A Personal Journey With My Inner Child

A Personal Journey

With My Inner Child

By Jeff Pilsner

I’ve done a lot of work in the selfimprovement department of my life. I had an extremely challenging childhood that grew into an adulthood that was filled with angst. The juxtaposition, however, is that I was a very smart and talented soul. In the face of so much pain and frustration, I was presented with opportunities that few people ever have the chance to even dream of, let alone experience.

So, here I was, presented with opportunity after opportunity to make a big splash in the pond of life, but only after capturing brief glimpses of success, something deep inside of me insisted on slamming on the brakes. Whether it was my forays in the Fortune 500, real estate, or (especially) in the entertainment industry, EVERY time I came close to making it – and I mean REALLY making it…I CHOKED!

I had the fear of success and the fear of failure in spades, and because I was always in reactive mode, I could never quite figure out why I experienced such a visceral response to the plethora of opportunities that fell at my feet.

It all came to a head one day shortly after I finished production on a television show that I co-hosted for a couple of years. This gig had been my big break, it led to all kinds of other media and theater work, and in the end, I often got pointed out when I would go out in public. On one hand, it was nice to be recognized for my public skills but on the other hand I would have MUCH preferred being anonymous. Too bad I wasn’t a writer back then instead of a public performer, as you can be successful without anyone knowing what you look like.

After a ‘perfect storm’ of events, I walked away from that life and moved to a different city in a different province. Renting a tiny 280 sq/ft apartment and keeping my living expenses to an absolute minimum, I just allowed myself to ‘be’. The new city in which I lived had a lovely river that meandered through its center with plenty of trails nestled amongst trees and bushes, and I took full advantage of this by spending many hours a day traversing these paths in quiet contemplation.

After allowing myself the time to just be in the moment, communing with nature, I began to catch glimpses of my past. I had done this before! It was at the ripe old age of seven that I began going for long walks in nature to commune, it was the only way that I could decompress from early life experiences that would have broken most people. Now, as I embraced an old ritual, I began to connect with the boy that I once was, and to be honest, neither of us were in any hurry to begin what we both knew would be a difficult conversation.

But during the countless hours quietly padding through the pathways of the park, I began to ‘see’ him as a separate person walking beside me as we navigated the various trails in the city core. I saw him as the wounded little boy, who had no clue why he was suffering so much, the older and wiser me would explain, to the best of my ability, in terms that a child would understand.

As time progressed a special bond began to cement between us; we shared our thoughts, concerns, our hearts… It got to the point where we could gaze into the ‘whites’ of each other’s eyes. When we drove together, he remained buckled up in the passenger seat.When we walked together, it was with his hand in mine and in situations where we’d meet ‘scary’ people on the path, I would insist that he walk behind me and let the adult me step in front and protect him from potential danger (I laugh at this now, because if I shared this exercise with a mental health professional, they would have probably had me committed).

Speaking of commitment, it was because of making an absolute promise to my little boy that I would always look out for him and do everything in my power to protect him, that he felt safe to come out and stay out. That was my adult self’s service to my inner child, but I have to say that what he offered in return was much greater than what I offered him. It was by allowing myself to see my world through the child’s eyes that I was able to find a true sense of playfulness and peace, and it was learning to trust his voice which spoke on behalf of my soul’s integrity. It was so wonderful to spend time with my new friend, someone who cared about me and my wellbeing as much as I cared about his. It was so surreal; logically I knew he was only a construct of my own mind, but on another level, he seemed so REAL, like a totally separate person.

One morning the unthinkable happened. I was in a hurry to drive somewhere and upon opening the car door, I did not notice that the little boy was sitting in the driver’s seat smiling up at me. I wasn’t thinking as I rushed to sit down in the seat and when I realized what I had just done, I was horrified. For a moment questions like, ‘Did I squash my precious inner child?’ ‘Is he DEAD?’ flashed through my head. Almost instantaneously, I felt the sensation of not squashing a frail child under my adult body weight, but rather I felt him quickly rise up and in to the deepest core of my being. I was feeling FULL for the first time in my life. That was almost thirty years ago, but I remember the experience as if it was yesterday.

By Jeff Pilsner http://shifthappensnow.ca