Volume 16 Issue 19 (Friday, April 1st)

BESTERN WESTERN OREGON UNIVERSITY | FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016 VOLUME 16 ISSUE 19

***CONTINENTIAL BREAKFAST NOT INCLUDED IN MEAL PLAN***

NEW HOTEL MANAGEMENT SMALLER, LESS ADEQUATE HALF-WASHED DISHWEAR MAJOR ANNOUNCED FITNESS ROOM ANNOUNCED INCLUDED WITH TUITION WOU.EDU/WESTERNJOURNAL

2

BIEBER WATCH

The Journal Friday, April 1, 2016

THE JOURNAL 345 N. Monmouth Ave. Monmouth, OR 97361 Student Media Department TERRY HOUSE NEWSROOM 503-838-8347

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF CONNER WILLIAMS journaleditor@wou.edu

MANAGING EDITOR KATRINA PENAFLOR

journalmanaging@wou.edu

NEWS EDITOR JENNA BERESHEIM journalnews@wou.edu

CAMPUS LIFE EDITOR RACHAEL JACKSON

journalcampuslife@wou.edu

ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR DECLAN HERTEL journalentertainment@wou.edu

SPORTS EDITOR JAMAL SMITH

journalsportst@wou.edu

PHOTO EDITOR BRIANNA BONHAM journalphoto@wou.edu

DESIGNERS CARLY FISTER BENJAMIN BERGERSON journaldesigner@wou.edu

COPY EDITOR STEPHANIE BLAIR journalcopy@wou.edu

ADVERTISING MANAGER TBA journaladvertising@wou.edu

WEB MANAGER MARY GEANELLI BERNARDO journalweb@wou.edu

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER SAMANTHA DUNAWAY STUDENT MEDIA ADVISER RHYS FINCH

Pranksters throughout history April Fools’ origin plus a disclaimer about this issue

By Conner Williams | Editor in Chief Ah, April Fools’ Day. There’s nothing like a national, erm, holiday that encourages humorous, and sometimes downright cruel, pranks on other people. After all, who doesn’t like causing their friend, roommate, or significant other to nearly have a heart attack by scaring them half to death with a prank?

Some might say that pranks are immature (looking at you, stick-in-the-mud baby boomers), but the truth is that April Fools’ Day dates back hundreds of years. Face it, fun-haters, people have been pranking each other forever.

According to the History Channel, April Fools’ Day dates back to April 1, 1700 when “English pranksters began popularizing the annual tradition of April Fools’ Day by playing practical jokes on each other.”

However, even though the celebration of

the day (which is also sometimes referred to as All Fool’s Day) has been around for centuries, historians are unsure as to its origins.

Some say that the day’s traditions originated with the French back in 1582 when the Julian calendar was switched to the Gregorian calendar. People that were slow to get the news that the new year had moved to January 1 were ridiculed by having paper fish put on their backs, referred to as “poisson d’avril” (April fish) that were “said to symbolize a young, easily caught fish and a gullible person.”

Others speculate that the traditions originate from ancient festivals such as the Roman Hilaria in which people dressed up in disguises at the end of March. Additional origin theories say that the day is tied to the vernal equinox, when “Mother Nature fooled people with changing, unpredictable weather.”

The day became popularized and celebrated in a widespread manner throughout Britain in the 18th century. According to the History Channel, the tradition became a two-day event in Scotland that started with the “gowk

hunt” (a word for a cuckoo bird, which is a symbol for a fool) where people were sent on phony errands. It was then followed by Tallie Day, where people would play pranks that “played on people’s derrières,” such as pinning fake tails or “kick me” signs on them.

Many individuals and organizations have devoted much time and energy to playing pranks, even on the consumers that keep them alive. For example, in 1985, Sports Illustrated ran an article about a rookie pitcher named Sidd Finch that could throw a fastball over 168 miles per hour and fooled many of its readers.

The goal of this issue is to have a little bit of fun with some playful stories that I hope will entertain you. The goal isn’t to offend anyone, it is simply to poke fun at some local and more widespread issues that we as a staff find amusing. Play some pranks on each other and (try) to be safe, and remember that life is so much better when you’re laughing.

Contact the author at journaleditor@wou. edu or on Twitter @journalEIC

Justin Bieber leaves a lasting impression

Bieber comes to Monmouth, destroys storefront and Lamborghini

503-838-9697

LEFT TO RIGHT: Cover photos courtesy of AMANOVERSEAS. COM, SOUTHWARKGYMASTICS.CO.UK, and GEORGEVANANTWERP.COM

SUBMISSIONS THE JOURNAL encourages readers to share their opinion through letters to the editor and guest columns. Submissions must be typed and include the writer’s name. Contact information will not be published unless requested. Unsigned submissions will not be printed and original copies will not be returned.

Letters to the editor may be up to 300 words and guest columns should not exceed 500 words.

THE JOURNAL does not guarantee the publication of all letters or columns. THE JOURNAL reserves the right to edit for punctuation, grammar, and spelling, but never for content.

Please bring submissions to THE JOURNAL at Terry House or email to journaleditor@wou.edu.

Submissions must be received by Wednesday at 5 p.m. to be considered for print.

All opinions expressed in columns, letters to the editor or advertisements are the views of the author and do necessarily reflect those of THE JOURNAL or Western Oregon University.

By Alvin Wilson | Staff Writer After the unsuccessful attempt to deport Justin Bieber to Canada, Citizens for an America Without Bieber, an organization created with the goal of deporting Justin Bieber, decided that sending the pop idol to Monmouth, Oregon would have to do.

Bieber arrived in Monmouth on March 29 and was arrested within 24 hours by the Monmouth Police Department for drunk driving, reckless endangerment, and possession of illegal drugs.

According to eyewitness reports, Bieber left the Main St. Pub & Eatery after one too many drinks and got in his rented Lamborghini, mumbling something about wanting an ice cream cone.

“I knew there was something wrong when he stood up and peed his pants,” said one witness. “I put my hand on his shoulder to stop him, but he just said, ‘get out my way, yo,’ and stormed out.”

On his way to the Main Street Ice Cream Parlor, Bieber made an abrupt right turn, narrowly missed a group of students, and

crashed into Crush Wine Bar and Tasting Room.

He totalled his Lamborghini and dealt considerable damage to the store’s front pillar and glass door.

Bieber mumbled, “I dvont member gettig outa ther plane,” as he was being pulled from his crushed vehicle. Authorities say they are unsure what he meant by the comment.

Upon Bieber’s arrest, authorities said they found alcohol, marijuana, Xanax, ecstasy, and several opioids in his system.

“It’s a wonder he was still conscious,” said Mark Simpson, Bieber’s arresting officer.

“There was enough in his system to kill a small herd of elephants. I don’t think Monmouth is quite ready for a character like him.”

Since his arrest, Citizens for an America Without Bieber has made several more attempts to get Bieber deported. Authorities at the Monmouth Police Department say it is something they will strongly consider.

Contact the author at awilson15@wou.edu or on Twitter @awilsonjournal

WOU.EDU/WESTERNJOURNAL

Photo courtesy of GONETWORTH.NET

BLAZIN' IT

The Journal Friday, April 1, 2016

3

10 WORST TRAILBLAZERS OF ALL TIME

By Jamal Smith | Sports Editor 10) Martell Webster (2005-10, 8.5 ppg, 37.2 3 pfg) Portland had high hopes for high school sensation, Martell Webster, drafting him with the No. 6 pick in the 2005 NBA draft. Martell’s stats with the Blazers aren’t terrible, but the shooting guard makes the list because he never lived up to the high expectations that come with being selected at the top of the draft, nor did live up to his potential. To make matters worse, Portland chose Webster over both Chris Paul and Deron Williams.

9) Sebastian Telfair (2004-06, 8.1 ppg, 3.5 ast, 39.4% fg) The Blazers’ stupidity in not selecting Chris Paul can be blamed on one man: high school phenome point guard, Sebastian Telfair. A year prior to acquiring Webster, the Blazers selected Telfair with the No. 13 pick, with the hopes that he would be a cornerstone piece in rebuilding the team. Unfortunately, that didn’t pan out and the Blazers passed up on Paul thinking Telfair was their point guard of the future.

8) Bonzi Wells (1998-03, 13.3 ppg, 4.7 rpg) No player epitomizes the bad-boy image of the ‘Jail Blazer’ era more than Bonzi Wells. As co-captain of the team, Wells couldn’t stay out of trouble, on or off the court. Wells publicly cursed out the Blazer’s head coach, flipped off a heckling Blazer fan, and struck and abused an official during a game in 2000. Towards the end of his time with the Blazers, Wells openly said, “fans don’t matter to us.”

7) LaRue Martin (1972-76, 5.3 ppg, 4.6 rpg)

Who is LaRue Martin? If you have never heard of Martin before there’s a good reason: the guy was absolutely horrible. Cited by many sports analysts as the worst No. 1 NBA draft pick of all time, Martin was plagued with injuries as well as alcohol and drug abuse during his four year stint in Portland.

To make matters even worse, the Blazer’s selected Martin before Hall of Famers Julius Erving and Bob McAdoo.

6) Darius Miles (2003-06, 13.1 ppg, 4.6 rpg) When Darius Miles was traded to Portland from the Cleveland Cavaliers, fans raved about his athletic abilities. His potential was through the roof and the Blazers rewarded him with a six-year, $48 million dollar deal. After the contract was inked, it became clear that Miles was a cancer to the team who sought better publicity after the ‘Jail Blazer’ debacle. When Miles retired in 2006 due to medical issues, the Blazers breathed a sigh of relief; however, three years later Memphis signed him and the Blazers were stuck paying the rest of his outrageous contract.

5) Qyntel Woods (2003-04, 3.6 ppg) When the Portland police pulled over Qyntel Woods’ Cadillac Escalade for speeding in 2004, they noticed the vehicle was hot boxed with marijuana smoke. Without insurance or a valid driver’s license, Woods famously gave the officers his playing card as proof of identity. Shortly after the incident, Woods was found guilty of dog fighting and subsequently released from the team.

4) Ruben Patterson (2001-05, 9.7 ppg) The only reason Ruben Patterson isn’t No. 1 on this list is because other players have been more detrimental to the franchise, but Patterson was a real scumbag. In 2001, right before the Blazers signed him to a contract, Patterson pled guilty to the rape of

WOU.EDU/WESTERNJOURNAL

his child’s nanny. Why the Blazers chose to add him to the roster is mind-blowing. Then in 2002, Patterson was arrested for felony assault against his wife, but the charges were dropped and they divorced.

3) Shawn Kemp (2000-02, 6.3 ppg, 3.8 rpg) When Shawn Kemp signed a lucrative $52 million dollar contract with the Blazers, he was no longer the dominating unstoppable force he was with the now defunct Seattle Supersonics. He showed up overweight to training camp and his stats took a nosedive. Then, near the end of his first season in black and red, Kemp checked himself into rehab for cocaine addiction; Kemp was cut at the end of the following season and the Blazers were stuck paying him $52 million.

2) Greg Oden (2007-10, 9.4 ppg, 7.3 rpg) When the Trailblazers received the No. 1 pick in the 2007 NBA draft, the final decision came down to two players: Greg Oden and Kevin Durant. The Blazer’s selected the center from Ohio State, and the fan’s hopes that Oden would live up to his potential, shattered faster than his knees. Three major knee surgeries and setback after setback caused the Blazers to waive the big man in 2010, while Durant is currently one of the elite players in the league.

1) Sam Bowie (1984-89, 10.5 ppg, 8.1 rpg) The 1984 draft was loaded with talent. The Blazers had the No. 2 pick and selected Sam Bowie, passing on Michael Jordan. Need I say any more? Bowie played four injury-plagued seasons before being traded to the New Jersey Nets. Meanwhile, Jordan went on to lead the Chicago Bulls to six NBA Championships, and is known by many as the greatest to ever play the game.

Contact the author at jsmith15@wou.edu or on Twitter @journalsportWOU

POOR LIFE DECISIONS

4 Friday, April 1, 2016 The Journal

Clockwise from the top right: Designer Ben Bergerson discovers the life of dating a trash girl.

Breaking into the old police station with a brick is always super romantic.

We recommend borrowing one from a nearby construction site. Great for those college students on a budget.

When you find yourself down because your date stands you up, there’s always free wood behind Rice Auditorium.

Looking to do a little pre-date grooming to make sure you’re looking your best for your upcoming date?

Rent a Rug Doctor.

Carpet cleaning is always a good choice.

For the students looking to bypass all that romance and just get screwed, or buy screws, head to the local hardware store.

Photos by BRIANNA BONHAM, BEN BERGERSON, and STEPHANIE BLAIR

WOU.EDU/TEDCRUZISTHEZODIACKILLER

The Journal Friday, April 1, 2016

5

Looking for the butter to my muffin After 18 years of being single, I’m finally ready to get in the dating game and find myself a bae.

I’ll start with some deets about me.

I’m 5’ 8”, brown hair, green eyes. My dream in life is to live in a van and own 14 dogs and one goldfish. One of the many joys I find in life is Mythbusters roleplay, and I’m very passionate about bike fishing in Amsterdam.

My spirit animal is the elegant and graceful naked mole-rat. Their burrowing skills are astounding and I would channel those skills in apocalyptic times. My zodiac sign is Taurus and it is often said that we surround ourselves with material pleasures.

As for the lucky man, I only ask a few things.

I don’t want to be too specific right off the bat, but you MUST be 5’ 12”. No more, no less. I also love it when guys have a good sense of style. I believe that everyone should have at least one pair of olive green gaucho pants and a pair of brown Crocs in their wardrobe at all times.

The ideal personality would be a mixture of Ron Swanson and Hulk Hogan. I find it very pleasant when a man has the elegant vocabulary of

Gordon Ramsay and is not afraid to use it. My favorite movie is Forrest Gump; it’s crucial that you know every line so that we can recite the movie, accents and all.

A stable job is necessary because as stated above, I am a Taurus who enjoys materialistic pleasures in the form of discontinued As Seen On TV items.

They are expensive and often hard to come by.

The ideal first date would be to eat plain toast, Burger King chicken fries, and sweet pickles. For dessert, we would then proceed to Costco via Ripstik and eat samples and the handful of black licorice jelly beans that I always keep handy. After that, a romantic stroll through the Home Depot lighting aisle would certainly set the mood. If all goes well, returning to my room and taking turns reading aloud one of the many biographies I own of Alexander Hamilton while occasionally brushing knees would be a superb way to end the night.

If you believe that you can meet these simple qualifications, feel free to give me a holler at bbonham15@wou.edu

Photo by BRIANNA BONHAM

Squirrels of western Finding the campus empty of interesting people to interview for Humans of Western, the Journal turned to Ronnie Squeaker, local squirrel for a fresh take on life at Western.

Squeaker: “You know, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life before moving here a year ago.

Seeing all the young college kids sorting out their lives and finding a direction ignited something in myself. I realized that I wanted to be a squirrel of the world. The only thing holding me back is the sad fact that Squirrel School isn’t cheap.

Photo by CARLY FISTER

WOU.EDU/WESTERNJOURNAL

I was in a pretty dark place, trying to figure out how to pay for school when I met Mister [“Fuzzball”] Malone. He set me up with honest work hassling the neighborhood dogs. I knew all about the heroin business. It’s nuts to think about, but in most college towns the heroin trade is dealt by squirrels. Seeing Malone go down really hit me hard, but hey, I still got my job. I still got my dreams.”

By Rachael Jackson | Campus Life Editor

TED CRUZ IS THE

6 Friday, April 1, 2016 The Journal

Todd Hall ghost demands salary Western’s oldest staff member demands salary after 70 years of volunteer work

By Zoë Strickland | Northwest Passage Editor The position of haunting Todd Hall is in jeopardy due to wage disagreements between local ghost, Jessica Todd, and the administration. After decades of volunteering her time as the hall’s resident live-in spirit, Todd has begun demanding the creation of a salaried position, claiming that the school needs a “living wage for the non-living.”

When asked to explain her stance, Ms. Todd went on to say how the creation of a salary will be beneficial to the ghostly reputation of Western.

“In order for me to properly haunt the students, particularly the men of this institution, I need to be able to destress. I’m surrounded by the screams of children all day, and am expected to haunt all night. I need money so I can explore the finer things of the afterlife, and, as the students these days say, treat myself,” she explained.

In addition to her salary demands, Todd is also petitioning to receive back payments for the past seventy years of work as well as commission for the ghost tours that occur in the building. Due to Jessica Todd’s nature, men are barred

from the negotiations. However, it’s predicted that the biggest hurdle will come when approaching President Rex Fuller about the salary approval.

Until her demands are met, Jessica Todd is refusing to partake in a haunting of any kind. When asked their opinion on the haunting, several first years stated that they had no idea Todd Hall even had a ghost.

When approached for a comment on her relevance, Todd pointed out that their lack of knowledge is merely an example of why she needs more incentive to perform quality hauntings and make her presence known once again amongst the community. The ghost also took this time to point out that if the school were to grant her a salary, they would not have to worry about paying for any form of health care, seeing as she passed away in 1944.

In the upcoming weeks, the administration is set to meet with Jessica Todd to discuss integrating a salaried position into the 2016-2017 budget.

Administrators have expressed hesitation when asked about whether or not they believe Todd will be in attendance; some have even come forth to say that they do not believe in ghosts. Jessica Todd is currently spending her free time haunting those people.

Contact the author at zstrickland14@wou.edu or on Twitter @NWPmagazine

I need money so I can explore the fine things of the afterlife...

Photo by BRIANNA BONHAM Local ghost Jessica Todd has vowed not to haunt anyone until she gets paid.

classifieds Free to good home. 22 year old roommate. Potty trained and great with pets, but otherwise completely useless. Subsists mainly off Little Debbie products and reruns of “That 70’s Show.” If interested, please contact queenofhermits@nonmail.com HUMAN SEEKS FELLOW HUMAN FOR HUMAN ROMANCE. ENVISION A ROBOT THAT DOES NOT UNDERSTAND LOVE ON WHICH YOU MUST INSTALL LOVE.EXE WITH YOUR BODY. BUT I AM NOT A ROBOT. I AM A HUMAN. PROGRAMMING KNOWLEDGE A PLUS. Missed Connection. To the cute guy who answered a question for campus voices a few weeks ago and also had a camera around his neck, are you single? Send your answer to The Journal offices 503-838-8347. Asking for a friend.

Lost Luck. Last seen on Feb. 23 at the end of Monmouth Ave. in front of Natural Science after I tripped up the stairs. After losing my luck, my life consists of a string of unfortunate events and I would really love to have it back.

Frisky trio looking for adventurous fourth. Possible blood sacrifice, dress appropriately. Meet @ the Grove when the moon is full if interested.

Homie Collector: Searching for interesting humans to hang out at my apartment all day. Will provide ramen, spaghetti, or linguini alfredo, dependent upon how much cash you leave me. Must enjoy wearing crazy hats, playing with trinkets on the bookshelf, and standing backward with your buttcrack out. Celebrities welcome.

Looking to rent a unicycle so I can quit school. Going to spend my days smoking dope and looking dope while doing it. Willing to leave collateral.

I have three fists full of partially used lipsticks available. Colors are all variants of nude. Need them gone by the end of the week, no questions asked. looking 4 dick pix. send immediately.

In search of pre-scratched lottery scratch-offs. Need to prove to my parents that I have a gambling problem; don’t ask. Call STOVE at (912) 525-5671, but ask for BILL. In dire need of one of them chubby garbage squirrels, y’all. Just gather as many as you can and bring ‘em on down to Larry’s Jim Jang Jamboree. Don’t bring none of those boring tree faring fools. I know the difference, y’all. Payment not readily available, but you can consider it one of them charitable donations or whatever you NPR givin’, Subaru drivin’, REI wearin’ lib’r’alls do with your squirrel money.

QUESTION: Can someone please explain to me what a “dick pic” is?? Girlfriend keeps asking for one, not sure what she wants from me.

FOR SALE: My Dignity. Lightly used, near mint.

Willing to trade for pride or hubris. Just unnecessary in my day-to-day.

Desparately seeking Ganache, Geeves, Sapphire, and Apricot. I’ve bought the food, I’ve bought the parasol, yet no sign of cats. If seen, email effthisgame@nekoatsume.cats

WOU.EDU/WESTERNJOURNAL

WANTED: Tinder Tutor. Can pay you in backhanded compliments and awkward pauses.

FREE TO A GOOD HOME: One infant, eight pounds, six ounces. Excellent condition, no problems.

White, dark brown hair. Runs like a champ, has all its shots. You get to name it, blank birth certificate included. Pick up near Little Caesar’s dumpster Saturday night.

Seeking someone to punch me right in my stupid face.

I will pay fifty dollars for a knuckle sandwich. I want to taste blood for weeks. I have a face, please punch it. It’s all I want, it’s all I need, a punch in my face, a kick in my teeth. help im trapped in his basement please find me i need help the beatings are constant im so scared.. i cant take a noterh day of this oh god PLEasE here he comes oh my god please please PLEASE WANTED: F---s. I have none left to give, and I need at least one per week to make it through the rest of my college career. Can provide payment in expired protein powder or never-been-washed shaker cups from 5 years ago. Inquire at the offices of The Journal. Door may or may not be unlocked, depending on how many f---s I have available to give that day.

Looking for the Zodiac Killer. I’m your biggest fan.

Not for political reasons, just to prove I’m innocent. If found, contact tedcruz@actuallythezodiackiller.ouch LONE WOLF searching for a PACK. It’s lonely on the mountaintop. Send replies c/o WALDO.

ZODIAC KILLER

The Journal Friday, April 1, 2016

7

THIS WEEK in completely made up horoscopes Leo 7/23-8/22 Leo, you share a name with the glorious Leonardo DiCaprio. Do you really need more fortune than that? Stop being selfish.

Cancer 6/21-7/22 You will see a dog on your way to work today.

Gemini 5/21-6/20 Gemini, if you were wondering whether or not to post that snapchat to your story— don’t. Do us all a favor and don’t. Also, you share a sign with Donald Trump so….

Virgo 8/23-9/22 Okay, Virgo, time to hit you with the real. Honestly, this is the last horoscope that I’m writing, and I’ve completely run out of ideas, so I’m just not gonna write one.

Aries 3/21-4/19 I met an Aries last Monday that really pissed me off, so I’m withholding your prediction for this week.

Grab a glass of water, these horoscopes are extra salty this week

Libra 9/23-10/22 You left your oven on.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 Take a deep breath and relax, Scorpio. Your favorite TV show is not getting cancelled.

Although if it were my choice it would be.

Taurus 4/20-5/20 Go look up a picture of a baby hippo, then get back to me.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21 Can you not?

Pisces 2/19-3/20 Pisces, you thought you looked good when you left the house this morning, well you did. Stay beautiful, gorgeous!

Capricorn 12/22-1/19 Name the baby Ricky.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18 Remember that really embarrassing thing you did last week, Aquarius? Yeah, I do too.

Compiled by KATRINA PENAFLOR

Semi-cult film gets sequel freaking 30 years later Minor hit movie franchise to be rebooted even though no one asked for it even once

By Declan Hertel | Entertainment Editor Multiple sources report that despite literally no one giving a shit about this particular film franchise anymore, a major studio has acquired the rights to the somewhat well-regarded property, and is pillaging American’s sense of nostalgia to make a quick buck on a half-assed new installment that, it must be reiterated, no one really wanted.

“Yeah, I probably said at one point, ‘man, wouldn’t it be cool if they made a sequel,’ but I, you know, didn’t really… mean it,” said Dude McGuy, a fan of the original film, which was released sometime in the 80s, maybe the early 90s. “It just feels so cheap and soulless.”

“I’m probably still gonna see it though,” he said, look-

Photos courtesy of WOMANYES.COM

ing as sad and dejected as a man could possibly look.

The Journal reached out to A Movie Industry Fatcat, who was quoted as saying, “moviegoers are sheep. You slap a name they recognize on a steaming pile of bear turd and they’ll buy millions and millions of tickets to writhe around in it for an hour and a half, just for that tiny little hit off the crack pipe of the past.”

WOU.EDU/WESTERNJOURNAL

After diving into his Scrooge McDuck-style pool of money, entirely made up of currency that people have spent on absolute garbage motion pictures, he removed several stacks of hundred-dollar bills from underneath his immense girthy folds, acquired from eating several fancy meals a day financed by the money we keep throwing at these studios to make absolute goddamn trash, he surfaced and continued, “everything you have ever loved will be recycled through the corporate machine and spat back at you, and you will eat it and say you loved it because you’re a whore. Say it, you’re a filthy whore.”

I just can’t write about this anymore im sorry im just done goodbye enjoy your shitty movies forever and ever now Here’s a picture of a stupid, stupid cat and i hope it brings you joy in this goddamned hollow existence Contact the author at dhertel11@wou.edu or on Twitter @JournalFunTimes

8

BOOTY

The Journal Friday, April 1, 2016

COCKTAIL CORNER

The inception of the Bromosa took place on the eve of a real intense leg day. Two bros, Calvin and Jeff, invented the drink in hopes of catching a quick ten hours of rest before their early day at the gym.

To their astonishment, the drink revived a spirit of lifting in them that they would never have been able to achieve without a dose of creatine. Note: this drink must always be shared with a bro.

Drink is best served in a chilled champagne glass.

To create the drink you need: Two bros Two cans of a pale domestic beer (Coors, Rolling Rock, Budweiser) A rag full of sweat from your last workout Directions: Into your favorite protein shake bottle, add ice.

Wring out the sweat rag and shake vigorously. Be sure to watch your biceps with pride as you do this.

Pour the icy sweat into both glasses and add in your beer. To complete, you and your bro of choice must look deeply into each other’s eyes and fist bump over the drink. If done correctly, the fist bump will create a purple tint to the drink. It is now ready to ingested. Sleep immediately.

By Rachael Jackson | Campus Life Editor

Don’t forget: The Journal will now come out on Mondays. Pick one up next week!

Follow us online @theWOUJournal and use #WOUnow to stay updated on what’s happening on campus!

• Checking and savings accounts

Monmouth Branch 163 N. Knox St. 503.588.0181 • 800.688.0181 mapscu.com

Federally Insured by NCUA

• Online, mobile and text banking • Credit cards with great rates

Residents in the Willamette Valley Basin are eligible for membership.

WOU.EDU/WESTERNJOURNAL