I’M REALLY OCD ABOUT MY KITCHEN CUPBOARD’ AND OTHER WAYS TO SOUND LIKE A BUTTHEAD

from Wessex Scene Mental Health Issue

THE TRUE CAUSE OF NIGHT TERRORS AND WHY WE SHOULD NO LONGER FEAR THEM

Are you looking for new ways to annoy your friends? Do you enjoy being that housemate? If you’re concerned that you’re not being annoying enough, here are some great phrases that are guaranteed to drive your friends away!

• ‘I’m really OCD about my kitchen cupboard!’

This is a great way to let others know that you’re not interested in being kind or thoughtful about the language you choose. So, if you’re worried that you don’t sound insensitive enough, this casual misrepresentation of a very painful mental health disorder will make the point you’re going for. For added effect, show off your nicely organised cupboard while you say this and stand around waiting like you expect to receive a medal for your organisational skills.

• ‘Could you move your box of tea? I just really need all three cupboard shelves.’

Are you looking for a way to establish dominance over your housemates? Are you trying to explain that your groceries take top priority in the house? To really make your point, ask your housemate to move her one little box of tea -- the only thing she has for herself in this godforsaken kitchen -- and let you claim all three cupboard shelves as your own. I’m sure she’ll understand how terribly inconvenient it is to have her tea there when you’ve already claimed the entire cupboard and 95% of the fridge.

• ‘I left the heating on 24/7 last month, hope you all don’t mind paying extra!’

Because who can remember to just turn the heat off? Sure, your housemates manage to do it on a regular basis, but after you were a tiny bit chilly on one particular night, you just couldn’t be bothered to switch the heat off again. So, if you’re looking for a way to explain your skyrocketing heating bill to your housemates, the above explanation is a crowd favourite among housemates everywhere, and guaranteed to make them hate your guts! So, if you want to let the world know that you have the bank of mum and dad paying your bills and you really can’t be arsed to be considerate of anyone else, this is the explanation to go with. • ‘I tried to want to clean the bathroom.’

If you haven’t cleaned the shared bathroom since the day you moved in, this should help explain the issue to your housemates. Everyone else must clean the bathroom because they really love doing it - especially your housemates who are quietly struggling with mental illness and loads of stress - and you’ve tried to enjoy it as much as they do. But somehow, cleaning the bathroom just doesn’t sound like boatloads of fun! To be honest, you don’t really fancy cleaning soggy hair out of a shower drain. So, if your housemates are on your case because you haven’t cleaned the bathroom in a year, just explain that you tried to want to, but it just doesn’t sound fun to you. They’ll totally understand.

WORDS BY ALYSSA-CAROLINE-BURNETTE IMAGE BY FRANCES ROSE