Issue 8 spring 2015 by Whitman College Wire

The

MISSIONARY

Board announces Real World Application classes

Issue 8 | April 2, 2015 | Whitman news since 1896 | Vol. CXXXII

ASWC to pass resolution protesting imprisonment

by Martina Pansze Trying her hand at news

he Academic Affairs Committee of the Board of Trustees announced Thursday that their largest priority for the Fall 2015 semester is to incorporate more courses that are relevant and applicable to college students and provide “Real-World” skills. Available to all grades, but perhaps most applicable to first-years, will be a lecture on the process of removing yourself from a listserv. Sophomore Grayson Peterson says that they simply can’t wait for this class. “Ever since the activities fair, I’ve been getting hundreds of emails a day and it’s ruining my life,” he said. “The offering of this class is far overdue, but I’m glad the board is finally responding to our needs.” “Sorority Squatting” will be available as a single-credit SSRS class and will be held in Sherwood. The Rhetoric Studies Department will be adding a class on collaboration ordering pizza toppings as well as one on how to appear educated and cultured while arguing with friends about coffee. Additionally, a new course offering math credits will provide students with financial help. Professor Jay Smiles will be instructing the class, which will be available to sophomores and juniors. “Finances are a necessary skill, and frankly I’m appalled at how many young people don’t know even the basics,” said Smiles. “This course will mostly help to avoid over-spending at Hot Poop and how to budget your flex dollars throughout the semester.” Director of the Outdoor Program Brien Sheedy will be leading an intro-level class on how to adjust Chaco straps. “It’s so hard,” said an anonymous senior. Another math class offered is a statistics course on the basics of gambling. The board explains in the issued announcement that students “have to pay back their loans somehow.” Additionally, Walla Walla community member Arnold Joseph James is leading a 300-level seminar to teach and discuss road-crossing skills. While the class focuses on Boyer Ave., many of the techniques taught can apply to any street. see COLLEGE LYFE, page 2

by Andy Monserud Co-Head Cynic

early a week after being deposed by the forces of Divestment in a bloodless coup, ASWC Senate will vote tonight on a resolution condemning the student government-in-exile’s imprisonment in Memorial Hall. ASWC has been locked in their Senate meeting room on the second floor of Memorial Hall since early Saturday. Sophomore Hana Duppi, ASWC’s sustainability coordinator and a Divest Whitman member, has served as a liaison between the two groups during the coup. “It’s been kind of weird, you know, imprisoning my colleagues for days on end,” Duppi told the Pioneer. “Still, I’m pretty proud of the work these two groups have accomplished. ASWC’s been completely carbon-neutral all week!” “It’s actually not so bad,” said sophomore senator Thurgood Arwitz. “We’ve been able

to get a lot of legislating done without distractions like schoolwork, food, sleep and showering.” The products of that legislating session have primarily dealt with the coup. ASWC spent its first twenty hours of imprisonment on a resolution requesting that its rations be changed from organic, vegan granola twice a day to “something approaching a human diet,” and the next day yielded a plea to the Trustees to either remove the Divestment Liberation Army from campus or accede to their demands. Trustee Brian McMoneybags, when asked about the resolution, expressed confusion. “That was last week? I thought they were still talking about the last Divestment stunt,” McMoneybags said, referring to a 1986 incident in which members of Divest South Africa “imprisoned” themselves in solidarity with Nelson Mandela. “This is news to me.” ASWC also passed motions simultaneously supporting president

Jorge Ponts’ suggestion of a komodo dragon to replace the missionaries as Whitman’s mascot and inquiring into the possibility that he might be a lizard person from outer space (SEE PAGE 2). This was followed by 46-hour debate on whether to “compel” or “impel” Divestment to release the Senate from captivity. “I think we really got it figured out this time,” Arwitz said. “I believe it really speaks to the willpower of ASWC that we spent this time hammering out one of our most contentious and lasting issues.” Divestment Commanderin-Chief Smitty Collins has said that ASWC’s imprisonment is meant to be a temporary measure. “We’re really just figuring out what to do with ASWC right now,” Collins said. “Hopefully, when our new carbon-free, granola-powered student government is ready to roll, we’ll have some places for them. Until then, they will remain in Memorial until every one of them has fulfilled all of their cam-

paign promises. I’m looking at you, Katiana ‘Free Puppies’ Taylor.” Student opinion is divided on the imprisonment of ASWC. As with many aspects of the Divestment coup, the conversion of the senate chamber into a holding cell has been met largely with confusion and hesitance. “This is an absolute outrage,” first-year Ann Duncan said. “Our elected-unopposed representatives are entitled to at least as much respect as the Trustees give them.” “Divestment locked ASWC up?” senior Brian Senser said. “I figured they had just gotten a head start on next year’s budget.” While outcry among the student population has lent force to ASWC’s proposed resolution, Collins says he isn’t concerned. “I mean, if you lock ASWC in their council room for long enough, they’re going to start legislating,” Collins said. “I’ve seen enough of these resolutions to know how they go.”

Divestment stages coup, secedes from union by Sam Chapman Captain Bias

earing masks made from locally-grown hemp fibers, members of the Whitman Campus Climate Challenge stormed the administrative offices in Memorial Hall yesterday, defenestrating President Jorge Ponts and declaring the establishment of the People’s Divestocracy of Walla Walla. “As of this morning, we secede from the United States and establish our own sovereign Divestocratic nation,” said newly-titled Divestista Duce Smitty Collins in a prepared statement. “The P-D-double-W will expand and engulf the fossil-fuel loving scum of the world. We’re super excited about its forward momentum.” Following their seizure of Mem, the Divestistas separated into several breakout groups to spraypaint “Now Is The Time” on cars, encourage students to spy on their neighbors and report them for owning ExxonMobil stock, and organize a mandatory potluck for citizens of the PDWW. Collins helpfully reminded everyone that signing up to bring “a drink” is punishable by imprisonment without trial. “We don’t want to scare anyone by making a bunch of huge changes around here,” said Duce Collins, as Divestistas behind him toppled the bust of Chester Max-

ey and replaced it with a life-size bronze of Bill McKibben triumphantly riding a cavalry horse. “You’ll be taking classes as usual, only now they’ll be more divestment-focused. For example, Physics will now be Divestment Physics. You’ll study how to model the forces that lead the money out of the accounts of dirty-energy fatcat supervillains. There’s a lot of interesting scientific questions.” “And divestment history,” he added. “Did you know the Guanche of the Canary Islands were the first historical people to divest? They removed all their money from Christopher Columbus’s merchant ships after he burned down their island.” The coup originally took shape during a marathon brainstorming session at the GAC, when Collins and other Divestistas filled a whiteboard with publicity ideas including “documentary screening,” “block some stairs again,” and “secede from union.” Resistance by campus security was overcome with the help of CCC Weaponsmaster Al Henry. “Yeah, man, I got some shit in here that makes C4 look like party poppers,” said Henry, speaking to the Pioneer from inside a tank. “Got this stuff from a crazy Kazakh fucker I met in prison. Swear to Jesus, only four words of English this dude knew were ‘blow you up nice.’” The Divestistas wasted no

time in stringing barbed wire around the tennis courts to create a re-education camp for their political enemies. This reporter managed to record an interrogation: DIVESTISTA: What is the future of energy on Earth? PRISONER 981: Shell is leading the way to new clean energy technologies DIVESTISTA: Wrong! (turns up shock machine) PRISONER 981: Aaah! I’ll be sustainable! I’ll be sustainable! As VIP hostages, members of the Board of Trustees were imprisoned in a spring afternoon lecture, where it is expected time will move so slowly as to render them effectively neutralized. So far, student reactions to the PDWW have been mixed. Sophomore Katie Soapstone says she is most worried about whether her tuition costs will go up now that she is an international student. “Also, the borders are closed to everything but bicycles and longboards, which means going home to New Hampshire for my cat’s graduation is gonna suck,” Soapstone said. “Plus I just came from my Divesting from the Gender Binary lecture, and I’m pretty sure Joan of Arc didn’t advocate divesting from England to win the Hundred Years War.” “But who knows?” she added. “Bill McKibben is kinda quiet on the subject.”

The 4th Page

Radio Obligatory self-plug. Sundays. 10 a.m. But actually listen.

The 2nd Page

The 3rd Page

President Ponts’ declaration against the “Missionaries” mascot leaves white men with guns feeling isolated and singled out.

At long last Whitties can embrace their inner Air Bud at a a varsity level.

Entertainer-gone-rogue Shia LeBeouf looks to hunt for some Whitties for a light, meaty snack for a thirtst quencher. Just do it. Impossible is nothing.

The Missionary interviews the Publisher and the Editor-in-Chief of The Pioneer. Just in time for them to shut the whole operation down.

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The 3rd Page

Please. We’re desperate. 90.5 FM

THE 2ND PAGE

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Smitty Collins ‘so over’ divestment, turns to Hummer

APR

2015

Artholes abound on campus by Kamna Shastri Arthole Investigator

Divestment Club leader Smitty Collins ‘15 has been instrumental in the College’s changing policies regarding their investments in oil industries. Recently, however, he seems to have changed his tune as he prepares to accept a job at Exxon Mobile. Photo by Clay

Ponts joins mascot debate Final letter from the Editors P by Lachlan johnson Head Cynic

Dear Student Body: We give up. After nine months of listening to protests, staying up way too late on Production Night, responding to angry emails from frat presidents, falling asleep at ASWC senates and solely subsisting on Oreos, chips and baby carrots, we have decided to dissolve the Whitman College Pioneer effective immediately. This isn’t to say that we haven’t had a good run. We have! We have fond memories of publishing our first Circuit, investigating real issues on campus, defending our credibility to the entire campus, seeing the student body — including ourselves — use our paper as wrapping paper or kindling. Those times bring tears to our eyes, and not for the reasons you may think. But if we’ve learned anything from our Whitman education, it’s to quit while we’re ahead. Just think of this as our final gift to the college. It’s been real, Whitman; it’s been fun. Let’s be honest though, it hasn’t been real fun for either of us for a long time. Look on the bright side: We take up nine percent of the ASWC budget. That’s nine percent that can go to other clubs now! If your club wants to become the next student organization everyone complains about their student fees funding, now’s your chance (looking at you, blue moon). So when you’re feeling sad because you no longer have something to recycle, just remember it was us, not you. But really it was just you. See ya never Whitman, Aleida Fernandez First-and-Last Publisher Emily Lin-Jones Eternally Bitter Editor-in-Chief

resident Jorge Ponts has shocked the Whitman community last week by coming out in favor of discarding the college’s traditional mascot, the Missionaries” in favor of the Komodo Dragons. Ponts’ decision was largely influenced by his perception of the current mascot as an inadequate representation of the college’s future and commitment to diversity. “Diversity is very important to me and the rest of the administration. Obviously, the current mascot of a small pink ape does not reflect well on Whitman. The komodo dragon, besides being a magnificent creature in its own right, much better represents the future of this college,” said Ponts. Finally, a few students (who have since gone missing) claimed Ponts’ support of a change in the mascot is not the result of a newfound commitment to social justice, but rather due to the alleged fact that he is a space reptile. Ponts strongly denies these claims and suggests any student with concerns visit him for a one-onone lunch meetings at his office. Observers were initially shocked by Ponts’ announcement, as it marked the first time in a decade of leadership that Ponts has made a decision that does not involve large amounts of cash being donated to the college, with matching funds sent to his shadowy off-shore bank accounts. Reports suggest one reason behind Ponts’ change is that he has finally managed to fill the swimming pool beneath Memorial Hall, where the college’s endowment is invested, with hundred dollar bills. The trim physique of college administrators in the last few months suggests there may be some truth to this. “I’m pretty disappointed in Jorge’s decision. We could have used a jacuzzi, too,” said Juan Pogley, Di-

rector of Administrative Athletics. Analysts suggest changing the mascot may actually save the college money over the long term. Creating the appearance of diversity to attract wealthy white students with the promise of meeting “exotic” peers has been a priority for the college in recent years. A two-million dollar climate study recently commissioned by the college suggests changing the mascot may lead to a net financial gain. Concealing racist attitudes until students have paid tuition could save millions of dollars, which the college currently spends on creating the impression of diversity. Last year, the costs of photo-shopping people of color into Whitman’s recruitment brochures alone reached 700,000 dollars. “Personally, I’m relieved. A lot of prospies’ parents were getting suspicious that we had so many quintuplets on campus, who all happened to strike the same pose simultaneously,” said Anthony Cabakinski, master of student entrapment. However, not everyone in the Whitman community responded positively to Ponts’ announcement. A coalition of alumni who graduated before 1955 have issued an open letter to Ponts. “We are extremely disappointed with President Ponts’ decision. The suggestion that Whitman could change its mascot makes white men with guns feel isolated and unsupported,” said Whit Markman, ’47. Though Ponts quickly withdrew his support for a new mascot and banned all discussion of the issue on campus, the coalition of alumni cancelled their contributions to the endowment, and instead used the money to purchase old Soviet weaponry, which was smuggled to the Divestment Liberation Army. “We are firmly committed to divesting the college from any sense of responsibility for global warming, and I think these T-34 Soviet tanks will really help us accomplish that goal,” said Divestment Commander in Chief Smitty Collins.

orry Walot took a whole three minutes to create the masterpiece that now hangs in the Stevens Gallery. The piece is a black cotton sheet. It is creaseless, without a speck of white thread or a puff ball. Walot had laid the sheet on the ground while cleaning out her closet at the beginning of the semester. She was opening the plastic wrap of the brand new pillows she had purchased. After each pillow was opened, she dropped them onto the sheet before moving on to the next one. Two minutes later she removed the pillows from the sheet. Voila — the first piece for her senior showcase was complete. “It’s magnificent! It subtlety captures the unseen inspirations that guide us through the world. The fact that the imprint of the pillows is invisible shows the potential for nothingness to actually be the emptiness of a previously existent something. That thought process is just quite marvelous!” remarked Walot’s adviser, Namai Elohtra. Inspired by her adviser’s positive feedback, Walot expanded her concept to include white sheets and various other plushy objects. “I actually laid the white sheets down on purpose. But you know I’m the clumsy type, so when I walk around my room, things like my stuffed octopus fall on it. It works out kind of well — they leave their imprints and I have another

Voices from the

Community What will you protest next and will it work this time? Poll by A REPORTER

Mike Morriss Senior

“I don’t plan on protesting anything this year. I find our community absolutely perfect in every single way.”

Katie Grout Sophomore

“Animal cruelty, colonialism, racism and veganism. I plan to give just heavy sighs of disapproval and eye rolls when someone says something ignorant.”

brian Paul Sophomore

“I’m just waiting for Kathleen Murray to get on campus.”

Students prepare for college lyfe from COLLEGE LYFE, page 1

MISSIONARY

“I’m very excited about this seminar,” said junior Harrison McCormick. “Whenever I cross the street without looking, the drivers that I make slam on their brakes sometimes honk. I’m so glad that Whitman has decided to teach important and applicable real-world classes. Like, how many times have I used calculus today?” First-year Jonathan KoppMeyers agrees that his education needs more relevancies to his own life. Kopp-Meyers has already

spoken to the professor teaching Man Bun Care 110 about securing a spot for him in the class. “I love that Whitman is allowing us to follow our passions,” he said. “This class goes really in-depth with incorporating hair products and different styles. I’m going to get so many ladies!” Two new courses will be available in the Fashion Department this fall. The courses offered will cover how to look cool wearing a bike helmet and how to dress in a rugged or casual way without

looking like you’re trying too hard. The last class offered is on the serious side. This lecture will serve as a safe space to discuss the oppression and stigmatism of those who choose to walk the campus barefoot. “Just because I rock climb doesn’t mean I’m not human,” said sophomore Toni Parker. Wine Bag-Slapping 110 and Room-Cleaning When Parents Visit 230 are still being discussed as options but may not be offered for financial reasons.

John Fray Junior

“I’m going to protest the college’s mascot, The Missionaries, again. I think it’s going to work this time.”

DA BO$$E$

Indesign artists underlings

BIDNESS

Big Bo$$ # 1 Aleida Fernandez

Blank Space Enthusiast Maddi Coons

Big Bo$$ #2 Emily Lin-Jones

Free Food Opportunist Julie Peterson

Lane Barton, Jeremy Alexander, Christy Carley, Natalie Berg

Only person who understands the budget Skye Vander Laan

Freshmen and Audrey Maggie Baker, Christopher Belluschi, Yarden Blausapp, Kerr Ivan Cirilo, Audrey Kelly, Molly Unsworth

“THE MOST POPULAR PAGE IN THE PAPER”

Website Apologist Denali Elliott

Emma Dahl, Geoffrey Leach, Zan McPherson, Hannah Bartman

Master Tweeter Natalie Berg

ONE STORY A WEEK

WE TOTALLY HAVE A RADIO SHOW TOO!

Quote checks? Serena Runyan Head Cynics Lachlan Johnson Andy Monserud Diesel’s Other Companion Daniel Kim Skip Bayless Wannabe Cole Anderson History Major Sarah Cornett Captain Bias Sam Chapman Dirty Bird’s Companion Kyle Seasly People with Expensive Computer Programs Marra Clay Halley McCormick Grand Master Luke Hampton

“It’s not actually my fault” Matthew Nelson Undervalued Employees Rachel Needham, Jessi Anderson, Elliot Granath Picasso’s Grandchildren Catalina Burch, Lya Hernandez, Asa Mease, Taylor Penner-Ash, Eric Rannestad, Sophie Cooper-Ellis, Daniel Whalen People with Good Cameras Hannah Bashevkin, Rachael Barton, Anna Dawson, Denali Elliot, Tywen Kelly, John Lee, Annabelle Marcovici, Hayley Turner, Anna von Clemm

PROBZ WON’T READ THIS SECTION

Audrey Kelly, Martina Pansze, Kamna Shastri, Allie Donahue

BALLERZ

Dylan Snyder, Riley Foreman, Kyle Flannery, Kendra WInchester

PROTEST-DEPRIVED

Anu Lingappa, Hillary Smith, Katy Wills, Christopher Hankin, Jose Coronado, Peggy Li

“THE LEAST POPULAR PAGE IN THE PAPER” Trevor Lewis,Jack Swain, Callie Brown, Reed Hendrickson

piece for my portfolio,” said Walot. Elohtra noted that not all senior art majors dealt with the depth of process and thought that Walot’s work showcased. “Some students depict natural and man-made objects in their artwork. It’s just not as intangible and abstract. Things like trees and bowls of fruit are so useful — they are far too real to be art, even if they are only two-dimensional,” he said. “Art has to be unreal, it must be so beyond your reach that you have to make a leap into space in order to see the unseen from a distance.” Senior Isu Ckatart disagrees. “A representation of something real isn’t the same as the real thing,” she said. Ckatart’s showcase features canvases textured with colorful images. One three-panel painting features a troupe of dancers, skirts and scarves swirling in hues of red and brown. “This isn’t art. You can just go to a stage show and see the same thing,” said Elohtra. Ckatart knows her work isn’t taken well, but she continues with her style despite disapproval. “I want to challenge people to think superficially. When people see pieces that have, like, one dot on a large wall, their minds go into a deep place. The whole universe becomes like some unsolvable mystery or something. I want to tell people to just look and leave. You don’t have to think so hard that your brain hurts,” said Ckatart.

INTERWEBS

The Brains Aleida Fernandez

The Talent Anna Middleton, Andrew Schwartz

MONEY

Money Manager Melissa Shaffer Money Associates Wenjun Gao, Hayley Turner, Julie Zhu

EDITORIAL POLICY

The Whitman College Pioneer is a weekly student-run newspaper published under the auspices of the Associated Students of Whitman College. The purpose of The Pioneer is to provide pertinent, timely news and commentary for Whitman students, alumni, faculty, staff and parents, as well as the Walla Walla community. The Pioneer is dedicated to expanding open discussion on campus about the issues with which students are most concerned. We provide coverage of Whitman-related news as well as featured local and regional events, and strive to maintain a standard of utmost fairness, quality and journalistic integrity while promoting freedom of the press. In addition, The Pioneer strives to be a learning tool for students who are interested in journalism. The Pioneer welcomes all feedback and publishes letters to the editor in print and online.

SUBMISSION POLICY

Letters to the editor may be submitted to The Pioneer via email at editors@whitmanpioneer.com or sent to The Pioneer, 345 Boyer Ave., Walla Walla, WA, 99362. All submissions must be received by 4 p.m. on Saturday prior to the week that they are intended to appear. All submissions must be attributed and may be edited for concision and fluency.

CODE OF ETHICS

The code of ethics serves as The Pioneer’s established guidelines for the practice of responsible journalism on campus, within reasonable interpretation of the editorial board. These guidelines are subject to constant review and amendment; responsibility for amending the code of ethics is assigned to the editor-in-chief in conjunction with the editorial board. The code of ethics is reviewed at least once per semester. To access the complete code of ethics for The Pioneer, visit whitmanpioneer.com/about.

The

NEWS

Apr

2015

PAGE

Ultimate promoted to varsity status

3 The Pio regrets... That our website still takes two years to load a page :( Wordpress. Emily & Aleida regret missing the opportunity to become embroiled in a lawsuit with ASWC or the Communications Office over recording rights (and winning). Zan regrets that during distribution people saw her carrying around a new issue and asked where we even put them. Andy regrets that the morning-shift workers at Clarette’s know he’s a Pio editor. Lachlan regrets that Andy got a haircut, and promises to improve the news section’s hairquota in the coming year. Natalie regrets that Andy did not get his haircut sooner. Serena regrets not making us play more games during editor training.

At a recent practice, players were seen in their traditional garb, nothing resembling a uniform at all, playing catch with their flatballs. Photo by Clay

by Riley Foreman Princess Sports Ball

fter many years of contemplation, Club Sports Director Hop Tolimar and Athletics Director Dan Dyer have decided to promote Ultimate Frisbee to a varsity sport, effective immediately. The two gentlemen expressed many reasons for the promotion, including pressure from the administration’s higher-ups after an internal investigation revealed an illegal redistribution of Ultimate’s funding. “Our first priority is always pre-existing varsity sports,” said Dyer, who was found guilty of funneling Frisbee money to the baseball team, which was subsequently used to buy a large number of wins. “Ultimate was already nationally ranked, and baseball needed just a little bit of help to break

.500. To use my favorite sports idiom, no harm, no foul, right?” Upon hearing the good news, the party captains immediately planned a celebratory kegger and consequently, the destruction of the Treehouse. The team notes that it will continue to practice while slightly buzzed Friday afternoons on Ankeny Field and gravely hungover on Saturday mornings. However, they will cut the gym regiment implemented earlier this season. “The conditioning we did was all a ploy to get [Tolimar] to let us into Sherwood,” admitted one women’s team captain. “We figured that the student body would complain to him if 40 girls showed up at BFFC every afternoon and hogged all of the mirror space while lifting five-pound dumbbells.” While most players showed unparalleled enthusiasm for the promotion, one concerned individual asked if he could con-

tinue to wear ridiculous costumes and sport his signature hairstyle, instead of the schoolissued matching uniforms. “While it’s great that we are finally being recognized on campus, we don’t want to lose the ‘Ur boi’ atmosphere that tricks talented first-year athletes to quit soccer or lacrosse and join our forces,” said Heed Rendricks, a crossover athlete himself. The girls squad was also excited for the promotion, but for slightly different reasons. “Now that we’re a varsity sport, we don’t have to pretend like anyone can come and try out at fall semester throwing practices,” said one cutter. “This isn’t a [expletive] IM sport where you can just put on your brightest spandex and run around in circles barking for the disc like a [expletive] dog.” “I don’t know if you’ve heard, but some of us — O.K., just one of us — plays on the

Junior National team in the summer,” she added. “I just wanted to mention that again.” The promotion to varsity status will certainly add to the pressure faced by both teams. The first order of business will be to hire a full-time coach, so Ultimate alumni can quit bumming around Portland while occasionally showing up at tournaments. The Athletic Department hopes that by implementing these changes, the women’s team will finally be able to accomplish one of its loftiest goals. “We don’t give a rat’s ass about national titles,” said Tolimar. “We just want to stick it to UW and prove that we aren’t some Eastern Washington nobodies.” NOTE: After discovering that the men’s Ultimate program was far from a national ranking, President Jorge Ponts passed an executive order that will demote the team back to club status.

The Pio regrets that George Bridges is retiring this year and thus denying us any more opportunities for 11 p.m. chats on production night. Pio management regrets the presence of a couch in the production room, allowing TKEs to pretend that they are on their front porch instead of in a space of journalistic integrity. Audrey regrets that Matthew won’t let her live with him. Maddi and Julie regret Zayn leaving One Direction. Marra regrets that she accidentally set the Pio’s Dropbox to sync with her phone’s photos and doesn’t know how to undo it. Molly regrets deleting her page right after she finished it. The Pio also regrets not witnessing a smackdown between the student body and the administrators this last October.

Shia LaBeouf assaults Whitman students Sweets face unique allegations by Zan McPherson Popculture Enthusiast

n the night of Monday March 30, 2015, after the first day of classes for most Whitman College students, President Jorge Ponts sent an official warning email to the entire community. Although it was hitherto unclear as to what exactly occurred on that night, the President clearly stated that Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf had appeared on campus “naked and

bloodied,” and managed to “terrorize” a few select groups of students. After confirming the reports were not prank calls, Campus Security sent their army of six officers to search for the disheveled celebrity. Fortunately no students were significantly physically harmed, but Security was unable to locate the estranged man due to an unfortunately timed streaking event through which LaBeouf was able to blend in and escape. “We heard something growl and... [stifling sobs] there he was, blood everywhere holding what looked like a human arm,” explained one student regarding his close encounter with LaBeouf near the Organic Garden. According to com-

bined accounts, LaBeouf approached the students menacingly, but decided not to attack after further inspection. This is most likely due to the relative lankiness of Whitman Students and their corresponding hobo-esque, cannibalistic appearance. Although President Ponts’ email understandably advised students to stay away from dark streets and not walk alone, he also required that students report any and all sightings of the wild man. This desperate search is not, as one would assume, be-

cause of his potential to inflict physical harm but to bring him into an urgent investigation of sexual assault. Since one victim recounted that LaBeouf grabbed his female friend’s thigh without consent, Whitman College administrators have noted a potential Title IX case involving the celebrity. The woman insisted, “he wanted to eat me, not rape me,” but the college adamantly wished to detain the man to further investigate the matter. Until then, the Whitman community can only hope that actual, cannibal Shia LaBeouf is distracted by the meaty convicts in the Walla Walla Penitentiary and chooses not to wreak further havoc upon the school.

by Cole Anderson Skip Bayless Wannabe

n a recent report from the Ultiworld online website (for those who don’t know, which is presumably a lot, this is the college Ultimate Frisbee website), the Whitman Ultimate Frisbee teams have received some ruff news. They both have been tentatively disqualified from nationals contention. This news comes as a result of a (un) surprising investigation...: Both teams are made up not of humans, but dogs, dressed up as Whitman students, holding a unique advantage in their own natural sport: running after and catching disks flying through the air. In a recent statement, the coordinator for the national ultimate divisions shed light on what the investigation uncovered. “It all started when an opponent of the women’s team came forward with word that one of their players made a ‘bid’ that was, by human standards, unbelievable,” he said. “And when another player complained of their constant ‘barks’ being highly abrasive and annoying, we knew there was something amiss.” The Pioneer attempted to fetch a statement from the opponent in question. “She caught it with her mouth... That just isn’t a thing. So not chill,” she said. When asked to comment further, the disker added that she had to get to practice, and that they were preparing their outfits for the next tournament, by far the most important part of their training regimen. The men’s team also underwent an investigation, though brief, regarding language, or lack thereof, used in their most recent matches. “All they knew how to say

was ‘urboi.’ They pretty much used that word for any communication on or off the field. It was weird. Is that even English?” said Chad Chadswick, a cutter from the Oregon Ego men’s team. The investigation uncovered some behind the scenes language training that a Whitman professor was allegedly involved in. The professor, who will remain unnamed, was unable to teach the players much, as disks being thrown on Ankeny by fellow students constantly distracted them. The repercussions will not hit the men’s team quite as hard as the women’s squad, who is ranked nationally and poised to do well at nationals. Nonetheless, both teams are upset and bewildered at the news. “Everyone on campus refers to Ultimate as ‘dog-sports’ anyway, so it never really occurred to us that we were doing anything wrong. We’re just out here doing what we do best! No one knew we were barking up the wrong tree,” said men’s team captain Pet’r O’Ruff, in a translation provided by the

Whitman professor in question. Still up in the air, the status of the teams heading into the nationals push will depend on whether the ultimate community deems the infraction an unfair advantage for the Sweets. The latest whisperings from the head office are that the men’s season will not be put on paws. “Yeah we’ll probably give it to them, because let’s be honest, they’re unlikely at best to make the cut this year. After that Janin guy left, they fell off a bit. Was he a dog too?” said a Pacific Northwest league coordinator. The women’s team can only wait and hope the Ultimate community cuts them a bit of slack. “Onion Fest this weekend might be our last chance to showcase our skills if we can’t compete in regionals. We even get to host this year! Do you realize what that means to the Whitman community?! Ok, maybe not. Do you realize what it means to the Ultimate community? Ok, fine; it means a lot to us, and that matters,” said Laurie Zano, a captain on the team.

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APR

2015

Sitting down with Whitties prepare for life of the Publisher & EIC celibacy on campus by Allie Donahue Celibacy Investigator

On page 777 of the 2014 edition of the “Fiske Guide to Colleges,” the edition that the first-year class is most likely to have consulted, a student advises, “Prepare for celibacy if you’re an average human being.” Some incoming students took the advice to heart. Here’s how they prepared. Photos by Bashevkin

by natalie berg Master Tweeter

A member of The Missionary staff interviewed Editor-in-Chief Emma Johnson-Lee and Publisher Elena Hernandez about their time at Whitman College and working for the Missionary. Missionary: What’s your favorite part of working for the paper? Emma Johnson-Lee: The fact that the students give us so many things to write about. Rarely does an issue go to press without some mention of students holding a protest or appealing to the trustees. And you’ll always find some impassioned activists in our Opinion section. Elena Hernandez: In some ways it’s like a continuation of the RA position. Reminding people to clean up, encouraging people to use open and active communication skills, wiping away their tears... M: What will you miss most about The Missionary?

some more bonding. Also, Production Night snacks. I love Oreos and salsa. Especially Oreos dipped in salsa. Just trust me on this one.

Laloma Pomero-Popez

Ligne Sinner-Quest

“I took a very systematic approach. I have something I call my ‘fart chart.’ I assign my peers numbers based on the stink of their farts. When I enter a room, I sit as close as I can to the highest stink scorer, and I act very embarrassed whenever he or she emits a smell. It appears, then, that I am the offender. In this manner I have avoided all sexual propositions.”

“I just..It’s been so hard! So hard. I just always had this dream of college—this vision. I thought that at college I could finally share my collection of T-Swift undies with another human being...But I prepared alright. I prepared by…by burning them! I burned them all.” [It was hard to catch the rest of Sinner-Quest’s statement due to her tears.]

Mamanda Mercy

Simon Seanoson

Irely Worthaton

“You know, like, Jesus, yeah? 12 apostles, right? One of them was called ‘Simon the Zealot.’ Nobody knows about him, but he’s hella slick. I just channel him. Channel hard. Makes this celibacy thing chill as fuck. St. Simey was celibate, sure, but he still had the ladies’ attention. I think it was his toes they dug. Yeah. Ol’ fucker never wore any shoes. Had to honor his man Jesus. I show my toes, too, to, you know, remind me to channel. But I keep it twenty-first century: Flip-flops is where it’s at, bro.” Babe Sterrill-Meskal

EJL: I know I’ll miss our WordPress server. It loads really quickly and never crashes. M: I’ve noticed. Your website is always running smoothly. It’s never down. EH: Nope. It never is. It’s really fast, too. M: Do you plan to pursue a career in journalism? EJL: No, I don’t think a job at a different paper could ever measure up to my experiences at The Missionary. EH: Nope. I’d be concerned that wherever I worked would remind me too much of my experiences at The Missionary. M: Any parting words you’d like to add for all your loyal readers out there? There are so many of them.

EJL: All the fun times we’ve had together when our editors have been required to bond with us.

EJL: Just keep fighting the good fight. Keep on raging against the machine and protesting every single microaggression you witness.

EH: Yeah. Mandatory bonding was great. We should mandate

EH: Missionaries, Missionaries. We’re on top.

“I was the BDSM club leader in my high school. In BDSM it’s super important to have a safety word. My word is ‘mercy.’ To prepare for celibacy I got it tattooed near my naval area. It alerts my partners to deescalate before they can even snap me into a pair of handcuffs. I’m working with ASWC right now to form Whitman’s first CBDSM club (Celibate Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism).”

“I was prepared way before I read Fiske. My mother and father have always told me that I’m really worth a ton. They say that I am stronger than my temptation. Actually ...here. Check this out. [Worthaton extended his left ring finger] Feel that bump? That’s my purity ring. I’ve worwn it for so long that it’s became a part of my finger.”

“Well, if you want to know the truth, I’ll tell you: I know I am not an average human being, so I did not prepare for celibacy. I’m the one out of every 5,480 men that is completely sterile!!!! You got it, no babies, no germs. The problem is, the only girls I get— you know, the only ones not being celibate—are super strange... like un-average, weird girls.”

Phi Delta Theta wins Nobel Peace Prize by Audrey Kelly Dating a Phi

s the exclusively American “Greek” system is shunned by woefully unrespected celebrities such as Will Ferrell, Whitman has once again proven that everything about it goes above and beyond when Whitman’s chapter of Phi Delta Theta won the Nobel Peace Prize. “I mean, check out my hair,” said Chapter president Brandon Paris.

“Only peaceful people have hair this long. The guys chose me to represent them because they think my hair goes a long way towards making a stand for peace and chillin, and that’s what we are, really, a bunch of chillers.” The head of the Nobel Prize search committee, Mary Jane, remarked on how fully the chapter has embraced the notions of passive non-violence. “It’s almost like you can smell it when you walk in the house. It pervades every aspect of their

chapter. When you are in the house, you won’t see people fighting. You either see them sitting around in circles engaging in meaningful conversation, or listening to interesting music, or going down to the kitchen for huge bowls of cereal and plates piled with quesadillas.” Sophomore Parker Silverman remarked that when he became a Phi, the chill “vibe” the chapter gave off attracted him and has since influenced him in a positive way. “All my bros are just so, so relaxed. Before joining Phi I was...

shall I say outspoken? I dunno, my mom called me obnoxious sometimes but my pull ratio was off the charts. Anyway... uh... yeah, I would say Phi has definitely made me a lot more relaxed. I spend a lot of time around the house just hanging out with my dudes.” Phi Delta Theta was actually kicked off campus somewhere in the 1980’s because of how unpeaceful they were. “Yeah, I’ve heard alumni tell stories about how they threw kegs off the roof--actually, that’s the dent in the sidewalk that they said was caused by that incident, right there,” said Paris. Jane said that part of the reason for the bestowal of the award was because of the progress the chapter has managed to make since then. “For instance, look at Brandon’s hair. I think just the fact that he now has long hair evidences the fact that the chapter has put some serious work into becom-

ing more peaceful, and that work is what this award recognizes.” [It is unclear whether or not Jane realizes that the Paris was not in fact a part of the chapter during the eighties.] Newly initiated member Daniel Whalen has thoroughly enjoyed what he calls the “opportunities for chilling” that joining Phi have afforded him. “In high school, I was pretty worried about being cool. But like in Phi, that’s not even an issue. If you’re chill, you’re chill. No one even gives a f*** what you wear. Plus [Chef] Bob’s salad bar...I love that everyone in Phi eats so much salad. Everyone knows salad is good for you.” Salad is indeed healthy, latenight conversations while sitting in circles is indeed chill, and long hair certainly indicates a desire for a peaceful world. Congratulations, Phi Delta Theta, for your deserved recognition.

WELCOME WHITMAN STUDENTS.

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