Over The EDGE

By Willie Smith

The holidays are coming. Do you have any holiday survival guide tips you might want to share with others? I do, just one, but it’s a biggie! If you have kids and a garbage picker husband like mine, do not, under any circumstances, let your husband do the Christmas shopping. I learned that the hard way and it just about put me over the edge.

As noted, my husband is a garbage picker. Yep, a good garbage picker I might add, but a garbage picker nonetheless. He’s made many a pretty penny by searching for items thrown to the curb by others as unusable. But, if there was any life left in it at all, he could fix it up, clean it up, and wrap it up as a gift for the kids.

When they were younger, they were okay with used stuff. As they got olde, though, they didn’t want to be embarrassed by telling their friends they got a used, very old and rusted-out family camper for Christmas. Yeah, that was the year my husband found that “wonderful” family camper that had been left in a field for years. It was totally rusted through in many places, the bench cushions had been eaten by animals, and they had left their own personal “gifts” in return.

That camper was absolutely disgusting, yet he enlisted the help of our second son to “drive” it home. Now, granted, Chris was not old enough to legally drive, but he was actually only steering the camper as my husband towed it home. The camper didn’t have working brakes and poor Chris was sweating bullets trying not to ram into the back of his dad’s truck when they slowed for any reason. The camper hadn’t run in at least a decade and I had no doubt it would never run again. Yet, according to my husband, Christmas was coming and that baby would soon be ready for a big red bow.

Then there was the year my husband found an old, rusted riding mower. Oh, the fun the kids would have riding that dilapidated thing! Yep, take that blade off, find an engine, seat, and tires and all would be good. I have to say, the kids did have fun pulling each other on sleds behind the mower. Too bad it lasted less than an hour. The engine died, the seat came off, and the tires went flat. Used parts found in the garbage just don’t last like they used to.

And then, finally, I had to draw the line at the new beds he wanted to give the kids one year. The summer before that Christmas his thought was to wait for a city-wide yard sale to end and the unsold items put to the curb. He was sure we could pick through the piles of discarded items before the garbage trucks came and get some “gently” used mattresses. He figured a little duct tape to fix any holes, a lot of Lysol to kill any germs, and all would be well! That is disgusting you say? I agree 100%! His heart might have been in the right place, but his brain was not.

Thank goodness the kids are older now and cash is what they ask for. Can you blame them for wanting to buy their own gifts? Me either. The holidays are a time of giving so the gift I give you is a tip for your survival guide: do the shopping before your garbage picking husband does so he doesn’t put you or me over the edge.