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Even less love One Love 3.0 draws one student >> pg. 3
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VOLUME 107, ISSUE 93
Whelan missing, presumed kidnapped Iain Boekhoff NEWS EDITOR Police are searching for Pat Whelan, the University Students’ Council president, after his Tinder profile picture was changed to show him tied up with masking tape covering his mouth. J.C. Aubin, operations leader for campus police, said the first theory about the nature of photo was dismissed. “We determined that this was not a consensual sex experiment gone wrong due to the desperate look on his face,” Aubin said. Police have now classified the case as a kidnapping and have honed in on Western Solidarity Network members as prime suspects in his disappearance. Whelan has been missing since the night of the USC’s third One Love Rally, on Saturday March 29, during which protesters from WSN picketed the event as a frivolous waste of students’ money. Aubin said the police were having trouble figuring out just who was involved in WSN due to their horizontal organizational structure with no clear leaders. “WSN did not organize this, it was not a WSN protest — but they do support it — and I am a member of WSN but this is not a WSN protest, I want to be clear on that,” said Jordan Pearson, the not-leader of WSN. When the majority of the USC executive left the One Love at the beginning of the event, they were accosted by the protesters and, according to vice-president finance Spencer Brown, were barely able to get into the limo they had arranged for themselves for the event before heading off to The Ceeps.
TINDER
WHELAN DISAPPEARS. Pat Whelan, president of the University Students’ Council, is missing and presumed kidnapped after the above photo showed up on his Tinder profile over the weekend. Members of the Western Solidarity Network are the prime suspects in the investigation, although so far campus police have been unable to directly link them to the disappearance.
WSN protesters followed them to Ceeps and when the executive were leaving at 1:30 a.m., they were again confronted by the protesters and were split up, tragically having to take only a half-limo each to their homes. All the executive members said they were unconcerned for their dear leader. Vice-president external Amir Eftekarpour said the texts from Whelan stopped at around 3 a.m. “I wasn’t really worried because I figured he just passed out, he was super drunk,” Eftekarpour said. “He had, like, four beers, which is a lot for him.”
WSN member, and definitely not leader, Jordan Coop said WSN members have an alibi for when they left Ceeps. “After politely trying to engage the executive in conversation for a second time at Ceeps, we headed back to a warehouse that we are squatting in and started planning a protest of the Humane Society because they just put a Coca-Cola ad in the lobby,” Coop said. Pearson corroborated Coop’s story, but did say that while they had considered kidnapping Whelan at another meeting of WSN, they did not reach their arbitrary number of
people for quorum. “We were so angry at Pat for betraying students, completely ignoring and rejecting their valid, objective and correct concerns about Western’s strategic plan that we thought we should take drastic action,” Pearson said. “However, we are a democracy and we have to respect the will of whoever shows up to our randomly assembled meetings and we just simply didn’t have the necessary three people for quorum.” Sgt. Aubin said police know the kind of hate WSN members have for Whelan, and that was why they
were focusing their investigation on them, even though they have yet to find any evidence to implicate anyone. “It’s pretty clear they are blinded by some kind of hybrid communisthippie view of the world and considering how right-wing Whelan is, it makes him an easy target,” Aubin said. “However, there is nothing to directly implicate WSN membership at this point in time.” Campus police a re requesting that anyone with information about Whelan’s disappearance should contact their hotline 1-888-SAVEPAT.
Chakma to turn mansion into TA shelter Megan Devlin NEWS EDITOR Amit Chakma, president of Western University, announced yesterday that he will be converting his immense mansion into a homeless shelter to be used by Western’s starving teaching assistants. His mansion, called Gibbons Lodge, rests on 17.6 hectares of forested land. It has its own private LTC stop halfway up the driveway. Chakma said he will be setting up tents throughout his sprawling property, and reserve his mansion
for Western’s own TAs — those with plainly visible ribs and hipbones will have access to the master suite. “After reading Smoth’s Gazette column, ‘Chak this up to inequality,’ I realized the income gap at this university is simply unacceptable,” Chakma said in an interview. “I cannot believe my TAs have to resort to food banks to feed themselves because the salaries I pay them are below the poverty line,” he continued. Chakma plans to rectify the situation by providing free living for his malnourished TAs, and feeding
them breakfast every morning. “If one cannot learn on an empty stomach, one certainly cannot teach,” Chakma said. However, while Chakma’s initiative will be benefitting TAs and the homeless, Western’s sessional professors are not included in the plan. “Technology cannot solve this problem,” Warren Steele tweeted. However, fortunately for Steele, his membership to Luddites United provides opportunities for advancement. Some environmental activists,
particularly Stuart Ruffolo of EnviroWestern, are worried the homeless shelter on Chakma’s land will disrupt the natural ecology. Weldon Park, the name of the land on which Gibbons Lodge is located, is classified as an Environmentally Sensitive Area. The lodge will be re-zoned as a homeless shelter starting in September. The grounds will be covered by the burned tennis tents from last year’s campus fire in the winter. London Mayor Joe Fontana said he hopes this initiative will move
the homeless out of the downtown core and up to North London. “We hope students coming back to Western will feel more safe when they get off the bus at Richmond and Dundas,” Fontana said. “I am so happy to be giving back to the community,” Chakma said. “After my tenure on the Sunshine List, I think it’s time to give back to the 99 per cent.” Chakma made $479,000 last year, and has decided he will use his immense salary to purchase his own home instead of living in his university-provided mansion.
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thegazette • Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Secret Weldon notes mystery finally solved Helfand leaves notes as calling card for his masked vigilante alter-ego
CROSSWORD By Eugene Sheffer
Taylor Lasota GAZETTE
MASKED VIGILANTE. Following a successful ride-along with London police during his election campaign, University Students’ Council president-elect Matt Helfand has begun actively fighting crime. The cryptic notes that have been found in D.B. Weldon Library over the past few weeks were revealed to be his calling card.
Jeremiah Rodriguez NEWS EDITOR On Sunday, Mike Moffatt, associate professor at the Richard Ivey School of Business discovered that Weldon’s cryptic notes were actually the bizarre calling cards of Western’s newest watchful protector. Last night, political science playboy Matthew Horatio Helfand, admitted that he was stepping down as University Students’ Council president-elect to devote himself to fighting evil and being the “champion of the sun.” “The police aren’t the answer — I’m the answer. I’m the way to happiness, you know. I can unite cultures, create realities. I can eat […] planets,” Helfand said. Helfand spoke to The Gazette on the condition that there be no mention of his unflattering yellow bodysuit. He revealed his inspiration stemmed from last week’s police ride-along in the student favelas. “It was a cesspool of sin and stink. That night I saw so many tiny hotplates, sub-par weed, broken plumbing and burning trashcans everywhere. Then, after we left where associate professors were squatting, we visited where students were living,” Helfand said. He spoke with relentless intensity and stressed his proactive approach to crime-fighting. “When people drive by a car accident, I know, I’m the only one that can help. But today, there aren’t a lot of accidents, so sometimes you gotta make accidents. Sometimes, I throw little nails into the streets and I’m the only one that can run out there and stop them.” Vigilantism was not uncommon among graduate students as they
When people drive by a car accident, I know, I’m the only one that can help. But today, there aren’t a lot of accidents, so sometimes you gotta make accidents. Sometimes, I throw little nails into the streets and I’m the only one that can run out there and stop them. — Crimefighter
forage for food and reflect on their terrible life choice they’ve made, hinted Dr. Michael Atkinson, a behavioural professor at Western. “Get out, I already asked you to leave twice. I’m in the middle of a lecture,” Atkinson explained. Police chief Brad Duncan confessed that he was both confused and marginally disappointed. “Any time a vigilante emerges in our fair city, it’s an egregious and mild inconvenience for us,” Duncan said. Normally a paragon of efficiency and relevance, the USC has fallen into disarray with a power vacuum forcing vice-presidents Jen Carter and Emily Addison to each carve up territories across campus. Addison, vice-president internal-elect, is claiming everything west of Social Science and Carter, vice-president external-elect is rumoured to be amassing an army to the east. All-out bloodshed is a virtual certainty. Nineteen of the 57 students
vaguely aware of last month’s USC election have said the presidential position now rightfully belongs to USC presidential runner-up Brian Belman. He reacted to the support with classic enthusiasm and fervour. “Really? Oh,” Belman exclaimed. “Maybe. I mean I guess I could do it.” The chaos has even prompted Western’s president and banjo aficionado Amit Chakma to begin the two-day journey out of his 36-acre compound in London’s north end. Chakma’s caravan is expected to join with a legion of tenured professors on April 3 at UC hill at noon. “I’m getting too old for this [Expletive], Chakma said, through a bevy of lawyers. “Goddamn kids and their yoga pants. Too much freedom for this Hel-fand. Even for him — That’s right, I seen the tabloids.” “I refuse to address slander,” Helfand said. “I’m part of a movement, as a leader you’ll get marginalized. I mean, nobody told me kids would be at that park. That could be anyone’s ass in those pictures.” Despite this reporter never remotely saying “thank you,” Helfand squeezed my wrist painfully and insisted that there was no need to thank him. As he perched on that windowsill preparing to glide out of the three-storey window, he smiled with an unblinking stare. “When I look at people I know, absolutely, that I can help them. That’s not my opinion — that’s fact. Zuckerburg? The Kardashians? Snowden? Those are your gods? That’s not who I serve. No. Lady justice is who I go home to. And truth is the mistress who chokes me to sleep.”
The Cryptoquip is a substitution cipher in which one letter stands for another. If you think that X equals O, it will equal O throughout the puzzle. Single letters, short words and words using an apostrophe give you clues to locating vowels. Solution is by trial and error. © 2002 by Kings Features Syndicate, Inc.
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thegazette • Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Third One Love rally draws one student
Winnie Lu GAZETTE
PEACE, LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING AND STUFF. The third One Love event of the year was held on Saturday, this time drawing only one attendee — first-year student Garrett Hop Hop, pictured. Despite the sparse attendance, USC officials said the event was a success, calling it “more intimate.” About $200,000 was lost on the event.
Richard Raycraft NEWS EDITOR The University Students’ Council held its third One Love Rally of the year Saturday. Unlike the disaster of late November, this rally proved a surprising success. One doe-eyed student packed into Alumni Hall. The event featured motivational speaker Tony Robbins, who encourage the excited attendee to yell “YES” at the top of his lungs, and Dr. Phil, who constantly urged the student to “get real.” Garett Hop Hop, a first-year student and sole One Love attendee, explained the experience. “It was just about inclusiveness and hugging and students’ struggle
in an unkind world,” he explained vaguely. “And yeah, other stuff too.” Though Hop Hop was let in for free, the USC did actually sell some tickets. “I would assume we sold, like, 25 tickets,” Adam Smith, vicepresident student events at the USC, assumed. “They were $300 at Western Connections and $700 at the door, because we wanted to make sure we could hand out as many for free as possible, so I would call those people who purchased them suckers.” None of the suckers who purchased tickets made it to the event. It was of course hosted by MTV personality Jessi Cruickshank, because God knows no one else in the world could possibly do
I would say that, generally, if you think One Love was a waste of time and money you are an advocate of mental illness. That’s what I took away from it. — Garret Hop Hop
Sole attendee of One Love 3.0
it. The USC emphasized this to Cruickshank when she said that she was booked, and enticed her with $30,000 of students’ money. “I’d say in total we lost about $200,000 on the event,” Spencer Brown, vice-president finance for the USC, told The Gazette after much prompting. “The point of the event was so that students could feel like they were one with the universe for a couple hours — so it’s not about the money.” “Hindsight is always 20/20,” Brown later admitted. Jas Irwin, vice-president communications at the USC, said that she considered the event a success, since having only one attendee made it “more intimate.” “We made sure to hand out as
many free tickets as possible, but that’s their loss if they didn’t come,” she said. “We made sure to throw a few threats in if they dare suggest they didn’t want to live in an O-Week atmosphere for their entire lives here at Western — that’s just the USC way.” The USC handed out so many tickets on the house that at one council meeting USC presidentelect Matt Helfand made it rain One Love tickets, because why the fuck not. “I would say that, generally, if you think One Love was a waste of time and money you are an advocate of mental illness. That’s what I took away from it,” Hop Hop explained.
USC re-institutes Project LEARN Iain Boekhoff NEWS EDITOR Just when you thought it was over, Project LEARN is back with a vengeance thanks to your University Students’ Council executive slate of president Pat Whelan, vice-president external Amir Eftekharper and vice-president internal Sam Krishnapillai. Eftekharper boasted that it was his tireless advocacy to London police on behalf of the USC that was the reason for Project LEARN 2.0, which features Orwellian surveillance of students and increased punishment for their heinous crimes. “I just want to say that, like, I totally did it, it was all me,” Eftekharper said. Project LEARN, which stands for compLete disrEgard for All Rights and commoNsense, draws its inspiration from a similar — though less harsh — program in North Korea. The goal of the program is to stop students from having any fun and to be obedient towards authority. This means no partying, no drinking, no drugs, no dancing, no music and no colourful clothing. New by-laws include surveillance of all student-to-student interactions, microchips inserted in all students to track their whereabouts and an increase from a zero-tolerance to negative one tolerance policy. This will ensure students never have the
opportunity to have fun and if they try to, they will be quickly rounded up and thrown in jail. Whelan expressed his pivotal role in the institution of Project LEARN 2.0. “First off, I just want to say that I credit myself with all the hard work that Amir put in,” Whelan said. “This is literally all my idea and without my advocacy to Amir, he would have never advocated to the police, so job well done by me for having the vision to do that.” “Anyways, these changes are what is needed at Western to really bring up the quality of students’ lives,” he added. Furthermore, a special police squad has been created to deal with anyone who challenges these new laws called Get Everyone to Stop Thinking And Punish Offenders, or GESTAPO for short. Eftekharper said he was especially proud of a special deal struck with the hugely popular democratically elected North Korean leader Kim Jong-un whereby students caught within 100 metres of alcohol will have the option of working as a sessional professor when they graduate or they can be deported to a labour camp in North Korea. Project LEARN 2.0 is also retroactive, meaning Western’s entire cheerleading team is now on death row for “corrupting the minds of the youth by spreading cheer, happiness and hope to students.”
Eftekharper explained that research backs the need for Project LEARN 2.0, referencing a report from the Ontario Undergraduate Student Alliance — of which which he is also the totalitarian dictator — that found that more police involvement and zero-tolerance policies actually work to deter students from having fun. “I think this is a great development, I mean it really makes sense that students need to be controlled by the police and punished appropriately for trying to do anything disruptive,” said a student at large, who was found with his head in the sand. “The idea is more punishment is necessary to reign in students and try to get them to be as much alike as possible so they don’t cause any trouble,” Eftekharper said. Whelan agreed, saying police need to be able to do their jobs without any oversight from the community, who don’t know about the dangers students pose because it is classified as national security. “It’s something we campaigned on and I was personally very disappointed in the fall when the police ticketed our cheerleaders for cheerleading in the street, not because it was wrong to ticket them, but because international media caught wind of it and everyone was mad for some reason,” Whelan ranted. “I mean, the police can’t even do their jobs anymore, that is how politically correct our society has become.”
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thegazette • Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Arts&Life
tuesdaytweet Justin Trudeau needs to watch his fucking mouth #libshit
—@pmharper, Stephen Harper, prime minister of Canada
Children’s Cinderella play a disastrous bore Robert Nanni Jr. GAZETTE STAFF HFFFF The Children Perform: Cinderella Director: Joanne Johnson With the promise of a masterful performance, London’s Grand Theatre is hosting a classic play with a twist — Cinderella: For the children, by the children. This adaptation of such a vintage tale claims to be laden with “cool acting” and an “awsome cast,” as per the handmade posters draped around London’s local elementary schools. Having a runtime of 48 minutes, the play has a cast comprised of 18 adorable kindergarteners, each showing potential as a Huggies poster child. While a majority of the characters played miscellaneous cameo roles, the five spoken roles were definitely occasional points of interest. “Overall, it could have been worse,” director, kindergarten teacher and currently relapsing alcoholic Joanne Johnson falsely claimed. “Despite what went wrong, some things were okay, I guess.” However what those “some things” are, the audience may never know. The story itself was
portrayed with less clear direction than information from Apple Maps. Did Cinderella find her prince? Because she sure as hell had trouble finding her local GoodLife Fitness. If the moral of the play was “the lack of impact that Hollywood media is having on the women of today,” then change the rating to five stars immediately. The singing may have been the silver lining to the play, as the horrendous noise masked the wailing sobs of disappointment emanating from attendant parents. Dismayed audience members silently snuck out for a “coffee” or a “business call” during the intermission, leaving their children, cousins and grandchildren wondering where their beloved families were sitting. “I was right there, honey!” said Robert Browney, father to the very pertinent character of Tree #2. “You were a great actress, best rock I’ve ever seen.” Also attending last night’s train wreck was Joe Fontana, mayor of London and avid play-watcher. Though refusing to comment, a phone call of his was overheard in which he resigned from his position and offered it to Rob Ford, claiming that “London needs a mayor that understands this level
Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
CHILDREN WERE STUPID AND COULDN’T ACT. Unsurprisingly the underdeveloped brains of the child actors failed to impress. The audience barely choked back boos when the dancing bees came onstage.
of debauchery.” Chock full of broken dreams and sadness, there may not be a single salvageable thing about this play. If anything, the worst part of this performance may have been
the kiss between Cinderella and her prince: Where was the passion, the lust, the desire? As poorly executed as the remainder of the play, the kiss is simply one example of the
never-ending list of failures this production has compiled. Just like every line attempted to be delivered, the London community prays that this play will be long forgotten.
>> Ask Suzie > Relationship Advice
for white wine, it’s not terrible as long as it tastes like juice. It also doesn’t matter if it comes in a box or a bottle because it all tastes the same. Everyone knows it, but wants to appear classy, including myself, which you all fell for. As for whiskey, it tastes so bad most people don’t even pretend to like it. The fumes are overwhelming and it burns your mouth and throat. Beyond that, it tastes a bit like woody cough syrup, and who the hell would drink that for pleasure? The ruse here involves looking tough and sophisticated simultaneously while suppressing grimaces of disgust. How anyone could actually believe this disgusting fluid could be enjoyed for pleasure is beyond me. So why have I done this? Why the trickery and the dozens and dozens of articles? Well, I’ve wanted to teach you all an important lesson. Don’t believe everything you read, in the newspaper or on the Internet. Most people are out for attention or to market a product, and want to take advantage of you. Thank you for participating in my experiment, and don’t bother to sip it slow. I know you’d rather not sip it at all. — Cam “Don’t Call Me Smoth”Smith
Come volunteer for The Gazette. We’re all barely functioning alcoholics and need some fresh blood. UCC 263
Grr bark grr woof woof, bark bark bark grrrr? Ruf grrrr bark bark! Grrr grrrr bark woof bark. Ruf, grrr bark bark woof woof bark grr ruf, ruf grrr bark woof. Bark grrr bark bark woof grrrrr ruf ruff! Bark, bark bark. Grrrr, bark bark bark. Bark bark woof grrrrr, Grr bark grr woof ruf grrr bark woof. Suzie, I suspect my girlfriend has been cheating on me. She’s been acting really distant lately, and she seems to be protecting her phone more than usual. She spends a lot of time hanging out with “friends” who I’ve never met, and I’m starting to get suspicious. How do I approach this, without seeming like a total dick if I’m wrong?
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Bark, bark bark. Grrrr, bark bark bark. Bark bark grrrrrrrrrr bark bark. Grrrr woof. Ruf, grrr bark bark woof woof bark grr ruf, woof woof bark ruf! Bark ruf, grrrr grrrrrr. Bark bark bark. Grrrr bark, woof ruf woof bark ruf grrrr. Grrrr bark woof bark. woof woof bark, bark bark grrrrrrrrrr bark bark Suzie is a dog. She shares free relationship advice, dating tips and more.
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This Sipping with Smoth is my most important — and my last. I’ve decided to come clean with a secret, one which I’ve kept so as to retain my captive audience. And it’s this: I don’t like alcohol, and frankly I don’t believe anyone really does. Sipping with Smoth has been a bit of a social experiment. Will people actually think I appreciate alcohol if I mimic tasters and critics? Will people agree with my random and arbitrary recommendations? Will anyone call me out for my ludicrous and falsified tasting notes? So far, no — I’ve preached to a gullible audience. Beer is gross, and you all know it. It’s bitter, kind of sickly sweet at times and gives you terrible gut rot. In what planet does beer actually taste better than pop? The only reason you drink beer is because it’s been portrayed in the media as looking cool, and you can get a buzz after four of them. Wine is revolting and everyone knows it. Honestly, red wine is so bitter and acidic it leaves your mouth literally puckered. Who could actually appreciate the taste? Further, all those “tasting notes” I write? Fake, and so are the ones from hundreds of other critics who comment on the subject. As
Suzie, my boyfriend and I are moving in soon. We’re both really excited, but at the same time I’m worried that I might get sick of spending so much time with him before long. What do I do if I start to get irritated by his habits? What if he never leaves the seat down and doesn’t wash his dishes?
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thegazette • Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Has school ever made you so mad you wanted to kill someone? Has school ever made you so mad you ever actually killed someone? Probably. But what to do with a corpse on campus? Disposal can get tricky, as Western is often abuzz with students and faculty who don’t take kindly to brutal acts of murder at their university. Don’t worry though, The Gazette’s got your back. We understand that when shit gets real and you need to grab a shovel, you’re going to want to be discreet enough to avoid a jail sentence. Without further ado, enjoy the picks provided by your trusted Gazette editors. After some… “experimentation” we’ve devised the best places to conceal your corpse. And don’t worry, we don’t snitch.
NO LONGER SMOTH’S PICKS
MARY ANN’S PICKS
BRENT’S PICKS
BRADLEY’S PICKS
KEVIN’S PICKS
Hide your body in: The Thames River
Hide your body in: Statistics lecture hall
Hide your body in: Weldon Library
Hide your body in: Forest near the old Ivey Building
Hide your body in: Conference room in UCC
Okay so you have a body to dispose of, and you have to do it discreetly on campus. Well, frankly, you probably should have planned a little better, because you’re in a tricky spot. However, after extensive research (and a late, damp night) I’ve determined the best place to hide a corpse is startlingly obvious — our very own Thames river.
A couple hundred students shuffle into the large lecture hall every Monday morning, muted, heads down, sucking down coffee as their lifeblood. Among the throngs of these zombie students a dead body would easily blend in. Throw some sunglasses and a baseball cap on your corpse of choice and sling its arm around your neck — suddenly it’s not a dead body any more, it’s just one more Western student who went a bit too hard at Karaoke last night.
We’ve all been in the position where we have to hide a body, whether it’s a roommate who plays music too late or a TA who fails your latest essay. When hiding a body, dumping it in the Thames or the woods may be tempting but it is the first place everyone will think to hide a body and thus the first place they look.
After I get in a really bad mood, sometimes I just get a little aggressive. Once my mood becomes sunnier, I deal with the pesky residual material — the body.
Some would have you think that the key to hiding a body is secrecy — concealing your deceased companion somewhere dark, hidden and isolated. The real trick, however, is placing the body in places that no one would ever want to go to. As such, for the best place to hide a body on campus I suggest the USC conference rooms on the third floor of the UCC. These rooms are guaranteed no traffic, namely because booking any of them means undergoing a tedious and bureaucratic process that few are willing to see through. Additionally, there are several objects in the rooms that lend well to obscuring a corpse, namely the unnecessarily large conference tables and the white canisters that appear to be garbage cans but in reality have no clear purpose.
I know, too obvious. But that’s where you get clever. First, put the body in a hockey bag for transport (or a duffel if your victim is diminutive) and drag them to the river. Then, you’ll need to blow up a few Ziplock freezer bags and seal them almost shut. Leave a small gap for air to escape slowly. Throw in three or four of these bags in with the body, and set it adrift, pushing it out towards the middle of the Thames for maximum current. The bags will keep the body afloat long enough for the evidence to drift a ways downriver, confusing potential authorities — if they ever find it, that is, because once the bags deflate the body will sink and, voila! Murder concealed.
— Cam “No Longer Smoth” Smith
Prop your pal up in the chair beside you and allow its head to comfortably sink on its neck to continue its eternal slumber. If you’re feeling theatrical, nudge your buddy occasionally and shake your head in amused disdain when the corpse doesn’t wake up. When someone finally notices that the bar star has failed to move from the class for the past couple lectures, perhaps noticing a more than usual rotten smell emitting from it, you have a cover story — you’ll tell police, “he told me, ‘one more stats class and I’ll either die of boredom or kill myself.’” Who wouldn’t believe it?
— Mary Ann Ciosk
The best place to hide a body is a place that not only keeps it hidden from snooping noses, but also where you can continue to benefit from this person’s failure to be alive — let’s face it, they’re already inconveniencing you by making you hide the body in the first place! With thousands of students being driven into a death-like state, Weldon library provides the perfect location to hide a body. Simply position your unfortunate victim with their head buried in a book and they will look no different from any other students in the library. Better yet, with an actual body in the chair you can continue to make use of the body by using it to hold your spot when studying — that way you have a guaranteed seat during exam season.
— Brent Holmes
Finding that perfect place is often difficult but once you have a routine, you find that one continuous spot really does the job. For me, that spot is the wooded area near Talbot College and the old Ivey Building. Now let me sell you on this spot — it’s all about location, location, location! It’s right in the middle of campus, but so secluded. What this means for you is a smaller blood trail to clean up because travel distance is minimized. Also, let me tell you, the soil is very fertile and soft. It’s almost simultaneous that once you dig and throw the body in a sufficient hole, the weeds will grow! Like magic, a murder begins to hide itself in six to eight weeks. Still haven’t convinced you? Well, if you look at the worst-case scenario — you’re caught. Awful, I know. That said; imagine the scandal that will dominate the news! They will have found a body in the middle of campus! You might as well start a family like Charles Manson.
To really ensure that confused and lost students won’t stumble their way into your new morgue, place a few signs on the door that would discourage entrance. Statements proven to drive students away include “Give USC feedback inside,” “Learn more about applying to the USC,” and the thoroughly tested, “Come in to write for The Gazette.”
— Kevin Hurren
— Bradley Metlin
Spongebob Squarepants Nickelodeon’s hit series Spongebob Squarepants returns for its 10th season this April. nomintaed for 15 Emmy award, the show has become a staple in Children’s television since its inception in 1999.
However, this week, everything will change in Bikini Bottom. Rumour has it that Spongebob creator, Stephen Hillenburg has decided to take the series in a new direction. An avid fan of shows such as Breaking Bad and The Wire, Hillenburg will be giving the show a
new format coming this spring. He has confirmed that Patrick Star will be killed off and the show will deal with Spongebob coping the loss of his best friend as things take a dark turn in the underwater town. Rumours are already swirling of HBO picking up the series for an 11th season next year. Bryan Cranston has already been confirmed to voice Bikini Bottom king-pin Mr. Krabs. Dolly Parton will be assuming the role of Sandy Cheeks, who after many failed research studies under her dome, has run out of funding and is forced
to prostitute herself in the inner city of Bikini Bottom. Squidward will be played by Alan Rickman, formerly of Harry Potter fame, and will act as Krabs’ sidekick in their drug operations in the Krusty Krab. Patrick Star’s death will certainly affect all the characters in this new crime drama. Hillenburg is adamant that the switch to drama was to boost ratings for kids who “want to see the real world”. Will this tactic work? Tune in tonight at 10:30p.m. to watch the hour-long premiere on Nickelodeon. — Mike Laine
Courtesy of Nickelodeon Animation
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thegazette • Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Opinions
“As far as I’m concerned, it’s a damned shame that a field as potentially dynamic and vital as journalism should be overrun with dullards, bums and hacks, hag-ridden with myopia, apathy, and complacence, and generally stuck in a bog of stagnant mediocrity.”
— Hunter S. Thompson
Gazette regrets Sex Issue gets gayer endorsement (yes, it is possible)
On February 11, The Gazette Editorial Board published our official endorsement of Team Helfand in the University Students’ Council elections. But after carefully considering the tirade of verbal abuse heaped upon us by supporters of Team Belman in the wake of that endorsement, we wish to apologize for publishing that filth, and retract it without reservation. By endorsing a candidate in the USC election, we abused our position as the only media outlet of any kind on campus. Perhaps if there were other studentrun publications, or a radio station staffed by student volunteers, or a YouTube talk show hosted by students, our conduct would have been less egregious. But as literally the only student publication at Western, by endorsing a political candidate we desecrated the sanctity of the election — of democracy itself. When voter turnout was reported to be only 19.6 per cent, we realized immediately that we must be to blame; incensed voters must have stayed home in droves, rather than participate in a sullied election. It is common practice for reputable newspapers to publish endorsements during election campaigns; the Globe and Mail has endorsed a candidate in every general election since 1940. This was the flawed logic we used to justify our decision. But it was not until we opened ourselves to the criticism of online commenters — those paragons of rationality and intellect — that we saw the glaring hole in this line of reasoning. “This just in — The Gazette is not, and never will be the Toronto Star! Too bad the Gazette staff can’t be convinced of this,” said one particularly insightful commenter known to us only as “Sophia.” Sophia was right. Between the professional quality of The Gazette and the inflated egos of everyone who works here, it is sometimes easy for us to forget that we aren’t a national paper, but a humble four-days-aweek campus rag. It was foolish of us to hold ourselves to professional standards when we can barely manage to show up to work sober. Another commenter, Chris, put it even more bluntly: “The Gazette and all its writers are stupid people who shame UWO,” he said. “I really hope you guys get fired.” Unfortunately, no one at The Gazette was fired over the endorsement. But Chris is right. Though we didn’t get fired, we hope to offer Chris some solace by announcing the resignation of the three front office members of The Gazette. We’re sorry we let you down. — The Gazette Editorial Board
An infinity in Kevin
Kevin Hurren SUPREMELY GAY EDITOR Earlier this term, The Gazette faced criticisms for its controversial Sex Issue. The issue, featuring intimate photos and sexually explicit articles was deemed by some students and community members as “too gay.” In an attempt to make these voices feel heard, The Gazette has decided to release a second Sex Issue. This time, however, the issue will not struggle to find a balance between heterosexual and homosexual content — namely because it will be exclusively gay. To that end, a committee has been struck, and as the head of the gays at The Gazette, I will be acting as chair. The Gay Gazette Committee (or “Gayzette”) will work tirelessly to offer Western the best queer propaganda possible. With our plans, we’re fairly confident that this issue will put The Gazette on top — but only when wearing a condom. In fact, Sex Issue 2.0 will not only have a strict homo-only mission, but will also keep all material focused on man-toman intercourse ensuring maximum gayness. This direction will manifest itself in several editorial decisions. First, all models who appear in the Sex Issue will need to provide documented evidence of prior homosexual activity. Striving for the best quality, we will not accept resumes that include drunken experimentation, homo-erotic locker room embraces or anything involving the Catholic Church. We want models who not only bought Lady Gaga’s album ARTPOP, but pre-ordered it and memorized the lyrics. We want our models so flaming that they could catch fire at any
To the Editor: As someone who has read every issue of The Gazette this year, I would like to express my utter disappointment. Despite various attempts at journalistic integrity, our school’s newspaper has failed us time and time again. First and foremost, The Gazette has burned through thousands of student dollars this year. They have thrown
Volume 107, Issue 93 www.westerngazette.ca
Julian Uzielli Editor-In-Chief Cameron M. Smith Deputy Editor Jason Sinukoff Managing Editor
Contact: www.westerngazette.ca University Community Centre Rm. 263 The University of Western Ontario London, ON, CANADA N6A 3K7 Editorial Offices: (519) 661-3580 Advertising Dept.: (519) 661-3579
The Gazette is owned and published by the University Students’ Council.
@OUSA Dear @jen_lynn_carter, we’re ready to accept your candidacy for OUSA president. You said that’s something you wanted to do, right? @patrickdwhelan Planning on proposing to @BresciaGirl this week. Wish me luck everyone! #nervous #loveatfirsttweet @PresWesternU Rave at my mansion this weekend! Admission requirements: Buck and Wild!!!! No scrubs. Living for my bitches #LIVE @EmThithecott To increase @western_usc’s visibility, as the new VP Comm I will shave Spoke and Wave events into my hair. @USC_PeerSupport What am I again? @SamKrish_ Attention @westernu: There will be ANOTHER One Love Rally at the end of this term! #OneLove #LoveIsLove #USC #SafeSpace #Ally #Pride #Support #WereHereForYou #Summer Follow and tweet your thoughts to @uwogazette
Letter to the Editor
Gazette lacks on all accounts
thegazette
moment. In other words, when our models gather for the photo shoot we want a rainbow to gently form above their perfectly conditioned and styled heads. But a truly queer Sex Issue means more than just collecting the gays, it means celebrating them. As such, Sex Issue 2.0 will feature practical and nuanced articles like “Getting to the bottom of bottoming,” “The persistent foe of body hair,” and, of course, “Hand jobs: Putting those limp wrists to good use.” Other content will include detailed and comprehensive definitions of gay slang such as “Bear,” “Twink” and “Bradley Metlin.” Additionally, The Gazette will de-mystify concerns of the heterosexual majority by finally and fully publishing the Gay Agenda, all the way from “8:00 a.m. — Wake up, put clothes on and go home,” to “10:00 p.m. — finish protein drink, neatly fold designer skinny jeans and introduce yourself to the man you’re lying next to.” To capitalize on space in the paper and to make sure that every inch is gayer than a Cher concert, The Gazette has also reached out to local businesses to ensure our ads are also queer. Because of this, everyone who picks up a copy of the Sex Issue will also be gifted with a coupon for the regional bathhouse, a promo code for Grindr Plus, and a directory of psychiatrists who specialize in unconscious aggression towards absent father figures. So with all of this, will Sex Issue 2.0 be gay enough? Absolutely not — and much like a gay will say after sniffing some poppers and finishing his umbrelladecorated drink, “we can go deeper.” When you open this second Sex Issue, penis shaped confetti and glitter will cascade from the pages, decorating the floor of the UCC as well as other campus buildings. Students will find themselves brushing penises off their clothes for days, finally understanding what going to Lavish, London’s gay club, feels like.
Tweets of the week
This is the April Fool’s edition of The Gazette. All articles, letters, photographs and graphics in The Gazette today are intended to be satirical. All articles in today’s edition, without exception, were fabricated for the purpose of humour and satire, and are not to be taken as truth. No sources were contacted for the purpose of writing the articles in this edition. All opinions published in today’s issue are satirical and do not represent the opinions of the author, The Gazette, its editors or staff, or the USC. Happy April Fools Day!
away our hard-earned cash on numerous selfish perks such as pizza ovens, Gucci hoodies, Swarovski-crystal rulers and champagne-filled water-coolers. Due to this, the USC needs to seriously reevaluate The Gazette’s budget, which — according to my informed sources — currently sits at $1,643,000 a year. To save money, The Gazette should consider firing some of the 50-fulltime employees they currently staff. Employees who, I heard one time in the JBR’s line, are receiving a 38 per cent pay hike for the 2014–2015 year. The USC is wasting our student time and money on this truly undeserving publication. Do you know what The Toronto Star did last year? They sent some of their editors to Uganda to
Gazette Composing & Gazette Advertising Ian Greaves, Manager Robert Armstrong
Diana Watson
Gazette Staff 2013-2014
Christine Bonk, Sarah Botelho, Tabitha Chan, Jonathan Dunn, Spencer Fairweather, Conrad Floryan, Sam Frankel, Jennafer Freeman, Janice Fung, Stephanie Grella, Dorothy Kessler, Kevin Heslop, Jenny Jay, Nathan Kanter, Katie Lear, Emory Liu, Haida Liu, Winnie Lu, Cheryl Madliger, Sara Mai Chitty, Soheil Milani, Mackenzie Morrison, Robert Nanni Jr., Amy O’Kruk, Vidhant Pal, Lily Robinson, Morgann Sampson, Alex Seger, Tiffany Shepherd, Hamza Tariq, Tristan Wu, Olivia Zollino
News Richard Raycraft Megan Devlin Iain Boekhoff Jeremiah Rodriguez Arts & Life Brent Holmes Mary Ann Ciosk Bradley Metlin Sports Daniel Weryha Nusaiba Al-Azem Caitlin Martin Newnham Opinions Kevin Hurren
cover the malaria outbreak. The Globe and Mail? They travelled to Syria to interview soldiers mid-war. What do our editors do? They sit back in their leather chairs and e-mail people about local measles outbreaks instead of getting out there and covering the stories that matter. As such, I motion to remove USC affiliations with The Gazette until they draft a plan of action to effectively utilize funds that we all pay into. If our student-run paper cannot meet the quality The Star, The Globe, or any other multi-million dollar paper, then it simply isn’t worth the effort. — Ian Greaves Gazette composing manager, wretched old man
Associate Kaitlyn McGrath Aaron Zaltzman Photography Bill Wang Kelly Samuel Taylor Lasota Graphics Naira Ahmed Illustrations Christopher Miszczak John Prata Online Jesica Hurst Graphics/Video Mike Laine
• Please recycle this newspaper •
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thegazette • Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Sports
factattack Lirim Hajrullahu, the kicker/punter for the Mustangs football team, is Hawaiian. After years of denying it, the “Hlyin’ Hawaiian” has finally accepted his heritage.
Rundown >> The Mustangs men’s hockey team is out of commission next year > after collectively watching the movie Happy Gilmore just two nights ago, the team decided to try their hands at golf.
Western intramurals: Newer, better, crazier Quidditch success spurs five new intramural sports Caitlin Martin Newnham SPORTS EDITOR After the huge success of Quidditch — the intramural game popularized by J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series — this year, Western Recreation announced five new intramural sports to be added to the roster for next year. The list includes underwater ultimate Frisbee, blind street hockey, fire soccer, equestrian water polo, and pogo-stick basketball. “I think these new additions will spark interest in intramural athletes looking for a challenge to take them to the next level,” Tony von Richter, media and communications manager for Mustangs recreation, said. Underwater ultimate Frisbee will require all players to get their scuba diving certification, since athletes will have to stay underwater for the duration of the hourlong games. “I don’t think the scuba diving will be a problem. I’m more concerned about getting enough force behind the Frisbee so it will move further than a foot forward in the water,” Jared Dodge, player for Western’s “vanilla” ultimate Frisbee team, said. “I’m totally going to play the sport, but I’ll be bench pressing three times a day until the season starts so I have the brute force to send that puppy sailing through the water.” Athletes also have the opportunity to play blind street hockey, in which they will be sporting a large box on their head that will not only take away their vision, but also hinder their ability to hear. In addition, the weight of the box will cause players to wobble from sideto-side, forcing them to hone their
balancing skills. “The boxes look pretty bad-ass,” said Kale Supe, an eager arts and humanities student who is planning to sign up or the sport. “I’m so good at street ball that I doubt I’ll need to see or hear, but the great thing is that the box will protect me from other players who suck and will run into me.” The box will inevitably cause collisions within the game, but the 18-inches wide by 22-inches tall cubed headgear will provide a barricade to prevent injuries.
I think these new additions will spark interest in intramural athletes looking for a challenge to take them to the next level. — Tony von Richter
Media and communications manager for Mustangs recreation
Fire soccer will involve igniting the posts, ball and sidelines on fire for the duration of the game. Goalies will have the obstacle of having to avoid the heat of the net until the last second to prevent setting themselves on fire. In addition, players will have to coat their cleats with soap so their feet don’t go up in flames. Referees will be giving out penalties to any player that catches fire as an incentive to avoid burn wounds. Garden hoses will be set up around the fields in case of emergencies, but the game will go
on even if players are set aflame. “The concept scares the shit out of me,” Amanda Dickons, physiology student, said. “But I’m an adrenaline junkie and soccer enthusiast, so I don’t mind having to endure a couple burns here and there for the thrill of it.” For competitors who shy away from fire, Campus Recreation is offering a variation of the existing game of inner tube water polo. “Equestrian water polo is exactly the same as inner tube water polo, however, your horse is your flotation device instead of an inner tube,” von Richter explains. The equestrian club will be providing horses for the new intramural sport, but they have their reservations about how successful the game will be. “Some of the horses can’t really swim… so players will need to choose their horses wisely,” Chad Remington, noted horse breeder, said. “We don’t have enough horses that can swim for every player, so some athletes will have to deal with that obstacle. We’re just hoping that they play in the shallow end for the sake of the horses.” Finally, Campus Recreation will be adding pogo-stick basketball, which would theoretically give vertically challenged players an advantage; however, the net will be 40 feet tall instead of the regulation 10-foot high hoop. This alteration is meant to account for the vertical of a pogo-stick bounce. “I love pogo-sticks,” Quinn Henderson, guard for the Mustang Varsity basketball team. So for those that are vying for a purple shirt next year, think long and hard about whether these new sports are for you.
Caitlin Martin Newnham GAZETTE
NEVER LOOKED MORE ATTRACTIVE! A random Western student sporting the new headgear for blind hockey intramurals. Blind hockey, along with four other, more extreme intramural leagues, will be available for play next year. These leagues were created due to the extreme success that was enjoyed by Western’s Quidditch league this year.
Recognizing our hard work Nusaiba Al-Azem SPORTS EDITOR In a surprising gesture of appreciation, the head coaches of varsity athletic teams at Western collectively combined to write the sports editors of The Gazette a beautiful thank-you note. The concept was originally conceived of by ex-cross country team coach Bob Vigars, who retired this season. “I just thought to myself — it’s so great that these students take time to chase after athletes and coaches for their comments all the time,” Vigars said. “I mean, just imagine having to hunt for quotes with a 4 p.m. deadline every day in between classes and jobs and other commitments. That takes amazing timemanagement skills.” Some athletes have also contributed to the campaign by pitching in for a lifetime supply of batteries for office recorders, in hopes
that they never die mid-interview. Most notable contributors would be members of the rowing team, who were exceedingly satisfied with their coverage in the paper this year. Other athletes include football quarterback Will Finch, as well as the entire squash team. “Every time I’m out on the field playing in bad weather, I look over and find a Gazette reporter shivering in the cold and frantically scribbling notes. I’ll just stop for a minute to appreciate that they’re volunteers who dedicate periods of their life to documenting my athletic experiences before seamlessly throwing the ball for a touchdown,” Finch said. “That’s pretty cool.” The note, written by Vigars himself, featured a poem entitled “We know you try, and we care.” The sonnet was filled with flowery language, and the card ended with a quote from Mother Teresa. In fact, the sports section’s coverage this year has been highly
regarded, and not only by varsity athletes and coaches. Rogers Inc. recently approached sports editor Nusaiba Al-Azem about joining the Hockey Night in Canada cast alongside soon-to-be host George Stroumboulopoulos. “Well, we read in one of her columns that she’s a hockey fan, and she has a bit of experience as a sports reporter, so we figure why not include fresh faces? She’s a fan, after all. What could go wrong?” Representative for the company Tim McKay said. McKay explained that the job offer was both a result of excellent judgment on the part of Rogers Inc., as well as the stellar sports reporting done this year. Many coaches think this could be The Gazette’s best sports year ever. “I don’t even know how The Gazette could ever cover sports this well next year,” Vigars said. “The new editors have big — nay, gigantic shoes to fill.”
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thegazette • Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Western Mustangs own “Bountygate” OUA suspends football team for alleged bounty scandal Daniel Weryha SPORTS EDITOR Ontario University Athletics has suspended their Yates Cup — winning Western Mustangs football team after OUA officials discovered a bounty program authorized by the coaching staff. The bounty program, which was installed at the start of the regular season, encouraged defensive players to injure top-tier opponents by offering fantastic rewards. Like the New Orleans Saints’ “bountygate,” players earned star rankings based on the frequency of the injuries they inflicted to opposing teams. A higher star rating meant a higher reward at the end of the month. Rewards ranged from free hotdogs all the way to a player’s picture being photoshopped onto a Cheerios box. “It just makes you just wanna play hard and shit,” one of the many Marshalls that are on the team said. “We knew the program was in a morally gray area but the rewards were just too good — steak dinners at The Keg, riding the Mustang horse on game day. I even got Marble Slab after practice.” As the season wore on, certain players increased in value. “You fool me once, shame on you, you fool me twice, shame on me. This is a moot point though, because I never get fooled. Never!” rambled safety Max Power, about an injured player he wouldn’t name. Players refused to cooperate with investigators as they failed to see the severity of the issue. “I don’t see what the problem is, we’re just trying to give the fans
Jonathan Dunn GAZETTE
‘STANG SANDWICH! Western Mustangs defensive back Simon Bahru lighting up the receiver. Though specific players have yet to be named, the speculation is that the entire Mustangs defence is involved in the scandal. According to OUA official Roger Goodell, failure to cooperate with the investigation will be treated as direct involvement.
what they want,” he said. Though investigators have not pointed to any specific incidents, they are reviewing complaints filed against the Mustangs by opposing coaches during the past three seasons. “We have a loosely connected string of evidence that points to foul play,” Roger Goodell, retired NFL commissioner turned current
president of OUA football operations, said. “Late hits after the whistle, subtle punches to the genitalia in a scrum. It’s all there, we just need to piece it together.” The idea was first proposed two seasons ago by former Mustangs’ bruiser Ivan Ahityou. Ahityou, who was known for his questionably aggressive play, believed the Mustangs lacked truculence.
“Sometimes you just need to set the tone, tune a guy up so that they know you’re for real,” Ahityou said. “It was also just more fun than the game itself.” In 2012, the Mustangs struggled to pull their season back together when it fell apart after the injury to quarterback Donnie Marshall. The injury that many believed to be intentional happened on
a seemingly harmless play. In response to the ankle injury, the coaching staff suggested an incentive-based program to get revenge. It didn’t matter the opponent, whether the person was a player or a spectator — everyone was fair game. “Good teams find a way to win, and this was ours,” a man in the shadows that sounded a lot like Mustangs’ linebacker Beau Landry said. Defensive coordinator Guy Incognito was suspended indefinitely for his direct connection to the program. Incognito and his defence met in secret to discuss rules and suitable incentives at the beginning of the season. Whether or not Marshall was informed of the meeting has yet to be determined. After its successful implementation by the defence early in the season, even players on special teams and the offence took part in the bounty program as well, even though trying to injure while on offence resulted in no success and numerous penalties. “There were times I would throw the ball hard, and wide of my receiver hoping I would injure someone,” Steve Bennett, Mustangs’ fourth-string quarterback, said. “Unfortunately all I got out of it was tons of interceptions against and an angry ref that values his face.” The exact number of injuries caused by the bounty program is still unknown as the team refused to turn over any evidence directly singling out players, but the OUA is confident that the number is at least one.
Monstars responsible for Clarkson’s play New theory perfectly explains abysmal performance Aaron Zaltzman ASSOCIATED EDITOR Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment has appealed to the greater public for help in locating a magical puck containing the missing talent of right wing David Clarkson, their marquee free agent of the 2013 offseason. Investigators believe the player’s hockey ability was stolen sometime in September by a group of aliens called the Monstars using a magical puck. “It’s our best theory right now,” said Dave Nonis, general manager of the Leafs and lead investigator on the case. “I mean, the guy had a lot of goals before and now he suddenly doesn’t. How else do you explain that?” The Mimico native had 30 goals in 2011–12, and was on pace for 26 last season. This year, after signing a seven-year, $36.5 million contract, he has scored only four goals and 10 points in 51 games. Nonis said that it was Randy Carlyle, head coach of the Leafs, who proposed the “stolen talent” theory to him. “I think it was a few weeks ago, in our game against San Jose, that I first began to consider the possibility,” Carlyle said. “Something clicked when I saw Clarkson get the puck near the offensive zone,
and then spin around like a tablehockey player and slide it harmlessly into the corner.” Carlyle theorized that Clarkson’s talent was stolen when he touched a magic puck placed in his hands by the Monstars. The aliens, in turn, would utilize his talent to gain a competitive advantage in an upcoming game against the Looney Tunes. “It seemed far-fetched at first,” Nonis said. “But then I saw Clarkson try to carry the puck in, lose it to a defender, then spin and fall, and it seemed the only possibility.” Clarkson himself seems to remember picking up a puck earlier in the season. He also said that he’s been feeling off. “I just feel pretty lost out there,” Clarkson said. “It’s almost like I’m a completely different player from a few years ago when I played on the power play with Ilya Kovalchuk, Zach Parise and Patrik Elias.” Personnel from other teams have come forward to support the Leafs’ theory. Ottawa Senators general manager Brian Murray called the theory the “perfect explanation” for the drop off in play of goaltender Craig Anderson and former 30-goal scorer Milan Michalek. Mike Gillis, general manager of the Vancouver Canucks, said he “has no doubts”
the Monstars were behind the theft of Henrik and Daniel Sedin’s talents. “I think they did something to my defence, too,” Gillis added. “And someone should really check if those Monstars have been in Edmonton recently.” The Leafs are demanding an inquiry in the absence of the Tampa Bay Lightning’s star forward, Steven Stamkos. Though officially Stamkos
was out with a broken tibia for nearly five months, Nonis believes he was secretly playing with the Looney Tunes. Stamkos has seven goals and 10 points in 10 games since coming back in early March. “There’s no way he broke his leg and has come back playing so well!” Nonis said. “I want him to confess that he helped the Looney Tunes win the game and avoid becoming
Mike Laine GAZETTE
space slaves.” Nonis also wants Stamkos to assist the down players on getting their talent back, reiterating that it was “the only explanation.” “I mean, why would we sign a guy to such a massive contract if we weren’t sure he would continue to play at his peak level?” Nonis said. “We would look pretty stupid if that wasn’t the case.”