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Haze of
Corn Maze Dayz Craze
This perplexing item was found in the Anderson D-section lounge. Photo by Clay
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hat started out as a funfilled evening quickly turned to tragedy when a group of eager young first-year students attended their first ever haunted corn maze here in the idyllic town of Walla Walla. On a crisp fall evening, a small group of Andersonians, having heard the rumors of the great excitement the Haunted Corn Maze has brought to Whitman students for years on end, planned on a night of innocent autumnal fun last Friday, Oct. 11. Being college students now, the students thought it would be appropriate to commemorate their practice of a Whitman tradition with a few drinks... and maybe a few more... and another few... “I mean, hard cider and Oktoberfest right? ... And besides, we were totally for real, I mean, like not that drunk at all really. Like hardly drunk at all,” said Nate Spookeder, a first-year who survived the incidents of last Friday, while hiccupping. Having properly pre-gamed, Spookeder and first-year friends Sally Summers, Jackson Hill, Carol Smith and Jason Lee set out for the corn fields. After pinky-swearing to stick together in the corn, they headed in. What exactly happened in the maze remains unclear; however, corn maze workers and interviews with eye-witnesses reveal the following picture of events. The first-years were horrified, and let out blood-curdling screams. They had arrived at the ticket booth. The ticket seller reported the following to the police: “I am not sure what they were screaming about — $8 per person seems like a pretty fair rate, I think.” The police relayed that Summers ran off into the cornfields alone, not to be found until later that evening muttering to herself “eight dollars, eight dollars.” After having been treated in a psych ward, Summers has
made a partial recovery and has spoken out about the incident. “I regret that last four loco,” she said. However, doctors state that any prices over $6 could send Summers into a tailspin. But having already paid for their tickets, the four remaining members of the group entered the maze. When they had made it about 30 feet in, the first axewielding specter jumped out at the group. Taking defensive actions learned from two years of tae kwon do, yellow-belt Hill forcibly disarmed and assaulted the masked high school maze worker. Security was called and Hill was asked to leave the premises. Bravely continuing on, Spookeder, Smith and Lee made it half-way through the maze without further trouble. However, while being chased by a clown with a chainsaw, Lee used Smith as a human shield and forced the clown worker to accept her as a sacrifice in exchange for his own life. After a 10 minute argument, the clown took custody of Smith while Lee and Spookeder ran away screaming. Neither the clown nor Smith really understand the exchange, and the clown just pointed Smith towards the exit. Smith returned to campus unharmed. Two left and half a maze to go, Spookeder and Lee made for the end of the maze with much haste, but after they were separated by a malicious zombie, only Spookeder made it to the exit of the maze. After waiting two hours for Lee to exit the maze, without success, the police were called to the scene. Lee was found two days later in the heart of the maze, having survived by only eating raw corn cobs, despite being half a mile from the highway and the nearest convenience store. All in all, the police cite extreme fall frivolity as the source of all of last Friday’s troubling events.
Connect the Dots
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ith the advent of the ill-named “Drunk Sunday” on campus, Encounters professors have noticed a slight decline in the quality of Encounters papers. Some of them have sent in the following excepts to help alert the college to the increasing severity of the problem: Submitted by Professor Cohn Jotts: “And so Keats was like, ‘Oh, no! I am so sad!’ and the Grecian Urn was like, ‘Yeah, I know rite’ and beauty is truth and truth beauty wam bam done you have a classic.” Interesting insight Aaron, but “wam bam done” is not scholarly language last time I checked. Have you considered trade school? Submitted by Professor Kan Dent: “Frankenstein? More like bone-enstein! Am i rite?” I don’t know what you are talking about. Submitted by Professor Aron Shalker: “Regardless of the varying and contridictiry lenses in Rashomon, it is cleer that in all the accounts, everyone was pretty hammed. That’s why they wanted to fight, were falling down so much, and noone could remember correctly what had happened the next day.” This is literally the worst bit of textual analysis I have ever read. What is wrong with you? Submitted by Professor Kan Dent: “Nietzsche?
I
More like do-me! Am I rite?” Seriously, Steven. This is neither smart nor funny. Submitted by Professor Fattew Mox: “The only conclusion that can be reeched about The Battle Of Algeres is that Drunkmerica is great and life suks if you speek French. DRU NK MEEEEER IKA!!!! DRUNKMERIKA! NOW GIVE A PABST TO MEEEEEEE!” Susan, Drunkmerika is not a place. Submitted by Professor Kan Dent: “Odyssey? More like BROdyssey! Am I rite?” Are you stupid? Is that what is going on here? Submitted by Professor Wames Jarren: “Maus is really sad. (Spleigleman, 1-all)” Try harder. In fact, just try at all. For me. Do it for me. Submitted by Professor Kan Dent: “The Second Sex? More like lets get some sex! BOOM! Am I rite?” Please have the Academic Resource Center email me about how to accommodate your particular learning disability. Submitted by Professor Snon Dow: “’Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink’ (John 2:10). Best. Scripture. Eva.” Good quote, now what does it mean? Go deeper. I mean, if there is anything deeper than “Best Scripture Ever.” Submitted by Professor Kan Dent: “Bhaga-
Fire & Spice Presents
The Rim Teed Special
As @g see oa n o sw n c T the wi tte r!
Mayonnaise, peanut butter, Twizzlers, cookies, ham, jam, hummus and gluten-free bread!
Bon Appétit
vad Gita? More like Bhagavad Get Some! Am I rite?” Are you even enrolled here, or do you just show up to class to say stupid things? Submitted by Professor Kelen Him: “Partymeister, Allhailtothe Professor Kelen Him Encounters 4 October 2013” James, this is not MLA format. Your name is not Allhailtothe Partymeister. You are not a citizen of “Drunkmerika.” Please stop bringing it up in discussion. Submitted by Professor Kan Dent: “Ode on Melancholy? More like Ode on My Dick! Am i rite?” You have broken me, Steven. Four years of teaching Encounters and you have officially broken me. Submitted by Professor Tenna Jerry: “You are mean and unfair and I’m not doing this stupid paper.” True. F. General Chemistry Professor Bate Noland would also like to submit the following few excerpts of lab reports: “Methods: The catalyst is super hard to pour into the beaker. Its got, like, the tiniest top. Who mad this? Lab Procedures: Poured 250 ml of ethanol into my mouth. Conclusions: Awesom” As you will notice, comma use and spelling are absolutely unacceptable.
Whitman Spirits
f you talk the talk, you got to drink the drink. Below are a few mixed drinks you may associate with various organizations, people and buildings across campus. Go Sweets!: 1/4 cup of sweet onion juice, 1 shot vodka, slice of sweet onion 2-Messed Up: 1 beer with 1 shot vodka; repeat for desired effect FYS (Forget Your Semester) in the West: 1 shot Kahlua, 1 shot vodka, 2 tablespoons powdered milk, 1 cup iodized water
The Philosophy Major: 1 shot Marx, 1 shot Foucault, 1 shot de Beauvoir, 1 cup Nihilism The DFMO (dance-floor make-out): 1 shot tequila, 1 shot vodka, 1 shot gin, 1 cup pineapple juice, handful of ice Kappatini: 1 packet Crystal Light Lemonade, 1 cup Ethos Water, 1 shot vodka, 1 shot tequila, carrot stick Walla Walla Summer: 1 cup chilled white wine, 1 shot peach Schnapps, 1 slice peach
Schwa-wasted: 2 shots amaretto, 1/2 cup Dr. Pepper, fire
Walla Walla Summer part deux: 1 cup frozen red wine, blended, 1 shot orange liqueur, orange rind and cinnamon stick
Sex on the Olin Roof: 1 shot fireball with rim of cinnamon sugar
The G-Bridges: Tequila (gold), key lime, gold salt
FIND YOUR SPIRIT QUIZ
2. Out of the following, who is your favorite musician? a. Skrillex b. Beyoncé c. Jimi Hendrix d. Shakira
THIS WEEK!
17 2013
Students drunk, essays crunk
1. Where can you be found on an average Tuesday morning at 8 a.m.? a. My genetics lecture, of course. b. Walking to the gym c. Asleep in my bed d. Passed out on a random couch on the Beta porch
YUM-VERTISEMENT
OCT
3. What academic building most suits your fancy? a. Science b. Maxey c. Olin d. Hunter 4. What quote most typifies your attitude towards drinking? a. “Drinking is for the weekends and sometimes Thursday.” b. “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” c. “It’s five o’clock somewhere.” d. “I keep a bottle around in case I see a snake, which I also keep around.”
Mostly A’s — Hopskip (beer, vodka and lemonade) Your greatest fear is losing your youth, and especially your youthful hangovers that last only until you eat brunch at Prentiss Dining Hall. You possess most of the traits of a stereotypical college student, which doesn’t bother you at all. Like hopskip, you’re a standard at every party, intermingling and getting along with everyone. Unfortunately, however, you tend to leave a bad taste in more refined mouths. Mostly B’s — Fake champagne (wine and sprite) You consider yourself the life of the party, which is accurate as you always have some drank in that cup, no matter where you are. People who assume there is actually coffee in your mug are repeatedly proven wrong. While you don’t think you need alcohol to have fun, why not! Mostly C’s — Frisky whiskey (whiskey and slurpee) You’re the type of person to be drunk in Encounters just to see how it feels. Your life is accurately described as a constant staycation. Never one to let the tough times get you down, you remain optimistic by always viewing the glass as half full and keeping it filled to the brim. Mostly D’s — T squared (tequila and tums) Adventurous and not afraid to get weird, you love to try new and fun combinations. Nothing bores you more than a night out with just a 30-rack of Keystone. Your favorite activities involve salsa dancing, chips and salsa, and being a little saucy. People appreciate you for the variety you bring to their everyday lives.