Alexandra Romanouskaya Anna Werigo Ekaterina Konovalova Katerina Shuleika
Before we started this project, the main objective we had was to know each other better and find what brings us together. Instead, we found something that sets us apart. Precisely, it turned out that two of us come from families where parents are married and have always been together. Whereas the parents of the other 50% of our group at some point got divorced. We decided to dig deeper on that and find out how this influenced us, if at all. This book is a product of our thoughts, thoughts of other people, dry and cold statistics, and warm and so helpful parental advice. It’s not about divorce, it’s about diversity of opinions, reasons and consequences it has on those involved, diversity of possible forms family can take on.
I think it’s just part of living in a consumer culture where we’re always buying something new, renovating our homes, and remaking ourselves.
Do you think your parent’s happy in their marriage?
- they could not You know what is the most important in life? Independence... beFromhappy everyone and together everyting.
When you learn to stay independent no matter with whom you are and what the political situation is
Then you will be fine.
My family. And relationship between my parents. It’s rather hard to write an essay without popular cliсhe. I was born on the 18th of july in 1995 and next four years haven’t remembered me with any outstanding events, to tell the truth I don’t remember them at all. I think my parents used to love each other at that time (at least they worked as a team against my genial plans and terroristic attacks). I’ve started my essay with my date of birth because my parents have married and lived together for 5 years before me. They studied at the same university, had the same friends and same surrounding. During my adolesence world seemed to be unknown and a little bit disturbing. Also it was the time when my parents broke down. There was no shouting, breaking grandmas’ tea set (my grandma is quet austere woman so it was dangerous for ones living) or something from american mass-market movies. It was just «Oh, well I’ve got tired it’s not my cup of tea anymore». Does it influenced me? Yes, first of all I was less controlled teenager than practically all my friends (I could do practically whatever I want). And the fault than divorced parents have- less critics more candies. I think that my parents done everything right.
In reality, love (as the Bible points out) is about sacrifice. In today’s society that is certainly made secondary to being happy.
Certainly, in Western societies, we have been somewhat brainwashed by romance novels and movies into an idea of romantic love.
Why did your parents get divorced?
-Why did your parents get divorced?
How close are your parents?
- Very close, we have a small flat.
My parents got divorced after 12 years of really happy and harmonic marriage. I was about 9 and my sister was about 5. It was a real tragedy as I remember it. Mom was crying all the time. She initiated the divorce. The reason was another woman, who my father dated on the side for a quiet a long time. The situation all in all was tricky, he was not going to leave us in any way, he thought that having a mistress was ok and he kind of had this right to do so. My mom had different idea. She talked to this woman and was trying to bring her to reason, she was talking about two small kids and so on. The thing is that I know my mom’s perspective quiet good, and I only have rough idea (also mom’s opinion) about feeling of my dad at that moment. So, my mother left my dad. We had an apartment and a brand-new house, but for some reasons we could not return to our old flat, so we spent about a year in a small flat of my mother’s parents. It was a tough and confusing year for me. I don’t remember how I was told about divorce, so i assumed that they preferred not to explain anything to a 9 year old, but i’ve recently asked my mom and she she said that we had a conversation. I don’t remember. At all. Because it was unbearable for my mom to be present at our house after all of that, she left a lot of clothes and other stuff in our house. Every time when we went to visit dad she asked me to bring something for her. I did it, but a lot of things i just couldn’t find and i wasn’t enough persistent, it was awkward for me then. I am ashamed of that felling. I could have helped my mother a lot more. A lot of things went missing. The first thing that Ira did, she placed all of our and my mom’s stuff outside. Not sure what she was going to do next, throw it away or just hide it at the garrage. My dad stayed silent. The is a suspicion that Ira sold most of my mother’s clothes. I can imaging it. She was quiet practical woman and she loved her clothes. My father was very busy. He was recovering from betrayal. Very stressed and depressed he just couldn’t see what was going on. I still feel angry for him for being so self-absorbed. I think my mother is a very strong woman, that’s confuses me because most of the time she is being way too soft and can not stand up for her interests. She could have stayed in the house and could have lived there.
They were in divorce for 7 years. My mom was me and my sisters everything. She did not find another man. No doubt she was dating occasionally, but not even one sign of real and serious relationship. That’s really strange for me. She is a beautiful woman and when she was married dad was sometimes jealous, but once she got divorced most of her admirers were gone. I assume, they were afraid of my father or something. My dad at the same time was miserable with Ira. I have no idea why he stayed with her for so long. Oh, this were really bizarre relationship. He was yelling all the time when he was with her, even though he was trying to control his temper when they were with us. Still, I’ve never ever heard for a man to humiliate his woman like that. I cannot understand her reasons to stay. At the time dad had a lot of problems with his business. Ira’s dad and brother stared working for him and we even heard rumors that they with all their family were stealing money rom my father. I don’t think he deserved it. Not like that. Not from them. After 7 years in divorce my parents went back together. I don’t really know how to explain that without compromising private life of my parents. I lived alone at our apartment for 2 years and they I went to university. My sister and mom went back to our house. Oh, and funny story: our apartment and our house are like 5 minutes away from each other. I don’t remember how to be a family, I don’t know how it works. I prefer to ignore experience of my parents. I have an idealistic ideas about mutual understanding and complete honesty with each other. I don’t feel that I can change anything in my family. There are two grown-ups who just want to survive this life. I know that I have to build up a new family. My own. And I expected it to be as honest as possible, that’s what’s important for me. I am looking for understanding and I won’t change it for less. I hate being vulnerable. I’m afraid of it. But now I’m ready to be hurt in order to find what I’m looking for. At the end of the day, I have nothing to blame my parents for. I love them both, i really do. They are just as confused about life as I’m being a 19-years old. I don’t think there ever will be clear answers, that i’m hoping for. But it’s ok. I’m ok with it now.
How did your relatives call your parents?
-How did your relatives call your parents?
-Sveta and Volodya,no tenderness just hardcore.
I think there is a huge pressure on modern marriage: your spouse has to be your best friend, lover, coparent, financial advisor, career advisor, co-house-keeper, nurse/ carer, and many other things. If you were recruiting, you’d hire a small army of part-time workers to fullfil that position!
What will be the best word to characterize your parents’ marriage?
-FAIL
Do you think your parents are happy in their marriage?
-God knows. Women think their husbands stole their best years.
76% of divorces in Canada are initiated by women
You know what is the most importaint in life? Independence... From everyone and everything. When you learn to stay independent no matter with whom you are and what the political situation is, then you will be fine.
From the perspective of Asian nations, without any doubt, the most important reason is woman’s liberation & education.
How close are your parents?
What shall I start with? Well, my parents got married in August of 1989. They had me 1,5 years later. Honestly, I don’t know how long they dated before that and have no information on the emotional part of this whole thing. In my family, we don’t usually discuss this kind of stuff. In that sense, I am pretty different from the majority of the people I know. Almost all of them can tell the love story of their parents, some funny or cute things that happened to them when they were young, crazy and madly in love with each other. I can’t. They never told me. I know how they met and that at some point they got married. Actually, my father told me once that he married my mom because he felt responsible for her. It’s not that my mom was unable to take care of herself. It’s just that she was very traditional and he felt that a man should take responsibility. That being said, my dad had a bad example of his own father who didn’t care of the family at all. The bottom line is that I never heard about romantic love in my family. By now, my parents have already been married for 26 years. They almost never fight. Although, my mom is not a patient person so often she would get irritated. However, my dad does not respond to those things. I would say he’s the head of our family and he’s the one responsible for the financial state of it and all the major things. My father is a smarty and “do all” kind of man. He does not have even bachelor’s degree, but he’s just naturally smart. He’s good at almost everything and highly appreciated everywhere he appears. My mom works as well. Also, she does all the housework which is basically the major reason for her to complain. Are they happy in their marriage? I don’t know. I think they are… Marriage and the perception of it are conditional. So probably, my mom considers her marriage to be a good one in terms of her generation. My dad… I’m not sure about him, he’s too complicated. But I guess he’s also quite ok with it. To some extent, they are a good, although not so perfect, match. How did their relationship influenced me? Well, I definitely look for emotions now (although I am not good at expressing them), can’t stand sugary words and always keep it calm with men. Moreover, I learned that I don’t want my relationship to be based on mutual (or one-side) dependence which is the way it is in my family. Education and clear interests in life are the best vaccines against it. That’s the second time I’m getting vaccinated so far… I can’t say that the example of my parents made me less likely to get divorced at some point. Although, it definitely taught me pick a partner very carefully.
- I’ve never heard about romantic love in my family
Your education is the most valuable thing in the world.
Don’t drop the university!
Welcome to Belarus: the Brides are Waiting
Belarus = Ivanovo
According to The Economist, Belarus occupies the fourth highest place in the world for divorce, behind South Korea, Russia and Aruba. Marriage is just one step which couples take in the direction of a happy family life. But the really big thing has to do with sustaining the relationship. Here the Belarusians seem to have serious difficulties. Belarus is a world leader in terms of the divorce rate. According to the World in Figures 2013, published by the Economist, the country ranks number 4 worldwide. Unlike the marriage rate, the divorce rate has stayed generally even throughout the years of sovereignty. Around 35,000 families break apart every year. In January-October of this year the Belarusian Statistics Agency reports 4.2 divorces per 1,000 citizens. It is higher than in all neighbouring states but Russia. Interestingly, high numbers of divorces were also registered in Belarus back in the 1980s and 1990s. But because of the falling marriage statistics of the recent decade the ratio of marriages to divorces is growing. Today it is roughly 2 to 1. The marriage and divorce trends in Belarus generally correspond to global trends.The US scholars explain the findings by the fact that the technological progress of the last 60 years makes it easier for singles to maintain their own home. arrying at a later age is another M worldwide trend which is also typical of present day Belarus. On average, women in Belarus get married at the age of 24.5 years and men at the age of 26.6 years. A number of factors can explain these statistics. Traditions and societal pressure on women to get married early is definitely a reason in Belarus. Another lies in the
he unstable economy affects the T marital choices of Belarusians in one more way. It is reflected in the increase of marriages with foreigners. Belarusians simply seek to leave their motherland by marrying nationals of other countries. Since 2000, the annual number of such marriages has more than doubled. Today, it makes up to 6-7 per cent of all the registered marriages in the country. This looks quite high given the fact that Belarus has high visa and language barriers. The majority of marriages are with citizens of Russia and Ukraine who have no visa or language problems in Belarus. Russians alone account for 25-30 per cent of all cases. Marriages with aliens are more widespread among Belarusian women. For some, marrying a foreigner is a life-long ambition. They dream of a rich alien who can take them away from Belarus and provide a high standard of living. In the last decade, the number of marriages in Belarus has fluctuated. In the Eastern European context, Belarus places somewhere between its CIS and EU neighbours. For example, the Russians and Ukrainians have higher marriage rates: 8.5 per 1,000 and 7.8 per 1,000 respectively. The unstable economy affects the marital choices of Belarusians in one more way. It is reflected in the increase of marriages with foreigners. Belarusians simply seek to leave their motherland by marrying nationals of other countries. Since 2000, the annual number of such marriages has more than doubled. Today, it makes up to 6-7 per cent of all the registered marriages in the country.
Number of marriages per person. Belarus.
0 1
>2
2
Because romantic love is conditional, and conditions change.
All ingredients must be diced for Oliver salad.
reajust your priorities
The prevailing attitude of «replace broken things» rather than «fix broken things».
Do you have household duties?
-I return there.
I was born two months before my parents eights anniversary of their life together. This year,in August, we have celebrated 28 years of their marriage. Over the years, so many things happened: someone lost a job and was not able to find it, someone had experienced the death of a parent, someone moved from kindergarten to school, someone was ill, someone was thinking about what to do after leaving a school, someone tried to support his child, and someone played on his parents nerves... Do my parents fight? Of course, they do. It’s normal, isn’t it? How often? I don’t know, and how is this determined? I think, it’s good for my parents relationship that I live separate from them. Sometimes, particularly I am an involuntary provoker of their fights. At the same time, I know that they really missed me. In my opinion, they have too similar characters, but they certainly deny it. During this 28 years there were terrible quarrels, when I wanted to take them to the divorce myself and such an amusing breathtaking moments that I will keep in memory during all my life. I guess, the reason that my parent are still together is that good moments are the main part of their memory about their life together. Hope, we will continue to collect those good family memories, good family memories.
Marriages don’t stay strong by themselves because that ain’t a magic. Put the effort in making it work. Now this is what is lacking in the western world.
Get rid of the what ifs, the blame game and the grass is always greener syndrome as soon as possible.
You should not give up, be a fighter
Have rituals of connection
Well, as a 90 year old man who just celebrated our 65th anniversary I can attest to Chemistry (not related to physical science-I personally am a retired Chemist), sex, (we still do some form of it at our ages (she is 87). A mixed marriage did not detract (I am Jewish, she is a Puerto Rican Catholic). It took a lot of work and a strong sense of humour to survive this long. We met on a blind date in college and the collision ranked pretty high on the Richter scale, So perhaps I am not a good commentator on the subject. But I can attest to the fact that when it works, it really works. Our mutual feelings are just as strong. By the way, we both have graduate degrees, mine in Chemistry and my wife's in Romance languages.
Get a better sense of humor... Quickly!
Yell, scream, have fights
with your spouse