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19 2013
Student just wants burger First-year roomies Laywatch
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instead of quinoa
ast Friday, as eager firstyear Kip Stevens entered Jewett Dining Hall, he was ecstatic to hear that there were, once again, burgers for lunch. “I really love hamburgers. I, like, could eat like five of them right now,” said Stevens. However, excitement soon turned to tragedy when Stevens attempted to have a ground beef hamburger placed onto his whole wheat bun. “I wanted a beef burger, you know? And then I was asked by the server if I wouldn’t prefer to have either the veggie burger or a black bean burger. When I insisted on the beef burger, I was denied service,” said Stevens. Hungry and beef-burgerless, Stevens expressed his great confusion to reporters. “I just don’t get it. All I wanted was a hamburger.” Several other incidents of the sort have been reported lately: tofu in curry instead of chicken, a seemingly extreme amount of hummus and countless inquiries to what seitan actually is. Such inquiries prompted reporters to take a closer look at the catering services on campus. These i nve s t igations have proven fruitful. While Whitman College can boast of having one of the highest nationally ranked college food providers known for its dedication to sustainability and menu variety, Bon Appétit, frequently referred to as Bon Ap, is keeping a secret. A Bon Ap informant, here unidentified for their protection, goes on record stating that secretly Bon Ap is slowly trying to convert all students to vegetarianism and ultimately veganism.
“Meat is just too hard to cook,” said our informant. “Plus, if we cut back on meat costs we can afford more quinoa, and who doesn’t want that?” Furthermore, once Bon Ap has successfully cut out all animal products of any kind, they plan on removing all wheat, soy, nuts, gluten, identifiability and flavor from their entire menu. Although most students of the vegetarian/vegan persuasion strongly support this decision, and have gone on record stating that they prefer their food to be “natural, bland and strangely textured.” However, other students fond of consuming animal products are forming a new support group known as Animal Eaters United. The group meets on Thursdays at 7 p.m. in the Glover Alston Center to cook meat and drink milk. All animal product eaters are welcome. It is unclear what the administration’s stance on Bon Ap’s flavor fade out, but it is of this reporter’s opinion that mo’ quinoa means mo’ problems.
not best friends
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candal rocked the quiet little community of Lyman House just outside of Anderson Hall last Friday, Sept. 13. At approximately 7:16 p.m. local time, nearby resident assistants received information of a domestic problem in room 216 of the Tower. Initial reports seem to indicate that firstyear residents Amanda Norman of Seattle and Lydia Oscar of Portland have not developed the strong bond of friendship experienced by most, if not all, Whitman first-years. Sophomore neighbors Jennifer Stevens of Bellevue and John Delainie of Seattle tell our reporters that they knew something was wrong as far back as the ‘80s Dance. “While the other roommate pairs were picking out neon tights and scrunchies together, Amanda and Lydia were not even in Lyman,” said Jennifer as she and John stood in the hallway late last night, nervously waiting as resident assistants attempted to mediate the situation between the two girls. “John said that he thought it was a little odd, but we just assumed they were pre-gaming together in Jewett Hall. It never occurred to us that they would be in separate places!” In fact, reports from other residents claim the girls did not go to any of the initial first-year activities together — not even Salsa Magic or the “Alcohol Talk,” despite having plenty of time to
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ILLUSTRATION BY BOWEN
get to know each other over the course of orientation week. When we called the Residence Life Office (or “Res Life” as it is colloquially known), a spokesperson for the agency told us that, even though such a thing is nearly unheard of, it is still too early to tell if Amanda and Lydia are truly not friends. However, due to the gravity of the situation, they are taking every step possible to investigate, and if these reports are indeed true, to try to bond the two girls. We could not reach either of the girls’ families for comment, though an uncorroborated report from Lydia’s high school friend claimed that Lydia once described Amanda as “nice enough,” though she may have gone on to say that they had no common interests. More on this story as it develops. Regardless, the sleepy, little community of Lyman House and Whitman College as a whole are still reeling from this unexpected tragedy. It may be weeks before we know the true extent of the damage, and so residents are simply forced to wait and see. For community members who are interested in helping, Res Life is taking donations and suggestions for team-building exercises outside of Memorial Hall from 9 a.m.–3 p.m. this Friday, where local indie band Charcoal Teapots will be playing a benefit concert open to the public.
Lost & Found
ound near the libes: Swipe card in ID card holder attached to Whitman College lanyard. Found in Olin Hall: Nalgene bottle with 15+ stickers on it. Come by Prentiss Room 106 to claim it. If you can name five of the stickers, it’s yours. Lost sometime during first year: My desire for brunch. It happens every single weekend and I’m so over it. What’s the big deal? Lost night of ‘80s Dance: Dignity. Probably hiding somewhere around 2-West dressed in neon and spandex. If found, please return to Lyman Room 330 before I get my first Encounters paper grade back.
Without it I’ll just go cry to my professor during office hours. Lost somewhere on campus: Sobriety. Seriously guys. I think I took my pants off at some point? Give me a call if you know what happened last night. Found in Maxey Hall Computer Lab: Essay entitled “Foucault and the contemporaneous intellectual discourse on plurality and mutualism.” I turned it in to your professor for you. You’re welcome. Lost: The weekend. Last seen at: Somewhere on Isaacs Ave. If found please return ASAP to Anderson Room 238. How else will I get my Gen Chem homework done on time?
The current state of affairs...
Hookups (Boning, Banging and More Boning – the original BBMB): Tom (’17) and Linda (’15): Offcampus house near Safeway Tom (’17) and Amanda (’15): Offcampus house near Safeway Jeff (’15) and himself (’15): Jewett Room 110 James (’17) and Tom (’17): Jewett Room 110, Jewett Room 315, Anderson Room F312 Lauren (’15) and Catherine (’16): Because of the song “Blurred Lines” Jeff (’15) and Jewett Couch (’14): Jewett 4-West Lounge Karen (’17) and Michael (’17): Beta (Furnace Room) Sarah (’17) and Steven (’17): Beta (Walk-in Fridge) Elaina (’17) and Steven (’17): Beta (TV room) Josh (‘17) and Brianne (‘17): Beta (Storage Room) Me (’14) and Anderson Cooper: Anywhere, anytime – just call me, Anderson. You are the silverhaired man of my dreams. Thinging: Elaine (’14) and Frank (’16) Conrad (’13) and “Waterfall Freechild” (Amy) (’16) Jamie (’17) and Joe (’14) FWB: Anderson (’16) and Catherine (’16) Jamie (’10) and Frieda (’10) Nick (’15) and the horrible loneliness of a postmodern existence Ollie (’15) and Lena (’15) “We don’t like to put labels on it”/“We are above ‘labels’”: Neil (’10) and Sonya (’17) Emily (’17) and Brian (’14) Brant (’14) and Jenny (’14) Pity Sex, Sympathy Bone or “Charity Hot-Dog”: Jeff (’15) and Rita (’17) “It’s just a casual thing” (when it really is not just a casual thing): Maggie (’16) and Bill (’16) Philip (’17) and Rina (’16) “It’s complicated”: Steven (’15) and Katherine (’14) Evahn (’17) and Erik (’17) In a relationship: There are currently no relationships on campus.
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