Sex & Relationships
EDITO R Charlotte Colombo editor@wessexscene.co.uk DEPUTY EDITOR Megan Crossman deputy-editor@wessexscene.co.uk H EAD O F PRI NT DES I G N Sop hie Pea ch design@wessexscene.co.uk H EAD O F I MAGERY N ina Panno ne image@wessexscene.co.uk WEB & SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER K ayleigh Littlemo re HEAD OF OUTREACH Simran Mann publicity@wessexscene.co.uk H EAD O F EVENTS Nathaniel Oluwadamilola Ogunniyi events@wessexscene.co.uk
“I’M HERE TO START AN OPEN CONVERSATION ABOUT S-E-X” As you might have guessed from the quote above, I love ‘Sex Education’ (and Gillian Anderson). It’s revolutionary in its warts-and-all approach, and greatly highlights how sex education has the potential to be so much more than avoiding gonorrhoea and pregnancy. The only sex education I had in school was through this horrifying anthropomorphic giraffe puppet called Harold, with 30 of us all piling into this hot and sticky van whilst he talked to us about the wonders of the human body. Apart from being lightly traumatising, this ‘education’ didn’t really come in handy when it came to later on in life, and I’m sure that’s the same for a lot of young people today at University. Free condoms and pictures of people with vaginal warts simply doesn’t cut it anymore. We need to demand more from our sex education.
SUB-EDITORS Joanna Magil Gaby PulestonVaudrey
It would be incredibly arrogant to say that this magazine in turn counts as some kind of sex education, and I’m not saying it does that at all.
Kai Chappell FE ATURES EDITO R B e t h A blett features@wessexscene.co.uk CREATIVE WRITING EX E CUTIVE T illy Ro ber ts OPINI O N EDI TO R Linnea Lagerstedt opinion@wessexscene.co.uk POLITICS EDITO R Patrick Lowe politics@wessexscene.co.uk SCIENCE & TECH EDITORS Lea S o ler Jorda n Truo ng ( D eputy) science@wessexscene.co.uk
What this magazine does do is try to start a dialogue about a number of important topics: including contraception (p.5), age-gap relationships (p.14), STDs (p.22) and being single (p.24). Indeed, Wessex Scene’s investigation into body image and sex positivity (p.8) shows that this is a conversation that desperately needs to be had, with over half of respondents saying that they believe they didn’t receive an adequate, sex-positive-focussed education. Although talking about these kind of things so openly is enough to make some people cringe (myself included), I believe that it is important that we break down the stigma around sex and relationships in order to make it easier for us to access the help and advice we need. As always, I’d like to thank my committee, writers and illustrators for helping to make this issue happen and open up this dialogue – but remember ladies: don’t have sex, or you will get pregnant and die.
Your editor,
LIFESTYLE EDI TO R Marco Preta ra lifestyle@wessex sce ne .c o .uk
CHARLOTTE COLOMBO
IN T ERNA TIO NAL E D I TO R H e n ry S ha h international@wessexscene.co.uk
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this magazine belong to each author alone - Wessex Scene is a neutral publication which aims to publish views from across the student body. To respond with an opposing opinion, please contact opinion@wessexscene.co.uk or join our Opinion Writers’ Group.
T RAVEL EDI TO R Hazel Jonckers travel@wessexscene.co.uk SPOR TS EDITO R Luke Ebbs sport@wessexscene.co.uk PAU SE EDITO R Tom Ford pause@wessexscene.co.uk N EWS & INVESTIGA TI O N S news/investigations@wessexscene. co.uk
Emily Dennis
Ben Dolbear
Imy Brighty-Potts
Content Warning: As well as covering themes of a mature nature, this magazine contains reference to issues such as homophobia, domestic violence and mental health. Reader discretion is advised. FRONT COVER IMAGE BY Alivia Osborn
FEATURES
OPINION 12 THE ‘ROUGH SEX’ DEFENCE - A NEW FORM OF VICTIM BLAMING? 14 AN INVESTIGATION OF AGE GAPS IN RELATIONSHIPS: WHEN DOES A NUMBER BECOME MORE THAN A NUMBER FOR A WOMAN?
BODY IMAGE: A COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP
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MORE THAN JUST THE PILL: A GUIDE TO CONTRACEPTION
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STOPPING THE CENSORSHIP: SEX POSITIVITY & THE FEMINIST WAVE
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WESSEX SCENE INVESTIGATES: BODY IMAGE & SEX POSITIVITY
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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN SOUTHAMPTON
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POLITICS MARGRET THATCHER: HERO OR 16 VILLAIN?
SCIENCE & TECH 19 ALL THE WEIRD AND BIOLOGICAL: EROS AND THE ANIMAL KINGDOM
INTERNATIONAL 26 THE AIDS CRISIS: HOW A GOVERNMENT FAILED THE GAY COMMUNITY
LIFESTYLE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH... AN STI 22 MY RELATIONSHIP WITH ... THE PILL 23 MY RELATIONSHIP WITH ... BEING 24 SINGLE
TRAVEL RELATIONSHIP NORMS WHILE 28 TRAVELLING 30 MISADVENTURES ABROAD
PAUSE 32 HOW TO SPICE UP A SEX LIFE IN UNDER 30 MINUTES
MANAGING A LONG DISTANCE 31 RELATIONSHIP
34 IT’S NOT ME IT’S YOU: HOW TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR PARTNER
W ESSEX SCENE. CO . UK @ W ES S E XS CE NE
F B . C OM / W S C E N E @OF F IC IAL W E S S E X S C E N E 3
SEX & RELATIONSHIPS
Body Image: A Complicated Relationship WORDS BY KAYLEIGH LITTLEMORE IMAGES BY NERICE HOLDEN Body image is something that in recent years has been heavily discussed (and rightfully so), but there are a few myths about body image I’m going to quickly bust. Firstly, body image impacts everyone, no matter what gender, sexual orientation, race, age and so on. Secondly, just because someone looks a certain way does not mean they do not struggle with their body image. On that same note, just because someone looks a certain way does not mean that they do. You cannot assume someone’s relationship with body image because of the way they look. Thirdly, people that have a negative relationship with their body do not necessarily have a body dysmorphic disorder. Equally, that does not mean we should trivialise body dysmorphic disorders, as they are serious and deserve to be treated as such. Yes, there will be more I have not mentioned, but I can only speak from personal experience and the experiences I have heard from others.
improve my relationship with body image?’ which on the surface sounds incredibly unhelpful but, it is the truth. The relationship everyone has with body image is a personal one, meaning that there cannot be one universal answer. However, it does mean that when people express the ways they have dealt with it, you can see if any of that works for you. All I can offer is how I have dealt with body image and hope that someone out there finds my tips and tricks helpful. I was bullied in primary school for my appearance, and despite the fact I left primary school 10 years ago, I can still feel the effects of that today. I was lucky enough to escape my bullies. I was not bullied in my secondary school, but this did not mean that my relationship with body image was improving. I felt like I couldn’t talk about it, so I kept quiet. Then, college came around and I met someone who, for the first time, genuinely made me feel beautiful. However, I felt that I had to work on my relationship with my body by myself. A while after University started, I joined Zumba and flooded my feed with images from the body positivity movement, and this is what has really helped me with my body image. The Zumba made me feel more healthy, and exercising releases what is known as ‘happy endorphins’. The body positivity movement exposed me to more body types, an this took away the illusion of the perfect body I had believed in for so long. This may not work for everyone, and it took me a while to find what worked for me, but finding a movement of like-minded people is not a bad start. They may be able to give different advice that works for you. Even writing this article is my way of trying to continue to improve the relationship I have with my body image.
When I Googled body image, the definition (from our intellectual overlord Wikipedia) essentially said it is how one perceives how their body looks in comparison to societal standards. People have extensively talked about what governs these standards, and if I attempted to write a comprehensive list, I would be here all day. What a lot of these do have in common, however, is the role of the media (both traditional and new) and what we, the consumer, are being exposed to. Despite the damage done by social media, it has also been where we have seen movements grow to try and change this distorted idea that the media (and society as a whole) should be able to govern how we should look. Whilst this discussion has been useful, I think that it needs to shift to being more about how to help when someone has a negative relationship with their body image. There is no simple answer to the question: ‘How do I 4
Sex & Relationships
FEATURES
More Than Just the Pill: A Guide to Contraception WORDS BY GABY PAULSTON VAUDREY IMAGES BY REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH SUPPLIES COALITION VIA UNSPLASH Most of us know about using condoms or the pill. However, the information out there about other methods of contraception can be less easy to access. Having the power to make informed choices is so important, so here is our handy guide to some less obvious methods of contraception:
which releases both progestogen and oestrogen. It lasts for a month, with keeping the ring in for 21 days before having a break of up to 7 days. The ring can make periods lighter and relieve symptoms of PMS. Plus, you can have sex and use tampons with the ring still in place.
The Implant (More than 99% effective)
The Patch (More than 99% effective)
A small, flexible rod which is placed under the skin of your upper arm, the implant releases progestogen to prevent pregnancy for 3 years. Whilst it can help those with heavy or painful periods, it can also make periods more irregular. An appointment to have the implant put in takes about 20 minutes, and you’ll be given a local anaesthetic to prevent pain.
This is a small, sticky patch which releases oestrogen and progestogen. Each patch is worn for one week, and must be worn for three consecutive weeks before taking a week’s break. It can help with heavy or painful periods, but is more visible than other methods depending on where you place it.
The Injection (More than 99% effective)
The Diaphragm/Cap (92-96% effective)
The contraceptive injection lasts for 8-13 weeks, and also uses progestogen. It can affect your periods, and requires you to remember to keep up to date with your injections. The injection is normally done into the bottom, but can also be done into the upper arm. Fertility can take up to a year to return to normal levels, so this method is not ideal for anyone who wishes to get pregnant in the next year.
These are placed covering the cervix up to three hours before sex, after being coated in spermicide, until 6 hours after sex. Whilst they don’t rely on hormones, they are less effective than other methods, and are not suitable for anyone with an allergy to latex or spermicide.
The IUD (More than 99% effective) The intrauterine device is a small, T-shaped plastic and copper device which releases copper to prevent pregnancy for 5-10 years. It is put into the uterus by a doctor or nurse, who will also teach you how to check it is still in place. Whilst it may initially cause heavier periods, the lack of hormonal side effects is great for anyone who doesn’t want to use a hormonal method.
P.S. Although all of these methods act as contraception, they do not prevent STIs, so don’t forget to also use condoms or femidoms as well! Disclaimer: This does not constitute medical advice, and methods can have different side effects for different people. All this information is from nhs.uk, but please consult with your GP or a member of staff at your local sexual health (GUM) clinic for the most up-to-date and reliable advice.
The IUS (More than 99% effective) The IUS (intrauterine system) is similar to the IUD, but releases progestogen - rather than copper - to prevent pregnancy for 3-5 years. Over time, it can lead to lighter and shorter periods, and it is fitted in the same way as the IUD. Fitting the IUS takes 5 minutes, with the entire appointment taking around 20 minutes. Vaginal Ring (More than 99% effective) The vaginal ring is a small soft ring placed inside of the vagina, Sex & Relationships
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S TO P P I N G T H E C E N S O R S H I P : SEX POSITIVITY & THE F E M I N I S T W AV E Popular culture and the society in which we live is rife with comments and widely-held beliefs surrounding women, particularly when it comes to ways in which women and sex are meant to interact. From the judgement surrounding women for ‘putting out’ on the first date to the hushed tones of women talking about their periods, there is a censorship that pervades the discourse around sex and bodies for women. As we move into the new decade, this discourse is something that must be fought against and changed, so that instead of whispering about whatever we want, we can talk freely without fear, shame, or ridicule. Body positivity is a campaign that has been fought for many years in the media and also in private lives, leading to more people than ever owning their body and feeling comfortable in the skin they have. This doesn’t negate the fact that there are still many that struggle with their image, especially in an image-based society where many men and women alike are bombarded with the perfect image. However, the conversation of body positivity is very much present in society and culture. Whilst this is a big step and a big improvement for many - young and old - that learn to change the thoughts that plague them when they look in the mirror for whatever reason, it has taken time and still has a long way to go. The same cannot be said for sex positivity... Feminism, in all its waves, have propagated an idea of female equality and autonomy over their body which has been related to sex and the implications of sex. The feminist movement is the perfect place to start the mission of sex positivity, and many that partake in this movement have already begun trying to change the conversation but are met, like many women always are, with a particularly disgusted look. There has never been a moment where, during a conversation about sex or my body (periods, hormones, whatever it may be), someone hasn’t looked round or made a face indicative of the fact that I shouldn’t be talking about it... If I wanted to talk about it, it must 6
be in hushed tones and in private quarters. Openness and honesty is something many strive for when it comes to talking about topics in everyday life so why can that not extend to women talking about sex? This censorship is definitely gendered, and the boyish locker-room chat that men partake in is a trope that still persists. It is far more acceptable for men to talk about who they have conquered, because that always how they talk about sleeping with women; but, as soon as women speak about sleeping with men, be that one or more, they face judgement and the label of being a slag. Surely it is no one’s business who women are sleeping with (so long as it isn’t ruining relationships) and there should be no fear for taking charge of your sex life. If it was anything else - healthcare, food shopping, personal hygiene - that we were taking charge of, then no one would bat an eye but why should we keep our sex lives under wraps? It isn’t just because seeing women shouting about what they get up to between the sheets would solve all issues in life, it’s more about what can be gained from opening up a conversation between women and amongst men and how this can help to educate people. Any conversation about sex and our bodies that is done in a healthy and informed way cannot do anything other than help women learn through shared experiences. Education around sex is something that is severely lacking, especially in the younger ages, and it’s only when you learn through trial and error over many years that you feel as though you know whats happening and what to do. However, the interim of this learning period isn’t always smooth sailing... There can often be issues about the safety of sex and also the insecurity about our bodies, but imagine if there was more conversation between women or in the education system (for younger adults) around how to have safer sex or that bodies are not to be compared, and how that can benefit women going forward. Sex & Relationships
FEATURES
There is no way to change the past or to fix the education that was lacking in our lives, but instead we can start talking. By imploring all women to start a conversation and not censor yourself, whether you’re talking about sexual behaviour, the frustration of periods, or the intimate details of your body, we can open up a new discourse and a safe space for women to learn. The more conversations that pop up between groups of women, the sooner this will become normal - the dream is to have sex positivity conversations be as normal as talking about the weekly shop. This isn’t anything new; I’m not the first to be encouraging sex positive conversations, but I hope to be propagating the conversation. To any and all women reading this, of any age, start moving towards a sex positive lifestyle. It doesn’t have to be as open as talking about the intimacies of your sexual behaviour, but ask questions of your female friends, find advice for things you need help with, have the conversations you would want to without fear.
Sex & Relationships
Society has made progress by opening up a discourse of body positivity, the next step is sex positivity and though there is a space for male sex positivity, I don’t disregard that, this is for the women. Women have been silenced for too long for too many reasons, and the time has come to stop that oppression, to start talking, and to change the discourse. In doing this, women are keeping the waves of feminism moving so that in years to come, we are to thank for changing the conversation.
WORDS BY ZARAH AKHAN-MOOSAVI IMAGE BY TILLY ROBERTS
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SEX & RELATIONSHIPS
Wessex Scene Investigates: Body Image & Sex Positivity For this magazine, we conducted a survey into the sex and relationship habits of our readership to see how they perceive sex, body image, sexual activity and openness about sexuality
medical professionals or past partners altered their personal body image.
with regards to their gender and sexual orientation. We wanted to see if there is some correlation between gender identity and sexuality with body positivity and self image. We received 414 responses. We were eager to see how peoples’ sexual experiences affect their body positivity and their self esteem. With body and sex positivity seemingly on the rise across social and mainstream media, we wanted to see if this would translate to real people’s lives.
Moreover, with rising concerns over the effects of pornography and the media on body image, we wanted to see how people view their body and if that is affected by their consumption of pornography or the media. Many LGBTQ+ people may feel less represented in the mainstream media, and therefore less body positive or confident. With only 67% of our respondents being straight, our results with regards to body positivity later on do definitley correlate with this idea amongst those who make up part of the queer community.
The gender identities of those who participated in our survey are as follows: Number of cisgender women who responded: 283 Number of cisgender men who responded: 118 Number of queer people who responded: 1 Number of non-binary people who responded: 8 Those who preferred not to say: 2 Other: 2
In the first part of our results, we were keen to focus on the amount people say they feel positive about their body image. With growing levels of mental health issues, eating disorders and body dysmorphia across the country (and the world in fact), people are becoming more and more aware of the way their
Importantly, the sexualities represented in our sample were as below: Our largest proportion of respondents were straight or bisexual cisgender women. We were keen to see how the gender or sexual orientation of our respondents affects their body image, body confidence and self esteem. It was also important for us to see how the treatment of people of any gender or sexuality by
bodies look, or how they believe they look. We asked people how they feel about their body image on a scale from 1-10, with 1 being poorly and 10 being very happy with their body. We received very mixed responses to this question. Admittedly, when asking it, I expected the results to be a lot more black and white. However, what we can see is that our lowest answer in this question, 2.9%, belonged to those feeling most enthusiastic about their body image, and the highest sat at 3, a below 5 response to positivity about body image. I would therefore suggest that this question does show us that those who answered our survey are not particularly positive about their body image.
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Sex & Relationships
FEATURES So, we then asked several questions focused on body shaming, sexual shame, and a dialogue about sexual health and activity. We believed it was important to look at the focus of shame and sex in relating to ones own body. From this question, we are able to see that people are affected by sex when it comes to their body confidence and self esteem. So, what is it about sex that is welcoming this decline in body confidence? Is it sexual shame? We asked our participants. It was evident that many people had experienced sexual shame, with a third of respondents saying that they had, but were there other factors at play - were there specific body issues or features causing this sex associated drop in body confidence? With such a large portion of people experiencing shame for their sexual activity and its frequency, it is interesting that in this world of sexual liberation, contraception and casual relationships, people are still experiencing sexual shaming. As the results below show, almost a quarter of the people asked said they had experienced shaming for their physical appearance, be that their size or body hair; demonstrating that there are definite negative connotations as far as sexual activity and appearance goes, perhaps leading to a lack of body positivity when engaging in sex.
to their sexual activity. Is there, then, therefore an issue in how people are being educated about sex and how that is affecting their confidence and understanding of sex? We wanted to see if people were able to see a link between sex positivity and sex education. Below are some interesting comments we received at the end of If people are experiencing shame and insecurity due to their sexual activity, it seems likely that they may not be being particularly open or honest about their sexual behaviours with family, friends or medical professionals. We asked about this in our survey. Comments we received further demonstrated the insecurity about conversing with a medical professional about sex. These included: ‘About the medical professionals question I think it depends on which, I have had to in the past a bit and sometimes I feel comfortable around someone and other times I felt pressured to talk more and horrible about the consultation.’ and ‘Feel like a doctor at Southampton presumed I slept with many people and appeared judgemental.’ However, I’d suggest that it is clear here that a vast majority of people do feel comfortable discussing their sex life with their doctor, despites some of the comments we received stressing that they felt judged or criticised by a medical professional with regards
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SEX & RELATIONSHIPS were reflected on in one comment we received, which explores the affects of porn and its capacity for creating violent or damaging habits. The comment said: ‘In a time where #metoo has just happened, why are we often so accepting of porn, when most of the porn videos glorify a scenario which is so similar to stories of survivors of sexual abuse? Porn seems to affect us personally and in society in so many ways, from addiction (see https://fightthenewdrug.org/overview/) to normalisation of a negative or objectifying attitude to women’. Some further comments were made on body image and size: ‘Once had a guy have sex with me, said he didn’t like fat girls AFTERWARDS
our survey which show us a lot about people’s sexual shaming, and their relationship with their bodies. Smell-shaming and shaming of sexual ‘performance’ were also types of shaming mentioned by respondents. With the rise of pornography, there may be higher expectations of sexual performance which may alter the response of partners to the sexual performance of the acts they are engaging in. A few people noted that the only sex education they had was not via school, but the internet, be that through the media, social media or pornography. This also extended to the experiences of LGBTQ+ people. ‘Not enough LGBTQ+ (gay really) sex education ie. STI prevention education - the situation is dire.’ This could be leading to wider confusion and stigma attached to queer sexual experiences. Openness and honesty about sex can only be positive for the majority of people, as one respondent commented: ‘I’m very open and comfortable enough with my sex life that I help others that feel more nervous, by offering tips, sexual health advice and encouraging them to be sexually happy and healthy.’ The effects
and said I should probably ‘prewarn’ people on my dating profile’. Wider conversations are taking place about the role of size and shape in sexuality and sex, with educators who have an online platform like Kait Scalisi discussing how best to enjoy sex if you are larger, and how sexiness is not defined by your size.
On the topic of body confidence, one commenter said: ‘I used to really struggle with actually liking my body and feeling ashamed about sex (as a girl liking pornography, it felt like I was doing something of porn as a platform for sex education and personal pleasure wrong consuming it). Luckily, I have an amazing partner who is very vocal about what they love about me which has given me more confidence in my body and as a person. I don’t know how I came to view sex with shame though before dating them, but I think it’s quite healthy to be openly vocal about what you love in people, whether it’s sexual or just saying “you rock that shirt and I love it”. I think respectful affirmations can really help people more than you might realise’. With adequate conversations, you’re able to make progress in body positivity and therefore create a culture of confidence. There are, however, really toxic and upsetting effects to body image in realtion to sex if a partner mistreats you, as one response stated: ‘I’m a mature student who has been in two abusive long-term relationships, one of which was a marriage. This has greatly affected my body image (I was “fat”, “ugly”, “no one else would want me etc) and I have put up a barrier with my sexual partner as a result. Looking back, I should have reported what I endured but I was scared of the repercussions
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FEATURES sometimes for not having enough sex! This point is often missed out by people when they talk about how outside factors influence sex and relationships - they automatically assume that (in particular) for women, they get shamed for having “too much” sex (i.e. with too many partners in a non committed relationship), completely forgetting that the same is true if people don’t have sex, as they also get shamed. This issue affects both men and women. Neither side is correct or fair, as sex and preferences around it are personal and different for each person’. So many of these comments demonstrate not only the lack of understanding of sexuality and sex, but also of the way abuse and trauma shapes your sexual experiences and confidence. A comprehensive understanding of sexuality and sexual health enables people to be able to have a much more positive attitude to sex, perhaps showing that with better sexual education and more and protecting my children. Now I regret not facing my demons, as conversations about sex, people can feel more empowered and it has influenced any following relationships in a very negative way’. confident. Further comments were also focussing on the frequency of sexual activity or number of sexual partners. Many were focussing on a lack of interest in sex or a desire to wait for sex, and the effects that had. For example: ‘I ‘ve felt judged for my lack of interest in sex. It’s as if some people think it’s an excuse to hide something’. On the other end, pure assumptions about sex are having a similar psychological affect, as can be seen in this response: ‘I have been slut-shamed, but largely it has been through assumptions about my sex life that were not true’. There is often also a certain degree of judgement attached to ‘waiting’ to have sex, be that for religious or emotional resons, as someone has commented here: ‘Having decided I don’t want to have sex until I am married, I don’t feel like I have been worried or concerned about my body being sexually attractive. I know that actually as you get to know someone you become more and more attracted. Yes, there needs to be some physical attraction, but I know that is not why someone is with me or loves me, which gives me confidence to love my body as I am’. This is further reinforced by this response: ‘I have also been shamed
WORDS BY IMY BRIGHTY-POTTS GRAPHICS BY CHARLOTTE COLOMBO
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SEX & RELATIONSHIPS
THE ‘ROUGH SEX’ DEFENCE - A NEW FORM OF VICTIM BLAMING? On 9th December 2018, Grace Millane was found dead BDSM was revealed to the public, headlines suddenly shifted in Auckland, New Zealand. The British citizen went their focus onto that, and not the fact that she had been missing after going on a Tinder date on 1st December murdered. The rough sex defence changes the classic question - the eve of her 22nd birthday. Her 26-year old date from ‘but what were you wearing?’ to ‘but what did you ask him was convicted of the murder on 22nd December 2018. to do to you?’. Except, in this case, the victim cannot answer. The Millane case attracted a lot of international attention The growing normalisation of this defence reflects the growing and media coverage. However, when new ‘evidence’ normalisation of violence in porn. A 2010 study showed that emerged, reportage of the event took on a slightly 88.2% of porn depicts violence against women. Those using different tone. The defendant used what is known as the the rough sex defence can therefore can easily point to the ‘rough sex’ defence. He claimed that Grace had asked him rise of BDSM practices in mainstream porn in order to to choke her during sex and that she had died as a result justify violent and murderous behaviour. BDSM practices of this. This claim was further ‘supported’ when Grace’s are not inherently harmful. However, if these behaviours are ex-boyfriend testified that he and Grace had engaged in learned exclusively from watching porn, then viewers are BDSM practices. However, after taking all other evidence not learning the underlying principles of safety and consent. into account, the defendant was found guilty with first degree murder and will be sentenced in February 2020. All in all, the facts remain. Grace Millane was not killed by her sexual preferences. Grace Millane was killed by a violent The Millane case reflects a disturbing trend: that is, the and homicidal man. Having a preference for rough sex is not growing use of the rough sex defence. This is when the the same as having a death wish. In an age where the rough murderer states that the victim asked for the conduct that sex defence is becoming increasingly common, it must led to their eventual death. This defence was also used in the remain clear: consenting to being choked as not the same as high-profile case of Natalie Connolly, a 26 year old British consenting to being murdered. woman killed by her boyfriend who claimed that she had died during alcohol and drug-infused rough sex. Despite the fact that Natalie’s body was found with over 40 injuries including blunt-force trauma to her head and breast, the defendant was given the lesser charge of manslaughter. The campaign group ‘We Can’t Consent To This’ report 59 femicide cases in the UK in which this defence was used, 45% of which led to a lesser charge than murder. The reality is that the growing popularity of the rough sex defence is simply a new form of victim blaming and slut-
WORDS BY JOANNA MAGILL IMAGE BY FRANCES ROSE
shaming. This is a way to lift the blame from the murderer and place it on the victim for the crime of being a sexually active woman in the 21st century. When Grace’s interest in 12
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OPINIONS
A WOLRD IN MOTION
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SEX & RELATIONSHIPS
An Investigation of Age Gaps In Relationships: When Does a Number Become More Than Just a Number For a Woman? Curiosity is something that plagues people throughout every aspect of life. Whether it comes to what your plans are for the week, for the next five years, or even why you don’t get along with a certain person, everyone wants to know more than what you give them. This is especially true when it comes to relationships, both romantic and otherwise; something that belongs to two people becomes a magnet for everyone’s opinion. However, it doesn’t stop there, and where a relationship with an age gap is concerned, those at the centre of it better prepare themselves for the onslaught of opinions that will come their way. Unless you and whoever you are in a relationship with were born at the same hour, day, month, and year, there will always be some degree of an age gap, and with this fact comes ‘acceptable’ and ‘unacceptable’ numbers that divide those in the relationship. Alongside that, age gaps are confused by the standards and roles implied by certain genders. In a very typical and hetero-normative relationship it is acceptable for the woman to be younger than the man, with him being at least a couple of years older than her. This is something that from a young age girls aspire to have, as we are fed images of older men in pop-culture, especially films, that have this Prince Charming feel about them. However, as soon as a woman is the oldest in a relationship, there comes an onslaught of harsh criticism which is always underlined by her inability to spark a romance with a man of her age or older, therefore turning her attention to younger men. Women, generally speaking, always come off worse when they are in a relationship with a younger man, but on the flip side of this, a man dating an older woman is something often fetishised or greeted with a laddish seal of approval. Phrases like “toy-boy” and “cradle-snatcher” are only a few of the slurs against women when those around her find out that she is dating a man younger than 14
her. Inherent in that is a look of complete disapproval for her choice of romantic partner - why is this? There is no regard for the real values of attraction that draw one person to the other, and instead this opinion is formed from an idea that her inability to find a romantic partner her age means that she is left with no option but to lure a younger man into her bed. This feels like a completely warped and novel idea - something that you would only see in a movie like ‘Sex and the City’. The reality is vastly different. The issue of an age gap is something experienced first hand by myself and something that was always greeted with looks of uncertainty and, in more extreme cases, abuse being shouted at me for my choice of significant other. Whether people knew me or not, they felt my relationship was an open call for any and all opinions, but in truth my, or anyone’s relationship, is not for anyone to call right or wrong and is none of anyone’s business. Despite knowing this in an objective sense, when you are in the position where people are shouting at you and hurling abuse your way, that goes out the window and you personally become a victim. It becomes hard to stop it affecting you. In this way, the number that separates you and your partner becomes a wall and a way to divide you. It becomes a symbol of your relationship and something that you feel necessary to hide from everyone surrounding you or something to declare when introducing your significant other. This feeling is heightened in different situations and depending on where you are in your life; my relationship started in sixth form and having an age gap in school is the perfect breeding ground for insults against you. However, when you move the same relationship forward by a number of years, it is less of an issue... That was the golden nugget of advice told to me during my time at school, and most likely others in the same position as myself. Sex & Relationships
OPINIONS In light of all this, age gaps in relationships, unless they are something legally wrong, should not be a target for any and all opinions, especially when those opinions transform into abuse. There is absolutely no reason for the onslaught of disapproval men and woman face when it is declared to the world, no matter how big the world surrounding them is, that two people are in a relationship. Just because a woman enters into a relationship with a younger man, it does not make them a cougar, the man her toy-boy, or anything else; all it means is that two people are in a relationship. It appears that the age-gap-issue is definitely a gendered one and pervades hetero-normative and conventional relationships - what this would look like in non-monogamous relationships or in LGBTQ+ relationships is something I don’t know and cannot truthfully comment on having not experienced it. As with many other things in today’s society, women are always the ones that come off worse,
Sex & Relationships
and this situation perfectly epitomises that. Add this to the many things on the list women are fighting against. No longer should we take the abuse and slurs that are hurled at us when the personal choice of romantic partners is just that - personal. The only way to assess age gaps as being right or wrong is through the lens of what is legal - aside from that, it is not anyone else’s business. Curiosity is natural and instinctual for many, but it comes down to something that we are all taught as children: if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
WORDS BY ZARAH AKHAVAN-MOOSSAVI IMAGE BY TILLY ROBERTS
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SEX & RELATIONSHIPS
Margaret Thatcher: Hero or Villain?
During her eleven years as Prime Minister, Thatcher was frequently described as the ‘Iron Lady’ and ‘the most powerful woman in the world.’ She was notably the first female Prime Minister, as well as the first female head of any European government. Despite the fact that she oversaw three Conservative election wins, her own popularity dipped and peaked throughout her premiership. She was a controversial figure, with a 40% approval rating during her time in office. Eventually, she became so unpopular that her own party turned against her, with Helestine challenging her for the leadership of the party. She was persuaded to resign by her Cabinet and left Downing Street in tears. She is remembered for all the wrong reasons: the Miners’ Strike of 1984, the controversial Poll Tax and the Falklands War. However, perhaps her most lasting legacy was Section 28 of the Local Government Act of 1988.
banned from even suggesting the possibility of same-sex relations to students. Meanwhile, councils had to ensure that the libraries contained no gay literature or films in case they advocated anything other than the traditional family values that Thatcher wanted to impose upon the population. At the time, there was a new wave of prejudice against homosexuality sweeping the nation due to the HIV/ AIDS outbreak, which stigmatized not only those with the disease, but gay men too. It was assumed that it was most prevalent amongst them as they were thought to be promiscuous. This condemnation of homosexuality emboldened Thatcher to express her prejudices and pass the first homophobic law in Britain in a century.
This was a clear step backwards for gay rights in Britain. Despite the previous efforts of the LGBTQ+ movement in the 1960s and 70s and the passage of This clause prohibited local authorities and the Sexual Offences Act 1967, these homophobic schools from ‘promoting homosexuality’. In attitudes prevailed for decades. This was exacerbated practical terms, this meant that teachers were by Thatcher’s Section 28, which effectively allowed 16
Sex & Relationships
POLITICS discrimination against gay children and encouraged their peers to bully them. It undoubtedly led to children and teenagers staying closeted for fear of judgement or discrimination. The fact that such a discriminatory law was introduced in a developed country in the 20th century is shocking. Even more shocking is that it was not repealed until 2001 in Scotland and 2003 in the rest of the UK. Up until that time, young people had to rely on celebrities
for galvanising the British LGBTQ+ movement into action. It gave the gay rights community something to unite against. It also united all other political parties. All were opposed to it except the Conservatives. Fortunately, by the time it was repealed, it had already been made largely redundant.
and banned novels to teach them about being gay.
regulation of sex education to the Secretary of State for Education. Still, for the twenty-five years that Section 28 was in place, it implied that homosexuals were dangerous to children as well as promoting discrimination, and legitimising homophobia.
Notable examples of flamboyant celebrities around that time include Freddie Mercury, Elton John (who came out as bisexual in the 70s and then as gay twenty years later) and George Michael. However, it is significant that the majority of gay celebrities concealed their homosexuality for fear of the effect it may have on their career. So, without many openly gay role models to look up to and fearing what their peers would say or do to them if they came out, it is easy to imagine how scared and ashamed young people must have felt about their own sexuality. However, there was significant pushback against this law which would have given young LGBTQ+ people some sense of hope. Sir Ian McKellan came out publicly for the first time in 1988 in order to voice his opposition whilst, in Manchester, over 20,000 people took to the streets to march against the law. The legal provision inspired two protest songs. These are Boy George’s ‘No Clause 28’ and Chumbawamba’s ‘Smash Clause 28! Fight the Alton Bill!’
The Education Act of 1996 and the Learning and Skill Act of 2000 had already transferred the
Thatcher was no hero. She promoted homophobia through legislation that linked homosexuality to paedophilia, and doubtless caused many children and young people to stay closeted. No one should ever be afraid to be who they are, no matter what.
WORDS BY OLIVIA FOX IMAGE BY HUGO WEBBER
Three lesbians abseiled from the public gallery of the House of Lords into the chamber: an astounding sight that was picked up by the national media. Protestors also stormed the BBC and managed to interrupt the six o’clock news, with one protestor chaining herself to Sue Lawley’s desk. Despite the negative effects of the law, it did seem to act as the catalyst Sex & Relationships
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SEX & RELATIONSHIPS SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY
WORDS BY FARIDA YUSUF IMAGE BY OUSA CHEA VIA UNSPLASH
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Sex & Relationships
SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY
All Things Weird And Biological: Eros And the Animal Kingdom WORDS BY JORDAN TRUONG IMAGE BY TILLY ROBERTS Its said that there are four ‘F’s in life; feeding, fighting, fleeing and....fornicating. These behaviours are displayed in all walks (and forms) of life; from the humble earthworm to the gargantuan sperm whale. Us humans have evolved over the ages to use our inherent ‘wiseness’ and physical dexterity over other animals, to become the masters of our planet, but we remain evolved monkeys at heart, with the same primal ‘F’s hardwired into our physiology. However, since the 4th ‘F’ in humans has already taken up the majority of the volume you are currently holding, it’s probably time for our big wide world roomates to have the attention for once. Below are weird and wonderful facts on sex and relationships in the animal kingdom. #1 - Whiptail lizards: The amazing thing about the primal reproductive behaviours that are ingrained in most animals is that they are flexible: they can actually adapt to the changing environment, despite having gender-specific origins. Take the whiptail lizards, which are descended from bisexual ancestors but are now a unisexual species, in that all the individuals are female. They - in place of “classic” sex - reproduce by pathenogenesis, which does not involve any exchange of genetic material. Despite this, these lizards still display courtship behaviour like that seen in humans; one will act as a ‘male’ and go (ahem) on top and mount their ‘female’ partner. This activity can actually stimulate embryo development into eggs, despite there being no fertilisation taking place whatsoever. All this is regulated by hormones released in the lizard brains, with different hormones corresponding to different ‘gender’ behaviour stereotypes.
Female-female partnerships startlingly resemble heterosexual ones: the pairings last for about a week, and when they’re not ‘together’ together, they still remain close, grooming and sleeping with each other while defending against any potential rivals. #3 - Dolphins: Dolphins always seem to be having fun, and they know it too - they have a similar neurological architecture to humans, and have been observed to play, make their own art and even give each other names! They are also, it seems, masters of polygamy. They live in fission-fusion social arrangements, meaning that they can come and go between partnerships as they please with no questions asked. As such, their attitudes to sex are liberal even by human standards; they exchange partners at will and can also engage in orgies. #4 - Bonobos:
#2 - Japanese macaques:
If there is actually a living, breathing paragon of the ‘make love, not war’ motto, you can probably find it manifested in bonobos. The closest extant animal relatives to humans, bonobos have sex whenever and for whatever reasons they can; for greetings, to try and prevent conflict, to make up after conflicts, as a way for matriarchs to exert control over uncooperative males and, of course, why the hell not? They spice it up too; pairs have been observed French kissing and even engaging in oral sex. Homosexuality is also widely seen in both genders, there is no age discrimination and they refrain from monogamous relationships. It’s no wonder that with so much love, bonobos are the most peaceful primate on the planet.
During the winter mating season for Japanese macaques, there is fierce competition between males for females to partner up with. However, the male macaques can also find themselves fighting against other females to mate. This is one of many examples in the animal kingdom, where homosexual behaviour is the norm.
I think I’ll stop here; it makes for depressing writing when a f***ing ape probably has a better love life than you. On the plus side, Lonesome George was the last Pinta Island tortoise who was quite a happy celibate (to the dismay of conservationists). At least it’s not a rare thing.
Sex & Relationships
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SEX & RELATIONSHIPS
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN SOUTHAMPTON According to the Crown Prosecution Service, domestic abuse is defined as ‘any incident of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of their gender or sexuality.’ Domestic abuse comes in many forms, and is a lot more complicated and widespread than the media might lead you to think. Alongside physical violence, the Government defines the following actions as domestic abuse: •
• • • •
Financial abuse (controlling your partner’s finances and preventing them from having financial independence). Sexual abuse (rape, sexual assault, revenge porn and coercing your partner into sexual acts). Psychological abuse. Emotional abuse. Coercive control (which became a criminal offence in 2015).
The National Prevalence of Domestic Abuse However, although 1,198,094 incidents of domestic abuse were recorded by the police, only 68,098 (5.68%) of these led to a successful conviction. Consequently, considering these extremely low conviction rates, is it really any surprise that so many domestic violence cases go unreported? Although the number of recorded domestic abuse incidents is just over a million, there is an estimated 2.4 million adults who live with domestic abuse. Note the discrepancy between these two figures - it suggests that approximately 1.2 million adults suffer abuse in silence, never bothering the report their struggles to the police. Indeed, domestic violence charity Refuge points to many systematic failures that contribute to the growing national prevalence of domestic abuse. Refuge themselves report that they have received cuts to 80% of their services since 2011, with some funding being cut by 50%. Furthermore, since 2010, this country has lost 17% of its specialist domestic violence units.
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What makes it worse is that as well as domestic abuse victims having less resources to turn to, the resources they have left are not doing enough. Before receiving effective help to stop the abuse, it is reported that 85% of abuse victims sought help from professionals an average of five times. To make it worse, consider this - although the police receive domestic violence-related calls every 30 seconds, only 8% of domestic abuse cases end in prosecution. Domestic Abuse in Southampton But how does Southampton come into this? Unfortunately, Hampshire is one of the worst area in the UK for domestic abuse cases. In 2017/18, Hampshire (Southampton inclusive) reported 21.9 domestic violence incidents per 1000 people. This is higher than the South East average, which reported only 20.0 cases per 1000 people. Indeed, 30% of all violent crime reported in Southampton had a domestic abuse element. Whilst 1,430 domestic abuse incidents were reported in 2010/11, there has been a steady increase over the last seven years, with the latest data showing that the number of such crimes stands at 3,031. This shows that the rate of domestic abuse cases has more than doubled in less than a decade. Furthermore, research by SafeLives shows that Southampton has an abnormally high level of ‘high risk’ domestic violence cases. ‘High risk’ refers to cases where the domestic violence victim is at risk of ‘serious harm and death’ at the hands of the abuser. In a city like Southampton, there should only be 45 high-risk cases per a population of 10,000. However, this number actually stands at 80.3 high-risk cases per a population of 10,000 again, almost double what it should be. More concerningly, 13.5% of all recorded crime in Southampton was flagged as domestic in 2018/19, which marked a 13.1% increase of such crime compared to the year before. In turn, if we look at violent crime specifically, 31.5% of all violent crime in Southampton was marked as domestic in 2018/19 - which was a 15% increase in comparison to the previous year alone. Risk Factors Statistics shows that a low income, low educational levels, a lack of education and being of a young age are all factors in people becoming domestic abuse perpetrators.
Sex & Relationships
FEATURES Indeed, with Southampton being home to two different universities, 20% of the city’s population is classified as young people (aged 15-24). This rate is significantly higher than the national average, and with young people being more likely to become abusers (partly due to their own upbringing and relationship inexperience) this then causes domestic abuse to be more common in Southampton. Southampton is also a city with high levels of deprivation, with it being ranked the 67th most deprived local authority area in England (out of 326). Indeed, with deprivation encompassing many of the aforementioned risk factors like unemployment and low income, it should come as no surprise that domestic violence is eight times higher in the 20% most deprived areas than in the 20% least deprived. This then suggests that the levels of deprivation as well as the high number of young people are both contributing factors to the problem of domestic abuse in Southampton. How Southampton are Tackling Domestic Abuse So, given we have established that Southampton has especially bad levels of domestic abuse, the next question we should consider is this - what are the council doing about it? In summer 2018, Southampton City Council took part in the Chartered Institute of Housing’s ‘Make a Stand’ campaign, which involves the Council’s Housing Service pledging to take action against domestic violence in the city. Seventeen members of the Housing Service also trained as Domestic Abuse Champions in order to support residents of their properties who are in need. Furthermore, in January 2019, Southampton launched a public review on how to tackle domestic abuse in the city. A series of public scrutiny panel meetings took place over the spring of 2019, which culminated in the council releasing a detailed Domestic Abuse Needs Assessment in June of that year, which based its research on the issues raised in these meetings and made recommendations on how to solve the problem moving forward. All of this work led to the city receiving Domestic Abuse Housing Alliance accreditation in December 2019 (making them only the third local authority to do so). This prestigious accreditation acknowledged their commitment to supporting domestic abuse victims, but the question is, has all this work translated into results? Until the 2019/2020 statistics come out, we can’t know for sure - but they’re certainly taking steps in the right direction.
WORDS BY CHARLOTTE COLOMBO
Image Credit: MesserWoland [CC BY-SA (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)]
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SEX & RELATIONSHIPS
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH... AN STI Last day of term before Christmas, my first boyfriend, and my first STI. I had entered my first real relationship and had sex for the first time, having finally plucked up the courage to do so. However, the lack of a condom was a thought that remained at the back of my mind. All it takes is that one time you’re not careful enough though, despite my boyfriend having been checked in the past and the results coming up negative. Over the holidays we went to be tested at our respective homes. He was diagnosed with an STI called Mycoplasma Genitalium, or MG for short, but I was given the all clear. The reason his tests had come up negative in the past is that this STI isn’t tested for unless you are showing the appropriate symptoms. It is caused by the smallest known bacterium that can replicate itself, and humans can be infected for years without knowing. Most people have never heard
of this infection as it hides behind diseases such as chlamydia and becomes antibiotic resistant, which can lead to infertility in women. In total they estimate that around 3,000 women in the UK a year could become infertile as a result of this infection - not a statistic I wanted to find on the internet at the time. But why wasn’t I diagnosed? This was because I was showing no symptoms, and therefore my clinic did not prescribe me any antibiotics. My boyfriend, on the other hand, was given the appropriate 22
medication that I should have also been taking. I had to take a train to his clinic around 2-3 hours away from me to be given the appropriate test again and then the correct medication. This happened 3 times because the antibiotics failed to kill the infection. Three times I had to sit in a waiting room waiting for an appointment, three times I had to lay on a bench and have a stranger inspect me and three times I had to take strong antibiotics that had some nasty side effects. All because I didn’t use a condom. A young adult in the UK is diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection every four minutes. And yet somehow, I felt like it was only me. One in two sexually active people will contract an STI by the age of 25. Now I’m almost 20, meaning there must be at least one other person I know that’s had one, and yet no one talks about it. People talk about sex, people talk about getting ill, but why are STIs still such a taboo? I’ve painted a reasonably grisly picture here to demonstrate how unpleasant it can be and how easily it can be prevented. However, they are also just something that happen, and they don’t make you dirty, they don’t make you a slut and they shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of. For example, the wonderful Jonathan VanNess from the TV show Queer Eye has bravely shared his story of living with HIV. What I mean to say is that getting an STI can happen to anyone, and, if it happens to you, be open, tell people and get checked. So many of these issues are treatable now by a simple 7-day course of antibiotics with no long-term side effects. To this day, I have not told my mum about my STI experience because it fills me with dread to open up about, and we actually have a very honest relationship. So, don’t do as I did: be open and help end the controversy and shame surrounding STIs.
WORDS BY ANONYMOUS IMAGES BY REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH SUPPLIES COALITION VIA UNSPLASH
Sex & Relationships
LIFESTYLE
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH... THE PILL WORDS BY ZARAH AKHAVAN-MOOSSAV IMAGE BY ZEN ZHONG The contraceptive pill is something that means a lot of different things for so many different people. It is taken for different reasons, it affects everyone differently, and we all have varying opinions on it. My relationship with it has meant that I haven’t had a period in over two years... My reasons for taking the contraceptive pill are something that have changed as I’ve grown up and have been influenced by certain lifestyle choices. I started taking it around age 16 or 17, as a direct result from being diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). This hormonal condition is characterised by many different things and often presents itself by the complete irregularity of periods, and results from hormonal imbalances of oestrogen and testosterone. Having irregular periods, as anyone reading this will agree, is incredibly irritating. I would have to be on guard all the time and prepared for any eventuality. The easiest way to solve this for me was taking a contraceptive pill that regulates periods, which I did. Luckily, this worked for me and for the first time in my life my periods were as regular as clockwork and easy to manage. However, this was short lived - cue a history of severe headaches which the pill would cause - and I was told to stop taking it. This marked the comeback of irregular periods for a few more years and my PCOS becoming harder to manage.
protect myself from pregnancy, allowing me to enjoy the intimacy between myself and my boyfriend. Both reasons have made the pill a valuable and crucial part of my lifestyle. My choice to use the contraceptive pill is something I talk about openly and freely. I advocate for other women to follow suit, but many don’t want to face potential side effects. I wouldn’t say that I have been greatly affected in a negative way by taking the pill, but I can’t be sure as the side effects of the pill I take are also symptoms of PCOS or things that I’ve experienced regardless of either PCOS or the pill. Whilst these things can be irritating, for me, the positives of taking the pill completely outweigh the negatives. Fortunately, I have a great relationship with the pill, but not everyone is that lucky. However, what I don’t think people realise is that there are numerous types of pills and choosing one is like finding a new pair of jeans - you just have to keep trying until you find one that suits you.
Fast forward to October 2017, and I started taking the pill again. At this time in my life, my periods were still irregular, but I had also entered into a relationship with my long-term boyfriend and so the pill was a very attractive option. This time it wasn’t just about regulating my periods, but also protecting myself from any accidents, as falling pregnant is not on my agenda. However, I had a different type of contraceptive pill which instead of regulating my periods stopped them completely, making me period-free for more than two years. Though sometimes I think nostalgically about them, for the most part I don’t miss them. Despite it stopping my periods and handling that side of my PCOS, it wasn’t helping all symptoms that are present with this condition. I was having to find other ways to deal with my hair growth as well as my fluctuating weight, both of which are big ways in which PCOS affects me personally. What it did give me was a sense of security and a way to Sex & Relationships
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SEX & RELATIONSHIPS
The Real Price of Brands
I thought moving to Southampton would be like moving into a Dickens novel. And whether you’ve been in Southampton for two years or two minutes, you know how funny that is. But that’s the kind of the point, isn’t it? When you move somewhere new, you’re filled with all kinds of hopes and expectations about where you’re going and who you’ll be when you get there. And if you’re moving from another country, those fantasies are just supersized. But even though Southampton doesn’t quite have the Victorian glamour I’d been dreaming of, it’s still found a special place in my heart for reasons I never anticipated. And if you’re an international student too, here’s a little teaser of what you have to look forward to. You’re Automatically Interesting (Not really). At least, I know I’m not interesting. But apparently no one else got the memo. Because it doesn’t matter if I’m in a taxi, in line at Sainsbury’s, or having a chat at the bus stop, somebody is going to ask me where I’m
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Sex & Relationships
INTERNATIONAL
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH... BEING SINGLE
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic. Romance is easily my favourite film genre and I’ve seen ‘Love, Rosie’ and ‘One Day’ countless times in the last few months alone. The idea of actually being in a relationship, however, pretty much terrifies me. Growing up, I always felt like there was a big pressure, especially in secondary school, to get a boyfriend. From the age of 12 , a lot of people in my year started getting into relationships, some jumping quickly from one to the next, but I was never really that bothered. I got asked out a couple of times during this period, and even went out with a guy for a week when I was about 12, although I don’t think that this counts. Sure, I sometimes thought it would be nice to have a boyfriend, especially when we reached 16 and 17 and it seemed like I was the only person who had never had one. But now, having never been in a proper relationship at 22, I don’t actually care. I have always been the kind of person who genuinely enjoys my own company. While I love spending time with my friends, I also need to be able to retreat and just not spend time with people for several hours, or even a day or two at a time. Therefore, the idea of being in a relationship and spending a lot of time with a person, without getting totally sick of them, is almost laughable sometimes. I do sometimes think it would be nice to be in a relationship, which is usually when I end up scrolling through Tinder and talking to a guy for several weeks, before I realise that he is definitely not what I want and I have to let him down, ghost him, or, usually, come up with a pretty lame excuse.
Sex & Relationships
Being single or usually being the one to ghost the Tinder boys doesn’t mean I haven’t had my fair share of heartache over the past few years, and this definitely leaves me reluctant to pursue anything with someone. The countless romance movies that I just cannot seem to get enough of have probably given me a slightly idealised image of what a relationship should be like, but I also recognise this. I think still being single at 22 has very much given me the idea that when I do get a boyfriend, hopefully he’ll be it. I know from experience I’m not a casual dater, and I just don’t enjoy it all that well. And part of what terrifies me about getting into a relationship is the potential heartbreak, because I do not deal well with that. Learning to love myself, as cliché as that may sound to some people, is something that I’ve been trying to work on, and I feel being single is the best situation to be in for that. At the end of the day, I am very happy with where I am at. The questions from family every time I come home from university about whether I’m seeing anyone yet don’t bother me. While I’ll joke with my friends that I want a boyfriend and would say yes if the right guy came along, I’m content with being single and with myself. I think it would take a pretty great guy to change that.
WORDS BY MEGAN CROSSMAN IMAGE BY ZHEN ZHONG
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SEX & RELATIONSHIPS
THE AIDS CRISIS: HOW A G OV E R N M E N T FA I L E D T H E G AY COMMUNIT Y Ronald Reagan, the 40th President of the United States,
The central reason as to why the Reagan Government’s
stood at a podium in 1987 and said to those watching
response to the AIDS Crisis is very simple.
that ‘when it comes to preventing AIDS, don’t medicine and
government, made up of a right-wing republican base
morality teach the same lessons?’ Such a statement was
was teeming with homophobia.
widely condemned, as was the Government’s response
with audio of White House press briefings prove what
to combating the disease. Indeed, when you consider
little interest the Government had in dealing with this
how important the fight against AIDS is now, the US
seriously. The first recorded question to the White House
Government’s response in the 1980s was as incompetent
addressing AIDS in 1982 saw the Press Secretary laugh
as it gets.
and suggest that the reporter asking the questions was
His
A transcript, along
a homosexual. A year later, when the issue was raised New Zealand, in November of 2019, completed a major
again, the Press Secretary was again amused, interpreting
breakthrough in combating HIV/AIDS. They developed
the reporter’s questions as an indication of his sexuality.
the world’s first HIV-positive sperm bank. This allows
Both subtle yet undoubtedly homophobic remarks were
those with HIV to donate sperm, with the virus itself
met with laughter from the other reporters present at
contained to a level that it cannot be detected or even
such press conferences.
passed on through unprotected sex or childbirth. The medical progress is seen as a great victory in reducing the
The disease, that for all intents and purposes, was
stigma for people suffering with the disease as revealed
originally named ‘Gay Cancer’ by the US Media,
by do-nor Damien Rule-Neal who was first diagnosed 20
symbolised the harshness of ‘Reaganism’ and the
years ago:
attitude of the administration to-wards the homosexual community. When UCLA first reported the disease in
‘I want to show the world that life doesn’t stop post-diagnosis
1981, it was made very clear to everyone that it was the
and help to remove the stigma.’
stereotypical hedonistic lifestyles of people who were gay that were to blame for the initial epidemic. The severity of
Mr Neal is undoubtedly gracious and positive role model
the disease was not taken lightly within the community.
in the fight against HIV/AIDS. As is New Zealand. It is,
Gay rights activist Larry Kramer remarked in 1982 that
therefore, nothing less than shameful when we look back
he had lost 15 friends to the diseases, with another 15
at the US, the ‘Land of the Free’ and its response to the
diagnosed. The Government, however, only saw fit to
AIDS crisis that swept America and indeed the world in
dedicate $12 million dollars to AIDS research. This was
the 1980s.
not enough. By 1987, over 16,000 people had died from the disease. The death of Rock Hudson, the first major
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Sex & Relationships
INTERNATIONAL
celebrity fatally affected by HIV/AIDS, saw the amfAR
elected to protect them, simply because of the way they
(Foundation for AIDS Research Movement), formed
lived their lives. It took thousands of deaths and several
in 1983, take a prominent role in fighting the disease
years of campaigning for the President to even mention
as well as educating the wider public about its causes.
AIDS. However, we can be thankful that people like Larry
The Reagan Administration would increase its research
Kramer and Ryan White did what they could to not only
funding to $500 Million.
raise awareness and funds to combat the disease, but also lay the foundations to reduce the stigma for people with
As the decade wore on, the myth that homosexual
AIDS. Without them, the revolutionary Sperm Bank in New
promiscuity was dispelled, as health officials began
Zealand may not have been possible.
to understand the various ways the disease could be contracted. One such method was via blood transfusion, meaning that the disease would occur among hemophiliacs. This did little to reduce the stigma surrounding the disease. Indeed, for many hemophiliacs, the stigma it brought to their lives was not only unnecessary, but severely damaging.
The most famous case was that
of Ryan White, a young boy from Indiana. He was diagnosed with AIDS in 1984 and was expelled from school, amid fears from parents that their children would be susceptible to contracting it as well. White was allowed to return to school in 1986 and was catapulted into the national spotlight as a prominent AIDS activist. He rejected any claim that he was an ‘innocent’ victim, compared to gay people, who were shamefully and vindictively portrayed as guilty. White’s death in 1990 at the age of 18, saw tributes pour in from around the globe. What remains ingrained in public memory, was one from the then ex-President Reagan. ‘We owe it to Ryan to be compassionate, caring and tolerant...it’s the disease that’s frightening, not the people who have it.’ The US Government’s response to the AIDS crisis in
WORDS BY HENRY SHAH IMAGE BY TEDDY ÖSTERBLOM ON UNSPLASH
the 1980s was far from accepta-ble. Those affected by the disease were demonised and humiliated by those Sex & Relationships
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Relationship Norms While Travelling WORDS BY MEGAN CROSSMAN IMAGE BY TILLY ROBERTS In the UK, we’re used to relatively relaxed dating norms and
While in the UK you’re probably used to either one person paying
rules. We’ve all seen one too many times a couple getting off a
or splitting the bill with ease, some countries have more defined
bit too graphically on the Jesters or Oceana dancefloor, but for
views. If you’re dating in the Netherlands you should expect to
some countries, this is severely frowned upon. In some countries
split the bill with your partner. Meanwhile, in Korea, only one
even hand holding isn’t acceptable and could even get you in the
person should pay. There aren’t any gender expectations to this
trouble with the law. Here’s what you should be aware of when in
as both men and woman are allowed to pay the bill without
a relationship or starting to date while abroad.
judgement. In Mexico and Russia, it is expected that the man will pay for the meal.
Handholding Sex There are widely different rules and expectations for hand holding depending on the country. In Morocco, same sex hand holding is
The UK is renowned for its hook-up culture, and no doubt some
accepted and considered a sign of friendship. Opposite sex hand
of those couples you saw kissing on the Jesters dancefloor last
holding is not. In Korea you can hold hands, but nothing more.
night will have been heading back for a one-night stand. Some
Only if you’re married can you hold hands in Dubai, otherwise it’s
countries also have a relaxed view to sex, such as Italy. Couples
a punishable offence.
in Italy typically wait until the relationship gets more serious for oral sex but penetrative sex can often happen before the first date.
Public Displays of Affection
However, in Dubai, premarital sex is illegal.
Although you may not appreciate seeing the drunk couples at
While travelling in a relationship or dating while travelling should
1am getting off on every night out, this is largely accepted in the
not be a concern, always make sure that you’re safe when meeting
UK. If you travel to Japan, however, PDA is not very common or
up with new people and look into the cultural norms of where
accepted. In Punjab you won’t even see kissing at a wedding as
you’re visiting. While in some countries you might just get a dirty
PDA is that frowned upon. As long as you’re not at a holy site,
look, you don’t want to risk imprisonment in places like Dubai
PDA is perfectly fine in Israel.
for a hand hold.
In several countries PDA could land you in trouble with the law. In Russia the punishment for PDA is a three-month prison sentence or a fine. While being close with someone of the same sex is fine in Egypt, kissing, like in Russia, is not only frowned upon but a punishable offence. Dubai is infamous for its strict laws on PDA. Even as a married couple, kissing is considered public indecency and can land you with a prison sentence or deportation. Splitting the Bill
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MISADVENTURES ABROAD WORDS BY MILES REBERIO IMAGE BY TILLY ROBERTS
There’s a fleeting mystical air of romance about foreign shores; the exoticism, the food, the culture, the feeling that the normal rules of romantic etiquette have completely been discarded, and you should live in the moment because you’re not in real time. There’s something delightfully romantic about Barcelona. Romance permeates the streets as you hear the faint sounds of Latin music and the gentle taps of Flamenco dancers at 1am having drank a little too much sangria. My friend Ronan and I went to Barca during the summer just before we went to university and boy, was it romantic. I remember one night coming back home to our overpriced hotel to discover he had even lain rose petals over our bed.
in store? I’d been talking to one person for most of the night, and we had loads of chemistry, magic and sparks. We both knew that we’ll never see each other again, so we had better make this count. I’ll spare you the details, but we had a good time. So good, I woke up on the beach at 12pm by myself, having lost all my things in the sea and with no way of getting back home. I’m sure you thought this would be a more romantic story, but instead, you can have cheap laughs at my expense. Later I came to learn that my friend Ronan had in fact not lain the roses on the bed for me, but had instead been sent them by his then girlfriend who had attached a note that read ‘you are dumped’- true story, which even at the time I thought was an odd choice of breakup gifts, but I digress…
We’ve all fantasised about having a holiday romance; to be approached by a Spanish senorita (or matador if you’re that way inclined). Well this story is exactly that. On our last night, we met some people outside a jazz bar (jazz is romantic, right?). It turned out that they were from Manchester and staying in what Barcelona Monthly describes as ‘the worst hostel in Barcelona’. It’s okay, we can still make it to romance; we were in the jazz bar, our lips stained with sangria, talking about Spanish architecture: ‘Oh my god have you seen the Sagrada Família, you absolutely must go, you know it’s still being built!’ I was loving it, as was Ronan - finally, some culture instead of night club after night club, which had dominated the itinerary thus far. When the bar closed, everyone still wanted the keep the party going, so we walked to the beach. I must have lost track of time, because the sun was about to rise. I don’t think I’ve been happier - life really has never been more romantic! What else could this final day have 30
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TRAVEL
MANAGING LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS Moving abroad for a year or longer can put a strain on any relationship. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve been with your partner for long time or a short time, it’s still hard. This article will provide some methods of how to deal with these long periods away from each other.
whilst you’re away could be useful, as it offers a physical reminder of them. A common example is borrowing (stealing!) a hoodie and wearing it to bed so it acts as a comfort blanket for you, perhaps in lonelier times. What is also important when you’re living separately is to be supportive of each other and the lives you are living away from each other. Always remember you are different people with separate lives. You must make sure you both give each other the opportunity to flourish in whatever you do and not let the green-eyed monster creep in. Life still goes on no matter where you or your partner are in the world, and you can’t limit each other because you’re not together to do the same things.
The simplest way to manage these types of relationship is by making time to talk to each other. That can be through social media, texts or video calls, all of which allow you both to keep a line of communication open. Video calls are the best way to talk, as it is the closest you can get to a face-to-face conversation. You could try to designate a specific time to talk to each other each week, or simply There’s no denying that long distance relationships go with the flow and see how your time pans out. are hard. But with the right mindset and regular communication, it can work. Plus, when you Another more old-fashioned but special way or your partner are away for a period of time, it to communicate with each other is to send makes you value the time you do have together. handwritten cards or notes. You could do this for anniversaries, birthdays or just because. They (PSA: This is what I do in my relationship, and every take a lot more time, effort and money than a text situation is different. You know what’s best for you and message, but it will mean the world, so it’s worth it! your relationship) It is extremely important to have something to look forward to when you’re away, particularly if you feel homesick. This is also a good tactic to employ in a relationship. Visiting your significant other, or them coming to see you abroad, is so amazing. It is not always easy, due to the time and costs involved, but if you can do it, you should. However, you need to remember that saying goodbye again is never easy. Therefore, if you do meet up in person during the year, you should plan for when you’re next seeing each other so that you both have something to put in your calendar and look forward to! Then, it’s not really a goodbye, but a see you soon. If you cannot see each other regularly for whatever reason, borrowing something of theirs to have Sex & Relationships
WORDS BY MEGAN GAEN IMAGE BY TILLY ROBERTS 31
SEX & RELATIONSHIPS
HOW TO SPICE UP A SEX LIFE IN UNDER 30 MINUTES WORDS BY EMILY DENNIS IMAGE BY NINA PANNONE
A wise webpage once stated that routine is the death of a good sex life. In order to keep yourself and your partner(s) happy, it’s important to spice things up in the bedroom, keeping things fresh. However, sexual liberation has been on a steady increase and the normal ways to spice up a sex life are now routine - meaning death. But how can we spice up spiced-up? There is only one answer. Spice.
But things don’t have to be in the bedroom to get spicy. A simple way of letting your partner know you’re thinking about them - that you’re really thinking about them - is using the new advances in technology to up your flirting game. Sexting is a way this can be done, but rather than focusing on indecent images, perhaps try to focus on the fragrant nature of emojis. Typical raunchy emojis include the aubergine, peach, and pancakes, but this can often lead to complications. Sending and receiving pictures of food can lead you to become hungry, which prompts either guilt eating or the ceasing of flirtatious play. However, cayenne pepper is known for its fat-burning properties, which essentially means you can eat while you flirt, free from guilt and full of spice.
Food is a very useful tool when incorporated into a sexy routine. However, excessive consumption of sexy foods can lead to adverse health effects, such as high blood sugar. Luckily for spice fans, cinnamon can be used in these situations due to its innate ability to reduce that darned blood sugar, so chowing down in a sensuous manner can become a new and intimate way to add flavour to any standard meal. Fruits, like bananas, work perfectly in this scenario, raising blood sugar and sexual tensions, while If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, grab some allspice the cinnamon coating inspires low blood sugar and spicy and prepare for the sauté of your life. This is a sure-fire way aftertastes. to flambé the sex that you’ve always wanted but dared not attempt. Follow the recipe below to see how this is done. A lack of hydration is all too common a problem during highly intense moments of passion. Lack of hydration Maple glazed sex life can lead to dryness of the mouth, the opposite to the Makes one spicy relationship moistness that is desired by many recipes. Dryness can Ingredients: also lead to one of the biggest mood killers: bad breath. 1 bored routine The smell is a big evocation of memory, so it’s important 1tsp cinnamon to combine enticing smells with physical stimulation. Bad 1 whole nutmeg seed breath is not ideal in representing an intense sex life and 1tsp cayenne pepper is certainly not the taste sensation that one would hunger for. One way to reduce this effect is taking a swig of water, Method: but that can be cumbersome and requires a wait time of 1. Preheat antics to hot and steamy ˚C a few moments, leading to a hormonal depletion similar 2. Grind the routine (ensure ingredients are thoroughly to the disappointment of an unrisen soufflé. A better and combined) spicy way to fix this issue is using nutmeg. This helpful 3. Add spice seed can be ground into a powder or chomped whole, and 4. Bring to the boil, then leave to simmer its curing abilities eliminate bad breath and instead leave a 5. Remove from heat sweet and spicy smell - a memory you won’t be forgetting 6. Congratulate yourself on becoming the latest taste any time soon. sensation. 32
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IT’S NOT ME IT’S YOU: HOW TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR PARTNER
It’s February, a month synonymous with the blossoming of love and relationships. Exciting, butterfly-inducing and heart-tingling. You might be embarking on a daunting new fling with that mysterious girl at the coffee shop or attempting to spice up your wilting longdistance relationship with the boy from back home. Either way, it won’t be long until you catch a glance of yourselves in a reflection and, suddenly, you look like siblings. All good things come to an end. So, what better way to spend this day of love than clueing up on some masterful means to break it off? Thank me later. Face to face It’s traditional, it’s well tested, it’s just absolutely textbook. Come on, though. It’s not very original, possibly even a bit boring. Much like the relationship, no doubt. Let’s branch out mate. Text
Certainly the modern way to do it. Very hip and trendy. If your partner is younger (easy now) then it will be most appreciated. However, make sure to check your monthly allowance well in advance as the last thing you want from this mess is some unwanted fees. MSM incoming. Email Professional. Mature. Most definitely courteous. Chuck a few ‘best wishes’ in, get rid of your ‘sent from’ signature and always include a subject title. If you’ve only got a Hotmail account though, it might be best to stick this break up through LinkedIn. Time to grow up. Post
WORDS BY MARCUS MATTHEWS IMAGE BY FRED MOON VIA UNSPLASH Get your Mum to do it They say your Mum will be there for you no matter what. It’s time to put that theory to the test. Cometh the house, cometh the Mother and all that. Now, what’s for tea? Christmas Day. Next to Lincoln Cathedral. In a Volkswagen Up. Possibly, just maybe, a little bit too close to home for me, this one. In a car originally made by the Nazis of all people. Keep it festive. Move very, very, very far away I’m not just talking Reading. It’s got to be at least Slough. Perhaps do the reverse Brexit and head to Europe, whilst you still can. Get lost, literally, in the souks of Marrakesh. Settle down with a nice allotment in the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, if you can find them. Anywhere your (former) partner won’t be able to find you. Just make sure you’ve got enough time booked off work before it gets too inconvenient for anyone. All in all, love is a tricky mistress and we’re all slaves to the system. If Valentines has treated you well this year, that’s great. We’re all so happy for you. But before you can really know if you love them, just ask yourself one thing; How can I break up with them?
Nothing says a patriotic break up than a nice letter through your post-box, putting all your faith in the Royal Mail. If it doesn’t get there in time, that’s just all the more reason to nationalise. For the many (breakups), not the few (couples). But fear not, nationalistic or not, you can always trust the system and your local posty. Gah. Carrier Pigeon A direct rival to the written letter. In this environmentally-aware world we live, is there any other option? Tweet tweet, goodbye. Ghosting Avoids the tricky issue of texting fees we diced with earlier. It’s certainly less effort for either of you and, from what I’ve read, it only has a slight chance of leaving one of you reeling with commitment issues going forward. Still, if it doesn’t go well, you can always pretend nothing happened and pick things up where they left off. There’s a clear conscience for you.
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Culture Festival Discover something different #CultureFest More info at susu.org
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06 - 20 March 2020
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