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OCT
31 2012
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Doomsday or Doomsminute? The consequences of Olin Standard Time
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ILLUSTRATION BY MEASE
ather than allowing our clocks to “fall back” because of daylight savings time, Walla Walla’s totalitarian mayor has decreed that all clocks be adjusted to Olin Standard Time. Olin Standard Time, or OST, is a measurement of time developed in Olin Hall that does not adhere to the laws of any regional time zones. Sometimes it jumps forward an hour, sometimes it falls back three and sometimes it doesn’t change at all. Instances of clocks on Olin Standard Time displaying different times in locations just 20 meters apart is not entirely unprecedented. “I have been a long-time skeptic of time zones. I mean, come on. One-hour intervals? That just seems too precise for something as relative as time. I have comprised a formula that takes into account longitudes, altitudes, latitudes and gratitude and found Olin Time to be the most adherent,” said skeptical conspiracist and time enthusiast senior Chris Andrews. Andrews famously developed
the mathematical algorithm for calculating dogs’ ages just two human years ago. “It’s like those canines have Benjamin Button disease ... only it’s accelerated and in reverse.” In the three hours—or two days, depending on location—since the decree, there have been five plane crashes and three trains derailed. “On an optimistic note,” said the mayor optimistically, “transportation is seeing an unprecedented rise. I didn’t even know we had train tracks and we finally managed to get more than two planes to Walla Walla in a day.” In response to the public’s worries of greater repercussions, the mayor comforted them with the notion that Olin Time could push back the consequences. “Remember Y2K? Well, imagine now that it was turned into Y3-or4K. That’s what we did, in essence. Basically, we fixed the computers.” Computers in particular have struggled to keep time in OST due to their inability to produce genu-
ine randomness. Many students have found that older technology have better results in keeping up with OST. “I have this old wristwatch I lost the batteries for, and since wearing it I have not missed a class. I’m ecstatic,” said ecstatic sophomore Terry Jeffers. Students with less technologically regressive timepieces have struggled to make it to class on time. “My iPhone wakes me up at the most inopportune hours or not at all!” said first-year Siri Lee, an infuriated resident of Jewett 1-West. “I don’t want to say that this could be the start of something terrible, but I think it should be very strongly implied,” implied President George Bridges, strongly. Those of us aware of the Mayans’ predicted demise of civilization can only sit back and wait for Dec. 21 to reach us, wherever we may be. It could be a day of reckoning, or just five minutes of reckoning, depending on the variability of Olin Time.
Conspiracy of undercover lending
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hitman’s Yellow Bike Program, maybe the most used program on campus, is at risk of shutting the school down. This program, in which students check out yellow spraypainted bikes as easily as they can check out a book, allows students to get downtown in a stunning three minutes instead of seven minutes by foot. However, what most students do not know is that this program is a blatant ripoff of the same program by ingenious inventor China. The Chinese government is insisting that Whitman “spray the bikes red, or risk a massive lawsuit.” Estimates put the potential settlement at about $11 trillion. “It’s almost genius; with one fell swoop we will make Whitman a red state or they will risk doubling their debt,” said China’s leader, the recumbent bikesitting cat, Chairman Meow, between coughing up hairballs. Perhaps more strange than the ominous threat of China’s lawsuit are the disappearing bikes around campus. With reports of strange
men dressed “as townies” walking around the exteriors of dormitories at night, it is clear to this reporter that Whitman seems to be stealing students’ bikes for their own insidious purposes. ASWC’s Politburo member Germany Howell—bearing a striking resemblance to late philosopher Karl Marx—was quoted as saying, “With the rising tuition rates, some students can barely afford a bike. We just spray-paint them and act like they were nobody’s. Consider what we do redistribution.” It seems, then, that beyond the lawsuit, China’s threat is far greater than a nyone could have imagined. With Marxist ideals ADVERTISEMENT
slowly sleeping into what China calls “the Whitman Commune,” I see the dominos already beginning to fall. Something must be done. In response to the need for action, two English majors, juniors Colin “Powell” Briton and Woodrow “Wilson” Yacobson, leaders of the campus’ political action group the Rough Writers, put forth this solution: “The only hope Whitman has is to build a series of underground tunnels to repel whatever Engels the thieves are working in stealing our bikes. With the name of CoHo recently having been changed to Communist Housing, we implore all of you to join us in our fight for freedom before it’s too late! Remember, we want our books read, not red!”
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW
MARSHALL DAVIS Once in a lifetime, the Backpage gets an interview with someone more important than Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, Joseph Smith, Krishna and Kurt Russell combined. Unfortunately, we did not get the interview with Bayvon Kehroozian we were hoping for. Instead, we got the Joe Biden of ASWC, the elusive nitty gritty Texan, Vice President Marshall Davis.
ILLUSTRATION BY MEASE
Backpage: Marshall, thanks for joining us. I know we made it very clear that you were our second choice, but I hope your feelings aren’t hurt. Marshall Davis: And a Texas hello to you, sir! Don’t worry; I’m as tough as a sabertoothed tiger when it comes to my feelings. That is, if you believe in saber-toothed cats. I don’t in real life—the earth was created 6,000 years ago according to my calendar—but that one in “Ice Age” was pretty funny. Backpage: Marshall, what do you think of ASWC this year? How do you and Bayvon get along? MD: Well, let me just say this: Bayvon? What in the heck kind of name is that? Where I come from, if you were walking around with the first name “Bayvon,” someone would challenge you to a pistol fight before you could even put your britches on. And Kay-roo-zian? Is that some kind of kangaroo name? Backpage: I think he just comes from a different ethnic background.
MD: Look, buddy, it’s un-American. I don’t like it. Not one bit. Backpage: Let’s change the subject: What do you think of the current state of affairs at Whitman? MD: I think Whitman has lost its family values and moral principles. I’m a compassionate conservative who was blessed by the Lord and made it big because I worked hard and Daddy had a good oil business, which I plan on running after college. These folks here at Whitman, they reek of premarital and reefer, not to mention the devil’s brew. Backpage: How exactly did you get elected? MD: Nothing wrong with stuffin’ the ballot box. You know Dick Cheney shot someone in the face and got away with it? The guy even apologized, Cheney didn’t have to. Wonder if I could get away with something like that ... (cocks pistol) Here the recording ends and we have yet to see that reporter. We hear Davis may have taken him to his ranch.
Dubblebaby by Toby & Sam Alden
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