Women Beyond Forty - 7th Edition - Soul Garden by wb40

Issue 7

Cover Art - Arty Guava - Page 28

WB40 Magazine acknowledges the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin Nation upon whose lands we live, work and play. We pay our respects to Aboriginal elders past, present and emerging.

Magazine Issue No. 7

Soul Garden

30 Contents

Cover Artist

Career- Listen to your Inner Knowing

5 Ways to connect to yourself

Food - Crumpets

10 Books we are loving for Inner Calm

Fashion - Emerging from the Garden

Houseplants making a comeback

76 14

46 17

36 Features

Menopause Isn’t always to blame

Take Charge of your life

Always leave them laughing

Overcoming Trauma

Melissa Griffiths - A Hero for change

Poem - Loving a broken women

Empty Nest - Finding the Real you

“Never fall out of love with life.” Dame Judi Dench

WELCOME

elcome to the f irst edition of 2022! We are so excited to be bringing you a gorgeous edition of Wb40, f illed with articles inspired by the notion of a soul garden. As we start to emerge f rom the cocoon of the past 2 years navigating this global pandemic, we started thinking about how our souls have faded during this time. How do we tend our souls, as we tend gardens, or house plants? We explore these ideas through Issue 7, thinking about our careers, what we wear, what we eat, what we listen to and how we think can think about the world. In some ways this feels like a new life for so many of us, as we take tentative steps back into the world socialising, working beyond the conf ines of our homes, eating out, celebrating, and daring to tentatively think about holidays away. There’s no denying it’s a new dawn! It’s not as easy for some to emerge without some anxiety and we understand that too. We’ve had to learn to live, work and love differently over the past two years and it’s not always easy to change yet again. Still, change, as we know, is inevitable in life. It’s not always fun, but it can also be brilliant and life affirming. Without change, can we continue to grow? In the last two years, the world has learnt to adapt and to communicate in new ways! I’m sure most of us have been in a video meeting. In some ways though, this has made the world feel a little smaller, as we feel more connected with people interstate or overseas, knowing we are all in the same boat. The pandemic has allowed a lot of us to have more spare time, and to have thinking space about who we are and what we want in our lives. Wb40 was launched in the middle of a pandemic because of that extra time! I also learnt to care for house plants. Yes, I’m a plant-mama. Not bad for someone who previously would have struggled even to keep a cactus alive! I am loving chatting with incredible women on The Good Girl Confessional podcast, but I am also loving listening to some other wonderful podcasts. I’ve also had time to read some books and that’s been good for the soul. I’m so excited to share the articles and stories of some incredible women! It’s so brilliant to see our regular writers for Wb40, while also introducing some new women to our community, sharing their ideas and views with this wonderful community. The Wb40 Platform has undergone a fantastic and

exciting transformation! As we step into the second year, our team started thinking about how we can elevate this platform for you even further, while making the magazine – in both print and digital offerings – more viable. As an Independent femaleled Australian magazine that’s been an adventure! We’ve transformed the platform to a much easier subscription model which will allow us to provide more content and create more opportunities. Bring you good content is what drives us every day! So, we’re proud to launch Wb40 eXtra. You can find out all about the eXtra on the Wb40 website. Here in Melbourne, we’ve had quite a hot summer and it’s been unusually humid and tropical. I hope as you read this, wherever you are in the world, that this issue of the magazine brings you a sense of warmth. Thank you for your beautiful support.

x y d San 9

acknowlegements

The Team

Pay it forward

Founder | Creative Director | Editor

Are you a charity or a not-for-profit supporting

Sandy Lowres- She/Her

women and girls, and need more exposure,

Design & Layout

donations or volunteers?

Sandy Lowres Michael Smedley - He/Him

Wb40 Magazine is committed to giving away

Food Editor

free ad space to such organisations.

Sandra Reynolds -She/Her

completely free. We believe that your invaluable

Fashion Editor

work for women should be supported. This is

Nikki Hind - She/Her

our way of paying it forward.

This is

Career Columnist Amalia Chillianis - She/Her

For this edition we proudly support:

Advertising Michael Smedley | Sandy Lowres

The Kala Space

Social Media Debbie Larsen - She/Her Editor

info@wb40.com.au

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Thankyou

Recycled Paper

Chilly Towel

Digital Printing:

Am.pm communications

https://chillytowel.com.au/ Happy Pause https://happypause.com.au/ COPYRIGHT © 2021 All rights reserved. This publication or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means — electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise — without prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by Australian copyright law. The opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily the opinions of the Publisher. WB40 is an independent magazine published bi monthly by:

WB40 PO Box 8 Altona Vic 3018 ABN: 658 766 98304

ISSN: 2652-9556 (Print) ISSN: 2652-9564 (Online)

We thank the writers who have shared their talent for both the Wb40 Magazine & for our website - wb40.com

Amalia Chillianis

Sandy Lowres

Sandra Reynolds

Susan Jarvis

Donita Richards

Donna Cameron

Simonne Michelle

Sandy Davies

Annette Densham

Want to write or contribute for wb40? Head to the website for more details - https://wb40.com

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Dear Women Beyond Forty

info@wb40.com.au

Dear Women Beyond Forty Drop us a letter or DM us about what you’re enjoying about the Wb40 Platform for your chance to win a signed copy of Kerri Sackville’s new book The Life Changing Magic of A Little Bit of Mess! Editors Choice Letter

Dear Wb40, I f irst saw your magazine on a friend’s

Rosa’s (Rosa Carrafa) article was so

Congratulations to Kylie H from

coffee table and just fell in love

sad but also gave me hope as we

Auckland. You email was picked

with the amazing covers, so I bought

continue to heal.

as our Editor’s Choice! She is the

them for myself. I love the

recipient of a 12 month Digital

different art you have chosen, and

Geena

subscription to Wb40 – Women

I’ve now discovered new artists to

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Beyond Forty

follow! I’m really enjoying the articles

Dear Wb40,

too. It’s so refreshing to read about

Dear Wb40,

things I can relate to.

I am loving the magazine! I started with the digital version but now I’m

Where have you been all my life?

Maureen K.

buying the mag in print.

Thank

Brisbane

The covers are so beautiful. I laughed

you

for

sharing

honest

articles like the one about arousal

at the half-arsed parenting (Susie

(by Susan Jarvis). I thought when

Dear Wb40,

I was peri-menopausal that my

Thanks

Christmas

(Stop Worrying about the crumbs in

sex life was over, never to be seen

edition in December. I really enjoyed

the icing – Lou Duggan). This is my

again. Seeing a GP really helped

the

grandparenting style!

me to sort things out, and articles

f rom Christmas recipes to dealing

It’s

like this make me feel like I’m not

with grief. This year we celebrated

encouraging others to not sweat the

the only one going through it.

Christmas for the f irst time without

small stuff. Sometimes we take life

my mum as she passed away a few

too seriously and put a lot of pressure

Kylie H.

months before, so it was timely to be

on ourselves.

Auckland, New Zealand

reading about grief.

for

mix

O’Brien) and the cake article the

lovely

articles.

Everything

good

see

women

Donna J. Adelaide

Thanks so much for everyone who sent us your thoughts! We love and appreciate your feedback! Email us at: info@wb40.com.au | Add ‘Letter to the Editor’ in the Subject line

Menopause Isn’t Always to

Blame BY SANDY DAVIES Another sleepless night. Argh! Did you know as well as sleeplessness, there are an additional thirty-three menopause symptoms that can impact our daily life? You have got to be bloody well kidding me: 34 symptoms. Give us strength! Sleepless nights. Hot flushes. Night sweats. Vaginal dryness. Irritability. Irregular periods until we f inally hit that one day called menopause which marks twelve months of no menstrual cycles and transitions us from peri-menopause to postmenopause. Loss of libido, for which I’m thankful Susan the Maven has written about in WB40. Mood swings. Fatigue. Hair loss. Brainfog. Memory lapses. Dizziness. Weight gain. Incontinence. Bloating. New allergies. Brittle nails. Body odour. Irregular heartbeat. Depression. Newfound anxiety. Panic. Breast pain. Headaches. Joint pain (don’t even get me started on my menopausal knee). Burning tongue. Electric shocks. Tingling. Digestive problems. Gum issues. Muscle tension. Itchy Skin. And, lastly, osteoporosis. Not a competition, but I’ll bet you 14

surprised yourself with how many symptoms you mentally ticked as you read through all thirty-four symptoms. My most recent sleepless night reminded me of a powerful lesson: yes, we can encounter all of the above symptoms as a part of menopause. However, menopause isn’t always to blame. This sleepless night was directly caused by someone doing something hinky which didn’t sit right with me. How often do we tell our kids, our team members and people we care about to listen to their intuition and follow their gut, yet toss and turn before heeding our own advice? I struggled with a number of other symptoms during perimenopause, but not sleeplessness until about midway through peri. Suddenly I was tossing and turning 3-4 nights a week. The sleep disturbance got me down. I became resolute to my new normal. I was so focused on accepting it as a part of

perimenopause; it never occurred to me to take into account other life factors beyond menopause. After almost two years of enduring the cycle of sleepless nights, the bullying boss I was working under took her maliciousness one step too far and caused deplorable harm to a beautiful soul. I walked away in solidarity… and slept like a baby. Menopause had gotten the blame, when in truth my sleeplessness was my intuition having a hissy fit because I didn’t head her advice. If I hadn’t been so busy blaming menopause, I would have acted sooner. Don’t let yourself become captive to the list of symptoms. Sometimes life is the cause, not menopause. Truth bomb on another symptom: a little bit of my extra weight gain is from my own over indulgence and NOT menopause. I’ve had my fair share of hormonal meltdowns caused by that dreaded symptom of mood swings. But sometimes it can be because of crap moments that would have hurt in your twenties or thirties just the same as in the era of menopause. Take, for instance, one of my recent outbursts in a moment of vulnerability which I share as a reminder that when it happens to you, you are not alone: “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I want My Mommy!” I felt like a six year old. True. Those are the words this grown arse fifty-something woman cried into the arms of her husband after a defeating business blow.

I had been slated to speak at our little sugarcane town’s Women’s Health Expo and got dropped for a bigger name. It was the climax in a week of rejections. A wellness hamper knocked my product back because my brand was ‘not yet familiar enough and an unknown would prevent sales’. A podcaster cancelled our chat because of my age stating she ‘preferred femtrepreneurs at the start of their journey not the end’. The snub by the local ladies after a week of blows tipped me over the edge. Luckily my husband didn’t choose that moment to question whether hormones contributed to my tears, he simply held me in his arms and let them flow. I wanted my mum back here on earth so much in that overwhelming moment of defeat. We all fall down, we all have moments of rejection, we all cry, but we define ourselves in the moment of getting back up, regardless of age. “Everyone has to deal with tough times. A gold medal doesn’t make you immune to that. “A skater is used to falling down and getting up again.” - Dorothy Hamill, 1976 Olympic Champion When you, too, find yourself wailing, whether it is hormone induced or not, cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a giant hug. Acknowledge all you’ve accomplished and how far you’ve come. And whether one of those pesky menopausal symptoms is to blame or not, put your skates back on and get up like an Olympian; you’ve got this.

About the writer Sandy Davies is the founder of HappyPause™ and is dedicated to helping women get their groove back during peri/menopause. Sandy loves her age and celebrated turning 50 by popping the cork of a different champagne each week in the fifty weeks leading up to the big 5-0 with women who had made a difference in her life. It doesn’t have to be champagne, but Sandy encourages wb40 readers to celebrate the milestones of 40, 50, 60, 70 and beyond with wild abandon. happypause.com.au | l @happypause_menopause

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Take charge of your Life BY SUSAN JARVIS

any years ago, I was going through

his family and he had a heart of gold. We talked

post-

about our differences many times and we knew his

divorce relationship. I had come to the

greatness wasn’t matched with my greatness

troubled

patch

realisation that the differences between

which is a love of science, nature, literature

me and my partner could not

and people (and sex!). For many years I hid

be resolved. His outlook on life

my greatness to love him as best as I could.

was to live on the couch with no

I couldn’t f ight it anymore, so I didn’t.

interest in cultural experiences or intellectual development. Mine

After we went our ways, I spent nearly two

was the opposite. This quote is

years on my own (of course with a lover

something I wrote on my Facebook

here and there) and I worked through

all those years ago.

an understanding of my nature. I made a commitment to myself that I would never

“Why f ight it? I’m going to give into my greatness.”

stand in the dark again holding back my greatness.

For a very long time, I struggled with my inability to truly love this person for who they were. In the end, I realised that again, just like in my

You know, undoing my sexual inhibitions has a lot to do with embracing my greatness.

marriage, I was denying my true self and not allowing my

Acknowledging that I am bi-sexual shifted a weight of

greatness to prosper and grow. “What is this pattern?” I

shame and I have to believe has lightened my step too.

asked myself. So, here I am today. Giving in to my greatness (on all Some may think I’m arrogant saying ‘my greatness’,

levels) and I have the most wonderful life. I have found

you’ve got it wrong. My partner was living his greatness,

my passion as The Maven, a sexual conf idante for those

he loved his cars (he was a mechanical savant!); he loved

who need a trusted guide. I have grown and experienced

things I never thought I would do. I have not denied myself from watching the movie that I want to watch or missed out on a play because my partner didn’t want to go. I am standing in my own light and my partner stands in his, and it is great.

If you are struggling to step into your greatness here are my tips to find your own light.

Write. Keep a journal to write about your feelings and pour your heart and soul into that journal as if no one is ever going to read it (keep it secret, keep it safe).

Reflect. Take a good, hard and long look at yourself. Who are you? What do you really want out of life? For me, I wanted to live a life full of passion, joy and gratitude. Remembering that passion translates not just to sex, it’s taking the time to revel in the experience. For me, one of my greatest unfulfilled joys was visiting galleries and museums and looking deeply at artworks, wondering what the artist was feeling. I remember seeing an unfinished piece by Norman Lindsay. I was struck by how beautiful it was and feelings of deep sadness that it will never be completed. I wondered what took him away f rom finishing that work.

Stop the bullshit. Just stop bullshitting yourself and others that your life is fantastic. I hid behind a facade of a fake smile for many, many years. It took its toll on my body and my mental health. I should have ended my marriage years before I did and staying that long took its toll. Whatever

your biggest problem is in your life today, you need to

don’t have to f ight it anymore. Are you f ighting against

resolve it and resolve it now. As the saying goes, where

yours? Have you made signif icant changes to your life?

there is a will, there is a way.

I now live the life I want because I decided to take charge of who I want to be and what I want to have in my life.

Thank the Universe. We are all connected.

Oh, and because I’ve taken charge of my life and who

I used to be a Catholic until I hit high school and then

I am, I approach my sexuality with renewed vigour and

learned about Evolution. WTF?? No one EVER told me

commitment to remain sexual until I die.

about that!! I felt betrayed. For many years I lived without a spirituality until shortly after my marriage ended I came across a book called ‘The Unmistakable Touch of Grace’ by Cheryl Richardson and I felt like someone had given me a compass to set a new direction in my life. I now know that the Universe conspires to bring me favour, it does for you too.

Remain true to You. Being true to myself by always communicating my

“Your Personal empowerment is realised by making the decision to be true to yourself and allowing yourself to explore your sexuality.”

needs with my partner. It’s not easy, you can’t help but feel a bit precious - though I think we are all conditioned to feel that way. When I say ‘communicate my needs’ I’m not saying ‘I wanna’ or ‘give me this’, I open up to him so that I can balance my thinking. We talk, we strive to understand and we accept each other. I have smashed my habit of living my life for others’ values and choices and broken the pattern of ‘settling’ for someone whose greatness does not compliment my own. So, keeping my greatness comes naturally to me now. I

About the Writer Susan Jarvis, The Maven, is a positive sex advocate for ageless sexuality and is the owner of The Spicy Boudoir, an online sexual health and wellness store celebrating the sexuality of people over 50 and people living with a disability. Susan is also the host of The Maven’s Private Diaries podcast, available on Spotify and many good listening apps. https://www.thespicyboudoir.com/ 19

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ANNETTE DENSHAM

Always Leave them laughing M

y Nan used to roll out the saying ‘you can’t teach

we are caught between Baby Boomers and Gen Z

an old dog new tricks’ when I would ask her

children, gone from black and white tellies, to being

to do something new with me or help me with my

attached at the fingertips to our phones as we wiz our

homework. As a kid, I thought there was something

way through online banking, dating and networking.

she wasn’t telling me about our family ancestry. Aside

We are the quintessential rebuff to this dogged refrain.

from being born in the year of the dog, I could see no resemblance to the canine species.

Now I’m the same age as my Nan when she would blame her age for not learning anything new. I am

As I hit my teens, I realised she meant older people

pleased to report my generational peers are all over

(she was in her 50s when she spout this pearler) are

learning new things. Forced by the events of the past

set in their ways and incapable of learning new things.

few years, the rapid advances in technology, growth

Granted, I do see many of my peers unable to set up

in entrepreneurial ventures, and the ever increasing

Netflix or transfer their data to their new phone but

divorce rate, us Gen Xers are constantly learning new

my generation - Gen X - is giving a big middle finger

ways to do things, every single day.

to the saying. Also known as the sandwich generation, 24

This is why when an ad came up in my

learn new tricks) and a growth mindset (moi).

Facebook feed for a comedy course with

Dr Dweck says it’s not just our abilities and

the incredibly funny Fiona McGary, I signed

talent that bring us success but the mindset

up without thinking. Just forked out my few

in which we approach life. She describes the

hundred dollars and jumped in. ‘Why not,’ I

underlying beliefs people have about learning

thought. ‘How hard can it be to make people

and intelligence. What it really comes down

laugh? I do it all the time.’

to is not getting caught in being a stodgy old person who thinks they have to stay the way

I found it is not as easy as being the class

they are. We know so much more about the

clown or flicking off snappy, witty, sarcastic

brain than in my Nan’s day. I am sure if she

one liners.

knew her brain was plastic and toast crusts; mixing up her preferred medium for her art

You may ask what would drive a middle aged

work.

(and at the time, obese) woman to get up on stage to share her innermost thoughts on

Our brains are plastic, people. This means we,

the world, with the intention to make people

at any given moment in time, can change.

laugh? Good question! I sometimes still ask

We can take what we know and build on it,

myself that as my hands and legs shake like

learning, growing, adapting. It gives us the

a wobbly tummy on a vibration machine and

freedom to do new things, to step out of our

my stomach churns like an ocean belted by a

comfort zones and be more than we were

massive storm.

yesterday.

I did it because I didn’t want to get too

This is how I approached comedy. Even

comfortable in my middle years. I had

though it scared the literal shit out of me (I did

achieved a modicum of success in business,

spend some time in the loo before the course

having built a bespoke PR agency and started

started, especially after Fiona told us we had

a company with my partner in shine, Lauren

to do a graduation show), I still did it. Because

Clemett. While we are not rich (hard to be rich

I wanted to grow and to keep my brain active.

in a country that doesn’t see raising children as worthy of acknowledgment or payment of

Now, I know I am funny. In certain situations

super - good thing I had weight loss surgery; I

I am fucking hilarious. Just ask me. I have

won’t need to eat much when I retire), we are

a quick mind. I see the world through a

comfortable. We can afford to go on holidays,

darkly facetious lens. I am quick with a witty

eat out and jump around at concerts like we

comment. I drop snappy one-liners like my

are still 18. The point is life was good. After

kids pop up TikTok videos. I was always being

a childhood of chaos and pain, I had finally

told I am funny. By doing Fiona’s course, I

reached a place in my life where things were

wanted to learn how to be deliberately funny.

getting easier.

I wanted to learn how to take life’s normal, everyday happenings and shine the light on

There is a great book by Dr Carol Dweck

the ridiculousness and topics people do not

Mindset:

normally joke about.

Changing

The

Way

You

Think

To Fulf ill Your Potential. It delves into the difference between people who have a fixed

It has been over four years since I did

mindset (they are your old dogs who can’t

Fiona’s course and I can say hand on 25

heart, it was one of the best things I did for my

dominated by men - I will often be the only woman

confidence and self view, (and the incontinence

at an open mic. And gigs are hotly contested. Whilst

industry). After I hopped off the stage for my

COVID got in the way of me honing my new skill, I have

graduation performance, buzzing f rom the adrenaline

jumped back into it in 2022. At the ripe old age of 52, I

(even though two hours earlier I was plotting a range

am only getting started. Even though I still nervously

of reasons not to show up - how many times can your

wee prior to every gig. I still mentally conjure weird

mum die?)I was signing up for open mic spots. These

and wonderful reasons to not go. Once I hit that stage,

spots are highly coveted and my heart would thump

I love it. I am not the best comedian out there; I am

every week when I called to see if I could secure a

still finding my style but I am glad this old dog is not

gig. I would travel hours to do one f ive minute spot

on her way to pound. I embrace learning new tricks. I

but I relished the experience and the ongoing drive

revel in being uncomfortable. It means I am alive and

to continue to learn more, be better and master this

looking to the future.

craft that doesn’t pay but costs me money every time in petrol, beer and burgers.

Do something that scares you. Not only will it get your heart pounding and give you a good clear out, it will

It is a cut throat industry where feedback f rom more

prove to yourself you are capable and talented, and

experienced comedians is sparse. It is an industry still

life can still surprise you.

About the Writer With a background in journalism, Annette Densham is an award-winning PR specialist, and the co-founder of the Audacious Agency, and is an Awards Specialist helping businesses to shine. https://theaudaciousagency.com/

50 Lygon Street Brunswick East

The Kala Space is the latest initiative from The National Homeless Collective. In our Op Shop we employ women who are: 1. Escaping Domestic Abuse 2. Recently escaped Homelessness 3. Experiencing Homelessness 4. At risk of Homelessness.

To Support the vital work of The Kala Space,

Please visit our shop, or donate at

www.nhcollective.com.au

Cover Artist

Joyce Lay Hoon Ho aka Arty Guava

https://artyguava.com/

Illustrator and graphic designer, Joyce Lay Hoon

“Harmony. It is really important to me that everything

Ho—aka Arty Guava—lives and works in Vancouver.

exists in harmony. People living in harmony with

Memories of her childhood in Malaysia, nature,

each other, people living in harmony with nature,

and dance are just a few sources of inspiration

people living in harmony with the environment—

recognisable

people being in harmony with themselves.” - arty

throughout

her

work.

Featuring

vibrant flowers, celebratory poses, and animals

guava

moving freely through the wild, her joyful designs are sprinkled with a hint of fantasy and convey a buoyant lust for life.

Cover art: Same same but different © Joyce Lay Hoon.

Overcoming trauma on the path to success BY DONITA RICHARDS I’ve wanted to be a high school English teacher for as long as I can remember. When my first son was born, I even completed the f irst year of a teaching degree. I was excited about showing young people the power of words and how to use them. But, during my course, at the back of my mind was a constant niggle, a ceaseless voice telling me I’d be a crap teacher. The kids won’t listen to you; why would they? You’re useless, it’d say. I heard this voice and scurried away f rom my degree and back into the hole I’d come from. What was the point in trying to succeed when I would only fail anyway? It wasn’t the f irst time I’d bolted, though – In 1998, I ran f rom photography studies (I wasn’t a real artist), I sprinted f rom the idea of journalism in the year 2000 (could I actually write?). I escaped from eco-tourism in 2002 (not brave enough), and in doing so, I pushed myself so far away f rom my dreams that all I could do was something within self-imposed limitations. My self-worth was so low, and the voice inside my head had so much power that I sometimes felt as though I didn’t exist. It took me a while to realise I wasn’t the voice inside my head and even longer to understand that I didn’t have to listen to it.

Most of us run head-on into past traumas at some stage

segregated from my community. My house was broken

in our lives – which was what happened to me. I’d bottled

into; my face was scratched intentionally from my year-

down my pain so far and screwed the lid on so tightly that

eight high-school photo. For at least two years, I was

it was 25 years before I found the strength and then the

scared to leave my house. Stories were told about me,

support to share my experience.

and I felt helpless to defend myself. My voice was stifled, my opinions of no consequence. The foundations of my

Life Coach, Sammie Fleming, works predominately

contract with my hometown toppled over, and I felt the

with women and understands the value of sharing

entire place was against me.

our vulnerable truths in a safe space. She says, ‘We’re conditioned to measure our worth on external factors,

From then on, in my mind, I was useless, stupid, and never

which can lead to poor self-belief. But sharing our

going to do anything of meaning with my life. I was ugly

experiences with others in the right environment breaks

and fat and not worthy of praise or adoration. Not a person

down barriers, and we see we’re not alone with our pain,

anyone would want to know, let alone be friends with.

and that can lead to healing.’

If you’ve known me over the past twenty-five years, you might think that’s not Donita; she’s confident and bubbly

For me, the trauma I endured was teenage bullying. After

and a great friend. Well, I’m here to tell you that on the

what seemed to be an innocent social error on my behalf,

surface, I believe that too, but the inside of my head was

a group of f riends went from being by my side one minute

telling me very different things.

to mortal enemies the next. The anger they felt and the abuse that I endured was matched in intensity – only they

The trauma I suffered on account of teenage bullying

had a large group with whom to share the rage, and I was

presented itself as depression and anxiety masked only by

left alone to survive as a teenage outcast for the best part

the endless partying of my twenties and having children

of a year. A year it may have been, but the pain has lasted

in my thirties. It’s easy to ignore yourself when you’re busy

a lifetime.

doing and being for others.

You see, my simple mistake was to tell a mother where

But here’s the thing, as soon as my youngest of three boys

her daughter was one night when she was at a friend’s

turned four, no longer attached to me twenty-four hours

house. She asked for the phone number for the house, so

a day, I started to re-enter the world. I put my head out

I gave it to her. That was it.

like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis, and I felt a fire

I was threatened, stalked, physically abused, isolated, and

in my belly for improving the way we communicate.

“For me, the trauma I

Victims of childhood bullying often carry trauma with

endured was teenage bullying. After what seemed to be an innocent social error on my behalf, a group of friends went from being by my side one minute to mortal enemies

them well into adulthood. It might only be when pushed

the next.”

or more often (considered to be frequent) in a national

that we’re brave enough to open old wounds and examine what happened to us and how it shaped who we became. Although I’ve felt alone in my pain, I realise now I’m not the only one who suffered bullying as a teen. According to

https://www.bullyzero.org.au/statistics-and-figures,

approximately one in four Year 4 to Year 9 Australian students (27%) reported being bullied every few weeks study in 2009.

According to the Australian Covert Bullying Prevalence For Melbourne-based photographer Kyla-Jane Rickard,

Study (ACBPS) (2009), Peers are present as onlookers in

the antithesis of being bullied was empathy.

85% of bullying interactions and play a central role in the bullying process. The rejection Kyla-Jane felt from her

After a safe and happy primary education, Kyla-Jane’s

peers and best friend spawned a desire to help others who

transition to high school was anything but smooth. In Year

were rejected. She gained an appreciation for friendships

7, she found herself being ostracised by her close friends,

that can come from less likely places, including others

often becoming the butt of their jokes and even suffering

who had been bullied themselves or were less popular in

physical torment. One lunchtime, she was tied to a fence

the school ecosystem.

by her school jumper and taunted by children she used to ‘The shame of having no friends, the exhaustion of having no friends, that was really the marker and where I knew I had to do things differently. I realised that people were capable of doing mean things to others for their own selfinterest; it wasn’t really because of you. It was because of their desire to thrive socially,’ says Kyla-Jane. Victims of bullying can spend years minimising or dismissing what happened or even pretending it didn’t happen at all. Or, they surrender to feelings of shame, guilt, or self-blame, believing the bullying would not have happened if they had been different or tried harder. Renee Irvine – a naturopath from Melbourne’s western suburbs – grew up in Newcastle, NSW, where the bullying started much earlier in life. From Grade 2, Renee was targeted for being different. She was picked on for her looks, called fat and ugly, and by Grade 6, had an established eating disorder. ‘Pretty much the whole school was calling me by a certain name,’ says Renee. ‘I was so uncomfortable in myself that I wasn’t really great with people socially.’ call her f riends. Her ‘best friend’ looked on helplessly yet

The bullying continued throughout high school, and

didn’t come to her aid for fear of being rejected herself.

throughout years eight and nine, Renee even had

Kyla-Jane was left there long after the bell had sounded

thoughts of suicide. But then, in Year 10, everything

and had to beg someone to come back and untie her.

seemed to change. Perhaps it was the development of maturity among her peers, or they suddenly realised it

‘Friends, for the most part, did not support me through

was ‘cool’ to be an individual – whatever the case, Renee

this, and the f riends that I expected to still show their

finally had space to breathe.

f riendship for me did not, so there was sort of like this silent bullying,’ says Kyla-Jane.

However, after a long time of suffering torment, Renee’s self-worth had diminished, she had poor social skills,

and she was diagnosed with body dysmorphia. By 18,

out. Kyla-Jane’s work as a photographer means she

Renee understood that she needed therapy and had the

supports people to see their own beauty, uniqueness, and

foresight to seek out professional advice, and has done so

power, and it’s enabled her to look laterally in life, to keep

ever since.

an eye out for those who might be silently struggling, and to value the voices of others. For Kyla-Jane, it’s as much

Child Psychologist, Sandhya Menon from Onwards and

about shining a light on injustices as empowering people

Upwards Psychology says, ‘Bullying is all about power

to see themselves.

play. It is a battle of dominance. As a psychologist, it brings to mind the Man Behind the Curtain from the Wizard of

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I

Oz. The ones who need to be louder and bigger are the

hadn’t told that mother where her daughter was. If I had

ones who are often little and small on the inside, needing

lied, would I still be friends with any of those girls? Would I

a win. In real life as in the movie, as a child, we should “pay

have been happy to stay in that small town? Would I have

no attention to the Man Behind the Curtain”. However,

had the same opportunities? Would I have travelled?

it is my hope that the bullies are emotionally supported

Would I be so obsessed now with how we communicate

to deal with their own issues with adult recognition and

and how to improve our society if it hadn’t been for my

support.’

monumental fuck up? Probably not, but it takes time to find the confidence to deal with the things that haunt us

Although treated poorly by her peers, Renee knew that she

from our youth, and I guess with hindsight, I’m grateful

was a natural carer of people, and regardless of the pain

it’s taken this long because now I have the wisdom to

they’d caused her, she found herself studying nutrition

handle it.

and understanding how our mind, body, and spirit are connected. She found ways to help heal those who have

March 18, 2022 - March 19, 2022

been in her position and those who have inflicted trauma

The National Day of Action against Bullying and Violence

on others. Becoming a health professional is her way of

is an Australian government initiative for Australian

making positive changes to our world.

schools to highlight their efforts to counter bullying and violence.

In each example I’ve mentioned here, mine, Kyla-Jane’s, and Renee’s, the traumas we endured have somehow

Know someone who needs help?

led us to become the people we are today. I work in

The Bully Project

communications now, and I help other women see

help/

themselves (for the beautiful humans they are) by putting

Kids Helpline: 1800551800

- https://thebullyproject.com.au/get-

their business visions into words. Renee’s naturopathy practice enables her to help others heal from the inside

About the Writer Donita Richards is a Melbourne-based freelance copywriter, copy editor, and proof reader who works with small to medium-sized businesses and indie authors. She is also the founder and director of Mighty Writing Co, and Is proudly leading a team of well-informed writers and creatives who are helping people like you to put their thoughts to words. https://www.mightywritingco.com.au/ 34

LAUNCHING

23 03 22 Day

us b y P

Year

Sandy L

res ow

Alex the Seal

Month

A PODCAST ABOUT MUSIC & NOSTALGIA

Listen to your inner knowing

What to do when you know your work isn't right, but you don’t know what is. BY AMALIA CHILIANIS

oes the voice inside your head tell you that the

you act. Therefore, we need to quieten this voice to

work you are doing isn’t right for you? Does that

find the clarity we seek, and mindfulness does this by

voice grow louder f rom week to week or go silent

bringing attention to one of your five senses: sight,

for a while and then come back strong and clear?

hearing, smell, taste or touch.

If you reflect on your working life so far, have you

With regular practice, mindfulness trains the

continued through a sense of obligation more than

mind to become better at focusing your attention. It

driven by passion? Often what keeps people stuck in

allows you to be present, in the here and now, and to

unsatisfying work, is figuring out what work will be

place a pause between your thoughts and actions.

more satisfying and rewarding.

While practicing mindfulness, thoughts will be present

When you are in the rinse and repeat cycle

and we learn how to notice them and to consciously

of unsatisfying work, it can be diff icult to get clarity

respond, rather than react. I enjoy meditation as a

on what to make a change to. This is why I always

way of achieving mindfulness. But you can achieve

recommend that if you know you want to make a

the benefits of mindfulness in a number of ways. Take

change, but don’t know what to, you need to pause.

something that you already do, a mundane chore

We don’t all have the luxury of a long time out of work

like washing the dishes. Instead of letting your mind

to “find ourselves” but the good news is you don’t

wander and think through your endless to-do list,

need to. Regularly carving time out for mindfulness

focus on the task. Check in with your senses, notice

will help you f ind the clarity you need and brings long

what you see, smell and feel. Your mind might wander

term benef its of increased creativity, cognitive and

and that is ok. Thank the thought for coming, and in

physical performance, focus, decision-making and

your mind push it to the side to address at another

wellbeing. Science has proven that, when practiced

time. Focus back on what you were doing.

regularly, mindfulness helps reduces your nerves,

If you don’t already meditate and are open to trying it, I recommend starting with a short, guided

anxiety and negative thoughts. focused

meditation from a free app. Insight Timer has the

attention. You may already reap the benefits of a

world’s largest free library of meditations and other

regular mindfulness practice, such as meditation. Or

resources. Even starting with five minutes and

you might be turned off by the term “mindfulness”

building up to a regular practice of ten to fifteen

and shudder at the thought of meditating, being still

minutes daily will deliver long-term benefits. As you

and paying attention to your thoughts. Meditation is

build your meditation practice, start incorporating

one scientif ically proven way to achieve the state of

visualisation. Visualising your next job, what it might

mindfulness, focused attention, but it is not the only

look and feel like. Notice what comes to you and after

way.

your meditation write down any details that come

Mindfulness

training

the

mind

for

We have all experienced that voice in our head

through. It may not come through as one single Aha

that is constantly chatting, telling you what to do,

moment, it may build over time. But it will bring a

think and feel. This can be described as your automatic

picture that gets clearer over time.

or default setting. Humans have over 6,000 thoughts

If meditation is still not for you, then there are

every day, this average of being interrupted every 14.4

other practices that can cultivate mindfulness (such

seconds is a constant distraction that hinders your

as yoga or tai chi) or, as suggested earlier, by simply

ability to focus, impacts how you feel and whether

incorporating focused attention into routine daily 37

actions, such as taking a shower, washing dishes, or

mindfulness to find clarity on what a successful change

savouring what you eat. Find something that works

will look like. You already have strengths, capabilities

for you and try it more than once. Sometimes these

and the ability to learn to make a successful change. A

practices can be uncomfortable at f irst, but over time,

mindfulness practice will not only point a way forward

the benef its that result transform it into an experience

to a brighter future it will also deliver many other

that you look forward to.

benefits to your wellbeing.

You don’t need to stay stuck in unsatisfying work. Use

"Success is liking yourself, liking what you do and how you do it" Maya Angelou

NEW BOOK OUT NOW!

W O R K - A - H O L I S T I C

By Amalia Chilianis Register via my website https://amaliachilianis.com Or email: amaliachilianis@gmail.com

About the Author

Amalia Chilianis is a coach with over 25 years of corporate experience. Shortly due to publish her first book outlining a holistic and science-based approach to changing careers and jobs. She is a courageous leader and an encourager of others who is determined that the next 20 years of work and life will be different 38

5 Ways to Re-Connect to yourself BY SANDY LOWRES It’s fair to say that many of us are feeling disconnected

constant anxiety (whether underlying or fervent),

from ourselves as we start to emerge back into

an unhealthy lifestyle, and emotional instability. The

the world f rom the global pandemic. It’s been a

more cut off we feel from our own inner selves, the

challenging couple of years for most. If you’re asking

more difficult it world. Feeling connected to ourselves

yourself if your relationship with yourself requires some

helps us to feel more can be to feel joy in the outside

work, a few common signs you may be disconnected

worthy, and more able to connect with others. It’s

are feelings of self-doubt, low self- conf idence, a

helps us to recognise that we are enough. Here are

harsh inner-voice, negative self-image, a pattern of

some ways that may be helpful in reconnecting to

dysfunctional relationships, lack of purpose in life,

your inner self.

Find Solitude

In a world full of noise, technology, stress and constant

all thoughts from your head; instead simply noticing

demands on our time and attention, sometimes it’s

the thoughts and letting them go can be enough.

so important to find moments of silence and solitude.

Silence doesn’t need to be about meditation either

Ideally it would be great to have an hour (or more) of

– it can just mean time out from social media, from

time out. Even five minutes each morning or night

family and friends, work and all the expectations on

to sit in silence and just be present can be helpful. As

your shoulders. Taking some time out by having a

someone who struggles to meditate for example, I’ve

bath, reading a good book or listening to music are

learnt that you don’t need to worry about emptying

all beneficial.

Create a morning ritual

When it feels like the world is too much, creating a morning ritual helps to make us feel more grounded. Showering, making your bed, eating breakfast, journaling or mediation are great examples of daily practices that can help us feel more connected to ourselves and our lives. The simple act of doing something every morning helps us to stay in the moment. Setting an intention for the day is also a benef icial practice. For example, making a conscious decision to have a good day can really help to bring positive vibes. If this seems strange to you, sometimes adopting a ‘fake it until you make’ attitude is helpful in shifting a negative mindset. If you f ind it’s tempting to start your day by scrolling though social media, changing up your daily practice to something more positive can make a big difference to your day.

Get moving

Over the last two years, a lot of people

movement as a form of self-love rather than a

have lost touch with the simple act of moving.

chore, moving can start to feel positive. Find a

Getting more active is important for both our

way to move that you enjoy. It could be walking

physical health and our mental wellbeing.

in nature, going to the gym, gardening, yoga or

Going for a walk each day, for example, has

martial arts. All movement is good movement!

proven health effects but is useful for clearing

If moving daily is still feeling foreign, it’s okay to

our mind of all the noise! If we start to view

start slow and build up!

Affirm yourself

We all have those days, or moments, where our inner talk is negative but if you find yourself doing this all the time, it’s time to start changing your inner monologue. I mean, would you talk to your best f riend or anyone else as harshly as you talk to yourself? Changing your self-talk takes practice, but it is so worth it to change a negative outlook in to a positive one. When you f ind yourself doing this, recognise it, take a deep breath and try to turn those thoughts around. Everyone has wonderful things to offer the world and sometimes we are the only ones standing in the way of letting our light shine.

Find things that bring you joy

If you are becoming a slave to outside

catching up with your friends for brunch,

expectations – your work, your partner, your

writing or dancing. If you’re not sure what

children,

start

your happy place is, why not try something

thinking about what brings YOU joy! When

new until you find what suits your soul?

was the last time you made space in your

Try going to a smash room, or take up a

life for the things you really enjoy? This

painting or pottery class. Why not renovate

could be soaking in

a piece of furniture or plant a veggie patch?

your

a sudsy tub,

friends,

perhaps

Check out a Theatre show, a museum exhibition or a comedy festival! In life you never know if you never try!

Things I will do for myself

Melissa Griffiths A Hero for Change BY SANDY LOWRES

Transgender and Inclusion advocate and consultant, Melissa Griff iths, is helping businesses to change the way they help employees in the LGBTIQ+ feel supported in the workplace. Melissa has an easy smile and is affable and open about her journey, but it wasn’t always an easy journey for her to embrace her authentic self. Growing up in Auckland, New Zealand, in the 1970’s, Melissa Griffith often felt she was different from the other kids at school. Given the internet was yet to be a reality, she didn’t have information at her f ingertips 46

that might have helped her to work through her feelings or seek support to help her understand her inner turmoil. Although she was designated a male at birth, Melissa knew from a very young age that she identified as female. The 70’s and 80’s in New Zealand, and globally, was not an easy time for people in the LGBTIQ+ community, and Melissa, like many, tried to hide her true self from others. “I had never heard of transgender, and I started, as a teenager and dressing in my mum’s clothes, to realise that I was different from the other boys.”

In her twenties, Melissa moved to Melbourne in Australia. In this more progressive city, Melissa started to meet others who understood what she was going through, and she started dressing as a woman part time. She was holding down a full-time job, and it was at times, she says, difficult to live two very different lives. In 2014, Melissa was faced with the death of both her father and her cousin f rom cancer. Losing two people she cared about made her realise how f ragile life can be. It was this realisation that helped her to take the step of transitioning as a woman full time, rather than part time, and hiding who she was. When Melissa f irst transitioned in 2015, she was working for a large corporation. While she was supported by HR, she also acknowledges that her workplace was facing something new for them. She faced resistance f rom some colleagues about the use of female bathrooms, and some people referring to her by her old male name. This kind of bias however was everywhere. “When I first transitioned, I realised that there were some venues where straight men, and some cis women couldn’t cope. I didn’t have the luxury of say, Caitlyn Jenner to have all of the surgery straight away.” With more conversation happening on the issues of gender due to information awareness and media coverage, Melissa is happy that things are slowly starting to change for younger trans people, but she advises there is a long way still to go in the fight for equality and societal acceptance for the Trans community, especially for those transitioning later in life. LGBTIQ+ Health Australia is an organisation supporting healthy lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans/transgender, intersex, queer and other sexuality, gender, and bodily diverse people and communities throughout Australia and the world, free from stigma and discrimination. In the largest Australian survey of LGBTIQ+ young people aged 14-21, they reported that trans young people – binary and non-binary are among some of the most vulnerable people in our community. 71 percent of trans respondents reported considering suicide in the 12 months prior to the survey, and 14% had attempted suicide in the same period; 38 percent reported having attempted suicide at some point in their lives. In the

2022 Victorian Government’s Pride in Our Future: Victoria’s LGBTIQ+ Strategy they found that 77.7 per cent of trans and gender diverse Victorians have faced unfair treatment based on their gender identity. Melissa has gone on to embrace herself, despite dealing with ongoing bias, and in doing so, she realised how powerful telling her story can be in supporting other people through that journey. In telling her story via media, podcasts, keynote speeches and articles, she is also helping cis people to understand the challenges trans people face, including bigotry, trolling, name calling and a lack of understanding and support in some communities. Add to that the expense of transitioning regarding clothing and legal name changes, hormones, specialist visits and surgery, for those that go down that path, and this can lead to anxiety and mental fatigue. As a passionate advocate, Melissa is often called upon as an inclusion consultant. Her mission is to educate employers on gender identity and to raise awareness that transgender people are valuable employees that contribute greatly to all organisations. She has worked with several racing clubs to change the policies around gender bias and inclusion. She has consulted to Cricket Australia in development of their Guidelines for inclusion of Gender Diverse and Transgender People in Cricket. She is also currently a board director of Sydney based non-profit organisation JustSociale and previously a board director of Elder Rights Advocacy in Victoria. Through her advocacy, Melissa has been awarded an Australia Achievement Award, and the Rex Karmaveer Global Fellowship and Karmaveer Chakra Award instituted by ICONGO & the UN from India. She was a finalist in the 2019 Australian LGBTI Awards in the Hero Category and a finalist in 2018 Women’s Agenda Women in Leadership Awards for Agenda Setter of the year. Melissa completed the first ever LGBTI Leadership Program in 2018 and was a finalist as LGBTI person of the year in the 2017 Victorian LGBTI Awards. She is a brave, courageous, strong, and resilient person who has become a Leader in her own right who draws upon her experiences to #ChooseToChallenge to make the world a better place. https://www.melissagriffiths.com.au/

A dear friend of mine swears by the medicinal qualities of crumpets for every minor insult and injury. Bad breakup? Crumpets. Sprains f rom an over-ambitious yoga asana? Crumpets. Agoraphobia from too many lockdowns? ALL the crumpets.

The problem of course is that comforting oneself with crumpets – or chocolate, or baking, or wine – after the sustained stresses of the last two years is not that good for one’s waistline My clothes are tight, the result of both an inclination to stay at home and an urge to comfort bake my pandemic blues away.

With many restrictions ending and my social calendar springing back to life, I’m still very wary of leaving home. While my f riends are happily arranging dates and making plans, I accept their invitations with trepidation. I love my f riends, enjoy their company, I always have a great time – and yet I’m in no rush to leave the house at all and am perfectly content to stay put.

So. If I am to self-medicate with crumpets, I must honour myself and get out of the house. I’ve started slowly, both in terms of speed and in duration, but every morning I head out for a walk. The absence of people in the pre-dawn light helps me wrangle my anxieties. As I pound the pavement, alternately resisting the urge to head home, and the mounting pain in my hips and spine, I think of it as physiotherapy for my soul. In time it will do me a power of good. And until then, there’s crumpets to soothe me.

Crumpets

Food with Sandra Reynolds 49

Crumpets

This batter is very forgiving, requiring only a large bowl

cook the crumpet dough. Egg rings are too small in

and wooden spoon and you won’t need to spend effort

height and won’t work without the batter spilling over

kneading it. It’s a very wet dough and will eventually

the top. If you can’t find crumpet rings from a specialty

become the consistency of thick pancake batter.

shop, look for small round springform sponge tins, about 10cm in diameter. Remove the bottoms, grease

However, you will need the right rings with which to

them liberally and they will work a treat.

Ingredients Serves 12

◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆ ◆

800ml milk 50g butter, plus extra, for greasing and cooking 2 tsp caster sugar 7 gm dried yeast (1 sachet) 500g (3 1/3 cups) plain flour 1 tsp bicarbonate of soda

Method 1.

Heat milk and butter over a low heat until butter melts, remove from heat and stand until lukewarm.

Combine sugar and yeast in a small bowl. Add 200ml of the milk mixture, stir to dissolve then stand in a warm place until foamy (4-5 minutes).

Combine flour and a pinch of salt in a large bowl. Make a well in the centre and add yeast mixture. Stir with a wooden spoon, pulling a little flour into the mixture.

4. Add remaining milk mixture and continue to stir until smooth and combined. Cover the mixture with a damp tea towel or cling f ilm and stand in a warm place until very foamy (1-1½ hours). 5.

Dissolve bicarbonate of soda in 50ml warm water. Add to batter and beat to combine.

Cover and stand until bubbling (25-30 minutes).

Heat a large fry-pan over low-medium heat. Butter the insides of 10cm-diameter, 3cm-deep rings and add a little extra butter to coat the base of the pan. Place the rings in the pan, then gently pour in enough batter to fill each ring two-thirds full.

Cook until mixture bubbles and forms small holes on the surface with a skin on top (4-5 minutes).

Remove rings, turn the crumpets over and cook until light golden (about 1 minute). Butter the rings again, ready for the next batch.

10. Keep crumpets warm in a tea towel while you repeat with remaining batter, thinning with a little extra milk if necessary. Serve warm immediately or serve toasted the following day. You can also freeze them – if you can wait that long.

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ARE YOU CHASING • • • •

EXCELLENCE

Is excellence the outcome you are chasing in your business and creative endeavours? Do you like to rebel against the boxes and labels you’re told you sit within? Do you believe you were born to stand out, live out loud, and play hard at life? You are Becky’s ideal client.

With 20 plus years experience in achieving amazing results in business with a global client base, Becky Paroz is passionate about providing a broad range of services to women, supporting them to succeed in male-dominated industries. Her key areas of expertise are:

Projects – experienced facilitation of your strategic planning, risk management, succession planning, to support your business development.

Programs – Private and professional mentoring and coaching. Confidence, leadership, resilience, and dealing with Imposter Syndrome are her key areas of focus.

Print – Becky is an award-winning self-published author. She offers teaching on how to

create your book and self-publish it. She shortcuts the learning journey for authors who are looking to add to their professional profiles.

Presenting and Podcasts – As a keynote speaker with 20 years of experience at

industry presentations and facilitation of multi-day conference events, Becky is available to deliver your next event or workshop. Her podcasts guest spots appear globally. No generic outcomes, only a bespoke approach tailored to the achievement of your ambitions. Contact Becky now to secure your spot on her calendar. Want to discuss how Becky can be a part of of your success journey? Get in touch today.

www.wordsofbek.com.au Facebook.com/planetbekstar Instagram.com/wordsofbek Linkedin.com/in/beckyp99 54

Feed your Soul Ten Books we’re loving for creating and maintaining inner calm BY BECKY PAROZ

here are so many amazing books being self-

We are also publishing a list each month on the

indie- and traditionally published these days, that

website to feed your habit, so be sure to check out

a self-confessed book addict can barely read quickly

those lists too.

enough to keep up. In a new column this year, WB40

theme each month and let’s all expand our reading

is grabbing a list of recommendations from the

pile this year!

Share your favourites to match the

reading library of author and book coach, Bek Paroz and the Wb40 team. We have tried to make our lists

Our theme this issue is all about Soul Care – watering

with female identifying authors (some lesser known),

and feeding our soul garden to ensure bountiful and

and powerful books to inspire, educate, and support

beautiful progress happens for you.

your learning and yearning for knowledge.

books we hope will inspire you!

Here’s some

1. Preparing the Ground(work) You’re Not Broken - Dr. Sarah Woodhouse When you google this book, make sure you

live within the boundaries that trauma may

chose the author, as there are several books

have created for us. Sandy absolutely loved

of this title. Obviously, a popular subject, Dr

this book and as a coach, this topic is close

Sarah Woodhouse is particularly discussing

to my heart. Untwisting that feeling in your

the impact of trauma on the individual and

gut, f reeing your mind from old cycles, this

how we all have been affected by something

is the language of self-love, forgiveness and

that has caused us trauma.

release. Perfect for preparation of your soul

She offers

insight into the idea that we don’t have to

garden.

2. Plan Your Display to the World Setting Boundaries - Dr. Rebecca Ray A fabulous read for those who were raised as

a best f riend to yourself are key elements to

people-pleasers and those who struggle to

resisting the trained behaviour of putting

say no. Dr. Rebecca is an Aussie psychologist

others’ needs f irst.

who offers the idea to peaceful mental health

can still be a caring person and say ‘no’ is a

is learning to set boundaries. Similar to all our

powerful start to your soul garden planning.

Discovering that you

books listed, learning to love yourself, focus on what makes your soul light up, and being

3. Plant Seedlings of Self Love The Self-Love Habit - Fiona Brennan In a world where “selfies” are the norm, we

are f requently subjected to the “perfect”

anger, jealousy, and self-doubt as the

image, and it

natural progression of

can be very hard not to judge ourselves

our emotions occurs as events shape our

against the curated versions we see on

lives. By truly and honestly taking a look at

social media every

our self-love

other day. In a society where we are not

habits, and learning how to stop struggling

encouraged to be “authentic” unless it is

against our natural emotions, we can come

part of our

to accept

humans,

experience

frustration,

who we are more fully, leading to greater “brand”, it can be uncomfortable to look at the ugly parts of our nature, real or imagined. However,

self-love and better self-care.

4. Cultivate Your Growth The Self-Esteem Workbook for Women - Magan MacCutheon, LPC “No one is born with self-esteem - we have to

activities that are designed to support you

build it.”

to think about your own self differently, positively; this is a powerful tool for moving

Such a true statement and made me love this workbook immediately.

towards self-esteem and confidence in a

More of

supported manner. Water your soul garden

a planner than a plain read, this book is all

with this guide.

about showing how to embrace yourself, flaws, faults, and fabulousness.

Containing

5. Pollinate New Ideas Plan B - Shannah Kennedy Written by someone who had that giant

with other positive emotions you may

life interrupt, Shannah lets us know that

have

everything you feel when life throws a

again. Strategies and step by step guides

curveball is valid and normal. She doesn’t

leave you there, however, taking you on the

kind to yourself during this process, and

journey from that place of grief through the

maintaining hope for the future are all

stages, coming out the other side with “Plan

here to help you with unexpected events

B” for living within the new boundaries

disrupting your soul garden.

thought

embracing

you’d

never

change,

experience

learning

of your life, discovering happiness along

6. Dead-Heading Old Thoughts First We Make the Beast Beautiful - Sarah Wilson I love the premise behind this book!

of spirit seeking answers, rather than a terrifying state to be suppressed with

The Chinese believe that before you can

medication, Sarah looks at the possibilities

conquer a beast, you must first make it

that this mental state can bring instead of

beautiful. (add this as a quote!)

focusing on the limitations it may provoke. Filled with humour, compassion, practical

Sarah Wilson f irst came across this when

tips, and thought-provoking anecdotes, you

seeing a therapist for her anxiety, and the

will find this book useful to clean out the

exploration that followed had led to her

old growth and make way for something

book.

beautiful.

Reframing anxiety into a quest

7. Enjoy the Blooming Possibilities How I Changed My Life In A Year - Shelley Wilson

You

wouldn’t

think

genre

writer

up about facing a challenge each month for a

would also have a best-selling non-f iction

year, and is a f rank and open discussion about

motivational book, but Shelley Wilson isn’t

growing older.

listening to what she should be. Her humorous

that life is over at 40, this book will have you

book tackles being “a 40-something, single

realising that it’s only just begun! Perfect for

mum with back fat and grey hairs” opening

nurturing your ever expanding soul garden.

For any women who think

8. Feed Your Mind (Or surround Yourself with beauty? …Online Books

You are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life – Jen Sincero

entertaining

change the self-sabotaging beliefs

how-to guide, #1 New York Times

and behaviours that stop you f rom

Bestselling Author and world-traveling

getting what you want, blast past your

success coach, Jen Sincero, serves up

fears so you can take big exciting risks,

27 bite-sized chapters full of hilariously

f igure out how to make some damn

inspiring stories, sage advice, easy

money already, learn to love yourself

exercises, and the occasional swear

and others, set big goals and reach

word. If you’re ready to make some

them - it will basically show you how to

serious changes around here, You Are

create a life you totally love, and how to

a Badass will help you: Identify and

create it now.

this

refreshingly

9. Nurture Your Growth Don’t Overthink It - Anne Bogel The title says it all, and yet we all do it. Analysis

you through the patterns that send you into

paralysis, getting stuck, whatever we call

a tailspin of what-if. Strategies to help focus

it, we stop progression for fear of failure or

on positive thought patterns, identifying

something that smells like wrong. Addressing

what doesn’t support you, and re-directing

another one of those life skills that would be

your energy appropriately, this gift will have

fabulous if taught in schools, and yet one not

you making conf ident choices in every area

learnt unless looked for, this book helps walk

of your life in no time.

10. Weeding Out the Unwanted Why has Nobody Told Me This Before? - Dr. Julie Smith At a time when mental health is being

and feel the way we do, and understanding

explored and discussed in ways never

of our own minds, this book is the perfect

before, this book is an amazing insight

guide for weeding out some unwanted

from the highly qualified Dr Julie. Offering

behaviours in our soul garden.

identification of skills you wish you had been taught earlier, insights into why we react

About the Writer Becky Paroz is an author, blogger and coach who has worked for nearly 30 years in the construction industry, taking names and making one for herself. She has made a place in the world, she has never waited for a space to open for her. She is a mentor and coach and has released her first book The Words of Bek. https://wordsofbek.com.au/

Emerging from the Garden BY DONNA CAMERON

ome of us have hibernated longer than others, often alone. After what feels like two years of darkness, we’re now navigating the world anew. We’re doing it tentatively, not certain of what we’ll find. Like small mammals after a long winter, we need to re-orient ourselves within our world. Where now, are our safe places? Where did we go to f ind food and a good coffee? And what on earth did we wear?? After many months of lying low, beavering away on laptops from comfy couches and unable to do much in the way of moving, we’re finding things have changed. Even if we do recall what we used to wear out there, these things are unlikely to serve us now. We’ve changed. The world has changed. Our lives have changed, our priorities have changed and our bodies have changed. The idea of donning restrictive clothes and uncomfortable shoes now seems about as appealing as… well, as crawling back into that dark hidey-hole of lockdown. No, we don’t want to go back there! And yet, we need support to venture further out into the garden. We need support to feel good. One of the things that makes me feel genuinely good is colour. As a colour consultant, I love them all, not one in particular. It’s the interplay and harmony of colours used well that makes my heart sing.

Dopamine dressing You’d think then, that’d I’d be right on board with the colourful new fashion trend, ‘Dopamine dressing’, that’s currently being promoted across fashion magazines. But that’s not the case. Dopamine dressing’ (which is basically to embrace really bright colours in whatever you wear) is so called because of its supposed feel-good, mood-boosting ability. The premise is that we’ve all been living our lives in sad grey tracksuits for the previous 24 months of intermittent lockdowns and apparently wearing bright colours will cheer us up!

underlies addiction of any kind, including shopping addiction. So instead of ‘dopamine dressing’, I prefer the less über-hip term ‘feel-good dressing’ to describe the mood boost we can get from wearing things that literally make us feel good. But the most important reason I don’t believe the dopamine dressing hype is because what feels good or helpful for one person is not necessarily right for the next. The belief that we will all feel good by wearing bright colours is completely false. Fashion and colour preference is very personal. To uncover your own version of ‘feel-good dressing’ you’ll need to do a bit of serious reflection and self analysis in that soul garden of yours. What do you actually need as you emerge from hibernation and re-orient yourself in the world? What do you need in your soul garden? If in fact it is pure exuberant fun you need to boost your mood, and you’re eagerly awaiting the opportunity to spread your party wings in the world again, then eat up those bright colours! If you can’t wait to be out in the exciting world of novelty, wild energy and new experience, then sparkly, bright and bold colour schemes will trigger that adrenalin perfectly for you! Celebrate and socialise in all your glorious upbeat party colours! But if the thought of that terrifies you or you feel exhausted just thinking about it, then I recommend completely different colours for you. Looking for calm reassurance? Then you’ll recoil from anything resembling a dramatic assault on the senses. Instead, look for soothing colour schemes that harmonise with a gentle energy. Your feel-good colours will be closely related to each other and will not challenge but flow peacefully from one to the other.

While colour is something that lifts my spirits as high as they can possibly be, I’m most def initely not on the dopamine dressing bandwagon. For one thing, this concept is not new. I f irst read about dopamine dressing at least f ive years ago. And annoyingly, the word ‘dopamine’ is being used out of context. Our dopamine system is activated with the yearning for more. So the word ‘dopamine’ can be applied to our relationship with fashion as we seek new items to f ill our wardrobes and sate our sartorial appetites. But in a fashion context it more accurately describes the buzz we get from anticipating a new purchase rather than wearing a particular thing. Dopamine is associated with the need for more and 62

If it’s bravado to perform in your professional life that you need right now, that’s a different set of colours altogether. You’ll need colour schemes with energy, but rather than the bright happy hues of carnivals and nightclubs, your feel-good colours schemes will be the hard hitting serious shades combined with lighter tints. This will provide that ‘sit up and listen’ high contrast to give you the strength and gravitas you need to get back on those professional feet. What colours do you need in your soul garden? Do you know where you’re at and how you want to present in the world of 2022? Are yours the soft and fleeting flowers of the meadow that go about their business quietly?

Are they the rich, strong colours of a cultured autumn enjoyed best with a good glass of red? Perhaps they’re the f resh, vibrant spring colours of optimism? Or maybe you’re not ready for colour at all and prefer to stick to your no-nonsense monotones?

Once you’ve determined whether you’re ready to embrace some uplifting energy, or you’re craving calm or it’s something altogether different, only then will you know what your kind of dopamine dressing is.

About the Writer Donna Cameron is a personal style and colour specialist and advocate for ethical fashion. She encourages ‘mindful purchasing’ through the understanding and application of personal style principles to address excessive fashion consumption and co-hosts ethical fashion tours. Her book, Colour: the secret to creating a Sustainable Wardrobe, was published in 2021. In 2018 Donna was lead stylist for a groundbreaking event at Melbourne Fashion Week, exclusively featuring models with disability on the runway. In 2022 she is stylist for the Adaptive Clothing Collective’s Melbourne Fashion Festival event. https://www.donna-cameron.com.au/ 63

Love(ing) a (Broken)

Woman BY SIMONE MICHELLE

i am gone

And out of my seeping sinews wept

here but not

an aching, petrified trust, crept

there but not

I am bare

in out

More afraid of this than before

out in

Who am I without shame’s pinafore?

floating, gone again

I am woman

i am dissociation

near fully broke

i am

unseen, unloved, untethered, unspoke

pelt of shame

Out from discarded things, I come

a foreign heart

a slither of trust tap taps my drum

i am come apart

I am broken, beat from war

i am

I am all the Hers that went before

And then him/he saw

I am standing, spine bent, bones sheer

how my body keeps the score

I am standing, I am standing here

busted breath

I am (broken)Woman

heart not mine

I am

bones maligned he saw me

About the Writer

Simonne Michelle is a Melbourne-based writer, philanthropy professional, and feminist. She has just started using Medium as a way of jotting down some of her musings on life, womanhood, and creativity. https://simonne-91050.medium.com, l @simonnemichellewriter 65

“Women over fifty today are the first women ever to have almost universally earned their own money for most of their lives. This is by any definition revolutionary...” Jane Caro - Feminist Author

Green Queens

How the humble house plant is making a comeback BY SANDY LOWRES

rowing up in the 1970’s I can remember mum had a number of indoor rubber plants, and my very bohemian artistic aunt had a house adorned with a swinging egg chair and plants held in pots held by macrame hangings. I am not going to deny it, I am loving that the humble house plant is making a come-back as the décor queens of interior spaces! Indoor plants can add so much to a home and add such joy to an environment. In our modern world where we connect to technology more often than nature, it’s really nice to be surrounded by greenery. I’ve been working f rom home for two years, and in that time I decided to being some greenery inside to help bring a little bit of outside inside. I never had a green-thumb previously but I have learnt to nurture inside plants and now my collection keeps growing! Plants can look amazing but more than that, studies show they boost moods, increase creativity, reduce stress, and eliminate air pollutants—making for a healthier, happier you!

Indoor plants can improve indoor air quality in a few ways. Through photosynthesis, plants absorb carbon dioxide and release oxygen, while through evapotranspiration, plants release moisture vapor and increase humidity. Not only that, house plants cleverly capture airborne pollutants and convert them into stored energy, releasing naturally filtered air as a by-product. Plants do this by absorbing the pollutants through their leaves and transmitting the toxins to their roots where they’re converted into a food source. So clever! There are so many gorgeous indoor plants to choose f rom, and some sexy pots that can enhance any interior too. In case you’re wondering where to start, here’s five plants that will love the indoors as much as you will love them!

*NOTE*.. not all house plants are suitable for house pets! always check prior to purchasing plants!

Chinese Money Plant The Chinese money plant is known by a number of names - the missionary plant, lefse plant, pancake plant, UFO plant, or just pilea (short for its scientific name of Pilea peperomioides) and is originally from the southwestern Yunnan province of China. Lore has it that a Norwegian missionary took cuttings home with him in the 1940s and shared them with friends and family. Those plants were spread throughout Scandinavia, and eventually the world, as people passed cutting between friends. This plant prefers a pot with drainage holes. The soil needs to mostly dry out between watering, with more watering required in warmer, sunnier weather. They like bright light but not direct sun. If the leaves start to look slightly droopy, your plant needs water. In Asia, the m o n e y plant is thought be symbolic of growth and renewal as they resemble jade coins, which represent wealth and prosperity. They’re often given as house-warming gifts, or even a wedding present. For good feng shui, the money plant is best placed at the front door to welcome money through the door.

Mother in laws tongue Whether you call them Mother-in-law’s Tongue, Snake Plant or Viper’s Bowstring Hemp, Dracaena (Dracaena trifasciata or Sansevieria trifasciata) has become extremely popular over recent years and potted versions feature prominently in modern landscape and interior design. These plants look great and they’re very hardy, are slow growing, require minimal maintenance and will tolerate low levels of light, making them ideal for growing indoors. They’ll also help improve air quality so having a few around the house and office is very benef icial. The good news about this plant is that it looks impressive but is low maintenance It doesn’t require f requent watering. It absorbs toxins, such as nitrogen oxides, and is great for improving indoor air quality. It grows quite quickly, so beginners can work with it easily and as a bonus, it will occasionally sprout small, white flowers—usually when it is a few years old.

Peace Lilly (Spathiphylluy) The gorgeous Peace Lily, or Spathiphyllum is one of my favourite plants. These lovely plants not only brighten up a living space, but are also excellent at cleaning the air of the room they are in. Most commonly, these plants have dark green leaves and white “flowers.” What most people think of as a flower is actually a specialized leaf bract that grows hooded over the flowers. Regardless, they are so pretty. Peace lilies are far more tolerant of underwatering than overwatering, which is one of the most common reasons for a peace lily to die. It is because of this, you should never water peace lily plants on a schedule. Rather, you should check them once a week to see if they need to be watered. Simply touch the top of the soil to see if it is dry. If it is, water your peace lily. It’s really that simple! Peace lilies that are placed in more light tend to produce the lovely white flowers more, while peace lilies in low light will bloom less and will look more like a traditional foliage plant.

*NOTE*.. peace Lillie’s are highly toxic to cats and may be highly toxic to dogs. 71

Aloe The Aloe plant, or Aloe barbadensis is part of the succulent family, and due to her medicinal properties, this ancient queen has been grown for thousands of years. Like cacti, succulents do best in dry conditions. When growing aloe vera plants, plant them in a cactus potting soil mix or a regular potting soil that has been amended with additional perlite or building sand. Also, make sure that the pot has plenty of drainage holes. Aloe vera plants cannot tolerate standing water so the soil of the aloe vera plant should be allowed to go completely dry before being watered. It has antioxidant and antibacterial properties. Antioxidants are important for health. Aloe vera has powerful antioxidants belonging to a large family of substances known as polyphenols. These polyphenols, along with several other compounds in aloe vera, help inhibit the growth of certain bacteria that can cause infections in humans. The handy Aloe is also very helpful in healing sunburn and is said to be good for the skin generally.

Monstera Monstera (Monstera deliciosa and Monstera adansonii) are species of evergreen tropical vines and shrubs that are native to Central America, and now popular all over the world. They are famous for their natural leaf-holes, which has led to the rise of their nickname, Swiss Cheese Plant. The Monstera’s leaf-holes are called fenestrations and are theorized to maximize sun fleck capture on the forest floor by increasing the spread of the leaf while decreasing the mass of leaf cells to support. They thrive in bright to medium non-direct light. Just a warning for pet lovers, Monsteras can be irritating to cats, dogs, and humans if foliage consumed. Best practice is always to keep houseplants out of reach of small children and pets. This is a gorgeous green plant that brightens up a room!

The Good Girl Confessional

wb40.com

Podcast @thegoodgirlconfessional facebook.com/GoodGirlConfessional The Good Girl Confessional Podcast

our youngest child has left to begin their independent life, you close the door behind them & turn around to an empty home of deafening silence. Now what? Do you rush to f ill the void with dating in search of a new partner? Maybe you might get tempted to go on a ‘selfimprovement’ journey starting with trying to lose weight & look younger? Or will you courageously sit in that uncomfortable emptiness f ree f rom outer distraction, and allow for your inner voice to speak your heart’s desires & guide you to follow your joy? 76

Companionship is fine, but healthy relationships come from two whole people joining together to enhance each other’s already awesome lives. Getting into a relationship as a means of “filling a void” is not fair on yourself or them. I learnt that lesson the hard way - enter & exit husband number two. Similarly, getting distracted with ‘self &/or situation improvement’ is also not the most beneficial approach to thriving post active caregiving, because it’s based on a false premise that there’s something wrong that

Empty Nesting

Finding the "Real" you after decades of motherhood BY PIA ANTICO

needs f ixing, for you to be happy. I’ve heard so many women over 40 say that the years went by so quickly and now they look up and wonder what happened to the vibrant & adventurous woman they used to be. Is that you too? Thankfully you won’t have to go searching far & wide to find the ‘you’ that got lost along with the odd socks in the wash. Your true self never disappeared, with the changing

of your roles and circumstances over the years, that was just your illusory Ego personal thinking. The stories you told yourself to explain your experiences were conclusions based on a fundamental misunderstanding commonly held in our society; that other people and events are the cause of our feelings. This innocent misunderstanding is at the heart of all our perceived suffering. Naturally, if we believe that the outside world is the cause of our feelings then we live in fear as we try and control what is not within our power to control; and then we get caught up in fearful thinking that further 77

compounds a diff icult circumstance. The answer to this predicament is not found in trying to control what we are thinking or discover why we are thinking it; simply to realise that we sometimes will get caught up in our personal thinking but those thoughts will pass by just as clouds pass over the sun. This empty-nest stage may look scary, but that is just passing thoughts. Here are 3 key tips to thriving in your crowning stage of womanhood ... 1. Ditch your regrets We are single empty nester women over 40 there’s no doubt that we’ve made some decisions along the way that did not work out so well. I know for myself, the hardest regrets to let go of were the times I ignored my inner voice & instead followed the ‘musts & shoulds’ in my head.

But here’s t h o s e

the thing all

mistaken decisions were based on an innocent misunderstanding of where my feelings really came from. Just like you, I believed that the events & people in my life were making me sad, mad, scared & frustrated. And naturally if we think our OKness is from the outside then we are going to say & do anything and everything to try and fix those things we think our causing the feelings we don’t want. Or, on the flip side chase after & try and hold onto those things we believe are making us happy. After all that’s what all the movies, music & books would have us believe – that people & things create our experience. So, it is a commonly held innocent misunderstanding & we all did the best we could in that context. But now you know that you don’t have to wrestle the whole world out there to feel OK. You are already completely OK, & always were. Be kind to yourself & embrace the imperfection that is being human. It is not about trying to achieve the perfect experience of your life but rather realizing that you are totally OK no matter the situation or your passing response to it. 2. Follow your inner bliss Did you know that ‘YOU’ are not your thoughts but rather ‘YOU’ are the dynamic, bliss-filled space between thoughts. We are all energy beings in physical bodies having human experiences & our factory default setting is the same joy of the limitless Universe/Source. We don’t need to chase people & circumstances for happiness – in truth they can’t make us feel anything except that we think it. Here is the best news! It’s not happy thinking that makes us happy, we don’t have to try to analyze & change what we are thinking or understand why. In fact, that only takes us further away from accessing the true source

of our joy. It is when we shift our Awareness f rom the chatter in our heads & just let it ebb & flow naturally that we get to glimpse into the spaces between thinking, allowing ourselves to rest there enveloped by the radiant potential of the present moment free of past thinking, future worries & labels of self.

What I have come to realize is that appreciation is not just for the outwardly ‘good stuff’ but On reflection, I have come to appreciate that those tough times were ultimately beneficial too. The only point of looking back is to see how far you have come, and let’s be real us single empty nester women over 40 have come along way through some rocky terrain to get here.

Now that is pure bliss! And without forcing anything, we will notice the inkling of ‘good ideas’ arise f rom this space & nudge us into aligned action following the signals of our inner joy compass.

Our empty nest doesn’t have to be an abyss we fall into. Instead, we too can take flight just like our kids; in search of renewed passion & purpose beyond motherhood.

Where is your joy compass pointing you toward? 3. Appreciate your awesomeness Many of us would have heard about the benefits of being grateful for all the good in your life; there is no doubt this is great advice. How can you be happy if you are not thankful? But there can be a shadow side to thankfulness if we believe we ‘should’ be thankful &/or if we are struggling to see the good in the f irst place.

About the Writer Pia Antico is the Founder of Essential Awakening Mentoring, a Crone Life Joy Reboot Mentor/Coach/Trainer, International Public Speaker & Best-Selling Author. She intuitively guides single, empty-nester, women over 40 to ditch their regrets, claim their unapologetic authenticity, age disgracefully, &amp; quit being an unwilling bystander in their lives; without getting stuck rehashing, analysing & re framing trauma stories. https://essentialawakeningmentoring.com/ 79

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womenwhopodcastmag.com

Irish Cream and Chocolate Cocktail

Method

Ingredients

Drizzle syrup on a small plate. Dip rims of

▶

2 tbsp chocolate syrup

8 Martini glasses into syrup and grated

▶

1 cup Irish Cream (Bailey’s or other)

chocolate.

▶

1 cup vanilla vodka

▶

1 - 1/2 cups thickened cream, plus

2. Place

half

the

Irish

cream,

vodka,

thickened cream and ice into a cocktail shaker.

extra whipped cream to serve ▶

3. Secure lid. Shake to combine. Strain

▶

Ice cubes, to serve Grated chocolate to serve

mixture into half the prepared glasses. 4. Repeat vodka,

with

remaining

thickened

Irish

cream,

ice

and

prepared glasses. 5. Dollop cocktails with extra whipped cream and grate chocolate on top. Top each glass with a swizzle stick. Serve.

“Our sex need not primarily define who we are, what we are capable of or what we can expected to enjoy or engage in...” Tara Moss

“

“When you, too, find yourself wailing, whether it is hormone induced or not, cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a giant hug. Acknowledge all you’ve accomplished and how far you’ve come.”

AUD $19.90(Print) https://wb40.com/wb40-extra for more options ISSN: 2652-9564

“

Sandy Davies