HOW TO
START
SMOKING ‘Dr.’ Brian McGee
How To Start Smoking by ‘Dr.’ Brian McGee
This book is intended for entertainment only and should not be used for medical or educational purposes. Neither the author not the publisher encourage, condone or promote the use of tobacco products and bear no responsibility for any harm that may occur, either directly or indirectly, as a result of this book. SMOKING KILLS ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Marcus, for the many Camels he generously herded my way. Sarah, for unwittingly inspiring this book. My family, for unswerving support. Becky, for impromptu design consultation. The photographers, not only for taking such wonderful pictures, but also making them available for use: Tijmen Van Dobbenburgh (front cover), Aldo Cauchi Savona, Ben Hammersley, Irith, Johannes Niebler, Uffe Nielsen, Tomasz G. Sienicki, Haragayato, Stefano Mortallaro, Rainer Zenz, Spencer Ritenour, Geierunited, Krzysztof Machocki and Diane Connolly. All uncredited images are from the author’s private collection. The moral rights of the author have been asserted. © Brian McGee 2007 http://www.startsmoking.org Wayward Press
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THIS IS A FREE SAMPLE OF “HOW TO START SMOKING” BY ‘DR.’ BRIAN McGEE FEEL FREE TO COPY OR DISTRIBUTE AS YOU SEE FIT. www.waywardpress.co.uk
Contents INTRODUCTION
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CHAPTER 1 “Why Should I Smoke?” SMOKERS DIE SMOKERS QUIT SMOKERS ARE VICTIMISED SMOKERS ARE STUPID ...but none of these matter if you smoke
7 8 10 12 13 14
CHAPTER 2 “What Should I Smoke?” Cigarettes Pros and Cons Know Your Brands Brand Loyalty vs. Hot-Swapping The Bootlegger - Friend or Foe? Roll-ups Pros and Cons Know Your Brands Papers Filter, Roach or No? Can’t Roll, Won’t Roll Cigars Pipes
15 16 17 18 23 24 25 26 27 29 31 32 33 34
CHAPTER 3 “When Should I Smoke?” What’s The Best Age To Start Smoking? Micro Management The First Cigarette Of The Day
35 36 37 41
CHAPTER 4 “How Should I Smoke?” Holding The Cigarette The Snip The Old Lag The Geezer The Wise Monkey Lighting Up
43 44 45 46 47 48 49
The First Drag Matches The Three-Off-A-Match Rule Disposable Lighters Cheap Refillable Lighters Quality Refillable Lighters Inhaling The Smoker’s Wink Exhaling Nasal Exhalations The Irish Waterfall Smoke Rings Tipping & Stubbing Ashtray Etiquette
49 50 52 53 54 55 58 59 60 61 62 62 64 66
CHAPTER 5 How To Start Smoking The Brian McGee10-Box Method The First Cigarette The Second Cigarette The Third Cigarette The Fourth Cigarette The Fifth Cigarette The Sixth Cigarette The Seventh Cigarette The Eighth Cigarette The Ninth Cigarette The Tenth Cigarette
69 72 73 76 79 81 83 85 88 90 91 93
CHAPTER 7 Keeping Up The Habit Smoker ID Cut-out & Keep Alternative Labelling The Smoker’s Glossary Further Study
95 97 98 101 103 105
INTRODUCTION Giving up smoking is easy. Trust me, I’ve done it loads of times. But starting smoking? Well - that’s something you’re only ever going to do once. Luckily, you don’t have to do it alone. I’ve written this book as a helpful guide for all those people who want to take up the habit, but don’t know where to begin. Just by reading this introduction, you’re taking an important first step towards your eventual goal – embracing smoking as a hobby, pastime and lifestyle choice. But before we get to you, I’d like to take a moment to talk about me. Who is this guy, you’re asking, and what does he have to tell me about smoking? Well, my first qualification is that I’ve been a happy smoker for over twenty years! Ever since my first drag of a Capstan Full-Strength behind the bike sheds of Marlborough College, I’ve been enjoying all the benefits of smoking. I love everything about it: the sense of ceremony, the communal spirit, the taste, the smell and even the sound a cigarette makes as it’s being smoked. Throughout my smoking life, I’ve tried pretty much everything that the cigarette makers have to offer, from the sophisticated charm of the Sobranie to the rugged good humour of Old Holborn roll-ups. And let me tell you, I’ve enjoyed every puff I’ve had, from the first drag to the final hit. I’m a complete addict and I make no apology for it. As well as being a smoker in my private life, I also run seminars up and down the country about tobacco and nicotine-related products, informing people all about the joys of the noble weed. Now, for those of you wondering – no, I’m not paid by the tobacco companies to do this.1 My love of cigarettes is entirely my own and
How To Start Smoking
nothing makes me happier than to see people’s faces light up as they enjoy a smooth, satisfying drag on a fag. So if you’re looking to become one of us then read on, and let me take you point-by-point through the reasons why there’s absolutely no reason for you not to pick up a ciggie and spark it right away! Give us a light,
1
Although if there are any tobacco company executives reading this, I wouldn’t be adverse to a bit of sponsorship for my next book “Cough Up – Why We Should All Pay More For Cigarettes”.
CHAPTER 1 “Why Should I Smoke?”
How To Start Smoking
The simple answer is this: Because smokers are a dying breed. Like all hobbies or lifestyles, smoking constantly requires a new influx of participants to keep it fresh. What sets smoking apart from line-dancing, or model railway building is the constant reduction of numbers intrinsic to the process. There are several factors that contribute to this decline in the number of smokers, but let’s deal with the big one first.
SMOKERS DIE There, we said it. If you were expecting that we’d somehow shilly-shally around the health risks involved in smoking, well, you’re wrong. Smoking cigarettes is bad for your health. It’s been proven that smokers are massively more at risk from lung cancer, emphysema, heart disease, respiratory problems, high blood pressure and many, many more serious health problems that we don’t have time to go into here. There’s no avoiding it – smoking will seriously increase your chances of a premature death. It’s bad for you. It does bad things to your body. And no matter how much we may enjoy smoking and no matter great we look while doing it, there’s one inescapable fact that haunts every smoker: You can’t smoke when you’re dead. Harsh, but true.
Chapter 1 - Why Should I Smoke?
As well as being an individual bummer, the death of a smoker reduces by one the collective number of people who smoke. The more people that die from smoking, the less smokers there are, and as the numbers get reduced, so too do the rights and freedoms of smokers. In order to preserve these liberties, it is imperative that virgin lungs join the fold every day. If people didn’t start smoking, then it would only be a matter of time before all the smokers died and there would be no smoking at all! And if smoking goes – what’s next? Alcohol? Are all the pubs going to close down? What about chocolate, or sex, or sports or any number of other things that we as adults enjoy as our privilege? Well, I say ‘no way Jose!’ Somebody’s got to stand up for the cause. Somebody’s got to make the sacrifice in order to protect our freedoms. And you know what? I think that you are that person. That’s right. You. So, you’re a really important person. The fact that you’re even thinking about starting smoking elevates you above your average joe on the street. You’re a little bit dangerous, a little bit crazy, but you’ve got principles. You’re willing to fight for a cause, even if that cause is futile and self-destructive. Pat yourself on the back. You deserve it.
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How To Start Smoking
SMOKERS QUIT Nothing angers me more than an ex-smoker. To think that somebody could give up this wonderful habit simply for the minor benefits of greater lung-capacity, increased life-span and a working sense of smell simply makes my blood boil. But – hey! – it’s all about personal choice, right? If I’m going to defend my right to smoke, then I’ve got to defend another man’s right not to smoke, don’t I? BOLLOCKS. If I do that, then they’ve got me. Non-smokers are always looking to put one over on smokers and exsmokers are the worst. It’s been said before that there’s no worse zealot than a converted zealot and that’s more true for smoking than for anything else on the planet. Born-again Christians, reformed alcoholics and Communists turned Nazis – not one of them hold their beliefs with the same conviction as an ex-smoker. Having given up the habit, they take it upon themselves to try and inflict self-righteous misery upon those still enjoying it. It’s not enough that they’ve forsaken the holy smoke – they seem to think it’s their mission to spread the gospel of a smoke-free life. Well, two can play at that game. If it weren’t for the bloody-minded attitude of ex-smokers, I might not feel so inclined to drive up and down the country trying to convince people to either take up the habit for the first time, or begin it anew. I’ve got my work cut out for me, as every smoker is bombarded with messages to give up smoking. Messages? Or orders?
Chapter 1 - Why Should I Smoke?
11
Who exactly benefits from all this anti-smoking propaganda? Smug, self-satisfied wankers, that’s who. Because almost every ex-smoker delights in the opportunity to look down on those who still partake. (There are exceptions to this, but in my experience libertarian ex-smokers are few and far between.) They’ll either tell you how easy it was giving up, or go on at length about how hard it was. They’ll run through the methods – the patches, the gum, the hypnosis tapes and the badly-written self-help books. And if you try telling them that smoking is your choice, they’ll go “I know, but you really should give up.” Well, fuck ‘em. Smoke just to piss them off. Nothing defeats their argument more effectively than a fresh plume of cigarette smoke to the face. And if they do that irritating, fake “cough-cough” then you have my permission to stub your cigarette out on their arm. Firm but fair.
How To Start Smoking
12
SMOKERS ARE VICTIMISED It’s true. No other section of the community is as vilified and ostracised as us smokers. We contribute billions to the economy through the tax on our cigarettes and what does the government give us in return? A total ban on smoking in public places. Well, thank you very much. Thanks to the legislation, smokers are now forced to flee into ghettos if they are to avoid the persecution of their elected representatives. It’s the first step towards tyranny and it brings to mind a famous quotation. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Edmund Burke You’re a good person. Are you going to do nothing while a power-crazed government persecutes a section of the population? Or are you going to join the fight, stand up for the oppressed and halt the onward march of dictatorship? Joining the revolution has never been easier. Just spark up, breathe in and blow out. Together, we can fight against the oppressor and stand up for the victims of discrimination. By smoking cigarettes you’re making a statement about the common man and speaking up for those that do not have a voice. Viva la revolucion!
Chapter 1 - Why Should I Smoke?
13
SMOKERS ARE STUPID It’s true. We must be stupid to continually spend our money on these things that are so bad for us and turn us into pariahs. Surely no sensible person would so wilfully contribute to their own slow-burn suicide. Whether it’s down to some deep-seated self-loathing, some desperate urge for self destruction or just plain, old-fashioned idiocy, we’re all colluding in our own personal armageddon. The key word there is personal. You see, the twentyfirst century is a dangerous place, with threats looming from all sides. We’re being manipulated into a constant state of fear, whether it’s due to terrorist bombings, food scares or the impending environmental meltdown. These days, there is always something to be alarmed about and the worst part is that all of these things are so totally out of our control. Our mortality is now based upon abstract fears of which we have no understanding, let alone guidance. Is that how you want to live your life? Don’t you want to have some kind of influence over your destiny? Well, cigarettes give you that measure of control, allowing you to reclaim some say in your fate. By smoking, you’re saying: I understand the risks and accept the consequences and by this small measure I am becoming master of my own destiny. Not so stupid after all.
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How To Start Smoking
...but none of these matter if you smoke That’s right. All those headings mean nothing if you’ve got a nice, tasty cigarette in your hands. You see, there will always be very good reasons not to smoke. I’ve done my best to show why these negatives are actually pluses, but in the end the primary reason you should smoke is this: Smoking is lovely. Don’t believe me? Well, aren’t you even a little bit intrigued as to why smoking produces such fervent admiration from those who partake in it? Isn’t there just a tiny iota of your consciousness that wonders what all the fuss is about? There is, isn’t there? Go on, you can admit it. Despite all the health warnings and all the very sensible reasons not to smoke, there’s a little part of you that’s longing to become one of us. I want you to nurture this small seed of curiosity, pamper it with all the love and attention it deserves. You know the saying about tiny acorns? Well, we’re going to take your little tobacco seed and grow it into a whole plantation of fun.
You can’t stop at just one... ...see what’s in the rest of the book! What Should I Smoke? When Should I Smoke? How Should I Smoke? Keeping up the habit & ‘Dr’ McGee’s 10-box method for novices !
Photo: Geierunited
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“Giving up smoking is easy. Trust me - I’ve done it loads of times. But starting smoking? Well, that’s something you’re only ever going to do once...” In this entertaining and informative guide, renowned motivational smoker ‘Dr.’ Brian McGee educates you in a habit that will alter, enhance and possibly end your life. Learn the secrets of successful smoking, including: How, why, what and when to smoke Expert tips on inhalation, exhalation, lighting up and stubbing out The rules of ashtray etiquette A critical examination of cigarette brands and what they say about you as a person And ‘Dr.’ McGee’s 10-Box Method, a comprehensive course that takes you step by step through your first packet of cigarettes So don’t delay - light up today!
About The Author
Brian McGee does not hold a PhD. nor is he licenced to practise medicine. ‘Dr’. is a nickname given to him because of his illegible handwriting.