trans girl narratives for yr consumption - - -
part two - - leaves torn from a weeping willow
antithesis * second wind vs. second chance * second guesses
once more with feeling once with more feeling * echoes, echoing
*
part two
s a d crazy girl seeks love
devour me
destroy me
key of F chords: aminor, cmajor, dminor notes: e, g, f maj 1st, min 3rd, maj 5th, min 6th 6, 1, 3, 5
broken heart broken brain (is it better to be broken or just bad?) (you can fix things that are broken)
YOU ARE A DIRTY PERVERTED PREDATOR YOU ARE A DIRTY PERVERTED PREDATOR YOU ARE A DIRTY PERVERTED PREDATOR YOU ARE A DIRTY PERVERTED PREDATOR YOU ARE A DIRTY PERVERTED PREDATOR YOU ARE A DIRTY PERVERTED PREDATOR YOU ARE A DISGUSTING PERVERTED PREDATOR YOU ARE A DIRTY PERVERTED PREDATOR YOU ARE A DIRTY PERVERTED PREDATOR YOU ARE DIRTY YOU PERVERTED PIECE OF SHIT YOU ARE A DIRTY PERVERTED PREDATOR YOU ARE A DIRTY VILE PREDATOR YOU ARE A DIRTY PERVERTED PREDATOR
I’m sorry
hey, i’m sorry
i don’t really know what’s happening
I’m sorry
i don’t understand
i’m sorry hey, I wanted to talk... I’m sorry
THEY DON’T LOVE YOU
LIKE I LOVE YOU
s a d crazy girl seeks self
"Lesbians can appropriate the stylistic features associated with stereotyped women's language, or they can consciously reject those features. One of the most salient stereotypes about lesbians' speech patterns, for instance, concerns the use of 'flat intonation.'" (Queen 241) "The speakers in extracts 1.1 and 1.2 are able to perform a lesbian identity by performing a recognizable feminine identity, but by inserting incongruous utterances into a gender-typical discourse structure" (Morrish 49)
CURRENT MOOD:
PIET MONDRIAN’S TREES (not my artwork)
names I considered before deciding on willow: madison lauren sara nicole lia morgan
IT GIRL. RAG DOLL NOT A GIRL BUT A WITCH IT GIRL. RAG DOLL NOT A GIRL BUT A WITCH IT GIRL. RAG DOLL
I’m tired of my validity as a lesbian / woman / human being dependent on how well I meet certain standards of beauty and appearance. Standards, which, are primarily shaped by the arbitrary demands of the male gaze, and are specifically constructed to exclude trans women.
I don’t want to be required to be beautiful.
sometimes I want to be ugly.
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. 2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. 3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. 4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). 7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) 9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
s a d crazy girl seeks help
we slowly replace the dead with ghosts
I FEEL SO DEAD
"extreme male brain"
"extreme female brain"
"brain sex"
"unstable self-image or sense of self"
diagnoses are bullshit
instructions for successfully getting up in the morning: • try to get physically out of bed before both of yr roommates have left the room • if you are still in bed when they are both gone, chances are you’re just gonna lay there and be sad. try to avoid this. • put on a music. • this can help you not space out as much. • sara has probably sent you an 8tracks recently. try listening to it. • make concrete plans for the next time that you are going to see/interact with a person • so you don’t fall into the void that is Being Alone With No Direction • make concrete plans for when yr next meal is going to be. • preferably arrange to have this meal with someone, so you aren’t tempted to skip it.
• break down the getting ready process into small steps • bc you are never going to do it otherwise. • also be sure to allocate more time than necessary bc you are definitely going to spend some of that time staring into space • put on yr eyeliner first • yes this is a complicated step but it will make you feel so much better if you happen to see yourself in the mirror. bc you def want to avoid the “oh no i look gross w/o eyeliner” dysphoria/panic attacks right now • come up with a list of things that you need to do • make sure you include both productive things (aka getting dressed, homework, etc.) as well as fun things (maybe watching a music video that you like? or looking at pictures of trees and/ or castles?)
memories from the psych ward: • you will lose track of time
• smile, sit very still
• do not let them see you cry
• other patients will stare at you
• be ready for That Look whenever you explain that you are a trans woman
the night is dark and full of terrors
sad girl, synthesized
robot girl, drama queen
a freewrite from the First Big Sad the disconnect this isn't working THIS ISN'T WORKING / lights on the freeway, shining through the rain, gray mist / self-correction erosion of desire steel chains and claws black crystal bird elegant and terrifying death and beauty / shadows of action mountains of doubt, caves of memories / required laughter misdirected glances / shiver, spine of ice what we want to see what we want to feel bitter /
overwhelming fear enveloped with fright controlling I told you so look at me, dammit see? / there's something about laying here something that makes you feel different apart do you want to go back? do I want to go back? / just pulling forward a house on a river pieces floating apart pulling them back together like a spider building a fragile web catching others /
a trans woman is always The Other
we are valued more dead than alive
s a d crazy girl seeks more
wait
i’m not done no