Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The Western

ALTERNATIVE APRIL 1, 2017 • PRESENTING ALTERNATIVE FACTS SINCE 2016

BOOZE GALORE!

ur Outside yo 20 rez door in ee! fr s ’ t i r o s e t minu NTEE UARA

KMA G A H C E H T •

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T N E D U T S T S E B E “TH ” A D A N A C N I E C N E E X P E RI

s n o i t c e l e C S U e c a l p e r • Lottery to x a o H e s r o H • D E K S A M N • Profs U

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The Western Alternative

2 • SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2017

ALTERNATIVE THE ‘TRUTH’ BEHIND PROF EMAILS The Western

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BY WINGBAT WENTE The Western Alternative has confirmed that all Western profs will attend an annual How To Send A Shitty Email workshop in September. The goal of the workshop is to teach profs how to exert as little effort as possible when responding to student emails.

“I’d say I spend 10 to 12 minutes crafting an email to a prof,” says Joe Schmoe, second-year brown-noser. “I always start with a polite-as-fuck greeting, followed by an ‘I don’t want to bother you,’ then ask my question and finally end with a chipper email signature.”

Conversely, profs spend three to four seconds “crafting” the average email to a student. The Western Alternative worked in co-operation with Western’s IT department to confirm the suspicions expressed by thousands of students; profs don’t care about email niceties.

After reading thousands of emails between profs and students, the IT department revealed that, “Ok. Sent from my iPhone,” was the number one response from profs to students. A close second was, “Yes. Thnks.”

And no, the missing ‘a’ in thanks was not a Western Alternative typo.

Although many profs subscribe to this ideology and safeguard the secrets of the ‘how to send a shitty email’ workshop, one prof went rogue by revealing these

well-kept secrets to the Western Alternative.

“The key message delivered at the workshop was ‘Care as little as possible!’” shares English professor Paige Turner. “And I just couldn’t handle the email apathy.”

Turner reveals that the reason behind giving poor responses is to deter useless questions — or even worse, panic-induced questions the night before an assignment is due.

To make students feel like she cares about their questions, regardless if they can be answered by reading the frickin’ syllabus, Turner makes a concerted effort to spend eight seconds on each email response.

“It’s the least I can do to show my students I care,” Turner says of her thoughtful email responses. “I even include their first name in the greeting!”

Truly a saint.

Now that the How To Send A Shitty Email workshop has become public news, it’s unclear if the workshop will continue in future years. The IT department is under investigation for revealing this email scandal and profs are reeling that their tactics have been exposed.

“I just want my profs to spell my name correctly in an email,” Schmoe begs. “At least pretend like you know me, won’t cha!?”

WESTERNGAZETTE

@UWOGAZETTE

WESTERNGAZETTE

UWOGAZETTE

WESTERNGAZETTE

WESTERNTV

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The Gazette is owned and published by the University Students’ Council.

TEACHERS GET SCHOOLED

BY DODGY LA PEN Professors now must take mandatory grammar lessons before writing exams.

A research study revealed that grammar mistakes rendered questions ambiguous and hindered students’ ability to understand what was being tested.

However, professors have secretly known that grammar mistakes only serve to confuse students.

“We like to be as elusive as possible. We say we don’t like to trick people, but that’s exactly what we’re doing,” says professor Javid Smith.

After professor Tom Laffie disclosed the results of this study, students were outraged.

An angry student explained how triggered she was.

“Not only does my prof make spelling mistakes on every question, but she has the audacity to use comic sans on her exams,” says Polly T. Mella, third-year medical sciences student.

“Why do we call them professors if they can’t even spell? The only thing that they’re pro at is making mistakes,” exclaimed fourth-year BMOS student Johnson Jr. Johnson.

In response to the outrage, Laffie issued a clicker questionnaire asking what the appropriate remediation was for the issue.

While the overwhelming response was “bite me,” the professors could not logistically bite every single student in their class. After the popular response, most students voted in favour of mandatory grammar lessons for professors.

With finals season approaching, professors are scrambling to finish their grammar lessons in order to write their exams for the students.

If professors fail to complete their grammar lessons before their exams, professors will get a slap on the wrist while students can expect to be fucked over just the same.

The Western Alternative

SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2017 • 3

Y B A B ON !

D R BOA TWITTER SPLIT OVER ADOPTION ‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’

Chakma adopts weird alien child

Solution to puzzle on page 11

BY NUTTY FARAGE First there was Roswell, then there was Area 51, now there’s Stevenson Hall.

Earlier this month photos surfaced on social media of Western University’s President Amit Chakma with a blanketed baby, sparking questions about the child’s origins. One photographer even snagged a photo of the baby’s strangely large head and eerily grey skin tone.

Another scandal for Chakma could be detrimental after the controversy regarding his pay just a few years ago. Wanting to address these rumours head on, Chakma held a press conference this morning at Alumni Hall.

“Today I am introducing a new member of my family. Maddox has been adjusting well to his life at home and I would appreciate privacy during this special time,” he declared, explaining how he had adopted a new child.

“At 57 years old, it is one of the happiest and most exciting times of my life to become a father again,” Chakma said.

Some people have speculated about this new child’s origins — is he one of us? Does he share our values? Where did he come from?

People on social media have been musing about the child’s species. A hashtag #ChakmaAlienBaby began trending in London as users zoomed in and highlighted various features from the many photos circulating on the web.

Many are concerned if adopting an alien child is a sign of political correctness.

One user, AlphaBeta6969 tweeted, “That shit in his arms is straight out of E.T. #ChakmaAlienBaby #WTF.” Alien expert Giorgio A. Tsoukalos even weighed in on the matter in an interview with the Western Alternative.

“I’m not gonna say it’s an alien, but it’s probably an alien — and by probably, it is,” Tsoukalso said.

Other experts have pointed out the photos of the baby resemble a tall grey, an alien species that has been speculated about for

decades. If little Maddox is one of them, he would be the first confirmed of his kind — not only in Canada, but in the world.

This possibility has even led prominent national politicians to become invested.

“What I would first want to know is, does this new child share Canadian values?” mused Kellie Leitch, who is running for the Conservative Party of Canada’s leadership.

Leitch went on to explain that she was unfamiliar with the culture norms of tall greys but was worried they may perform cultural barbaric practices.

Others have declared this level of xenophobia to potential extraterrestrials as hostile and unwarranted.

Western even released a statement, expressing its support for Chakma and its support for anyone regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, gender expression and planet of origin.

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The Western Alternative

4 • SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2017

ALCOHOL DELIVERY STRAIGHT TO YOUR DOOR IN REZ!

BY CRACKPOT COOPER

Cheers can be heard echoing across campus from Saugeen all the way to Ontario Hall as Western Housing announces a new program to deliver alcohol to its residences.

The idea was brought to the table after concerns were raised about student safety. Riley Stevenson, a 19-yearold first-year social science student, dislocated a shoulder carrying five 26s and a case of beer from the bus stop to his residence.

“I just want to make sure no one else gets injured the way I did,” Stevenson says. “It’s a completely avoidable problem and I’m glad Western is taking a proactive approach to the issue.”

The delivery program is developing quickly. Housing is considering setting up a tab on their website called “Choose Your Juice” where students, after logging on with their Western username, can place alcohol orders from a residence-approved LCBO selection.

A representative from housing, Shirley Roberts, suggests that this ordering system will help “prevent students from knocking back 40s of vodka like they’re nothing” and alleviate problems with

dangerous binge drinking. In addition, Western is hoping to keep partying in residence and avoid underage student engagement with seedy London establishments. Housing also views this as an opportunity to start organizing intra-residence beer pong tournaments to increase the social interaction between students.

“We’re thinking of rearranging the roles of residence advisors,” says Roberts.

“Instead of breaking up drinking games, RAs can act as referees. We think it will improve the dynamics in the buildings as well.”

No one is certain about what the results of the program will be, but many are hopeful. University Students’ Council superstar Giddy Avila believes that this is a step in the right direction for Western.

“Advocating for all first-year students to have access to liquor, whether they have a 19-year-old floormate or not, creates better equality across campus,” Avila says. “This is just another innovation in the process of providing the best student experience.”

The pilot project will be kicked off by Western President Amit Chakma who guarantees 20-minute delivery time.

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New vaccine set to end hangovers, but Western douche gene immune

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BY SLEEZY KELLY A vaccine that is now under development at Western University may hold the key to curing hangovers.

Dr. Ruby Ola and her lab have been working on the VdKa vaccine since September 2013. The vaccine contains heat-killed alcoholitus influenza, the virus found in alcohol that causes hangovers, to induce an immune response in recipients.

Injecting a weaker form of the virus allows the body to form memory cells that will recognize and attack future viral infections, effectively giving immunity against hangovers to the vaccine recipient.

“It’s a huge epidemic in many universities, especially in schools like Western, Queen’s and Laurier. We see firsthand the devastating effects of hangovers here, which is the main reason why we started researching a vaccine,” says Ola. Hangovers affect 78 per cent of the student population at Western, resulting in headaches, fatigue and regret. They are the defining symptoms of alcoholitus influenza, usually acquired through consumption of alcohol. It’s a debilitating disease, often leaving students bedridden for days.

It can be particularly damaging to students who get infected on a school night, as the effects of hangover can begin to appear within 24 hours.

Anita Drink, a first-year Ivey HBA student, came down with a hangover after going to the Barking Frog on a Thursday night.

“Ivey students don’t have to pay cover at Frog

on Thursdays if we show our business card, so obviously I had to take advantage of that. Except I had 8 a.m. class the next morning, and I was literally dead. But no regrets!”

Mel Airea, a public health officer with the London-Middlesex Health Unit, says that firstyear students are also particularly susceptible to alcoholitus influenza.

“For many first-year students, this is their first exposure to the virus. Their lack of immunity combined with close living proximity and frequent residence parties mean they’re at an increased risk for hangovers,” explains Airea.

If the vaccine is successful, it could mean a campus-wide vaccination program within the next decade. Because the VdKa vaccine is heatkilled and therefore weaker than a live attenuated vaccine, it will require several booster shots to maintain hangover immunity. Ola predicts that students will require two booster shots throughout the year: one before Homecoming and one before St. Paddy’s Day. The VdKa vaccine is slated to enter Phase III trials in April 2017. Phase III is meant to test a vaccine’s effectiveness against its intended target virus, and recruits susceptible patients. Ola plans on administering the VdKa vaccine to voluntary participants waiting in line at Ceeps, an appropriate sample population of the vaccine’s target demographic.

The Western Alternative

SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2017 • 5

KEG KILLER ON THE LOOSE

BY CROOKED O’REILLY

Tobi shatters keg stand record with 1:33 personal best!

BY DAFT TAPPER A tent. Canned tuna. A flimsy black jacket. Wallet and ID. These are the only items that Western student, Vinny Guadagnino, has with him camped outside the Ceeps.

Guadagnino has been camped outside the bar for 27 days and nights.

The fourth-year BMOS student has desperately been trying to party at the Ceeps all year but hasn’t been able to enter because of the absurdly long lines that have consistently remained outside the bar.

“One time I arrived at Ceeps at 7:30 p.m. on Monday and the line went all the way up Richmond to main gates!” the dedicated student exclaimed.

Other students waiting in line seem to be working in shifts to maintain their spot. One student will stand for 12 hours, then rotate with one of their friends, who will text the rest of the friend group to jump the line should they come within one kilometre of the building.

“I need to go before I graduate. I’ll camp out here until convocation if I gotta,” Guadagnino continued.

But Guadagnino is working solo — none of his friends wanted to participate in the campout. They have opted to go to class, which Guadagnino has a hard time understanding.

Despite the cold temperatures, Guadagnino has persisted. After inching his way to the front, he is now within the golden one kilometre radius of the entrance.

He feels that this Thursday will be the day he gets in to the bar, or at least gets his tent perched on the platform atop the stairs outside the entrance.

The determined student experienced a significant setback on St. Patrick’s Day when his green tent was carried off to Molly Bloom’s by a group of drunken students.

Guadagnino reports that the students chanted, “Bring the leprechaun to the Irish pub!” while Guadagnino was still in the tent.

After the drunken students set the tent down in front of Molly’s and realized Guadagnino was not in fact a leprechaun, they left him to scurry back to Ceeps.

Guadagnino was discouraged to see that the unlucky setback caused him to lose his spot; 425 additional people were now ahead of him in line.

“It was pretty heartbreaking, seeing all my hard work go to waste,” Guadagnino reflects. “But it’s okay because I grabbed some canned beans on my way back from Ceeps to add to my rations.”

Since the incident last week, Guadagnino has remained patient and it appears to have paid off. There are only 46 people ahead of him in line because of the cold spells that drove other students home. Guadagnino is a true warrior of the bar lines.

The Western Alternative wishes Guadagnino luck in achieving his goal of partying at Ceeps one last time before graduation.

Student camps outside ceeps for 27 days

Tobi Boleso, the University Students’ Council (USC) president-elect, broke the record for the longest keg stand by an incoming president. Last weekend, the annual presidential mixer took place at the Phi Slama Jama house, and the moment looked like it was out of a Renaissance painting.

The previous presidential record was 15 seconds set in 1969.

Boleso shattered the record by performing an astounding oneminute and 33-second keg stand.

“I always try to set the bar really high; leading by example here at Western is really important,” said Boleso.

The house was packed, the music was loud and inhibitions were low, but there was nothing that was going to stop Boleso from trying to break the record. Some may say this helped Boleso. It was all about living in the moment and performing under pressure.

“It’s great to see that the incoming president steps up like that” said fourth-year political science student Jackson Brown. “I think it’s really important that people in leadership take every opportunity to shatter expectations, no matter how arbitrary you might think it will be.”

If Boleso had not broken the record, the future of the school would have been in serious jeopardy. What would that of said about our incoming president if he couldn’t even take a keg stand like a champ?

Previous USC leadership has been falling short and for the first time in close to 50 years, there’s an incoming president that will lead for the people.

Greek life at Western has always had close ties with the proletariat at the school and in the local community. Having a president that represents this unity, and plans on dissolving the crippling social hierarchy that strives at Western, is exactly what Western needs.

The crowd at the party unified under the chant: “All the power to the Mustangs!” the moment Boleso crossed the 15-second mark.

“We didn’t think he would break the record, then he beat it and we didn’t think he would keep going” said Phi Slama Jama president Chad Preston Ashmont III. “Time stood still, it was a beautiful moment.”

Boleso gracefully came down from the top of the keg, put one hand on the incoming vice-president’s head and the other in the air. The crowd cheered; it was deafening — some even teared up.

The Western Mustangs community is in good hands. The next thing on the incoming president’s schedule is a communal hotbox event. We hope to see if he can break the record for largest bong hit by an incoming president.

HOW LONG IS TOO LONG?

The Western Alternative

6 • SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2017

USC DEMOCRACY: RACE TO THE

BOTTOM “We

finally fixed it!!

ELECTION LOTTERY April 2, 2017

rry Orbach-Stiller La Featuring Tobi Boleso Executive Position

President

BY GOOFY CONWAY

A

fter decades of trying to figure how to run an election, the USC has finally given up and opted for a novel technique to elect student leaders at Western.

According to USC communications officer Emily Froth, the new system will see the winners being picked out of a lottery. This new method will be implemented at the student programs officer (SPO) election this Sunday.

“This is best for everyone involved,” Froth said. “There is no pressure on the candidates to run a campaign, no demerit points, no chance of us fucking up the results and no Gazette bullying the USC.” The new electoral system is the first of its kind in Canada. While other student unions have been

more skeptical, the USC is excited to introduce a new way to subvert democracy.

“I did this,” said USC vice-president Jamie Teary. “I advocated in London, I advocated in Toronto, I advocated in Ottawa. Advocacy works.”

Students interested in running for USC president and vice-president can put their names down on a piece of paper and drop it in a box at the Spoke.

The box will be opened on Feb. 3, when chair of the Western Student Senators Larry OrbachStiller and former candidate for every election at Western, will draw the winning chit with the new SPO’s name on it.

“It’s bittersweet for me, tbh,” Orbach-Stiller said. “If they had

introduced this system earlier, Team FiBrina would’ve had a better chance of winning.”

After threats of vote tampering emerged, the USC has ensured the draw box will be surrounded by Campus Police, at an extra charge of $1,200.

Campus Police have circulated photos of USC vice-president elect and serial Facebook messenger Landon Sulk and have pointed him out as a person of interest.

USC president Giddy Avila also put out a statement with regards to Sulk.

“I urge everyone to delete Sulk off Facebook for the duration of this election,” he said. “If he messages you on Facebook, please, please report it right away. He needs supervision.”

”

The Western Alternative

SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2017 • 7

E R O M NO E C I N .

MR Y GU

AVILA ALMOST SNAPS!!

SHOUTS OF ‘POKÉMON NO’ WERE HEARD THROUGHOUT THE UCC ATRIUM

BY LOONY LEVANT “His anger was audible throughout the third floor,” exclaimed University Students’ Council (USC) communications officer Emily Froth. “Even I can’t defend it.”

Reports have emerged that USC president and perennially chipper guy Giddy Avila winded up to slap a toddler across the face, only stopping at the last second.

In what many are hailing as a remarkable moment, there are conflicting reports about what caused Avila to not only lose his smile but nearly strike the three-year-old in the face.

Sources have said that it all began over a Pokémon Go dispute. Avila is one of a handful in London still faithfully wandering around hoping to “catch them all.” While demographic data suggests the mobile app is most popular from ages eight through 15, Avila remains a huge fan.

“It’s a little frustrating at Western, there are a lot of Pidgeys,” said Avila with a heavy amount of sadness in his voice.

But it was not a Pidgey that caused the almost-slap.

Those familiar with the situation indicate that a Lapras was the instigating factor. Three-year-old pre-schooler Martha Asda was in the UCC on his iPad as his mother went to the washroom. Asda reportedly captured the last Lapras in the UCC. This is when the slap allegedly almost happened.

Students are reportedly disappointed that Avila snapped, especially at a child.

“He’s just so nice, ya know?” said third-year biology student Phoebe Yi, who failed to expand when pressed for more details.

Indeed, the veneer of niceness has been shattered from Avila’s image. While many positively remarked that Avila was like a quieter, gentler Matt Helfand, many are now wandering if he’s a slappier Sophie Helpard.

The USC has rushed into crisis-mode, huddling to determine how best to address the issue.

Surprisingly absent from the backroom decision making was Frath, who was chatting up the Western Alternative and brainstorming ideas for videos in which she can send more appliances up escalators.

“I’m okay not being included, I didn’t even — wait! How about a barbecue in an elevator?!” she exclaimed.

Also typically absent from the meeting was USC vice-president Jamie Teary who was in Toronto but was able to be reached over the phone.

“He did what?” blurted out Teary.

“Well, I was too busy to be there. This morning had a meeting with Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne who complimented my suit, then we talked about a number of serious issues for students as we shared a variety of flavoured teas. Then around noon, I had an in-depth conversation with the minister of advanced education and skilled development — who I have on speed dial,” Teary, whose schedule for the day was actually empty except for allotted House of Cards watching time, explained.

By the late afternoon, the USC had released a video of Avila looking directly at the camera and solemnly addressing the issue on Facebook live. He offered an apology then appeared with the young Asda and offered to go rock climbing with her.

I’M SCARED TO BRING MY CHILDREN TO CAMPUS —CONCERNED STUDENT

The Western Alternative

8 • SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2017

FANSHAWE PUT IN ITS PLACE

College to be fourth affiliate of Western

BY RON BURGUNDY After months of discussion, Western’s board of governors announced in last night’s meeting that Fanshawe College is to be the University’s fourth affiliate college as of this coming September.

“Our main campus and fellow affiliates welcome Fanshawe,” said Amit Chakma, president of Western University. “Hopefully, this affiliation will help attract more students for upcoming academic years.”

Chakma further added that Fanshawe is currently undergoing the process of adopting the “University College” designation, similar to Huron, Brescia and King’s University College.

Students from Fanshawe will be welcome to take classes on main campus.

When questioned how Fanshawe students will be traveling to Western’s main campus, Chakma answered that the students should be able to walk, like most affiliate students. He stated that a convenient walkable distance between Western’s main campus and the affiliate colleges is key in fostering a good partnership.

Peter Devlin, Fanshawe College president, was also present at the meeting and added that it was an honour to be finally associated with the University.

“Fanshawe was established in the 1960s,” said Devlin. “So I’d say that we’ve been preparing for this moment for nearly 50 years.”

But many students were quick to voice their thoughts.

Third-year biology student, Chantelle Soberman, said that she constantly experiences difficulty in keeping track of the three current affiliates as a main campus student and sees no reason to add another one.

“I always have trouble remembering which college my friends belong to already,” complained Soberman. “I think Western should just stick with our three.”

Alexander Remes, first-year social science student, also shares similar doubts during this transition period.

He wonders what Fanshawe students could possibly bring to Western that

isn’t already fulfilled by the current affiliate colleges.

“We already have Brescia, King’s and Ivey,” said Remes. “What’s going to be different with Fanshawe? I’ve never even meet a Fanshawe student.”

Other students were hopeful that this new affiliate may mean the restoration of the Media Theory and Production (MTP) program that was cut earlier this academic year by the Senate.

However, no news has been released by either the University or the college.

Despite students’ concerns, Chakma and Devlin both expressed that they were absolutely delighted to work together in the hopes of making a better educational experience.

HOCO TO BE MONTH-LONG BOOZE FEST

BY SEEDY PALIN After the success of two Homecoming events this year, Amit Chakma and the Western administration have declared that the entire month of September will be a month of Homecoming. The month-long festivities will begin after O-Week and will continue until the original homecoming date of Sept. 30, 2017.

By increasing the number of Homecoming dates, the Western administration hopes to decrease the number of unsanctioned parties on Broughdale Avenue and plans to offer a wet O-Week to first-year students.

Each weekend the University will be providing an unlimited supply of Budweiser to students on campus as incentive for students to not party on Broughdale.

The USC will also be bringing their hot air balloon ride back with a twist they plan to call “Fly This Hot Air Balloon Drunk.”

As a result of these festivities, Reunion Weekend will be pushed to the end of October, where the Western

administration moved the student Homecoming to last year.

The University is hoping that by spreading the one weekend of Homecoming festivities over an entire month they will be able to improve on their ranking on Playboy magazine’s list of top party schools. Currently placed at fourth in North America, the administration hopes to rise to the very top. They hope to increase the attendance of non-Western students at Homecoming and are expecting some students to transfer to Western.

Upon hearing the news of a month-long Homecoming, frat boy Jack Daniels said “Making Homecoming an entire month is the best thing that could have happened to me. Psi Phi Pi will be throwing some lit parties all month long.”

In a press release from the University, media relations officer Alexander Keith said, “Moving Homecoming is the only way that we can encourage students to safely

figure out their alcohol tolerance, and we will be turning the Mustang Lounge into an on-campus ‘drunk tank.’”

One of the activities that has already been approved for Homecoming 2017 comes from a student group called “Freedom to Party” and they plan to invite Pitbull to give a keynote speech on world drinking traditions.

The University also plans to hire a stripper for every residence after the success of the infamous “Saugeen stripper.”

Broughdale resident and teaching assistant, Stella Artois, who still expects Mustangs to stay loyal to their Broughdale tradition, stated that she will be subletting her basement to students who are not from Western who plan on attending the month-long Homecoming activities, and many students are expected to follow suit.

"Basically what Western has done is started a monthlong boozefest on Broughdale,” Artois said. “But it helps me make some money on the side.”

The Western Alternative

SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2017 • 9

MUSTANGS PROPAGANDA DIRECTOR

“OUTRAGED” OVER VOLLEYBALL

SUCCESS

BY KOOKY COULTER Western propaganda director, Tony von Richter, announced that he was disappointed with the women’s volleyball team after they managed to make it to the U Sports national championship.

“I was hoping that they would do me a solid and lose their quarterfinal,” said von Richter. “All the other teams wrapped up their season nice and early, but not volleyball.”

As sport information director (SID), von Richter has to cover all 46 varsity teams and clubs, providing game recaps and press releases. It’s a tough job having to actually go and watch Canadian university sports, and a thankless one with little to no vacation time.

“Football is the big one, its

full-year coverage 24/7,” said Sam Baller, a third-year student who works in the sport information office.

“Football as well as table tennis are two sports that keep him busy year round.”

Von Richter was hoping that he could take an early vacation this year after a stressful and busy championship banner season last year. He had made plans to go to Florida, where he had arranged to watch the Jays grapevine league and maybe do a little golfing.

Unfortunately for von Richter, the volleyball team managed to extend their season to the very last possible day, playing in the fifth place game against Dalhousie on the last day of the national tournament.

TONY VON RICHTER

announcement of the 2017 football recruiting class, signalling the start of football season. He was spotted at the Great Wolf Lodge, relaxing poolside and attempting to get his tan on in the indoor water park.

“If I could go anywhere in the world for a vacation, I think I would go to North Battleford, Saskatchewan,” said von Richter. “They have such a great culture out there, and the lack of running water adds a rustic feel to the

“Yeah, honestly, after a certain point we were only in it to win it to piss Tony off,” said third-year outside hitter Sally Spiker. “We had a big poster of him to motivate us to win at nationals just to spite him.”

Von Richter was last seen solemnly packing away his extensive collection of floral Hawaiian shirts, most of which have never been worn.

“I’m proud of the school, and I love having a great sports program here, but for once I’d like to be able to go away for spring break,” said von Richter. “Maybe Algoma has an opening for me and I’ll finally be able to take an early vacation.”

Von Richter had a narrow three-day gap between the end of the volleyball season and the

UNABLE TO ENJOY HOLIDAY BEFORE START OF FOOTBALL SEASON

Leaving Weldon Library Apr. 4th–30 th r.

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Sarnia Rd.

Farrah Rd.

Talbot St.

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Oxford St.

Oxford St.

Wharncliffe Rd. N

(West of Campus)

University Dr.

12:30am • 1:00am • 1:30am • 2:00am 2:30am • 3:00am • 3:30am • 4:00am THE HOURS OF SERVICE AS FOLLOWS: April 4-15, from 12:30am to 4:00am April 16-30, from 12:30am to 2:00am

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PICK UP TIMES AT OXFORD DRIVE

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Adelaide St.

Windermere Rd.

Waterloo St.

Richmond St.

Western Rd.

Huron St. Regent St.

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A late night Shuttle Service is being provided by the USC offering students a safe way to get home.

Starting April 4 to April 30, Robert Q Shuttle Busses will be departing from Oxford Drive (in front of the UCC Building.)

The Western Alternative CANADIAN UNIVERSITY ATHLETIC GOVERNING BODY PROMOTES INCLUSIVITY WITH NAME CHANGE

10 • SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2017

S T R O P S O T U S D N A R B E !

R S T R O P S E W

BY RAVING MADDOW Just months after rebranding from Canadian Interuniversity Sport (CIS) to U Sports, the country’s governing body for intercollegiate athletics has announced another upcoming change.

In order to promote inclusivity in athletics, the organization plans to change its name to WE SPORTS!, and will be instituting several major changes for next season.

WE SPORTS! plans to host all future championships at a neutral site, breaking ground on a 50-acre complex in Saskatchewan to be known as the WE SPORTS! Resort.

Previously limited to Ontario University Athletics (OUA), Western Mustangs teams will now be able to compete on the national stage in baseball, tennis and golf.

The organization will also be establishing a boxing competition, requiring that provincial federations follow suit.

“We wanted to include some sports that the whole family can enjoy,” said a WE SPORTS! spokesperson. “We strongly believe that this new direction will promote fitness for everyone.”

Part of the organization’s new mandate is to promote casual athleticism and sports that can be enjoyed either standing up or sitting on the couch.

The new additions bring the total number of sports included in the WE SPORTS! circuit to 16.

The CIS announced its change to U Sports on Oct. 20, 2016, citing a need to adapt their brand for a

rapidly evolving digital world.

However, five months into the U Sports revolution, the organization has decided to take their rebrand a step farther by pluralizing their brand.

“Rounded letters don’t catch your attention,” explained Jordan Bodden, the Western Alternative design expert. “It’s all about sharp edges now, so that’s why I think they’d make it WE.” WE SPORTS! reportedly hired an international consulting firm to help with the transition, intending to expand their reach across the globe.

A representative from WE SPORTS! also indicated the organization’s interest in expanding into the burgeoning eSports

Pre Spring 2017

Post Spring 2017

EQUINE EXPOSURE!

BY WOLF BILZERIAN

O

ne of the longstanding traditions of Western Mustangs football games has turned out to be a hoax.

A lengthy Western Alternative investigation has revealed that Prince, the beloved palomino that rounds the field after Western touchdowns, is actually just two dudes in a suit.

“To be honest, I can’t believe people thought it was a real horse,” said the front half. “I thought it was obvious.”

Over the years, the “horse” has become a beloved mascot for the football team, and has long made a strong first impression on new students during O-Week. The guys in the costume have given a great deal of sweat

and blood for the sake of galloping around after every Mustangs touchdown.

The two student volunteers currently tasked with being the horse, who requested to remain anonymous, were selected for the prestigious honour by the University’s president. The job has been awarded to a pair of students at a closed-doors meeting every year since 1906.

“It’s a pretty sweet gig,” admitted the back half. “We’re completely tanked the whole time, and people think it’s hilarious when I shit on the track. They run behind me with a shovel.”

It’s not all fun and games, though, particularly at the first few

SPORTS

E

CELEBRATED MUSTANG AT FOOTBALL GAMES REVEALED TO BE TWO GUYS IN A HORSE SUIT

games of the year while the weather’s still warm.

“It’s really hot in there,” said front half.

“Sometimes I have to cheer against Western because I don’t want them to score.”

Both members of the horse team are quick to thank their handler, Sarah Parker, who supplies them with a water bowl to drink from under the stands between laps of the track.

The Prince costume, which has been handed down through generations of Western football mascots, is approximately two metres long and measures 16 hands in height.

“It’s a bit of a squeeze to get us both in there,” said the

h o r s e ’s legs.

“It makes syncing up our strides

pretty tricky.”

No horse team has ever had a serious accident, though. In countless years of Western football games, fans in the stadium have never seen the face of either member.

The Western Alternative estimates that most of the dozens of students who have attended football games over the years have fell victim to this hoax. However, Western Athletics is hopeful that current students won’t divulge their secret to first years at O-Week 2017.

The Western Alternative

SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2017 • 11

GROUND SWALLOWS IVEY BUILDING

BY MILO TRASH Hundreds of green Ivey sweaters were swallowed up by a sinkhole, consuming the Richard Ivey building the morning of March 26. Business students were observed weeping inconsolably on the sidelines, watching their status symbol sink beneath their leather-loafer-clad feet.

Having recently won two awards at the Ontario Association of Architects in June, the collapse of the Ivey building is a slap in the face.

First-year AEO student, Sue Susan, is particularly concerned with what this means for her future.

“I’m pre-Ivey, so I’m really upset that I won’t be able to study in the space and network,” she says.

Fourth-year Ivey student, Harry Cane, complains that considering such high tuition costs, he doesn’t have somewhere more visually appealing to study. Cane and his classmates are left to study in Weldon with all the other Western students.

While Ivey students grieve the passing of their bragging rights of a

building, the rest of campus is indifferent to the loss.

Scott Land, fourth-year engineer student, shrugs off the accident as shoddy engineering.

“The building was literally built in a ditch on the side of the road,” he says. “The foundation of the Ivey building has been sinking for years now. It’s kind of been the joke among engineering students.”

According to reports by Campus Police, there is merit to Land’s claim.

The $110 million-dollar building put so many of its funds into interior design, there wasn’t enough left to create an adequate foundation on such marsh-like land.

“We thought that with such pretty windows and courtyards to put on the recruitment brochures, no one would notice or question what issues lied beneath,” admits architect Steve Shavem.

When asked about Shavem’s recent work on the new FIMS and Nursing building, he refused to offer

GET YOUR SHIT DONE! YOUR PARENTS ARE COMING!

To place your classifed ad, please contact us at 519-661-3579 or adoffice@uwo.ca

BY OLD SPICER Western administration has proposed introducing parent-professor interviews to all courses at Western for the 2017-18 school year.

Many students have spoken out against this proposal, including first-year political science student Jason Jones. He said that it will cause harm to students who skip class regularly.

“When students come to university, they gain independence. They should be allowed to skip classes freely without fear of backlash from parents,” he said.

Western administration implemented this plan in response to the rising number of parents of first-year students calling professors regarding their child’s progress in their classes.

Olga Janet, vice-provost academics said because the endless phone calls from parents are impossible to deal with, introducing parent-professor interviews is the most efficient way to deal with these concerns.

Kelly Simpson, parent of first-year biology student Sally Simpson, is ecstatic about this proposal.

“It can be hard to find out

how my daughter is doing away from home when she doesn’t respond to my texts or calls,” she said.

Since the announcement of this proposal, class attendance of all first-year classes has gone through the roof.

First-year psychology professor Ivanka Frump was in awe when her class at 7 p.m. in North Campus Building was packed.

Students have started to participate more in lectures to ensure a positive review in anticipation of the possible parent-professor interviews.

“I’ve never seen this level of engagement from my class in my 25 years of teaching at this school,” she said.

Scott Sanderson, social psychology professor, said that this increase in participation has become overwhelming.

“Now that students are concerned about their participation, I can barely get through lecture because of the number of students asking questions. Students coming to my office hours are lined up down the hall,” he said.

Whether or not administration will follow through with the proposal will be

theGazette

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UPCOMING EVENTS

Dance Steps DANCE CLASSES Ballet, Jazz, Hip-Hop Drop in or join a session.

PUT YOUR SUDOKU SAVVY TO THE TEST! To solve a sudoku, the numbers 1 through 9 must fill each row, column and box. Each number can appear only once in each row, column and box. You can figure out the order in which the numbers will appear by using the numeric clues already provided in the boxes.

For solution, turn to page 3

519-645-8515 www.dancestepslondon.ca dance_steps@hotmail.com 275 Colborne St.

Between York and Horton. Accessible by bus.

The Spring Pottery Sale will be held Mother’s Day weekend at the Thames Valley District School Board Education Centre.

Saturday, May 13, 2017 from 10:00am-6:00pm Sunday, May 14, 2017 from 10:00am-4:00pm 1250 Dundas St. London, ON (Thames Valley District School Board Education Centre) The London Potters Guild mission is to be the leader in the education and promotion of the clay arts in Southwestern Ontario. We provide highquality programming, nurture the development of professional clay artists, collaborate with other community organizations and encourage fellowship in an inclusive and accessible facility.

SERVICES THE PAPER EDITING SERVICE

Professional proofreading and editing that will raise your grade on term papers and assignments this semester. Special rates for Canadian students. Free samples available. www.paperediting.org

The Western Alternative

12 • SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2017

CROSSWORD BY EUGENE SHEFFER

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