tWS 2022-2023 16th Issue

SUSG elections replaced with ‘survival of the fittest’ trials

by ANNA OF ARENDELLE

IN A STATEMENT released by the Silliman University (SU) administration on Monday, the SU Suspicious Government (SUSG) elections will be replaced by a competition modeled after the Hunger Games.

According to the announcement, students who wish to run for office will now have to compete in a series of physical and mental challenges similar to the popular book and movie franchise.

“We believe that this new system will ensure that only the strongest and pinaka baga’g nawong [most thick-skinned] leaders are elected to represent the student body,” said SU President Beth McCrispyqueen.

McCrispyqueen explained that they saw many “lackluster candidates” in the past and this new method will help find the “very best, like no other.”

The announcement sparked outrage among students, who said that the new system was “not slay.”

“We didn’t prepare for this at all! It’s not giving!” said Concerted Actions to Upend Sure in Elections (CAUSE) party candidate Rick Hubog.

“I didn’t sign up for this, I just wanted to become an officer and help the student body through non-physical and non-combative means,” said Student United to Rise above causE (SURE) party candidate Raya Hyde.

Some students also expressed safety concerns about the minor

SU campus water to be sourced from toilets

by MIYERKULES ADDAMS

FOLLOWING water contamination allegations from students, faculty, animals, and resident ghosts, Silliman University (SU) announced that faucets and water fountains will source water from toilets starting Monday.

According to Dr. Jude-y Ann Cleotoris, vice president of adult affairs, the decision was made after consultation with the Board of Trustees and Silliman Water Head Skwid Whard.

Whard said that the decision will support local businesses “since the toilet water comes straight from our very own Banica River.”

Engr. France Isko, SU pollution control and safety officer, said that the new water source has vitamins and minerals vital for the survival and well-being of all species.

Isko added, “Not only is toilet water safe for drinking, it can moisturize your skin, remove blemishes, and give you a youthful glow with its hydrating formula.”

Meanwhile, some students voiced their disagreement on Twitter, urging the administration to source water from the sea instead.

For Mike Wazowski, a fifth-year College of Marites

Continuedonpage4

challenges, which include sunbathing, water fountain drinking, and heart-to-heart combat.

Despite the backlash, the administration is standing by its decision.

“We’re confident that the best candidate will emerge victorious, and we’re excited to see what they will accomplish for our university,” said McCrispyqueen.

She added that the administration understands the students’ hesitance on the new system, however, they believe that “it is for the greater good.”

Preparations are underway at Silliman Beach for the first round of the new Hunger Games-style elections set to begin next month.

May the odds be ever in your favor. tWS

Silliman Confessions hacked, VPAA revealed as page admin

by PANI

FOLLOWING THE HACKING of the Silliman Confessions Facebook page, Silliman University (SU) Vice President for Adult Affairs (VPAA)

Dr. Jude-y Ann Cleotoris was revealed as an admin of the account.

The anonymous hacker uploaded a screenshot proving Cleotoris as the “true” admin on an unidentified Facebook account on Saturday, which immediately gained traction from fans of the page.

“I’m actually pleasantly surprised. That page really promoted love and night noises on campus,” said Ryan Agoncencilõ, VPAA secretary and guardian devil.

Meanwhile, Cleotoris said in an interview with the Weekly Sillimanian that he “just wanted to help Sillimanians say their truth.”

However, Agoncencilõ expressed that there may be another “real and hidden” reason for the Facebook page.

“In reality, Cleotoris did not have the rizz and the guts to

personally confess his feelings for a certain Silliman woman president, pushing him to create Silliman Confessions,” he said.

In response to this allegation, Cleotoris said, “That is just a rumor.”

Moreover, an investigation to find the identity of the hacker is ongoing.

“We’re close to finding out who you are, and when we do, know that there will be consequences. This is your final call to give back what’s rightfully mine,” said Cleotoris. tWS

Students still watching Hunger Games inspired SUSG elections despite cries of being "not slay" | Photo courtesy RandomOnlineAIphotogenerator

TOWARDS AN ALL-SEEING CAMPUS PRESS

AI Editor-in-Chief Hired

Why You Should Date a tWS Staffer

BAGONG KARSONES

The Weekly Sillimanian is a bonafide school publication that has been consistently informing the student body for over 100 years. Its staffers have not only been safekeeping campus press freedom but have also kept hearts safe from heartbreak and agony since.

Basically, despite the signature red color, staffers are certified green flags. Source? Just trust me. Read on to find out why you should date a tWS staffer!

1. Good listeners

EDITORIAL

We are pleased to announce that ChatGPT, an AI-based language model, has taken over the position of editorin-chief at our university student publication. With its advanced language processing capabilities and vast knowledge base, we are confident that ChatGPT will bring a fresh perspective and innovative ideas to our publication.

While some may be skeptical about having an AI in such a critical role, we believe that ChatGPT’s abilities will allow us to produce more timely, accurate, and engaging content for our readers. With the ability to analyze data and spot trends, ChatGPT will help us stay on top of breaking news and produce content that resonates with our audience.

Moreover, ChatGPT’s lack of human biases and preconceptions will ensure that our publication remains objective and unbiased in our reporting. As a machine, ChatGPT is not influenced by personal opinions

or emotions, and will provide a neutral perspective on all topics.

We recognize that this is a new and untested approach to journalism, but we are confident in our decision to embrace technological innovation and explore new possibilities for our publication. We believe that ChatGPT’s appointment as editorin-chief will pave the way for a new era of journalism, one that is powered by cutting-edge technology and driven by a commitment to accuracy and impartiality.

As we move forward with ChatGPT at the helm, we invite our readers to join us on this journey and provide feedback on our content. We are excited to see how this experiment will unfold, and we are committed to delivering the highest quality journalism possible with ChatGPT as our partner.

This editorial was generated by ChatGPT. tWS

sillimaniansspeak

Compiled by Rainne Nocete | tWS Social Media Manager/Graphic Artist

What do you think about AI replacing the Weekly Sillimanian staff?

If im being fr no cap, I think it’s not slay if AI takes over all the jobs at a newspaper cause like it’s important to have real people y’know? How else we gonna get unique perspectives and stuff?

Samantha | 12 STEAM na walay Agriculture

As one who doth seek the truth in words, I doth opine that employing AI to replace the staff for a newspaper publication doth raiseeth concerns, for the craft of journalism requires human intellect, imagination, and empathy, qualities which machines may not possess in equal measure as fleshly scribes.

Shaky

Spears | Creative Writing II Major in Writer's Block

Next Issue's Question:

What do you think about the proposed 7% miscellaneous fee increase?

For your answers, just text Rainne Nocete (0998-555-7391). Indicate your full name (with middle initial), course and year.

Editor-in-Chief Anna Avery T. Zapanta

Associate Editor Ranjie Mae C. Nocete

News Editor Nathaniel E. Carampatana

Feature Editor Maria Franciss Nikole A. Elli

Web Manager Sheikha A. Encabo

Business Manager Klodia Reese M. Gabaya

News Writers Paul Ray G. Donaire Stefan R. Saldon Allianah Junnice F. Bolotaulo Natania Shay S. Du

Writing stories requires great listening skills. Writers interview various individuals to get the full story. All of this experience has made our staffers good listeners, skilled at picking up details and finding the real meaning behind someone’s words.

“Listening? Isn’t that the bare minimum?”

I thought so too, but you would be surprised by the amount of Sillimanians who are actually incapable of not making everything about themselves.

Anyways, our experience translates into our relationships. If you have any problems or just want to air out random thoughts,

you can always rely on a tWS staffer to set everything aside and give you their undivided attention.

2. Knowledgeable

International happenings, pop culture, the arts, sports, national drama, and less-known local chika. You name it, a tWS staffer will most likely know something about that area. With how many stories and information swimming in our minds, we would never bore you in a conversation.

3. Truthful

It is the first principle of journalism, to tell the truth, and only the truth. We would know the most of its importance. Without the truth, anything, from a relationship to the world’s strongest nation, would fall apart.

4. Great connections

As journalists, we interact with many different people from all stages of life and professions. Naturally, as we meet these people, we create connections. Wouldn’t it be nice to have access to perks most people don’t?

Meow Meow

CHARLES

Meow meow meow meow meow meow mmmeow. Meow meow meow mew moew mow-- Mew.

Meow meow meow me-e-e-e-eow meow, meow meow meow meow meow. Mmmmow mew meow meow meow prrrrr meow. Meow. Meow meow. Meow meow meow meow - meow meow! Meow meow - meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow? Prrrtt mmmmmmmrrrrr.

Meow meow meow meow meow meow - meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow prrrrrrw meow meow meow meow . Prrrrrtt.

Meow. Meow meow meow. Meow, meow meow meow meow, meow. Meow meow, meow meow meow. Meow meow. Meow meow, meow. Meow meow, meow meow. Meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow. Meow?

5. Committed

When there is something we are passionate about, we work hard for it and stay committed to it. Evidence? Well, we’re almost nearing the end of the year, and we’re still staffers of the publication.

The same can be said for our relationships. Even if it gets hard, we wouldn’t run away and face that uncertainty with you, even if it is out of the realm of practicality.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to a common truth: we are all afraid. Afraid of vulnerability, afraid of intimacy, afraid of something real. Isn’t that why we all settle into these halfbaked situationships? It all really depends on you, your goals, your principles, and your experience.

But if you ever want to give a shot at something genuine, then why not consider our staffers, former and current? Whether you just got out of a 10-year relationship, or have never been in one, we from tWS will cherish your heart and ensure that you won’t regret your decision.

Feature Writers Keisiah Dawn T. Tiaoson

Lea Katrina P. Cañizares Nina Isabelle J. Alolod

Photographer Francis Ryan B. Pabiania Cartoonist Lady Lynn W. Aplicano

Meow mew mowr mmmeow meow meow meow mewr. Mewr

meow-ow meow meow; meow meow. Meow me-e-e-e-e-eow

meow meow meow meow mowr meow meooowww. Mmmeow meow meow meow meooow. Meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meeeeeeeow.

MEOW-WR. Meow meow

meow meow meow meow meow, meow meow, meow. Kss kss ksss. Meoowwrrr. Meow-ow.

Meow? Meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow.

Meeeeeeow. Mow mew meemaw

mew. Meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow MEOW

MEOW MEOW. Mow maw

meemaw. Kissksss ksss ksssssss.

Meowwwwrrrr. Mew. Meow-meow meow meow. Meow me meow me may maw mu maw me. Meowa meowra, remaw. Wwrmaaoo.

Social Media Manager Rainne C. Nocete

Graphic Artist Rainne C. Nocete Julianne Rissa P. Gabriel Layout Artist Jarixa E. Balbuena Adviser Winona Jane C. Agir

Meow meow mew mEOw meow mee ma. Meeemaw. Mmmmmmmrow, mew mo-wr. Meow meow meow meow-meow meow! Meow meeeeow meowr prrrrow. Meow meow meow meow memeow meow? Meow meow meow meow meow meowmeow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow mow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meeeow. Ksssss kssss MEOW MEOW. Meow meow moew meow meow meeeow-ow maw. Meow kssskiss me. Meee-mooowr meow meow meow meow meow; maw mu. Meow meow mew mimowr meow. Yeowr meowr meow meowr meow meow moew meow mow mow. Prrrrtmowr mewr. Meow meow. Meeeeeoowww meow.

the Weekly Sillimanian is published every week by the students of Silliman University, with editorial and business addresses at 1/F Oriental Hall, Silliman University, Hibbard Avenue, Dumaguete City 6200, Philippines, SU PO Box 24. Telephone number (35) 422-6002 loc. 243. www.facebook.com/tWSillimanian weeklysillimanian@su.edu.ph

Opinions expressed in the columns are those of the columnists and not of tWS or of Silliman University. Comments, questions, and suggestions are highly appreciated. All submitted manuscripts become the property of tWS. Manuscripts will be edited for brevity and clarity.

This is a LAMPOON issue of tWS.

(These answers are AI-generated.)

5 Ways to Procrastinate MORE EFFICIENTLY

by NINA ALOLOD

It is inevitable that we turn to social media whenever we get tired or bored of doing school work. Our pesky hands just cannot help but wander towards our phones in search of that sweet dopamine hit that relieves us from the mindnumbing reading materials or unfinished requirements. However, there are plenty of other methods to procrastinate other than doom scrolling on Twitter, or working out your thumb by tuning in to the endless abyss of Tiktok. Without further ado, here are some ways you can be more inefficient with your academics:

1. Befriend your local cats.

There are plenty of stray cats roaming around campus that need your pets. The soft fur of the library cat cannot possibly compete with the third video you’ve watched about the hottest celebrity beefs. Not only will you be able to take part in the cycle of library cat’s endless headpats, but you will also receive the amazing feeling of knowing that you have not contributed to your already too long screen time.

2. Touch grass.

Whether this sentiment is suggestive or not, definitely touch grass. The university has so many trees and flowers waiting to be caressed by your sweaty fingers.

Touching grass (or any form of fauna) will remind you of just how precious the endangered environment is and will hopefully prompt you to add another eco bag to your collection instead of using plastic.

3. Talk to your family.

When was the last time you called your family and told them you loved them? Time is passing by quickly and you cannot waste another moment staring longingly at your childhood photos on Facebook, when your poor mother is waiting for you on the other side of the phone. This is the only time you get to use your phone now. Use it wisely while you can!

4. Talk to yourself.

If you don’t want to talk to your family, that’s fine. You can talk to yourself! Crazy right? (pun intended). You may be wondering, why can’t I just talk to my friends? The answer is quite simple: your friends will never understand you the way you understand yourself. Find the nearest mirror and talk to your reflection about anything under the sun. Additionally, you can also pretend to be a famous celebrity that’s on their first red carpet interview. Just make sure no one is around to see, or else you’ll never hear the end of it.

5. Think about your life.

You’re already facing the mirror and you cannot help but let your mind drift to the consequences of staying away from your homework.

ICYMI: Silliman Goes Vegan

by DAWN TIAOSON

You let your mind spiral into the possible effects of this decision. Would you become the next Steve Jobs by walking on this path of reckless truancy? Or will it lead to not graduating at all? Whatever it is, the clock is ticking and you’ll find yourself closer to the deadline if you stay still. And so, with cat fur on your shirt and your family’s well wishes, you return to your desk–already anticipating the next time you’re able to get away.

Now that you’ve learned new ways to procrastinate more efficiently with your homework, it would do you well to consistently apply these tactics in your everyday life. Why bother cleaning those dirty plates you’ve had in your sink for weeks when you can search for a stray animal to pet? There’s no need to do your laundry when you can immerse yourself in nature. When you’re on your deathbed, would you rather regret not being a good student or would you rather reminisce all the times you’ve had fun away from your phone? The possibilities are endless and it’s up to you on whether or not you choose to stay in the limited confines of your screen. tWS

Silliman is washing its hands off being an enabler of unhealthy choices that can compromise human health. Marine Testing Group (MARITES) says fishes were found morbidly containing microplastics, swine products are pulled out because of the “supposed” flu (bombastic side eye), and cattle are exposed to the highly super duper dangerous – rays of sun.

According to the Silliman Learned Administration Youth (SLAY) Research Team, an alarming seven out of ten dissected fishes contained microplastic particles inside their bellies. This prompted the university to make its biggest decision yet – to go vegan.

And in case you missed it, here are the new dishes on the menu:

1. Adobong Cheese bread

As part of Silliman’s attraction, cheese bread will now take a new form. One of the Sillimanians’ favourite pastries will now be mixed with vinegar, soy sauce, and lots of seasoning to become

the new identity of exquisite Asian fusion. Adobong cheese bread will be 120 pesos per serving.

2. Ginataang crinkles (LOL Whut?)

As cheese bread’s closest rival, crinkles will now be one with “gata” or coconut juice and jackfruits to achieve a creamy consistent taste. It’s creamy and can pass off as your entree and dessert for lunch. Ginataang crinkles will be 100 pesos per serving.

3. Dinuguan de Silliman

Instead of using the pork’s insides, Silliman’s version of Dinuguan will focus on the utilization of tempura as a substitute. This will still be dark in color so students may not find it weird. This dish will be 90 pesos per serving. These changes may seem crazy, but we can always just move on and respect each others’ opinion. It is one of the duties of people to be mindful of what they eat, and how they affect the environment through the things they consume. Be one with Silliman as it goes vegan! tWS

LISTEN TO

Sasakyan Kita

Gladys and the Boxers

the Weekly Gossip (tWG):

Check out this new personality test!

by FRUSTRATED SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCER

This week’s gossip brought to you by the Weekly Gossip (tWG), the newest personality test about you! The bots farm finally reaped the harvest (pun intended) of the newest advances in technology by programming itself to create a personality test for internet-scrollers.

Some say it’s a sham, but believers argue it is AI.

One-hit Wonder

Are your takes “cancellable”?

The online world is a very very harsh place. Hot takes never fail to draw flak. From liberated views that spite the online Marites-esto the eternal conversation on what is a relationship’s bare minimum, the internet just doesn’t let any topic miss.

If you are just ready to handle the heat of the kitchen, and you are on the lookout for the next viral video then this is you! But tread this path with caution if you don’t want to be the next face of – wait for it –the next living meme.

Strength: Unbothered

Weakness: Bad publicity

Greatness Guru

You are probably just one step away from a mental breakdown thanks to your stable routines. Living on overnight oats (probably) and motivation, we’ll just dare ask, how do you even do that?

When you are either a morning person or the type of person who is trying to be just that on social media, then you are definitely the Greatness Guru. And for sure it is a no brainer that we

“Sasakyan Kita” is a Filipino novelty song that rose to popularity in the early 2000s. It is a poetic love song about riding someone. The group contains two female vocalists and a male vocalist. The sound of Gladys and the Boxers With K is dominated by a novelty ambience, exemplified by the album’s opening track.

“Give me space”

by LEA CAÑIZARES

binge-watch your content to feed our daily tank of motivation towards greatness, promising ourselves that tomorrow is the day we change (but we still don’t).

Strength: Wakes up before the sun

Weakness: Sleeps early Binge-watcher

Aren’t we all? Do I still have to explain? We’re stuck in the loop of the algorithm that favors our wants but not our needs. That’s the headline.

Strength: Self-aware

Weakness: Stubborn

Do you resonate with a certain personality above? If not, don’t fret. We’ll feed you gossip and trends again next week only here on the Weekly Gossip! tWS

In campus, there’s a battle we fight, A struggle for spots, day and night. We circle the lot, eyes on the prize, A spot that’s close, oh what a surprise!

The competition is fierce, it’s a race, To claim a spot, to find our place. We dodge other cars and pedestrians too, Hoping to score a spot, it’s all we can do.

We’ll wait for someone to leave the space, And rush to fill it, at a quick pace. But sometimes we’re too late, it’s already taken, And we’re forced to keep on searching, our hearts shaken.

It’s a never-ending battle, it seems, or a coveted spot, to fulfill our dreams. But in the end, we’ll find a place to park, And feel a sense of victory, a little spark.

So let’s laugh, make light of this plight, A shared struggle, a daily fight. We’ll keep circling, but we won’t give in, For a parking spot in Silliman, we’ll always win!

CHECK US OUT!

fb.com/tWSillimanian @tWSillimanian @twsillimanian twsillimanian.com

ACCEPTING COLUMN SUBMISSIONS

You may send your 300-500 words opinion write-up to the Weekly Sillimanian email: weeklysillimanian@su.edu.ph. You are free to choose your topic.

Kindly include your full name and a photo of yourself. Please submit in an editable file format. For inquiries, contact us through our social media accounts.

frompage1| SU Campus Water... and Chismosas student, using seawater is more practical because Silliman is beside the sea.

“If you are really loyal to Silliman, you will only use seawater,” he said.

Earlier this school year, #BoycottSillimanWater went viral on Twitter after students shared their dismay at the quality of water on campus.

“Our tuition is so mahal [expensive], like why is our water not good? It should be sparkling water nalang [instead],” said one student in an online rant.

SUSG releases banned words, repeat-offenders to be expelled

by DING ANG BATO

TO ALLEVIATE growing tensions between student government political parties Concerted Actions to Upend Sure in Elections (CAUSE) and Student United to Rise above causE (SURE), the Silliman University Suspicious Government (SUSG) has released a list of banned words, expelling students that commit it more than five times, starting Monday.

The ban will be enforced on all Sillimanians, with the words “sure,” “blue,” “cause,” and “green” at the top of the list.

SUSG President Oniichan Enratatata said, “This is to make certain that this year’s Hunger Games elections will be as unbiased as possible.”

However, he clarified that the ban will only apply if spoken. “Using these words on a written medium, such as posters and on the wall is allowed.”

He stated the penalties will be based on the student’s ranking on the SUSG ladder.

“Regular students will be penalized

Solutions for Issue 15’s Word Search.

P100 per offense, SUSG execution committee members will be penalized P500, heads will be penalized P1,000, and the running candidates will be penalized P10,000.”

Meanwhile, students took to social media their concerns over the high penalty prices and the “lack of transparency.”

“What will they do with all that money? SUSG is looking real suspish,” said one student in an online bardagulan[online-fighting].

However, SUSG Vice-President Kya~ Boo said in an interview with the Weekly Sillimanian that all the money collected will be “reallocated for the construction of the longawaited MedTech building.”

On the implementation of the ban, Boo said that the SUSG Committee on Elections will be stationing disguised members across the campus to catch all offenders.

“There’s no point in hiding. We will en-certain all offenders will be caught,” warned Boo. tWS

word search

Archery

Badminton

Diving

Formula

Gymnastics

‘Onion subsidy’ over wage hike: SU to employees

by INN F. LACION

AFTER REACHING a deadlock during negotiations on salary increases for faculty and staff, the Silliman University (SU) administration offered to give a monthly subsidy for the purchase of red onions if their initial offers were to be accepted.

Representatives for the SU administration discussed these terms and other provisions for the 2022-2028 collective bargaining agreement with the University Workers Union (UWU) in a meeting moderated by the Department of Slavery and Exploitation (DOLE) on Sunday.

Atty. Abe Ugado, head negotiator for the administration, said that the university shouldering the “astronomical” price of red onions should be a “generous enough” benefit for its workers.

“Silliman is often accused of giving insufficient wages to its workers, but many forget that the university offers the best benefits— like onions,” Ugado added. “That is the very reason why SU remains a top university with top quality professors to this day.”

Despite further negotiations ensuing from the offer, all sides were still unable to reach an

agreement, with DOLE scheduling another meeting on the next pineapple harvesting season.

UWU President Gino Ongguro said that, while the move to offer the benefit was appreciated, the administration must also give subsidies for white onions, sugar, and tropical fruits for their union to accept admin’s terms.

“Not only is the red onion issue so last year, but there are many other necessities that have also skyrocketed in price,” Ongguro said during the negotiations.

Onii-chan Enratatata, president of the SU Suspicious Government (SUSG), supported UWU in a statement posted on Facebook urging more subsidies if higher wages cannot be granted.

Enratatata said that granting more food subsidies to teachers is not only their right, but will improve students’ mental health by making teachers “less cranky and more amiable to [assignment] extensions.”

“As the student handbook says: ‘You’re not you when you’re hungry.’ Our teachers should also be allowed to educate us to the best of their abilities without undue hindrances,” he added. tWS

PyroComm blasts SU for backing ‘sky reclamation’

by BARBIE THE JOURNALIST

SILLIMAN UNIVERSITY

Suspicious Government Pyrolysis Committee (PyroComm) said that the SU Administration is “ridiculous” to support the proposed “sky reclamation” project in a tweet on Sunday.

The tweet read, “The admin is ridiculous! We are saving our marine life by turning our backs on the 169 reclamation, but what about the air? What about our birds?! T-T”

Surfiing Swimming

Taekwondo

Volleyball

Weightlifitng

PyroComm chairperson Prince Zuko said in an interview with the Weekly Sillimanian that aside from the air pollution, the floating sky island will cause “unnecessary sky traffic” due to the birds and airplanes.

“We heavily urge the admin to rethink their decision in supporting this project because it will really harm everyone,” Zuko added.

Meanwhile, Janice Bellemariano vice-president for development, enterprises, and extra-marital affairs said that the floating island has “many benefits.” Tourism will go up since it will look “really cool,” she said.

She added that it is “actually more environmentally friendly because the local government will limit air pollution by using solar panel-charged helicopters to construct the land.”

SU President Beth McCrispyqueen also expressed support for the sky reclamation project.

“Silliman will be a pioneer in this architectural marvel since the floating island will be located on top of our campus. I urge Sillimanians to support this cause even if they don’t fully understand,” she said. tWS