Reflective Essay On Death

TheWake–UpCall

Death.IhavealwaysfeareditbutIneverknewIcouldbesoclosetoit.Lifethrowsthingsatus unexpectedly,buthowwehandlethosehardshipsiswhatdefinesus"Don'tbepushedaroundbythe fearsinyourmind.Beledbythedreamsinyourheart."–RotT.Bennett.

"Please,momplease!"afterhoursofbeggingmymothershefinallyagreedtoletmegotothebeach withallmyfriends.OnAugust3rd,2015,atypicalsunnysummerdayintheHamptons,mylife changedinamatterofseconds.MysixfriendsandIweresoexcitedtogotothebeach,allofus werelaughingandsingingalongto"MoveslikeJagger"byMaroon5Isatinthethirdrowofthe car,awhiteminivanwithbrownleatherinterior,andtherewasasmallgapinfrontofmyseatfor accesstogetout.MyfriendSebastianwasshowingmeafunnyvideoonhisphonewhenallofa suddenthelaughersandsingingturnedintoscreamsIrememberlookingupjusttoseeaspeeding redobjectcomingourway.Everythinghappenedinablur,Ihadnotimetothinknotimetorunno timetoyellandnotimetosavemyself.Whoknewafiveminutetriptothebeachcouldturnintoa life–changingexperience.Iopenedmyeyestoadauntingscene.Ourcarwasstandinginthemiddle oftheroad,myfriendshadalreadyleftthecar,Inervouslyranoutofthecarthroughtheleftdooras fastasIcouldThefirstthingIsawwasmybestfriendcrying,onceshesawmesherantomeand huggedmesotight

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IntroductionThroughouttheIntroductiontoTheologyclasswehavecoveredawidevarietyof topics.Today,weliveinsuchafastpacedsocietythatthingsoftengetoverlooked.Iwillbe discussingafewtopicswhichIfeelareimportanttopicstoday.Oneofmytopicsissomethingthat mostofthepeopleIknowfear,death.Anotherimportanttopicthatwillbediscussedisthepowerof God

Death

Oneofthegreatestfearsthatmostpeoplehaveintheirlivesisdeath.Iwonderwhythisisso?Do peoplemostlyfearthewaythattheywilldie?Dotheyfeelasiftheyhaven'taccomplished everythingtheyhavewantedtointheirlife?Ifeelthesethingsattributetothefearthatpeoplehave withdeath.Thereareseveralshowmorecontent

IntheenddeathisnecessaryhereonEarthsooverpopulationdoesnotoccur.ThereasonthatIlook forwardtothisday,isbecauseJesusChristliveswithinmyheart.WhenJesusdiedonthecrossfor mysinshemadethispossibleThislifehereonEarthisjusttemporaryThelifethatIlookforward toistheeternitythatIwillspendinheavenwithJesusChrist.Howamazingwillitbetohavean eternallife?

PowerofGodWeallthinkthatattimesinourliveswehavepower.Youmightthinktoyourself, wowIbuiltthattableormanthehouselooksgreatafterpaintingit.Theseareexamplesthatdonot evencomeclosetowhatthepowerofGodisGodisthemostpowerfulthingthathasbeen witnessed.Godcreatedeverything.Howcanthatnotbethemostpowerfulactever?Canyoucreate atree?Ihardlythinkso.OurLordcreatedthiswonderfulplanetthatweliveon.Godissopowerful thathecreatedthisplanetHispowercanbeseenthroughoutEarthandtherestoftheuniverseHe carvedthewonderfulmountains,rivers,andbeautifullandthatweseeeveryday.Notonlyhashe createdthemostbeautifulplanetbutGodhasalsoshownusinotherwayshispowers.Heisan amazingGod.HowstrongisourGod?Godisthestrongestpersononthefaceofthisworld.Godis strongmentally,physically,andemotionally.HehaspartedtheRedSea.Canyouimagine witnessingthis?Doyouknow

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Whenthethoughtofdeathandwhatitmeanstodieisbroughtintoconversation,manypeopleare ratherobliviousorattempttoactsoduetonotknowingthetruthandorhowtohandlesuchaserious matter.RegardingPlato'ssubjectmatter,inthiscase,ofthesubjectivityinassociationwithdeath andwickedness,thepassagechosenisparamounttotheunderstandingofthetextbecausedeath itselfleadswaytohowitshouldchangeourviewsoftheworldthatweinhabit,alongwiththe acceptancethatknowingthatyoudon'tknowanythingiskey.Socrateshimselfbringsfromthe shadowssuchidealsinhisarguments,becausewithoutsaidargumentshewouldn'tbeabletostand withhisideologythrougheveryproblematicsituationshowmorecontent IntheApologyitself,itexploresthemanyideasofwisdom,death,skepticism,deception,andone's centralvalues.Viewingthepassagechoseninananalyticalandargumentativelight,thereismuchin thesenseofwisdomthatwecanderivefromit.Deathinitselfcanbeconsideredtaboointheeyesof thegeneralpublic.Itissomethingthatwehavetolivewith,experiencewithourlovedones,orjust waittilltheinevitabledaythatwecannotpreventSayingthatdeathisfrighteningissomewhatofan exaggeratedunderstatement.Asawhole,theselectedpassagetheorizesthatdeathitselfshouldn'tbe asubjecttoundermineandbeafraidof,butrathersomethingtoembraceasitisa"blessing"that shouldbetakenheadon.AsseeninthearticleofSocraticSkepticism,"Socratesofcourse,isfound guiltyandsentencedtodeath.Butheisnotafraidofdeath,becausetofeardeathistothinkof oneselfwisewithoutreallybeingso,"foritistothinkthatweknowwhatwedonotknow"" (Priscilla12).Thiscoincideswiththeideathatwisdomisknowingwhatyoudonotknow.Thisisan ideathatisscatteredallthroughouttheApologyandissomethingthatSocratesbelievesinfully. OnceSocrates'sconfrontationwiththeOracleofDelphicomesintoscene,itisthenthatherealizes suchanimportantvalueinlife.Onceonerealizesthattruewisdomisknowingthatoneselfisnot wise,iswhenyouareatruly

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Thistomeisthethesisofthisentirelecture.Deathisascarythingtogothrough,whetheraperson ishitbyabusordyingfromaterminalillness.Itishardontheinduvialaswellastheirfamilies.My motherhadaheartattacktwoyearsagoinAprilandwentintoacoma.Wespenttwodaysinthe hospitaltalkingwithherandhopingshewouldwakeup,butonebyoneherorgansshutdownand shewasonaventilatorItdidnottakeuslongtorealizeshewasleavingthisworldShewasyoung, 52yearsold,wecouldhaveputheronlifesupport,butweknewitwasfutile.Eventhoughmy parentsaredivorcedandhavebeensinceIwas11Iamsoproudofmyfamilyforhowwehandled herlastdayswithrespectanddignityThisstatementreallyimpactedmeIfoundmyselfgetting emotionalwhilewatchingthislecture,thinkingaboutthelovedonesIhaveseenthroughtheendof life,frommygrandfatherat15tomymotherat28.Whenwelovesomeone,wewantthemtoget betterandbehereforus.Noyoungladylessthan30wantstobewithouthermother.Dr.Raeis rightthough,itisselfishtodelaysomeone'shomecomingsimplybecausewearenotreadytolet themgoIfindcomfortinthefactthatIwillseethembothagaininparadise,butthatdoesnotmean itdoesnothurt.ItisalsodifficulttofaceanendoflifewithsomeonewhohasnotacceptedtheLord astheirsavioreventhoughyoumayhavewitnessedtothemcountlesstimes.Notknowingifyou willsee

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ReflectionOnDeathAndDying

TakingDeathandDyinghasreallywidenedmyworldview.BeforethisclassIknewdeathwasa taboobutdidnotrealizehowmuchitplayedintomydailylifeandthelivesofeveryonearoundus. IalsodidnotrealizehowrarelydeathwaseverdiscussedandhowlittleIactuallyknewaboutitand theexperiencessurroundingdying.Ididnotknowwhathospicewasorthatitevenexisted.From thisclassIhaverealizedtheimportanceofknowingaboutdeathinordertoliveabetterlifeAndto havefewerregretsnotjustinvolvingourselvesandthingswewishedwehaddonebutalsoinvolving thingswewishedwehaddoneforotherswhohavediedoraredying.Deathisessentialtoevery beingandwewillallexperienceiteventuallyOneofmymaintakeawaysistheknowledgethis classhasgivenmeinordertohelpmymombeabletomakemoreeducateddecisionsaboutmy grandfather.Andtobeabletoreevaluatemypreviousexperienceswithdeathandmyownfuture. Beforethisclass,Iwasawarethatpeoplestillmissedthosethatpassedawayevenyearslater,butI stillbelievedintheideaofclosure.Despiteknowingfrommyownpersonalexperiencewith Buttercup,mycat,dyingIstillbelievedinclosureButtercupwasaveryspecialcat;hewasastray weadoptedoffthestreet.Asastray,hechoosestoshowuponourdoorstep,andwetookcareof himforsixyearsbeforehediedunexpectedlyofapreviouslyundiagnosedheartcondition.Every missedhimgreatlyandwe

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Thisassignmentwasauniqueexperience.Ineverexpectedmyselftobethinkingofmydeathmuch lessplanningmyfuneral.Itisonethingtothinkaboutdyinglaterinlifeandnotworryingabout whatwillbedonethanactuallythinkingaboutdeathasifitwerenear.Recently,talkingaboutthe endoflifehadnotbeenhardforme,butthisassignmentshowedmethattalkingaboutdyingand deathingeneralisnotsimilartothinkingaboutthedeathofoneselforalovedoneAfactorthatI wouldsayhasplayedaroleinmebeinghesitantincompletingthisassignmentwasbecauseofwhat myfatherhastoldmeaboutwhatisacceptableforthelivingregardingdeathaccordingtohis cultureBerger(2010)talkedabouthowdeathisperceiveddifferentlyindifferentcultureInthe culturemydadwasbornandraisedinnothingthatcouldbeassociatedwithdeathcouldbedone.

Forexample,measuringoneselfsuchasthelengthofone'shand,feet,height,etc.wasnot acceptablebecausemydadhadbeentaughtthatthiswasonlydoneforthosethatweredeadinorder tofindtherightcasket.Forsometime,IbelievedwhatmyfathertoldmebutasIgrewIrealized thattalkingaboutdyinganddeathwasokay,thatindeeditwashelpfulandinsomeaspects necessary,butlikeIpreviouslysaid,whenitbecomesmorereal(asitdidinthisassignment),itfeels odd.

ThereweremanythingsthatIfoundsurprisingandinterestingindoingthisassignment.Forstarters, oneof ...Getmorecontent...

IunderstoodsufferingandloveandhowtheybothwenthandandhandwhenIlookeddownatmy father'sgravestoneforthelasttime.Thecemeterywasnice–well,as"nice"asacemeterycouldbe. Pavedpathslinedtheland,sonoonehadanexcusetostompalloverthegrassintheirshoes.You'd thinkthegrassthenwouldbeanuntouchedsummergreen;instead,italwaysgaveoffthelooktome asbeinghalf–deadAsifitcouldtellitresidedinagraveyard,soitofcoursemirroredtheonly thingitknew–death.Itwasaweatheredday.Windpulledonmyjacketcollar,asharpbreeze passingcompletelythroughme.Theairhowledintomyears,screamingthingsIcouldnotmake senseofThegreyskywastwolargestretched–outhandsreachingforeachotherLayersupon layersofashencloudlinedaboveme,hidingtheblueandsunlighttrappedbehind.Yet,thebriefest ofsunraysbrokethroughsmallholesinthecinderhaze,onlytoilluminatethetopoftheaginghead stonejustbriefly.Butthescenewasn'tasoff–puttingasitwouldhavebeentoothers.Instead,I foundsomecomfortinthecoldanddarkness.Itwasasiftheworldwasmourninghisdeath.The wind,sidebysidewithme,inthistimeIwonderedthenwhatitwouldbelikeiftheearthcould trulyfeel.Maybelifewouldbelesscruelinthatway.Mothernaturewouldlookintomeandsee whatlaybeneath–ayoungboyhiddeninmyshadowcastedontotheground.Ayoungboywitheyes downpouringlikethe

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Asstrangeasitmaysound,deathhasalwaysintriguedme.Growingup,myHalloweencostumes tendedtorelatetodeath,suchascorpsesorzombies.Myfellowacquaintanceswereatad apprehensivethatIwouldendupanecrophiliaconeday–whichIcanassureyouthatIamnot. Deathisjustanideathathasalwaysstruckmyinterest.No,Idonotwishtodie;however,Itendto wonderfrequentlyabout"theotherside"Personally,IdonotbelieveinChristianity;Iamnotone whobelievesinheavennorhell.Ihavemyowntheoriesoftheafterlife,forIamnotsurethereis justonesimpleanswer.

Regardless,deathissomethingthatcatchesuptoallofus,itisinevitableDuetothisbeingthefate ofalllivingbeings,Ifinditeven...showmorecontent...

Idonotmeantomakepeopleuncomfortable,butdeathseemstomakepeoplewanttoinstantlyturn theothercheek.

Unfortunately,deathisnotatopicthatpeoplefreelyconverseabout.Mostpeopleshyawayfromthe thought,especiallyeversincetheidioticacronym"YOLO"cameabout–whichIfindratherignorant consideringitisimpropergrammarusageanditmakesnosense.Yes,Ibelieveinlivingmylifeand enjoyingeverymoment,butIacknowledgedeath,Iknowitisthere,stalkingme.Ihaveaccepted thefactthatsomedayIwillbetheoneinthesoftlypaddedcoffinwithmyfamilyandfriends surroundingme.Whyisthatsohardforotherstoacceptthat?Itisnottheendofeverything,itis justtheendofhereandnowforthatone,specificsoul Duetomycomfortablenessaroundandwithdeathanddying,Ithinkthatiswhattrulyleadmeto yearntobeamortician.DeathissomethingthatIknowtobeinevitable,andweshouldcelebrate death,notmournit

However,anotherreasonIwouldalsolovebeingamorticianistocomfortthepeoplewhoare grievingandmakethemseeandunderstandhowthisisagoodthing–thatiswhatIforeseeasthe greatestopportunityinfuneralservices.Iwanttomakepeopleunderstandthatthisisnottheendof forever,justtheendofhereandnow.Iwantthemtomakesurethattheyknowthat,nomatterwhat theybelievein,we

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TheDeathofmygrandmotheralifeexperiencethatchangedmyIdentity Mysenseofindependencewasshatteredwhenmygrandmotherdepartedfromthisworld.Ilostmy grandmotherandthisexperienceshatteredmyperspectiveoflifeLosingalovedonewaslike havingawisdomtoothpulledwithoutanyNovocain.

Inspiteofthispainfuloccurrencehappeningtomeattwenty–fouryearsofage,emotionssuchas shock,anger,andguilt,cameintoplaycreatingchaos.Irerunherdeathinmymind,yetunableto completelyforgetthesadness,similartoasynopsis.Thesefeelingscanbefrighteningand overwhelming;howeverIhavelearnedhowtocopeandwiththerealizationthatlifeanddeathare phenomenalbothintertwined.Ispeculatethat...showmorecontent...

ItwasnolongerjustareportcardthatIwasgetting;inadditiontoeachgradeIreceivewillbea remembranceofmygrandmotherwhomIsodeeplyloved.Iamdeterminedtonotonlygraduate college,buttograduatewithsuperiorgradesenoughtopleaseher.Tothisday,itisaconstant struggle,likeanyolderadultscontinuingthereare Conquestofhigherlearningmanytwistsandturnsupsanddowns.IcansayIknowwithhavinga lovingfamilybymysidetosupportmenomatterwhatthesituationmaybeMostimportantly,I havemygrandmother'smemorydeeplyinbreeded.Eventhoughitmaynotbephysically,shewill alwaysbeinmyheart,pushingmetobethefinestthatIamcapableofbeing.

Mysenseofindependencewasshatteredwhenmygrandmotherdepartedfromthisworld.Ilostmy grandmotherandthisexperienceshatteredmyperspectiveoflife.Losingalovedonewaslike havingawisdomtoothpulledwithoutanyNovocain.

Inspiteofthispainfuloccurrencehappeningtomeattwenty–fouryearsofage,emotionssuchas shock,anger,andguilt,cameintoplaycreatingchaos.Irerunherdeathinmymind,yetunableto completelyforgetthesadness,similartoasynopsis.Thesefeelingscanbefrighteningand overwhelming;howeverIhavelearnedhowtocopeandwiththerealizationthatlifeanddeathare phenomenalbothintertwined.Ispeculatethatwhenonepassesontheycontinuetobe

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SectionA:IamMexican–American,borntoMexicanimmigrantparents,andbybirthrightan Americancitizen.Inmyphenotype,IdonotlooklikeastereotypicalAmerican,withblondehair, blueeyes,oralightcomplexion.Ihaveblackhair,darkbrowneyes,andalightbrownskin complexion.WhileexploringmyMexican–AmericanorChicanaidentity,Icanrelatetothe developmentdescribedintheModelofDeathandDyingSince,Ihavetheprivilegesofan American,buthavewitnesseddiscriminationagainstmyMexicancounterparts.PartI:Themodelof DeathandDyingfirststageisdenial.Growingup,IdidnotthinkofmyselfasMexican–American. Inschool,IwastaughtAmericanhistory,wecelebratedAmericanholidays,IspokeEnglish,Iwas beingeducatedineveryacademicaspect,butnotaboutmyMexicanheritage.Thus,Iexclusively identifiedasanAmerican.IdidnotassociatewithbeingMexican,Ispokethelanguage–Spanish, butIcouldnotunderstandtheimpactthatdiscrimination,stereotypes,andlegalstatushasonpeople. Thesecondstageofthemodelisanger,onceenrolledincollege,IregisteredinaSpanishliterature classOnthefirstdayofclass,theprofessorreadusapaperwrittenbyapreviousstudentofhis,in whichhedescribedhowhewasconstantlytreateddifferentlythanhiscounterpartsforbeinga darkerMexican–American.Hispeersunderminedhisintelligenceandquestionedhisenrollmentin university,additionally,wouldoftenmockhim

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ReflectionPaper

Thedeathanddyingclasshashelpedinchangingmyperceptionaboutdeathandalsohas enlightenedmeaboutthecostofatraditionalAmericanfuneral.Ilearnedsomuchfromthisclass;I cannotwriteitallonthispaper.SomeoftheinformationthatIamgoingtowriteaboutare:the differentstagesofdeath,howitisinfluencedandthelittledeathswefaceinourlivesGreenburial, embalmingandhomefuneral,someofthedifferentculturaldeath,livingwillandadvancedirective, andthesuicidecontract,childrenunderstandofdeath,dyingwithoutanextofkinandtheneardeath experience

UnderstandingDeath

Thisclasshashelpedmeunderstoodthatdeathisnotonlythelossofourlovedonesbutalso theshowmorecontent

Thefamilycankeepthebodyathomeforseveraldays,bathethebodyandbuildtheircoffin.They sharememoriesofthedeceasedGreenburialsconservelandandcostlesscomparedtotraditional burial(Tripler,2013).Findingoutthatembalmingdoesnotpreservethebodyforeverwas interesting,whenanembalmedbodyisexhumedmostpeoplewillbehorrifiedtolookatit(Tripler, 2013).ItwasgoodtolearnaboutotherdifferentwaysofburialintheUnitedStates.

Culturaldeath

Therearedifferentculturaldeathmentionedinthisclass,IfoundthedayofthedeadandLiving withtheDeadinteresting.Knowingotherpeopleculturehavealwaysbeenintriguingtome.Itis interestingtolearnaboutallthisdifferentdeathculture;manybelievethatdeathisnottheendbut thebeginningofanewjourneyTheDayoftheDeadcelebrationisdonebasedonthebeliefthat makingthespirithappywillprovidegoodluckandprotectiontothedeceasedfamily.Accordingto DespelderandStrickland(2015),itisabeliefthatone'swell–beingdependsonrespectfully rememberingthedeathandtheritualisamoralobligationtothedead.Livingwiththedead,burial isdelayedinothertoallowfamilymemberstogriefandpreparefortheafterlifeandtheburialis expensiveThebodycanberemovedfromthegraveeverycoupleofyearsforthe"me'nene" ceremony.Thesetwoculturesaredifferentfrommine,inmyculturewhensomeonediesalltheir deedsiswhatis

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JackieO Justlikethat,gone.

WegetintothecarandleavefortheairporttogettoDallas.WegetintotheAirForceOneandstart ourshortflightWelandatLoveFieldandmeetwiththeJohnsonsWegetouttoecstaticfans cheering.Wewalkedbywhatseemedmilesoffences,thathadhundredsofpeoplebehindthem. WegetintotheX–100andstartourwaytotheluncheonattheDallasTradeMart.Whenwefinally turndownMainStreet,Icouldalmostfeeltheenergycomingfromthe150,000pluspeoplethat werethereforthetenmilemotorcaderoute.

WeturnoffMainStreetatDealeyPlaza,andfasterthanyoucansayshootIfoundmyselfreaching forpiecesofJohn'shead.

IseebuildingafterbuildingsrushpastmeaswespeeddowntheroadtogettoParklandMemorial HospitalWegetthereandtheytryatracheostomyandotherthings,butnothingworked,Johnwas gone.Hewasofficiallypronounceddeadat1pmthatafternoon.Mydaywentfromgreetingpeople thatwereecstatictoadayofmourning.

AttwopmonNovember22wassucharelievingtimeforme,LeeHarveyOswaldwasarrestedand chargedwithmurderofanofficer.

EventhoughtheguywhokilledmyJohnpaidforwhathedid,Iwillneverbeablelivewithmyself becauseIdidn'tprotecthim.IfIwould'vereactedtothefirstgunshot,maybeJohnwouldstillbe alive.

ThreedayslaterwasthefuneralofJohn,November25,1963WeburiedhimattheArlington NationalCemetery. Johnmovedtothe

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DeathReflectionPaper

Deathisanimpactfulconceptthatfillsnearlyeveryfacetofourmodern,andhistoricalsociety. Nevertheless,thewidereachingimpactithasleftonhumanitysinceourinceptionisconstantly beingunrealizedandneglected.Whenitcomestoawkwardsilences,deathmustbethemost awkwardbyfar.TheperspectivebeatenintomeasanAmericanpoorlyconceptualizesdeath,and leadstorampantfearandironyOverthepasttwosemestersthatperspectivehasbeenslowlyeaten awayasIstartedtoquestiontheoriginofthethoughtsIoncefoundsoconcrete.Theplacesmy mindtravelsusedtoscareandintimidateme,asifconditionedfromayoungagetorejectthatlevel ofcriticalthinkingandbecomenothingmorethanaone–dimensionalcogTheanalysisofdeath takenoninthisclassshowedmethebrutalironyitembodiesinoursociety.Weliveinadaytoday immortalitythatissotwistedanddeceptive,allwefindinourfinalmomentsisahallowyetobvious realization.Secularandnon–secularinstitutionsplayabigroleinhowweimaginedeath,itisthis ironyhoweverthatexhibitshumanitiestragicdisillusion.

AsI'vecometoexperienceandresearchtheoriginsoftheguidingreligionsofthehistoricaland modernworld,theknowledgeofdiscrepancieshascometobethemostinterestingdetail.Founded inanancientworld,manyofthesereligionstendtolosespecificdetailssurroundingtheirorigins. WhileexploringtheoriginsofChristianity,itbecameclear

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TheclientpopulationIworkwithatCKMcClatchyHighSchoolareteenagerswhoseagesrange from14to19.TheStudentSupportCenterwhereIworkisanadditionalresourceforstudentswho seekemotional,social,behavioral,oracademicsupport,somyroleistobeavailableforanystudent whowalksinorisreferredbyschoolstafforaparent.AlthoughIwasquicktounderstandthebest waysofworkingwithmypopulationandI'vegrowncomfortableworkingwithteenagersingeneral, theaspectthatIfindchallengingisworkingwithteenagerswhoaregrievingadeathintheirfamily orcommunity.IbelievethatthisistheareainwhichIneedtogrowinbecauseIhavenever experiencedgriefinmyfamilyasintenseaslosingmymother,forexample,whichIthinkisa problembecauseIcannotapplymyUseofSelf.Tobetterassistmyself,inthispaperIwillanalyze onepeer–reviewedarticleandtwobooksaboutteengriefandlinkatheoreticalperspectivethat demonstratesthoughtfulevidence–basedpractice.IntheirbooktitledLivingThroughLoss: InterventionsAcrosstheLifeSpan,HooymanandKramer(2010)provideusefulinformationon adolescentsthatiscrucialtounderstandtheirgrievingpatternsTheauthorsanalyzegriefandlossin everydevelopmentalstageofourlives,andgoindepthintoeachstage.HooymanandKramerfind thedevelopmentalconsiderationsofadolescentscrucialinunderstandingtheirgrief.Essentially, takingintoconsiderationthat

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2

ReflectivePaper–APersonalJourneyofLossandGrief

AsitappliestotheDualProcessand TheMeaningReconstructionModels

TammyReynolds

JanuaryTATIDL2017–2018course

November6,2017

ClaudiaMandlerMcKnight

ArtTherapy,Spirituality,GriefandLoss Finalassignment

Introduction

ThisreflectionpaperwillattempttoexplorethegriefandlossofmyfatherasitrelatestoStroebe andSchut'sDualProcessModelofBereavementandNeimeyer'sMeaningConstructionModel (citedinSLister,2008)

Iwillexpandonthetwomodelsandpositthatthebereavementprocessisacombinationofboththe dualprocessandthemeaningconstructionmodelsasitrelatestomygrievingprocessovertheloss ofmyfatheronshowmorecontent

Thebereavedpersonwilloscillatebetweenthelossofthelovedone,themeaningofthelossand howitrelatestotheperson'slife,theircircumstancesandtheirrelationshiptothedeceased.Thisis thedefinitionoftherestorativeorientationwhentheindividualoscillatesbetweentheemotions surroundingthelossandattimesengaginginactivitiesthateitherignoreordenytheemotionsofthe loss(SLister,andal,pg246)

TheMeaning–ReconstructionModel

Neimeyer(citedinS.Listerandal.,2008)positstherearesixpropositionsasitappliestogriefand bereavement:Thedeathofthelovedonecaneithervalidateorinvalidatetheperceptionthatwe haveaboutdeathorourunderstandingofdeath;Griefisanintimateandpersonalprocessthat examineswhoweareandwhatourself–narrativeisbecauseoftheloss;Grievingissomethingthat wedobecauseofalossandnotsomethingthatisdonetous;Thegrievingprocesseitheraffirmsor reconstructsourworldbecauseoftheloss;Expressingandhavingfeelingsareimportantandvitalto thegrievingprocessandthatfindingmeaningormeaning–makingeffortsafteralsoimportant Thesefeelingsandemotionsalsohaveafunctionduringthegrievingprocess;and,finally,theloss notonlyhasapersonalnarrativebutasocialnarrativeforthebereaved.(S.Listeretal.,pg.247)

Thismodelviewssignificant

LosingaLovedOne

Losingalovedoneislikehavingtherugsweptfromunderyou.Wemakeplansfortheday,anddo notthinktwiceabouthowthoseplanscanbetakenawayintheblinkofaneye.Ineverthought muchaboutitmyself,untilIwasfacedwiththeshock,andundeniabletruthofmyuncle'sdeath.I donotthinkanyonereallythinksabouttragedyuntiltheyareactuallyfacedwithshockingnewsIt isamazinghowwetakelifeforgranted.Thetragedynevergoesaway.Youjustlearnhowtocope withitandkeepmovingon.

MymomhadbeengoingtoschoolinVirginiaandstayingatmyAuntAna'shouseShehadbeen awayfortwoweeksandwantedtocomehomefortheweekend.MymomhadsuggestedthatIgo backwithherandvisitshowmorecontent

IfeltasifIwasparalyzed,IfeltthatifImoveditwouldbereal.Ijusthadthisblanklookonmy face.IhadnoreactionatfirstandIwantedtodenyit,allofit.Ikeptsayingtomyself,noitisalie, theymadeamistakeTomycompletehorrorIwaswrong

Mymomkeptsaying"IhavegottogoseeFran.Ineedtoseewithmybrother"Mymomrandown stairstogetreadytogo,Ifollowedherandjuststoodthere,stillparalyzed.Shehuggedmeandsaid thatshelovedme.Ihadneverseenmymomsopanicked.Shewentintothebathroomtotakea showerandIcouldstillhearhersobbingthroughthedoor.Iwasallbymyself,now.Iwasstanding inthemiddleofthefamilyroomasthewords"Heisdead"piercedmyheartlikedaggersoficeI wasscreamingOH,GODNO,andstartedtocryuncontrollably.TherealizationthatIwouldnever seemyuncleagainstruckme.AfterIgotmyselfundercontrolIwentandpackedmythingstoleave withmymotherAssoonasweweredonewewereonthenextflighttoNewJersey Icomefromabigfamilywithmanylovingaunts,uncles,cousins,andgrandparents.AsIwas standingthereallaloneIthoughtbacktothetimewhenIgottospendaweekwithFran.Almosta yearagotothedate,mostofthefamilywastogetherformyotheruncle'swedding.Allthecousins satatthesametableandwehadsuchagoodtimetogether.Hewasabusyperson,he

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Mostindividualsfeeluncomfortablewhentalkingtotheterminallyillaboutdyingorgrief.Mostof ustrytoavoiditandmostoftensaythewrongthingsornothingatall.Nowsometimessittingand listeningcanbejustwhatthepatientneeds,butifnotthenweneedtobepreparedonhowtotalkto theterminallyillortheirlovedones.Ialsodidnotfeeltoocomfortablewithtalkingaboutdeathand dyingwhichwasironicbeingthatIwasaninternattheHospiceHouseTherefore,Ijoinedmyfield educator'sgriefrecoverygroupasamember.Thiswasan8–weeklearningexperiencewhichhelped mepreparefortheseminar.Iparticipatedinthecoursewithtwootherfemales.Thisclient involvementhelpedmebetterunderstandthegriefshowmorecontent

Thisarticleaddresseswhatnottosaytogrievers,whattoask,andsuggestsusingfeelingwords whentalkingtogrievers.Thisarticleishelpfulforanyonewhohastotalktotheterminallyillor theirlovedonesbecauseitbetterpreparesyoutodoso.ThistypeofmethodiswhatKerryand Charlottearetrainedinandfindtobethebestpracticefortheirprofession.

ThenextarticleIresearchedwas"Death,bereavementandcollegestudents:adescriptiveanalysis"

Themainfocusofthisresearchwastodiscoverhowhelpfultalkingaboutdeathwaswhenthey experiencedafamilymemberdying.TheresearchwasconductedattheKansasStateUniversity. Thesurveysweredistributedtoundergraduatesenrolledinaone–semesterlowerdivisioncourse.A totalof994studentscompletedthesurvey.Thesurveywaspassedoutinfiveseparatesemesters, thusreplicated4differenttimesAccordingtoDavidEBalk(1997),818%ofstudentswho completedthesurveyindicatedthatfamilydeathoccurred.7.2%hadreportedthattheyhadnot talkedtoanyoneaboutdeath.43.6%consideredtalkingaboutdeathveryhelpfulorsomewhat helpfulat428%bymostofthestudents125%foundtalkingwasneitherhelpfulnor unhelpful.0.9%foundtalkingwasnothelpful."(Balk,1997)Theseresultsindicatethatoveralltalking helpedthecollegestudentswhoexperiencedgrief. Thelast

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Grief,loss,anddeathareallemotionsandexperiencesthatweoftenassociatewithnegativelife events.Incopingwithgrief,loss,anddeaththereareseveraldifferentmethods.Whetherit'syour personalitytype,economicsituation,residentiallivingconditions,orsupportsystem.Weallcope withpainandagonyindifferentways.Inthisreflectiveessay,Iwilltalkabouttwoofmypersonal experienceswithgriefandloss,andthemethodsIuseinordertocopewiththemMyparents' divorce,andlackingextendedfamilypresencehavecausedmetobothgrieveandflourishintothe individualIamtoday.

TheratesofdivorcewithinCanadahavesteadilyincreasedovertheyearsIn2005,thenumberof divorcedcoupleswithinOntariowas28,805(StatisticsCanada,2008)!Oneyearlater,myfamily wouldsoonbeaddedtothatnumber.WhenIwasingradefourmyparentsagreedupongettinga divorce.Tooffersomeinsightintotheirrelationship,myparentscametogethertoCanadaasrefuges fromEthiopia.Therefore,mysisterandmyselfarefirstgenerationchildrenlivinginCanada.My parentsbickeredoftenneartheendoftheirmarriage,andsothedivorcewasnotashocktome However,whenthedivorceoccurreditstillstruckmeasanoverwhelminglyemotionalevent.When thefightingfirstoccurred,myfathersatmysisterandIdowntohaveaconversation.Helookedat usintheeyesandsaid,"Don'tworry,yourmotherandIwillnevergetadivorce."Irememberthose emptywordstothisday.Rememberingthosewordsonlybringsemotionsofgriefanddespairtomy mindAftermyparentshadsettledontheideaofadivorce,thenextstepwasdecidingwherethe children(mysister,andmyself)wouldstay.Therewasameetingplannedwithchildrenservices,as wellasmyparents.Weallsatinalargeconferenceroomtogether.TheysatmysisterandIacross frommymotherandfatherThentheyaskedus,"Whowouldyouliketostaywithoncethedivorce issettled?"Thisposesalargequestionontochildrenof9(me)and12(sister)yearsold.Havingto choosebetweentwoparents,ultimatelyassumedthatIwouldbelosingtheparentthatIdidn't choose.Inthesecircumstances,myparents'

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Todaywasfuneralday.Mymom'sfuneral.ItwasadarkOctoberthursday,thecloudswerebrewing astorm.Aslightbreezedisturbedmyneck.Myuncomfortablesuitsleevesbellowedinthecold breeze..Ihadn'tfeltanyemotionssincethedayofherdeath,whichwasweeksago,almostasifmy emotionisgrey.Itwaswarmthen,asmymindwastoo.Nowadays,upuntiltoday,mymindhas beenadarkfog,asifmymindwasreleasedintothesky,darkeningeveryone'sday,arrivingatmy mom'sfuneralorjusttocuddleupwiththeirfriendsandfamilyinfrontofawarmcracklingfire, tellingthestoriesoftheirchildhoodandhowtimeswerebetter.Notme,mydadusuallyignoredme andheonlyworkedonmanagingmymom'sfortuneYeahMymom'sshowmorecontent Itwasrathercalming,eveninthistimeofdarkness.Istumbledandstartedtokickmydressshoes off.Iwasdrenchedbynow,andIliterallyhadnothingtolose.Ifeellikeadarkabyss.AmImaking thistodark?ShouldIcrackacouplejokesaboutmynewlydeadmom?Mymourningnow depressedfather,coopedupwithsomuchworkofmydeadmomsfortunehehasnotimetoeven properlytogothroughthecopingstagesoflosingsomeone?Yeah,mylifeisgreat!Mightaswell makefunofeverythingthat'swrongwithme.Isn'tthatwhatmostcomediansdo?Theyalwaysend upkillingthemselves.Nowthat'sfunny!Okay,it'sreallynot,I'mjustacruelteenagergoing throughsomestuff.I'mdarkandsarcastic,deadmomornot.WhyamIgoingonaboutthis?I'm runningoutofbreath,butI'mnotsweatyoranything,itisnowturningdarkandcolder,myblurred visionnowgettingworseandworseThestreetlightsturnon,showingbigorangeblurrybulbs downthecobbledroad.

Mybarefeetpatteredagainstthewetstonesmakinglittlesplashedbystep.IwonderhowlongI havebeenrunning,forIwasn'toutofbreathWhichwasweird,fortheonlyphysicalthingIever usuallydoisshoothoopsandlongboard.Iwasnowherenearoutofbreath,whichfeltkindagood. MyfeetwerecrampingterriblybutIproceedtoroundadarkcorner.Thiswaswhenthebeginning ofmyshortlifechanged

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Lossandgriefareaspectsoflifewhich,unfortunately,everypersonwillexperienceatsomepointin time.Asastudentnurse,itisimportanttobegintoexpandourknowledgewiththistopicasitis likelywewillcomeacrosstheexperienceoflossandgriefoverthecourseofourcareer.Friedrich. andWustenhagen(2017)describegriefasastrongemotionprecipitatedbythelossofapersonor aspectoflifeWecanbegintopreparefortheseconsequencesinordertoprovidethepropercare andcomforttothoseexperiencingloss.AfellowstudentandIfacilitatedagroupdiscussionwith otherstudentsinourseminartocriticallyreflectongriefreactions,meaning–makingtheoryand therapeuticcommunicationfromanarticleweshowmorecontent

Therapeuticcommunicationispatientfocused,establishestrustandincludescaringforallaspectsof healthincludingmental,spiritualandphysical(Martin&Chanda,2016).Studentsfeltcomfortable sharingideasduringtheplanneddiscussions.Priortothefacilitation,mypartnerandIhadwritten outalengthylistofpossibleideaswehadwantedtheparticipantstohighlight,allofwhichtheyhad outlinedAftereachstudentsharedtheiridea,werespondedinawaytodemonstrateactivelistening byreflecting.Toreflect,Iwouldrespondbyacknowledgingtheideapresentedfollowedby expandingslightlytofurtherunderstandwhatwasbeingconveyed.Reflectinggeneratedaresponse fromeachstudentwiththemeitheragreeing,orexplainingitfurther.Weusedopen–endedquestions togenerateathoughtfulresponse,essentiallyavoidingone–wordanswerstatements.Afterastudent hadpresentedanidea,IaskedherifshecouldexpandonitFollowingtheopen–endedquestion,the studentcontinuedtoconveyherideainawayeveryoneunderstood,establishingeffective communicationwiththegroup.MartinandChanda(2016)outlinetheeffectivenessoftherapeutic communicationincreatingatrustingrelationshipbetweenthenurseandpatientwhichallowsthe patienttoexpressthoughtsandfeelingsopenly.Buildinguprapportwithourfellowstudents allowedthemtofeel

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