You Might Have ADHD If

*Author’s note: this piece is written as a satirical, fauxdiagnostic guide by a writer who has been diagnosed with ADHD. This piece is by no means intended to function as a genuine diagnostic tool and should not be taken as such. even that you think you’re the most interesting person in the conversation! It’s purely just that you KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if you do not say what you’re thinking RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND, you will forget it forever.

And the thing you wanted to say was really funny! Your friends would really want to hear it! So, yes, you totally cut them off in the middle of their story… but you’re sure they won’t mind once they notice how hilarious you are! Imagine if all your witticisms were lost to the world forever! That’s the kind of forgetfulness we’re dealing with here, so you better hurry up and say everything you’re thinking immediately.

Have you ever seen a post about ADHD and

thought it really sounded like you? If you’ve never been diagnosed, you may be surprised when you see an infographic on Instagram and think, “That hits a little too close to home…”

So, this article is for anyone who’s ever found themselves in that position— and especially for anyone who’s ever wondered if they should get diagnosed (but are too afraid to ask). If you think you may have ADHD, sit back, relax, read this article… and prepare to get too bored to finish it. So, without further adieu, you might have ADHD if…

You have absolutely no concept of time

I’m not talking about being late for stuff. Everybody does that. I’m talking about the kind of time blindness that makes you leave your laundry in the washer for 2 weeks without so much as a reminder crossing your mind. Should you switch that laundry? Wash it again, perhaps? FINALLY dry it? Is it insanely annoying that you’ve forgotten it… in the communal washing machine of your apartment building and you’ve pissed off every other resident? These thoughts literally never occur to you. Worst of all, this is not the most annoying example. You might also experience the kind of time blindness that means you haven’t eaten for 8 hours… simply because you forgot. Same goes for peeing. Wasn’t there something you needed to do? Did it maybe involve the bathroom? God only knows. Oh, well— back to the TikTok rabbit hole you’ll later discover you’ve been in for 10 hours.

You Might Have ADHD If… You hyper-fixate on tastes, shows, and music Have you eaten chicken tenders three times a day for literally 3 weeks in a row? It honestly doesn’t matter to you because you can’t get enough. Next month, it’ll be something else. Same goes for your current favourite tv show— 7 seasons in one day is nothing to you— your favourite background tv show— have you seen Brooklyn Nine Nine 5,743 times? Absolutely. Is it on in the background again today? Duh— and your current favourite song, which you will listen to on repeat 73 times until you utterly despise it. If you do all of these things and think you’re perfectly normal… you might want to think again! And if you’ve come to the end of this list and concluded that you might indeed have ADHD, you have two options: you could speak to a professional and discuss diagnostic options OR you could text a neurodivergent instagrammer and ask her to diagnose you. Because that’s totally the better option of those two.

You interrupt everybody constantly

You don’t mean to be rude. Honest, you don’t. It’s not

WORDS BY ALYSSA-CAROLINE BURNETTE IMAGE BY EMILY RALPH

How to Offend Every Neurodivergent Person You Meet

That liminal space between Christmas and

New Year’s is a time for self- reflection. As we approach the start of a new year, our thoughts turn to ourselves and our accomplishments. We begin to wonder if we are doing enough, if there’s something we can improve. We reflect on changes we’d like to make in the coming year.

So, if you find yourself in this position and you’re thinking, “I haven’t been offensive enough this year…” fear not! This article is here to help! If you pride yourself on being insensitive towards others, if you work to ensure you are never politically correct, you’ve probably covered the usual bases this year and made jokes that are sexist, racist, or homophobic.

But if you think neurodivergent people haven't been annoyed enough-- because that whole pandemic thing wasn't stressful at all-- these tips will ensure that you leave them good and offended! Whether you’re interacting with people who have autism, OCD, anxiety, or many other neurodivergent conditions, this article will make sure you piss off all of them. Just say these ever-helpful things!

Have you tried NOT being anxious?

If someone suffers from anxiety, there’s a pretty good chance they don’t enjoy it. It’s even more likely that they’d love to find a way to make the anxiety stop. So, don’t ask them about their mental health, their treatment plan, or their experience with therapy or medication. Just go straight for this simple DIY tip that they’ve definitely never thought of before!

Obsessive Coffee/Christmas/Cat Disorder

Do you have a friend who loves cats, coffee, or Christmas? Maybe you’ve never seen them without a latte in their hand. Maybe they have a million cats or their house is always decorated for Christmas by the beginning of November. Either way, it’s pretty clear that their interest in these things defines their personality.

Unlike people who live with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, your friend “obsesses” about their interest because it genuinely brings them joy. They’re not tortured with thoughts of cats, coffee, or Christmas, and they’re not desperate to make those thoughts stop.

So, make sure you use a phrase like “Obsessive Coffee Disorder” around someone who actually has OCD. They’ll totally find it hilarious!

I’m so ADHD!

Do you occasionally forget stuff? Have you ever walked into a room and instantly forgotten what you came for? If so, congratulations! You’re just like… literally every other human on the planet. And this common human behaviour is totally (NOT) the same as having ADHD!

Everybody knows the stereotypes as perpetuated by memes— ADHD = chaotic, unorganised, and hyper. So, if you’re really committed to being offensive, make sure you don’t do your research. Or, if you absolutely insist on doing some homework about this condition, make sure you get all your info from politically incorrect meme pages on Facebook!

By the time you’ve done your Facebook homework, you’ll come to the conclusion that, at best, ADHD is funny and at worst, it’s annoying. It’s not like it’s a complex condition that also involves sensory processing problems, emotional regulation issues, or intense attacks on your self-esteem! So, go ahead! Say, “Oh my God, I’m SO ADHD!” every time you do something that isn’t 100% perfectly organised. Your ADHD friends will see the humour for sure!

WORDS BY ALYSSA-CAROLINE BURNETTE IMAGE BY SAYLI JADHAV

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