Tuesday, March 27, 2018 - Spoof

THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018 | VOLUME 111, ISSUE 25

WESTERN

GEOGRAPHIC

THE UNTOLD STORY OF RICK MCGHIE

INSIDE HIS 1,000-YEAR-OLD REIGN Mustang runs loose on campus Janice Deakin reveals she's Jamie Lee Curtis Western changes motto to 'Wuck Fueens' Pea Seedy & Paige Turner | WESTERN GEOGRAPHIC

BY WEEABOO NO OU-SAMA

PHOTOGRAPH BY TWINK SOTA

“Narcissism is not an attractive trait,” says Richard Joseph, the man with the signed and framed photo of himself.

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referring to go by RJo to mimic his idol, JLo, Richard is a Western University student studying the Sarcastic Advances of Sleezeballism and Hypocriticism, commonly known as SASAH. Honing his art at the Western Geographic, RJo is one of the humblest people at Western. Though he leads the Geographic’s opinions section with an entire one-person team, he only displays his five writing awards to motivate his colleagues. He also firmly believes, “If Kanye can do it, I can do it better.”

He can be found in the Geographic’s office two hours a day out of his eighthour work day. In the office, if he’s not drinking and he’s not insulting others, he is sure to be coiffing his hair.

And if you miss him in the office, which will happen often, he encourages you to read the Geographic, “My face is just all over the Geographic because I am the Geographic.”

Jealous of his success, other Geographic editors note that “Talking to him is like eating McDonald’s. You enjoy the moment for a bit until you realize how unhealthy he is for you.”

Known best for his hatred of puppies, the Facebook community loves RJo. Showing much love on his articles, he receives praises in the comments section: “Pompous garbage article, written by a self-righteous elitist.”

“Damn, who peed in your Cheerios?”

“Who hurt you?”

“Are you getting paid per adjective?”

“The reason men need their own credible space is specifically because of the ill-informed opinions and attitudes of people like Richard Joseph.”

“Clickbait garbage.”

“Every time I see this dude’s face on my feed, I know for a fact he’s butthurt about something lmao manz not hot.”

With his many accomplishments despite his ever-so-busy schedule, Richard Joseph is the Geographic’s student of the year.

APRIL 1995: SAUGEEN GRAFFITI ‘FUCK THE GAZETTE’

BY NICK SOKIC

All articles, letters, photographs, graphics, illustrations and cartoons published in The Gazette, both in the newspaper and online versions, are the property of The Gazette. By submitting any such material to The Gazette for publication, you grant to The Gazette a non-exclusive, world-wide, royalty-free, irrevocable license to publish such material in perpetuity in any media, including but not limited to, The Gazette‘s hard copy and online archives.

The Gazette is owned and published by the University Students’ Council.

While The Western Gazette has its fair share of critics today, the critics were perhaps more vocal in days gone by. Back in April 1995, Saugeen-Maitland Hall held a Mayday Retro Mayhem Pub event in the parking lot. The aftermath led to an angry student spraying graffiti reading, “THE ZOO STILL. FUCK THE GAZETTE.” The University Students’ Council vice-president of student affairs at the time, Mike Hickinbotham, organized the pub night. 900 hundred people attended, and including the graffiti, the university police department reported three fights, a liquor violation and an arrest for trespassing.

Assistant director of housing-residence life, Louise Tamblyn, wouldn’t rule out the possibility that the student graffiti was connected to an Gazette article about Saugeen’s 25th anniversary, in which the paper reflected on the Zoo’s calmer reputation.

“Students are very pissed off about it,” said Jerry Toporski, the president of Saugeen-Maitland’s residence council.

As the Gazette reported in more recent years, Saugeen is even more calm today than in the ‘90s. Rest in peace the zoo.

WESTERN CHANGES MOTTO TO ‘QUCK FUEENS’

BY ROAST MALONE GRAPHIC BY PEA SEEDY

After 140 years, Western University is swapping out it’s motto Veritas et Utilitas” (Truth and Usefulness) for a new one: “Quck Fueens,” the Latin phrase for “Better than Queen’s.”

Last Friday, 25,000 students and 500 faculty members voted on the fate of Western’s motto. There were multiple options for the school’s rebranding, including: “Definitely Not a Party School,” “Jordan Peterson-Free Zone” and “Literally Just a Big Ole’ Frat.” Even then, “Quck Fueens” won over 60 per cent of voters.

The phrase “Quck Fueens” arises from a long-standing rivalry between Western and Queen’s University. While reasons vary from person to person, Western students seem to just really fucking hate Queen’s.

“Queen’s is just really pretentious,” said Chad Smith, a third-year Ivey student wearing a frat-branded polo shirt and smoking an electronic cigarette. “I’m glad we finally have a motto that reflects that.”

Julie Simpson, a first-year engineering student who also voted for the change, said she hates Queen’s because of their ivory-tower status.

“I mean, Queen’s is just so elitist,” Simpson yelled. “I know this girl who had really solid grades in high school and was student council president, and she still didn’t get into any of the programs she applied to there.”

Simpson started crying moments after the interview, whispering “fuck Queen’s” as she sobbed into her Class of ’17 student council sweater.

The rivalry between the two universities stems back to 1894, when Queen’s and Western went head-to-head in varsity football for the first time. The game took place on Western’s home turf and was cut short when a flock of geese attacked the visiting team, severely injuring many of the players. Believing that the geese were serving Western’s agenda, Queen’s vowed to get revenge.

It is rumoured that years after that fateful football game, Western’s founder whispered “fuck Queen’s” on his deathbed, solidifying the rivalry with his dying words.

As stated, “Quck Fueens” will be replacing Western’s previous motto, Veritas et Utilitas (Truth and Usefulness).

President Amit Chakma explained that the old motto was outdated and didn’t ring true for the university anymore.

The change will officially be enacted on April 20 when flags with Western’s new motto will be hoisted on every flagpole on campus. It will be celebrated with a party in the University Community Centre, where students and faculty will join together in a uniting chant: “Quck Fueens.”

“I’ve enjoyed my time here at Western, but I want to return to my life in Hollywood,” Deakin/Curtis said in an exclusive interview to the Western Geographic. “Among my greatest accomplishments in life are my Golden Globe nomination, my role in Scream Queens and moving Homecoming to October.”

Western Provost Janice Deakin comes out as Jamie Lee Curtis

BY RIRI MACGYVER PHOTOGRAPH BY TWINK SOTA In a shocking turn of events, Provost Janice Deakin has revealed herself to be critically acclaimed Hollywood superstar Jamie Lee Curtis, star of Halloween, Freaky Friday and Beverley Hills Chihuahua.

“I’m tired of living a lie,” writes Deakin in a press release. “I’m ready for the world to know that I am, in fact, Jamie Lee Curtis.”

Deakin was born to actors Janet Leigh and Tony Curtis in 1958. By the late 1970s, she became one of Hollywood’s biggest stars, notable for her work in slasher horror films, like Halloween III: Season of the Witch.

But following the 2003 blockbuster smash hit Freaky Friday with Teen Choice award-winning actress Lindsay Lohan, her career stagnated.

Tired of the travails of Hollywood life, Curtis disappeared from the silver screen and transitioned into a much more lucrative career in university administration.

“She was sick of people not taking her seriously. She wanted to give back to the world, especially to young people,” says Lulu Jones, a childhood friend of Deakin/Curtis.

After forging her records and undergoing some plastic surgery, she began her career as Western University’s provost in 2010.

But the plastic surgery and name change weren’t enough.

Rumours quickly began to swirl that she was related to Curtis.

University president Amit Chakma admits that he never noticed. “In retrospect, it seems so obvious,” he says. “Like Clark Kent taking off his glasses.”

Inspired by her work as a university administrator, Deakin took the role of Dean Munsch in Scream Queens co-starring another Hollywood legend, Emma Roberts. With the help of her plastic surgeon, Dr. Simon Ourian (that’s right, the Kardashian’s surgeon) she switched between being Deakin and Curtis.

But after nearly a decade at Western, Deakin is ready to return to her life as Curtis.

“I’ve enjoyed my time here at Western, but I want to return to my life in Hollywood,” Deakin/Curtis said in an exclusive interview with the Western Geographic. “Among my greatest accomplishments in life are my Golden Globe nomination, my role in Scream Queens and moving Homecoming to October.”

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“I’m tired of living a lie,” writes Deakin in a press release. “I’m ready for the world to know that I am, in fact, Jamie Lee Curtis.”

Saugeen to become retirement home

BY EMMA ROIDS PHOTOGRAPH BY POTTY PORTER GRAPHIC BY HUBERT J. FARNSWORTH

T

his summer, Saugeen-Maitland Hall, formerly known as “The Zoo,” will be undergoing renovations to become a retirement home for the local London community.

Western University administration went through an arduous process in selecting Saugeen as the successful candidate for the new retirement home. After monitoring student activity, Western determined that Saugeen and the surrounding area were quiet enough for peaceful retirement.

“It’s in the most perfect location,” insisted Amit Chakma, university president. “The community will hardly notice any difference.”

According to London Police Service, noise reports from the Saugeen residence have been drastically declining since the 1990s. This school year, LPS is happy to report they have received an unprecedented zero noise complaints from the once popular residence.

Brandi Nelville, a first-year social science student who currently lives at Saugeen, expressed disappointment with the party scene.

“We’ve only had one party this year, and it wasn’t lit,” said Nelville. “Basically no one showed up. It was completely dead.”

Nelville admitted that she chose to live in Saugeen because of its party reputation.

“If I had known how not lit it actually is here, I would’ve chosen a different residence, like [Medway-Sydenham] or Perth Hall,” said Nelville. “I go there for parties now.”

A group of elderly London residents have already signed up for the Saugeen retirement home.

Philip Knight, an 81-year-old Western alum who lived in Saugeen during his first year in the 1960s, said that he is thrilled with the idea of living in his old home.

“I am sure we can liven up the place, no problem!” exclaimed Knight while excitedly pumping his walking cane in the air. “It will be just like old times!”

CROSSWORD SOLUTION Solution to puzzle on page 11

STUDENTS PROTEST SMOKING BAN

BY LIGHTING UP OUTSIDE WELDON

BY ANTONIO LORENZO PHOTOGRAPH BY MAX MAYONNAISE

There’s nothing more satisfying than the sweet taste of tar and ammonia after a long night of studying at the library.

That’s why Western University smokers are enraged about the school-wide smoking ban that is set to take place next year.

“Let’s clear the air, my ass,” said Josh Wooly, fourth-year floral management student. “We’ve been oppressed by a school that promotes intolerance and persecution against the act of hacking a dart.”

Wooly and other smokers have spearheaded “Torches of Freedom,” a protest movement that advocates against the ban, stating that it’s a violation of human rights. The group plans on meeting up outside of D.B. Weldon Library every 10 minutes to hack darts in symphony in an attempt to repeal the ban.

Wooly hopes to piss off students, faculty and administrative staff by blowing smoke at anyone entering the front doors of Weldon and by coughing on those who give a snark look or who attempt to retaliate.

According to the school advisory committee, Western wants to provide a healthy and clean environment for its community, and smoking doesn’t contribute positively to that, but how else are students supposed to de-stress?

Wooly believes that smoking has played a central role in his ability to make friends, and to him, looking cool far outweighs the negative health effects that lighting up may cause. Without a dart in hand, Wooly wouldn’t feel confident enough to constantly talk over others during study breaks, at parties or just about anywhere else douchebaggery occurs.

“Within milliseconds of the first drag, endorphins are released in the brain’s societal-rebellion centres,” says literal sciences professor Marl Boro,.

According to Boro, the water fountains and cafeteria food at Western are already contaminated, so there is no reason to preserve the fresh air.

Wooly believes that this is just the start of “Torches of Freedom.” Once the group repeals the smoking ban, they plan to get ratified by the University Students’ Council to create a space for smokers to bask in the glory of tobacco.

BY BARTHOLOMEW MCPOYLE PHOTO BY LEE YAM GRAPHIC BY HUBERT J. FARNSWORTH An unusually lengthy University Students’ Council meeting was marked by the birth, life and death of area man Robert Walpole, who grew to a ripe old age in council chambers.

The meeting, which was described as “unprecedentedly boring,” spanned 84 years and accomplished nothing of note.

Nevertheless, Walpole managed to live a rich and fulfilling life through it all.

“He always brightened my day,” says Sophie Burton, social science councillor. “He was always there, always cheery, even though he didn’t have speaking rights.”

Walpole was born early in the meeting, during a motion to amend an amendment to a previous amendment.

“At first, we thought having a wailing, petulant child in council would be disruptive,” Burton recalls, “But actually, he fit in pretty well.”

Friends and family fondly recall how Walpole grew into a “strapping young lad” during the legislative calendar changes, though they can’t recall much else about it. Every night, Walpole was lulled to sleep by the officious droning of student representatives.

“The thing about Robby was that he stuck to it,” said Chris Wozniak, vice-vice-president of the student operations subcommittee. “We’ve had kids born during council meetings before, but they usually leave before it’s over, like the 15th year or so.

But he was here until the very end. That’s real dedication, if you ask me.”

Walpole met his wife during the tumultuous shift in the meeting from “Old Business” to “New Business,” a heady era marred by change and uncertainty. They had a modest marriage ceremony at the back of council chambers while the governance and finance standing committee presented the first of many expense reports.

Together, Walpole and his wife had two children and started an independent organic bakery by the chamber doors, where his sons still work to this day.

“Dad was a local legend,” says Chris Walpole, the older son.

“Like, really local. As in literally just in this room. He really felt at home here, you know?”

In memory of Walpole, the USC is introducing a motion to fund a scholarship in his name. Once the proposal has been rejected, affirmed, repealed, amended, translated into ancient Hebrew, twisted and bopped — and once speaker rights, by-law reviews and council composition has been dealt with — we may see the scholarship take effect as early as 2084.

Man born, dies during USC meeting

“At first, we thought having a wailing, petulant child in council would be disruptive, but actually, he fit in pretty well.”

GEESE GET REPRESENTATION AT THE USC

BY CURTIS COWALSKI PHOTO BY LEE YAM GRAPHIC BY HUBERT J. FARNSWORTH A majority vote was reached at last night’s University Students’ Council meeting to give Western University’s geese representation on the USC. One goose has been elected as councillor to represent Western’s geese-at-large. The USC will also be initiating a geese advocacy group and working committee to improve conditions on campus for geese.

“The goal is for Western’s geese to feel like a part of our community. We are looking to implement goose access to various buildings on campus, starting with Talbot College and the University Community Centre,” said incoming USC president, Mitchell Pratt.

Currently, geese rights are limited on campus.

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Geese are only permitted on outdoor campus locations like University College Hill and are not permitted inside any campus buildings. They also do not have proper access to sanitary disposal locations and cafeterias.

Western’s geese have been advocating for their rights since 1880, although not always holding peaceful protests: last year a goose attacked a student on campus and deliberately pooped on University College Hill, sparking backlash from students.

“We did what we had to do. If poop and goose attacks get people to listen, then that’s just what we’ll do,” Will Gosling, elected USC goose councillor said.

Gosling notes that his mission as USC’s goose councillor will be to make geese feel included in the community in all aspects.

“As a fourth-year Western goose myself, I’ve been

here long enough to see the unfair treatment from Western’s students and faculty members. They make us geese feel like we’re animals, but as we all know, we are so much more than that,” Gosling said.

One Western goose also expressed his thoughts on geese representation at the USC. “It’s about fricken time. We’ve advocated for our rights for long enough. We fly south every winter because there’s nowhere safe here for us to stay. We’re just as much a part of the Western community as students,” Flynn Goosey said, a third-year Western goose.

With new geese representation at Western, the USC is now working on a motion to give campus squirrels representation.

Interviews were conducted with the help of a goose language translator.

William the Conqueror, 1066

Henry VIII of England, 1535

Jacques-Louis David, 1794

McGhie’s earliest known appearance is in the 12th century as well-known historical figure, William the Conqueror. Known as an experienced and ruthless military commander, McGhie never took his empire too seriously. Between battles, invasions and conquests, McGhie made time to play the lute for students at the medieval University of Oxford.

The next time we see McGhie, he’s ascended the throne of England. At this point, experts theorize the immortal was going through a rebellious stage. Fling after fling lead to six wives — two divorced, two beheaded, one died and one survived. More importantly, McGhie further developed his musical tastes, collecting close to 80 flutes.

McGhie continued to get in touch with his inner artist as neoclassical painter, Jacques-Louis David. An active supporter of the French Revolution, McGhie painted some shit, mostly for Napoleon. He took on more students than any other French painter in the early 19th century.

Afterwards, McGhie decided he would stick to music.

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WESTERN GEOGRAPHIC • THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

The Untold Story of Rick McGhie

BY ZELDA O’HARA PHOTOGRAPH BY MAX MAYONNAISE LONDON, CANADA — The Western Geographic reports evidence that Western University legend Rick McGhie is a different type of mythic figure: he’s a 1,000-year-old immortal.

While you may know Rick from Wednesday nights at The Spoke, history tells a different tale.

In a year-long investigation, the Western Geographic has uncovered photographic evidence dating back to 1066 CE. While McGhie passes himself off as a spry 68-year-old, academics know of him by other names — William the Conqueror, Henry VIII of England and a former beau of Marilyn Monroe.

“McGhie is clever,” said Western anthropology professor Morty Goldstein. “He knows students will fall into a drunken stupor at The Spoke. Nobody asks questions beyond ‘who’s buying the next pitcher?’ ” Indeed, the soft strum of McGhie’s guitar as he croons “A long, long time ago…” has new meaning. Over the course of the last 12 months, the Western Geographic has worked tirelessly to determine the source of McGhie’s longevity. The investigation took a team of reporters, researchers and archeologists to the far corners of the world, from the fifth floor of The D.B. Weldon Library to a Benedictine monastery in France.

Turns out, the answer was in Weldon Library.

Throughout history, McGhie has disguised himself using ancient magic. Reports stating the performer “casts a spell on his audience” are true. Lulling his audience into a trance, the virtuoso absorbs students’ youthful energy. Each performance gives him another seven days.

“We uncovered the spell in Wicca and Witchcraft for Dummies,” said Goldstein. “He’s been doing this for 1,000 years. William the Conqueror was known to be a skilled lute player. Now we

know why,” Goldstein added with the shit-eating grin reserved for academics in the spotlight.

Photos and portraiture from over the centuries reveal that McGhie reinvents himself approximately every 75 years. Evidence puts McGhie in the streets of the French Revolution, the trenches of the Second World War and in the shadow of University College since 1970.

McGhie would neither confirm nor deny the allegations.

When reporters approached McGhie for comment, he refused to speak beyond crooning the lyrics of classic rock songs. “‘Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane. Don’t know when I’ll be back again,” McGhie sung. “Oh babe, I hate to go.”

Goldstein estimates students only have a few more years with McGhie before he assumes a new identity. When the Western Geographic asked McGhie what’s next, he tossed his head back and gave reporters a smoldering duck face.

Experts agree his meaning is clear: the next time we see McGhie, he’ll be sipping cupcake wine at Coachella with Kylie Jenner.

“Ob la di, ob-la-da,” said McGhie, with a shrug and a twinkle in his eye.

With McGhie eventually out of the picture, rumour has it many other artists are vying for his place in the hearts of the Western community. Options include an Instapoet, a SoundCloud rapper or a YouTuber who specializes in lyric videos.

“Fuck that,” said second-year economics student Lynn Crawford. Despite how much she thinks Rupi Kaur is, like, really insightful, Crawford said Wednesday nights are for Rick. Period.

So until McGhie moves on, it’s up to students to keep him going. And we can all feel a little less guilty about how drained we feel the morning after Rick McGhie night.

Private John Smith, 1942

Jerry Bolanos, 1962

Rick McGhie, 2018

Next, McGhie appears in Texas during the Second World War. He joined the United Service Organizations, performing live entertainment for troops on the front lines.

During this time, McGhie developed a love for hats. Years later, he swapped the cowboy hat for a baseball cap.

Rick McGhie had a hot date in 1962 to the Golden Globes with Marilyn Monroe. Keeping a low profile during these years, McGhie was best-known as a screenwriter and director in Hollywood. When not galvanizing with Monroe, he performed at jazz bars in Hollywood.

But we know they don’t hold a candle to The Spoke.

Much has been said and written about Rick McGhie, beloved crooner and Western University fixture. A staple on campus since 1970, he’s left his mark on generation after generation of students. After all his years wandering the Earth, this immortal has truly found a place to call home — for now.

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GRAPHICS BY PAIGE TURNER AND PEA SEEDY

Mustangs athletics announces 2018–19 lockout

BY ALEX JONES JR.

PHOTOGRAPH BY LUCY LOU WHO

IN A STUNNING TURN OF EVENTS, nearly all Mustangs varsity sports programs have announced a lockout for the 2018–19 season due to what men’s softball coach Greg Bule describes as a “stunning and frankly unacceptable lack of fan interest.”

The lockout comes as a response to the shocking Chuck Clarke Report, which revealed a devastating decline in attendance and ticket sales in the 2017–18 season.

Bule, who organized the lockout and a series of marches that will be held throughout next season, was appalled at the report.

“Well, the name says it all,” said Bule, the chief organizer of what has been officially dubbed the Care About Our Sports March. “We really need people to care about our sports for us to experience self-worth.”

Among the demands of the striking athletes and coaches is mandatory attendance by all Western University undergraduate students at all varsity sports games throughout the year, as well as a forced quota of 16 pages per issue of the Western Geographic dedicated to non-football varsity sports teams.

A number of athletes have worked alongside Bule to spearhead the lockout. Among them is Penny Nickelberry, captain of the women’s lacrosse team and third-year sociology major.

“A lot of my friends told me I should’ve played a sport that people actually care about, but I didn’t listen to them,” said Nickelberry. “We all know it’s our national sport, and the National Lacrosse League is booming right now.”

However, while many athletes on campus are dedicated to forcing their fellow students to pretend to care about their sports, there has been a considerable amount of backlash to the planned lockout.

“In reality, there’s literally no reason for us to have more than one varsity sport [football] at this school,” said Mustangs’ associate athletic director Don Dickells. “I’ve worked here for 15 years, and I’m just now hearing that we have a men’s softball team.”

As for the response from Western students, the reactions have been mixed. A number of students are disappointed that they can’t use Mustangs hockey games at Thompson Arena for midterm studying.

Others are upset that their boyfriends and girlfriends have to play in front of sparse crowds.

And yet others, like fifth-year general studies major Steve Steveopolous, were unaware that varsity sports existed at Western.

“I’m unsure of who that is,” said a confused Steveopolous when asked whether he would be negatively affected by the absence of Mustangs’ sports next year.

The lockout is forcing U Sports to change their schedules for next season, while Mustangs athletics has announced plans to move all athletic funding from programs involved in the lockout to the football program.

“In reality, there’s literally no reason for us to have more than one varsity sport [football] at this school,” said Mustangs’ associate athletic director Don Dickells. “I’ve worked here for 15 years, and I’m just now hearing that we have a men’s softball team.”

MUSTANGS TEAMS APPLY FOR NCAA STATUS

BY HUBERT J. FARNSWORTH Following the success of their 2017–18 seasons, a handful of Western University’s varsity teams have applied for National Collegiate Athletic Association eligibility. Among the teams that are officially too good for Ontario University Athletics and U Sports are the Mustangs football, softball, cheerleading and men’s squash teams.

The Mustangs softball, cheerleading and men’s squash teams have been winning their respective provincial and national championships for decades.

Joining the NCAA would finally expose them to real talent.

The Mustangs’ softball team went 30–1–0 in 2017 and captured the program’s eighth consecutive provincial title and a national gold medal.

“We’re getting pretty tired of winning against amateurs,” said Peter Keylime, head coach of the softball team. “I don’t think we’re actually that good; other teams just make us look good. We want to be challenged.”

In the realm of men’s squash, the sport isn’t currently an NCAA sanctioned sport, but that doesn’t matter for the Mustangs considering they’ve spent the last 35 years hitting a ball against a wall in an empty room and crowning themselves OUA champions.

“We’ve won 35 consecutive provincial titles,” said Sqiwash Bawl, a member of the squash team. “It’s great I guess, but we’d rather start up a league in the [United] States and play against some actual competition than maintain this sham of a dynasty.”

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The outlier among the teams applying for NCAA status is Western’s football team. Despite having a strong year, the program has been average in recent memory, having won only five provincial titles and one national title since the turn of the century. However, their 2018 recruiting class — which is largely comprised of six-foot-five bearded high school students weighing upwards of 250 pounds — gives them reason to be optimistic about the future.

“It’s horseshit,” said the starting quarterback for the Queen’s Gaels, Eli Brady II, pointing to a cluster of horse droppings. “But to answer your question, I’d be scared to play against Western next year. How are we expected to play against grown-ass men? Wuck Festern.”

There is precedent for Canadian university sports teams joining the NCAA. Simon Fraser University in British Columbia joined Division II of the NCAA in 2010. Since joining, the team has gone 14–67, their last win coming in October of 2014.

The Western Mustangs will be better.

“Obviously the NCAA is extremely competitive, and we’ll have to learn the American rules of football,” said Marshall Mathers, head coach of the Mustangs football program. “It’s going to be an uphill battle, and we’ll be boys among men for sure. But we’re up for it.”

To fill the void should these teams move to the NCAA, Western is looking to introduce a number of new clubs and teams. The university is considering miniputt, thumb wrestling, breath-holding, charades and ringette as possible varsity sports.

University administration declined to comment when asked if they were aware Western already has a varsity ringette team.

Deakin email to TAs: ‘Let them eat cake!’

BY JACK OFF PHOTO BY CONRAD CRUNCH GRAPHIC BY PEA SEEDY Negotiations between Western University’s teaching assistants union and the administration were jettisoned after Provost Janice M. Deakin sent a mass email to graduate assistants advising them to eat cake.

The email, sent out at 3:42 a.m., was a departure from the provost’s usual serious communications. Three sources close to the provost said the email was not vetted by “her team” — a group of publicists, who compose all the provost’s emails and tweets, and her niece, who opens Gmail for her.

The unfiltered email is a view into the luxurious life the provost has led since she began making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.

“Once my pigeon delivered the latest demands, I told myself, ‘this is the last straw!’ ” the email begins. “Three times in the last month, the help have caught TAs sleeping in my northwest and southeast tennis courts. They brought them in, and they said they couldn’t even afford bread, so I called

in the chef and said ‘Let them eat cake!’ ” The email contains several other suggestions for how TAs could lift their spirits, including hunting boar, croquet and yacht racing.

Though the provost issued an apology a few hours later, Western’s TA union, Public Service Alliance of Canada Local 610, said they see little hope for future bargaining.

“I know the student body may be surprised, but I’m not,” said a spokesperson. “Deakin wore a mask and gloves for our meetings once she knew we’d be meeting in person. Frankly, I’m worried for the school now that she doesn’t need her niece to open her email.”

The email is the latest in a long series of gaffes that have troubled union-administration bargaining. Many suspected that a strike was inevitable last week after the Provost told Western’s Senate that bananas were “at least” $6 — even more lost hope on Friday when HerCampus secretly filmed the Provost asking for foie gras at The Wave.

In her apology, the provost promised to spend more time connecting with graduate assistants and offered to open up her tennis courts to homeless post-docs two nights a week.

The unfiltered email is a view into the luxurious life the provost has led since she began making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.

MUSTANG RUNS LOOSE ON CAMPUS

BY PETE ZAH PHOTO BY MMM BBBLACKWOOD GRAPHIC BY JIM BAG Gamble, one of the mighty Western University mustangs who is usually seen prancing around at football games, was spotted galloping across campus on March 22, which led the university’s students, faculty and staff on a goose chase to catch the wild beast.

At 10:30 a.m., the steed was seen dashing at full speed without a rider through the football field. According to the horse’s caretakers, after grabbing a mouthful of carrots, the horse suddenly hopped over the fence and followed Western Road towards the university.

Students quickly made their way to campus to do some horse-spotting when they heard one was on the loose. The last time Gamble was seen, the horse was trotting down along University College Hill the next morning toward a herd of geese.

“It’s not everyday you see a horse at your school,” said Kevin Baxter, a third-year engineering student. “It’ll be exciting to get a photo of the horse. It could make me go viral.”

Campus Police said an animal of that size could easily collide with a vehicle and cause serious injuries. They’ve filed a missing horse report and are waiting for more information on its whereabouts.

“This is a serious issue. We don’t want anyone to get hurt. We don’t want the horse to get hurt,” said Officer Boris Chambers from Campus Police. “We’re making it a priority to catch it before something bad happens.”

Chambers said five helicopters are circling to keep an eye out for the mustang, but the police are still unsure how to capture the horse and as a last resort, they plan to tranquilize it.

While most students are feeling excited about this fiasco, authorities and athletes are taking this a lot more seriously.

“What are we going to do when we score a goal and there’s no mustang to do a lap around the field?” asked Zack Turner, the Western Mustangs’ football team’s quarterback.

If any student has information on the horse’s whereabouts, please report it to Campus Police immediately.

9

WESTERN GEOGRAPHIC • THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

BREAKING:

ENGLISH STUDENT HOLDS ENTIRE CLASS HOSTAGE WITH MEANDERING QUESTION

BY BARTHOLOMEW MCPOYLE PHOTO BY MAX MAYONNAISE Somerville House is on lockdown due to an ongoing hostage situation, reports say.

Now 43 minutes into his vague, directionless inquiry about John Milton’s Paradise Lost, reputed windbag James Carmichael shows no signs of letting up though the class has long since ended.

Jasmine O’Reilly, who managed to escape early with a bathroom break, says 18 students are still trapped in the room with Carmichael.

“It was hell,” she says, a haunted look in her eyes. “People started moving around, closing their laptops, putting on their coats, but he just wouldn’t stop talking.”

O’Reilly says the question started with “Isn’t it possible — and correct me if I’m wrong here — but isn’t it possible, considering the vast body of evidence, and despite suggestions to the contrary, that it would not be incorrect to assume, if you’ll bear with me, that Milton — or to use a Foucauldian term, the author —” Here, O’Reilly could not bear to continue.

Friends and family of the hostages and the London Police Service are gathered outside Somerville, where Carmichael’s silhouette can be discerned gesticulating and pacing around the classroom. Around him, students are slumped over and unresponsive — some say the hostages may have already died of boredom.

Preliminary reports suggest that this is not an isolated incident. Carmichael has long been a person of non-interest to the local police. In the past, he has been charged three times for rambling with the intent to bore and twice for aggravated pedantry.

“Once, I asked him how he was doing on the midterm essay,” recalls Dana Brantford, who took Middle English Literature with Carmichael last year. “You know, like the normal thing that everyone asks. He launched into this whole rant about

Chaucer — it was insane. I was sitting there, nodding and smiling, for like 15 minutes.”

Carmichael has yet to make his demands. But according to clinical psychologist and hostage negotiator Ahmed Chaudry, he might not make any at all.

“This isn’t your run-of-the-mill political terrorist,” says Chaudry. “What we’re dealing with here is a stage seven bore.

He’s criminally boring. He’s not interested in money or material gain. He’s just doing this for the pleasure of hearing his own voice.”

Chaudry says Carmichael likely began his query not to get an answer — which, traditionally, is the purpose of a question — but to showcase his own knowledge on the subject.

Interminable blowhards like Carmichael are often subject to such delusions of grandeur.

Some onlookers say the instructor of the course, Professor Barnaby Kellow, is the last hope for the student hostages. Others aren’t so sure.

“Wait, it’s Kellow? Oh, God,” says Chaudry. “He’s a stage 10 bore — he’s made a whole career out of it. I hate to say it, but I don’t think we’re ever seeing those students again.”

“What we’re dealing with here is a stage seven bore.

He’s criminally boring.

He’s not interested in money or material gain. He’s just doing this for the pleasure of hearing his own voice.”

Ivey students embrace Marxism, all decide to live in hippie commune

BY FRED SLEGNE PHOTO BY LEE YAM GRAPHIC BY DWIGHT SCHRUTE In a surprising turn of events, this year’s Ivey honors business administration class of 2018 has decided to embrace Marxist philosophy.

“The free market is an illusion,” the students said at a press conference. “Turns out Marx was actually really onto something.”

The group plans to create a hippie commune somewhere in the forests between London and St. Thomas. Ivey HBA Cup winners, section eight, will lead the community as they 10

WESTERN GEOGRAPHIC • THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

split resources and jobs according to abilities and needs.

The students stated they will work on a combination of the honour system and highly-regulated bartering.

This sudden heel change seems to stem from a widespread epiphany.

“After two years in a $110-million facility and many weeks of exclusive Ivey nights at the Barking Frog, we realized it was all a bit unfair,” one student said. “Just because we studied hard, grew our networking skills and sacrificed a lot of leisure hours to get to where we are doesn’t mean we deserve it.”

With that in mind, they will be staging a demonstration immediately following their graduation ceremony. Upon receiving their diplomas, they will rip off their gowns,

revealing Che Guevara t-shirts, moccasins and camo pants.

“It’s really to show how committed we are to the liberation of the people,” they said. “And also to show any doubters that we truly are in this for the long run.”

The soon-to-be graduates have their critics, however; Ivey professor Richard Kapittle in particular was in a state of disbelief.

“Haven’t they seen Western’s sunshine list? It’s filled with Ivey profs,” said Kapittle. “Clearly we know what we’re doing.

Let the dollar signs speak for themselves.”

Having abolished capitalist measurements such as calendar years, the students estimate the commune will be ready in the sixth lunar cycle.

Western introduces nap break to address sleep deprivation

BY KING KONG PHOTO BY CONRAD CRUNCH

MARCH 26 – APRIL 1 HOROSCOPES

BY THIRD EYE BLIND GRAPHIC BY PEA SEEDY It’s Aries season, bitch! Mercury went into retrograde in the evening of March 22, throwing off communications, work habits and general determination for the next three weeks.

Good luck writing exams with that fate written in the stars.

ARIES (MARCH 20 – APRIL 20)

This is your time to celebrate. Don’t let Mercury being in retrograde slow you down. In fact, use this as an excuse to try something new: abandon your typical Aries nature and go crazy. Hit up Ceeps for a solid birthday.

TAURUS (APRIL 20 – MAY 21)

The planets align for you this week, Taurus. You’ll have a brilliant breakthrough: ideas will run through your mind like the wind, and you’ll feel ecstatic. Then the London Transit Commission will be a half hour late, and by the time you finally reach safety from this cold, brutal spring, the ideas and optimism will be gone.

Sorry, Taurus. Never trust the LTC. GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 21)

As the sign of the twin, you can be a little quick tempered sometimes, but don’t let that temper get the better of you this week when an opinions piece from the Western Geographic gets you heated. Use Mercury in retrograde to explore your calm side: be level headed in this debate before you head to the comments section.

CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 23)

Cancers are known to love the home and family, but in university, that just means you’ve become a homebody.

Honestly, between the gross weather, binge-worthy Netflix originals and tough real-life decisions, I totally understand. Keep doing you, Cancer: don’t leave the house this month.

LEO (JULY 23 – AUG. 23)

Use your attention seeking magic this month, Leo. Seek the attention of that cutie who sits at the front of your lecture hall. Odds are Ivey student Johnny heading to Pi Beta Bi does not want your attention, but this is a week for risk-taking! Give it your all, Leo, and if worse comes to worst, Tinder is still an option.

VIRGO (AUG. 23 – SEPT. 23)

Virgos are ruled by the planet Mercury, making this a trash week for you. Take extra precautions in the coming exam season: set multiple alarms, make sure you drink lots of water and hope for the best.

11

Whatever you do, don’t make any major decisions in this time. You’re bound to regret them.

LIBRA (SEPT. 23 – OCT. 23)

Libra, we know you do everything you can to avoid confrontation, but all the pent up emotions and conflict will come to a burning point this week.

You’ll have to confront your roommates in a heated battle to the death as your ruling planet Venus meets with fiery Pluto. This won’t end well for you.

Charlie Mac slowly opens his eyes and reaches to turn off his alarm. It is 7:15 a.m., two hours since he fell asleep.

The second-year political science student just stares in disbelief of the long day he has ahead of him.

Fast forward to his 2 p.m. philosophy course; he is tired and unmotivated and wants, above anything else, to just close his eyes and to take a soothing nap.

“The professor asked me what was the meaning of life,” said Mac. “I told him that it was sleep and then proceeded give him a demonstration by falling asleep in his class.”

Sleep deprivation is a chronic condition that affects all students at Western University, and its grasp even extends to faculty and staff.

However, fear no more Western! The Senate has heard your concerns. After weeks of violent rioting, a motion was finally carried forward to implement a mandatory nap break for students and staff between 2 and 3 p.m.

“I would like to apologize on behalf of Western for taking so long to listen to student concerns,” said Amit Chakma, president of Western. “It seems that this is

not the first time we have put our interest above the students.’ ” “I am also sorry that this apology did not come out soon enough. I have been busy finding new ways to increase my salary,” Chakma continued.

The weeks of belligerent student protest left the University Students’ Council in a state of chaos.

Outbreaks of fights have totalled a count of four student injuries.

“It was complete horror over there,” said Joe King, one of the injured students. “I look around and all I saw was blood!”

Looking back, the history of student suffrage from sleep deprivation has not been a pleasant one.

Last year, hospitals reported a total of five student deaths due to loss of sleep. Tim Timmyton was one of the beloved students lost.

“Tim was my best friend,” cried George Georgeopolis.

“All he ever wanted to do was sleep, but they never let him!”

Now with a new policy in place, the university hopes to see more students get a good night’s rest.

“The new policy is definitely all about developing student complacency,” said Amit Chakma. “It is all about making students feel like we care about them so they’ll forget September Homecoming.”

SCORPIO (OCT. 23 – NOV. 22)

Fortune is not in your stars this month. But let’s be honest, when is it ever? You’ll run into some unexpected debt when one night out turns into a week. Be wary of spending tons of money at Jack’s this month or else you won’t be able to afford any more Spoke bagels (or rent). On the bright side, your social interactions are off the chart!

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SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 – DEC. 22)

Running late as usual, Sag! Mercury in retrograde is hitting you hard, but beware: as you’re running through the University Community Centre and spilling your Spoke coffee down your jacket, you’ll come into contact with an old flame. Trust me, whatever you choose, it will be a bad choice.

To place your classifed ad, please contact us at 519.661.3579 or adoffice@uwo.ca

EMPLOYMENT

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 – JAN. 20)

Essay season? Who dis? You’ve been slacking, Capricorn, but don’t let it get you down. Those late marks might be coming in hard, but at the end of the day, you’ve got to take care of yourself. Do a face mask, take a long bath and eat some ice cream. That extra five per cent off won’t kill you.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 18)

You’re going to face an obstacle this month, but with a little hard work and perseverance, you’ll get through it!

Whether it’s that essay you’ve been putting off or a goose blocking your path, you’ll learn a lot about yourself. I mean, let’s be real: if it’s going to be a hissing goose, you’ll have to awkwardly hop around on your way to class.

PISCES (FEB. 18 – MARCH 20)

Hey, fishman, it seems like you’ve risen to stardom with the release of the Oscar-winning movie The Shape of Water. Don’t let this new found fame go to your head, Pisces. As a true water sign, get ready for the waterworks! With Mercury in retrograde, you’ll be unable to control your emotions this week so get ready for some public tears — don’t forget the tissues.

WESTERN GEOGRAPHIC • THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

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FOR SALE ACADEMIC GOWN, HOOD and hat for PhD, University College London prior to 1997. Made by Ede and Ravenscroft. Gown size medium, hat 7 3/8. $60.00. Please contact Anne at (519) 657-9458.

PUT YOUR SUDOKU SAVVY TO THE TEST! To solve a sudoku, the numbers 1 through 9 must fill each row, column and box. Each number can appear only once in each row, column and box. You can figure out the order in which the numbers will appear by using the numeric clues already provided in the boxes.

For solution, turn to page 4

www.westerngazette.ca

12 • THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

games

PHOTO OF THE DAY

GAZETTE CROSSWORD

LEE YAM Cut off from her trust fund, fourth-year English student Leann Reeves will do anything to get her fix. Sun, rain or snow, this Western student can’t go a day without her “Starbs” dose: a grande, iced, skinny vanilla latte with soy milk and an extra expresso shot.

WORD SEARCH

RETAIL TODAY CLICK WORD SEARCH CUSTOMER DATA AISLE DEALS ANALYTICS DEMAND ANCHOR DEMOGRAPHIC ASSOCIATE DISTRIBUTOR BEACONS ECOMMERCE BIG BOX FOOT TRAFFIC CATALOG GROCERY CHAIN INVENTORY CHECKOUT LAYAWAY

•

CLUES ACROSS

CLUES DOWN

1. Cereal grain 5. Small constellation 8. Pouch 11. Beef comes in these 13. Chest muscle 14. Maine city 15. Salian 16. Int’l fraternal organization 17. Greek god of war 18. Canadian harbour 20. Firearm 21. Deities 22. North, Central and South 25. After the 16th 30. Used in herbal medicine 31. Whale (Norwegian) 32. Excessive fluid accumulation in tissues 33. Insect appendages 38. Relative biological effectiveness (abbr.)

41. Small Arab monarchy 43. Former U.S. President 45. Short-lived, slender insects 47. Forms after a cut 49. Fuel 50. Made of wood 55. Whale ship captain 56. Small bed 57. Supreme being 59. NY Giants owner 60. Consumed 61. Jewish spiritual leader 62. Promotional materials 63. Business term 64. Famous cartoonist

1. Former CIA 2. Expression of sorrow or pity 3. Rhythmic patter in Indian music 4. Invests in little enterprises 5. Highest point 6. Incomes 7. Poisonous plant 8. Period in astronomy 9. Passed with flying colors 10. Professional certificate 12. Dublin college scholar 14. Heroic tale 19. Satisfy 23. __ student, learns healing 24. Beloved golfer Rodriguez 25. Car mechanics group 26. Not the start 27. Engage in a contest 28. Energy-saving module 29. Within reach 34. Forms adjectives 35. Snitch 36. Data executive 37. Hostelry 39. Helps people see 40. “MASH” actor Gould 41. Bridge building degree 42. Moreover 44. Spoke 45. Volcanic craters 46. Swedish rock group 47. __ Veda: liturgical chant 48. Former footballer Ochocinco 51. Swiss river 52. Klu Klux __ 53. Italian Island 54. Catches 58. Baseball stat

For crossword solution, see page 4

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