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10 Ways to Know You're a Self-Saboteur

There has been a lot on my mind lately. The usual—school, family drama, friend drama, a little bit in between, nothing out of the ordinary. But then I started seeing this guy, Blake*.

Blake is really cool. He treats me well, cares about the world, and I’m attracted to him. He also doesn’t flake on our plans and respects my time, which makes me think he’s a good person. And when we do things together, I always have fun. But despite all of these “good” qualities, from time to time I find myself fighting an inner voice to stop seeing him.

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I’ve done a lot of work in order to learn my boundaries. To commit myself to only accepting what I deserve. To only scout out relationships that are worth my time. Not necessarily capital S serious relationships, but respectful ones. In theory, all I really want is someone to explore Ann Arbor and Detroit with, make dramafree memories with, and laugh with. A lot.

Enter Me 2.0. Someone completely different, who is rejecting a person who has nothing wrong with him. He checks off all my self-constructed boxes: we plan to go to local concerts, abstract art museums, and explore nature when the weather lightens up—all things I want to experience in good company. And good company he is. Blake is a genuinely interesting person who makes me want to learn more about him. He has proven himself to pay attention to me fully: emotionally, mentally, physically. He is a feminist, and even better, he would be really comfortable and confident in me referring to him in that way.

To recap: respects me, likes art, believes in equality. Check, Check, Check. Which leads me then to believe that I, not him, am the problem.

Thanks to a continuous loop of thoughts parading around in my noggin, I blame a couple of reasons for my inability to calm the fuck down. One explanation is that I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now. I don’t want someone to get in the way of accomplishing my dreams. I’m not sure where I see my life going. But Blake and I haven’t even talked about commitment yet and he has not put any pressure on me at all. And independent of Blake, my past has shown that I have the confidence and strength to stay true to my convictions in the face of temptation.

Which then brings to reason number 2: he’s just not the right person for me. When this thought pops into my head, it then trails off to a full analysis of my ex-boyfriend and the comfort of familiarity we shared. My last relationship was very serious and, in my opinion, it ended too soon. But it’s been a over a year since that end, and before meeting Blake I hadn’t really thought about my ex at all. Besides, I don’t even know Blake well enough to accurately assert he isn’t the right person, and none of the evidence lines up. He hasn’t done anything to make me believe this thought.

Maybe the point that holds up the strongest is that he’s graduating. We probably won’t see each other again after May. This scares me more than I thought it would. I see the potential hurt I could go through. My inability to not see this relationship as impermanent makes me not want to be open at all. I extend my care for him in only a casual way. And, to maintain casualness, I also have to maintain emotional distance

Excuse me, “Fearful and Doubtful” me, where is the “Take It As It Comes” and “Go Out and Get It” me? Where’s the “Live In The Moment” me, who preached to a friend to never throw away something because you’re scared of what it could bring. Why have my mantras changed now that I am the subject?

As women, we are taught to look out for toxic men. How many pop songs have you listened to about your man cheating at the club? How many Cosmo spreads with the title “10 Ways To Know You’re Being Used”? For the first time, I’m realizing that what I actually need to pay attention to is myself. The type of attention I’ve neglected because I’ve spent too much time fighting uphill battles with men. Have I become jaded? Have I let go of my idealism? Maybe my idealism is what made my love so sweet in the past, and shouldn’t be something I let go. An idealism that was soft and giving, but also strong and sturdy—grounding me in who I was.

Maybe it is a tendency of women to doubt what we deserve when we obtain it because society tells us we can’t have what we deserve without consequence. I find myself searching for excuses not to spend time with Blake, when really I should just give him a fair chance to meet my expectations instead of analyzing everything about us. And maybe these insidious tendencies are so ingrained in women that they aren’t only present in relationships but also in other aspects of life, accounting for why we may not seize career opportunities when they arise or engage in gender-defying behavior to construct the life we want. It’s not because we aren’t smart, strong, or savvy enough, it’s because history has shown that things do not usually work in our favor, so we begin to feel beat down.

But, instead of shying away from conflict, we need to confront it. Sometimes, someone isn’t out to get us, except ourselves. I have done a lot of work to realize what I deserve. Now, I am working on letting myself enjoy it.

*Name has been changed for confidentiality

By Anonymous

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