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Oct
18 2012
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NASCAR makes minimum BAC rule
hakespeare once said that alcohol “provokes the desire but ... takes away the performance.” I don’t know what he was talking about there, but obviously Shakespeare didn’t think about NASCAR when he said that it would take away from the performance. Indeed, NASCAR executives announced, to the surprise of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) and other organizations, that it would now be instituting a mandatory minimum Blood Alcohol Content (BAC) in its drivers. “Plus the fans and the drivers will finally be on the same level,” said Jeff Gordon, a large proponent of the mandatory rule. The minimum BAC level instated is currently .08, legally drunk, but if you’re above .15, you only have to do half as many laps. The rule came after a year of falling ratings, with many people dismissing America’s favorite sport as just for hillbillies who like watching things go in circles. What do NASCAR fans love? Crashes and beer.
“So why not combine the two and make the sport require some actual skill for once?” said one board member. Indeed, the sport has made quite a comeback, and surprisingly, even Whitman students are putting down their Encounters books and tuning into ESPN to watch the drunken debauchery occurring on national television. Crashes have increased by 500 percent and some racers even get out of their cars to fight each other while cars zoom by at 200 miles per hour. The government, in a response to this quest for higher ratings, has sent police to attempt to pull over the NASCAR drivers on the track and write them up for driving while intoxicated. The police, of course, could not catch the drivers, which simply made for a hilarious episode of “Cops.” Formula One in Europe has attempted to get in on the ratings boost, but it turns out they were all drunk to begin with. “I’ve never had so much fun in my life. But sometimes
ILLUSTRATION BY MEASE
I do get a little carsick, due to all the turning and the booze,” said Dale Earnhardt publicly. MADD has respond-
ed thoughtfully and carefully. “Although it may seem fun at first, this is actually dangerous. They are drinking and driv-
ing at 200 miles per hour!” said a MADD spokesperson. NASCAR executives declined to comment on the new rule.
who exemplify the outdoorsy culture Whitman prides itself on.” When asked if he anticipated all 50 to make it back, Kyerly chuckled and recalled several of the potential students showing up in sneakers and few had warm clothes in anticipation for winter. He then pointed to Harvard’s six percent acceptance rate as a goal. The 50 students on the trip were selected through a lottery system to each represent a state, promoting geographic diversity. Some states’ representatives are more fit for the challenge than others, including several potential students with outdoor experience who volunteered for the challenge. While reports tell us that all 50 are still alive, the reality of the situation is beginning to set in for the scramblers. Food supplies are dwindling and soon the
scramblers’ only hopes will rest upon their survivor skills or their state’s willingness to send care packages. Many of the representatives have formed alliances to increase their chances of survival. The Bible Belt has banded together and, with the help of a trident found lying in the pathways, has established itself as a force not to be reckoned with. The Whitman Office of Admissions already has a betting pool on which students will come out on top, and some people are wagering entire paychecks. “Let’s just say that if the Appalachian region outlasts the West Coast, I will be excited by more than the geographical diversity offered by the incoming class,” said Cony Tabasco. Other representatives with highly anticipated survival include Ohio’s 6’9” basketball player who already has a starting spot waiting for him if he makes it, and Washington’s Katniss Evergreen who, despite utter incompetence, has received enormous support seemingly for her name alone. In the coming months, the scramble is expected to take on a more competitive atmosphere, with foul play not entirely ruled out. While the young adults struggle against the elements, each other and the competitiveness of admission to a selective liberal arts college, we can only hope that the odds are ever in their favor.
Attack of the clones THE W SCRAMBLE ith the Backpage’s amazing journalistic team revealing scandal after scandal this year, the school is threatening to close down The Pioneer for fear of future embarrassment. However, a journalist’s job is not done until every last bit of news is reported on and revealed to the public. Last Friday while going on my daily meander across campus, I came upon what looked like two identical people toting large camping backpacks, unkempt “just woke up” hair and Phi Delta Theta shirts. At first I did not think much of it, but upon closer examination, I realized that they were in fact exactly identical. I decided to investigate. Snooping around the science building, I discovered a strange pair of vats. Using my great knowledge of computers, I was able to open them, and what I discovered might shake the very foundation of the school. Inside the vats were two females, who upon seeing me gave me identical smiles. Their shirts were imprinted with the strange letters KKG. Perhaps some sort of serial identification number? Upon looking at the clock behind my head, they discovered it was time for “Game of
Thrones” and ran towards Prentiss. What is this insidious cloning that Whitman seems to be behind? Is the Office of Admission trying to cut down on the amount of work they have to do as Whitman climbs the college social ladder? Or is Whitman trying to perpetuate its image as an outdoorsy bed headed school? After all, what’s more indicative of cloning than seeing the same person three times a day while strolling across campus? After a lengthy interview with undercover informant Peppersuren Byambasuren (or Pepper for short), he informed me of the devastating truth: Whitman does not even care about getting a diverse student body like they claim. “[Whitman wants] a bunch of outdoorsy people who are genetically engineered to smile 99 percent more of the time than they frown. The only way to ensure this happens is to make clones of the perfect male and perfect female. For the male we picked specimen Dhavan Queue,” said Pepper, “We’re still looking for the perfect female, however.” If Whitman manages to do this task, we will quickly surpass Stanford as the most pretentious school on the West Coast.
Paleoalienology the scientific study of ancient extraterrestrial biology and culture
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s we enter into the second half of the semester, most first-years are getting settled into the rhythm of college life. Some first-years, however, still have not yet set foot on campus as enrolled students. While most scrambles found their way back to campus prior to classes, one group of students remains in the Wallowas, struggling to survive. This scramble, set to return in late December, will make up the 2013 Jan-start class. In a new program to promote the selectivity of the college, the Office of Admissions coordinated with the OP to send 50 young adults into the wilderness for a semester without proper training or a scramble leader. Devin Kyerly said of the new program, “The basic idea is that the students who make it back to campus will have to be students
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Dubblebaby by Toby & Sam Alden
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