SAVE THE TURTLES. DRINK LIKE A GROWN UP

Back when I could still remember the half cleaning product, half God knows what smell of Jesters, I was once at a pre drinks. It was a boring one. It was a Thursday, a fourth night in a row and a horse shoe of tired freshers leant against the kitchen counter. Everyone had bags under their eyes and that look on their face that asked, ‘How did I convince myself this was a good idea?’ There were two exceptions, however.

Two girlfriends bounced around, cocktails in hand, each with a metal straw staggering around the perimeter of each glass. They proudly took sips between reminding us of the treacherous environment plastic waste creates for sea creatures. They also discussed how after 150 uses, a metal straw has a lower carbon footprint than its plastic, disposable counterpart.

‘Do you know what has an even lower carbon footprint?’ Everyone thinks. ‘Drinking like a f***ing adult!’

You know, slurping from the rim and becoming reliant on a drug for no other reason than it being socially acceptable. Feeling ill for the next day until being revived by a cold one in the evening and starting cycle over again - grown up stuff. None of this politely sipping from a straw and having drinks that actually taste good and being somewhat civil. Is this a rant? Is this a pause piece? If I’m honest, I don’t know anymore but I do know that once you’ve graduated from needing extra apparatus to get fluid into your mouth without spilling it, you shouldn’t want to go back. A metal straw is at best an attempt to look cute and at worst a virtue signalling piece of eco-consumerism.

There is one thing even I will miss with the decline of the plastic straw, I must admit- the noble strawpedo. Nothing speeds the night up like bending a cheap straw round a bottle neck and dumping booze down you as fast as it can fall. As I abandon the strawpedo, a small part of me dies but I know it is for the betterment of the rest of me. Giving Shakespeare himself a run for his money, let me leave you with a poem. My Ode to the Strawpedo: I will miss you my Strawpedo Without you where will we go We saw off VKs without delay And filled up on our libidos But now that straw must disappear Bubbles and slurping will soon be here Maybe I’ll get back on the pints And piss myself and get in fights Deadly nights will take much longer Even if vodka is so much stronger How I will miss that synthetic fruity VK Oh wait, without a straw I can still drink it anyway

WORDS BY THOMAS COLLYER IMAGE BY SOPHIE WILLIAMS