TUESDAY, MARCH 26, 2019 VOLUME 112, ISSUE 25
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Volume 112, Issue 25 WWW.WESTERNGAZETTE.CA University Community Centre Rm. 263 Western University London, ON, CANADA N6A 3K7 Editorial 519.661.3580 Advertising 519.661.3579
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF MICHAEL CONLEY @MIKECONLEY4 DEPUTY EDITOR LUCAS SONKE @LUCASSONKE MANAGING EDITOR MIKE DEBOER @UWOGAZETTE NEWS MARTIN ALLEN LIAM AFONSO JUDY BASMAJI KATRINA MCCALLUM CULTURE CARMEN MALLIA KRISTIN LEE EMILY TAYLER SPORTS CHARLIE MARSHALL STEPHANIE ORLANDO OPINIONS GABRIELLE DROLET WESTERN TV COORDINATOR JOSH MERIFIELD WESTERN TV ASSISTANT COORDINATOR LAUREN COLES
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It was a new record for the third-year dance and geographic information studies student, who has attained a legendary status for his frequent run-ins with the London Fire Department.
INTERACTIVE MEDIA NOAH FAINER
“I think it was the switch to ‘spicy beef.’ My last run with ‘jalapeno pork’ only got me 20 minutes. This is a breakthrough for sure,” he told the Gazette, while walking down Saugeen’s 18 flights of stairs.
GRAPHICS SISSI CHEN KYRA KARAKATSANIS
Not everyone was so excited.
COPY KAITLYN LONNEE
“I’m going to break through your eyeball with a chopstick, Kevin,” said a student a couple steps down. Experts around Canada are baffled at Kevin’s marathon microwavings. Engineers swear the machines could not possibly withstand such high temperatures for so long; physicists have asked Kevin to observe the microwave in action, hoping to discover a new subatomic particle.
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Nineteen-year-old Mr. Noodles-fiend Kevin Jevin microwaved a ramen package for a jaw-dropping 23 minutes before Saugeen-Maitland Hall’s ninth-floor microwave combusted and set off the building’s fire alarm.
Kevin said he got into microwaving in October, when he got “extremely high” and watched a bowl of Kraft Dinner spin around through the microwave window for 11 minutes. It took another few minutes to realize that the flames were real and that Saugeen’s “Fire Alarm Fuckboy” had found his calling. “It’s such a crazy story. This whole thing started out as an accident, but now I take it very seriously,” he said. “He’s doing it on purpose?!” another student asked. ■ TICK DICKLER
Western by the Numbers
0 people who attended Mustangs athletics games and events in 2018-19.
REED ING GAZETTE
63,266 AirPods lost and posted about on the Western "Must Knows” Facebook account this year.
58 times USC president Mitchell Pratt related to his fellow youth during his one-year reign.
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Therapy dog seeking rehabilitation treatment PEDER KATSOULIS Russell the pug has always been a good boy. Whether he’s sitting comfortably on the cold and muddy floor in the University Community Centre or cuddling up to sick patients at the Children’s Hospital, the St. John Ambulance therapy dog is always the centre of attention — but recently he’s been going through a ruff patch. “Really, I’ve just had a hard time trying to relax,” said the four-year-old pug, acknowledging that he always has to be “on” to appease the multiple strangers he’s forced to interact with daily. According to Russell, constantly posing for pictures, travelling across the city and putting on a show for people he’s barely met can be an exhausting experience. As a result of this stress, the canine is seeking formal rehabilitation to cope with the demands of being a therapy dog. Russell has reached out to his employer and is currently pursuing a three-week leave of absence from his duties in order to attend psychotherapy counselling sessions and to sniff dog-behinds at the Greenway Off-Leash Dog Park for a prolonged period of time. Russell hit a breaking point on
March 10 in Essex Hall’s cafeteria, where he ferociously attacked an over-excited resident. According to a report filed by Campus Police, the student went to hug Russell as an attempt to show (and receive) affection; upon physical interaction, the pug bit off the student’s ear — in the most adorable fashion. “I already had a jam-packed day full of clients at the Chartwell Riverside Retirement Residence, and I was not ready to be pet by a group of obnoxiously loud and odorous university students,” said Russell, adding that the incident was caused by stress that had occured during his time as a therapy dog. According to third-year residence soph Dana White, who is currently undergoing reconstructive surgery at University Hospital to replace her ear with buttock skin, Russell seemed calm and collected until she was eyeto-eye with the dog. At that point, White noticed Russell’s eyes light up, and a rumbling growl deep in his chest startled her. The next thing the student remembered was waking up in the hospital to news that her ear had been completely shredded off. “I’m not going to press charges, but I really hope that Russell learns from this very serious mistake,” said White. “The police have notified me
SPAES INVAYDOUR GAZETTE Russell the 4-year-old pug and therapy dog has informed his employer that he is actively seeking rehabilitation in order to become a functioning therapy dog.
that after the incident took place, Russell’s owner had called him a bad boy several times. That is enough punishment, in my opinion.” Russell argued that he feels expectations being placed on him every time an individual so much as pets him. He described himself as an introvert forced out of his comfort zone each and every day.
“I get it. I’m a local celebrity, but this isn’t easy work,” said Russell. “You try waking up every morning knowing that you have to fetch a squeaky ball from just about every dimwit in town. It’s an existential crisis that I need to comprehend through therapeutic treatment.” The companion animal has informed St. John Ambulance that
the leave of absence is necessary for him to feel like he can dedicate 100 per cent of his time to the job again. “Truthfully, I just want to control my anger. Maybe hang out with some other therapy dogs and gauge how they deal with the human race, because right now, I find them repulsive,” said Russell.
Look what the Cat dragged in BEN O’DRILL In a recent interview about the Bardia-Cat campaign, Cat Dunne revealed that she found her president by combing through lists of first-year econ class graduates. “I had been searching for someone with that experience to match all of the experience I have,” Dunne said. “I feel like those who have completed Econ 1000 are the perfect candidates.” The Western Gazoo asked Dunne why she chose Bardia Jalayer, whose experience in politics is non-existent.
“I’m gonna be honest here, he looked good in red,” said Dunne. “I only have one red sweater, and he had three.” During the election, students on Reddit tore apart Jalayer for his lack of University Students’ Council experience. His opponent, Frank Ye, was born as a genetic duplicate of Mitch Pratt to continue the legacy in the office. Jalayer said that he was absolutely thrilled to be in this position and that the choice was easy for him. “Once I took a look at that salary, I knew this was the job for me,” said Jalayer. “I took econ so I knew that
was a lot of money.” Dunne spent weeks looking for anyone to take this job with her. “No one wants to be in this office anymore,” Dunne said. Following first-years booing Mitch Pratt off the stage at O-Week, everyone learned that USC councillors are lame and no one wanted to work there anymore. “Bardia is my angel,” Dunne said. “I really did not want to pull an Ocean.” The team is set to take the office in May and is most looking forward to their plan to impeach Doug Ford. SANDRA SANDRA GAZETTE
King’s launches crusade against Huron JOHANNES MANFRED VON MED-SYD Sectarian warfare has broken out between two of Western’s affiliated colleges over religious differences. The Catholics of King’s have declared holy war on the Anglicans of Huron. Tensions between the colleges, which have simmered for 60 years, exploded on Monday when King’s University College labeled Huron University College as “heretics” and vowed to “drag the unfaithful to God’s light.” Huron responded by condemning Kings as a “sordid hovel of papists” and reminded its congregation of the “horrors of Bloody Mary.” King’s president subsequently made a fiery speech — some of which was in Latin — calling on King’s students to take up arms and march on Huron. Halberds, pikes and matchlocks were freely distributed to the faithful, having been stored deep under the seminary for hundreds of years. Members of the King’s Council of Knights (formerly known as the King’s University College Students’ Council) donned full suits of armour
and mounted their Norman warhorses. Those who could not join the crusade wildly flagellated themselves in fanatical displays of faith. A gigantic golden cross — pulled by a troupe of 12 horses — led the procession of crusaders toward the front gates of Western University. Meanwhile, Western’s main campus was annexed and incorporated under the theocratic reign of Huron. A large mob began smashing anything perceived as “idolatrous” and “popish.” Martin Luther’s Ninetyfive Theses was nailed to the front doors of the University Community Centre, while alcohol in The Spoke bar was confiscated and destroyed. The armies of Huron and King’s met in battle on University Drive bridge on Friday. Pikemen and musketeers engaged one another for 20 minutes before Huron’s force was scattered by an inferno of cannon fire from King’s. The crusaders subsequently captured Talbot Hall, driving out students from the Faculty of Music for their “pagan hymns.” After much fanfare — including a great deal of self-flagellation — the building was consecrated as a Catholic church.
VIA WIKMEDIA MEDIA COMMONS
The two warring parties have made various demands to Western’s administration. King’s has pledged to “cleanse all of campus in holy fire” if their demands for the banishment of Huron are not met. Huron called for funding to purchase Swiss pikemen. President Amit Chakma was quoted as saying that he will “duly consider these proposals.”
CROSSWORD SOLUTION Solution to puzzle on page 11
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BREAKING: First-year struggling to open bus door INNUH LYNE A first-year Western student is losing an ongoing battle with a London Transit Commission bus’s back door. The Route 13 bus, full of the student’s Western University peers, is stopped directly in front of Delaware Hall. Passengers are becoming aware of the student’s situation. The student initially grabbed the yellow bar attached to the right of the door before grabbing the yellow bar attached to the left of the door. They tried both at the same time, but to no avail. When the student boarded the bus, an upper-year passenger toward the back of the bus was heard commenting that they were “decent for a first-year,” but they’ve since retracted that statement. One passenger waiting to get off, standing three people behind the student, was overheard saying, “I remember my first time taking the bus.” The student is notably anxious. With their attempts to make eye contact with the bus driver now futile, they’ve dropped their left shoulder in hopes that the person
behind them takes the lead. This person has not taken the lead. “I had a car back home and never took the bus,” said the student, laughing. No one else laughed. The friend they boarded the bus with has joined the side of the unsettled onlookers, sharing gossip that this isn’t the first time they’ve struggled with basic functionality. With the situation growing pathetic, the student is now leaning against the door with their whole
body. They’re whimpering. Their mouth is against the glass. They’re making out with public transit. People are starting to move away from the upper-level seats closest to the door. A child is cowering near the front of the bus and a father is covering their baby’s eyes. We can hope for a sensible completion to this horrible, unnecessary saga, but how this story ends is anyone’s guess. SANDRA SANDRA GAZETTE
KAM RAPERSIN GAZETTE
Western’s first cheese-rolling competition a success MONTEREY JACK Western University’s first annual cheese-rolling competition took place this past weekend on University College Hill. Over 100 students and staff showed up in hopes of catching the coveted cheese wheel. Inspired by the Cooper’s Hill Cheese-Rolling and Wake in Gloucester, England, second-year international student Brie Colby wanted to bring the English tradition across the pond. “I’m very grateful for the opportunity to host such an amazing event here in London,” she said. “Since I grew up on a dairy farm, cheese has been in my blood, literally and figuratively. It’s difficult for me to go back to England, so I brought a little bit of England here.” In order to participate in the event, cheese-chasers needed to donate $10 in cheese products to the London Food Bank. Cheese-rolling involves chasing a seven- to nine-pound Gloucester cheese wheel down a relatively steep hill, and the winner of the competition is the individual who catches the cheese roll first. The winner then has the opportunity to take it home with them. The cheese gets a onesecond head start with competitors
following after it. “We were lucky this year; Costco donated a nine-pound wheel of Gunn’s Hill’s 5 Brothers Cheese, which would normally be about $250,” Colby said. The sport, however, is not for the faint of heart; reported injuries of bruised kidneys and broken bones from participants throwing themselves down the hill are common. Yet, this did not deter any of Western’s cheese challengers. “If anything, it makes it more exciting,” fourth-year engineering student MacKenzie Donald said. “There are EMTs by Talbot College, so I’m not concerned.” Only five participants needed medical treatment, with the most severe injury stemming from a
Canada goose attacking and biting first-year student Richard Feta’s thumb. “When they say don’t feed the geese, they’re also including that you shouldn’t chase a wheel of cheese near them,” Feta said. The eventual winner was Lottie Kraft, a third-year kinesiology student, who caught the cheese shortly before it reached Elgin Hall. “I’m so excited to cook with the cheese. Every bite will be the sweet taste of victory,” she later said. Overall, Colby believes this tradition will continue on well past the time she graduates. “The cheese chase brings the community together in the pursuit of food, and I think that’s amazing,” she said. “I mean, who wouldn’t want some free cheese and bragging rights?”
SAM WIDGE GAZETTE
Doug Ford replaces Chakma, all Ontario university presidents IONA LOTTA-DET Premier Doug Ford has announced he will be firing all university presidents in Ontario and taking on their positions himself for the 2019-20 academic year. The unprecedented move is part of Ford’s effort to “balance the budget,” following through with one of his key campaign promises. In a press conference yesterday morning, Ford touted his plan as not only a way to reduce the deficit, but as a “gift” to the university presidents. “I’m doing all of these presidents a favour. I’m not particularly excited about having to deal with these filthy-mouthed 20-year-olds who only seem good at screaming about debt or whatever,” said Ford. “Might have to wash their mouths out with soap myself next year.” Ford, who has never attended university, expressed no concern with regard to running all 21 universities simultaneously while sitting as premier, despite having zero experience in these institutions. “I really don’t think the people who elected me are concerned about credentials and whatnot. That’s all elitist talk, and that’s exactly what we ran against,” said Ford.
The change, which will leave 21 university presidents unemployed, has prompted an emergency meeting for all university presidents. Plans are underway for the presidents to stage a protest at Queen’s Park later this week. Students across the province are planning an indefinite walkout in solidarity with the university presidents. Western University’s president, Amit Chakma, announced in 2017 that he would not be seeking a third term in at the end of the 2018-19 academic year. Chakma expressed relief to have made the decision to leave prior to Ford’s drastic announcement. “I’ve been the running joke at Western for years now. You made memes out of me, put me on your FOCO banners. I guess I’ll be having the last laugh now,” chuckled Chakma in an exclusive interview with the Gazette. According to Ford’s government, the elimination of the university presidents is estimated to save the province $10.4 million. However, it still remains unclear how Ford will split his time between his duties in Queen’s Park and at the 21 Ontario universities.
Biker actually does everything backwards REDDIT USER For Stance Armstrong, life is all about going backwards. The third-year history student has made a name for himself across Western’s campus with his off-beat biking antics, entertaining the masses and defying the laws of human movement. And according to Armstrong, it’s just one of a plethora of activities he performs rearwards.
From writing to walking to driving, Armstrong doesn’t go forwards. And he’s been like that ever since he can remember. “I grew up in rural Mississippi, so going backwards has always just been a part of my life,” said Armstrong. “Plus, I’m a really reminiscent person, so if I can constantly keep my eyes on where I’ve been instead of where I’m going, I won’t forget the good times.” Armstrong’s entire life is driven
by this backwards mentality. Social progress? Not for him. New technologies and innovations? Pass. Natural laws of aging? Armstrong is a real-life, modern-day Benjamin Button. None of this is to say that Armstrong’s life is a piece of cake. “I hit people on my bike often,” says Armstrong. “Just can’t see them. I’ve caused dozens of accidents on the highway because I’m literally just driving against the
flow of traffic. My insurance rates are through the roof. Like yeah, I look good when I’m ripping on my bike like that, and I get tons of dates because of it, but there are downsides for sure.” When asked if he’d ever consider looking ahead on his bike, Armstrong scoffs. “Pffft, then what is this life really about?” This summer, Armstrong plans to go on tour with hip hop and rock
band Flobots, who are taking him on their European tour. While there, Armstrong will be brought on stage to perform during the band’s seminal hit, “Handlebars.” “I would say those guys are kind of soft because they don’t specifically sing about riding backwards, just without handlebars,” says Armstrong. “But we’re not all as extreme as me.”
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My eight favourite places to cry on campus RICH CRATT I’m a simple guy. I work hard and I play hard. But hey — sometimes I cry hard, too. My job isn’t always easy. Without giving too much away, I’ll say that my days consist of listening to the concerns of 30,000 students — and acting on the select few that impact me directly. But sometimes, things get rough. You try to book Chance the Rapper and Anderson Paak for a cool outdoor festival and you somehow end up with Juice Wrld and Lil Uzi. Don’t get me wrong, Purple Fest was great, but I felt conflicted because I really wanted Chance… I don’t know. Anyway, in times like those, I like to hole up somewhere and cry it out for a bit. You know how it is. Here are my eight favourite places to curl up for a good cry on campus: 1. UNIVERSITY COLLEGE Late at night, I like to go into the great hall in UC and pretend I’m giving a commencement speech. The speech is always so good that I move myself to tears. It’s really cathartic. 2. THE GREENHOUSE Standing in the greenhouse makes me feel in touch with nature. It reminds me that, even though I’m above average, I’m still only human. 3. MY OWN OFFICE IN THE UNIVERSITY COMMUNITY CENTRE It’s on the third floor and it is absolutely littered with signed photos of myself. I have to climb over them to get to my swivel chair, and that’s
where I get my best crying done. 4. DANNY CHANG’S TURTLENECK You know the one — it’s black and it pairs great with a grey blazer. I like to wear it when I’m feeling down to remind myself that at least I’ll always have Danny. That’s what I did on the night Bardia+Cat got elected. I realized that I would have to watch someone else step into my role, and I curled up in that turtleneck and wept for hours. 5. UC HILL I like to stand at the bottom of the hill and reminisce on all the hard work I avoided to make O-Week happen, as well as the great success of Purple Fest. Me, standing there, looking out into the smiling faces of my constituents… beautiful. It moves me to tears, obviously. 6. GROCERY CHECKOUT The only thing I eat is eggs. I fucking love eggs. When I’m having a rough day, I just love to go down to Grocery Checkout and have a hearty cry as I shove raw eggs down my throat while employees pretend not to notice. Feels great. 7. THE GRAD CLUB Ever had a Grad Club Beer? They’re great. Western is great. I cry about it often. 8. THE GAZETTE I like to sneak into the newsroom at night and cut out every Gazette article that mentions me. Though I haven’t always been fond of the student paper, I’m learning to love it. It’s where I get my best scrapbooking done.
KAM RAPERSIN GAZETTE
Screw the student press BY GAZETTE EDITORIAL BOARD
Here at the Gazette we are ready to face the facts: there’s no point in having a student paper anymore. With impending Ontario Student Assistance Plan cuts and threats to university funding, it is crucial that students remain uninformed so that the administration and the University Students’ Council can act quickly and without backlash. The administration has shown nothing but impeccable judgement over the past few months — as their actions during February’s ice storm clearly demonstrated. Shutting down campus at noon was a perfect solution, ensuring students did not miss out on their valuable morning lectures, while simultaneously providing the university with all the necessary good-PR.
SANDRA SANDRA GAZETTE
Academic advising tells students to go fuck themselves PISSTAIN WEENIE Over the past few days, Reddit has been flooded by students with an unusual concern. Though it might seem impossible, reports indicate that academic counselling has gotten worse. The string of complaints started when Ashley McTaylor, a third-year medical sciences student, requested academic relief against losing marks in a course with mandatory attendance. “I had just spent days quarantined in the hospital,” McTaylor explains. “I work at a preschool, so you know how it is — I got a pretty bad case of the measles.” When McTaylor emailed Science academic counselling a photocopy of her doctor’s note, she was surprised by their response. Her request to miss class without penalty was denied within minutes, with academic counselling telling her that there’s “nothing we can do.”
McTaylor has been forced to return to class because she “can’t afford to lose the marks.” The result has been a faculty-wide quarantine, with med-sci students locked away in the University Community Centre basement while science professors scramble for a solution to the measles outbreak. The group of quarantined students are losing marks by the minute, with a new email from academic counselling stating that “having measles is not a valid reason to be absent from class.” Med-sci students aren’t the only ones having problems with academic counselling. Benjamin Iron, a fourth-year engineering student, posted a lengthy complaint on the Reddit thread r/uwo/ about a recent meeting he had with a counsellor from Engineering Undergraduate Services. “I requested an extension on an assignment because I’ve been
Similarly, the USC has proved itself more than capable of reaching students, as shown by the huge success of Purple Fest, which drew students from across the province and off Broughdale in droves to jam-out to Lil Uzi Vert. Assuming they can do 5-6 more each year, students will remain entertained. Of course, students absolutely determined to stay up-to-date would not be left in the lurch. For the handful of old souls who prefer their news in print form, fear not — The London Free Press is an esteemed local publication well-known for its extensive coverage of Western University. While the /r/uwo Reddit thread is well known for its intelligent discussions of the latest news, often tastefully
overwhelmed by how much I have to do over the next few days,” says Iron, who has 84 assignments due this week and a beer pong tourney to attend over the weekend. “When I brought up my concerns to my academic advisor, he laughed and told me to ‘please drop out.’ ” Iron claims that the academic advisor proceeded to call him “ugly,” adding that “feeling stressed isn’t a valid reason to visit academic advising — nothing is.” Undergraduate services have addressed these concerns in a mass email sent out to over 10,000 students. The email, which was sent at 3:02 a.m. this morning, simply reads “It’s not our fault you’re stupid.”
presented in meme format. And of course, for those craving year-round Purple Fest coverage, Danny Chang’s infamous Instagram feed will have you covered. The fact is, with opt-out ancillary fees taken into consideration, the USC could be putting next year’s budget of an estimated $12 to much better use than the current one. Rather than funding an establishment that amplifies the student voice, the USC could focus their funds towards what’s really important: addressing the demand for more fresh-salad vending machines in the UCC and actually getting Chance the Rapper on stage for Purple Fest. Next to these necessities, the student paper falls rather short. The Gazette is designed to tell Western’s collective story and provide professional publishing opportunities to every undergraduate student. However, the editorial board has determined that students have a higher chance of convincing science academic counselling to grant them academic accommodation than finding a media job after graduation. In light of this, we have decided it’s probably best to cut our losses and turn our attention to pursuing philosophy degrees, which will undoubtedly lead to more stable employment opportunities. Western students have been promised Canada’s best university experience, and given that ignorance is bliss, student papers may have to be sacrificed to maintain that promise — even the ones that have been around since 1906.
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CHAKMA: Whe BY CHAK MALOVE
As the reign of Western University’s dwindles to a close, many students, staff an What will be this mythica
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HE MAN,
the myth, the legend has been spotted globally since Alan Shepard’s appointment, perhaps on a soul-searching journey to discover his post-Western passion. Chakma has always been a private man, reigning the student body from his ivory tower of Stevenson Hall. When previously asked where he has set his sights on after departing, the legend simply shrugged and said “Ban FOCO.” Chakma has been acting stranger than usual: a first-year social science student reports seeing him wandering around Lawson Hall wearing tin foil, searching through the garbage cans for more shiny food wrappers. The source says the experience has scarred her, and she has since transferred from Western. The student would like to remain anonymous for concerns for her safety. Another student has reported arriving to a meeting with Chakma only to find him standing in a corner, staring into the wall. Chakma reportedly did not hear the student enter or say his name multiple times. Chakma only turned from the wall when the student sheepishly addressed him as “Mr. President, sir, your honour.” The president turned, as if suddenly awake, and sat down for the meeting. He did not address previous altercations and claims to have no knowledge of it to this day. The students have begun to demand answers. A group of Chakma’s most avid supporters have gathered in order to piece together the puzzle of this mystery man. They still have no answers — only more questions. Most recently, an eyewitness account testified that Chakma was spotted boarding a rubber motor boat on the coast of Miami, clad in safari attire. After loading what seemed to be boxes of gear into the boat Chakma raised
one knee to put his foot on the side of the boat and dramatically unwound a yellowing scroll. The eyewitness account then claims Chakma waved the scroll wildly, muttering about triangles and magnetic fields to himself. The map, once held in the air, could be seen to have an embellished red triangle between three points in the Atlantic Ocean. The witness raced to report back to the group of students — the only people looking for him — as Chakma kicked his boat off-shore and began the motor. The students screamed, “Stop that man at all costs,” but it was too late. Chakma was already gliding out, racing toward Bermuda, perhaps never to be seen again. Early reports indicated he may have sunk, as his vessel was far from ocean-worthy. However, weeks later, Chakma was spotted driving his motor boat up onto the garbage-ridden beaches of Atlantic City, New Jersey, joined by Hinder frontman Austin Winkler and stacks of $100 bills. Local authorities, concerned about the duo —who were wearing Western Mustangs polos and short jean shorts in sub-zero temperatures — approached them and asked if they needed any assistance. “So we ask them if they need a hand, what they’re doing out on a small motor boat in the dead of February, and Mr. Chakma simply looks at me and asks where the nearest Chili’s is,” says Atlantic City Police Department constable Bill Bickers. Throughout the week, eyewitness reports claim Chakma and Winkler frequented Atlantic City Chili’s establishments, often getting kicked out
Chakma’s 10
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ATLANTIC CITY
KARMEN SANDY-EGGO GAZETTE
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ere is he now?
s favourite president, Amit Chakma, nd faculty are asking where he is off to next. al man’s newest project? of the restaurants for singing “Lips of an Angel” loudly and attempting to play-fight each other. They were also seen at a number of local casinos, schmoozing with New Jersey’s finest and playing the slots with governor Chris Christie. At a much-anticipated bout between boxer Floyd Mayweather and a Tasmanian Devil named Steve French at Atlantic City’s Boardwalk Hall, Chakma attempted to jump into the ring to throw a Dairy Queen ice cream cake at French. No official reports confirmed Chakma was in fact in Atlantic City, although he can be spotted in an Instagram post by Winkler showing the duo at the Donald Trump Plaza. Chakma, growing bored of grinding out late-night wins on New Jersey’s 24-hour Texas hold ‘em circuit, sought a new motivation. He still had his boat. And he was ready to take off. But where to go? Wandering around Atlantic City, he sought fuel for his travelling fire. Should he ship out west for fish and chips from a small, unassuming diner on the Absecon Bay coast? Ought he to continue north and visit a pleasant county fair in beautiful Nova Scotia? Questions such as these danced around his head. And then the questions, all in a flash, ceased. Wandering around a quirky (if not poorly located) Scottish souvenir shop, he encountered a poster of the Loch Ness monster. Despite assurances from the shop’s owner and four different shoppers that it was a long-debunked fable, Chakma was undeterred. Chakma fired up his boat and set across the Atlantic.
Bringing three bags of beef jerky and an unsweetened lemonade, Chakma arrived in Scotland 16 days later with one bag of jerky left and the lemonade untouched. For days, he worked between sailing northeast through the heart of Scotland and dragging his raft behind him, like some sort of Santa Clause sans reindeer. Nine days later, he arrived, screaming at the top of his lungs, “I am here to lay sight on the mythical Scottish beast!” Incredibly dehydrated and clearly suffering from exhaustion, a local offered to take him in for a meal. Upon sharing various cereals and poultries, the local showed Chakma a host of YouTube videos debunking the myth. “So many people have come through here with full-blown radar,” the local informed him. “It’s literally impossible that the Loch Ness monster exists.” Seemingly agreeing, Chakma walked out of his home and thanked him for the dry foods. The local, not wanting to see Chakma dragging his boat around, turned to grab their keys and offer him a ride. But the keys were off the counter. The local ran outside just in time to see Chakma dumping the boat and hopping in the driver’s seat. He screamed something unitelligible — in any recorded language. Then Chakma sped off, down the road and into the winding Scottish pines. Where is he now? Well, that’s a story for another day.
s Journey
A D U LE M R NG A RI
SCOTLAND/ LAND OF THE LOCH NESS MONSTER
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• 8
Troy Bolton, Mustangs new recruit
REED ING GAZETTE
THEOPHRASTUS BOMBASTUS Straight-A student, all-star athlete and musical theatre prodigy. Western Mustang’s basketball’s newest recruit truly is the ultimate triple threat. This coming September, the
Mustangs are happy to welcome their newest varsity athlete: Troy Bolton. Troy laces up his red and white basketball shoes and heads onto the court. Hanging around after practice to work on his free throws is one of the small factors that made him the player he is today.
The gym is completely empty and the smell of sweat lingers in the air. The sound of his shoes squeaking against the freshly polished court and the swoosh of the basket netting are the only sounds to be heard. “I’m so excited to be soaring and flying with the purple and white next year!” said Bolton, smiling from ear to ear. “I was like, ‘Why stick to the status quo and go to some college in the States? Canada’s basketball program is way better.’ ” Bolton’s time at Western is definitely going to be the start of something new. He plans to bring the same success to London that he brought to the East High Wildcats. He walks past the trophy case in the gym, with countless trophies shining in the light. “Winning back-to-back state championships was the highlight of my high school career,” he says, staring intently at the trophy case. “That game was rough. I had a hard time getting my head in the game, then I remembered, you gotta get’cha head in the game, it’s now or never,
right here right now and I want it all. Then we won.” From a young age, Bolton knew he wanted to follow in the footsteps of his father. He wanted to be another Wildcats captain, leading his own generation to back-to-back state victories. When he looked at his father’s dusty photo in the trophy case, his face filled with pride and inspiration. Aside from being an all-American basketball legend, Bolton is also a performer in a very different way. “Last year, I discovered my love for the performing arts,” said Bolton, his tone shy and embarrassed. “I told myself I’m breaking free and doing what I love. I remember when my dad said I was a basketball player, not a singer. I looked him dead in the eyes and said ‘Did you ever think maybe I could be both?’ ” Bolton managed to clinch the lead role in their school musical, where he revealed to not only himself, but his family, friends and classmates, that he is an incredible performer on stage. His face lit up when he talked about the experience. He spoke
about it like it was something he didn’t get to talk about a lot. Bolton’s love for both the arts and basketball is what drew him to Western in the first place. When he discovered that a theatre program actually existed at the school and that he would likely be the best player on their basketball team, he was locked in. “I’m so excited to help the Mustangs bop to the top of the OUA,” he said. “The boys are back, and we’re all in this together, and we’re going to work this out! What time is it? Time for a gold medal! And you can bet on it. You can bet on me.” Although he’s ready to represent the Purple and White, Bolton will always be part of East High at heart. As I walked out of the empty gymnasium after our interview, I could hear him gently chanting the team cheer to himself under his breath. “What team? Wildcats. What team? Wildcats. What team? Wildcats. Wildcats. Get your head in the game.”
Western announces new varsity drinking team BRANDY ALEXANDER Western announced the addition of a drinking games team to the Mustangs varsity roster. The new program will be comprised of 10 participants competing in beer pong, flip cup, gun run and bucket chug. The announcement was made late Friday night by Mustangs athletics officials after a wild rager at Amit Chakma’s Gibbons Lodge residence. In order to qualify, each team member must have accumulated at least 100 career beer pong and flip cup wins, as well as be able to finish a full beer in under three seconds. Western will join the Guelph Gryphons, Laurier Golden Hawks, Toronto Varsity Blues and York Lions as qualified varsity programs. Unfortunately, the Queen’s Gaels application was denied because they couldn’t meet the necessary standards. The addition of the new team was driven in large part by incumbent team captains, Dale Dobac and Steve Stifler. According to the pair, the team was truly a no-brainer. “All anyone says is that Western
parties too much, right? So I feel like this team shows what it is to be a Mustang,” said Stifler. The plan for the team was originally conceived at an unsanctioned street party on London’s Broughdale Avenue. “Yeah, it was me, Steve, Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering, and we were just getting absolutely H1-in1 at FOCO,” said Dobac. “We figured, fuck it, we want to look like varsity athletes, too.” The acquisition of varsity status was particularly meaningful to Dobac. “Everyone always says, ‘Dale, all you do is drink. What are you going to do with your life?’ Well, they can look at this: I made my own team, and it’s the hardest I’ve worked in my entire life,” explained Dobac. “You tell me who’s a degenerate with no future now.” Unfortunately, the team has already run into financial problems. Upon receiving their new uniforms, the team immediately cut the sleeves off each of their jerseys. Stifler and Dobac were unaware that destruction of team uniform was
“Yeah, it was me, Steve, Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering, and we were just getting absolutely H1-in1 at FOCO, we figured, fuck it, we want to look like varsity athletes, too.” DALE DOBAC TEAM CAPTAIN
against OUA regulations. “I honestly still don’t understand,” said a mifled Stifler. “If LeBron can rip his uniform midgame, why can’t we? I need to show off my guns, just like Bron Bron.” Nevertheless, the team will need to replace the destroyed uniforms and has, as a result, organized a fundraising “kegger” at Stifler’s house. The members of the newest Mustangs program recognize that some may not support the nature of their sport. However, Dobac posited that these critics simply don’t understand the dedication required to compete. “If you think about it, these
SANDRA SANDRA GAZETTE
games are the peak test of athletic ability,” asserted Dobac. “I don’t know any sport that requires the same type of coordination and focus that beer pong does. And gun run? You tell me what’s more impressive: making a basketball shot or dusting a beer in under two seconds.” Given the controversial rules of some of the games, the OUA
has allowed each university to set “house rules” that will be followed by the road teams in order to avoid conflict. The first official competition will take place on Saturday, Sept. 28, 2019 at The Poacher’s Arms.
Western rejects sponsorship deal with Nike BARBARA FROM HUMAN RESOURCES Western University has rejected a $200 million sponsorship with Nike over safety concerns for their athletes. Talks between the university and one of the world’s leading sport apparel brands have heated up, especially with the underwelming success of the men’s basketball team, who have made the Ontario University Athletics playoffs two years in a row. Nike reached out to the school in late November 2018, looking to partner with their first Canadian university and dip their toes into the Canadian collegiate market. Mustangs athletics director Beverly Woss was surprised when
Nike contacted her in the hopes of establishing a relationship. “Definitely a surprise for us, but I think with the success we’ve had recently, with the men’s basketball, the football and the ultimate frisbee teams, it really did make sense,” Woss said. “You know, we’re attracting a lot of potential athletes from across the nation, and even though no one really cares what’s happening here with the Western Mustangs, it’s certainly something to be proud of.” The initial details of the sponsorship would see Nike make and provide the Mustangs with jerseys, shorts and warm-up gear, as well as sport-specific gear such as basketballs, indoor court shoes, cleats and even hockey sticks and
skates. Woss stated that Nike also expressed interest in buying players’ souls, though they agreed that it would be something to explore after implementing the sponsorship with the athletes. However, the entire project was turned on its ankle a few weeks ago when NBA prospect and college basketball standout athlete Zion Williamson of the Duke Blue Devils, blew out his Nike-made shoe during a key matchup against North Carolina, resulting in a knee injury and missed games. Western became extremely concerned over the safety of their student athletes. “You know, after seeing what happened to [Zion], we just felt like we couldn’t ever put ourselves or our athletes in that position, where
an injury occurs because a shoe was too weak to handle the explosiveness of a world-class U Sports athlete, says Woss. Player safety is really something that we emphasize and promote. We reserve the right to manufacture our athletes’ immense and unique life-course challenges.” Western’s head athletic trainer, Brock Bishop, was also very vocal about his concerns for the school’s student athletes. “I see these kids come in, usually super hungover, and you know, they really play their heart out. And sometimes, things don’t always go their way, but when something happens because of an injury caused by something totally preventable, I just don’t think that’s acceptable.”
“Player safety is really something that we emphasize and promote. We reserve the right to manufacture our athletes’ immense and unique lifecourse challenges.” BEVERLY WOSS MUSTANGS ATHLETICS DIRECTOR
Western has rejected Nike’s sponsorship offer, which was estimated to be around $200 million, and elected to continue with the current gear that they have. Mustangs players, struggling to afford rent and food, were unaware of the offer.
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• TUESDAY, MARCH 26, 2019
Influencer using dad’s money to pwn social media game ANONYMOUS SOURCE Dougie Braddock is changing the world, one kitschy, self-masturbatory social media post at a time. Since buying 2,000 Instagram followers four years ago, Braddock has built a relatively successful influencer career, leveraging his stunning body and astonishing lack of self-awareness into online success. And he’s not looking back. “I’m really just out here trying to inspire others to create a better world by following their passions,” says Braddock, vaguely. “All you need to follow your dreams is a great work ethic, exceptional exercise plans and appetite suppressants, and, ideally, a parent who works as a senior executive at a Big Four consulting firm and
is willing to support your lavish lifestyle.” Braddock aims to create “totally relatable” content for his now 6,000-plus followers. From shirtless mirror pics of his nine-pack to photos from luxurious far-off locales to pseudo-inspirational blog posts riddled with spelling errors and logical inconsistencies, Braddock is setting himself apart as a true winner in the influencer game. Inspired by the likes of Jay Alvarez, the Paul Brothers and all those people who still went to Fyre Festival even though it was obviously a hoax, Braddock never stops “rising and grinding” to give his followers what they want. When asked about the dark side of the influencer lifestyle — the desperation, loneliness and
sheer Sisyphean tedium of ceaselessly chasing what will most likely end up being an ever-diminishing share of the online attention economy — Braddock gives it little thought. “First of all, I don’t have syphilis anymore, bro,” he says. “And second of all, I’ll never give up on my quest for Instagram likes. My entire existence is tied to the attention I get from strangers. Every like I get on Instagram makes my life more complete — there’s a direct correlation.” And Braddock has no time for the haters who claim he’s “narcissistic” for editing the size of his junk in photos of himself in underwear or exploiting vulnerable young people by selling crappy merch at exorbitant prices. “Small-minded people always
want to see you fail,” says Braddock. “They just want to be me — rich parents, impeccable entrepreneurial skills, an exquisite build. Lions don’t concern themselves with the opinions of lambs.” Currently in his second-year of a general studies degree at Western University, Braddock hopes to ride this wave of success as long as he can. He’s currently looking into effective black market anti-aging serums and has invested a significant amount in an Infowars venture to locate the fountain of youth. “I mean, the older I get, the less dope I’ll be. That’s just science man,” says Braddock. “So whatever I can do to remain 21-years-old forever would definitely be worth the thousands of dollars my dad will have to pay to make it happen.”
COURTESY OF DOUGIE BRADDOCK | INSTAGRAM
University College to be replaced by 75’ statue of Amit Chakma
BOB ROSS GAZETTE
WES TURNER In recognition of his entirely altruistic and not at all self-serving contributions to Western University, a new statue is to be erected atop University College Hill depicting president Amit Chakma at his most charitable, the university announced this Monday. The statue will replace the long-standing University College
after the administration deliberated for months on its possible location. The announcement was made at a press conference held by university chancellor Jack Cowin outside the soon-to-be demolished building. The event was delayed as Cowin got lost on his way to UC Hill — something that he says “would never happen if we had a beacon in the form of some massive, towering structure atop the hill that could be
a reference point for new students.” Regarding their decision to replace one of Western’s most historic and publicized landmarks, Cowin said, “Does anyone even know what we use this thing for anymore? If it’s just going be to sitting there all day, we may as well make it into something sick.” Cowin, who was also behind the retroactive renaming of the former ThreeC+ Engineering Building (now the Amit Chakma Engineering Building), explained that the university intially planned to constrtuct an elaborate memorial in honor of philanthropist and former university chancellor Richard G. Ivey. “I didn’t even know we were building a statue till the Chakmaster hit me up,” Cowin explained. He then paused to take a bite out of plate of nachos served on a gleaming silver platter by University Students’ Council vice-president Danny Chang. “Anyway,” Cowin continued between bites, “let’s just say we had a profitable — er — productive conversation, and I realized we should really be honouring the big AC instead of some guy who already
has a building named after him.” The chancellor then proceeded to double-dip. The Gazette was unable to reach Chakma for a comment after he agressively berated a reporter for disturbing him in the middle of counting his “fat stacks” (referring to the literal piles of cash in his office). The statue will reportedly depict the outgoing president holding nearly bursting bags of money in both hands emblazoned with rows of dollar symbols. The reasoning for this particular depiction, as Cowin said, was “to remember exactly the kind of incredible work that Amit Chakma has done for Western.” He followed this explanation by saying “and my wallet” and then proceeded to laugh heartily while patting a massive bulge in his coat pocket. The university has not disclosed the statue’s estimated cost but assured staff and students that planning is “well underway.” Cowin also said that construction services have been outsourced to a “very reliable and entirely unaffiliated” overseas firm. Cowin ended the conference by
offhandedly mentioning “significant budget cuts” to the Arts and Humanities Faculty but assured the crowd that the plans were “entirely unrelated.” Michael Milde, the faculty’s dean, could be heard softly whimpering in a corner behind Cowin but was promptly hushed by the chancellor. Construction is expected to begin spring 2020, and Cowin expects that the statue’s presence on campus will help to further bolster Western’s international reputation. “Guys, the bottom line is that all the coolest universities have statues, and I’m not going to look like a fool at next year’s Pretentious Academics Gala just because some nerds want to sit in a bell tower and talk about their feelings all day,” explained Cowin. The conference concluded with Cowin jumping into his neon purple convertible and yelling “C’mon, babe, let’s blow this popsicle stand” to his wife Sharon. He then sped off directly into a pedestrian walkway while honking angrily at a group of sudents crossing the road.
Western announces adequate funding for the arts THE ANCIENT MARINER Western University’s provost, Andrew Hrymak, announced today that the Faculty of Arts and Humanities will be receiving adequate funding next year. The announcement was made in University College’s Temple of Fire, which earned its name from the building’s lack of electricity, which forces each meeting to be lit by a bonfire. “I’m proud to announce that the Faculty of Arts will have enough funding to hire one professor next year,” said Hrymak. “As I’m sure you’re all aware, this is a big deal for the faculty.” All four arts students erupted into applause.
This hiring of the faculty’ first professor in 12 years is likely to greatly increase the quality of education for students in the faculty, explained Hrymak. Previously, education in the Arts relied on Wikipedia articles printed in Talbot College — a practice which consumed approximately 40 per cent of the faculty’s budget. Following the Provost’s announcement, philosophy students had a lot to say — however, their statements were too prestigious to be understood. Theatre studies students then displayed their gratitude through a spontaneous enactment of the classic rock opera Jesus Christ Superstar, in which they hoisted the Provost into the air and chanted “king of
kings, king of kings.” However, the crowd was disappointed when Hrymak failed to turn water into vodka. After the sacrificial ceremony concluded, Janette McInnis, a second-year visual arts student, asked if her program would be seeing any of this new funding. Hrymak was quick to turn her down. “Unfortunately, the administration and I have decided that cave painting is still the only medium we can afford to fund,” said Hyrmak in response. He added that in arts’ next budget review – which is scheduled for 2029 — they might consider thrifting pencils for the program. The new budget also aims to repair University College’s left wing,
BOB ROSS GAZETTE
which was damaged in a dumpster fire last year. “I’m really excited to see the arts flourish under this new funding,”
said Hrymak. “I really hope they realize that this university prioritizes the arts just as much as any other faculty.”
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TUESDAY, MARCH 26, 2019 •
• 10
SENIORITIS
Serious epidemic returns to campus BEDDY KATSOULIS It’s made its annual return. The crippling disease known as senioritis strikes senior Western University’s students once again, causing a major decline in class attendance. The dangerous disease, initially diagnosed at Western in 1883 with the school’s first graduating class, is known to lower student motivation and decrease the use of brain cells. Every year, Western University’s students experiene prolonged periods of wearring sweatpants and hoodies, a major symptoms of this disease, which also includes laziness, a dismissive attitude, increased absences and excessive procrastination. So far, 6,666 cases have been documented, most of them being near the end of second semester after senior students have received their midterm grades, or after they’ve handed in their job applications. “It affects every senior, regardless
of who they are and what program they’re in,” says Dr. Phillip Calvin McGraw, also known as Dr. Phil, a psychologist who’s known for his “get real” approach to solving problems. “It happens naturally, like diarrhea.” According to a very credible report by Rick McGhie, a victim of senioritis whose sole reason for staying at Western was to find out how the disease was affecting other students, UberEats has seen a 420 per cent increase in their orders. As a result, grocery stores face extinction and students’ bank accounts are at an all-time low. Bar owners and bouncers at Jack’s, The Barking Frog, Ceeps, Belfort and 5th Avenue have all seen an increasing percentage of older students in their nightly customer base, saying this time of year is the busiest with students’ alcohol supply running threateningly low. It appears there is no treatment for senioritis, although there is a
KENT EVAN GAZETTE
time-related cure, a phenomenon known as graduation. Based on when the senior student is diagnosed with the disease, it could take up to months for senioritis to be cured. “My senioritis started around the end of February when I didn’t do most of my assignments until 9 p.m. a day before the due date,” says Pete Zah, a fourth-year student in media, information and technoculture. “I pretty much don’t really
care about the consequences at this point.” In some cases, the cure could prove ineffective, and the student may experience symptoms of senioritis post graduation. In these cases, it’s highly advised by Dr. Phil for the student to immediately begin a post-grad degree. “It’s sad to see students suffer senioritis because I’ve been in their shoes,” says Noah Signments, a professor in the department of
psychology at Western. “I studied psychology to understand this disease better and hopefully find a more immediate cure.” Cases of senioritis have been reported at universities across the world, and Dr. Phil expects to see thousands of cases again next year. If you know someone affected by senioritis, you can call 1-800 to let them know all your concerns. They care.
Ivey’s ‘biggest banger’ of the year SIR VALENCE
Brave student uncovers laptop webcam SIR VALENCE On Wednesday afternoon, secondyear political science student Watt Cheng declared that he’s uncovering his laptop webcam. The declaration was submitted to he “UWO Must Knows” page on Facebook, reading as follows: “Fellow students, it is time for us to stop living in fear and anxiety of our laptop webcams. I notice during my lectures and tutorials that a vast number of us cover our laptop camera with tape, and why? Is it because we fear being watched by hackers? Have we watched too many Black Mirror episodes? Is it to have an excuse to ignore FaceTime calls? Is it just the new status quo? Tonight I will be uncovering my laptop webcam to showcase that the fears and worries we have are unfounded. Feel free to join me.”
The decision was met with both criticism and support; students either completely denounced Cheng actions or outright supported them. “I don’t think it was a smart decision on his part,” explains Jane Butterfield, first-year medical sciences student. “Everybody knows the FBI and the CIA have tabs on everyone in Canada, America and God knows where else.” Butterfield also calls for the university administration to take action against Cheng, as his actions could endanger the safety of the school. “I love my designated FBI agent, I practice my presentations to him all the time and he always gives me valuable feedback,” explains Brett Fiorillo, fourthyear Ivey student. “I think Jake is completely right in uncovering his webcam. The government knows
so much about us anyway, why not give them a glimpse into our day to day life too?” Regardless of the opinions surrounding Cheng actions, the following day, the post was shared over 200,000 times and has amassed over 1 million likes on the platform. Cheng was even invited to appear on The Tonight Show and The Ellen DeGeneres Show, the latter of which showcased her admiration for Cheng bravery by awarding him a lifetime supply of laptop webcams. When asked for comment Cheng simply said, “I did it for freedom, I did it for love, I did it for Western.” When asked for comment, the FBI said Cheng should take down his Nickelback posters.
“An event following the footsteps of FOCO,” authorities are saying, as students drunkenly stumble out of the trashed Ivey building. Twenty-one year old HBA1 student Jared Maccoy has been named the mastermind behind what he calls “the biggest banger” of the year. With over 400 attendees, the Ivey private party spanned three floors. The third floor was exclusively for Alumni, including Mellissa Park, who pitched the idea of “The Ivey Party” in her 2257 feasibility project back in 2017. “I’m proud because I’ve created a legacy of sorts. A lot of Ivey kids just roam the halls, come and go, but I wanted to be different,” said Park, who now works as a big data analyst at Apple. “Seeing these kids take my idea, make a business out of it and make what I imagined a reality is just so humbling.” Tickets for the party were sold at $10 per person or $100 if attendees came as a group of 12. They included drinks, access to games and private room bookings for small groups. The party was rumored to have started at 12 a.m. and went undisturbed until staff arrived the next morning. “It’s amazing that the police can be so invested in the destruction of FOCO but can’t even tell a party like this is happening right down the street,” said professor Marc Jenson. The staff were greeted by hundreds of hungover students sprawled across the floor, littered bottles and the pungent smell of vomit. Authorities were called immediately. “When I walked in, I wish I could say I was shocked. This party happens every year, and they never learn from it because god forbid we tarnish our reputation. It was appalling. Someone was throwing up over the Starbucks counter, the
floor was sticky — I just walked right back out,” said Ivey professor Tim Benson. Authorities landed on site at approximately 10 a.m. to survey damages and escort students out of the building. “We found broken windows, furniture and busted open doors to the teachers’ lounge,” said officer Michael Smith of the London Police Service. It was simple for officials to pin the responsibility on Maccoy as several students surrendered his name for freedom, before rushing out of the building. When asked for a statement, Maccoy defended the students’ actions. “No one threw me under the bus. We all know nothing is going to happen to me — we basically own this building — so throwing this party is more of a title than anything,” he said. Within hours of the event, Maccoy’s father Mitchel Maccoy and his team of lawyers were at the scene and promptly went into discussion with authorities and Ivey officials. “I think this is a learning opportunity for my son. We put him in this program to make money, and money can fix anything. If he’s going to be the man he is now, he needs it behind him to cover his tracks,” said Mitchel. Maccoy and his father walked out of the building at 7 p.m. with no charges, no consequences and no responsibilities. “I was just worried the payments that go towards buying my grades would have to go to the repairs instead. Luckily, Dad just sold his fourth house, so he could cover both” said Maccoy as he left. Partying away any stress, Maccoy has interviews lined up next week at Amazon, Microsoft and Bell.
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• TUESDAY, MARCH 26, 2019
Street preachers save hundreds from beautiful spring day ANONYMOUS SOURCE Local street preachers Harry Johnson and Keith Smyas rescued more than 200 Western students from enjoying a cloudless spring day on Monday by informing them of their sins and the swiftly impending Judgment Day. A former adult entertainment duo, Johnson and Smyas said they were directly called by God to bring their fundamentalist, hate-mongering version of Christianity to London’s unholy cyclists, dog walkers, restaurant-goers and college students. “All of you will burn in hellfi re, so sayeth the Lord,” Johnson said to a student in a wheelchair returning from volunteering with at-risk youth and an 80-year-old Brescia University College nun walking a golden retriever. For nearly a decade, the pair’s highly personalized, tag-team style of lay sermonizing has been among the most effective in the city, as virtually all park-goers and warm weather-enjoyers within Johnson and Smyas’s range of vision have been delivered from their conversations or patio meals within minutes.
The two credit their success to their ruthlessness and “no holds barred” mentality. Upon bearing witness to a woman strolling by in a pair of jeans, Smyas exclaimed “Harlot, dare ye bare clothing that pertains to a man?” Wherever they go, Johnson and Smyas are armed with their own version of the Bible — “We cut out all the stuff about Jesus, love and the Jews,” claimed Smyas — and a giant, homemade photo-collage display of fire, Oui magazine centerfolds from the 1980s and the glam metal band KISS. It is their DIY approach that they believe has set them apart from other street preachers in London trying to spare locals from the temptation of a fresh March breeze. But not everyone supports what Johnson and Smyas — who have been inspired by such legends of the game as Jim Jones, David Koresh and William Branham — are doing. “Yeah, I mean literally my entire life has been devoted to bringing students to the faith by preaching about the positive aspects of Christianity,” said Western University chaplain John Peter. “And I’ve
Jordan Peterson to receive honorary degree, Western revokes same day PETER JORDANSON Western University announced last week it would award Jordan Peterson an honorary doctorate in political incorrectness at the June 2019 convocation. They retracted the award later that day. Peterson, a psychology professor from the University of Toronto, gained notoriety in 2016 when he refused to refer to students by their preferred gender pronouns. He has risen to international prominence after publishing his book 12 Rules for Life. The retraction comes only days after the University of Cambridge rescinded an offer for a visiting fellowship at their Faculty of Divinity. Cambridge announced its decision to rescind the offer “after a further review” on Twitter, leading to an infuriated Peterson’s response in a tweet that is now deleted, calling the faculty “bloody virtue-signaling cowards.” In seeming competition with Cambridge’s method for announcing the decision to rescind their initial offer, a spokesperson for Western made the university’s announcement via Instagram Live.
The spokesperson characterized the decision of Western’s Honorary Degrees Committee to award then retract an honorary degree for Peterson as “something they found to be really funny.” The spokesperson confi rmed that Western never planned to award Peterson with the honorary degree and that it was all an attempt to provoke Peterson into a Twitter rampage. “Honestly, we saw Peterson’s meltdown on Twitter after what Cambridge did, and we thought it would be super funny if we joined in on the joke. We created a new degree in political incorrectness just so we could pull this off,” said the spokesperson. Falling for the trap, Peterson went on a 20-tweet rant, calling the university a “hub for Marxists” and denouncing both Cambridge and Western’s decisions as “an attack on the man.” Peterson fans came to his quick defence on Twitter, consoling the psychology professor with the hashtag #PetersonUniversity. A GoFundMe page was set up soon after, collecting donations to set up an online university that Peterson would head.
ANONYMOUS SOURCE GAZETTE
never found telling people they’ll burn for eternity in the depths of hell for literally just doing normal human things an effective evangelism tactic.” Another individual, who preferred to go unnamed, alluded to the duo’s unbecoming aesthetic. “Maybe they’d be more effective if they didn’t smell like beef and cheese, or harass women,” said the source, who claimed Johnson accused her of sashaying her hips like a
painted Jezebel. “I don’t want you to write my name down, though; I literally saw them beat the shit out of a kid fl ying a kite because, like the Tower of Babel, he was ‘getting a little too close to heaven.’ ” While every single church in the London area has disavowed the duo, it is estimated that they’ve saved nearly 30,000 wayward souls on college campuses, outside local bars and restaurants and at bus stops around the city.
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GYMWORLD Gymnastics club in North/West London has expanded into our new facility at 1712 Hyde Park Rd, and are hiring for gymnastics coaches.
On bus route Days, evenings and/or weekends Work as little as 3 hours per week or as many as 20 hours.
HIRING
PUT YOUR SUDOKU SAVVY TO THE TEST! To solve a sudoku, the numbers 1 through 9 must fill each row, column and box. Each number can appear only once in each row, column and box. You can figure out the order in which the numbers will appear by using the numeric clues already provided in the boxes. For solution, turn to page 3
GREAT PAY
FOR GYMNASTICS COACHES 519.474.4960 • info@gymworld.ca
EVENTS LA NOCHE HERÉTICA A fun and free event to showcase Latin Culture and the talents of the students of the Spanish Department. • dancing • trivia • free refreshments • free food • singing Friday, March 29 5:30 - 8pm Conron Hall (University College 224)!
FARE FREE LATE NIGHT BUS SERVICE
Pick ups start at 12:30am Last pick up at 3am www.westernusc.ca/transportation
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12 • TUESDAY, MARCH 26, 2019
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gazette crossword
CLUES ACROSS 1. Begetter 6. Arrived extinct 9. Lacking the power to hear 13. Epic 14. Aboriginal Japanese 15. Jar used for cooking 16. British nobleman 17. Smart 18. Israeli stateswoman 19. Outer space matter that reaches the ground 21. Instrument 22. Infections 23. Holiday (informal) 24. Spanish be 25. Not even 28. Chewie’s friend Solo 29. Garments 31. Geological times 33. Music City 36. Cubes 38. Important Chinese principle 39. Closes tightly 41. Forms a boundary 44. Knife 45. Plants of the lily family 46. A turn around the track 48. Midway between northeast and east 49. Type of degree 51. Midway between north and northwest 52. Profession 54. Musical note patterns 56. Deeply cuts 60. Muharraq Island town 61. Emaciation 62. Weaver bird 63. One point east of northeast 64. Scherzer and Kershaw are two 65. Rice dish 66. Nasdaq code 67. Danish krone 68. Enzyme
KAM RAPERSIN GAZETTE CLOWNING AROUND Doug Ford is a Pennywise Conservative, March 25, 2019.
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More than just
THE BEST WESTERN CLOTHING
on campus Greyhound Tickets • LTC Tickets Locker Rental • Event Tickets
CLUES DOWN 1. Carpe __ 2. Wings 3. Loose soil 4. Earnhardt and Jarrett are two 5. 3 feet 6. Fasts 7. Erstwhile 8. Diving seabird 9. Houses 10. Ancient Greek City 11. Type of skirt 12. Greek village 14. Estranges 17. Scottish island 20. Express delight 21. Cosmopolitan city 23. Letter of Hebrew alphabet 25. Largest English dictionary (abbr.) 26. Flow 27. Shoal-forming fishes 29. Footwear parts 30. Schedule of events 32. Songs to one’s sweetheart 34. Test for high schoolers 35. Enthusiasm 37. Streets have them 40. One point east of due south 42. Cut the grass 43. Rattling breaths 47. For each 49. Marketing term 50. One who challenges 52. Sword 53. Polio vaccine developer 55. Film version of “Waterloo Bridge” 56. Want 57. Rhythmic pattern in Indian music 58. Young hawk 59. Harmless 61. Small amount 65. Palladium
For crossword solution, see page 4
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