

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Teaching Kids to Be Content

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The Child Advocate is published online every month from September through May by the Washington State PTA, 2003 65th Avenue West, Tacoma, WA 984666215, (253) 565-2153. Contributors are welcome. Call the State PTA office for guidelines. Whenever PTA is used it also refers to PTSA. PTA is a registered trademark of the National Congress of Parents and Teachers.

The

Child Advocate

a Washington State PTA parent involvement publication

Washington State PTA 2003 65th Avenue West

Phone: (253) 565-2153 or 1-800-562-3804

Tacoma, WA 98466-6215

Fax: (253) 565-7753

Website: www.wastatepta.org Email: wapta@wastatepta.org

WSPTA Vision, Mission and Goals

Scott Allen, Washington State PTA President Bill Williams, Washington State PTA Executive Director Karen Fisker-Andersen, Editor VISION:

“Making every child’s potential a reality.”

MISSION:

PTA is: n A powerful voice for all children, n A relevant resource for families and communities, and n A strong advocate for the education and well-being of every child.

The Washington State PTA accomplishes the mission of PTA by n Speaking on behalf of children and youth in the schools, in the community, and before governmental bodies and other organizations that make decisions affecting children; n Supporting parents* in developing skills to raise, protect and advocate for their children; and n Encouraging parent* and community involvement.

* Parent may include adults who play an important role in a child’s family life since other adults (grandparents, aunts, uncles, or guardians) may carry the primary responsibility for a child’s health, welfare, education and safety.

Building An Authentic & Loving Family K ids today sometimes don’t feel a deep sense of connection with their family and with their peers. This is partly due to our busy lifestyles and the emergence of technology that has reduced face-to-face contact. As a result, many kids don’t feel loved. Although most parents dearly love their kids, this message sometimes isn’t effectively communicated in the midst of our active lifestyles.

Our children suffer when they don’t feel a sense of family or community.

Not only do they feel lost and that their lives are without meaning, they are more likely to be aggressive to their peers, anxious, impatient and uncertain about their self-worth. In constast, kids who feel loved are more secure in their friendships, focus better in school, are more confident in their abilities, and are more in tune with what they believe.

The Child Advocate, February 2010

What Parents Can Do Avoid Burnout. Take care of yourself. Limit the amount of time you work and the amount of time your family engages in scheduled activities, so you have energy to devote time to your kids.

Take time to stop and listen. While it is important to be involved in your child’s education and extracurricular activities, your involvement should also include sharing some downtime with your kids. Resist the notion that we need to be entertained or doing something all the time.

Take time to talk to your kids about their friends, problems at school, difficulties they may be facing, and their opinions and values. It’s not enough just to assume that kids already know that they are important in your life, show them by giving them your time.

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Don’t pretend you’re perfect. When you’ve made a mistake or haven’t been around enough, apologize and let them know that you made a mistake. Make your relationships right with your children.

It’s okay to let your children see your authentic emotions. By showing your children that you are sensitive and feel vulnerable at times makes them feel open to express their emotions to you.

Help your children express their emotions.

Be available and involved both mentally and physically. Play with your kids, watch a movie together, read a book together, help your children with homework, attend their field trips and extracurricular activities. However don’t force your availability on your kids. If your child wants to go to her friend’s birthday party instead of spending free time with you, let her do that instead.

Praise your children for their hard work. Help them identify and achieve their goals, but make sure they know that your love isn’t conditional on their successful achievements.

Maintain a positive attitude towards your kids.

Show your children that you love them in many ways.

Don’t assume that your children know you love them because you provide for them. Tell them that you love them often. Do loving things for them.

Use appropriate physical gestures, such as hugs or gentle touches, to reassure them of your love.

All kids need to know that their parents care enough about them to set limits. Provide logical consequences for when those boundaries are not respected. Don’t give in to whining and complaining. Instead, in a loving and caring way, explain that your family rules are in place because you love them deeply.

Provide consistent boundaries for your kids.

Provide opportunities for your children to grow and become self-reliant. Take time to teach them the life skills that they will need

to succeed in this world. n

Live, Love, Laugh...

Getting to the Heart of Your Child

E veryday our kids hear about violence on the news, the difficulties of the country’s economic situation, and natural disasters that are occurring around the world. In addition many kids struggle with the divorce of parents, bullying at school, learning difficulties, test anxiety, or intense peer pressure. These experiences can weigh heavily on a child’s heart. Parents can help by: Live

Make sure both you and your child get enough sleep, along with nutritious food and regular exercise. Healthy bodies are able to meet the challenges that face us better. In addition, well-rested minds are more able to view problems in a positive light. Optimism is a way of life that can be learned and it can help us all cope with disappointments or setbacks.

Love

Kids who have parents who don’t brush off their anxiety, but instead listen patiently and lovingly, are better able to cope with their stresses that come with growing up today. In addition to feeling loved, what kids want most is to have meaning in their lives. Provide your children with experiences that help them define a purpose for their lives.

Laugh

Laughter is a gift to the human spirit. A hearty laugh can make us feel better when we are sad or depressed. As a family, make sure you are enjoying some light moments every day. Enjoy a funny TV program together, take an opportunity to laugh at yourself sometimes, have an occasional tickle war with your kids, play dress up or wii games with your kids, plan a fun family adventure, or just be silly sometimes. n

Save the Date: April 30-May 2, 2010

WSPTA Convention

Doubletree Hotel, SeaTac Join us for leadership training and to build your local unit leadership team for the upcoming year!

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a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine

Communicating With Respect

C hildren want to be heard and understood. With cell phones, email,

television and radio all competing for their parents’ attention, kids today sometimes feel they can’t be heard through the noise.

Make Time to Communicate

Schedule one-on-one time each week specifically dedicated to connecting with your kids. Of course, be available at other times as well. Kids often don’t come to you at a convenient time, but figure out a way to make time for them.

Use teachable moments to talk to your children about your experiences and your values. Conversations may start around current events, TV shows or movies, hobbies or interests, or sharing family traditions or your own childhood experiences. You can also share something about your day with your children. Tell them about some frustrations you’ve experienced or some difficult people you’ve encountered.

Enjoy each other. Do an activity your child enjoys, such as going to a sporting event, playing at the park, walking the dog, or shopping at the mall. Turn off the radio, and spend time in conversation while commuting to practices, running errands, or on a long trip in the car. If you have some spare time on a busy day, get some ice cream or coffee together and enjoy some downtime between activities.

Be interested in your child’s life. Try using some conversation starters such as, “I hope everything is going okay with your friends” or “I’m curious about what you’re doing at school.” Allow your child to talk and ramble about her interests. Avoid lecturing or correcting your child when she is opening up to you.

If you find that you are too tired or stressed out to spend time talking with your children, consider cutting back on activities so you have more energy for these important moments.

Learn to Listen

Encourage your child to share his opinions. Engage in serious discussions with him. Show your interest and understanding through your verbal and nonverbal communication. Avoid looking at your watch, answering the phone or emails, and be sure to turn off the TV or radio. Focus on your child without interruption. Maintain eye contact with your child and really try to focus on what your child is saying and how he is feeling.

The Child Advocate, February 2010

When your child wants to talk to you, she should first respect your need to finish up a conversation you are already having with someone else.

This also applies when parents want to discuss something with their children. Stand quietly at your child’s side while she finishes up a phone call or a text. If she questions why you are standing there. Explain that you want to talk about something with her, but that you will wait for her to finish up what she is doing first.

Respectful communication never includes interrupting the other person, yelling, or using insulting language. As a rule of thumb, if you wouldn’t talk that way to your dearest friend, then you shouldn’t talk that way to your child. Allow the other person to complete his story with your full attention, then rephrase what you think he said for further clarification.

Never give unsolicited advice, instead determine together with your child what possible outcomes might be and how to choose the best one.

Always thank your child for coming to you, especially if it was a difficult topic to discuss. When discussing difficult topics, parents should refrain from judging their children. Instead, remain calm and let your child finish. When children feel safe discussing difficult topics with their parents, they are more likely to come back again when they are struggling with difficult dilemmas. Remember your goal in communicating with your kids is that you want to convey your love and trust so they will come to you when they need help. n

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cate. Despite his imperfections, he needs your loving guidance, attention and care. You need to believe in him, love him and accept him as the unique individual that he is.

When our children discover that unconditional love of their parents, they are happier, more confident and resilient, and more willing to work hard.

What Parents Can Do

Be aware of how your praise is interpreted by your child. If you are only praising your child for her achievements, then she might feel that your love is conditional on her achievements. This will cause her to lose motivation and wonder if you really love her. Praise your children for hard work, for determination, being self-starters, or being resourceful or creative. These are all things that will further inspire them.

How to Show Your Love W

Tell them that you love them often and mean it. Smile at them. Give them loving pats, hugs or kisses when appropriate. These gentle touches should be natural and not manufactured. Even a tousle of hair, a high five, or a touch on the shoulder can make a child feel loved. Make eye contact with your child when you tell him you love him.

Remember that what we do counts more than what we say. Give your children your focused time and attention, even when it’s not convenient. Truly enjoy spending time together. Kids can tell when you are faking it.

ith the current economic situation, many families are going on a “spending diet.” This can be difficult on relationships, but there are many ways to show your children your love besides buying gifts, taking expensive vacations, or doing things that involve spending a lot of money.

Write a loving note and place it on your child’s pillow, in a suitcase, on the mirror, or in her lunchbox. Surprise your child with a small token of your love. This doesn’t necessarily need to be something purchased, but handmade gifts when completely unexpected, can mean the world to someone else.

Feeling loved is something every child needs. It’s not enough that parents love their children, but for kids to feel genuinely loved, they need to see it in the things that parents do and say.

Do something kind for your child, such as letting him invite a friend over, making his bed for him on occasion when he had a lot of homework to do, or renting a movie of his choice. Remind your child that you wanted to do these nice things for him because you love him so much and are glad he is a part of your family.

Unconditional Love

The kind of love that parents need to portray to their children is the kind of love that doesn’t require kids to perform, excel or behave, it’s unconditional love. This of course, does not mean that parents need to love bad behavior, but that they still love their children even when they behave badly.

When you look at your child, remember that you are his biggest advo-

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Be sincere with your child. Let her see your emotions, such as when you are sad, happy, or frustrated. Show her how you get through difficult situations with friendships. Share with her the concern you have for your friends and family. Let her see you do acts of kindness for others. You are a role model for loving relationships in your child’s life. n

a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine

Raising Kids to Meet Life’s Challenges A s loving parents we naturally want to protect our children from any harm, however our love should also prompt us to prepare our children for the difficult world that we live in. This sometimes means letting our children experience the natural consequences of their decisions, so they can learn from their mistakes before the stakes are higher and the consequences are more severe.

Kids feel more secure and have higher self-esteem when they know that they have the skills necessary to be successful in life.

Start gradually with responsibility. As children get older, gradually give them more responsibilities around the house, and provide them with an allowance or encourage them to get a part time job so they can purchase items they need such as school clothes and gifts. Show them how to vacuum, do laundry, cook and clean, so they know how to do what they are responsible for. Give them the tools they need to successfully develop a budget and manage their money.

The Child Advocate, February 2010

Establish boundaries. Provide your children with clear expectations on what their responsibilities and freedoms are and what consequences they face if they fail to meet those expectations.

Educate your children on decision making skills. Kids need to learn how to weigh their options, the possible consequences, and make choices on their own. Make sure your children know what’s right and wrong. Any decision that is harmful to another person or to themselves is a wrong choice. However, there is usually more than one way to solve a problem, so if your child has carefully weighed his options and makes a decision that is different than what you would have chosen, be supportive of his choice. If decisions your children make don’t solve the problems, encourage them to find other solutions.

Teaching kids to resolve conflicts.

Help kids put themselves in another person’s shoes and try to understand the situation from their perspective, then encourage them to come to a common ground to look at different solutions that are positive for both parties and achieveable within the timeframe and resources available.

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Help your child develop goals. By helping kids to identify possible career interests, you can show them how school can provide access to where they want to go. This helps kids stay motivated to work hard in school and stay focused on the direction of their lives.

First, have them identify career interests, then show them how to research what the post-secondary education requirements for these fields are, where the schools are located; and what high school education and activities are required for entrance into these schools. Then, help your children develop short-term goals to steer them in the right direction.

Encourage lifelong learning. Take

advantage of lifelong learning opportunities yourself. The only thing we know for certain about the workplace of tomorrow is that it will be different than today. There will be technological advances bringing new electronic devices, computer software, and new ways of doing things and communicating with each other. Show interest in learning. Ask your children to teach you something you don’t know. Look for learning opportunities for yourself at your local community center. Be a role model for your kids by being resourceful and motivated to educate yourself and to stay current on emerging technologies. n

Teaching Kids to be Content B eing content is a matter of choice.

People who are content are more thankful, usually more optimistic, more patient and willing to work hard for long-term gain. They don’t feel the need to prove themselves through material items, fame, or through awards.

They realize that long-term happiness isn’t related to money or material things and they maintain genuine and loving relationships in their lives that brings them true joy.

How can parents help their kids to choose to be more content with who they are, what they have, and to avoid the empty pitfalls of jealousy and instant gratification?

Start by accepting your kids for who they are. They may not be the smartest, the most talented or the most athletic kids on your block and that’s okay. Think about what hidden talents they possess, such as kindness, generosity, and creativity. Encourage your children in those areas.

Emphasize that you want your children to do their best in school and sports and provide them with the tools they need, but don’t expect perfection.

Remind your children that fame and beauty are fleeting. Kids need to understand that they don’t need to be famous, win trophies, or be athletic or beautiful to be happy. People who can afford to buy the latest gadgets and toys are always on the lookout for what’s next.

Their satisfaction never seems to last long. Instead, focus your attention on building happy and loving memories and relationships with your family and close friends.

Don’t use material items as a means to alleviate guilt from working too much and not spending enough time with the family. Material things never fill a person’s heart with joy for long. Avoid over-indulging your kids. Instead, provide opportunities for them to earn money and save up for that big thing they want. The fact that they worked

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and saved for the item will help them appreciate and enjoy the item for a longer period of time.

Let your children see you budgeting and saving up for things that you really want, or vacations you’d like to take. Teach your children how to shop for the sales and that everything you buy doesn’t need to come from an expensive store or need to be a designer label.

Help kids recognize and understand the marketing messages that are making them feel that they need more stuff. Explain to them that advertisers intensionally try to make people feel inadequate without their product. Encourage them to look at advertisements and commercials critically.

Finally, people who are content feel they have a purpose to their lives and that they can make a difference in the world. Provide opportunities for your children to help people less fortunate than themselves.

This experience will help them appreciate what they have and show them how they can contribute to a better world. n

a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine