23 BACKPAGE 12 Chamber of TKErets has been opened A OCT
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2013
Our anonymous source (above) prepares to fight the Brosalisk. Photo by Barton
n unnamed, former Pio sports and Backpage writer, poetry-writing Tau Kappa Epsilon senior agreed to speak to reporters in attempts to dissipate the cloud of mystery surrounding the much-rumored and mysticized Chamber of TKErets. Our unnamed, English and philosophy double major source confirmed the rumors we have all feared to be true. “The Chamber of TKErets has indeed been opened,” he said. He explains that upon the formation of the TKE fraternity here at Whitman College, the founding members decided that in order for the fraternal order to remain pure and “bomb-diggity,” drastic measures had to be taken. The founding members installed a secret chamber, or “basement,” underneath the house in which resides a heinous and hella-tight creature known as the Brosalisk. What little information we have on the fearsome Brosalisk
was found in a book clutched in the hands of a first-year TKE passed out from pulling an all-nighter on the fourth floor of the library in order to finish his Encounters paper. “Whitman: A History,” the book the first-year found, revealed that the Brosalisk is a “sick and gnarly creature” who possesses razorsharp fangs and black-light eyes. Its cry of mad beats has the power to make anyone burst out into dance. The book states, “The purpose of the Brosalisk is to seek out nerds and keep them from entering the Chamber of TKErets.” Blind in all settings unaccompanied by light shows, the Brosalisk tracks down these “nerds” using its keen sense of smell, and then incapacitates its victims in fits of dancing to the Brosalisk’s dubstep cry. Paralyzed by sweet dance moves, these “nerds” are incapable of entering into the sacred realm of the TKE basement and thereby the unquestionable
coolness of the Tau Kappa Epsilon Fraternal Order is preserved for generations of TKEs to come. Lyle Sealsly, a junior TKE, supports the presence of the Brosalisk on campus, stating that “All of those other frats — the BETAclaws, the SIGendors and the HufflePHIs — are all letting so many nerds into their parties. It’s an abomination; they are polluting their own bro-purity with these nerdbloods.” “I am proud to be a SlytherTKE because we have standards,” said Sealsly. The Chamber was reportedly opened earlier this month as the true heir of TKE returned to the basement. The identity of the heir is cloaked in secrecy. However, our anonymous source (Gisten Taven) knows who the heir is. “I saw him last week. He walked into the Chamber, took the Brosalisk for a walk and then let him loose on campus. It was definitely Ryan Bro,” said Taven.
Campus Poetry Corner Vegan sexologist brings activism to bedroom
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n order to appear less frightening to students, the following campus agencies would like to make a few announcements in the form of limericks:
From the Office of the Dean of Students About grief, we have tried to be nice But it seems that you need some advice: We’ll put you on probation For re-incarnation ‘Cus grandmothers should not die twice. From the STD Prevention Initiative The Planned Parenthood Club has conveyed At their delight at the progress we’ve made Upon their inspection Not one new infection! ‘Cus none of us have gotten laid. From the chemistry department I’m all for a little libation When discussing amino substration, But we’re getting off task So I now have to ask: Don’t be drunk at your chem recitation. From the Maintenance Team From Science to Ankeny we jet Used water to keep the grass wet,
But the jets may come on While you mack on the lawn So please take it back into Jew-wett. From Security From the tall maple tree to the oak-ling We know you are climbing and smoking We won’t come and get you In fact, we’ll just let you Have fun climbing down after toking. From the dance department Whitman is well to the fore In its classes and teachers and more, But walk past Sigma Chi And we all want to cry, So dancing is now part of Core. From the biology department Your loved ones, for doctors, have prayed, But your numbers have got us dismayed. While French majors are lonely, We’re standing room only. We swear we will break out the Raid. From Bon Appétit Whether gluten/fat-free enchilada Or cactus leaves flown from Nevada, We’re just not in the mood To serve rich-people food, So from now on its burgers or nada.
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n Tuesday, Oct. 22, Whitman hosted Shanae Williams, renowned sexologist and vegan. Williams is known for her revolutionary coverage of vegan options for foreplay and sexual intercourse. She has visited Barack and Michelle Obama at the White House, and has spoken at Harvard, Columbia, Yale and many other prominent vegan loci. “I would eat whipped cream if the cows who made it didn’t live in filth and oppression. I would eat sushi if the fish weren’t wrenched out of their homes, destroying the ocean. I would eat chocolate if the people who picked the cacao beans were paid enough to thrive on, not just to live on,” said Williams. While pop culture celebrates intimacy with whipped cream and chocolate, Williams presented alternatives for those who are hungry, turned on and conscientious. “It’s all about what you can spread and lick. Quinoa is a bad choice because it rolls,” she said. She urged students to try new things like thinly sliced fruits, kimchi and
radishes, but she also made a point to clarify that any food could work. “When in doubt, blend it first,” said Williams. Williams prefers a Magic Bullet because it blends quickly, efficiently and makes a good amount, but told the audience that any blender would do. Students left the talk inspired and ready to take action. They celebrated Williams positive attitude, humor and message. “Some people felt like the talk with Nobel Peace Prize winner Rigoberta Menchú changed their lives; this talk changed my life,” said an enthusiastic sophomore. “From this moment on, I have vowed to be vegan in every way, and not just the ways it is most convenient to me,” said a first-year. Williams closed her talk with her message. “When we are consuming, giving love and making love, there is no reason to have caused any harm,” she said. “Unless you’re into that,” she added with a knowing wink.
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