We Only Have So Much to Give

by Tess Beiter

It’s an eventuality, a reality we all accept when we dig in search of water. We think, maybe this won’t last long, but for now I suppose it’ll work. At this point, the hole has already been dug, so why search for a new water source when the one sitting right there is still flowing? So, without further consideration, we lower our buckets and refresh our thirsty mouths.

But something I’ve noticed is that no one ever takes the time to ask the well how it feels about this arrangement. How exhausting it must be—it’s constantly drawn on, commanded day after day to complete tasks and give up its precious and finite supply of water. It can only replenish itself so quickly, after all, and sometimes it simply can’t keep up with the demands. The well is forced to watch as it is slowly drained and its water levels sink lower and lower. And what can the well do about that? It has obligations. It has people it must satisfy, buckets it must fill, and wishes it must bestow.

This was why it was created, right? To consistently give and give of itself and never expect thanks or even acknowledgement? To sit, passive and submissive, as its patrons call on it time and time again for it to dole out its precious contents?

Sometimes, society asks far too much of the well.

There reaches a point when those buckets drawing from the well hit rock bottom. There reaches a point when those grasping hands who visited it for months on end come up empty, turned away by that cruel well with nothing to show for all of their work. They complain, furious at its seeming indifference. That damn well! How dare it subvert us like that? It’s never needed a break before, so what’s so different about now? After all, they essentially built this well up from its infancy. They’ve been so polite this entire time, and it’s not like the well ever said anything. Or at least, they’re pretty sure it hadn’t. Had it been their intention to drain the well dry? No! They just wanted fresh water in easy reach, and what's more convenient than a well? So no, it’s not their fault and it never has been. The well is just being selfish, demanding time for itself to “recuperate” and “find itself” and “avoid spiraling into a mental breakdown.” It’s useless and worthless and acting like a total psycho bitch.

The well hears the insults, dripping like poison from their mouths, and begins to worry. What if they’re right? After all, once recovered, it has plenty of water. It does need some to survive, but it can do without the rest. Perpetually doling out its time and energy is exhausting, but the well really does want to help. Does it really need to take time for itself? Of course not! And so, once again, it opens itself up to the public. They flock back, pretending like nothing was wrong—something was wrong? I hadn’t noticed!—to keep drawing from their precious and tireless well.

If any of this sounds familiar, if any of it strikes a chord deep within you, then I am truly sorry. An apology from me won’t fix things, but unfortunately, I don’t think society will be apologizing to women anytime soon.

It’s no secret that society expects far too much from women. The double standards placed on us from young ages are both heartbreaking and infuriating. Dress codes are often designed to impact girls and feminine-presenting individuals the most, particularly students of color, restricting them from their freedom to express their individuality.1 Women are essentially conditioned from childhood to shoulder more responsibilities; in fact, recent studies have shown that daughters worldwide are assigned significantly more unpaid housework than sons. And sadly, this trend persists into adulthood. Regardless of working status, women in heterosexual marriages spend an average of twice the amount of time on housework than their husbands.2

Western society has extended this burden from manual labor to emotional labor as well. It’s becoming crystal-clear that, due to being taught that emotions are a “feminine” matter and therefore “lesser”, men are widely rejecting their emotions and projecting their problems onto the women in their lives. The widespread toxic masculinity that tells men to suppress their

1 Tess de Rooij, “Dress Code”, This is Gendered (2022). 2 Claire Cain Miller, “A ‘Generationally Perpetuated’ Pattern: Girls Do More Chores”, The New York Times (August 2018).

feelings, isolate themselves, and not seek help is deeply affecting women and forcing them into therapist roles within their relationships. They are consistently burdened with the tasks that take trained psychologists years to master on top of the stress they may already be facing. As Lindsay Johnson so bluntly (and accurately) stated, “Men drain the emotional life out of women.”3 Based on my personal experiences, this statement hits uncomfortably close to home—and I’m willing to bet that it does for far too many others.

This societal flaw has been perpetuated for so long that it has become a norm, and its damaging effects are insidious and widespread. Women are more likely to develop depression, anxiety, and deal wwith chronic stress than men, almost certainly due in part to the unfair division of domestic and interpersonal labor.4 This normalized burnout has crept so far as to impact mental wellbeing on a societal level and in many unfortunate cases, leads to death. While men have higher rates of death by suicide, women have disproportionately higher rates of suicide attempts.5 This suggests a level of strain and discontent in women that, quite literally, could be the death of us.

And women, like wells, only have so much to give.

There’s only so much of our time and energy that we can give to others before we crack. There are only so many wishes we can bestow and jobs we can perform before we collapse. There will be times where we need to take time for ourselves and others will refuse to see reason if we dare to inconvenience them.

Society is not kind to women.

“I’m tired of having to replace another broken bedside table because he didn’t realize he needed to talk about his feelings.” –Lindsay Johnson But we aren’t wells, are we? We don’t have to stand by passively or submissively, constantly exhausting ourselves at the behest of others. While it certainly is a virtue to help others, it should never come at the cost of our own wellbeing. Despite what society would prefer we think, women and femininepresenting individuals have voices, independence, and the ability to call out the bullshit of those who exploit us.

And maybe that will look different for everyone, so pick a small area in which to start. Stop apologizing for taking up space, or anything that isn’t your fault, and begin consciously taking well-deserved time for yourself. Accept that, despite your internalized desire to help everyone, you simply can’t. Gently clue in the people in your life when they’re causing you too much strain and kindly refer them to an actual therapist. It isn’t your job to fix other people’s problems—believe me when I say that you do not need to be anyone’s absolution besides your own. It isn’t fair for anyone to place their burdens on you, regardless of if they reciprocate. Be loud and unapologetic and blissfully, undeniably you.

It’s incredibly difficult to break free of the roles we were conditioned into, and societal change won’t happen overnight—but the process has already started. It started when each of us put our foot down and demanded more than the self-fulfilling prophecies everyone thought we were destined to become.

It started when every person that society took for granted refused to be drained by the endless stream of thirsty mouths that come upon us. We all deserve the world, so let’s reach out and take it back.

“Part of what the research on this shows is that women’s increased propensity to engage in emotion work is not related to their sex but really their gender and the position that they have served in the family and in friendship groups, in society.” –Jessica Collett

“I want the term ‘gold digger’ to include dudes who look for a woman who will do tons of emotional labor for them.” –Erin Rodgers

3 Melanie Hamlett, “Men Have No Friends and Women Bear the Burden”, Bazaar (May 2019). 4 Nicholas R. Eaton, “Study Finds Sex Differences in Mental Illness”, American Psychological Association (2011). 5 Aislinné Freeman et al., “A cross-national study on gender differences in suicide intent”, BMC Psychiatry (June 2017).