SNACKPAGE
PAGE
8
NOV
14 2013
Students just want snacks Studies show that snack culture is on the rise
R
ecent polls by The Huffington Post have revealed a shocking fact: Despite commonly held beliefs about college students, the amount of snacks students consume is far less than it was 30 years ago. Similar polls on Whitman’s campus confirmed this surprising decline. Though theories are abound, we decided to ask students about this apparent dearth and what they thought about it. For the most part, answers were relatively similar.
“I don’t really have snacks,” said sophomore Amy Durhann. “Sure, I’ll have occasional snacks, but for the most part I don’t. It’s mostly when I’m drunk.” “I never have snacks!” said first-year Allen Mitchel. “Some people do, but not me!” When asked if he liked snacks, he just laughed. “Of course I like snacks! Everybody does,” he said. Though not true of all students, most seem to agree with Allen. “I came to college thinking I’d be having a lot of snacks,” said senior Morgan Freisch as she sat with her friends on Ankeny Field. “But in reality I’ve been hungry for a few years!” Her friend, Lynda Miles ’13 from New York agreed. “You ask someone about having snacks, and they suddenly get weird,” she said. “Do West Coasters not like snacks? Because that shit should be in the brochure!” Senior Jenna Miles chimed in. “It is easier to have snacks
with townies — they are not nearly as up-tight as Whitman students!” she said, and the girls burst into laughter. But if students want snacks, what is preventing them? We asked Associate Professor of Sociology M. Gaye to give us a few hints. “I think there is just not the educational infrastructure for people to learn about snacks,” said Gaye. “Snack education at the high school level is atrocious and students are forced to turn to the Internet or to their peers to learn about snacks. Most of the informatiovn is incorrect!” Associate Professor of Psychology S. N. Pepa had another theory. “I think it is a particular product of Northwest culture. Students raised in the Portland or Seattle area don’t think snacks are bad, but they just have never talked about it. They don’t have the social vocabulary to express their desires honestly. And they also don’t really know how to ask for things in general — much less snacks.” Whatever the reason, stu-
dents across the board express significant frustration. “I’m just tired of all the drama,” said junior Mia Nye. “What’s so hard about just having casual snacks with a friend? And yet everyone makes it into a big to-do.” “Everyone here is so weird about snacks. I can’t wait ‘til I graduate,” said senior Aaron Billings. “Why is it that you get such a weird reputation if you like snacks?” sighed first-year Lydia Lord. “I’ve had enough.” “I really wish they had Doritos in the dining hall — how cool would that be?!” said first-year John Manchip. It’s time we had a conversation at Whitman! A conversation about snacks. Whitman is a Bastian of liberalism, forwardthinking and activism — so why can’t we talk about something as simple as snacks? It certainly isn’t because we aren’t thinking about it. The Backpage encourages students to be proactive — start the conversation yourself! Change starts small; educate yourself and remember that safe snacks are the best snacks!
Snackspose New science reveals that you should probably have a snack right now
F
or years we have been told that snacking is bad for you, that it is important to only eat three square meals a day and that snack foods and junk foods are terribly unhealthy. But new research is being done by snack scientists, or “snackentists” as they prefer, at prestigious universities all over the country. I am investigating their findings in order to answer the question we have been asking all along: should I eat a snack? In short, the answer is yes. Professor T.J. Snacksberg, a leading snackentist, has been researching the effects of snacks vs. no snacks on his test subjects, who are also his research assistants. His method is to divide his subjects into two groups, those who regularly receive snacks such as milk and cookies, Cheetos or chips and salsa when a bell is rung. The second group receives no snacks but rather three square meals of kale and brown rice without salt. “Upon observing my test subjects, I have noticed a few trends. The subjects who receive snacks are overall much jollier and go about their routines excitedly awaiting the next bell, while the non-snack group grumbles all day long, often falling asleep at work or complaining about their meals. They have also become more aggressive and hangry, as I like to say,” said Snacksberg. I have a personal experience with the hanger of the non-
snack fed subjects. When visiting the laboratory and observing the subjects, the hangry subjects attacked me as soon as they smelled the cookie in my pocket that I was saving from lunch. “I am of the opinion that snacking is of the upmost importance to the mental and physical health of human beings,” said Snacksburg. Dorita Lowenstein, Ph.D. in Snackology, is researching what sort of snacks are truly best for us. “Snacks are of the upmost importance in the human diet. We need snacks to keep us awake, to keep us from being bored and to keep us from being hungry for dinner. We need to snack,” she said. Lowenstein has been testing the effects of various snacks upon a wide range of test subjects. She postulates that the best snack is what she refers to as the “ultimate trisnackta,” which is one snack that simultaneously combines salty, sweet and savory. Although she has yet to find this ultimate trisnackta, she has experimented with the following combinations: chocolate-covered baconwrapped Cheetos, hummus truffle with a light dusting of Pixy Stix and Cheez-It cake with a salsa buttercream and chocolate ganache. She hopes to identify the perfect trisnackta before 2014’s International Snackology Conference. While there is much research still to be done, the consensus is clear: You should eat a snack.
Dorita Lowenstein, Ph.D. in Snackology, is attempting to create the ultimate snack. Photo by Sloss
SNACKSTISTICS:
MIDNIGHT
NUMBERS IN SNACKS
2270
SNACKS
35
Estimated percentage of Whitman students having snacks right now.
1500
Throughout the Week
100
Estimated percentage of snacks that I should be having right now.
313,914,040
(ranked by calories)
Number of pumpkin pies that will be baked in November.
45
Percentage of those pies that will be eaten as a snack.
800
78
People on campus that claim to dislike pumpkin pie.
78 200
People you should shun because of their feelings about pumpkin pie.
300 150
Me
30 MON
TUES
WED
Who you pie-haters should be giving your extra pumpkin pie.
THURS
FRI
SAT
SUN