PAUSE
*Author’s note: this piece is written as a satirical, fauxdiagnostic guide by a writer who has been diagnosed with ADHD. This piece is by no means intended to function as a genuine diagnostic tool and should not be taken as such.
H
ave you ever seen a post about ADHD and thought it really sounded like you? If you’ve never been diagnosed, you may be surprised when you see an infographic on Instagram and think, “That hits a little too close to home…” So, this article is for anyone who’s ever found themselves in that position— and especially for anyone who’s ever wondered if they should get diagnosed (but are too afraid to ask). If you think you may have ADHD, sit back, relax, read this article… and prepare to get too bored to finish it. So, without further adieu, you might have ADHD if…
even that you think you’re the most interesting person in the conversation! It’s purely just that you KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if you do not say what you’re thinking RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND, you will forget it forever. And the thing you wanted to say was really funny! Your friends would really want to hear it! So, yes, you totally cut them off in the middle of their story… but you’re sure they won’t mind once they notice how hilarious you are! Imagine if all your witticisms were lost to the world forever! That’s the kind of forgetfulness we’re dealing with here, so you better hurry up and say everything you’re thinking immediately.
You Might Have ADHD If…
Have you eaten chicken tenders three times a day for literally 3 weeks in a row? It honestly doesn’t matter to you because you can’t get enough. Next month, it’ll be something else. Same goes for your current favourite tv show— 7 seasons in one day is nothing to you— your favourite background tv show— have you seen Brooklyn Nine Nine 5,743 times? Absolutely. Is it on in the background again today? Duh— and your current favourite song, which you will listen to on repeat 73 times until you
You have absolutely no concept of time I’m not talking about being late for stuff. Everybody does that. I’m talking about the kind of time blindness that makes you leave your laundry in the washer for 2 weeks without so much as a reminder crossing your mind. Should you switch that laundry? Wash it again, perhaps? FINALLY dry it? Is it insanely annoying that you’ve forgotten it… in the communal washing machine of your apartment building and you’ve pissed off every other resident? These thoughts literally never occur to you. Worst of all, this is not the most annoying example. You might also experience the kind of time blindness that means you haven’t eaten for 8 hours… simply because you forgot. Same goes for peeing. Wasn’t there something you needed to do? Did it maybe involve the bathroom? God only knows. Oh, well— back to the TikTok rabbit hole you’ll later discover you’ve been in for 10 hours. You interrupt everybody constantly You don’t mean to be rude. Honest, you don’t. It’s not
18
You hyper-fixate on tastes, shows, and music
utterly despise it. If you do all of these things and think you’re perfectly normal… you might want to think again! And if you’ve come to the end of this list and concluded that you might indeed have ADHD, you have two options: you could speak to a professional and discuss diagnostic options OR you could text a neurodivergent instagrammer and ask her to diagnose you. Because that’s totally the better option of those two.
WORDS BY ALYSSA-CAROLINE BURNETTE IMAGE BY EMILY RALPH
NEURODIVERSITY
