MY RELATIONSHIP WITH... BODY IMAGE AND SELF-CONFIDENCE CW: Eating Disorders, Diet Culture, Weight Loss
I
’ve had a tough relationship with my body since I was about 15. I went to a girls’ secondary school, and it was a breeding ground for self-criticism; the best diets and the latest eating disorders were a frequent topic of conversation which seemed pretty much impossible to evade. This manifested as an incessant preoccupation with body image in my mind, which quickly led to a crippling lack of self-esteem which I haven’t been able to shake since. I’ve never had an eating disorder per se, but I’ve always had a complicated relationship with food – I love it, but sometimes eating it fills me with so much guilt that I feel sick. In the past year, I’ve been trying to change this by not beating myself up for eating unhealthily every now and again, but it’s easier said than done when I’ve been so obsessed with my weight for years now. This isn’t helped as one of my go-to responses to emotional situations is to over-indulge on food as a distraction, but it never actually helps and just makes me feel worse afterwards. Even though I know this, old habits die hard. I can’t seem to stop myself engaging in self-destructive behaviour, even though all I can think about a lot of the time is my desire to lose weight. This is massively exacerbated by continually comparing myself with others. This is a trend which started in school, and has carried over into pretty much every other environment I’ve been in since. I’ve developed a toxic inner voice, constantly attacking me with little jabs and put-downs, and I can’t seem to shut her up.
12
I’ve become hyper-aware of other women around me – I always look at their bodies on TV and in movies to try and work out whether or not they’re thinner than me. I even do it with women I pass on the street. There’s literally nothing constructive about this whatsoever, but I do it constantly, and I have no idea how to stop.
APPEARANCE & ATTRACTION
