Will you enjoy your family’s holiday gathering? By Fay Craton Opinion: It is that time of year when we plan for the year-end holidays. Halloween has come and gone, and Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Even with the continued pandemic, families are cautiously exploring holiday gettogethers. Gathering with loved ones is important–even if some relatives can be annoying. Sometimes, before attending family events, it is beneficial to take a personal inventory about why you are attending, your coping skills, and to consider viewing irritation from a fresh perspective. Why are you going to your family function? Is it something you want to attend or not? If you want to attend it, great. However, you may be among the people who do not look forward to group functions. The reasons can be varied. There could be too much drama; perhaps you feel you do not deserve to be with your family or maybe there is too much noise, activity or the energy of the gathering is more than you can easily tolerate. Is it hard for you to talk about why you do not enjoy attending family and/or group gatherings? Understanding the “why” is important. I encourage you to take some alone time to define what makes it difficult for you to attend. Once you have an understanding about the why, you can begin creating a plan to help you cope. In the past, what has been successful to help you enjoyably navigate the day? Do you have healthy coping skills which are difficult to remember when you are stressed? Think about what has been successful in the past before you go to the event. You may wish to write past successes down on a piece of paper or on the notepad of your phone to read to yourself while at the event. In this way you will get a pause from the stressor when you read the note, and a reminder as to what you can do to navigate the situation in a healthy manner. When thinking about past gatherings, are they too hard or painful to think about? It can be really hard to look forward to a family get-together when there is an ongoing history of discomfort. It could be that the healthiest path for you is to make only a short appearance or to not attend the event. It is okay for you to take care of yourself. If you decide not to attend, I encourage you to make enjoyable alternative plans during the same timeframe of the gathering. You do not want to be sitting at home dwelling about your family. Be sure to create a pleasant memory for the day.
Are you still planning to attend, but are uncertain about healthy coping skills? Here are some suggestions you might wish to consider: • If there is too much drama, consider what is behind the trauma. Sometimes people create drama because they are feeling controlled, bored or disconnected. Drama does not solve these conditions. Practicing connection, attention, kindness and especially empathy could be a path toward decreasing drama, or at least making it easier for you to tolerate it. For example, if somebody is being a “drama king/queen” look past their behaviors to see a loving presence. • If you feel you do not deserve to be with your family, temporarily attempt to change your thoughts by considering what you have done that is worthwhile and/or has benefited others. Create a summary of the good you have contributed to, and during the event, pull up the summary to remind yourself to remember worthwhile moments. This probably will not change your deep “not good enough” feelings, but it could shift your experience of being at your family get-together. Changing your lasting deeper feelings will probably require obtaining the assistance of a therapist. • If the noise or activity is more than you can tolerate, consider taking a break from the event by going for a walk. • Avoid using alcohol or drugs on the day of the event. They will decrease your ability to think clearly and successfully and healthily navigate your family relationships. • Do not bully others at the event. Demeaning another person does not make you better. Building healthy relationships includes compassion and empathy. My wish is for you to enjoy the holiday season. In doing so, there is no one “right” or “wrong” way to do it. Each person has their own needs. I encourage you to listen to your own heart as to what is appropriate for you. To build healthy family relationships it is important to first look within yourself. If you are struggling with pain, shame, confusion, depression or anxiety about how relate to your family, please seek assistance from a therapist or minister. Fay Craton, M.A. is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (mfc40011), which is the psychology license specializing in relationships (with ourselves or with others). She provides video-based counseling and is located in Westchester. If you have any questions, please contact Fay at (310) 645-6762.
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WESTCHESTER LUTHERAN CHURCH & SCHOOL
November 2021 • Page 21
