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of a “wonderful melon flavor drink,” lots of liqueurs, and profuse secret ingredients, the Hand Grenade operates in stealth. The candied beverage offers you a warm, familiar nuzzle up front. But on the backend, if one isn’t careful, a few too many and you’re speaking in tongues trying to barter with the Lucky Dog cart employee, offering up your pants as a form of acceptable currency. Tourists beware.

PORT OF CALL - THE MONSOON

On most people's first visit to Port of Call, they asked if they could have fries on the side of their burger, and the server quickly replied, “No, because we don’t serve them.” Respect. This 50 plus year old dive is known for their mouth-watering and arguably best burger in New Orleans, coupled with a loaded baked potato so large it doubles as a lethal weapon. But what gets overlooked too often when French Quarter boozing is the monsoon. Neptune’s monsoon is described on their website as “an old recipe used frequently as a last request by pirates condemned to walk the plank.” Most couldn’t tell you what’s in it if their life depended on it; although, when consuming, you’ll most likely have to firmly grasp your signature plastic cup with both hands as if you were a toddler with its sippy cup. One Monsoon will leave you walking as if you’ve grown a peg leg. Just one.

LAFITTE’S BLACKSMITH SHOP - PURPLE DRANK

If you know, you know. If you don’t, well, you’re about to find out. Built sometime between 1722 and 1732, Lafitte’s is reputed to be the one of the oldest standing structures originally used as a bar in the United States. Its dimly-lit walls have dusty photos from various celebrities who have sauntered in throughout the years. And unless you wish to appear to be a walkingrepresentative, refrain from uttering the words “voodoo daiquiri.” It’s purple drank. Sounds cute, right? Don’t let the delicious grape flavor and ease going down fool you, it’s essentially an Everclear slushy. Your vision will dissipate, the candle-lit bar will begin to blur, your jokes are funnier, people are more attractive. Wait! Is it still daylight outside? If you’re lucky, stick around long enough and a piano player will sit in a seated position tucked into a dark corner and before you know it, you’re embracing strangers while belting out Elton John’s “Rocket Man.” Lafitte’s is a favorite among locals and tourists alike—a rare occurrence.

PAT O’BRIEN’S - THE HURRICANE

Pat O’s was constructed in 1791 and was the first Spanish Theatre in the United States until Pat O’Brien and Charlie Cantrell purchased the property in 1942 and transformed 718 St. Peter Street into what it is today. It is not just a hurricane—it is the Hurricane—as in, the original. In the 1940’s, compliments of World War II, domestic liquor was scarce but rum coming into New Orleans up the Mississippi River was practically being given away. Pat O’s seized this as the perfect business opportunity, developed a recipe, threw it into a glass shaped like a hurricane lamp and—boom—the Hurricane was born. Sure, the outside patio is spacious, and, yes, there’s a fountain of fire, but the real party is on the inside—three words: dueling piano bar. Two copper-topped baby grand pianos face one another upon a stage surrounded by enough inebriated patrons positioned in wooden chairs to make the fire marshal raise an eyebrow. The performers are a class act and yes, they take requests in exchange for tips. If you really want to bring the house down, toss “Zombie” by the Cranberries into the mix. You’re welcome.

MOLLY’S AT THE MARKET/ERIN ROSE - FROZEN IRISH COFFEE

As Kevin McCallister once said, “You guys give up? Or are you thirsty for more?” Jim Monaghan’s frozen Irish coffee can be purchased at either location, so why restrict yourself to just one? Sweet, mind-numbing, and delectable—it’s the perfect boozy pick-me-up after one too many at your previous destinations. Both of these French Quarter bars operate more as a neighborhood joint. It’s the people that make them. If your timing is fortunate, grab a spot at the window and allow those passing by to provide the entertainment as the day settles into night. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, order a shot of Skrewball (peanut butter whiskey) to throw in the mix and revel in your ingenuity/borderline alcoholism. The frozen concoction will undoubtedly force you to slow things down just a tad while providing that extra much-needed caffeine kick.