Media Pack 2011 by Joshua Burke

MEDIA PACK 2011-12

www.waxxx.co.uk

MEDIA PACK 2011-12

www.waxxx.co.uk

MEDIA PACK 2011-12

Why Waxxx? Waxxx has moved on quite rapidly since launching in October 2010. We now benefit from a very loyal readership and our pick-up rate has left us gob-smacked. Now brands like American Apparel have cottoned onto our connection with our audience and made Waxxx their exclusive brand partner for Liverpool. We love art, music, and fashion. We can smell what’s coming next and this is represented in the magazine from the carefully designed layout to the brave and uncompromising articles. We are not taking a breather just yet. We are constantly looking for ways to improve by communicating directly with Waxxx readers. This allows us to help brands like yours to connect with them, in order to make your advertising budget work much harder and get results.

Waxxx has one of the biggest circulations of any free publication in Liverpool. We distribute 6000 issues every month to locations visited frequently by our target audience. We have a strong following, brand recognition and a connection with our target consumers. The data we collect on that group through our social networking groups such as Facebook, Kin2kin.com, and tss-cen.com proves that there really is no other option for advertising in Liverpool. Nobody communicates to our readers like we do because we are the voice of our readers. The magazine is compiled by a large number of our audience, to maintain a strong connection, and have honest and differing opinions of more than just a secular group. This enables the advertiser to be seen in a more accepting light by association. In fact, we can also provide you with photographers, illustrators and designers in order to make your message far more relevant and understanding to our readers.

ISSUE 2 DEC’ 10 •••

FREE

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ISSUE 3 FEB 2011

ISSUE 4 APR 2011

FREE

Interactive journalistic style means the readers want to pick up Waxxx every month. Uncompromising content, highlighting the true Liverpool and not polishing everything in the city gives the audience something unique and means the readers can trust our opinion. The Waxxx design is very contemporary and in line with our target market who want to be up to date.

www.waxxx.co.uk

MEDIA PACK 2011-12

Who are the readers? The relationship we have with our audience is personal. We know what they want and when they want it. They are fussy and keep well ahead of the current trends, which is why it is so important that we are too. Our audience data:

% 2.2

13-17

% 3.2

18-24

25-34

1.1

35-44

2.3

0.38

45-54

0.38

0.89

55+

0.89

43%

56%

Our core demographic is the 18 to 24 age group forming 61% of our readers within an almost equal split of male and female. They are taste-makers and trend-setters amongst their peers. They love music. They research music. They sit in pubs and swap ideas on what great music theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve heard. They play music. They swap music. They go and watch music. Because music matters. In the same vein, they too love art. They love the way art forms the fabric of the urban environment they live in. They create art. They use their space as a piece of art. They frame photos. They draw and then rip up their drawings, and draw again. Because art matters. These people are everywhere. Probably in the more interesting parts of your city, but large in number and intellect. They are students, designers, bar workers and young professionals. They create tastes - make and break careers with their tastes and come back again and again for more. FACEBOOK EXPERIMENT After the success of our last House party at the Wolstenholme creative space we announced another party without naming the location, price or line-up of the event and over 300 people on facebook said they would be attending. On the day of the event we had over 500 attendees. We strongly believe nobody else has this following in Liverpool.

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Past Events

MEDIA PACK 2011-12

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*Exclusive distribution deal with American Apparel Liverpool

Wapping Basin

Diesel, Little Red Vintage, Tabac, Mello Mello, Lost Art, Hooka, Tabac Shipping Forecast, La’go, Heebies, Hardman Street, Lark Lane

500 through JMU Art & Design Building

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Liverpool Central Rail

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Clayton Square Shopping Centre

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Liverpool James Street Rail

Salthouse Dock

1,500 through American Apparel when a purchase is made* - 2,000 through the main train stations - Liverpool Central, Moorfields and James Street - 4,000 through carefully selected outlets across Merseyside such as

St John’s Shopping Centre

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Liverpool Lime Street Rail

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Starting 20th May 2011 Waxxx will send out 8,000 copies each issue (6,000 just wasn’t enough). This breaks down as:

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We distribute all over the city, shops, bars, clubs, student unions, restaurants and pubs. We are constantly being asked for more copies of Waxxx to be distributed to these different outlets. Keeping up with demand is tough but we manage to supply all of these businesses with our free magazine quickly and now have a distribution list of over 200 outlets across Merseyside. Nich

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www.waxxx.co.uk

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www.waxxx.co.uk

MEDIA PACK 2011-12

Clients Here are some of the businesses that have worked with us;

CHIBUKU

SHIPPING FORECAST

AMERICAN APPAREL

DIESEL

HOOKA

EVOL

FACT

BAA BAR

LIVERPOOL SOUND CITTY

LIVERPOOL MUSIC WEEK

SANKEY’S

ACTIONAID

THE MASQUE

TOPMAN CTRL

POP BOUTIQUE

THE KAZIMIER

www.waxxx.co.uk

MEDIA PACK 2011-12

Advertising Rates FULL PAGE ............................ £300 HALF PAGE ............................ £225 QUARTER PAGE .................... £120 1/8 .......................................... £75 1/16 ........................................ £40

BACK PAGE ............................ £400 INSIDE FRONT ....................... £350 INSIDE BACK .......................... £350 DOUBLE ................................... £450 CENTRE ................................... £500

Design from £30 per page. Significant discounts available for block bookings. Please call for more details. Prepayment is required for all adverts before going to print. * Artwork Requirements If possible, artwork should be sent as a CMYK high-res JPEG or TIFF file @ 300dpi. PDFs, Adobe photoshop documents, Adobe InDesign documents, and Adobe Illustrator documents (including EPS files) are also accepted. Please convert all fonts to paths. Artwork accepted via email or on CD. When supplying images to our design team, please use high res images (not web images). All adverts should include a 3mm bleed, and a 5mm quiet area (no text within 5mm of the edge of the document)

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FULL PAGE

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MEDIA PACK 2011-12

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Ear Waxxx WORDS: Waxxx

The cuts are upon us and as the government’s mighty scissors come snipping away at our public sector, one area in particular is feeling the pinch. The arts are experiencing withdrawal symptoms like an MD addict on a Sunday morning, twitching, nervous and filled with the feeling that it’s never going to be that good again. We’ve ridden the wave of Labour’s artistic generosity and come down into a black hole of budget cuts. But it’s not all doom and gloom; someone must be salvaging the shipwreck of artistic integrity – surely? Well no, and this is probably going to depress the shit out of you but bear with me here. When searching for a topic for this article, I was informed by Waxxx HQ that the A Foundation on Greenland Street had closed its doors once and for all. Dismayed by the news, I delved a bit deeper and unearthed an almost predictable tale of spending cuts that had comprised the funding for the venue, not an unfamiliar story right now. However, upon chatting to Mark Waugh, the CEO of the A Foundation it became apparent that this wasn’t just a case of public funding pulling the plug on unprofitable endeavours but quite the opposite. Over the last couple of years the A Foundation, through its venues in both London and Liverpool, have taken public funds and raised nearly triple the amount of cash. So not only was it an economically viable operation but also a huge cultural asset to a city that has taken pride in the past couple of years in its vibrant arts scene.

The Strokes Angles ...

Dan Croll Home ...

2ManyDJs Chibuku 22/04/11 ...

Esben and The Witch The Kazimier ...

Crystal Castles Baptism (Punks Jump Up Remix) ...

Imagine if you will, arriving at a house party. When you arrive you’re given your favourite drink without asking, your coat is placed as neatly as possible on a coat hanger, you’re introduced to a fine buffet of the most delicious foods, the room temperature is pleasant. You then move into the room where plenty of gorgeous individuals of the gender(s) you’re attracted to hang on your every word. Perfection. Then after ten minutes the food is replaced with Netto sausage rolls, you’re drinking Skol, most of the beautiful guests depart and you’re left having a stilted conversation with the host’s auntie.

Making his first mark on the Liverpool music scene as front man for alt rockers Dire Wolfe (who split this past February), Dan Croll has since ventured out on his own and into new musical waters. Recently bringing home the prestigious MBF songwriters award, Dan Croll has already proved his merit as a budding solo artist. His latest offering “Home” pairs an endearing and warm vocal with a hurried acoustic jangle as Croll regales us with the familiarities that for him “feel like home”. The track plays out steady and sparse, offering little foresight to the lush soundscape enveloping the second half of the song at 2:25. His new progressive folk slant pays heed to the captains of the genre - Croll’s voice bearing similarities in timbre to Beirut’s Zach Condon, or even psychfolk legend Devendra Banhart on the more sober moments of the “Cripple Crow” album. The larger moments of “Home” evoke similar emotions to the peaks of Fleet Foxes “Blue Mountain Ridge” and Arcade Fire circa “Funeral”.

These two sexy bastards will be bringing their genre-crossing set to the Masque theatre, with a back drop of jaw-dropping visuals and we really can’t wait. It’s definitely show of the year in the Waxxx calendar. Mr Ellis and Miss Pepperminta are also hosting Ink with their Happy Endings party, massaging your ears with their jumble sale records on the turntables. Let’s hope 2 Many Bouncers don’t spoil the show.

Esben and the Witch brought their own brand of gothic indie rock to The Kazimier with support coming from Teeth of the Sea and Liverpool based Anna Lena & The Orchids. With heavy backing from BBC 6 Music and Matador’s first UK signing in over 6 years, this is certainly a band to take note of. Rupert caught up with them before the show;

It could be a Monday afternoon when your experiencing major comedown, feeling blue and even welling up to homes under the hammer. The remedy for us has been Punks Jump Up remix of Crystal Castles ‘Baptism’. We are big fans of the original version but feel that Punks Jump Up give it an extra kick in the bollocks with their signature funk and cowbell style to remind us why we when we get to Thursday we are ready to put ourselves through a weekend of abuse again.

This is essentially what the long awaited album, Angles is like. ‘Machu Picchu’ opens with dramatic intensity, a summery riff, indifference from Julian Casablancas’ vocals that fits brilliantly, it finishes with the hook still ringing. It really is one of the best indie tracks of the past year. It’s why The Strokes are huge, it’s why people still adore them.

The A Foundation provided a great alternative to, and also complimented, the larger galleries within the city centre. The Tate takes pride in its larger than life exhibitions by renowned contemporary artists, whilst collections at the Walker remind us of the magnificence of pre-20th century masterpieces. But there was always room for one more contender in the ring, and A Foundation filled the position nicely. Distanced from the city centre and independently involved in the regeneration of the Baltic Quarter, the A Foundation had credentials that went beyond mere exhibition and instead focused upon revitalising a part of the city centre that had long been forgotten about.

The next two tracks struggle to leave an impression, the first song to do so is ‘You’re So Right’ and that is only because it immediately strikes that Liars could claim that it is blatant plagiarism of their superior ‘Plaster Casts of Everything’. The key changes, the tempo, the effects, production, they’re all there.

Amidst Liverpool’s cultural boom in 2008, the investor spotlight fell heavily upon one area as the city council attempted to lure in big business. But beyond the sparkle of Liverpool One, two anomalies cropped up. One sunny Sunday morning, tired of the usual haunts, I went for brunch in the now closed Leaf Tea on Upper Parliament Street followed by a trip to see the brilliant Tatsumi Orimoto exhibition at the A Foundation. However, the memory of that warm afternoon is now overshadowed by the fact that I now can’t repeat the experience. Both venues have been closed and in their places sit empty remains, surrounded by the debris of neglect. The Baltic renaissance, as short lived as it was, did not go unrecognised. In his opening speech for the 2008 Liverpool Biennial, Andy Burnham (Minister for Culture, Media & Sport at the time) acknowledged publicly the huge impact that the A Foundation had on the visual arts in Liverpool.

The album struggles to build a meaningful connection with the listener, the lyrics are frivolous and unimportant. Casablancas sings about how ‘We’re living in an empty world’ on ‘Games’, perhaps this is representative of the horribly unorganic method of putting the LP together, especially considering they weren’t all in the same room for parts of it.

You can follow Dan Croll at - http://www.myspace.com/ dancrollmusic …and catch him as part of the 3rd Degree Festival on Friday 8th April, hosted at LIPA’s Paul McCartney Auditorium. Tickets available at the address below http://www.3rddegreefestival.com/index.php/tickets

Spending cuts are everywhere, and the arts are top of the list. Who needs galleries, theatre and God forbid, art-orientated educational outreach? Er, we do. In short, the arts awaken aesthetic experience and broaden the cultural scope and critical capacities of one’s mind- but hey, in the age of austerity, who needs an open mind?

http://sadsongsfordurtylovers.blogspot.com/

... Wouldn’t it be great if we could promote our own blog here? Yes it would but at the moment we don’t have a website because we decided that the future is in print, not online. Nothing to do with us being unable to build a fucking website or make a blog............. honestly. Fortunately, other people do have the ability to make websites, namely ‘Sad Songs For Dirty Lovers’. Taking their name from The Nationals second album, they enjoy nothing more than finding and bringing you the best new music before others have even heard it.

We have indeed. We played at The Kazimier as part of Liverpool Sound City last year. It went well by all accounts and we are all excited to be returning to the venue. The album is haunting with beautiful harmonies. I can hear echoes of Cat Power and Bjork, PJ Harvey there too, whom would you cite as influences to the band’s sound and the album? The record was influenced by all manors of things. People, places real and imagined, books, stories we stumbled across. Musically we were inspired in various ways and to various degrees by HEALTH, Godspeed and Joy Division amongst a host of others. In recent years there has been an increase of female, alternative bands each with distinctive sounds (Warpaint, Peggy Sue, Beach House) coming into the mainstream limelight. Do you think there is a current trend shift towards female alternative artists? There are certainly a great number of talented female artists making music at the moment, which is a fantastic thing. As far as we’re concerned though the real turning point will be when it becomes such a normal thing that it is no longer worthy of any special note.

In terms of a track-by-track analysis previous album First Impressions of Earth was better than the mixed reviews suggested, it just wasn’t that cohesive. There was the odd poor track but plenty of good material. Parts of Angles sound like tracks that wouldn’t have reached demo stage for First Impressions, the poor non-event ‘Call Me Back’ labours horribly, it’s slow, doesn’t build up to anything and sounds like something Thom Yorke would create…once he was in the initial stages of recovery from a coma.

And so it seems bizarre that one of the venues so heavily involved in propagating Liverpool’s image of a cultural capital has now been allowed to go into administration. And it certainly is tempting to hark on about the unequal geographical distribution of arts funding in general but this issue I feel is symptomatic of a current wider dismissal of the arts.

Have you guys played Liverpool before now?

Sad Songs For Dirty Lovers

You are signed to Matador, one of the last great indie labels, how important is it for you to be signed to an independent label? It is something that is very important to us. We all feel very privileged to have the opportunity to work with a label of such stature. We have a lot of time for numerous bands on their roster, Sonic Youth for example. Matador affords us full control of our music and all elements of the aesthetic that surrounds it, which is essential to us.

Some charisma re-appears with ‘Gratisfaction’, yet another track inspiring thoughts of sun, a moderate drunken haze and a hint of giddy sing-a-longs. More refined improvement continues until the end of the album, with ‘Life is Simple in the Moonlight’ being a solid, driving closer. Alas, that’s the problem with Angles, its stellar moment comes immediately, and then struggles with material ranging from poor to good. The Strokes are capable of great things but this is a frustrating album, you know that given a little care and attention Angles could have brought indie rock right back to the fore. It doesn’t.

WORDS: Emma Harrison PHOTOGRAPHY: Mark Waugh

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News

Reviews

WORDS: Waxxx

WORDS: Joshua Burke, Joe Danher

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Dear Stephen... Goosing in 2011

WORDS: Stephen Baxendale - stephenbaxendale.blogspot.com ILLUSTRATION: Vanessa Rose Evans

Bad weather on the way

“Hasn’t Much Value”

...

Spiral of Mist commissioned for Merseyside – as a way of cutting down our country’s huge financial deficit and ensuring young artists are supported and encouraged the Arts Council have commissioned multi-millionaire Antony McCall to create some more weather in the sky over the river Mersey. Most days you won’t be able to see it. A snip at just £500,000.

HMV Bold Street has now closed along with many others across the country. Leaving this city with just one large music retailer. Hopefully this will be a good thing for the small independent record stores in Liverpool like 3Beat, Hairy and Probe but it’s more likely that Tesco will sweep up the rest of the sales for Snow Patrol Live DVDs and the like.

Waxxx QR Codes by James Stevens

...

Baby Bieber came to Liverpool

Keep those eyes peeled

RAGS Boutique

...

artwork by Klaus Joynson

...

RAGS Boutique which makes clothing and jewellery out of all manner of materials including tyres, newspapers, plastic bags and shredded paper has opened in Liverpool. Every Friday and Saturday until April 22, the shop, in Renshaw Street (opposite the new Quiggins), will be open to the public free of charge.

He came, he saw, he got KB’d. “Bieber Fever” hit the streets, which just so happened to fall on the same day that special needs girls from all over the city were out on a school trip. They went mental. Many of them passed out, and were possibly put down after going lame. After his concert at the Echo Arena, seventeen-year old Bieber and his entourage attempted to go for a chilled beverage in Santa Chupitos. The manager told them all to fuck off.

Go look at what they’ve already done in this awesome space or actually help make some of their recycled clothing. A fashion show will be taking place on Good Friday (22nd April).

Upcoming Gigs...

2manydjs – in the interests of not getting shot, we aren’t going to mention what happened last time the gents from 2 many dj’s played Liverpool in Soulwax form. All we will say is that this will be awesome.

Fiesta Obscenic – although this clashes with Chew Disco we just had to put it in as it features some amazing artists and it’s also in the Wolstenholme Creative Space, scene of our very own Waxxx House Party in March.

Teeth – We’ve been banging on about Teeth for a while now. Still, this should be an awesome gig, as part of the Sound City Festival. Expect a delicious after party.

Yuck – Massively hyped Yuck have got an excellent PR team. We reckon they’re probably going to blow your socks off and tickle your feet whilst they’re at it though.

Black Lips – Once played downstairs in the much-adored Korova Fleet Street. Still going strong, the band will probably put on one of the years best shows.

GZA (The Genius from Wu Tang Clan) – A rather strange gig, we were supposed to be doing an interview over Skype. He was a bit too busy playing chess.

Jeniferever – Swedish 5 piece, Jeniferever will be playing upstairs at LEAF. If we aren’t still barred, we might make it down there too.

Cover Girl – Friends of Trash Kit, Is Tropical et al are playing at The Kazimier for a Ugandan LGBT charity as part of Chew Disco.

Dan Croll – Our Ear Waxxx single this month is by Mr Croll. We seem to plan a party every time Dan is busy and we’ve done it again on 8th April. Go watch before Waxxx in PMA at LIPA.

Waxxx Party – obviously. Self-promotion is still prevalent in this magazine. This Friday, we are pleased to announce we will be hosting our party in Shipping Forecast, possibly our best venue yet. Entry is only £3, but get down before midnight if you want to get in.

Is Tropical – We’ve booked this one for 6th May all by ourselves. It’ll be at the newly opened Magnet on Hardman Street followed by new clubnight Fake.

MCAT boy strikes again. Late. Again. Fortunately this time, the promoter was kind enough to halt the night’s proceedings in anticipation of my arrival. Either that or The Kazimier performances start later. Missed the first band, I think. The second, Get People instantly grabbed my attention, (which was rather difficult at the time). I was not alone in being grabbed, as the crowds began to fill the Kazimier, they too were more often drawn to the stage rather than scuffling off for a drink. Track Careless was an instant hit and even got sober people moving on the spot, although a second listen provides little insight into the live raw power the band offered up on the night. Get People are certainly destined for bigger things. The third weren’t as impressive as the first, but that’s not to say they weren’t good. Dustland hail from Liverpool and are probably awesome (they certainly have a lot of passion and talent and have just been signed to Deltasonic I believe). They packed their set with plenty of visual pleasantness and enough high-tempo keyboarding to keep the kids happy but I just couldn’t get past the Ian Curtis impersonating lead-singer’s vocals and went for a cigarette. When Crystal Fighters finally took to the stage they brought with them the energy and enthusiasm which often evades touring bands. Their basque-indieelectro-pop features beautiful melodies infused with heavy techno beats. You could be forgiven for thinking they’ve jumped on the “Crystal” bandwagon following the success of Crystal Castles, Crystal Antlers et al, however there is an excellent, if slightly pretentious reason for the band’s name. Crystal Fighters is the name of an unfinished opera of a former member’s Grandfather, but that has little relevance tonight. The crowd seemed slightly slow in sharing the enthusiasm of Crystal Fighters at first. Once they started moving though, they didn’t stop thanks in no small part to the powerful set laced with harmonies and dnb bringing something of a carnival to the packed out Kazimier, which by the way was the perfect setting for the affair. Fronted by Sebastian Pringle, a long-haired hippy from the home counties, Crystal Fighters took me and my entourage (girlfriend) by surprise. Having only heard Xtatic Truth on a Kitsuné Maison CD, I began hunting for more but got disenchanted and felt rather foolish on the evening for doing so. I want more.

Coined by the artists, their community and critics alike, an innavigable web of hybrid genres has emerged and continues to grow in both number and obscurity. Some are laughable cousins of that from which they are derived (whose idea was “Spazcore” anyway?) whilst others offer a firmer grasp of an act’s bid for individuality Meet Dananananaykroyd, the self professed “fight pop” six piece consisting of John Baillie Jr (vocals) Calum Gunn (vocals) Duncan Robertson (guitar) David Roy (guitar) Ryan McGinness (bass) and Paul Carlin (drums). It’s not a term you’ll have heard kicked around very often but clear none the less in its implications and certainly a crown that fits if their reputation as one of the UK’s most energetic live bands is apt Like their nod to the much loved canadian actor, there is nothing subtle about the tongue in cheek nature of the young Glaswegians. Take singles “totally bone” and “pink sabbath” or the rumoured working title of the new album “I honestly can’t believe you got that much ham into a solitary sandwich and still went to see Metallica” later revealed to be simply “There Is A Way” for example, not to mention their cover of Devo’s “whip it” on sydney radio station Triple J Having recently jumped the pond to Los Angeles to record their sophomore album and follow up to 2009’s “Hey Everyone” with legendary producer Ross Robinson, Dananananaykroyd are now back on home soil and facing the final show of their latest UK tour here tonight at the Shipping Forecast. My first thoughts are as to how the tiny stage is going to contain their reported animalism, and the short answer is...it doesn’t. They are barely 30 seconds into opener “Reboot” before John and Calum are stampeding into the crowd trading melodies, frenzied yelps and alternating screams that play out like a playground taunt dashed by tourettes. As a pair, the two share an enjoyably violent charisma, surfing out into the crawl space between the raised hands and basement roof, never afraid to ensnare a few of the front row in their mic cables (who doesn’t love a fight pop rodeo?), and spilling out tour stories of pot noodle theft and blu tack moustaches with a ramble that feels almost unobserved to the point where you feel that maybe you’ve just crashed their house party. They motion the basement to their knees before exploding into “What’s This” and the dissonant assault of “E Numbers”, by which point you notice how well Ryan (who replaced original bassist Laura back in ) and Paul feed off each other, providing a solid backbone in the thick of the music’s schizophrenic changes of pace. “Think And Feel “ referenced by John as “one you kids are gonna love” is as close to a fleeting moment of sanity that we can hope for, before a rolling crescendo gives way to “Infinity Milk”’s signature guitar hook, provoking an ecstatic singalong from the crowd as Ryan sways his Jag around in some demented slow dance. Indeed, the shared guitar work is angular and disjointed yet perfectly executed, falling somewhere between early Biffy Clyro and At The Drive In circa “Relationship Of Command”. “Time Capsule” sees the whole band venture into the fray to a surging half time beat and is arguably the cream of the new crop, whereas fan favourite and latest single “Black Wax” is hugely involving and perhaps the best ambassador of “fight pop” with a chorus that instantly registers and anthemic gang chanting from everyone in the venue. Nearing the end, all convention goes down the cattle grid altogether as David wrenches half of the drum kit into the centre of the floor for “Make A Fist”’s seamless transition into “Song 1 Puzzle”, thrashing amidst an apocalyptic eruption of camera flashes and wails before all chaos subsides for closers “Pink Sabbath” and “Some Dresses”, the latter of which sees the crowd split down the middle and collide in an embrace spurred on by the band who follow suit. Shamefully, I have to concede that my first impressions of Dananananaykroyd on record were not entirely favourable - altogether too raw and discombobulated to make any real sense of. Yet never has a single performance swayed my opinion so sharply as it has with this vibrant lot. It’s a live show that is unrelenting and inventive, whilst never becoming too self indulgent and certainly puts the album into better perspective for any reformed doubter. All in all, Dananananaykroyd are something bold. A cut above the all too predictable strain of Biffy bashers that has become common form of the Scottish alternative scene. If this is fight pop, I’m taping up my fists and heading to the yard.........it’s on

Shagging, goosing, slapping the weasel, whatever you want to kill it, sex is getting weird. Scientists are saying are saying 2011 is the year of experimentation. I know it’s early, but things are only going to get better/worse from here on in. Make no mistake; it’s a fucking jungle out there. You’re going to need to be prepared otherwise you‘ll be up cum creak without a paddle. To give you a feel of what’s out there we interviewed three people off some seedy internet forums on the subject of sex and their sexual experiences in 2011.

The perspective of a slightly creepy 28 year old.

Wisdom from a 23 year old female pansexual.

A warning from a 50 year old man.

How many sexual partners have you been with?

How do you define a pansexual?

Too active.

Today?

It’s someone who is gender blind. Gender and sexuality becomes irrelevant to whether you’re sexually attracted to someone. You just take people for who they really are. It’s about taking a DIY approach to gender and not trying to put everyone in a box.

How so?

In total. Around 60 That’s a lot. How did you manage that?

Do you have any preference between men and women?

Freshers week. I’ve been doing freshers week for about ten years now. It’s almost a rite of passage for a fresher to have slept with me. I keep getting older but freshers stay the same age.

Men seem to think that they somehow own your sexuality because you’ve slept with them. They get angry and jealous when you’re with someone else but they expect you to be fine when they want to shag around.

Do you ever question the morality of that?

Have you noticed any strangeness, sex-wise, in 2011?

It’s important to remember women are not like us. You know in Ireland they used to have bottomless well’s that they would throw troublesome women down? When I was a younger man I once got so fucked and tried to dig such a well outside a bar. The only thing that stopped me was the bouncers. They beat the shit out of me.

I’ve noticed guys are getting crazier. I was with this guy last week; he stopped halfway through sex and said “I’ve had enough of this shit”. He stormed out and slammed the door. He came back in and stole a bottle of gin off my dresser, he looked me right in the eyes and said “I’m going to drink this!”

Any sex tips for our readers for 2011? Getting as much height as possible in the bedroom. Positions like the spider monkey and the jackhammer are really big on the circuit at the minute. It’s important to keep your sexual arsenal up to date.

Do you still maintain an active sex life?

My wife was made redundant last year. She’s had a lot of spare time and has discovered the internet. She’s been going through a sexual reawakening. It was good at first, she was finding new ways to spice it up and for us to be more intimate. It all went to shit when she fell in with the perverts. It’s like she’s Dante, except she’s climbing a mountain of porn, the soft core at the bottom and terrifying perversions at the top. Last night she was asking me to do all sorts but that’s another story. What’s the most disturbing thing that she’s been in to? For months she was really into using food. You know, girls using things that represent a phallic symbol. She kept showing me different food groups. I almost went insane. I used to work at supermarket, a month ago they asked me to restock the cucumber and carrots. I cried for an hour. They fired me last week.

Then he was gone for a long time. I assumed he’d gone home. He came back in to my room around 15 minutes later stinking of oil. When I checked in the morning the fucker had eaten all my meat and potatoes, I think he tried to deep fry the lot in a booze hunger and then ate it half raw off of the work surface. He slept on the floor like a dog for the rest of the night. In the middle of the night he began crying and pounding the floor. When I asked him what was up, he told me to “Shut my damn mouth!”

I’m sorry. That’s very sad.

In the morning I asked if I could walk him the bus station. He said “No. No not at all, I have to leave immediately, and you wouldn’t be able to keep up the pace”. The he ran out the door and then past my window. Screaming the entire time.

Stay away from the internet. And perverts.

Any sex tips for our readers? Men need to stop thinking that drugs and sex is a good combination. You may be able to last forever but being endlessly banged at a party, in a toilet by a wild eyed fiend is less appealing then most men think.

There’s no escape to it now. I don’t know what will be waiting for me when I get home. It could be anything, a strap on aubergine, pleasure ‘eggs’………anything. One more prevision and I’m done for. It will all be over. I’ll be ruined. Any sex tips for our readers?

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