5IF &OE 5JNFT The %JBSZ End Times Diary 2008
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The End Times Diary 2008 by Ian Malkie Additional Contributors Hannah Hollingworth Qoot Brian McGee Toby Schwartz Copyright Ian Malkie, 2007
WAYW002 www.waywardpress.co.uk FOR MATTHEW The original soothsayer
This is a preview of The End Times Diary 2008. Feel free to distribute, copy and disseminate
Introduction Welcome to The End Times Diary 2008 – a revelatory day-to-day planner for the year ahead. Aimed at the fundamentalist Christian who knows that the world is coming to an end, this book will help you prepare for the apocalypse, the rapture and the eventual return of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. For those of you unfamiliar with Biblical prophesy, we thought it wise to produce this little primer to help you understand exactly what it is that we’re all facing. Be under no illusions – the end is indeed nigh. Rather than fearing the End of Days, however, you should embrace the change as it will eventually lead to the second coming of the Messiah. WHAT ARE THE END TIMES? The term ‘End Times’ refers to a sequence of events prophesied in the book of Revelation. In general terms, it deals with the end of the world, fall of humanity and the rule of Satan over the earth. SOUNDS BAD! Yes and no. Bad in the sense that life as we know it will become unimaginable torment, but good in the sense that it will lead to the return of Jesus Christ in order to guide his people to salvation. SO – GOOD IF YOU’RE A DEVOUT CHRISTIAN, BUT BAD FOR EVERYONE ELSE? Exactly. So now’s the time to get yourself into church! Don’t put it off! You don’t want to be left behind when the Rapture comes! THE RAPTURE? WHAT’S THAT? The Rapture is the blessed event whereby God brings up all the true believers into Heaven. This isn’t some theoretical flight of the soul – our bodies will be literally plucked up off the earth and lifted up to the Kingdom of God. KIND OF LIKE THE TELEPORTER IN ‘STAR TREK’? Yes. Although that kind of flippant attitude isn’t very helpful.
SO WHEN DO THE END TIMES BEGIN? Well, unfortunately we don’t have the exact date, but all the signs are that it’s coming soon. You only need to look at the state of the world to realise that things are getting worse – Godlessness all around, war, famine, atheism and the intrusion of autocratic government. Rather than let people fend for themselves, we’ve created this diary. Inside you’ll find all sorts of activities, advice and warnings about how to survive the End Times. WHAT SHOULD I LOOK OUT FOR? As well as the weekly activities, you should look out for these icons on specific days. These Hot-Spots indicate that significant events may well take place and that you should be extra-vigilant.
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The Beware The Beast warns you to be aware of Satanic activity. These days have been calculated using a complex numerological process and are scientifically predicted to have a high level of demonic activity. Be on your guard whenever you see this symbol. The Possible Departure symbol indicates a date that could very well be the start of The Rapture. While none of us knows exactly when it will happen, it’s just possible it could be on one of these days, so make sure you’re prepared. The Birthday icon marks the birth date of a significant figure connected to the End Times. While this doesn’t necessarily mean anything, it’s a good reminder to say a prayer, send a card or do nothing at all.
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO PREVENT THIS ALL FROM HAPPENING? No. And why would you want to? The End Times is a glorious event that will be the redemption of the righteous. Stupid people will argue that caring for the environment, changing our political processes and working to end war will help mankind, but we know that the only path to salvation is utter destruction. It’s God’s will, dummy!
Weights & Measures Biblical
Imperial
Metric
1 Cubit
22.1 inches
56 cm
1 Span
11 inches
28 cm
1 Biblical Mile
3670 feet
1.12 km
1 Talent
1.0838 cwt. (US)
49,162 g
1 Mina
1.8064 lb.
819.36 g
1 Shekel
0 .57803 oz.
16.387 g
International Dialling Codes USA
+1
Great Britain
+44
Israel
+972
Iraq
+964
Books of the Bible The Old Testament
The New Testament
Genesis Exodus Leviticus Numbers Deuteronomy Joshua Judges Ruth 1 Samuel 2 Samuel 1 Kings 2 Kings 1 Chronicles 2 Chronicles Ezra Nehemiah Esther Job Psalms Proverbs Ecclesiastes Song of Solomon Isaiah Jeremiah Lamentations Ezekiel Daniel Hosea Joel Amos Obadiah Jonah Micah Nahum Habakkuk Zephaniah Haggai Zechariah Malachi
Matthew Mark Luke John Acts (of the Apostles) Romans 1 Corinthians 2 Corinthians Galatians Ephesians Philippians Colossians 1 Thessalonians 2 Thessalonians 1 Timothy 2 Timothy Titus Philemon Hebrews James 1 Peter 2 Peter 1 John 2 John 3 John Jude Revelation
Temperature & Wind Speed
Year of Our Lord
December/ January
2008
Monday
31
Tuesday
1
Wednesday
2
New Year’s Day (Public Holiday UK, Eire)
January 2nd (Public Holiday, Scotland)
Thursday
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3 10 : 2 0 P M 22.20x3x1x (2+0+0+8) = 6 6 6
“For those who believe, no explanation is necessary; for those who don’t believe, no explanation is possible.”
Traditional
Year of Our Lord
2008
January Friday
4
Saturday
5
Epiphany
Sunday
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6 1:11AM
1. 11 x 6 x 1 x(2+0+0+8) = 6 6 6
New Year’s Resolutions for the Righteous
Yes, we’re all more pious than the next man, but all of us could use a little improvement, surely? Here are a few suggestions for resolutions that will mean you don’t just take part in the Rapture, you fly up there first class! Convert at least one Jew/Muslim/Hindu/Sikh/Atheist to Christianity Vow to speak only in tongues for the whole year Stop spitting in the potato salad at the monthly church picnic ‘Out’ a vicar, so they can’t sneak into heaven through the backdoor Cut back on the whoring Stop thinking about the neighbor’s babysitter in that way Tell wives about each other’s existence
January
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
7
Tuesday
8 T
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D A Y
B I
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E L V I S AARON PRESLEY ( 19 3 5 )
Wednesday
9
Thursday
10
“There’s no disaster that can’t become a blessing, and no blessing that Richard Bach can’t become a disaster.”
Year of Our Lord
January P
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Friday
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2008
ARTU
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Saturday
12
Sunday
13
The Rapture : Pre-Flight Checklist
Don’t be caught unawares by your physical ascent to heaven. Make sure you tick off the following items before you go.
□ □ □
Baptize pets
□ □ □
Forget to do same for in-laws
Cancel magazine subscriptions Attempt to redeem heathen relatives Burn possessions to foil looters Send all money to Televangelist
□ □ □
Change voicemail messages
□ □ □
Empty all aerosol cans skyward
Renounce Satan one last time Fit kids with parachutes, just in case Stock up on sunblock Say goodbye to Grandma
January
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
14
Tuesday
15
Wednesday
16
Thursday
17
“If we have nuclear peace for the next 60 years, I would be mildly Steven David surprised.”
Year of Our Lord
January
2008
Friday
18
Saturday
19
Sunday
20
The Devil wants EU! Slovenia assumes the presidency of the European Union between January and July. Be on the look out for these Satanic directives.
The new EU President will...
• • • • • • •
Usher in the new era of the Antichrist Force all traders to wear the mark of the Beast Have knotted horns on his head Walk upon cloven hooves Fornicate with woman and animal alike Eat babies for breakfast, lunch and dinner Raise taxes
January Monday
21
Year of Our Lord
2008
Martin Luther King Day (Public Holiday, USA)
Tuesday
22
Wednesday
23
Thursday
24
“This ‘turn the other cheek’ business is all well and good but it’s not what Jesus fought and died for.” Jerry Falwell
Year of Our Lord
January
2008
Friday
25
Saturday
26
Sunday
27
Scotlan d hit by deluge of snak es
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
Meteor storms NIKE LAUNCH expected ‘GOAT-HOOF’ throughout SN EAKERS Russia March Brow n exposes ‘66 demands 6’ ta tt o o to e’ gen l astonished p Revealed: the ‘evi more ress present in 60% of humans frogs ts entalis Exorcism ra Environmy ‘made up’Bush: e te Platypus to re cord levelssoars admit lthwarming You’re all hordes globa going to take over l sulphur PO Tasmania Rainfal PE ON DO Hell PE? levels rise again
CE THE PRIN AND THE TE PROSTITU
January
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
28
Tuesday
29
Wednesday
30 T
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Y
B I
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RICHARD “ D I C K ” C H E N E Y ( 1 9 4 1 )
Thursday
31
“Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come.”
Rabindranath Tagore
Year of Our Lord
February
2008
Friday
1
Saturday
2
Sunday
3
The Trouble with Tribulation Obviously we’re all looking forward to the Rapture, but you should be aware of a little thing called the Tribulation - a time of great suffering in which Christians will suffer persecution and degradation. Opinion varies as to whether the Rapture will occur before, during or after the Tribulation and it can be argued that your position as a pre, mid or post-tribulationist depends largely on your perception of God. Pre-Tribulation
Mid-Tribulation
Post-Tribulation
God is a loving entity who wishes to protect his children from harm
God is a stern father who knows that suffering can lead to enlightenment
God is a mad bastard who doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself
February
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
4
Tuesday
Shrove Tuesday
5
Wednesday
Ash Wednesday
6
Thursday
7
“The bad fortune of the good turns their faces up to heaven; and the good fortune of the bad bows their heads down to the earth.” Saadi
Year of Our Lord
February
2008
Friday
8
Saturday
9
Quadragesima
Sunday
10
Things you could give up for Lent (but probably won‘t) swearing prayer masturbation binge-eating farting going to church coca-cola self-righteousness judging lest ye be judged meat
eggs alcohol sex
drugs
M&Ms buggery pornography
cigarettes lustful thoughts
number twos racism gambling crack Big Macs breathing wheat intolerance casting the first stone hope klan rallies sausages incest
February
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
11
Tuesday
12
Wednesday
13
Thursday
St. Valentine’s Day
14
“The future belongs to those who prepare for it today.”
Malcolm X
Year of Our Lord
February
2008
Friday
15
Saturday
16
Sunday
17
I ♥ U (+ Jesus) By sending a card like this on Valentine’s Day, you’re expressing love not only for the recipient, but also for Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ! (Added to which, it may be the last chance you have to tell someone how you really feel before they’re consumed in righteous hellfire.) It’s not just liberals...
I Wuv You this much ...who have bleeding hearts
LOVE THY GOD
...then fool around with me
February Monday
18
Year of Our Lord
2008
President’s Day (Public Holiday, USA)
Tuesday
19
Wednesday
20
Thursday
21
“…whether the design is evil or not, artifice is always dangerous and almost inevitably disgraceful.” Jean de La Bruyère
Year of Our Lord
2008
February Friday
22
Saturday
23
Sunday
24
And the winner is... JESUS! Sunday’s Academy Awards ceremony will undoubtedly be the usual celebration of pornography and wickedness. Express your outrage by photocopying this slip, signing it and sending it to the Academy.
Dear Academy of Motion Picture ‘Arts’ & ‘Sciences’, I shall not be watching the ‘Oscars’ this year, due to your continual refusal to acknowledge JESUS with so much as a nomination. He should win ALL the awards! Signed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
February
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
25
Tuesday
26
Wednesday
27
Thursday
28
“It’s human nature to start taking things for granted again when danger isn’t banging loudly on the door.” David Hackworth
Year of Our Lord
2008
February / March Friday
29
Saturday
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10 : 2 0 P M 22.20x1x3x (2+0+0+8) = 6 6 6
Sunday
2
NEXT MONTH’S HEADLINES
Dawkin Arms fair tours s fed to nation’s schools Jerusalem learning to cope with fall-out lions signs ow S sh Y s ie w O e ab R Sc T n S t FIRE DE Police ge rch intelligence, of a Neo-nazi talent e s LOUVRE strip ologists claim bi agency seeks s r e pow charismatic TO AN RASTA-M David Icke drowns in figurehead THE RESCUE! water-walking accident Economic d Dreadlocked vigilante Potatoes facing extinction wins civic commendation continues... ownturn
Dog-cat crossbreed wins ‘best in show’
The new online craze: Hatebooking
but pimps and underta kers report reco rd earnings
March
Year of Our Lord
2008
Monday
3
Tuesday
4
Wednesday
5
Thursday
6
“All this concern with the effects of global warming is another Lord Young of Graffham manifestation of being politically correct.”
But wait - that’s not all!
The rest of the year has more great content like this: Flood Warning
to global ased flooding is due on us for cre in at th say ay m up ts e retribution Atheistic scientis that it is God’s divin prepare for the floods? to warming, but we know w ho t Bu . ttled water e buying expensive bo A jet-ski may seem lik ar we e, as to rch ren Force child a frivolous pu . e in a lifejackets at all times (particularly if you liven the en be wh t ’ve bu ey ), They say th tower block be the going to swimming deluge arrives, you’ll bors! u igh yo ne do ur t lessons, bu envy of all yo lly want to risk it? Judgrea h emen And for the full ‘Noat A freGesRtanding t Day Ju rience’, why no pe Ex mble tub E A T bath convert your garden - Fin F D B ded E A a mini Ark? thin (properlyW G sh e to wery S T o N L es ak rdbe ast may m T d) ge ug ev sh pl B C B Tw O P Photo: Peter Lindberg Q oHof idgh de...n i E P ou th Y R e, OueW ez anP exUcellent sq a be n A C t h L G M e cha U D D ft Acanoe. I N makeshi T U os O G L W
R
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F
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!
BURN IN R D B I N B Q N J DEAT G U E A E C G X P J DROU H N S I A E G Z I K I M G C M J O Z U FAMI HT C R R T E E L N T D N W E G U V REAT W Y E O E A S A BEAS L H E D T H I G H O D Y RSEM T J E H E F U M P E ar D R B GaPs mask H J X O acLhI speN N D C BeW O U ar R B e Y hw NG J J U U W c G D a S E GEM C K H T G R meDs BGe E B F L U N LOCU ENT EndDTiY M E O C R C B Q N N T U S PLAG ST F H B P T D RAPT UE L W O R K I U diation X M W Y T Anti-ra sol RUM RE U J X F para E L K WAIL PEaT ire O E INRGzor w B Z WAR WRAT Halloween H A
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- Get behind
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thee Satan! Don’t let thifise satanic holid wie kn Boce repla ay jeop the ‘tradition al’ blasphemardize your place in heave y with somet d-lined Lepaly hing more ri n. Sim ghteous. bikini TRADITION AL BLASPHE MY ine gun VaccR Bobbing for IGHTEOUS A apples LTERNATIVE n u rg a e Sp Harry Potter C h il d re n’s ducking st readings ools Salem Witch Fun-size Mar trial re-enactm s Bars ents Witches hats and vampire Pocket Bibles fangs Nun’s habits Ghost stories and vicar’s d og collars “Trick or Trea t!” Confessional s “Repent or d ie!”
The End Times Diary is the essential guide to the impending apocalypse and features valuable information that might just save your soul! Using the Book of Revelation as its basis, The End Times Diary prophesizes the events that will lead to the Rapture, Tribulation and Second Coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Week-by-week, The End Times Diary lays out everything you need to know: when the devil is at his strongest, potential troublespots, survival techniques and handy hints for the fundamentalist Christian. Be under no illusions: The end IS nigh! Available to purchase from
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