The Child Advocate - January 2011

Child Advocate

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January 2011 Issue 4, Volume 19

Problem Solving at Home and School

Save the Date!

Washington State PTA Convention April 29-May 1 Seattle Airport Doubletree Hotel

Contents 5 7

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Focus Day in Olympia February 21, 2011 (President’s Day)

Getting to the Root of a Child’s

Misbehavior

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Making Changes for the New Year

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OEO: Successful in Helping Parents

Resolve Problems with Schools

6

Bullying Prevention For Special

Needs Children

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Addiction-Proof Your Kids

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The Child Advocate is published online every month from September through Join us for Focus Day as we rally on the Capitol steps and meet with legislators and staff, leave notes, receive updates from policy-makers on key issues and network with other PTA advocates.

PTA volunteer advocates can make a difference when they come to the Capitol in large numbers!

The

Child Advocate

a Washington State PTA parent involvement publication

Washington State PTA 2003 65th Avenue West Tacoma, WA 98466-6215 Website: www.wastatepta.org Email: wapta@wastatepta.org Phone: (253) 565-2153 or 1-800-562-3804 Fax: (253) 565-7753

VISION:

May by the Washington State PTA, 2003 65th Avenue West, Tacoma, WA 984666215, (253) 565-2153. Contributors are welcome. Call the State PTA office for guidelines. Whenever PTA is used it also refers to PTSA. PTA is a registered trademark of the National Congress of Parents and Teachers.

Scott Allen, Washington State PTA President Bill Williams, Washington State PTA Executive Director Karen Fisker-Andersen, Editor

“Making every child’s potential a reality.”

MISSION:

PTA is: n A powerful voice for all children, n A relevant resource for families and communities, and n A strong advocate for the education and well-being of every child.

The Washington State PTA accomplishes the mission of PTA by

• Speaking on behalf of children and youth in the schools, in the community, and before governmental bodies and other organizations that make decisions affecting children; • Supporting parents* in developing skills to raise, protect and advocate for their children; • Encouraging parent*, teacher, student and community involvement; • Promoting opportunities for positive outcomes for children; and • Being a financially stable, well-managed organization that promotes diversity, provides quality service, models best practices and values its members and employees. *Parent may include adults who play an important role in a child’s family life since other adults (grandparents, aunts, uncles, or guardians) may carry the primary responsibility for a child’s health, welfare, education and safety.

Getting to the Root of a Child’s Misbehavior S

what he heard you say back to you or write it down with bullet points or in pictures. Make sure your child knows exactly what you expect him to do and how it will look when it is complete. For example, explain how a clean room should look in detail—laundry in basket, not under the bed or on the closet; toys put on the shelves; coat hung in the closet; shoes put on the shoe rack; books put on the bookshelf; trash taken to the garbage downstairs; and so on.

ometimes understanding the reasons behind a child’s misbehavior can be tricky and uncomfortable, but it is always helpful for parents to consider these contributing factors. When parents understand the root cause of their child’s misbehavior, they can take action to reduce these risks factors. Some factors may include: •

such as learning disabilities or attention deficiencies: If your child has difficulties remembering things or is constantly in motion, make sure your child makes eye contact with you as you explain your rules and expectations. Have him repeat Underlying difficulties,

The Child Advocate, January 2011

•

Parental attention:

Sometimes a child will act out simply to gain a parent’s attention. For parents in this situation, be sure to give your child extra attention and praise when she is acting appropriately.

Don’t reward her with your attention when she misbehaves, but rather put her in a time-out so she won’t get attention. To help avoid this challenging problem, be sure to spend plenty of time playing with your children, reading to them, talking to them, and cuddling up on the sofa to watch a DVD together.

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Cultural issues:

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Some children are more naturally easy-going, while others are more difficult. However, children of every temperament can learn how to manage their anger, frustration and disappointment. Once you understand your children’s temperaments, it is easier to be patient and understanding in teaching your children to cope with their feelings. For example, if your children have a harder time adapting to new situations, explain what is going to happen ahead of time, then remind them just before the change takes place so they are not caught off guard.

Temperaments:

Some children may be accustomed to demanding their way and assuming that it is their right to own certain items.

As parents, we are partly to blame for our children’s materialistic

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If children spend a lot of time with friends who are rebellious or anti-social, your children are more at-risk of adopting these tendencies themselves. Parents should always try to get to know their children’s friends and encourage positive and healthy friendships.

Peer influences:

Children who suffer from low self-esteem often feel a sense of hopelessness in life. No matter what they do, these children sometimes feel that they won’t ever be good enough, smart enough or pretty enough. Parents can help build their children’s self esteem by telling them that they love them often. Write a little note and leave in on their pillows or in their lunch boxes. Surprise them with a fun one-on-one outing they will enjoy or find some small sentimental gift that says, “I love you” to them. Show your affection through hugs, pats on the back, or kisses on the cheek. Parents can also build their children’s self esteem by encouraging them in their unique interests. Help them develop a sense of purpose to their lives and find things that bring them joy Low Self-Esteem:

What Parents Do Makes Difference: •

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•

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discipline in order for the misbehavior to stop. They cannot let tantrums, sulking, pleading or crying deter them from enforcing the appropriate discipline for misbehavior.

attitudes. With the best of intentions, many parents today indulge their kids in order to help them fit in better or have some sort of advantage that the parents didn’t have. To help reverse these tendencies in your home: 1) Provide kids with opportunities to make money, and teach them to spend money wisely and how to save it; 2) Help kids recognize and understand the marketing messages that are making them feel inadequate; 3) Teach kids to ponder their needs vs. their wants.

Rules that are unrealistically strict or discipline that is harshly delivered often causes children to rebel, rather than respond in a way that will alter their behavior in positive ways. Ask yourself: Is this rule necessary? Does the rule protect the children’s health and safety or the health and safety of others? Does it protect the rights or property of others? Examples of family rules might include: Use kind words with one another, do your part to help out around the house, treat other people’s things with care, ask permission to use things that are not theirs, knock before you go into someone else’s room, and so on.

Family Rules:

Clear Expectations: When

you ask your children to do something, inform them that you expect them to mind the first time you ask, without any complaints or negative attitudes or back-talk. Make sure your expectations are clearly defined, consistent and easy to remember. For example, there is no TV viewing until homework is done. Make sure your expectations are age-appropriate. For example, if you expect your children to help with the laundry, teach them to do it correctly and make sure they are old enough and coordinated enough to understand the instructions and follow through as instructed.

In general, a discipline method should match the offense and be consistent and immediate. For example, if your kids watch TV before doing their homework, then a consequence may be that they loose their TV privileges for the rest of the week. Other privileges which may be removed include: phone usage, having friends over, Internet time, and so on. Make sure your children understand what discipline strategies you use so they can make an informed decision as to whether or not they choose to misbehave.

Discipline Strategies:

Parental Consistency:

Parents need to be consistent in their

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as a means for gaining independence.

As children grow older, and display more responsible behavior, provide them with more freedom to be independent. For example, this may include a later curfew, having sleepovers, or for older teens-more usage of the family car.

Encourage Responsibility

Bringing Out the Best in Your Children: • Allow your children to make mistakes. Don’t hover or overprotect your children. They need to learn from the natural experiences of growing up.

• Take time for yourself and for your spouse and for the other people in your life. Your children need to know that your life doesn’t exist to make them happy. Encourage your children to do chores around the house to help contribute to the well-being of the family.

• Be a good role model for a positive attitude. Adopt a “can do” attitude with your children. No problem is too big to overcome with careful planning, some creativity, hard work, and a cooperative spirit.

• Insist on treating others with respect. Encourage your children to say please and thank you, to do kind things for others that don’t benefit them in any way. This might include: holding the door open for older people, sharing with their friends and playing fairly.

• Praise your children when appropriate. Show your appreciation when they are acting responsibility, showing initiative, or acting in a selfless manner.

• Take time to talk to your children everyday. Ask for your children’s advice on matters. Listen to their concerns. Ask about what good things happened at school today, and if any bad things happened.

Ask about how they are feeling: sad, happy, anxious, frustrated. Be prepared to listen more than you talk.

• Focus on your children’s strengths, rather than their weaknesses. Be aware that your children may be listening when you are talking to your friends, so keep your conversations positive when you are asked about how your children are doing.

• Aim for good character, such as honesty, trustworthiness, and good citizenship. Praise your children when they have been honest with you, especially when it might have been easier for them to lie to you about something, such as breaking a valuable or forgetting an assignment at school.

• Accept your children for who they are. Encourage them to do the hobbies, sports and activities they enjoy, not the ones you wish they enjoyed. Have reasonable expectations for their achievement at sports and school. Encourage them to do their best, but don’t admonish them if they are less than perfect.

• Don’t undermine the authority of your children’s teachers. Support their homework policies and encourage your children to make the most out of every class and every situation.

• Be empathetic of your children’s situations. Try to understand the source of your children’s misbehavior or frustration and do what you can to work together for peaceful solutions. n

a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine

Making Changes for the New Year!

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he New Year offers a perfect opportunity to make changes in your family routines, whether the changes are aimed at eliminating homework hassels, helping your children develop more meaningful friendships, or even as complex as helping kids cope with an upcoming move. Below are some specific steps you can take to prepare for changes in family routines and habits: • Make a plan. Once you’ve decided to make a change in your family routines, plan what exactly you’d like to accomplish. Write some specific steps that you can take to move you towards your goal, and give yourself a timeline to help keep you on track. Remember that you can’t change everything at once.

• Enlist support. Changes are usually tough to make and require support from family and friends. For example, if your goal is to eliminate the homework hassles by making your children more accountable for their homework, then talk to your children and your spouse to get everyone on board.

• Give yourself time. Changes generally don’t happen overnight. It takes effort and dedication. Occasionally you will experience setbacks. Give yourself permission to make mistakes. Move on and learn from those experiences.

• Manage fear. Changes can be stressful, particularly if it involves a family move or changing schools. Be open and talk to your children about their fears.

Following are some tips to eliminate homework hassles:

• Establish a homework routine. Encourage your student to set a specific time of day to complete his other homework. It is usually best to complete the hardest task first, when the student still has energy to focus. Schedule break times and snack times.

• Create a homework environment. Establish a location at your home for your students to complete their homework each day.

If your children attend a childcare facility after school, work with the staff to provide a set time and place for them to work on homework.

Make sure this location has good lighting, plenty of table space, and the necessary supplies students will need to complete their work.

Tips for helping kids develop friendships:

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Explain to your children what they should look for in a friend, such as similar interests, authenticity and trustworthi-

ness. Friends don’t need to have everything in common, but generally enjoy some of the same things, as well as having similar values. Friends

The Child Advocate, January 2011

should mutually enjoy each others’ company and be equal partners in the relationship. If your child experiences bullying, is continually left out, or is verbally attacked by friends, help your child understand that these friends are not authentic or trustworthy and try to help them find new friends.

• Encourage playdates at your home. Get to know the parents of your children’s friends by inviting them over for dinner or for coffee.

Tips for helping students adjust to new school transitions

• Kids can help. Let your kids help you make a list of all the things they would want in a new house and neighborhood. For example, this might include: a quiet street so kids can ride their bikes, other kids their age in the neighborhood, walking distance to a park, and so on. If possible, schedule an appointment to tour a few different schools in the area to help your kids determine which one they are most comfortable with and then look for some possible neighborhoods and houses that are close to the preferred schools.

• Be proactive. Before making a school transition, look into the programs and activities offered at the school and encourage your kids to make a list of the activities they’d like to try. Volunteer at their activities to get to know other families. Be the first to invite people to your home.

Don’t wait for invitations to come to you. n

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OEO:

Successful in Helping Parents Resolve Problems With Schools

T he need for resolving conflict between parents and schools in the state of Washington continues to grow. Last school year, The Office of the Education Ombudsman (OEO) saw a 78% increase in the number of complaints compared to the year before. Ombudsmen worked on 844 cases tackling complex problems in 144 school districts statewide.

OEO addressed a variety of issues including special education, bullying, harassment, suspension, expulsion, enrollment, academic progress, etc.

To date, OEO Ombudsmen have intervened in over 2,500 cases.

The best news is that parents and educators alike report success in their experiences consulting with OEO. Parent Dawn Benson of Lacey, describes her experience working with OEO Ombudsmen as “absolutely amazing,” and as a result she has been inspired to get further involved: “I want to make a difference and help other parents.”

OEO has assembled a Parent Advisory Council (PAC) formed by parents from the western corridor of the state. They advise OEO on school-family partnership matters, spread the word about OEO and make their voices heard advocating for school-family partnerships that contribute to student achievement. One member of the OEO Parent Advisory Council notes, “We are all in the same village, caring for the same children. Why shouldn’t we be working together?”

Kelli Doherty is Principal of Osborn Elementary School in Leavenworth, but contacted OEO as a parent, seeking guidance for one of her children at the high school level. “What I really appreciated is that I was listened to.” And she was pleased with the results—OEO offered a “re-

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ally fair recommendation to come to a consensus; the situation was easily resolved… in a way that didn’t harm relationships.”

School administrators agree that the OEO approaches situations with fairness and a willingness to listen to all involved parties. Kurt Wagner, South Kitsap School District Deputy Superintendent, worked with OEO over several months to resolve a complicated issue with a parent. He found OEO “very supportive … also very professional and very objective. We were able to brainstorm the best strategies to help the parent recognize that we were truly trying to support him, and his kids.”

The Office of the Education Ombudsman brings families ands educators together to resolve complaints and disputes that affect student academic progress. It was established in 2006 by House Bill 3127 when a group of legislators in Olympia responded to a need expressed by constituent groups for an office to help prevent and resolve conflict between families and schools, provide information about the public education system, and support family-school partnerships. The Washington State PTA embraced the idea and worked hard for the passage of the Bill. In 2007, OEO opened its doors as part of the Governor’s Office.

Education Ombudsmen advocate for fair processes for students in public schools. They are highly experienced in K-12 education, state/federal laws, conflict resolution, and mediation. Please visit OEO’s website for more information, including annual recommendations, a special report on family involvement, and details about educator professional development and workshops for parents: www.waparentslearn.org. Or contact OEO at 1-866-297-2597. n

a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine

Bullying Prevention For Special Needs Children All students need to be educated about what’s considered bullying and how it harms individuals and the school environment.

Children need to learn about Aspberger’s and how it affects individuals who have it. Students need to know that it is unacceptable to bully students under any circumstance.

Discussions on bullying should take place at every school, as well as information on what kids should do if they witness it. Role play practicing and peer mentoring programs are also beneficial in eliminating bullying in schools. If bystanders took a unified stand against bullying, the school would be successful in eliminating it.

Establishing School Anti-Bullying Policy and Enforcing it

Identify what constitutes bullying, and what actions the school will take for those individuals who break the school rules on bullying.

Students who have aggressive tendencies should be offered professional help. One of the biggest indicators of violent adults is that they were violent as young people.

Helping Students Stay Safe

T here are many special needs children who are silently suffering from bullies in our school systems. Children with Asperger’s Syndrome, or kids with learning difficulties or with other special needs may be easy targets for bullies. Children who have clearly visible disabilities are more likely to be left alone because most bystanders won’t permit the bullying of such children, however those with less obvious special needs are very much at risk. For example, consider children with Asperger’s Syndrome, which is considered an Autism Spectrum Disorder and is associated with individuals who have difficulty with social interactions and communication. These children have no physical evidence of a disability, nor are they lower in intelligence than individuals without this neurological condition, but because they have more difficulties interpreting social cues or may appear socially awkward at times, are often targeted.

Bullying Education

Eliminating bullying starts with educating the teachers. Most teachers would never belittle a student or make him feel anything else than a capable human being, but some may need to be reminded that negative remarks they make about students unintentionally give other students permission to bully or say negative remarks about those students. Teachers need to be vigilant in watching their comments to students, particularly those students who have difficulties learning or have some awkward social habits.

The Child Advocate, January 2011

• Most bullying takes place in unsupervised areas. Teach your children to avoid those areas.

• Encourage loyal friendships and encourage your children to spend as much time as possible at school with their group of friends. Most bullies will choose children who are alone as their victims.

• Help your children understand their responsibilities as bystanders. Talk to them about what to do if they witness bullying, as well as what to do if someone is spreading vicious rumors, and text messages. Instruct them to always report these incidents to school authorities.

• Help your students develop hobbies and interests that they enjoy.

This will build your children’s sense of identity and make them more confident and less likely to be easy targets for bullies.

• Teach your children the importance of inclusion, tolerance, and learning how to resolve their problems without hitting or using disrespectful language.

• If your student suddenly becomes apprehensive about going to school, or seems to withdraw from friends and activities, or experiences a drop in grades or shows physical signs of abuse, ask your child if she is being bullied at school. Report bullying incidents to school authorities and keep a copy of your communications with the school for your records at home. Insist that the school complies with their anti-bullying policies. If appropriate measures are not taken, then consider approaching the district administration for a solution or changing schools. n

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Addiction-Proof Your Kids T oday there are so many things our kids can become addicted to: Gambling, drugs/alcohol, eating disorders, video games, the Internet and so much more.

Feeding the addictions might be an adrenalin rush at the thought of gaining money, beating the game, feeling a sense of accomplishment or control, loosing inhibitions, and having a feelgood escape.

Addictions can shorten your children’s attention-span, harm their health and well-being, damage their relationships with friends and family, impair their academic growth as well as physical growth and development, and may change the way they think and see the world.

In the moment, addictions may provide individuals with feelings of confidence, happiness or a sense of control. Eventually, these good feelings are often replaced with guilt, shame, or discouragement. Individuals caught up in the cycle of addictions find themselves unable or unwilling to participate in other activities because of an endless desire to pursue the good feelings that their addiction provides. This only further isolates them and draws them deeper into their addictive habits.

Some Things to Consider:

Pay attention if you notice any of the following as it may indicate that your child could be engaging in an addictive behavior: • Does your child make excuses not to do things with family or friends in order to spend time alone?

• Does your child turn off the computer screen every time someone walks in the room?

• Have you caught your child stealing things or lying about where she’s been or what she’s been doing?

• Has your child’s grades suddenly slipped or does he suddenly have a new group of friends?

• Does your child have any unusual eating habits or compulsive behaviors around her weight? This might include making excuses to not eat with the family, a sudden loss of weight, frequently weighing self, extreme interest in exercise.

• Does your child seem agitated or depressed when he isn’t able to engage in certain habits?

• Does your child seem to be hiding things from you or is unusually secretive?

• Does your child have extreme difficulty turning off video games or show little interest in doing anything else?

• Does your child have unusual odors on her clothes or on her breath?

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How to help kids become resilient to addictions:

• Help your child develop meaningful relationships with others, including friends, other adults or mentors, and family members.

• Help your child develop skills, interests or hobbies.

• Talk to your child about living a balanced lifestyle. There is nothing wrong with playing video games, but playing them to the point that they exclude real living isn’t healthy.

• Give your child boundaries. For example, time spent on computers or video games should be limited. Don’t give in when your child begs for more time. Help him find interest in doing other things besides screen time.

• Educate your child about temptations she may face. Everyone knows about the destructive nature of alcohol and drugs on a child’s brain, but gambling can also alter a child’s way of thinking and lead to a destructive addiction.

• Have family dinners together. Families that eat together, talk more and generally have children who are more confident and less likely to engage in risky behaviors. n

a Washington State PTA parent involvement magazine